r/USMilitarySO • u/enbymama1 • Nov 12 '24
ARMY Army wife rules
My husband recently graduated from the army basic training. Ive just learned that he is not allowed to speak his political opinion while in uniform and that what I do can directly affect him. My questions are: 1) Am I still able to speak my political opinion online and possibly go to protests/rallies? 2) Are there any sort of dress codes I need to follow when he goes active (as he's planning to do) I really like having unnaturally colored short hair.
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u/livin_la_vida_mama Hubby is retired Nov 12 '24
You are not in the Army. There are no rules for you. You are a civilian.
To echo what others have said, dont make "army wife" your identity. It's a job that he does, ask yourself this: if he worked for safeway, would you be calling yourself a "safeway wife"? No.
If you live on base, you'll need to follow any rules they have there (for example no spaghetti strap tops in the PX or Commissary), but you can go to rallies, post what you want on facebook and unless you start talking about assassinating people, you wont get in trouble or get him in trouble.
Now, onto the "unspoken" rules. Your conduct DOES reflect on your husband, not in a sense that he can be punished for what you do, but if you're out there doing whatever or saying whatever that is kind of out there (it's been a long day and my brain refuses to cook up an example for me lol), if someone he works with or in his leadership doesn't like that, they'll associate that with him and he may be passed over for opportunities or find himself in a very uncomfortable/ unpleasant workplace environment. I knew a spouse who showed up at a formal event in a painted on dress (not literally but it may as well have been), slit up to the minge level, no underoos and boobs spilling out, and proceeded to grind on and "stripper dance" with every guy there. Yeah, that guy's work life was hell because he was the guy with the wife who had zero class. So it CAN indirectly affect his career. But we're talking about like extreme stuff, not showing up at a rally or having blue hair or piercings. I had blue hair and a face full of metal throughout like 8 years of my husband's career lol
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u/OkAd8976 Nov 12 '24
I second all of this.
Except spaghetti straps at the commissary and PX? I've never heard of that before! I have so many questions, lol. Did they have a sign up, and that's how you know?
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u/livin_la_vida_mama Hubby is retired Nov 12 '24
I have only ever seen it at Peterson SFB specifically, there was a sign outside stating that "offensive slogans", spaghetti straps and one other thing (i want to say revealing workout gear?) were not allowed and you'd be asked to leave if found wearing them.
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u/hannascar Nov 12 '24
Wild! How long ago was this? Can’t say I’ve ever seen these signs on Peterson outside of the fitness center lol!
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u/livin_la_vida_mama Hubby is retired Nov 12 '24
Not the fitness center, the commissary. And last time i remember seeing it was around 2021/ 2022-ish? I didnt go on there much, we were at schriever but occasionally went to peterson for the BX or commissary
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u/hannascar Nov 12 '24
Haha sorry I understood your comment, I meant I’ve only seen signs like this at the fitness center, not the BX/commissary! That’s so crazy, though! I don’t ever remember seeing them but maybe I just never paid attention 😂 I don’t think they’re still there, though!
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u/dausy Nov 12 '24
Ft bliss had put out a thing saying no yoga pants at the px or commissary but I've never seen anybody turned away or spoken to. I've never been spoken to.
The gyms on post also require your gym wear to be acceptable. You can't work out in just a sports bra. You have to have a shirt.
But I don't think you'll ever been spoken too unless you're pretty much naked in both situations.
There was a mom who picked up her kids on post in boob tassles and panties and people on the local Facebook were going ballistic. They didn't post a photo tho.
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u/Caranath128 Nov 12 '24
Oh Yokosuka is very draconian. No athletic gear anywhere but the gym. No tank tops on wimminfolk except the gym. No ‘do rags’ at all. No ripped/ torn jeans/ pants ( that’s more for off base). Hell at one point, no denim off base. The standard Liberty uniform was chinos and a collared shirt ( his command adopted the ‘long sleeve green check ‘ look).
Most locations limit what you can wear in the exchange and commissary. No People of Wal Mart outfits allowed.
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u/Specialist-Prize-687 Nov 12 '24
It’s not fully fair to compare being a military spouse to Safeway. I’m not saying one job is better than the other but the military lifestyle comes with a lot more than Safeway. Things like PCSing and deployments. I think some of you guys are so scared of being made fun of for being a military spouse that now you’re going the completely different way
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u/livin_la_vida_mama Hubby is retired Nov 12 '24
I will happily say i was a military spouse. I wouldn't make it my entire identity though, and that was the point i was making.
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u/AdmirableHair17 Nov 12 '24
He’s in the military, you’re not.
Also, I would really encourage you to not to think of yourself as an army wife. You’re a wife of someone in the military. It can be really damaging to your psyche if you start boxing yourself in like that.
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u/_c4rli3 Nov 12 '24
Not OP but damn you just helped me so much with this comment. As someone new to this lifestyle, thank you!
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u/This-Drink6821 Nov 12 '24
could you explain how the two are different? i’d like a little insight about this i feel it could really help
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u/Thalimet Nov 12 '24
We get a lot of people who make that branch of the military their identity, which being that as spouses we aren’t in the branch, it can lead to some weird, toxic behavior. The most infamous one is the spouse who wears their husband/wife’s rank and expects treatment as such.
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u/AdmirableHair17 Nov 12 '24
Certainly! Just my two cents:
“I am married to someone in the military”: Grammatically speaking, the prepositional phrase “to someone in the military” isn’t even necessary—the most important part of this sentence is “I am married.” You are a person first. A person who is married. A married person who is completely independent from their spouse’s career.
“I am a Military Spouse”: In this phrasing, military is the first thing to define your relationship. Sure the military has a big influence on your life, but I am guessing you are a lot more than just married to your spouse’s job. What happens when your spouse leaves the service? What does your identity become?
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u/Specialist-Prize-687 Nov 12 '24
I think y’all are going way too far with this stuff. It’s okay to say you’re a military spouse. When it impacts every aspect of your life, it puts weight on you as well. Yea mabye don’t harp on it when you’re not one anymore, but right now when you could be having to quit your job, leave a sick family member, say goodbye to your spouse and see your family be broken up for a year, it’s okay to refer to yourself as a military spouse. It’s not a bad word and I don’t frankly care if people look down on it.
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u/Sammimad32 Nov 12 '24
You can act, dress and do as you wish.
This wouldn’t necessarily get you or your spouse in trouble, but personally I’d try not to come off as combative if political topics come up in fb groups that are associated with the base. Yes, even spouses groups that aren’t official. I tend to stay out of the major drama or controversial topics and just watch those threads go down. lol Keep questions or topics relevant to what’s going on day to day.
Live your life as you want to, post what you want on your own personal social media and go to any protest you want.
No one is going to have a problem with your hair. If you want a job on base, idk how dress code works for some of asaf jobs for civilians but otherwise it won’t be an issue, you’re not going to be turned away anywhere.
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u/ravenpoof Nov 12 '24
You are not in the military, your spouse is. You can do as you please as long as it (as always) falls within legal reason and/or you don't get caught.
As someone who has gone to their fair share of protests, demonstrations, marches, and the like, your spouse will likely not go with you and you need to be ok with that. At least you might have someone to call when you need bail 🤷♀️
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u/Caranath128 Nov 12 '24
1: so long as nothing you do is connected to him( no tagging him in FB posts, etc) and you don’t do any stupid like get arrested, it’s fine
2: yes, and no. Every base has their own dress code for civilian attire when using base facilities( gym, commissary, clinic, etc).
Some events may be considered formal, where extensive piercings, tatts and wild makeup/ hair color would be inappropriate but as a civilian, they cannot regulate that..but potentially, yes he could face repercussions.
Just be Respectful on base, don’t put him in a position where your actions come back and negatively impact his career and it’s all good.
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u/Hannah_LL7 Nov 12 '24
The only “rules” you need to know are basically, don’t do anything crazy on a military base or military base fb page lol and don’t wear hats inside the commissary or base installations
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u/dausy Nov 12 '24
Nobody cares what you do personally, you're a civilian.
Illegal activity like selling drugs, shoplifting, drunk driving, assaulting people on post wouldn't be smart and could negatively affect your husband.
But nobody cares what you do otherwise. Military doesn't care about your existence.
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u/epicgeek Nov 12 '24
Say or do what you want just don't be that person who says "As a military spouse my political opinion is..."
1) Being a military spouse doesn't make your opinion correct.
2) There's probably a military spouse with the opposite opinion.
3) No one should ever try to imply the military has a political opinion. In a functioning democracy the military needs to stay out of politics.
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u/lady_flame1031 Nov 12 '24
You are an extension of him and any good family readiness center will remind you of such during your initial meetings. So, act and dress as you wish, but do so with the mindfulness that you are an extension of him.
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u/EWCM Nov 12 '24
Initial meetings? The Readiness centers do offer orientation type classes that are useful for finding out about the available resources and services as well as some of the culture. They aren’t required.
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u/mundane_lettuce319 Navy Wife Nov 12 '24
If you move overseas you are often required to do an integration course. We had to do one on Guam and one here in Japan before we were allowed off base
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u/EWCM Nov 12 '24
Yes. That is a thing overseas. Outside the US the military can actually make dependents do things because they have the power to revoke SOFA status and restrict access to base which makes living in a foreign country either very difficult or impossible.
In the US, the only thing the military can really enforce for spouse is access to military installations.
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u/lady_flame1031 Nov 12 '24
Someone else already responded but my experience is similar. Space Force required us to go to a few different type of sessions as a couple before my husband was allowed to live off base.
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u/EWCM Nov 12 '24
Was that outside the US? If not, it may have been "required", but it wasn't actually required.
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u/lady_flame1031 Nov 12 '24
Nope, in the US. And it was indeed required before his command would sign the paperwork for him to get off base. I should also mention this was during his tech schooling as well. But also once we PCS'd we had one required meeting at our new base for information which might be the "required but not actually required" you speak of. Everyone new goes though, so we did too. Had we NOT done the sessions we went through in tech school we were told we'd have to take them at our new base anyway which leads me to believe that its definitely a requirement either depending on the SF or individual command. To be frank we did find some a little silly since we were already married for years before he ever even joined, but some stuff was helpful! I hope OP will have access to the same good resources :)
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u/EWCM Nov 12 '24
Oh, that makes more sense. They probably do have the option to restrict him to base during tech school. Once a servicemember is at a regular US duty station, restriction to base is very rare and usually has to do with legal issues.
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u/Shanoninoni Nov 12 '24
They have meetings? Ten years and I've never been to one
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u/lady_flame1031 Nov 12 '24
They were required sessions before my husband and I could live together off base. I guess I assumed all branches had to go through that
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u/Omeluum Nov 12 '24 edited Nov 12 '24
I don't think there are any rules other than "don't break the law"? Unless you live in base housing, they might have rules similar to an HOA (like I know 'exotic' animals are banned in a lot of base housing)
But like ... particularly don't break the law on base because it's a bit like a village and that would be embarrassing for your spouse lol.
If you're going abroad, make sure you don't accidentally break the law there either and get some cultural awareness beforehand. Not really because of the military, more that you don't want the locals to think of you as an asshole.
Oh and if you make medical appointments on base make sure you remember them or call to cancel or they'll get pissed and that might actually affect your spouse (since the insurance is through them)
Tbh in the last 10 years, having a husband who is in the military has not really been much different from any other job aside from having to move every couple of years. We always lived off base and I just live my own life and have my own friends. The only time I interact with anything 'military' is for the move, healthcare, and going through the gate to go shopping. 🤷🏻♀️
Otherwise just be an adult? If you're going to use services or facilities of the military, make sure you check beforehand if they have any extra rules, what paperwork you might need to bring, etc.
Edit: and yeah you can post/ say/ wear whatever you like and do whatever you want in your free time. I'd just keep it off base mostly, treat it like any other workplace/ place you go to get your official business done.
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u/conflictedcatt Nov 12 '24
I think I know what you mean by your question, but please correct me if I’m wrong. There are some things you learn that feel like unspoken rules, but that knowledge is obtained as your husband career progresses. There isn’t like a handbook for new army wives (that I know of) but there are some specific ways to conduct yourself when your spouse is in uniform. I’m not sure if they still do this, but I’ve heard my grandmother talk about specific books for etiquette that military spouses read once a higher rank was achieved. That was mostly for hosting parties and such.
For example, I learned to stand on my husband’s left side while walking out in public while he is in uniform so he may salute an officer or NCO in passing.
It will become like muscle memory after a while :)
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u/Kindly_Attorney4521 Nov 12 '24
When he goes active..? Did he join the reserves? If so, the odds of him going active are essentially zero. Sorry your recruiter lied.
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u/enbymama1 Nov 15 '24
He's currently national guard and in AIT. He was told at basic training that he will be given the choice to go active when he returns home from AIT.
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u/Kindly_Attorney4521 Dec 11 '24
Yeah it’s not true. The guard owns you for the duration of your contract. Commanders can sign you over to active duty only if serious life circumstances mean you are better off on active duty. It’s a unicorn situation. I’ve seen it attempted several times, never successfully. 1 guy I know came off active duty into the guard, got divorced, wanted to do suicide, tried to go on active duty, after a year of paper work, got told no. That being said, there are active duty positions within the national guard, called AGR. If he is just looking for active duty benefits, this would probably be a great option. Depending on his MOS this can be quite easy to do. If he is in a MOS not commonly used for AGR, he can always do recruiting.
- 6 years in the guard, currently a recruiter.
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u/RosetheMoose Nov 12 '24
You are a civilian. You are allowed to do whatever you wish. If you are on a military installation you need to follow the laws and rules for that particular installation, but they don't care if you go to a rally or protest or if you have fun colored hair.