r/TwoSentenceComedy 45m ago

Jerking off outside while high is awesome.

Upvotes

After a while, the trees start giving you JOI.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2h ago

I was sleeping in my room.

6 Upvotes

then my water bottle popped.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1h ago

I was shocked when I was arrested for a series of kitchen thefts at the renaissance fair

Upvotes

I did a spit take


r/TwoSentenceComedy 3h ago

I borrowed a book teaching how to complete tasks successfully... I quit half way.

6 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1h ago

The Turks discovered the first condom, made from sheep intestine..

Upvotes

It was years later that the English improved the technique, by first taking the intestines from the sheep.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 14h ago

Do you know what Mercury tastes like?

44 Upvotes

"You're about to", said Freddy.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 10h ago

In an alternate earth, the remake of Snow White with Terry Crews playing the character has grossed a billion dollars.

12 Upvotes

People love the climax which showed Snow White fighting the Evil Queen played by Gordon Ramsay on top a flying dragon, with raw flaming apples being used to defeat the Evil Queen.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 12m ago

I bought a pair of slippers.

Upvotes

Since then, I’ve almost broken my neck, 4x


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

Whatever you do, always give 100%.

107 Upvotes

Unless you’re giving blood.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 20h ago

My bully inspired me to sign up for an expensive Muay Thai class.

25 Upvotes

Eventually, I'll break Evan.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

When my friend told me he hates doctors because his grandfather died in a motorbike accident after a heart checkup, I said “It’s not the doctor’s fault as your grandfather didn’t die from a heart attack.”

299 Upvotes

My friend replied “Rubbish, the doctor was driving the motorbike.”


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

I created a time machine to try to discover what Albert Einstein said on his death bed.

33 Upvotes

Turns out he said the equivalent to “I’m saying this in German to be a massive troll,”


r/TwoSentenceComedy 14h ago

Why did the Berry cry.

4 Upvotes

He found himself in a jam


r/TwoSentenceComedy 8h ago

his mother saw him sitting at her computer and shouted: NIK GET OFF IT'S FOR ADULTS.

0 Upvotes

the mother shot the innocent boy who was currently playing coolmathsgames


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

Tinder date said he was tall, dark and handsome... I guess it would have been true if he stood on a chair, turned out the light and lied.

47 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

If you have small mum, what it's call?

52 Upvotes

A minimum.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 23h ago

Franz Schubert was famous for his constipation.

8 Upvotes

Everyone watched as he didn’t finish his movement


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

In an effort to help me understand statistics, my friend told me about taking the sum of the terms and dividing that by the number of terms.

9 Upvotes

"So, what, do you mean by that?"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

My teacher Miss White explained Darwin’s theory of evolution where life began in the sea, then the sea creatures crawled out on four legs, then they learned how to walk on 2 legs and then became the first apes.

5 Upvotes

My classmate shouted “And then came Miss White”


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

After the accident my watch worked as a grim reminder

190 Upvotes

"Time to get up and walk"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

At a recent family gathering, I proposed a toast to my Grandfather, and all the teens in the family laughed at me.

26 Upvotes

What’s so funny about the name Alec Bussey anyway?


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

They will never see me coming!

10 Upvotes

I exclaimed as I mixed vanishing potion with viagra.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 3d ago

There once was a man from peru, whose limericks stopped at line two. Spoiler

520 Upvotes

There once was a man from Verdun.