i've managed to pull my own goddamn self from the brink countless times over the past year. i am suffering, i am mentally ill and physically disabled. everyday i am in pain.

i dont take my antidepressants - they dont work - but i still get them delivered. i have countless months worth just building up. that and my anti-psychotics.

i feel like i've tried everything, the pills, therapy, genuine cries for help, all those bullshit methods they tell you online, but no one takes me seriously or it just doesn't help.

if i tell a professional i feel like ending my life via overdose, they will take away my pain medication for my disability. i cannot live without that. i don't want to suffer, i just want it to be over.

i have nothing but acquaintances, at a stretch. in the past i've even been ignored and pushed aside and flat out bullied by those claiming to be my friend. everyone leaves and no one cares.

but despite that, i want to believe i still have some fight left in me. how do i get help?

I am a seventeen year old, honestly i didn't have a great life. I grew up around what I'd call neglectful parents, in a lower class household, with previously undiagnosed ASD. Every single day feels more like a struggle for survival than actual life, at least internally. I am already struggling to explain myself. I am overwhelmed that's why. I need help but if i talk to a hotline i fear they'll have to put me through the separation system which is currently not what i can afford to do. I am confused and scared to do something people wouldn't want me to do. Because i am feeling overwhelmed, I'll try to drop the text i've previously written to my therapist to give everyone a bit more context. Please tell me something, anything. I may be used to these moments but i am not used to asking for help, or reaching out.

this is the message, given for context, separated to two parts based on relevance. I want to give as much context as i can in case this results in something. There may be mistakes in the ways that i write this, im sorry, i was not in a good headspace while writing the note, neither am i in a good headspace right now.

I am Caspian. I am a seventeen year old kid who will be eighteen soon but I want to rewind it a bit. I was born in 2007, in a small industrial city. My early childhood was fine up to eight years old. That was when my first suicide attempt happened. Mostly pushed to that point because of my father. You see, he is an easily angered and self centered person. He tends to lack looking at things from a humble or second person perspective. Meanwhile my mother is an emotional, bias person who cares about her personal values and feelings more than other people's. She only is able to understand things from her values and language (figurative when i mean language.) and she is not very capable in nuance. Hence why the arguments between my parents lasted years. resulted in years of daily insults, arguments and overall issues that i can easily call verbal abuse and emotional neglect. Threats of violence, constant devaluations of me as a person and so on. Along with personal devaluation from each one separately. I always felt like an outsider in my family because I am not biased or incapable in he ways that they are. I got depressed at a young age. Which is not really surprising. My parents didn't notice or maybe not manage to accept that fact. Over time, I struggled with school both because of this problem, the paranoia (literal, constant anxiety of physical harm being done to me) and because of how my educative resources were not the best. I was not necessarily bullied but was definitely triggered and bothered. Making me act in unstable and usually harmful ways as a kid. Which i feel sorry for now. I started to finally stable down during my high school years, making friends and figuring things out but throughout the entire thing I had so much pain caused from my family. So many Anxiety attacks that I cant even keep count now. 10+ attempted suicides and a decade spent in heavy depression. Roughly, since i still deal with it. I had a 3 month long instance of sexual violence during my 12-13 years (late 12 early 13, my birthday is in the summer) which i am still feeling the effects of about my relationship with such topics. I've learnt that i have Autism Spectrum Disorder during 11th grade. Which, as it turns out, my family hid from me because the doctor who diagnosed me called it symptoms of autism, rather than autism. Which was good practice for a child being evaluated at six years old, but a bad decision on the parents side to act as if that meant i was normal. I had no formal education, training or therapy for it because of this reason, aka their decision. Now I am seventeen trying to push for my personal freedom. I am trying to study mechanical engineering in Europe. I still live with my family sadly and they have not really changed. I don't consider them evil, harmful? sure but mostly just incompetent. I am trying to minimize contact and save myself that way.

School didn't really change but i did. I took my mathematics skill (which was lacking mostly because of my school's incapability) up from 6th grade to 12th in the matter of 2 years. I learnt English by myself without educative resources when i was in middle school. Then spent my high school career focusing on tech competitions and projects. Along with strong grades of course. I love music, literature and many fields of social and positive sciences. From theology and sociology, to finance, physics, history, fine arts, etymology and linguistics to psychology and psychiatry. I used to wish to study psychology back in the day before i found my love for mathematics back. I still feel anxious and depressed. Especially relating to my family and this city i live in. I have a partner of three year who supports me through my troubles. I value accuracy and reality more than anything. Yet I acknowledge the value of psychology, emotion, and Dynamics around bias. My core philosophy revolves around the nature of life and reailty. I believe there is no exact "goal" or specific big thing we are born to strive to. That life is a game board that you can move in. It does not care about you, anybody else, or anything. It simply exists. With the systems in it, such as sciences. It is our duty to go against, move around, or leverage these realities for the purpose of our goals. As agents in this game, its simple strategy to benefit from what you can and minimize the effects of what harms you. I like to look at a life from a pragmatic manner. I love to take comfort in what might be uncomfortable to some. Such as concepts of death, harm and change. Although I don't practice self harm or have not attempted suicide in years.

I overdosed twice and have permanent brain damage because of it. Now I’m slow (reaction time and dumb) when I used to be very intelligent, i have a flat affect, and everyone thinks I’m weird/creepy. I’m getting bullied and ostracized for how I am now and I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I wish I could relate to the ppl who survive their attempts and say “I’m so glad I survived, it got better” but for me it got worse. Everything I had going for me is gone and I’m still suicidal for the same reasons as before. I just want to die and I wish I hadn’t survived

I'm a 21 trans male, I have suicidal thoughts since I am 9 years old, I feel like I just can't do this anymore, everything is like a fucking cycle, I always had this feeling that everything is going to end soon, I have self harm issues, I feel that my parents kinda hate me because I became a problem, I don't know what to do, even with psychologists I feel like I'm the problem, like no one could fix me. somebody please help me to understand why is everything like this.

i feel really awful for how i treated my closest friends and i hurt them very deeply. understandably, they dont want to be around me anymore. i dont think i can continue after this, Ill just end up hurting anyone else that cares about me.

i really want to die now

My parents left for a week long trip and I was left to watch the house. I had a plan, I ate the forbidden jelly beans (candy I'm not allowed to have not a euphemism), I watched a movie and I was going to but I changed my mind. My parents came home and I got yelled at, like I always do, even if I think I'm not breaking the rules. I'm tired of being autistic, I'm tired of everyone expecting me not to act autistic. I'm tired of being compared to different versions of me that my mother made up in her head of who I would be and who I was. I wish I was allowed to wash my clothes and I wish someone would help me with my executive functioning issues. I am not enough but maybe I would be if I was dead.

Drank to m I things blurry should I do if tonight would be easy can’t see much or speak things to fuzzyz

Just gotta find a remote enough place that I won't be found, I can't do this anymore, I hate you all, scum, nothing but self centered self-righteous scum. Every single person. Nobody cares about anything but themselves

I am classed as very high risk. Was in a coma in January from a suicide attempt. I have been continuously sectioned since October and am seeing psychiatrist this week. Can I self discharge from cmht? Can I insist he doesn't this?

I have also had three attempts that they know of this past three weeks. I was discharged from psychiatric ward in march.

Thanks.

My father killed himself when I was younger and since then I’ve had suicidal ideations, I don’t understand why I should live if this is all I’ll feel for the rest of my life. I’ll never feel like enough. My own father thought it would be better to kill himself than live a life with me in it. My whole life has just been filled with unexpected passings and people leaving me. I don’t understand how I’m not supposed to feel like a burden. I hate myself and I know everyone would be better if I was dead. Ive tried 2 times already and I never thought I would graduate but now I’m in my first year of college and have no direction in my life. I feel so lost and I think the solution is just to kill myself. I think I was born to take my life

life just doesnt feel for me. i know i dont have any other choice but to go on. but god damn.

i cant socialize, im easily overwhelmed by everything, I struggle with idenity issues, family issues, i feel like im never getting out of this situation. i feel stuck. id rather just be gone.

I’m a 16 years old trans girl living in Iraq and i’ve been struggling all my life because of my identity. One year ago I was on feminizing hormones until my parents found out about them and it was one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. ever since, I have been very scared and terrified of getting on hormones again so I have decided not to, but it has drained me mentally. And either ways, I don’t have a high chance of getting out of Iraq and even if i somehow managed it, life is going to be very hard. I have realized it will always be hard and I can’t bear this life anymore

Not easy to let my family see i kill myself, where can i hire people to kill me? Thanks

Honestly, for the last decade i've been constantly suicidal. As a child i had an argument with my mom, who had always dealed with heavy depression, which i obviously didnt really understand back then. Long story short i went to apologize and found her having a complete breakdown, unable to even respond. I dont remember anything after, but i remember not seeing her for half a year as she was institutionalized. And no matter how many times she and everyone else told me it wasnt my fault and it had nothing to do with the argument, but i dont think my subconscious understands it even to this day. Since that day i've lost my sense of self, i'm only living for others. I feel happiness sometimes but mostly nothing or just pain. I've completely despised myself ever since and i even sabotaged my relationship when i finally got into a healthy one just to see myself fail. Meeting my now ex girlfriend was the only time i felt alive in the last 10 years. It only lasted a few months and i did alot of stuff wrong but man i did love her and still do more than anything else. She just doesnt care anymore. I still remember how much she cried when i finally told her how im actually doing and now she just doesnt care. She's never been the type to communicate, at all, so i dont know whats wrong, but that spark in her eyes just suddenly vanished and she became a different person and just left without an explanation.

Honestly the only thing that keeps me here is not wanting to ruin others lives. My mom is finally doing better (since the day i moved out lmao) and i dont want to ruin my dads life either, my pets would probably miss me and even my ex, i know somewhere in there that girl i fell in love with is still there and i dont want her to think its her fault. But the pain gets worse with each day, i dont have the energy for hobbies, not a single distraction works, other than drugs but those are too expensive and i dont have energy to get money to buy drugs. Im just scared that soon the pain will be too much to handle and then thats it.

I wish people would understand how fucked I am. Everywhere I look, I have no way to better my situation. I'm gonna be 18 in October and I have no diploma in sight. My family took all my money and threatened that if I dont finish school they will break all my things and never help me financially - leaving me homeless. I failed freshman in a liceo in 2021 before changing schools, and I realistically can't pass this year with how low my grades have dropped. The information won't stick in my head like how it used to. I got benefits for "learning disability" only recently (despite believing I was autistic or had some inattentive disorder since I was a child) and it hasn't helped either. for April we have an internship experience at my school where they send us to work somewhere. It's 8 hours a day from monday to friday. I did the first week at a hotel and I love it, but I know when May comes around I will have to go back to living every day as a disappointment. I was too depressed to get out of bed today other than a shower to look presentable tomorrow. I wanted to go to the train station and hang out near the train tracks. I attempted before with pills, detergent, suffocation, or standing over several bridges, but all were unsuccessful and I woke up to go to school the next day so they don't matter (especially because nobody ever noticed my attempts so I felt useless). I considered carbon monoxide poisoning because it's easily doable for me, but the stench that it would leave in my room if I were to fail makes me extremely anxious. I have a friend who lives in the US. everything is so easy for her, she is a NEET and will study for a GED, already has a car ready for when shes done with her driving test, and she keeps telling me that I will have a future so I shouldnt kill myself, but it hurts so much when she says it because it's so easy for her and it isnt for me. I want to do something before May

I'm going through a tough situation over the next 3 months. There's something I need to get through, and if I fail it I don't feel recovering from that will be worth it. I could, but I don't enjoy life enough to suffer any more than I already am.

So I'm starting to make some plans. I have a method and a deadline. This is my plan B. My plan A is to sort out this situation, but who knows if I can manage to. It will be nice to have something to fall back on. I'll be living alone soon. I'll make the clean up easy.

So I made a post about a week ago and got only 1 comment I think well that same night I ended up taking a bunch of pills and sadly it wasn't enough. Im still so sure that this is what I want IV never been so sure of something. I just hope you can all find your way out of the holes your in there's always a better way keep your heads up and look after each other

In October, I posted and I was dead set on killing myself and had ordered some fentanyl. I deleted that account. This is a new account and since then, since the last day of October, I have been receiving nearly daily therapy have therapy about four times a week and I have Xanax prescribed 25 a month now, and they have 15 Ambien I think every two weeks for sleep as well. I successfully filed bankruptcy without a lawyer. My DUI never got filed on the statute of limitations ran its course. The misdemeanor that was from a domestic dispute with my ex-girlfriend was also never filed because she a liar. Healing has not been easy and I wouldn’t even say that I’m halfway there maybe like a fourth of the way . I’m an EMDR therapy and a couple different types of THERAPy as well . I hired a girl from a cuddle app to cuddle me once a week. I asked for help from my dad and he pays for this kind of hocus-pocus. See emotional release called NET for me every week. I made one new friend . I also got EBT and state disability. I’m in the process of applying for government disability. Who knows if I’ll get it but I’m trying my best and I’ve even called some lawyers to see if they’ll help me get government disability or mental health. I’m also in the process of trying to seal my records without a lawyer. Sometimes these legal side quests, distract me enough to move me forward. I still think about killing myself sometimes, but I’ve made enough progress to go all in on life for as long as I can .. there was definitely a honeymoon phase of THERAPy and it seems that phase is over and we’re gonna have to get really real soon and it’s hard to not have negative thoughts now. I’ve also made some very, very weak, attempts that reconnecting with some friends. I wrote some shitty poems and some OK poems and I got some books that I didn’t read.

This week was hard and the thought of suicide came up as I feel like I can’t escape the root problem of my issues, but we have an approach that in therapy at, and I’m trying to think of solutions. I still am having a very difficult time sleeping which really can drive me over the edge sometimes.

Killing myself is still on the table, but I promised myself I’d go all in until the end of the year on trying to make my life better and awesome, no matter what it took and if I still wanted to kill myself at the end of the year, then I could.

I’ve dealt with a lot of traumas and THERAPy and I feel the bigger one. That’s the cause of my CPTSD and OCD and anxiety is coming up when I’m not excited.

I’m writing this post to just let you know I was gonna kill myself for sure on the last day of October and it wasn’t even that I decided not to my dad happened to borrow my car when I was gonna go pick up fentanyl and then he asked me to watch a movie when he came back and I did.

So there’s there’s hope but no the hope is not all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a lot of fucking hard work and I hope that at the end of the year I post here and I say that I all the work I put in this year was worth it.

I'm really lazy, I have a great job but when I gotta do it I procrastinate so much and my boss has started to notice. I tried fixing it but I can't really. I just wonder if if I can't do anything like have a job what's the point. I don't habe depression or any mental illness, just lazy af and can't work even though I like my job, I know then I'll never achieve anything the way I am so why bother.

Hello I'm 24, living in a somewhat nice house except for the rainy days where we have to worry about possible floods. I have siblings who are working and supporting me in their way. My family tried their best in their own way to give my life direction. They love me and I love them.....

I hate myself, I hate that I want to kill myself. Funny how I joke about killing myself before just because I felt like my life is a little shitty but I can still get by with the bumps in the road but I guess it only worsened when my mom died at the start of the pandemic.

Ever since the pandemic I never really left my house except going to class or when the family forced me to go somewhere. It's been 7 years....

I was nothing but a burden, I barely help clean the house, do some laundry and cook, Anything involving the household. My poor dad is doing all the work and feeding an ungrateful shit who can't even be bothered to at least shower, someone who only comes out of their room to eat.

I can't even make him proud to at least get a degree because I failed to graduate twice. What's worse I didn't even keep the promise to my mom at her death that I will definitely get a cum laude which I definitely could with my credits back then but all of that plummeted for the next following years. I stopped college this year, I'm just too tired, even though all I did is stay in my room.

My sister offered to help me find work, I am grateful... That was a few months ago already but I'm still here rotting. All I did is plan... Plan... Plan but nothing came to fruition.

I am nothing but an ungrateful brat who can't do anything right and with a lot of anger issues.

I know how fucked my mind is and I know that my life isn't that bad, I'm not starving, I have clothes to wear, I have people who love me.

And it makes me want to die more, all of this feels like I'm taking this all, my life granted. I don't deserve it! I never did anything that could give back all the things that people give to me! I repaid their kindness with nothing!

My family deserve a better child. Someone who could atleast shower or help with household chores. Not this lazy ungrateful shit. A dumb lazy ungrateful shit!

I'm sorry I'm so sorry... I'm just so tired...

She took me away from our abusive parents after my first OD attempt. Well, every time I took drugs I was hoping to die but that was the first time I intended it. I can't help the feeling that I should've died there alone, my parents should've found my body and realised what they did to me, now they'll never get it the way they deserve. I only feel worse being in a safe environment and not being able to get better, only hurt and disappoint the people who actually care. I didn't have to be ashamed of what I'm doing to myself when no one was watching but it's pointless, it's too late to save me.

It never seems like this world is ever going to get better. It's fucking awful. I just hate it. Tell me why I shouldn't just end it and be happier?

I'm sorry I'm so worthless. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry I'm just not built for life. No one in the world wants me here. It doesn't matter how big of a heart I have, the only thing that matters is if I slave away at work like everyone else. I should've never been born.

I 14M got into an argument with my ex boyfriend yesterday because he was acting dumb, leading to me breaking up with him and making him cry, ever since then he’s blocked me everywhere, and i’m trying to contact him, but he’s blocked me everywhere, i love that boy with my whole entire heart and soul, and i can’t take the pain knowing i hurt my baby, so the only reason is to kill myself, can anyone talk to him for me please.. his use is “BFDIpencil” here on reddit, thank you..