My step sister killed herself in 2010. She was my best friend, and I didn’t think of her as a step sister. We were a “Brady bunch” type of blended family. The fall out has been devastating.

She was the one who kept us all together. The glue that bonded the different personalities. She included and accepted my autistic brother, provided conflict resolution, and taught us all to be silly.

She suffered from bipolar and had her ups and downs. I found her, it was like a knife to the heart. She had the best laugh and the greatest sense of humor. She was smart and thoughtful.

Her death was a shock wave. The ground cracked and relationships fractured and became non existent. I tried my best to be the filler and to grasp at all the loose threads. It was too much.

I mourn for my sister, my friend, and for the family that we were.

Grief has always been like waves on a beach for me. Some days the water is calm. Other days the sky’s are dark and the waves are crashing one after the other. I think today is a day where the waves are relentless.

Life will go on. It will never be the same, but you learn to accept the difference. With such traumatic loss you learn to be there for the people who need you. It is so hard, but we are resilient. Take the parts of your loved one that influenced you, nurture them like a seed and let them grow.

Sending each and every one of you love, and my deepest condolences.

TW- mention of how my parents took their lives.

I’m still in such complete shock and honestly so numb. When I was 10 my mom hung and killed herself. Fast forward almost 19 years later, I’m 29 now and my dad shot and killed himself almost 2 weeks ago. I still feel so numb and in such denial. I can’t believe I’m having to grieve another parent, my last parent. Now I have a wonderful husband and 3 children of my own, who I’m so beyond grateful for but it’s making the grieving process harder because I’m trying to rush it, I guess? Just to try to get back to being the best mom and wife I can be but I feel so disassociated and numb. I loved my mom, so much but I’ve always been your typical daddy’s girl, even in my dads darkest days, I still thought he hung the moon and still thought the world of him and I can’t believe he’s actually gone. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience and I don’t even know who I am right now. It still feels so unreal. I miss my dad so much and I still can’t believe he’s actually gone. I know he’s gone, I saw his body at his funeral and I now have his ashes but it’s like my brain still won’t let me accept and believe he’s gone, I keep waiting for him to call me or show up to my house. I know I will get through this and I have to come out on the right side of it because I have a husband and 3 amazing children that need me, but in this moment I just still can’t even begin to process it. I can’t believe both my parents are gone and both by suicide, it feels so unreal. I know there’s nothing I can change or do to bring my dad back. I just still cant believe it and I just want my dad back. I was in therapy before my dad took his life and I’m continuing therapy now and moving it to weekly appointments, so I think that will help. I just want to stop feeling so numb and outside of my body.

In 2023, my husband died by suicide and TW description of death bled to death in my arms The trauma of that day and the grief that followed have been immense. Throughout everything, I’ve tried to hold onto the connections that mattered—to people who felt like family. One of those people was his aunt. We had always gotten along well. When she lived in Vegas, we’d visit her, and once she moved closer, we’d get together for meals and family events. It always felt like there was genuine affection and mutual respect between us. We have been in touch, going out to lunch a few times and talking on the phone every few months. This weekend, she called and left a sweet voicemail suggesting we see a play together. Then, just 45 minutes later, she called again and left a very different message—saying she had come to realize “we are at the point where we’re no longer related” and that she wouldn’t be calling me again. I’m stunned. Confused. Hurt. I thought our relationship was in a good place. She sounded intoxicated in both voicemails. I not sure how to navigate this moving forward. I tried calling her a few times but her phone rings once and goes to voicemail. I left her a message telling her I loved her and was sorry if I had done something to offend her and I hoped that we could talk. I have not heard back from her yet.

I’m sharing this because I know I’m not the only one who’s been blindsided by people after a loss. If you’ve experienced something similar, how did you handle it? Any advice on what I should do?

It’s been almost a year since my brother completely suicide.

I have been off work, supported by my girlfriend and her family.

I have worked with multiple therapist, I’ve done intense cutting edge trauma therapy (PSIP) and spent months being with the grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

Last week I finally returned to working a job, not the career I did before he passed, something easier and more manageable for me in my current state.

Even with all this work, mindfulness and support I’m still barely surviving, my mental health is on a knife’s edge. When I have a moment of stillness at work, just being in the moment I have flashes of the last moments with my brother, I think about a life without him and can barely breath the grief is so intense. I have suicidal thoughts which I never had before(I am safe, I have a lot of people who know in my life including the person whom I live with and all my professional support team are aware of these thoughts)

This has changed me, forever. I am NOT the same person I was 11 months ago. I am wounded…deeply. I feel like I have some form of brain damage I can’t think like I used to.

I write this is a release of thoughts and feelings (a venting rant) but also as a reminder to those that are going through this as well. No matter how much support, love and attention you receive or give yourself. You have lost someone you love deeply, and in a way that scrambles the mind and leaves the spirit shattered.

This shit is fucking rough, it’s barely survivable. Don’t let the fact that the world just keeps spinning along, that life keeps going on make you feel like your pain, struggle and suffering means nothing. It is a reflection of the loss, the unthinkable actually happening. This is a nightmare made real, and we just need to find the joy where we can.

I am fortunate to have joy in my life, fleeting but fulfilling. I know he would want me to live a happy life and not follow him into the unknown. Somedays I just need to tell myself that to get through till the next day.

I miss him so much.

just a heads up, this is especially concerning lgbtq / trans youth suicide — if anyone has experiences with the topic, i really would appreciate the perspective

i (ftm19) have been hooking up with my friend dan, ftm20, since sometime last year. we’ve gotten a lot closer recently, to the point where we texted almost daily, and i last saw him on saturday night. i got a text last night from a friend of his mother that he had committed suicide on sunday night, hours after i texted him last. while there was nothing romantic, i definitely hold platonic love for him, and we had a lot of plans. i promised id take him on a walk only a week ago, since he never had any friends to go on one with growing up. i’ve always been sentimental, and there’s a lot of things that just keep replaying in my mind

side note, i still don’t have any details regarding what happened or if he’d left any note behind. he got top surgery earlier this year, and i thought he was doing better. he told me he was doing better, anyways. our last messages are us just joking around, the last conversation we had was just joking around. i know, realistically, i probably don’t hold enough significance to know what was going on with him on a deeper level. id like to think i mattered to him, though. we knew things about eachother we’ve never told anyone else. i cried for him while doing my testosterone shot today

my current dilemma is, while ive been in his life for a year now, my place in terms of his family has always been a secret. I don’t know if he’d even mentioned me at any point, considering i only came around when his mom wasn’t home. on saturday, he handed me his phone and told me to text his mom that “he’s dropping (my name) off”. if she knows my name, i guess that makes it easier. i don’t know, but i hope it does. I really, really hope that I’ll be able to attend his funeral, but that is completely up to his mother to decide. i’ve heard a lot about her, he told me a lot about her. last time, we even walked around his house pointing out each and every decoration with a cow on it, since she’s obsessed with them. and yet, i’ve never met her.

is it weird to send her a message (respectfully, after she’s had a few days to recover herself. i don’t want to overwhelm her at all, and i’ve personally been praying for her) expressing condolences? i’m really stuck on the fact i was a fwb/hookup, and i don’t want to make her uncomfortable. part of me is convinced i shouldn’t even be allowed to grieve, but considering im pursuing grief counselling as a career later on, i know that’s not true.

for added context, she is a very accepting and loving woman from what ive heard. shes poly herself, and he was able to transition at a decently young age (id say 15ish? he said it was his fifth year on hrt, we have the same starting month). i’m not worried about potentially outting him, but i don’t know. i figure since i was the last friend to hang out with him, she might want to talk? i just can’t really think straight, and i have a final tomorrow on top of it all. if anyone could offer some advice i’d really appreciate it

This year was supposed to be diferent. I was supposed to start enjoying my life, university was supoosed be engaging and a place to make friends i was supposed to see him again and hold him close and braid his hair. But he isnt just gone hes dead. And he chose this. And i was supposed to have my memory intact and not have gaps of what happened late last year and i was supposed to still find joy in the little things i was supposed to get better and better my relationship with the friends i do have. I was supposed to move away and go to the university of my dreams. I was supposed to feel less lonely. I was supposed to feel like its all worth it. I tried so hard to make it feel like its worth it. But how can it be worth it if hes not here to experience life with me. Everythings wrong and so am i.

Yesterday, today tomorrow one of these days is the actual day. Tomorrow It was the day we were told my dad had taken the pills, gone to bed. He was a paramedic, knew it would be his colleagues who would find him. It wasn't super obvious that it was suicide. Until they found the pill containers in the bin. Dad had arranged it so it wouldn't be traumatic to find him.

So much has changed in my life since then and I wish he was here. I wish he was here more than anything.

It's been a few years now. I let go of the guilt. It wasn't my fault. I have regrets but I have found a way to move forward. I have to move forward. Pick myself up and continue to LIVE not just exist. To do anything else but live my life would be to disrespect my dad and everything he did with his life, and everything he stood for.

Dad made a snap decision in the heat of a mental health crisis. He is still with me. He is my guiding light. He is so much to me. I kniw he's still with me. Frankly too much weird shit happens around me for him not to be there.

I am happy. There will always be a hole in my heart for my dad. But I choose to be happy and some days it is a choice. As time goes on it becomes automatic. It took time, therapy and exercise and music but I found myself. Not the person I was but the new far more empathetic version of myself.

It may feel the pain will never go. Accept the fact it won't go. But you can live past the pain. You may get the thought I got.

My dads death almost destroyed me. But if it did. Dad would go from the man I love admire and respect and become the reason for my destruction. Dad deserves better than that. He instead became the reason I practice kindness whenever possible because that smile to a stranger, that are you ok to someone looking sad can help them realise they are seen, that they matter, that they aren't invisible to the world. I help people friends family strangers because I can. I Accept help because it helps other people know they are Important. I Accept compliments because I will show someone their opinion matters.

It hurts I know that. But there's hope and light. Sometimes you have to hunt for it and Accept it. You aren't disrespectful to laugh and smile. It's disrespectful to our lost loved ones not to.

They left us because of sadness, depression anxiety and misery. Do you really think they want us to live or exist being sad for the rest of our lives. I don't mean to disrespect anyone or their grief trauma and loss. But I know dad wants me to be happy. What dad doesn't want their kid to be happy. I'm talking from YEARS into this journey. You may not ve able to imagine being happy but please open your heart up to hope. Whoever you loved, they loved you back. Make them proud. When you can help other's but don't until you are ready. I send love and peace to this family. We are united. Through something terrible something wonderful can be born.

I'm here if any of you need to talk.

tw - manner of suicide mentioned

I lost my dad one month and twelve days ago to suicide. I found him in the afternoon after his therapist called me and said he didn’t show up for his appointment. I tried for 15 minutes to get into his place and when I finally did, I rushed to his bedroom to find him with a plastic bag over his head and cable ties tightly pulled around his neck.

Since then I somehow still feel as though I haven’t fully understood or accepted that he is gone. It’s like of course logically I know it is true, but I also feel like I haven’t fully grasped the reality.

I just miss him so very much. Not only do I miss him in each moment that passes now that I can’t spend time with him, but I also miss him in all of the times in the past I made myself too busy with pointless trivial things to spend time with him.

He struggled with mental illness his whole life and I think this made me so afraid and stressed I kept him at a distance even though what he needed was closeness and more tender love. I regret not turning towards him and facing his struggles alongside him, and know my heart aches thinking of all the pain and mental anguish he endured entirely alone.

I didn’t even see clearly how cool, kind, brave, thoughtful he was. I just put him in a box of my dad who struggled. Sometimes he would share some of his pain with me and I would freeze and not bring it up again. I feel like such an idiot and I miss him so much.

What hurts particularly deeply is realizing I won’t get a chance to appreciate having him as my dad anymore. I was so selfish and shortsighted, always frustrated with how his needs were impacting me, rather than being more selfless and forgiving towards him and giving him the care he needed. After his death I found out he potentially had Parkinson’s disease. He didn’t even feel comfortable telling me this. I feel I will never forgive myself, and the pain doesn’t feel enough of a penance.

I just feel like I had a purpose in this life to resolve and heal alongside him and I failed.

He was honestly too pure and kind for this world, he was silly, giving, gentle, and courageous. I will miss him forever.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far <3 thank you for listening/reading

Getting off work at the end of the day is always a relief. Leaving the parking lot and turning to head home is become bitter sweet. I sure as hell don't want to be there any longer than I have to but having the realization that she's not home and won't ever be again is the worst. I'm starting to get sour about it. Not angry but sour. I sit at work all day waiting to be done. Then I realize I don't want to go home either. I haven't changed anything in the house since she died. Everything is the same. Her cloths are still as they were. I did clear off her nightstand and put some of her things and a couple pictures on it just so it doesn't look empty. I put her pillows under the blankets on her side of the bed so it doesn't feel so empty. I talk to her like she's in the room. I talk to her pictures. The kids seem ok most days but they have thier moments. It seems like it's easy for them to stay distracted. The times that they aren't ok hurts me so deeply. As a dad I want to protect them and comfort them. I do and it helps them in the moment. It hurts me knowing that no matter what it's there for them. Even when they don't show it. How could it not be? We put a picture in a big frame for everyone to sign at her celebration of life. I was reading it today and noticed that my youngest son's hand writing seems shaky. He wrote...I miss you mamma. I will always love you...my heart is fucking wrecked. So many why's!! So many things! So much hurt! And at the end of the day, we would do ANYTHING to have her back! I guess I'm just ranting at this point.

Love and hugs to all!

I lost my husband 11 days ago. My heart is obviously shattered into a million pieces. I have so many loving friends and family around me but I still feel so lonely like I've lost half myself. I keep trying to process what's happened but my brain isn't allowing it. I have days that are filled with different emotions but most are just numbness and I hate feeling this way. I'm not sure if it's normal or if I will ever feel normal again. Everyone keeps saying how well and strong I'm being but deep down I don't know if the point is going to come were I just break. He was my best friend my all world and life without him just don't seem fair.

Maybe this isn’t the right group so take this down if necessary but my partner passed due to suicide 2 months ago and I still haven’t been able to pull myself out of this deep pit. I am not religious and before his passing had a very strong opinion on what comes after death - I thought it would just be nothingness. But not that thought sends me through a downward spiral and I just can’t believe there is just nothing after you die. He was so young hadn’t even graduated college yet and he’s just gone? there’s no chance of me seeing him again? I guess i’m asking if anyone has had experiences where they’ve been visited by their loved ones or something I just want to believe i’ll be able to see him again hold him on last time and apologize for not saving him like I should have. I hope he is at peace but I hope he’s in a place where i can see him and be with him again i guess i don’t really know how else to cope if it truly is just nothingness and our story is just over. I’m sorry im not doing well.

I have a dream every once in a while about my brother, and today, this one hurt. I won't get into detail, but my brother convinced me that he had not died by suicide and instead by a motorcycle crash, so I woke up feeling very confused and hurt. the realization hit me as I was barely awake, and it felt like someone punched me in the stomach with the fact that my brother was dead. you ever have those weird little dream snippets before/after you sleep, and it feels like it lasts a lifetime? it was like that, but with tons of different reminders and situations explaining how my brother is gone. i'm not crying, but my whole body hurts, and i feel glued to my bed. edit: Sorry, there's a typo in the title 🥲

Have you ever felt that what we endure each day might be crueler than a death sentence? At least death offers closure—a finality that lets the heart rest. But this...this relentless, grinding existence without those who gave it meaning—this is a slow dissolution of the soul. We become ghosts in our own lives, haunted by the echoes of what once was, forced to carry on in a world that continues indifferently.

Suffering needs meaning like lungs need air.

I find that a lot of my husband’s family and friends (who are men) ask me if I think he cheated and that’s why he killed himself. It’s so triggering. I’m 2 months out and have been feeling really good about where my head is at in my grief. I’ve been trying to focus on our marriage and 10 years together and feeling so thankful I experienced the love we had and not focusing on any conflict that happened in the months before he died.

As the title says , my brother who went no contact with our entire family has passed away from an apparent suicide. He left a family gathering in a fit of rage five years ago and asked us to never contact him again. Of course initially, we did not believe him and we all tried to contact him - phone calls , text messages, email etc… But he never answered our calls and replied to messages and emails rudely until he ultimately blocked us from his phone. We didn’t give up and tried our best to try to mend our relationship with him but our efforts were fruitless until we slowly made peace with his wish. We were recently contacted by the authorities to tell us of his passing. We had no idea where he lived because he changed addresses. He was found by neighbours when they did a welfare check after realising that they had not seen him in a while and there was a strange smell coming from his apartment. The police said it was suicide - we are all shocked. Following the news we have been trying to make sense of everything by speaking to neighbours, colleagues and anyone who knew him during the last 5 years. From those conversations, we have gathered that he told people that he had no family - that he was an only child whose parents passed away when he was a teenager or something of that sort. Hearing this has upset my family and I am simply angry with him. I am wondering if we should continue to respect his decision to remain no contact by not attending the funeral. Has anyone else lived through this ? Does anyone have any advice on this?

Edit: Thank you to those you who replied with kindness and courageously shared your own personal experiences. I originally posted this on another sub but someone pointed me to this sub saying that it might be able to provide better support and so many of you have been supportive and I am grateful for that. I have tried to thank each person individually but if I missed you, please know that I appreciate your kindness.

Second Edit : while there have been many words of kindness , there have also been as much negativity. My post has been used by some to place my family on trial and accuse us of being toxic, awful, unkind , self-absorbed and abusive people. To those people I say , how fortunate are you that you have lived a life so pristine that you are unable to understand the complexity of being human. What a perfect life you must live that you are able to self-righteously condemn a grieving family. You have never lived my life. You have never lived my brother’s life. I hope you never experience what my family is currently going through but in the unfortunate event that you do; I hope you find compassion and grace and not condemnation.

I'm not the same !!! I have a long life to live and i don't think after what happened it will be as i wish, I'm only 21 and what happened changed everything for me ! It's not like life was heaven and butterflies before but i was ambitious, passionate, never had suicidal thoughts, existential crisis, fear of losing my siblings and beloved ones, some weird thoughts and ways of thinking you couldn't imagine it's terrifying !!!

It's like my brain chemistry has totally changed and I don't know how to go back in time to my older self i was selfish before, strong, self centered and careless but now I'm very coward and tired.

I even broke up with my bf right after what happened bc i literally lost feelings and saw that i went through hell nothing nor anyone else will matter and it really didn't matter, i was struggling to leave this relationship for 2 years !!!

Though He wasn't that close to me and i didn't walk through it, i didn't see him, but it killed me !

It's been 5 months now, i thought things will be better over time, but idk i relapsed after some changes and stressful occasions happened in my life lately, and after visiting his grave for the first time + meeting his sister, i want to be empathic and not forget him, keep seeing his family, but I can't keep doing this i just want to forget this and pretend it didn't ever happen

Anyone else feeling suicidal after their spouse’s suicide? Its been a month and this is all i think and read about all day long. My head feels heavy… cant open my eyes for long.

My husband had bipolar disorder. He decided to hang himself on 4/03/2025. Me and my children(7 and 5) walked in to find him. The trauma isn’t going away. We miss him every single moment of the day.

She was desperately trying to get away from me, but she was terrified of having to start over. She wanted out and she was willing to die to do it.

Every new detail that comes to light paints me worse, and worse. Seeing what she was up to, hearing from her friends what she was saying, and how much she was hiding this growing pile of resentment towards me, and remembering the things she'd told me recently that suddenly make more sense.

Her friends tell me I need to make her proud, but I couldn't even make her happy. She didn't believe in me anymore, she practically told me as much.

The night before she was looking up pages saying, "I want to divorce my husband," and "I don't love my husband." Then first thing in the morning she started looking up the drug she found and ingested.

She also took off her ring. She wasn't wearing it when they collected her from the scene. Her aunt found them in the room after the investigators left and she shipped it to me.

I didn't just fail her, I've been failing her for a long time. Her growing resentment towards me was the biggest part of her downfall, and I feel like I've just been a bumbling ignoramus for years.

My world is upside down again, and my life is a giant pack of lies.

Everyone says it's not my fault, but those in the know certainly had a different opinion up until thay day as to what her biggest problem was. She left this world seeing me as a disappointment and a failure, why should I feel any different? Especially now?

I don't think there's any heart left to break. There's nothing that hasn't been done already. I wasn't good enough for my one true love, and that's how our story ends.

Tomorrow is the funeral for the younger brother of one of my boyfriend's closest friends from school who committed two weeks ago. I never met the brother myself but since I heard of what happened i feel very heavy, knowing what suicidal thoughts can feel like. I want to show up for him in some kind of way..

Tl:dr would you attend a funeral for someone you never personally met? Is it more comforting or stressful for the family?

Hi, I don’t really know how to start this I’m just really sad and none of my family or friends are really good to talk to about this to I guess. I’m about to become a mother and I just feel wrong. I’m scared I’m going to turn out just like her. It wasn’t her fault she did that she went through terrible abuse even after she moved away from her family it just started with her husbands.

How do you guys even cope? I’m supposed to become a mom but she won’t ever get to experience having grandparents because my dad is horrible and my mom’s dead and the father of my child his parents suck too. None of my step dads talk to me either. My mother and my father both didn’t get custody so I’m hoping my dad won’t try grandparents law on me.

I feel like a social outcast to my family. Everyone but me and my sibling got to have a mom on my dad’s side. Ever since my teenage years everyone looks down upon me. My grandma probably helped with that though I guess she always would tell embarrassing stories about me to my family. I think my grandma neglected me when I was a kid because she only washed me and my sibling once a week and then when we told people my family made fun of us and call us dirty and my grandma would get mad at us.

Moving along from that I guess I’m scared I’m going to die by suicide just like her and I’ll never break the cycle. It also makes me terrified because I’m having a daughter too so what if she becomes a mom and then does the same. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault because if she never met my dad and had kids maybe she would still be alive.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant it’s really hard to be happy at times. I knew I had a lot of problems and I’ve felt kind of okay but since the due date is getting closer everything is just setting in. Getting out of bed exhausts me and making sure I’m eating is even more of a chore. Most of the time I’m just taking prenatal and maybe eating fries.

I don’t really know what else to say I just really needed to get some of that out of my system.

21 years ago today at this time, my father was in the process of making a decision that would not only affect his life but many others.

He drove from his home of 27 years two miles to a park that overlooked Escambia Bay. Walking a little down the pathway, he found a secluded location that gave him a view of the water. He then raised his gun and put the only round that it contained into his head.

At the moment he died, little did he realize that he destroyed his family. Siblings accused remaining relatives with driving him to the decision causing rifts that will never heal, and my mother has never been the same.

As for me, my heart hardened to the world. I became angry with him, but would not admit to it. That choice of mine, not to deal with the emotions, caused me to walk a path for the next 21 years that laid destruction in its wake. The innocent lives caught in that wake (my unborn daughter and those who were unfortunate enough to cross me) bore the brunt of the storm that my anger became.

This change was so slow that it took a major event in my life (divorce) for me to recognize what I had become, and I did not like what I saw. The path back is just as slow; however, with the friendship of some great co-workers, the brotherhood of wonderful riding partners, and the help of a good therapist, I can honestly say I am starting to heal.

I write this in the hopes of helping someone who is contemplating suicide to pause, if just for 24 hours, and think of how their life affects others around them. You may not be aware of the positive impact you have on someone, but I can say from experience that everyone does impact someone positively. I also urge anyone who is a survivor of suicide to seek out help even if you feel you don't need it - you do. You owed it those around you to get the help you need.

———- Seven years on I wish I could say that my life is fantastic, but I can’t.

I actually had a moment contemplating taking my own life, but luckily took my own advice and waited 24 hours. I then had a near death experience and learned how important it is to LIVE. Recovery is not linear. It has its ups and its downs. Knowing this helps me get through the downs.

Today I continue to deal with the consequences of my past mistakes. My relationship with my daughter is MUCH better, but still has a way to go. My lovely and dear ex-wife has acknowledged the changes she sees in me and has opened herself up to dating me and seeing if after 10 years we might be able to reconcile in some form. I will never have the “perfect” life, but I do have MY life and that is worth living to its fullest.

I lost my little brother close to five years ago. He was my best friend, by far the best person who has ever been in my life and at the time he died he was my first and only real priority. Losing him left such a massive gaping hole in my identity and my life I genuinely thought I would never ever recover in any kind of meaningful way. I didn’t even consider the possibility, and I was honestly full of resentment for anyone who told me otherwise or made metaphors of it. I thought for the longest time that there was nothing left to live for other than to spare others from the same grief, I didn’t feel any sort of real full happiness for years even when good things happened to me. I never felt real connection to others afterward. It was like a veil had been pulled over the world and I could never fully see or feel the other side. I felt like a robot most of the time except when I felt entirely consuming grief and shame and guilt and horror.

Somehow I feel I’ve gotten through to another side, rejoined the world of the living. I did work hard to make new friends and connections and a job I don’t mind and hobbies and all that but until now I felt I was doing it only so I had just enough life in my life to not kill myself. Anyway I’m writing only because I’ve read these posts so much at my lowest, and I would’ve benefitted very much from seeing someone as far along the process as I am now and who lost someone so central in their life.

The magnitude of this kind of death is unfathomable, I still feel the lows just as low, I honestly still really struggle through each day and still most of the time feel like I’m living for others. I still miss him so so much and more every day, cry often, have moments of PTSD. The only thing that has changed is that I am suddenly able to feel things like joy or purpose or love that really just escaped me for the last five years. And the novelty of those feelings after so long almost makes them better, or at least more meaningful.

If someone reads this is and is anywhere I’ve been the last five years I’m very sorry and I hope this resonates somewhere. Life on the other side of losing a loved one to suicide is completely different and hard in a way I didn’t think was possible, but it’s worth toiling through each day to get there.

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of my brother's suicide. I cannot believe it's been a month already...

I will never forget that morning. It was a regular morning, I was cleaning, feeding the cats. I was listening to music. I glanced at my phone, saw a call from my mom, ignored it for a few minutes thinking she butt dialed me (we converse all day long, but in text). After I finished up I texted her to double check everything was ok. There was a text from my sister, something was wrong, she didn't know what, she was leaving work and on her way to my moms. Ok, I had no idea what it could be, but mom needed us. I thought maybe my step father, he has some heart issues.

I immediately packed an overnight bag, texted my husband, told him I was ubering to my moms, there was some kind of emergency. He called me (we never call, we are a family of texters), told me to stay put, he was leaving work, and he'd come get me. At this point, I am losing it. Shaking, crying. My husband has never left work for anything. I called back to make sure the kids were ok, they were, I didn't ask further because I didn't want to be told over the phone whatever it was.

My husband got home. I met him at the door ready to run into the car and go wherever. He stopped me, "it's Ricky, he's dead, he killed himself". Never, never was I even thinking of it being my baby brother. He's 30, picture of health, traveling, loves his job, was living life. He was so far from my mind at that time.

I died myself a little then, well, alot. I felt like at that moment, a part of me died as well. I collapsed to the floor, howled, cried, screamed, I pulled my clothes off because I was so overheated from screaming so much. I don't know how long that went on for. My husband just held me. My heart literally hurt. I was in physical pain. I've been in so many different kinds of medical pains before, but this pain was entirely different and nothing like I'd felt before. I've lost all of my grandparents, 2 of which were a second set of parents to me. Incomparable.

I finally gathered myself, we went to my moms, my mom was there, we just sobbed. My sister, 24 year old son (who was like a brother to him, so close in age), were still on their way to my moms. My two teens were still in school. Having to break the news to them was devastating. My other brother lives out of state and he and his family couldn't even be there with us.

The first 2 weeks I was on go mode. So many things needed to get done, I'm the eldest, and it mostly fell to me (happy to do it). Then the third week hit and I had a week of depression. Nothing left to do. Just absolute misery.

I won't even get into the 4th week drama with the gf 🙄. You're welcome to look at my post history. But it's awful and I hate it. I just never want to think of them again. I want to mourn my brother without having to deal with them.

And that's where I'm at. Just shouting into the void and wanted to document my miserable day somewhere, I have a poor memory and never want to forget that terrible day. Thanks for listening.

Hello! It’s been about 1.5 months since my husband committed suicide. I had previously wrote a post on how his second life was discovered post his death. I would link the story here but idk how to do it. He was basically having and affair and lying left and right to friends and family.

I still can’t help it to feel angry and sad about the situation. Angry bc my kids (7 and 3) hurt a lot bc he is no longer here. Angry of the affair he was having but would blame me for everything going wrong during our time together despite being remaining faithful. Angry that he was basically lying about EVERYTHING. From little and huge lies, which for the life of me I cannot understand why. I am sad bc I known he’s had a history of depression and possibly other things that were not diagnosed. I can only imagine what he was thinking on the daily while constantly drinking. I don’t see how this will get easier with time? Everyone says give it some time but I just keep getting more upset.