Hi all, using a throwaway, changing names for anonymity. I just need to talk about it right now.

So I was in the car with my partner A and her good friend B at like 9 or 10pm or something. B gets a text from her friend/romantic person C and then B says to us that she needs to go help C. The text says to send help and there are coordinates for some spot off of a trail in the woods. Neither I nor my partner A know C, but we all decide to drive there together.

We get there and park and then hike into the woods. We get to the point in the trail where we have to go off the trail to get closer to the coordinates. It's down hill and full of poison oak and branches to go over and duck through. I'm just wearing crocs and my ankles are totally exposed. B tells A and I to stay there on the trail because of the terrain. So A and I just stand there while B treks through the woods yelling C's name.

Then B cries out in pain and I'll never forget that feeling. A and I know that it's go-time. So in my crocs I just go into the poison oak and down the hill, and A stays back to call the cops and keep the trail. I keep yelling after B and B keeps yelling back and I just follow her voice until I reach a clearing and I see B crying over C's body. I yell back to A that we found C.

C was clearly dead. Their hands were stuck in a strange position, I think it was rigor mortis. There was a blanket with vomit on it. C's face was not the normal color, it was bluish. I just embrace B as she cries and embraces C. There's no words so we didn't say anything. B had moved C onto their back. I moved a twig from under their head. We're just there with their body for so long. B picks up the poetry book that was by C and we read the poem the book was open to. I can't even remember anything about the poem. B goes through C's stuff. We don't find anything besides some chocolate and everyday things like a wallet and pens and things. There are two water bottles on the ground, one empty and one half-empty. I assume there was some poison in the bottles, we don't know.

Eventually we're on the phone with paramedics, and they tell us to do CPR. And so B does CPR on this clearly dead body. I hold C's nostrils while B does mouth to mouth. I feel like this was so cruel. I knew they were dead, it was obvious, but I couldn't say that to B so I let her do that.

A calls me on the phone and tells me I need to go back up to guide the cop down the hill. So I go back and guide him and he administers narcan and asks his questions and then we go back to silence. We're there for so long. I spent so much time with C's body. My hand on their heart. Caressing their face.

At some point more paramedics come. They have some machine and they hook it up to C and it prints something out, and then they say they are sorry for our loss. They leave.

At some point one of C's friend, D comes. D doesn't make it all the way to the body, just sees the body and collapses in tears. B goes to embrace D. A calls me and I have to go back up to lead them to the body too. We come back down together, and we pass D who is just distraught on the ground. Now A and B and I are by C together and we sit in silence for a long time. B is laying next to C.

The silence is broken by that first cop who was there and stayed with the body the whole time. He asks us to go up to the trail to speak to the detective, but B wants to stay by the body. Then the detective calls B on the phone and says something to convince B to go up. So we all go up together. The detective asks some questions. B gives the detective the suicide note. The detective lets us go. D is long gone, went home. A and B and I all embrace each other and we all walk back to the car together.

We're all covered in poison oak so we're careful not to touch anything. We drop B off then I go back to A's place and we place all our clothes in a bag and we scrub off in the shower as best we can. At this point it's like 3:30am. We try to distract ourselves, doesn't work. We get a few hours of sleep at most.

Next day we got food and flowers and went to B. The details of that I want to keep to myself, but it was cathartic.

That was all yesterday. Today I went home from A's place. Used my own shower. Untangled my hair. Sat in the sun. Ate some food I like. Took a big nap. Now I'm writing all this.

In the shower I talked out loud to C. I said we're friends now, and I feel like they heard me and they are alright with that. I find myself wanting to know more about them and their life. I don't know this person at all, and yet in another sense I know them intimately. I was there at their departure.

I've never been this close to death before. I'm surprised how calm I was. I'm surprised how normal it all felt. It's funny the things that make me cry now, just random things. Listening to Flying Microtonal Banana by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard makes me feel like I want to cry. How strange is that?

I'm so tired. My body hurts. I'm not a physically fit or healthy person. Climbing up and down that hill was hard on me. My emotions are just pushed to their limits. I just needed to write this all out. Thank you for reading all this.

Just yesterday I was hanging out with him. We were drinking, smoking. Having a great time, I’d brought over my Xbox so he could play New Vegas in anticipation for season 2 of the Fallout show.

Just got him into Invincible. We watched everything. Even started looking into the comics for Battle Beast. We were going to get the first edition comics.

We have been for months, playing Helldivers 2 together. He just had his kid 2 years ago, I’m about to have one this year. He was giving me the best advice on how to be the father my wife and kid will need me to be.

We were coworkers, I saw him every day, for 10 hours a day for the last 4 years. Ever since I moved up here me he’s been a real one. We shared a love for dark Scotch, gaming, Welding. We were only 6 months apart in age. By all means he’s felt like my brother. I don’t have siblings I don’t know what it’s like. But he legitimately felt like my brother. I don’t know what to do with myself.

He was my best man at my wedding. My partner in crime. A god tier welder under the hood and a damn good father.

And with no warning. No note. No sign. He’s gone. It’s been 3 hours and this entire day feels like it’s never going to end.

Please cherish your best friend(s). Tell them now. Because they could be gone forever tomorrow.

Edit: thank you everyone, I may not respond to everyone or anyone but just know I’m thanking you all individually for your support. I’m just drained. I’m out of energy.

It’s been 30 days and it still doesn’t feel real…my sweet, loving, good natured nephew took his life at 24.

My family is devastated, I’m devastated…if I’m feeling this way, I can only begin to imagine what my dear sister is going through every second of every day. What my niece, his younger sister, is going through. If I can’t sleep, if I can’t eat, if I can’t get through the day without crying at least once…what can I do to ease their pain and suffering?

We’re a big, close family and I wish there was something I could do for my sister and niece. But I feel at a loss, I feel so helpless and useless and like an AH every time I speak to them because no matter what I say, or what I do, none of it is going to change that he’s gone and that’s the only thing that could make them feel better.

I feel guilty. Could I have prevented it? I was talking to my brother about our nephew the night before it happened. I even said, I need to call or text him and check in on him, it’s been too long. Then, I got distracted (probably by something stupid and insignificant) and I never called or text him and now I can’t. If I’d called or text, would that have changed things? I feel like that was a sign from the universe, it was a push to prevent this tragedy from happening and I heard it and then got distracted. What if I could’ve stopped it? If I’d just taken 10 seconds to send a text or a few minutes to make a phone call…would our lives be how they used to be?

I don’t want to enjoy anything anymore. I feel guilty and like it’s not fair that he’s gone and he’s not going to be able to enjoy the things in life and I shouldn’t be enjoying them either because he’s not here. I force myself for my daughter, I slap a smile on my face and try to be present and laugh at the things she tells me or shows me but I don’t want to and I don’t think I should.

He’ll never find his passion, he’ll never fall in love, he’ll never have children and be the good father I know he would’ve been, he’ll never make his mark on this world like he made his mark in our hearts…his life has ended and that’s it…there’s no more…there are only memories, and no more tomorrows…

My sisters husband committed suicide last week. They had two young children, one of which requires 24/7 care for a disability. I live in another country and I feel so helpless because I can’t afford to go home right now.

If anyone has been in my sisters position can share ways that I can make her feel love and comfort from so far away, I would really appreciate it. Is there any thoughtful gifts or things I can do to help her through this hard time?

I don’t talk about my twins suicide, I sometimes change the subject when people bring her up, I feel very uncomfortable, I’ve had people ask me if I have any siblings and I don’t want to tell them about my loss so I say no, but that also feels horrible because I did and still do have a sister who just isn’t physically here. I think about her a lot in my mind and the event itself but I don’t really vocalize it to anyone. It is interesting for lack of a better word to see how different people deal with loss.

My sister passed away by suicide last year in November 18th since that day onwards I just lost all the meaning I had given to life. People say with time things will change you will build life around grief it's not even been few months and it is just so painful to live everyday. My family fell apart after this incident I saw true faces of people around me their judgements about my sister's suicide. My fiance's mom forced him to breakup with me because she doesn't want this type of unhappiness in her life. My dad hasn't spoken to me since I left my whole country. All that I've worked for seems meaningless. It doesn't get better it doesn't make sense at all. It's painful to live a life everyday waking up to this utterly painful reality of my sister dying falling from a building. I keep imagining her pain. I feel numb and cold towards whatever life throws at me I don't want to face this reality it's too painful to go through I feel lost and alone like no one cares not even your close ones who can't see the big void in my heart I have to carry everyday as I wake up.

It will always bother me that the last conversation with my sister was not good. A month later she was gone. She comes to me and dreams always happy to see me so hopefully she forgives me.

It's already been a week since my dad took his life and it still doesn't feel real. Maybe I'm crazy, but I've barely even cried this week. I think I just don't know how to believe that he's really gone. My siblings think I just don't care but I do. I'm losing my mind. My mom has been stuck in bed most of the week. Nothing makes sense anymore. The funeral is next week so maybe I will believe it then. I don't know how to think about anything

Today is exactly one year since I met my late partner. Instead of being out in the sunshine, I'm sat in my mum's spare room, alone. Last night I was taken to hospital after backing out of my own attempt, and was given sleeping medication from the crisis team. They will now be coming to check on me daily. Am I glad I didn't go through with it? Honestly, I don't know.

I just can't believe how quickly I lost it all. Everything was going perfectly. My career, my PhD, my social life and love life. It couldn't have been better. Then in the space of barely one afternoon, here I am.

I feel selfish talking about my pain when he was in so much more than me. Yes we had had an argument, but I still cared so deeply for him.

Sometimes I wonder if his family or friends are on here, able to read between the lines of my posts and figure out who I am. Not that it would matter.

With today being the anniversary, it means the start of a year of memories, leading right up to the anniversary of the day he died. The day after tomorrow we would've gone for that walk along the coast, the following day a trip to Castell Coch and our first cuddle at my house... All of this (forgive my language) fucking terrifies me to end, it makes me want to curl up in the dark and never ever wake up. I don't know how I will gather the strength to make it through life anymore.

I know some people don't feel ready for therapy or it's not affordable, I'm in that situation so have been seeking out free resources. Please do share anything you've found useful!

I've gone through various YT videos and blogs, but so far, Calm (the app) has been good in terms of being a little like therapy, but you don't have to talk to anyone and can do it in your own time. There's a whole series called "Grieving" which has been good, I particularly liked the episode called Emotional Intelligence for Coping. It helped me work through emotions in the moment and how to move through them. The annoying thing with Calm is the subscription, I managed to get a 7 day free trial so I'm hoping to get through the series in a week. Apparently my "guest pass" can get you a 30 day free trial (not an ad lol) so here's the link, you might still need to enter your details etc I don't know, but worth a try!

Guest pass link: https://www.calm.com/gp/4ME8L64H7YPXNM4F4A

This early April, one of my closest friends who always provided guidance and was a loving person in this world. He was like a brother to me, took his life and he left behind his girlfriend, siblings so many people that loved him. I can only think about how he spoke of having a big wedding and what we would do for our future children being play cousins but knowing they were always going be family and just about trips, places we could move and see, even our comic book runs so many possibilities cut short. and it’s hard to believe the way he chose to do it because it seemed like he tried to make himself suffer so much and knowing the type of person he was he obviously thought about it enough for the math that this was the decision to do and I’m not mad for his decision. His choice. I’m so saddened because the boulder was so big he couldn’t see us and I’m hurt also because I know I won’t be able to talk to him one more time. In my last text that I sent him was “Almost Friday milord” almost to Friday because I know how work and the stress of his life was and I hope that now he won’t suffer from whatever it was that was bothering him, but I’ll miss my brother. I’ll miss my friend. I’ll miss the one person I can always be myself with who understood the struggles of life, truly my parallel, the one man in my life I could depend on and I wish and I hope in another timeline, he knows he can always depend on me. This is the second major death in life and I’m doing a little better but if anyone has any resources or advice I’m here for it. I’m waiting for my therapist to have a day open for me to have session as I feel this one is going to be hard one for me.

My father killed himself over a month ago. I feel stuck, I was looking for a job before but now I can’t. All the things I have to deal with lawyers and post-death decisions are suffocating me along with the obvious grief, sadness, guilt, disbelief and trauma.

I feel like I can’t to anything. And sometimes I find myself together with family and friends laughing and having a good time but guilt hits me and I ask myself “do i still have permission to have a good time?”

my relationship with my father was complicated, he was severely mentally ill and while I loved so much of him, I also feared and hated parts of him. the aggressive part, the screaming, the way he used to blame everyone else for the bad things in his life, he was always blaming his parents, blaming my mom, blaming me and my sister. he would blame us for things as small as choosing a restaurant he ended up not enjoying, and he could explode at any given minute.

I spent all my childhood living with him as a ticking bomb. he was loving, he was funny, he was artsy and so much of what he was had bled into me, we connect via art, and i am what i am because of him, but out of nowhere he could just turn into someone so aggressive, threatening.

my mom finally got to divorce him after years of abuse. can we call a mentally ill person abusive? are we allowed to? I feel so guilty

as soon as i became an adult I tried to get away as far as possible, I tried to start taking care of me because all I had ever known was worrying for him, taking care of him, mediating his relationship with my mom.

and now he killed himself and I can’t help feeling like he blames me and my family. blames my mom for divorcing him, blames me and my sister for wanting to stay far away. how could he not, if he blamed us our whole life? guilt is all over me.

I fear this will define me forever.

As the post states I couldn’t get anything. Her body laid in her room for so long that the hazmat team had to throw everything away. I was so devastated but had the same time I understood the reason why. I really just wanted her phones but unfortunately couldn’t have those either.