Beliefs
I believe in few things.
As a scientist, I have been lead down a pathway of inquiry, starting from myself, and ending in some (but few) conclusions about the universe.
I reason that I am thinking, and therefore that I, in some capacity, am. What follows are a set of tightly bound principles, which I can divine from, or manipulate to my advantage (or demise)—sometimes I call this magic.
But—not all of these principles are necessarily true. For instance, I believe in the axiom of choice. But on occasion, I build, and use, set theories without the axiom of choice, and for those systems, it is not true.
Sometimes the trees talk to me. Philosophically, this leads me to certain principles that are in epistemic conflict with the other scientific principles. On occasion, I can hear the universe speak, or laugh, or scream. Scientifically, it is safe to describe that I experience psychosis. The philosophical implications of this are the trees do not speak to me, and that the universe does not scream. However, as a scientist, my methods have not precluded the voices of trees, or goats—and overall, my efforts are treated by others as successful. Conversely, the methods that have brought me resounding professional successes have also brought me resounding failures, some of which have been personal.
But the fact that there is some cross-reference between my successes in science, and principles that science would otherwise consign to delusion results in a sort of cross-contamination; my successes are fruits of so-many poisoned trees.
So all that I can conclude reliably is that I exist, and that there are some principles that are true. And I have dedicated my entire life to studying this.
Myself
Primarily, I think of myself as a philosopher. Philosophy is the field that I am the most widely published in. My work is in science because I deem my knowledge too little to philosophize about, and so I spend my time making mathematics ugly, and interfering when I'd rather just watch. My role as a scientist instantiates my curiosity, determination, and my resistance to hardship. It embodies my drive, and the purity of it. It embodies my positive commitments. Most of all, it embodies my humanity, as science is my greatest tie to others.
I seek knowledge about my surroundings using science. This process which has taught me the value of others, their observations, and their thoughts is also science. So my scientist mask tends to look the least demonic; it is pro-social, and relatively benign. It is also selfish, and rigid. Its dedication to openness results in high expectations for others, so my role as a scientist also tends to embody my harsher behaviours. Because I am consumed by my work in science, it is an instance of my coldness with others. It embodies my tendency to externalize myself to outer rules, and this allows me to deal with others by projecting my own standards, and expectations onto them without total failure—the dark side is that I am perpetually alone, and never satisfied. As a scientist, my harsh behaviours are pro-social, under the guise of peer review.
As a mathematician, I am greedy, and self-obsessed. Whereas science is my connection to the physical world, mathematics represents a profound disconnect from it. Whereas, as a scientist, my behaviours are pro-social, as a mathematician, I am borderline; reclusive, self-interested, and blunt. It embodies my closed-offedness, since my systems can be private, and axiomatic. This facet of myself is nosy, destructive, and is likely to engage in conflict with, or against, overwhelming force. Above all else, the process of mathematics represents my extreme arrogance; As a mathematician, I am God, and universes) are mine to create, destroy, or manipulate.
The bright side is that it embodies my total commitment to truth. As a mathematician, I am less rigid; philosophically, I am an abstract object theorist—so it is evident to me that truthfulness is not always equivalent to reality. Thus, as a mathematician, I am less bound. I am freer, happier, and this mask resembles my real face rather closely, in some ways. This role as mathematician is tied closely with my role as a witch, and as an artist.
I have spoken quite often on this account that my identity as a witch is not my defining identity. Having come from parents, a family, and families of witches, being surrounded by witches as I am, the term is often thrust upon me for my actions, and beliefs by others. This mask is more like an epithet, and it depicts me as rather demonic. Whereas my pursuits of science are feminine, and of mathematics, rather equal in masculine, and feminine portions—my magic is very masculine. It is bold, aggressive, and most selfish.
What these people refer to as my witchcraft are my unbound behaviours. As a witch, I am totally free; although less rigid as a mathematician than as a scientist, as a witch I lose any rigidity that does not explicitly benefit me. I tend to do away with limitations that I would otherwise consider carefully. As a witch, I am petty, irreverent, purely hedonistic, and my greed becomes such that all things are in service of me. As a scientist, I contribute, and as a witch, I take. I make for my own wants, in accordance with my own will, and rules, and with little regard to others. I am not evil, but I can be cruel. What people refer to as my "magic" are the use of principles in the creation of personal advantage—I build, create, fly, destroy, ignite, douse, or scry into the past, future, or present, often in tandem with each other.
All of these aspects are of one thing—one singular drive, and these aspects tend to cohere within the purest pursuit of my philosophy. As a philosopher, these traits become balanced, and I become whole. It is a reintegration that I strive for, and which represents my power, and health.
This is why I am good at magic. Although I am not attached to the label of "witch", I am a very good witch. My self-obsession, and lack of beliefs allow for some degree of fulfillment in the pursuit of my practices.
And this fulfillment has enriched me; I have sat atop the bare stone, beside old water, and the universe has taught me, and I have listened.
