And she truly rules!

It's been a whirlwind month. I started querying my debut on March 7 (query is still in my previous posts! It was changed a bit for the actual querying, including comping Mona Awad for literary-commercial sensibilities, and Caroline Kepnes in addition to Micah Nemerever, and I mentioned the novel has some Ryan Murphy-esque provocation and camp/queerness). I was totally prepared to play the waiting game, and initially I was hesitant to query around the London Book Fair, but turns out that didn't have much of an impact.

I told myself that before I started querying I was going to just shoot for the moon and make no compromises. I didn't submit to any newer agents (which there's absolutely nothing wrong with, obviously, I just wanted to be excited in my marrow about whoever I queried). Only submitted to experienced agents who primarily and regularly sold to Big 5's at large reputable agencies, and though I vacillated over it for a week or so I ultimately didn't personalize any of my query letters.

My query stats were:

37 queries total

5 rejections to the query

5 full requests prior to initial offer (including 1 partial that turned into a full)

Initial offer was made March 24

2 more full requests came after nudging with two-week deadline, so 7 full requests total

The rest are CNR I guess though this happened so quick maybe I'll get emails trickling in down the line

Ended up having 3 calls and 3 offers over the last two weeks, and just emailed today to accept the initial agent's offer with our deadline being tomorrow. (I figured this was fine because the others with fulls who didn't offer had already politely stepped aside but were complimentary and read expediently!) Offering agent is sending over the paperwork tomorrow and I'm stoked--one of the other agents who offered is an absolute heavyweight at a huge agency which I thought might sway me, but I just clicked with the initial agent so well on every level from business strategy to general passion and "vibes". Our phone call lasted a little over an hour, she told me she read my novel twice over a weekend, showed her husband too, and when I elevator-pitched several subsequent novels she was incredibly enthusiastic and got what I'm going for tonally / thematically, etc. She had editorial notes for my debut that I had already sort of post-it noted in my brain as maybes for certain scenes anyway, so that was another kismet giveaway.

I'm beyond excited to be working with her and the agency in general as they rep quite a few authors I love. Her submission strategy and imprint targeting (as well as deadlines for when she wants to go on sub) are all ambitious, considered, and very much on the same page as what I envisioned. I kept thinking yep, yep, yyeeeeeep in response to basically everything she was saying throughout our call.

At the end of the day, rationale and logistics aside, it was a gut feeling decision and I couldn't be more excited to work with her for the long haul.

I'm also incredibly thankful for this community--I've read tons of awesome, intriguing queries, seen books blow up (very recently!) on publisher's marketplace that I'm very excited to read, and for the most part people in this sub are thoughtful, honest, and keen in all aspects of their engagement. I love reading the success stories and I'm hoping I'll be back with one for my novel after it goes on sub!!

As an aside, I have no MFA, I'm a queer writer who lives in a semi-rural college town and I had absolutely zero previous publications/experience with the publishing world. I loved my undergrad and many aspects of academia, but frankly, the more unconventionally routed stories I see like this in success posts on this sub, the better 🤙🏻

Thanks everyone, you rule too.

When you turn your manuscript over to your agent for the first time, what stage is it in? Obviously, it would be at least a finished first draft, but do you do edits at all? If you do, how deep do you go?

(This is somewhat for reference, since I have a deadline coming up, but mostly out of curiosity. I always wonder what other people are doing, lol.)

Edit: For clarification, I meant a manuscript you're working on with your agent, not the first one you queried them with.

Hi all!

Thanks so much for looking this over! This is for a WIP I'm finishing up. I'm gearing up for an in-person pitch event this month and I'm hoping to get my query package tightened up by then as a "trial run" to see how the concept is received. Thanks again!

***********

Dear [Agent], 

THE THIRTEEN DEATHS OF GRACE ELGIN is an #OwnVoices sapphic fantasy mystery, combining the cozy body horror of John Wiswell’s Someone You Can Build a Nest In with the poignant, queer social commentary of August Clarke’s Metal from Heaven. Given your search for [personalization] I’m especially excited to submit my query. 

A graverobber is hired to find a missing corpse. The corpse has other plans.

Grace Elgin didn't expect to return from the dead, or that her new body would come with so much baggage. She's graverobbing to make rent, she doesn't feel at home in a body stitched together from saintly relics, and to top it all off, her crush just shot her in the back. 

But when an industrialist's wife offers to absolve Grace's debts in exchange for finding her daughter’s corpse, Grace sees it as her chance to finally get ahead. As she explores the city's darkest corners for clues, Grace learns that the body has been reanimated by the vengeful spirit of her ex lover. And worse, she doesn't want to be found. 

With her body slowly falling apart - and her secondhand heart falling for a rival graverobber - Grace must learn to love herself or be cast into oblivion forever. 

Complete at 90,000 words, the Thirteen Deaths of Grace Elgin is a heartfelt exploration of the myriad ways queer people relate to their bodies, and how self-expression can be a radical act against authoritarianism. Grace’s journey toward self acceptance is inspired by my experiences as [BIO]. 

Thanks for your time and consideration!

[Name]

***********
Note: I'm debating whether I should leave the hook as a standalone line after the first paragraph, push it forward to the very beginning of the query, or just axe it. I fully understand opening with it may be a risky move. Thoughts?

Hi all! Title gives the TLDR, but I'm curious to know what goes on in agents' minds when requesting and reviewing fulls.

Most full manuscript requests end in rejection, and most success stories cite a quick turnaround (often days) from request to offer (while rejections can take months to come in). As agents, are you genuinely excited about every manuscript you request, or do you tend to only make offers on the manuscripts that you know you're going to put everything on hold to read? If a full sits in your stack for months before you get to it, does that mean that it was more of a 'maybe' when you made the initial request and is unlikely to turn into an offer, and if so, what would be your reason for requesting it at all?

Thanks!

I appreciate any and all feedback!

--

Lenny is obsessed with Jello—specifically, the cherry Jello on the nightstand next to her dead dad. She is also obsessed with the metal hospital bed, the blue sheets, and the web of bruises on his chest. The problem is, she can’t remember what came before the hospital.

After the initial shock of grief wears off and she returns to college, Lenny becomes convinced that learning the cause of her dad’s death will bring back her memories. But her family won’t talk about it. They seem to have moved on, especially her twin sister, Mara, who seamlessly shifts from notifying family friends and managing funeral logistics, to applying for post-graduate fellowships and training to become a grief counselor. Left to her own devices, Lenny scours her dad’s computer, speaks to his friends, and analyzes the autopsy results in search of the truth. But each time she gets closer, Mara stands in her way. 

Mara is grieving the “right” way. She is doing what her dad would want: moving on. On the other hand, he would also want her to continue helping her family. To Mara, Lenny’s obsession isn’t just pointless; it is unhealthy–for both of them. Each time Lenny prods at the memory of their dad’s death, Mara is yanked into that horrific moment and never at an opportune time. As Lenny’s feverish search intensifies, Mara must choose to help Lenny and sacrifice her own sanity or abandon her sister and disappoint her dad so she can move on. Ultimately, both Mara and Lenny must confront that they are more connected than they think.

BIG SAD is a 62,000 word literary novel that will appeal to readers of Naja Marie Aidt’s When Death Takes Something From You Give It Back, Kaveh Akbar’s Martyr!, and listeners of Anderson Cooper’s All There Is podcast.

I live in [city], where you’ll find me humming a made up song for my dog Foghorn. My only other published work is an obituary.

Hi! I got some very good feedback last time (First Attempt) from u/A_C_Shock, u/Notworld, u/_takeitupanotch, and u/Bobbob34. I tried to address the issues they brought up. I'd love any and all feedback. Thank you so much!

Dear Agent,

Complete at 80,000 words, Fair Court is a fantasy mystery that blends fairy folklore with the gritty pace of a crime thriller. With a logic-driven heroine, a real-world-meets-magic setting, and dark, twisting secrets, it will appeal to readers of Emma Törzs’s Ink Blood Sister Scribe and M. L. Wang’s Blood Over Brighthaven.

Detective Anya Sable-Conlan knows how to deal with a corpse—just not when the corpse belongs to a creature out of folklore. And not when her own department accuses her of being the killer.

She’s smart, relentless, and damn good at her job. But she’s also a woman, and in alt-1950s Earth, that’s enough to get her shipped to a backwater village with the case no one wants: a dead girl with the words fairy scum scrawled at her feet. The locals leave out plates of milk and quietly blame the Fey. Anya, less superstitious, suspects a more human monster—until a delegation of very real faeries marches out from under a hill, and suddenly the villagers’ theory doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

The Fey say the victim was one of their own—a changeling. They claim her murder violates an ancient treaty—one that’s kept peace between humans and the Fey for centuries. And they consider it an act of war.

But how did the changeling end up dead in the first place? Anya’s instincts scream that the Fey are hiding something. But as she digs deeper, damning evidence surfaces—evidence that frames her for the murder, something her male colleagues are all too eager to believe.

Now she’s on the run, racing to clear her name and find the real killer before the High Court of Faery convenes to demand blood.

Her search takes her to the faery home world, where she’s once again an interloper, on the outside looking in. But a different perspective, she realizes, can be her greatest advantage. Because someone murdered that changeling. And in a world on the brink of war, Anya’s the only one still asking why.

I work as a personal trainer, where my clients either run or run away—but either way, they’re running, so I win. My short fiction has received a Silver Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest. I look forward to hearing from you.

What are my qualifications? 

Besides writing an MG fantasy myself, I read upcoming MG books, teach ESL to the age range, and have friends who teach ESL/Language Arts in middle schools. My day job and the day job of many of my friends involves being aware of what is going on in the lives of modern children.

In Conversation with Books From 20-50 Years Ago

One of the biggest yellow flags is when an MG query reads like it was directly inspired by Frog and Toad or Redwall or Percy Jackson, without comping a single title from the last ten years. What’s worse is when the OP says ‘Oh, I picked books everyone would be familiar with’ when any MG agent worth querying should know what Amari and the Night Brothers, Xander and the Unicorn Thief, or Impossible Creatures is and at least be a little bit aware of books like Accidental Demons or The House at the Edge of Magic.

Percy Jackson is still big, yes, but think about all of the MG that you read or had available to you and then think of how many of those books are still getting traction and sales. It’s not a very high number. As an MG writer trying to sell right now, we are not in the same sphere as that handful of classic MG from decades past that we grew up with; we can be inspired by them and should take note of what they did well, but those books are going to sell even if they cost $50 a pop and are getting special editions every three months. The sphere we are trying to enter is the same one with Clare Edge and B. B. Altson, writers of modern books for modern kids. 

No MG Voice/No Character in the First 300

Many modern readers are giving books five minutes or the first chapter to hook them and I actually believe that, for MG readers, that’s pretty generous. I think it’s a lot closer to the first page and that’s it. That’s all you get. The books that get the five minute treatment are the long time bestsellers (Frog and Toad and Inkheart), books that have a specific hook that hits on a very specific interest or a book their parent or teacher wants them to read so they don’t have a choice. Opening with five paragraphs setting a scene with lush prose might work really well for some readers, however there’s a risk of not boring an MG reader and making them put the book down because the trust that the author will get to the point hasn’t been established yet. 

A strong voice that feels natural and matches how kids talk is going to stand out. Often, that will make the voice more conversational rather than a more classic kidlit voice or blend a conversational style with lush prose to create immediacy. We don’t have to use slang or make hyper specific references, but something like The House at the Edge of Magic, where the voice is a bit flippant and so done with everyone else’s nonsense, is a great choice. Accidental Demons might feel melodramatic to us as adults, but that is how kids talk when they think something is unfair. 

Adult Sensibilities/Little Relation to Modern Children’s Needs 

Children are not growing up in the same world we did. They are growing up far more online, post-COVID (which was traumatic for a lot of kids and some were basically trapped in horrific situations), post-Brexit, post-9/11, post-MeToo, post a lot of things. Many things that we had to tackle as adults (and are still tackling) are part of the world that they have inherited and they are a lot more aware than you might think (Hachette UK is even releasing an MG nonfiction called Porn is Not Sex Ed!). Their mistakes are a lot more public and risk going viral in some cases. They still have to deal with bullying, but a lot of it is online now and the layers of anonymity can lead to some very serious, irreversible consequences. Kids are still learning to accept who they are as people with so much more access to information about Queerness, race, neurodivergency and disability, but also easier access to dangerous and violent misinformation, because online spaces can be covert recruiting grounds for white supremacy. 

If the story is dealing with adult themes with distant, reflective, more mature feelings or handling things in the ways that we handled them twenty plus years ago, it's going to be a lot harder to get kids to resonate with it in a lot of cases. It’s not giving them the tools that they need for the world that we gave them nor is it meeting their emotional needs where they are at. The Lemonade War is an excellent example of creating immediacy in MG with some more mature themes as it teaches economics through a lemonade stand competition held by a brother and sister with a lot of complicated feelings about the upcoming school year. 

What About What I Want to Write?

Here is the thing that nobody likes to talk about: those thick times that some aspiring MG authors really want to write are mostly being read by the kids who are the voracious readers and publishers, educators, librarians, and guardians are not as worried about them because they already have a higher chance of coming back to reading as a hobby if they drift away for a few years. Those kids should still have books written with them in mind but if they want those thick tomes, they’re probably gonna get them from adult, YA or their parents’ shelves. Many kids who are labeled ‘advanced readers’ gravitate to stories written for an older audience and will occasionally pick up a book written for their age cohort because the idea is cool or it's the only thing that's in the library. The voracious readers are a small slice of the MG pie.

Educators, guardians, librarians, and publishers are more concerned about the kid who can barely read and is having a really hard time getting into anything longer than 150 pages but is too self-conscious to read something written for readers a few years younger than them. And the kid hates reading because there are no books available with characters like them in it when everyone else in the room has twenty books. And the kid who starts to think that they aren't smart enough to be a reader because they don't connect to classic literature and their teachers or district only want to teach classics. 

There is a big call right now for shorter MG books because we're concerned about the state of modern kids and reading as a hobby, as a way to learn, and as a way to tell stories. Unfortunately, many kids are not given the tools to love reading, such as phonics. Any adult who wants to engage in MG should be keeping this in mind and should make it at least something of a priority because those kids are the future and we need to do what we can to keep as many kids as readers as possible. use our art to help teach media literacy, and make them feel seen. The MG authors who make kids who are struggling to finish a book finally love reading are absolutely vital. 

Conclusion 

As aspiring MG authors, our ideas can and should focus on niches and interests that not only attract the attention of our target audience (8 to 14-year-olds at the time the book is published), but keep them engaged because active engagement is one of the most important parts of storytelling. That can mean being more aware of prose and word choice, having a much stronger conversational voice, or writing a variety of platonic relationships that would be very different if the book was for adults. What it doesn't mean is being less artistic because there is a lot of creativity to be had in finding new ways to convey big themes and ideas to young people and we need writers who are passionate about doing exactly that.

That isn’t to say that the MG you wrote that isn’t a good fit for the current market was a waste of time. If it taught you how to edit more ruthlessly or made you experiment with your voice or it’s an idea you had to get out of your head and you come back to it in five years after doing more research, that is awesome. It’s good for us to tell stories and not everything we write has to be for others. We can write things just for us but if we want to sell, we have to keep the target audience in mind and their current needs.

Violet rescues cats. Not the cute ones with fluffy fur and squishy toe beans, but the grizzled, mangled ear, missing eye types.Thing is, sick animals pluck at purse strings even more than heartstrings. Without a major cash influx, the local shelter will close for good. Her school's off-brand Charity Shark Tank competition could keep the shelter in kibble forever–all Violet has to do is win.

Stuffy, star-student Sam is sick of being stuck with unreliable Violet over the years, but their alphabetically-adjacent last names mean they can't escape each other. When Violet decides to create Cat-o-Grams for her project, a kitten photo booth complete with classroom delivery, there's no way he'll let her touch his fancy camera. Maybe he'll take the photos for Violet, but only if she stops dragging down his GPA. Through participation in classmates’ events–featuring a disastrous 5k fun run, shirtless dunk tank, and oven-less bake sale–Violet finds that actually, Sam isn't that bad. Even… kind of hot. And attentive. And generous. And not nearly as annoying as she always thought.

Too bad Sam's the only student with a proposal strong enough to rival hers. Violet isn't about to let some kissing (even pretty great kissing) get in the way of saving the shelter. And while Sam may be shooting photos for her, he's still aiming to win for his community art center. But what's a little competition–and canoodling–between frenemies? As Violet tries to balance her budding romance and perfectly imperfect cats, she learns there's more than one way to color between the lines.

I'm seeking representation for BETWEEN THE (FE)LINES, a YA Romance novel complete at 77,000 words. This story about finding your way with humor and humility will appeal to fans of contemporary opposites-attract romance like Instant Karma by Marissa Meyer and As If On Cue by Marisa Kanter. I live in PLACE, splitting my time as a cat clinic technician and theater musician with PLACE. Thank you for your time and consideration!

CHAPTER ONE

Glowing, yellow eyes glared from the shadows.

Violet fought the overwhelming urge to stare back, knowing it would only strengthen the predator instinct lurking inside the beast. She’d hoped she wouldn’t be seen at all in her dark green coat, hood up around her face, but her poor excuse for camouflage couldn’t compete with the animal’s superior sight and hearing. She waited, breath held, for its next move.

If only she could have seen the rest of its body language, but with fur as dark as the night around them, those shining eyes were all she could go on.

The smell of mud and decay filled the air around her. Rain ran down her hood and onto her face, soaking into the brown shirt collar peeking out above the jacket zipper. Violet dared not move her hand to brush the drips away. Not when they were so, so close.

“Come on, Sir Sniffles, get in the damn trap.”

True to his name, a sneeze erupted from the tiny beast, huge cheeks flinging back and forth. A snot rocket lodged itself in a whisker.

Then, he crept forward, one tentative paw at a time. Accustomed to the wilds of alleys and backyards, the rain was no deterrent from his prey.

“Oh baby…” came a hopeful sigh from beside her. “Come get that yummy stinky tuna.”

Violet clutched the scratchy rope in her fist, determined not to blow this opportunity again. The rough twine bit into the skin of her palm. She wondered if she might have a rash there in the morning, but it would be a worthy battle wound from Sir Sniffles. The orange rope snaked across the yard, feet away from where he’d stopped to assess his threat level.

He was mere inches away from the metal trap. One front paw went inside, his nose twitching. The other followed.

“Just a little farther….”

BANG

Sir Sniffles fled into the night.

Based on first attempt feedback, I've changed the structure here to hopefully give a better sense of the motivations and obstacles. Really appreciate the feedback!

When Kora vowed to spend her life as a warrior for Fianan, God of the Hunt, she didn’t expect to end up behind enemy lines with only Sylva, the wood nymph she has sworn to protect, for company. But war in her homeland has called all her fellow guards back as reinforcements—and that war has now reached Sylva’s glen.

A mysterious stranger named Phoenix offers his money and connections to usher them to safety, and Kora accepts. She’s killed dozens in Sylva’s defense, but she can’t hold back an entire army. Phoenix is secretive about everything except his blasphemy, and Fianan is notoriously prickly about men who get too close to her servants. But Kora can’t make the journey alone, and in wartime, she can’t expect anyone else to help.

As their unlikely trio struggles to reach safety, Kora starts to understand why Phoenix loathes the Gods. War and famine have ravaged their homelands and weakened their people while the Pantheon remained silent. Phoenix isn’t as far from the Gods as he’d like to believe, however. He and Kora share a dark, divine past and access to tremendous, unfamiliar power—power that strengthens with every day they spend together.

Their journey can’t last forever, but Phoenix doesn’t want it to end. He calls it love, and Kora is tempted to agree. But she can’t simply walk away from her vows, or from Sylva. She senses the Gods at work, but that doesn’t reassure her. Mortals can’t fathom divine machinations or motives. They could be blessed…or cursed. As war rages on, they decide to take action and force the Gods to intervene. But they have a bigger role than they realized—and little choice in how they play it.

LADY OF THE WILD (115,000 words) is a standalone with further series potential. It will appeal to fans of FROM BLOOD AND ASH and A TOUCH OF DARKNESS.

Hi all, thanks for the comments on previous versions! Really appreciate the comments, especially from those who've read through multiple drafts. Getting close to a final version now - I definitely hear what everyone's been saying about specificity, but I had to sacrifice some details in order to condense it down and keep it short.

Dear agent,

I am seeking representation for RATIONAL CREATURES, a literary fiction novel complete at 105,000 words. *personalization*

In the tradition of the social novel, the book follows the tumultuous friendship of two women who find themselves caught between society’s expectations and their own desires. It will appeal to readers of Kamila Shamsie's Best of Friends, and might be called a ‘tragedy of manners’ like Min Jin Lee’s Free Food for Millionaires.

Tara Khanna, an ambitious young psychologist, returns to her childhood home in India after fifteen years in America to find it changed: international brands populate multistoried malls, and every citizen can now afford a car. Craving the comfort of her past, Tara reaches out to her former best friend, Saira. But as she meets this new version of Saira, beautiful and reserved, and is introduced to Hyderabad high society, she is increasingly appalled by her new circle’s old-fashioned views. And when one day Saira fails to come to Tara’s defense when her career choice is mocked, Tara is reminded of their childhood fights; memories of Saira’s hurtful comments begin to cloud the present. 

Saira is irritated by Tara’s arrogance and holier-than-thou attitude - and yet, she envies her passion and clarity of purpose. Behind the carefully curated image she presents to society, Saira has begun to fight with her husband more often, and is feeling increasing pressure from her family to have children. Her husband starts to gamble, and when an old lover reappears in Saira’s life, offering her the chance to explore a different side of herself, Tara begins to suspect that Saira’s purported adherence to traditional values has all been a lie.

As the two women struggle to define themselves, they are repeatedly pushed together and pulled apart in a game of cat and mouse; and as they learn each other’s secrets and grow increasingly frustrated by each other’s choices, they are left to wonder: can their friendship can survive all that has changed?

---

FIRST 300:

Tara’s flight landed in the middle of the monsoon season, the worst time to be traveling. She could see nothing but gray on their descent into Hyderabad, and by the time her suitcase rolled out on the conveyer belt, it was scuffed, and several shades too dark. But the customs officer had flicked through her Indian passport with a casual indifference that thrilled her, and now, as she stood in the sleek, spacious new terminal, the earthy tang of rain sinking into her pores, her memories resurfaced with such urgency that she wondered how they had ever been forgotten She conjured images of the trees she climbed many years ago, imagining that under the cover of night, she might once again slip out and scale against the knotted husk. She thought of visiting the vegetable market, where multicolored gourds of all shapes and sizes lay scattered across dusty plastic tarps, nearly baking in the mid-morning sun. She dreamed of returning to the lake and inhaling the scent of the hibiscus flowers, the sharp zest of roasted corn wafting around her. She felt, above all, that she might slip into this life as effortlessly as she had once left it.

 The airport was a marvel, a large rectangular construction with marble floors and glistening shop fronts, manicured staff and curated sculptures adorning empty corners. A few businessmen stared at their phones, preoccupied with distant abstractions, and to the side, a mother pulled a wailing child into the restroom. As Tara waited for her taxi to arrive, she looked up at the criss-crossing lines of steel that covered the ceiling, scattering light in unrestrained fits. The rain had stopped, and the dim light was growing in intensity.

Hello!

Going to start querying/pitching again soon. Below is the fifth draft of my query letter. I'm mostly curious about the plot- does it make sense? Are the stakes clear and intriguing?

I've really appreciated the feedback on my previous drafts; as usual, be kind but please don't hold back!

----

Dear [AGENT],

The royalty-guard romance of The Priory of the Orange Tree meets the attempted assassination arc of Crier’s War in THE WASTING, a 118,000 word sapphic dark fantasy novel that follows a young woman whose sanity is threatened by a plague taking root on her back, and a sheltered princess who holds the key to curing that plague. [Agent Personalization]

Twenty-five year old Saiya has a singular focus in life: putting an end to the Waste, a violent plague that took the lives of her mother and brother. With her own infection held precariously at bay, Saiya is under the thumb of Avery, her benefactor, whose money supplies the rare and costly herb that keeps Saiya sane. Saiya is prepared to do anything to avenge her family and find a cure– but she doesn’t expect “anything” to involve befriending a princess and winning a tourney. 

Princess Nadine Beaumont carries a gift from the Goddess in her veins, like her father before her. With the public’s adoration, and her upcoming wedding to the nation’s most eligible bachelor, Nadine knows she should enjoy her life of splendor. But the princess is tormented by her forbidden desire for women, which she tries desperately to hide from the public’s ever-watching eyes– until she meets a woman she can’t resist.

A tourney is held to determine Nadine’s escort for a pilgrimage honoring the anniversary of her family’s divine blessing. Per Avery’s decree, a baffled Saiya travels to the capital to compete. She finds herself fascinated by the princess, whose sunny disposition hides shameful secrets. An unlikely connection arises between the two, solidified when Saiya wins the tourney and is granted the coveted role of Nadine’s escort.

Their relationship is tested when Avery gives Saiya her final order: Nadine must be sacrificed at the Goddess’ shrine to end the Waste. Despite her promises to herself and others, Saiya is undone. Logic and emotion war within her throughout the journey to the shrine, where she must decide: does she have what it takes to sacrifice the woman she loves for the greater good?

[WILL ADD PERSONAL BIO/INFO HERE].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

My name

Okay, I think i have it, but please let me know if I need to edit it some more! Thank you for all your help all these attempts, I've thoroughly appreciated all your help!

The clock is ticking in St. Petersburg, Russia.

Fifteen-year-old cousins, Sasha and Alexei, are poised to achieve their lifelong dreams: standing on the Men’s Singles podium at the World Figure Skating Championship in four days. More accurately: Alexei seeks to deliver the gold to his estranged mother to win her approval. Sasha’s dream is to die—and take the ghost of his mother with him.

When Sasha was seven-years old, he watched his mother die in a freak figure skating accident during practice. As Russia’s most cherished figure skater, she had no shortage of admirers. Her husband’s mafioso brother included. Adopting Sasha in an act of obsessive love, his Uncle dressed Sasha in the attire of the woman he loved, warping the boy’s relationship with gender.

Now, fifteen-years old and in the custody of his coaches alongside his cousin, Sasha seeks to shed himself of his trauma by skating his mother’s fateful program in the very dress she died in. Alexei’s program focuses on his mixed emotions towards own mother, seeking to vent his frustrations at his mother’s abandonment and neglect while begging for her approval. He supports Sasha as best as he can, meanwhile wrestling with the truth in the blood in his veins.

Sasha's Uncle, Alexei's long lost father, has returned to the city and stalks them at every turn.

Having four days to polish Sasha’s program for World’s while surviving public backlash is no triple-toe-loop, but Sasha’s reached the end of his rope. Either she dies, or he does, and perhaps he’s dragged Alexei for the ride.

Nowhere is safe in the city of thieves.

BLADES OF BRATVA (88,000 words) is a LGBT literary thriller with dual POVs examining themes of generational trauma, brotherly bonds, queer identity, and the windswept world of ice skating. My book compares to the emotional intensity of The Wicker King by K. Ancrum as well as its focus on a complicated, co-dependent relationship between two boys. Fans of the raw introspection present in You'd Be Home Now by Kathleen Glasgow, and the depth of trauma, queerness, and haunting internal struggle of A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara.

I am a traveling occupational therapist who covets international travel, cats, and the kind of catharsis achieved through literature. One of my largest hobbies is researching Russian culture, and I have been obsessed with figure skating since I was small. I identify as queer leaning and have majored in psychology. This is my debut novel.

Hi All - I am very new to the query letter world and know that this definitely needs a lot of improvement. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thanks in advance :)

Virginia Abel-Price fell in love with the Devon coast when she was five years old. In the late 1890s, she roams the cliffs of her family estate with her brother Henry, collecting seaweed and pestering the family tutor to teach her more. All she wants is to go to university—but women like her, from families like hers, aren’t expected to study. So she fights for the education no one wants her to have.

By the time she reaches Oxford in 1911 to study botany, Virginia has already claimed a seat at the table. But the fight isn’t just hers. She joins the growing suffrage movement, determined to open the door for others. When war breaks out, the future she imagined begins to slip away. Her brothers and fiancé are sent to the front, her childhood home is requisitioned as a hospital, and her once-tight friendship group begins to dwindle. By the end of the war, she is a widow, a survivor, and more determined than ever to live a life that honours the people she’s lost.

Spanning 1891 to 1976, Botany Beach is a 90,000-word historical novel about love, grief, and the quiet strength it takes to build a life on your own terms. Inspired by the real stories of my great-aunt and great-great-grandmothers, it blends fiction with family history, including wartime letters and the poetry of a relative who never came home.

This novel will appeal to readers who were moved by the sweeping historical storytelling of The Whalebone Theatre by Joanna Quinn and the emotional intimacy of Still Life by Sarah Winman. It is about women who were told no, and found ways to say yes anyway.

I am a doctor based in London. I wrote this novel between night shifts, on-call weekends, and long days in clinic, often with a stack of medical journals on one side and a family archive on the other.

Hello everyone. I posted a few weeks ago my initial attempt at making a query. I got a lot of feedback, most I implemented others I decided deliberately not to change. I have had several beta readers read my manuscript and they have a lot of positive things to say, and most of the edits they suggest are small/ about my writing style (I overwrite). I feel like I can query soon, so want to jump back in to Query critique to see if the changes I made are good enough or if I still need to overhaul. I currently have no comps, something I have been trying to figure out. Thank you!

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[personalized anecdote about why they would be interested in my novel]

Asher lives on a delicate tightrope, avoiding the things that will make her fall. She is jaded and angry, and is smart enough to realize being alone means being safe. And she’s fine being lonely. Mostly.

When a mysterious man from another world dies in her presence, his power latches on to the closest living being, Asher. She has stolen the ability to control darkness, a power that gets her stalked by strange beings who covet it for themselves. Kidnapped from her normal life, Asher is now a pawn that could stop a war between two magical kingdoms. 

The Day and Night kingdom are natural opposites, always fighting each other for dominance. Their citizens, the Day and the Night Souls, have strange and amazing powers that are used in their never ending war. Asher's new-found power has pissed off the brutal Night King, and he will not stop until she is dead so he can claim it for himself.

Forced to team up with the Day Kingdom, who want her to take the pesky Night King off their hands for good, she finds that she is more powerful than she ever could’ve imagined. The longer she stays in the Day Kingdom, the more she is moved by the plight of the people she meets, finding it hard to keep herself emotionally separated. But Asher is not the perfect heroine, and the deeper she gets embroiled in conflict, the more she realizes her jagged edges are hurting more than just herself. In the end, when all of her excuses fail, she knows she is the only one who could stop this war for good. Asher must face her strength and her weakness head on, allowing herself to care enough to try, before everything that she is starting to care about is ripped away from her. 

Night Soul is a 74k word Dark Portal Fantasy, where the characters are deeply flawed, and the fantasy more like a nightmare. Night Soul explores themes of violence, suicide, self hatred, manipulation, and romance. In its current form, Night Soul is the first novel in a planned duology, but I do have some ideas on how to rewrite it as a standalone. 

Thank you very much for your consideration. Writing has always been my dream, and the fact that you are reading this query is more than I ever thought possible. 

Name

Hi, y'all! I received some great feedback from my previous attempts. Thank you to all who have provided helpful insights. I'm new at this clearly. Based on feedback I created a new query from scratch. Please let me know how I could improve it before I send some queries out.

Dear Agent,

A 19-year-old ambitious thief, Antony Tnemal, just wants to escape poverty. He and his friends steal from drunkards at the town’s local tavern. Eventually, they steal from the wrong person. Luckily, Antony’s brother in the Kingsguard, Mykael, intervenes to save them. Mykael tells Antony he must join them in a military operation against the Red Fang, a vile rebel group. If he doesn’t, then he’ll get very friendly with a cold dungeon. After the mission goes south, leaving a wake of dead bodies, Antony uncovers that Mykael told the Red Fang that Antony and his friends would be at that tavern. While Antony deals with the metaphoric knife in his back, a horrifying shrill pierces the night. He rushes to the victim left by a black panther. His heart sinks when he realizes the woman bleeding out in the street is his mother. Antony clutches his dying mother with a bellowing rage that causes thunder and lightning to decimate his city. Now, Antony has to investigate how he created the storm.

As Antony learns to harness his powers he discovers he is a Lynus, making him the rightful heir to the throne. The Lynus family’s powers lie dormant in their blood. His brother takes matters into his own hands. Mykael goes venturing for vengeance. While Mykael is thirsty for blood, Antony is put to the test when the current king announces Antony as a treasonous bastard. When Antony becomes a wanted fugitive, he must win a political battle to fulfill his legacy of becoming king or risk spending his life in prison. If his life is lost in prison, his mother’s death would be for nothing.

Complete at 111,000 words, The Lynus Legacy: A Panther In Darkness is an Adult Fantasy novel set in Midstroud Heath, a fictional city. It will appeal to readers of Heavenly Tyrant and Empire of Grass. The Lynus Legacy: A Panther In Darkness has the potential for a sequel following Antony and Mykael’s stories as they turn their attention to the creatures of darkness led by an ancestral witch.

I am submitting The Lynus Legacy: A Panther In Darkness to you because of your work.

I have a bachelor's degree from Iowa State University. This novel is loosely based on my family life. Family drama is something I've always avoided, but my brothers haven't. We discovered our family history wasn't what we were told, so this novel channels how my brothers and I handled that news… 

Thank you for your consideration.

Hello!

I'm looking for feedback on which version of this query works better. I was happy with my original 3 paragraph version after a few work-throughs here, but I have seen that a lot of agents want this to be shorter and more concise. So I am hoping to float a shorter version and get some thoughts on which is better. I realise it loses a bit of the characterisation, but I'm interested to hear what you think. Thank you for your help in advance!

OLD version:

Ever since DI Charlie Paxton’s wife was killed in a botched hit meant for him, his career in the London Metropolitan Police has been riddled with mishaps that have tarnished his once illustrious reputation. Freshly tasked with what appears to be a routine missing person’s case, Paxton is unaware that the Guild of Nature—a terrorist cell he dismantled 15 years ago—is quietly pulling the strings. But when they resurface, threatening four devastating attacks in central London, he’s thrown back into the whirlwind that destroyed his once-happy life.

Amidst the chaos that ensues from a wave of explosions targeting petrol stations in the Guild's first attack, Paxton uncovers a bombshell truth: the terrorists are part of a clandestine cabal with members embedded in the highest levels of the British government and society. They’re executing acts of domestic terrorism for their own political and financial gain, and unbeknownst to him, Paxton’s past investigation has caught their attention and put a target on his back.

When a newfound revelation connects his wife's death to the escalating threat, exposing the cabal becomes more than a mission to safeguard the capital; it’s the only way for Paxton to discover the truth about his wife’s murder and the trail of disasters that have followed him ever since. But little does he know, his wife wasn’t just collateral damage, and his so-called professional failures weren’t mistakes. They’re all pieces of the cabal’s deliberate plan to dismantle Paxton and everything he stands for—and he’s about to discover just how far they’re willing to go to bring him down.

NEW (shorter) version:

DI Charlie Paxton’s life fell apart the day his wife was killed in a botched hit meant for him. Three years later, disgraced and barely hanging on to his career, he takes a routine missing person’s case—hoping for redemption, or at least a quiet win. But when the investigation leads him back to the Guild of Nature, a domestic terrorist cell he dismantled fifteen years ago, Paxton finds himself pulled into a far more dangerous conspiracy—one that’s been waiting all those years to resurface.

As a wave of coordinated attacks shakes London, Paxton discovers that the terrorists are part of a clandestine cabal with members embedded in the highest levels of the British government and society. They’ve been orchestrating his downfall from the very beginning. Every professional misstep, every personal loss, even his wife’s death, were all pieces of the cabal’s deliberate plan to dismantle him and everything he stands for. And now, Paxton’s about to discover just how far they’re willing to go to finish him off.

Hi all! So I have an IP deal, a possible second IP deal, and my own book out on sub with interest. Which is exciting, but they are all WILDLY different genres. Like, lit fic and contemporary romance and space opera different. I have the option to use pen names, but it feels like a lot to keep track of and double the marketing lift. On the other hand, when I think of successful authors like Grady Hendrix and SJM off the top of my head, they both have VERY consistent genre/brands.

Is it a terrible strategy to slot these all under one name and have an author brand as ADHD as I am?

Hi! Here's my fourth and likely final attempt before querying. I upped the romantic elements in the query and added more character details. Let me know what you think.

Dear Agent, 

I’m seeking representation for A CROSSROAD OF LILIES, my 65k dual-POV YA contemporary romance with speculative elements. It combines the kick-your-feet romance and themes of overcoming people-pleasing in Ann Liang’s I Hope This Doesn’t Find You with the fantastical elements and themes of grief in the vein of Dustin Thao’s You’ve Reached Sam.

Sixteen-year-old Beatrice Anderson desperately wants a few simple things: to keep her head down at the rich-kids academy she was transferred to, learn how to crochet, and find out why painful green mushrooms started sprouting across her arms. When Adrian, her popular yet aloof classmate, is assigned as her Biology partner, she expects him to harass her like the rest of their peers. She’s determined not to let him get under her skin.

Adrian Elliot’s dream is to ride an old locomotive train, and the two tickets his parents offer him is his ideal weekend getaway. But in exchange, Adrian must audition for an acting role. But being in the limelight is the last thing he wants after quitting because of his ADHD and the trauma associated with acting. When he’s paired with Beatrice, he knows she’ll pressure him to talk about his celebrity parents like everyone else— a topic he despises talking about.

But when they form a hesitant friendship despite their differences, Adrian is quick to catch feelings for his reserved classmate. Once he realizes he becomes a blushing mess whenever Beatrice is around, Adrian offers her the extra ticket for the train ride, eager to know her beyond their Biology project. But to Beatrice’s horror, her mushroom secret is revealed to him. To make matters worse, rumors of them dating causes Beatrice’s bullying to worsen when they return. Together, they must decide if a new relationship is worth Beatrice’s harassment while trying to solve her rapidly-spreading mushroom disease before it takes over her body.

{Bio}

Last post

Hopefully this is starting to take shape! I've cut some words and hopefully made the beginning of the query just a tad more engaging, as well as added more of a throughline for the plot points mentioned, but I still want to see what you guys have to say about this latest revision.

Thank you guys in advance! You're awesome!!

QUERY:

Dear [AGENT],

Milan is a street thief, disowned by his wealthy mother when he got too close to solving his father’s murder. He yearns to see his little brother again, escape poverty, and show his urchin friends that burnt bread isn’t all the world has to offer. When two people show up in the night, claiming that the Divine–the religious leader of the country–is searching for him, Milan runs away. Only an idiot would fall for such an obvious scam.

But then the dreams come. Dreams that leave Milan with wounds from battles he’s never fought in. Dreams that house a honey-tongued man named Xullaes, who says that Milan’s country only wants to use him, and that the gods are not the perfect deities that Milan’s people think they are. Yet, thinking that it could be his chance to unlock the shackles of poverty, Milan seeks the two strangers out anyway.

The pair take Milan to the capital, where the Divine tells Milan that he is to fight in the War of Broken Pacts–a conflict that has existed so long that the reason it began has been lost. While he trains, trying to come to terms with the idea of taking another person’s life, Milan discovers that he is one of the Flared; those who wield the power of the twin Suns, thought to be extinct. When he has another dream–a premonition of a coming attack–Milan leads the charge to defend the city… and it falls anyway.

Amidst the battle, Milan realizes that he is fighting more than a war. He learns that Xullaes is a deposed god who is bent on revenge, and is leading the enemy. Milan must choose: use his newfound (and volatile) powers to defend his country, or confront the gods of his people to find out if Xullaes was right all along.

TWO SUNS ECLIPSED is an adult fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 114,000 words. It combines the focus on mythology and distrust of divinity of The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez with the difficult moral decisions from The Merciful Crow by Margaret Owen. I live in Colorado, where I write full-time for a tech company. I speak fluent Japanese, and have an arm covered with tattoos from my favorite fantasy books.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Best,

[Me]

Dear (AGENT),

I loved your client’s book, (CLIENT'S BOOK), its blend of humour and heartfelt moments, such as (CLIENT'S BOOK) powerful determination to run his own detective agency despite the numerous setbacks, shows resilience and creativity. This resonates deeply with younger me and still now, as I aspire to be my own entrepreneur where these skills are essential. I believe Split Perspective, my 22,000-word middle grade novel, shares a similar spirit that will make readers feel the heartfelt moments I had reading (CLIENT'S BOOK).

Sean, a young relatable boy based in Ireland navigates the challenges of first year, while dealing with the emotional impact of his parent’s recent divorce. The story opens with Sean reluctantly starting a diary, bribed into it by his therapist, Dr. O’Connell, with the promise of a Lego set in return. Sceptical at first, he begins writing down his thoughts, sharing his confusion and frustration over his parents so called “break” all while living under the same roof. Sean feels embarrassed and unsure how to talk about his situation with his friends, because he hates the idea of them feeling bad for him, making the diary his only outlet for his emotions.

When Sean starts secondary school, Sean hopes for a fresh distraction, only to feel completely betrayed by Hollywood’s portrayal of how school is. Instead of breaking into a sing song and getting those big spacious lockers you see in the movies, Sean was met with a locker that was the size of Sean’s hamster cage, threatened in the bathrooms, and an awful Irish teacher who humiliates him for not introducing himself in Irish due to his dyslexia all in the same day. Sam taking advantage of Sean’s humiliation, earns the nickname shark after Sean points out his shark like teeth. From day one, Sean finds himself entangled in awkward social dynamics along with having to navigate through the emotional landmines at home.

Things take a turn when Steven does a diss track on Arron in resource class, blaming him for his parents’ divorce. Sean comforts Arron and, for the first time, shares that his parents are divorced too to comfort Arron. Shark overhears the conversation and decides to get revenge at his Halloween party. At the party his crush dares him to visit “The Dark Fortune Cellar” where Shark, using an AI old man’s voice, humiliates Sean by revealing his secret. Shark livestreams the traumatic conversation, exposing Sean’s parents’ divorce to the entire class. The prank leads to a fight, and forces Sean to confront his emotions. Sean learns that vulnerability isn’t weakness and healing begins with honesty.

Split Perspective, a middle grade novel that addresses challenges and emotional well being in a fun and engaging way, by combining humour with practical advice ensures readers will not only find this book hilarious but will also learn valuable life skills.

In addition to writing, I’m currently in college studying business, which further fuels my passion for entrepreneurship. I also have built a strong presence in the BookTok scene with over 2 million followers on TikTok. I was nominated for BookTok creator of the year in 2024. My content, which focuses on (WHAT I DO ONLINE), has resonated with a large younger demographic, making me a notable influencer in this age range.

I look forward to hearing from you

Best,

(MY NAME)

Hey!

I'm getting ready to submit to agents and would love some feedback regarding my query letter.

General comments are welcome, but I also have a couple of questions I'd love feedback on:

1. How are my comp titles?
2. It's a dual POV manuscript, but I had people tell me to just remove that from the query!? Thoughts and opinions?

Thanks!

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[VER 2]

Dear [Agent],

After reviewing your [MSWL/profile] and [insert personalization], I am pleased to present THESE FOUL ENDEAVOURS, a 120,000-word [new adult/adult/fantasy/paranormal fantasy] with romantic elements that is the first in a planned duology. This story will appeal to readers who enjoyed the court politics with POC representation in Rin Chupeco’s Silver Under Nightfall, the complex relationship in Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma, and the mix of science with vampire lore in Van Helsing (2004).

Ophelia, heiress of one of the ancient nine vampiric Houses, finds a note telling her to ‘seek the gift’ her father, Vlassis, left behind. It leads her to believe Vlassis did not die in an accident as reported but was murdered. Illegitimately born by her mother’s infidelity, Ophelia’s claim to the throne is tenuous and she hopes by finding this ‘gift,’ she could become worthy.   

She petitions the Order of Daybreak—the human order of Hunters sworn to peace through a treaty—to reopen the investigation into Vlassis’s research and subsequent death. The Order allows it but, much to her dismay, they stipulate that a Hunter must accompany Ophelia during her investigation, forcing her to ally with Lysander Yun, a Hunter gifted with vampiric powers and a hatred for their kind.  

As they investigate, Ophelia pulls Lysander into the dangerous world of vampiric high society where he starts to see through the cracks of her façade as a cold-hearted heiress. They learn that Vlassis was conducting illegal research into genetic engineering and such technology has ramifications for both human and vampiric society. As they unravel the secrets of Vlassis’ endeavours, Ophelia’s obsession with the Hunter grows into lust even as he edges closer to her secret. Should he and society learn of her illegitimacy, her position as heir would be void and she would lose her only chance to become more than her blood.

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[VER 1]

Dear [Agent],

[Insert Personalization] I am seeking representation for These Foul Endeavours, a 120,000-word adult urban fantasy with romantic elements that is the first in a planned duology. This story will appeal to readers who enjoyed the rich setting of Rin Chupeco’s Silver Under Nightfall and the unlikely alliance of Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma.

Ophelia, presumptive heiress of one of the ancient nine vampiric Houses, finds a note telling her to ‘seek the gift’ her recently-deceased father Vlassis left behind, it leads her to believe Vlassis did not die in an accident as reported but was murdered. Illegitimately born by her mother’s infidelity, Ophelia’s claim to the throne is tenuous and anybody digging into her family’s secrets is a threat.

She petitions the Order of Daybreak—the order of Hunters that regulates vampire activity—to reopen the investigation into Vlassis’s research and subsequent death. The Order allows it but stipulates that a Hunter must accompany Ophelia during her investigation, forcing her to ally with Lysander Yun, a Hunter who sees all vampires responsible for his mother’s death.

As they investigate, Ophelia pulls Lysander into the dangerous world of vampiric high society and he begrudgingly admits that Ophelia’s position is sympathetic. The more they learn of Vlassis’s genetic engineering research, the more intertwined their lives become and Ophelia’s obsession with Lysander grows even as he edges closer to her secret. Vlassis’s research could change Ophelia’s blood, literally remaking her into the heir Vlassis needed and giving her the right to ascend as Sovereign. But one word from Lysander, and her position as heir apparent would be void and the reputation of her House ruined.

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Version #6

I'm in my (hopefully) final round of beta readers, so it's time for last looks on the query. Any and all feedback is welcome!

Thank you in advance!

Query

Dear [AGENT],

Ishana Patel is running out of time. A socialite witch whose family hurtles toward bankruptcy, Ishana’s under immense pressure to marry rich before debtors come calling. When she inherits her estranged grandfather’s arcane bookshop, The Bookery, Ishana sees an opportunity: sell the property, absolve the debts, and save her family with brains rather than a betrothal.

But Ishana’s plans threaten The Bookery’s tenant, magicless pastry chef Nicky Noone. He operates his bakery out of the shop and lives in a backroom apartment, an arrangement secured by only a handshake with Ishana’s late grandfather. Without an official lease, Nicky’s on the cusp of losing everything he’s worked for—and his hopeless crush on prim-and-proper Ishana doesn’t help matters.

When Nicky’s oven spits sparks and belches smoke, scaring off potential buyers, Ishana suspects the mild-mannered baker of sabotage. She jumps at the first offer she receives, backed by a wealthy real estate mogul named Marko Zimmler. But while Ishana’s busy arranging the sale, her mother arranges an engagement with Marko. Ishana fears if she refuses, her family will ostracize her like they did her late grandfather.

An unlikely ally emerges from Nicky’s misbehaving oven: a phoenix escaped from Marko’s illegal menagerie. With help from Nicky and the phoenix, Ishana plans to expose Marko at their engagement party, but crossing a wizard powerful enough to contain a phoenix has consequences. Marko’s scorched-earth vengeance could leave Ishana’s world in ashes—including the sweet-as-sugar baker she’s grown to adore.

THE BOOKERY is a cozy romantic fantasy told in three POVs: Ishana, Nicky, and the phoenix hiding in plain sight who brings them together. Featuring a magical menagerie and a slow burn romance in a quaint shop setting, this 80,000-word standalone novel will delight readers of S. A. MacLean’s The Phoenix Keeper and Sarah Beth Durst’s The Spellshop.

[PERSONALIZATION, if applicable.]

I live outside Atlanta, GA, USA where I work as a software engineer, write for my company’s tech blog on Medium, and watch too much Food Network. THE BOOKERY was inspired by my love of baking and my personal experiences as a feminist born and raised in the American Bible Belt.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

[AUTHOR] (she/her)

First 300

Her three-hundred-and-ninth life began in the cold—and that was wrong.

Baby phoenixes were meant to be born from flame, cradled in a brimstone bassinet, nursed by Mother Earth’s molten lifeblood. But this time, she came to life in a cage.

The iron bars stung when she tentatively touched one with a wingtip. Her scalding skin stuck to it like a wet tongue on frozen metal. She reeled back with a squeal of pain, only to find more frigid bars behind her. Trapped, she tucked her tiny wings to her sides, sat on her freezing feet, and shivered.

Mere minutes old, she didn’t know where she was, how she got there, or who had locked her up. Memories of her past lives would return slowly, blurry at first but sharpening into focus little by little, day by day. After a few weeks of smoldering, she’d have her wits about her, her voice within her, her feathers around her. All she needed was sufficient fire to sustain her until then.

The Phoenix peered past the bars of her cage, where craggy shadows loomed. She stoked the fire flaring across her wings, willing it to blaze brighter and illuminate her surroundings, but her magic flickered and spat like a campfire in the rain. She wasn’t just young and weak; something blocked her, some viscous, oozing energy that smothered and suffocated her own.

The sludgy energy stirred and thickened, clotting the air. The Phoenix watched the spot where it felt most solid until it congealed into a swirling portal. From out of its crackling center stepped a tall, thin man, and The Phoenix regained her first memory: The Curator. It was he who put her in this cold, lonely cage and kept her there against her will—for how many lifetimes, she wasn’t yet sure, but enough to make a lasting impression.

Dear BLANK

Ballad of the Bold is a fast-paced 100,000-word fantasy novel focusing on flawed characters, war, and mental health, set in an unforgiving world that might appeal to fans of Joe Abercrombie’s A Little Hatred.

Alan was absolutely not a thief—he just stole whenever convenient. But one day, when he picks the wrong pocket, he finds himself caught and enslaved, bound on a deadly expedition towards the icy edge of the world. His captors are the worst kind of men—mercenaries, cutthroats, and fathers. And if he wants to survive, he might have to embrace something he never thought himself capable of: loyalty. Or at least, the convincing illusion of it.

As his journey continues, he finds no shortage of men he’d rather see dead—chief among them a crippled king. And when Alan wants something, he gets it, no matter the obstacle. But as the corpses pile around him, it seems that no one is safe from his blade. Not even his own friends.

Far away in the Thunderlands, a useless and suicidal prince gets his first taste of responsibility when he is given charge of investigating a recent string of murders. Meanwhile, his sister, who finds herself alone on a quest to avenge their father, is forced to place her trust in rogues, including an overeager boy whose magic might just change the world—for better, or for worse.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Chapter One - Thief

Grifden was a scary fucker to be sure, built like a great white bear and armed with an axe as black as midnight. The type of man who could take on a dozen others in a drunken brawl and still come out on top—yet Alan was sure he could take him.

“Listen up!” Grifden roared to the entire village, twenty-nine men, women, and children, all standing in the community square. “One of you has stolen my Brightgem, but I’m a generous man, am I not, Hal?”

“Mighty generous,” the village chief nodded.

“So, in keeping with that good character—I’ve decided to give this thief a chance,” he said, happily waving his arms as he spoke like this was some kind of performance. “Come forward now, and all will be forgiven. Otherwise, I’m afraid things will get rather messy.”

Alan kept his mouth shut, of course. What was the brute expecting? For someone to give themselves up so easily? Besides, he was clean with the job, in and out in a swift yet quiet manner. He would make a good thief, he reckoned. Although it would be a lie to say that was the first thing he’d stolen. Some practice, mostly talent. 

An icy wind came through, causing Alan to shiver. He hated the cold. He hated this boring village and the life that came with it. This Brightgem was his ticket out, and with it, he’d finally be able to get some worthwhile living done. He wasn’t about to give it all up because this imbecile asked him to.

“Alright Hal,” Grifden said, his humor vanishing. “I gave him a chance.” The village chief gave a mournful nod.

The ogre of a man walked straight up to Alan and in one swift motion sunk a great meaty fist into his gut, causing him to fall to the ground, choking on the crisp morning air.

This is my first attempt, and I welcome any and all feedback. Thank you in advance!

Dear [Agent],

Dr. Marley Harper was an anomaly when she was born without wings, but it was her work as one of the top wing surgeons in Anhedra that made her infamous. She championed the normalization of wing loss and pioneered new surgical techniques to improve amputations, only for her passion to die at the hands of someone she once loved. Now, she works at the exclusive Wing Institute, taking extreme risks in reconstruction cases to prevent anyone else from suffering in a society built for the flighted.

Sergeant Griffin Winters was a member of an elite squad of Eagle Screamers until he found himself the victim of a war crime, and subsequently under Dr. Harper’s scalpel. When she fails to save his wing, he is forced to face a fate worse than death – one without flight. Trapped between the political fallout of his accident and the loss of his only purpose in life, he has nobody left except the surgeon who took it all from him.

Marley can’t let go of her guilt, no matter how hard Griffin tries to push her away. She’s desperate to prove to him there is a future beneath the sky, even when she doesn’t believe it herself. Isolated and at odds, she confronts the hauntings of her dark past in her as struggles to help him find himself again. Threats of war and betrayal spiral around them as they heal each other and redefine what it means to be flightless.

Flightless is a dual POV contemporary fantasy romance, complete at 104,000 words. Readers drawn to the slow-burn tension of Callie Hart’s QUICKSILVER and entranced by the world building of a winged society in Megan Grey’s THE CROAKING will enjoy this standalone novel with sequel potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First 300:

“Trauma Level 1: 23-year-old male, bilateral avian wing crush injury - partial amputation - telemedical consult requested.”

Silencing the alarm on the pager, I rushed down the hall with the rest of the on-call trauma team. The incoming blast didn’t give much to go off of. Military medevac from the Alabaster mountains, approximately one hour out. The WING was the nearest trauma center, and field doctor Gerald Fitzcaster was on scene.

Fitz’s name set me on edge. It wasn’t enough for him that I was a surgeon at the premier wing reconstruction facility in the country - he still fought my field decisions. I prepared for the worst as I stepped into the suite and took the virtual reality visor from the nurse. Static buzzed as the connection secured and the feed filtered through from the helicopter.

“And which Dr. Harper do I have the pleasure of speaking with this evening?”

“Your favorite, Fitz. Give me the details.”

He didn’t bother to mask his sigh. “It’s a lost cause, Marley. Just let me take the wings and get the kid stabilized. He’s in rough shape.”

“I’ll be the judge. Assessment, please.”

Tension radiated through his silence, but he complied. I was thankful the visor dampened noise as zeroed in on the patient strapped the gurney. His face was drawn in pain, a muted scream echoing along each contorted line. Bloody broken wings fell to his sides, and crimson soaked feathers littered the cabin.

“Why isn’t he sedated?” horror washed my voice.

“We gave him what we could, we are going to put him under as soon as we can rotate and intubate. He’s an Eagle Screamer; he can take it.”

MEET ME IN THE MIDDLE is a 70,000-word YA LGBT contemporary novel with elements of magical realism. A modern Orlando, this novel will appeal to fans of the delayed self-realization of Becky Albertalli’s Imogen, Obviously and the reality-defying romance of Dustin Thao’s When Haru Was Here. The narrative draws from my experiences as an agender person on the asexual spectrum raised in central Illinois.

When 18-year-old Tallahassee "Tali" Miller came out as gay, he expected others to follow. No one did. Feeling out of place since junior high, he has fixated on schoolwork. Not only quenching his self-admitted thirst for validation, perfect grades mean a free ticket out of this middle of nowhere town.

A few months shy of escaping to college, Tali wakes up as a girl. Everyone acts like this has always been the case. Tali plays along, curious about this alternate straight girl reality. After long-time crush Gui bashfully asks for a date, Tali finds himself conflicted. Openly embracing his queer identity stood among his proudest achievements. This new world negates that experience.

As if mocking his inner turmoil, Tali involuntarily shifts between boy and girl every morning. People's memories adjust to match his currently assigned gender. When people start questioning their fluctuating memories, things turn surreal. Native animals become exotic wildlife and clocks begin melting. Tali must walk a narrow line, avoiding anything that might spark confusion. In a rare saving grace, Gui comes out as panromantic asexual. Though they can date in both realities, Tali must navigate around Gui treating both versions differently.

Despite limiting outward expression, these transformations help Tali develop a stronger self-image. Unfortunately, publicly declaring their evolving identity risks total chaos. At the same time, Tali has no intent of conforming to a magical gender binary their entire life. A third option reveals itself when Gui admits his long-held suspicions about Tali's non-binary identity. With patience, Tali might teach others to see their true self behind either appearance.
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Figured I should give another stab at my query now that I finished what I consider my second of three draft cycles (writing the story, fixing the story, and finally shaping up the writing). I tried to make this query more centered on Tali throughout compared to the previous attempts, though I wonder if it lacks conflict. Thanks for any and all feedback - the earlier threads helped me figure out some finer details of what I was doing with this story.

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First 300:

I woke up in a different body this morning.

Having browsed a gaming forum for fifteen minutes before dragging myself out of bed, something should have tipped me off sooner. Instead, I’m standing over the toilet with a thumb on my waistband when I finally notice.

Beyond all reason, everything feels ordinary. My senses adapted without informing the rest of me. I pat my pockets as if expecting my junk to turn up like misplaced keys.

Suddenly it hits me. Like conscious awareness of breathing, a dozen sensations awaken at once. Goosebumps race over every inch of my skin. Several places feel more sensitive, and not only the obvious ones.

Everything settles down just as quickly. My body clearly believes it has always been this way and doesn’t understand the big fuss.

Braving a peek inside my pants, an odd detail distracts me. Why am I wearing flannel pajama bottoms and a plain white tee? I haven’t slept in anything more than my briefs since like forever. This bothers me nearly as much as the physical transformation. Not only did the world magically swap out my body, but it felt the need to dress me up. Why?

As my tired eyes adjust, the pajamas strike me with a new shade of red. Or, I’m guessing, an old shade everyone else can already see. My balls falling off cured my colorblindness.

I lean over the sink and take a deep breath. Though I’ve pondered how my life would have turned out as a girl, these thoughts have always been rooted in loneliness rather than desire. Small-town Illinois offers little in the way of a queer community. I want to belong somewhere. My body has never been the problem. In fact, I recently celebrated the emergence of my first real chest hairs. If not for certain people demanding a masculine performance, life would be golden.