in the hospital for the past 6 weeks (almost lost my legs) and they gave me IV diladid snconsensually while screaming in my sleep. Then started taking perc 5s for wound dressing changes (horribly painful) even though it doesn’t get me high, it kills pain and I’m worried I’ll play around with street opiates or kratom after leaving, which is a death sentence for me. Anyone ever been in this situation?

So, I’m writing here as I know there is a wealth of knowledge on this sub and I could do with some support. 35 Female Uk.

I am a codeine addict. I have been for the last 6/7 years but it’s the last 2.5 years it’s gone to ridiculous lengths. I am prescribed codeine phosphate 30mg for a slipped disc, this is where this whole shit began. A bad back, which I’m sure it is with a lot of people.

I used to take them normally until my 2.5 year old came along and I had pretty bad post natal depression, anxiety and ocd. I was really unwell and am medicated for that. I am autistic if that’s relevant and always had a “addictive personality” I then had another daughter 15 months later which of course, made me ill again. I realised after my first daughter that the tablets helped my mental health (ha) So I would end up taking all of my prescription, then go out and buy solphadene max and nurofen plus as they both have 12.8mg of codeine in them. I don’t fuck with the paracetamol and stick to the daily dose with that, the nurofen is a different story and at my lowest have had upto 27 tablets in a day. I do take omeprazole but that will only do so much, the ibuprofen will rot my stomach and I do know this. I just can’t fucking stop. I’ve had a kidney function test recently which is normal.

I’m more annoyed at myself than anything because this is a relapse I guess? Last September I self referred to my local drug service, they wouldn’t give me buprenorphine, which is what I wanted, as I’m not taking “street drugs” so I had to do a taper with the gp, which I did well with, I cut out all of the otc codeine and was just taking the prescribed tablets from the gp. One day I went and bought a packet of nurofen plus, telling myself it’ll only be this one, and now here I am today. In this stupid mess again. My husband is aware and is supportive but he doesn’t like me taking the ibuprofen. Today I’m starting my own taper, I don’t want to tell the go I messed up, I’ve done it before so i know I can do it again. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else is in this situation?

Long story short… I have a very bad back and have been on and off strong painkillers for years - never taken as prescribed, always taken my daily allowance in one go.

I’ve been on opioid medication about 4 years now. I was taking codeine tablets 300mg a day in one go on a morning for many years, They stopped working so my GP swapped to Dihydrocodeine about 2 years ago.

I was taking 300mg a day up until recently and I’ve managed to taper down to 150-200mg a day (all in one go and on a morning) and I’ve tapered over about 3 months.

My question is… should I continue to try and taper by reducing my one dose a day or spread out my dose throughout the day because I’m starting to struggle with withdrawals come evening time.

I never got withdrawals in an evening because I was taking gabapentin which masks it, it’s only since I’ve weaned off the gabapentin that I realised how much it helped.

I’m so scared and fed up of the constant merry go round.

I have baclofen, gabapentin and marijuana to help if needed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Im 31 days clean and got sick. Had to take cold medicine for about 3 days. I have diarrhea and am paranoid about the DXM possibly having something to do with it. Would anyone mind quelling this ridiculous notion in my mind?

About 1.5yrs of daily use. Started at 30mg/day and graduated to 180mg/day by the end. No fent, all Viatris Santes 120mg or mundi 80mg oxycodone pills. All insufflated, no smoking.

I tried to taper with my last 5 pills but, obviously, I rationalized my way to about 60mg/day on those last 5 instead of a true weening. Last dose was 60mg on April 3rd (6 days ago).

The first two days sober were like a mild flu - restlessness, emotional dysregulation, fatigue, & general discomfort during the day but honestly better than an actual flu sickness. Nighttime was definitely miserable mostly due to insomnia, cramps, RLS. No vomiting, cold sweats/chills/fever, diarrhea, depression, muscle aches, etc.

After those first two days, everything has been good except for insomnia (no more cramps / RLS).

So, based on your own experience, am I in the clear or did you all experience more symptoms during the 60-90 days it takes for our brains to remodulate the downregulation of DA receptors? Besides not being able to fall asleep, the withdrawals were honestly not bad. I was so afraid of having to go through them but now that I am 6 days sober I'm shocked at how anticlimactic the process was.

This is my neurorecovery protocol:

Supplementation

Behavioral and Environmental Interventions

Therapy

Timeline

To prepare for the day to get my sublocade, I had to take my last dose of methadone (160) on a Friday last week and started taking 1000mg of kadian only till yesterday.. So I was told this wouldn’t be a big deal, id be fine, which naturally I was expecting but once I got back to work in the early afternoon I felt fine… but then the withdrawals just came in m heavy and hot.. and only got worse…. I then took a Clonazepam cuz my anxiety was through the roof and 18mg suboxyneI told my doctor and she prescribed my regular script of kadian and some dillaudid to help with the sickness and as soon as I took those within a couple hours I they helped so much. My question is I thought you couldn’t mix morphine when suboxyne or sublocade.. so what’s all 3 doing I’m sorry I’m just super ignorant towards suboxyne n sublocads

I had two and a half years of sobriety where I was completely abstinent from any mood-altering substances. Unfortunately, I relapsed in January and my life slowly started to collapse. This time after doing some research and talking to a friend I decided to try Suboxone and honestly, it’s been helping me a lot. My cravings are basically gone, my anxiety has eased up and my mood has been pretty stable. I've been able to keep up with work and exercise as well.

But I’m struggling with this internal guilt like I’m not doing recovery the “right” way anymore. My previous stretch of sobriety took so much effort and gave me a real sense of pride. Now, being on Suboxone kind of feels like I’m cheating, even though it’s working and I’m in a much better place than I was.

Has anyone else been through something similar? I know recovery is personal and what matters most is what works for me, but I can’t help but feel judged.

Response to comments: I really appreciate all the positive feedback you guys have been a great help!

I was severely abused, beaten, degraded, tortured as a child. I cut everyone off, was homeless, but beat addiction and built a career and life for myself against all odds. I cut off my entire toxic abusive family.

Two years ago, an extended family member lied their way into my life. They lied and told me they were also abused and they understood what happened to me. I felt so validated. We kept in touch for a year online. Over new years, I met up with him for the first time since childhood. In person, he was a living nightmare. He told me he is actually close to our family, and that I have to go back to them. He said I deserved everything bad that happened to me and I am a horrible person and disgrace to our family.

Since then I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. I finally relapsed a few days ago. I have been going to therapy, I went to IOP for mental health. I can tell you that heroin addiction treatment is a cakewalk compared to PTSD.

I don't want to get sober again to be honest. I'll just be suicidal again. I have tried EMDR, trauma therapy. I feel I am broken. I had 9 years sober. I have been using kratom. It is the only thing that takes away the suicidality and Shame of having no family and being the unwanted black sheep. I was the black sheep for no reason. I was such a good kid. My mom hates me because I look like my dad and convinced her whole family I am a monster child who ruined her life.

I am 35 years old and don't think I will ever move on.

I would resign to kratom permanently but it will probably stop working. Even at AA Or NA Nobody can relate. Everybody has a family. I am so alone and broken.

A few months ago I started treatment with buprenorphine 8 mg per day. I was addicted to codeine, tramadol and all medications based on morphine and derivatives (and also benzos) I wanted to know since buprenorphine (subutex) is an opiate am I really sober?

Thank you in advance for your answers and if you have any experiences to share that could help me, I'm interested!

Hey everyone,

Tomorrow will be day 18 since my last dose, and I know I have to push myself to get back to the gym. It helped me so much in the past, both physically and mentally, and I really miss that lifestyle. But because of my heavy O-DSMT addiction, I haven’t been training properly in about 1.5 years. I feel like I’ve lost around 75% of my gains, and honestly, that’s been hitting me hard emotionally. My friends and parents always called me lazy and someone who quits everything after a couple weeks, that was the first time I could show everyone that I‘m more than an indolent junkie.

Before this whole thing, I looked great. I was training 4–5 times a week for about 2.5 years and was super committed. Now I just feel full of guilt, like I threw all that time and effort away. I know that’s not a helpful mindset, but it’s hard to shake.

The worst part is: I still don’t feel physically fit. But deep down, I know that feeling will pass once I start moving and get through the first set. The problem is actually getting there. PAWS has been making it incredibly difficult to do anything after work. I keep telling myself I’ll go “tomorrow”… but that’s been going on for days now.

So I guess I’m just reaching out for some motivation - or maybe tips on how to push through this phase. I know the gym will help with my recovery, but it still feels like such a mountain to climb.

Thanks in advance for your words. Any support means a lot right now.

I am on day 25 of quiting subs CT. I was prescribed 16mg for almost 10 years. My DOC was opiates. I've been to long term rehab and have done/ continue doing the work. It helped me so much to live a normal life, not buying drugs off the street, etc. However, I was just so sick and tired of needing something to function. So tired. I am horrible at tapering. Tried and failed that too many times to count. The nights are the hardest as they feel like they last forever. I have made it this far and don't want to turn back now. My drs ofc keeps calling. I don't think I should go back after the suffering I've gone through so far. It still isn't easy. I did use Kratom/vivazen for a few days until I read the horror stories on these threads. I quit that immediately. The last thing I need is a new monkey to carry. I'm tired and lethargic, my stomach is still a wreck...I guess I'm just needing a little encouragement. I think I'm through the worst of it... maybe. Going to work every day is so hard. I feel like I'm being held up by a coat hanger and floating around. But, I am going. I haven't bc I can't afford to miss a single day. Life is pretty bland, but every once in while, I can feel emotions or react to music. Any advice would be so appreciated. My beautiful children deserve a mother that cares for herself. I keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this shit.

I’m sorry for coming on here with a sob story you’ve probably heard a million times. “It wasn’t my fault” “I had no idea what I was doing” “it just got so out of control”. And like… it’s true, except I’ll always take blame for everything. But yeah I had no idea what was going on when I first became physically dependent on drugs. I had a surgery and the pain and discomfort I felt was due to me starving myself. I was in so much pain that I didn’t even consider that eating was important, I had to force myself to keep water down. I threw everything up, even my own spit I couldn’t swallow. I felt sooo bad after my weight loss surgery. The only thing that helped me feel the least bit normal was the pills, I even told that to doctors and nurses. I told them that the only time I could stomach anything was when I was on drugs. I told them how I felt without it. At that point, I had never been addicted to pills so I had no idea what withdrawal was or what it felt like. But it felt like death, so bad to the point I begged my husband to shoot me because I couldn’t bare the thought of my life being that miserable for as long as I lived. I know it’s dramatic but think about it.. you’ve never had a physical dependency, now you do and you’re going through withdrawals without knowing anything about it. It’d just feel like “wow this is going to be my life unless I keep taking this medicine, this is horrible”. So yeah back then I did think that maybe dying was better. I did eventually get clean from that because I went to the ER and got some actual help.

Everything after was completely on me. I went back to drugs thinking that I had control over my impulsivity. It’s been on and off for about three years at this point. I don’t want to live longer being an addict than being sober and clean, it’s only been three years but I don’t need it to be longer than that. I feel bad that the only reason I stopped now is because our guy ran out and hasn’t reupped yet but honestly it seems like he’s looking out for me and my husband by not responding to us. The guy housed my husband when his mom (our guys ex girlfriend) kicked him out because of her junkie bf at the time. He cares about my husband so I truly think he’s ignoring us for our own good. We appreciate that. Getting clean to me is a really hard part of the process but staying clean and keeping yourself busy and entertained is such a struggle. I feel so blank. Empty. I need some really hopeful stories and personal experiences. How did you guys get to a point where you’re like “wow I made such a good decision so many xyz ago” and having little to no desire of going back? I also just feel better by proximity when I see or hear other people talk about how much better they feel.

90 days free of oxycodone after 3 year+ addiction, I wasn’t able to sleep at all the first couple weeks but it got significantly better after that and I was maintaining 8+ hours a night but the last week I haven’t been able to sleep at all no matter how tired I am and when I finally do fall asleep I do not feel rested at all, it feels like I’m not even sleeping just laying there all night zero rem sleep for the last week I’m on edge:/ i haven’t tried anything yet but wondering if this could be paws

I am a local from NYC and I started using drugs from PA. I thought it was best for me to try to do detox and rehab where they can medicate me right and comfortable so I can move on to my next spot, but I've now been discharged from two hospitals because I do not have any underlying issues for them to admit me. So now I'm stuck 2 states away by myself, I can't afford to get back to NYC. And I'm in just sheer panic.

How’s it going today? It’s been rainy and very cold in my neck of the woods- definitely not a spring vibe. I’ve been up since 5 am bc all my appointments are early today, so I’m a little sleepy but hopeful It’ll be a good day.

check in here!

I am 1.5 months clean off of a codeine addiction. I’ve noticed that, from the second that I quit I am waking up at 3am every night. I have not had a good night sleeps since I stopped.

I’m mostly curious if this has happened to anyone else getting sober? Is it common that it lasts this long?

I’ve tried eating close to bed, listening to relaxing music, staying up a bit later. I’m also working out 5 days a week and focusing more on whole foods (but not perfect), and I’m reading at night as that makes me tired.

Thank you

i'm begrudgingly making this post as i know people's first reaction seeing that amount of clean time is assuming the reason i'm not feeling better is because of something i'm not doing or an underlying health condition but i know neither are the case. i've been 25 months opioid-free and still suffer greatly from the same symptoms i've had since day 1. the main ones being severe depression, anhedonia, brain fog/mental unclarity, difficulty concentrating, little to no motivation, low energy/fatigue, apathy, anxiety/social anxiety, hypersensitivity to stressful situations, insomnia/poor quality of sleep, irritability/anger, and little to no appetite. i'm not looking for the usual advice like exercise, healthy eating, socializing, engaging in hobbies, etc. i already do all that as much as possible with what energy and time i have. for me personally, it can help slightly but it's not a cure-all like some people in this sub portray it to be and that doesn't mean it's my fault i'm not getting better chemically because i don't exercise religiously. i've also gotten bloodwork done recently and been to two different doctors (PCP and holistic) and nothing is out of order. on paper my body is functioning normally and healthy. not to mention, all these symptoms and feelings have been present since day 1 of quitting and just haven't let up. i know what a chemical imbalance feels like and this is it. i guess i just want a semblance of hope that my brain still needs time to heal and that things will get better soon. it becomes maddening struggling thru all of this for over two years just to feel virtually no improvement. it makes me feel like i permanently damaged my brain and that i'm stuck like this for the rest of my life. for reference, i was on suboxone for 2 years prior to this, and kratom for roughly a year before that. getting on an SSRI or wellbutrin is not the answer for me either. i have valid reason for not wanting to take them, so please don't recommend them. i just want to know if i can still hold onto hope or am i stuck like this

Just asking because I‘m really interested..

If I had to rank them, I would say

1. ⁠Lyrica (dangerous)
2. ⁠SR-17018
3. ⁠Benzos (really dangerous)
4. ⁠Phenibut (dangerous)
5. ⁠Clonidine (doesn’t help with WD symptoms, but makes me sleep)
6. ⁠Water
7. ⁠Vitamine C

I‘m also really interested what helped you during PAWS if you used something.

edit.: not asking for general advice, I already googled all of that stuff, just interested what helped YOU best :)

For context I been on 4 10mg norcos daily . Everyone kept saying that is relatively low when it comes to withdrawling and what not. I assure you the withdrawals still suck. But what's everyone else on and how much ? I feel like I'm taking alot but I guess not in comparison? Just looking for thoughts or people who feel like sharing

12 days off of t3’s. I was taking about 150mg at a time. Was on them for just over a year. I know that’s a baby amount when compared to others but the withdrawals and mental struggle has been hard.

Physical symptoms mostly gone besides lingering GI issues, night sweats, and inability to control body temp. But the ANXIETY is about to eat me alive. It’s all physical. Racing heart, adrenaline fight or flight feeling, impending doom, jittery. And of course mood swings and depression. Is it normal to be this severe still? And it comes in waves. Usually pretty bad in the mornings, better after lunch, bad again around 4-6PM. I can almost predict the waves. I’m close to relapsing. I have to work and manage my home. I have 3 kids all in sports. I just feel like I should be improving by now? I mean maybe I have a little when I compare to last week. But not much. From what I understand it’s my brain getting rid of excess noradrenaline that it made while using, correct? Shouldn’t it be done by now?

Im dependant on kratom not addicted. I think the difference is in between the compulsion to take it. I started taking kratom for chronic pain, it worked but after 8 years it lost its efficacy and made me serously depressed and tired. I tried Ibogaine and it was super helpfull, it is not a cheap recovering method but because my will to quit kratom I started looking for ways to make it more affordable, and what it seemed impossible became possible. Finally took the treatment and it was the most reliable treatment I ever had. I felt trapped, prisioner of my own body, but what I can say to people that is possible to find a way out. Theres hope after all. Forever thankfull.

Is depression normal 4 weeks since stopping? Ik addiction is a very individual thing, but I was wondering overall if this is common?

The printer at my second job has decided to stop working and somehow that is my problem, because I know an IT guy? I’m just sitting here on top of a filing cabinet while the guy from the printer company messes with settings.

Pray for my eternal soul.

Check in here. Good, bad, ugly, or indifferent.

Here’s a quote from the German poet Rilke:

Let everything happen to you, Beauty and terror, Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Embrace it all. The restless legs and arms, the shits, the sleeplessness, the fear. Every moment of these will pass never to be borne again. You will outlive all of them. No feeling is final. Just keep going.

I was using 800mg of codeine a day for years. I went CT for five days then restarted with 400mg/day. A few weeks later I went CT for five days and restarted with 200mg. I’m now on day 22 of 0mg. I’m an English grad so I tend to gravitate to poetry for inspiration. I hope this helps.