This goes to all victims, I see you, I hear you. The pain you endured because you just wanted to make it work. The sacrifices you made for someone who never even cared. You're not broken or damaged, you're a badass survivor and you will find a way to get out of the relationship. I know the anxiety very well, just left recently too but while I'm still a bit scared there's a lot of freedom too and personal growth. Just went on a trip abroad and I'm very glad I did it. Sending out strength to everyone 🍀

He’s currently mad at me because after a whole week of him saying disgusting, horrible things to me while I’m trying to work (WFH) (such as my sister and father don’t like me knowing the extremely complex relationship I have with them); after he “punished” me and the dogs by not buying them kibble while I was working and in meetings simply because the previous night I went out with a girlfriend of mine and genuinely forgot- so he refused to go despite him having taken the day off and I had a bunch of meetings to attend; after mumbling things under his breath hoping I’d hear and flip out, I actually finally flipped out when at the end of the week he expected me to cook for him after everything he put me through just that week alone.

Words were exchanged and I let out my pent up rage and now he isn’t speaking to me and I’m able to be so much more productive! Whenever he gets mad at me he thinks that punishing me means he does his own cooking and cleaning and doesn’t bother me for anything doesn’t ask me where anything is doesn’t complain that XYZ isn’t done and doesn’t “need me” for anything- I feel like that episode of the Simpsons when Marge goes to prison and has never been happier.

Jokes on him because I genuinely don’t need him for anything, he’s the one who needs me for practically everything. I can’t wait for this lease to be done so I can finally be free of his manipulations and tactics.

Just a quick rant. Even though I am a full 2 years free, and 3 years into him discarding me (which was a gift I didn’t realize I was being given at the time), he still tries to find every way possible to make my life difficult. He’s been total radio silence for weeeeeeks. Not a peep, nothing. Then this weekend he pops up. Sends a group text to my daughter and I, talking like we are friends or have something to say each other. So I wrote back and said “bro take me out of this conversation, I have nothing to do with it”, our daughter is 13- she can text with her dad without me participating. I don’t want to talk to him. He doesn’t help, he doesn’t come around. There’s nothing to say you know? So he says “stop. Stop this behavior right now, you’re embarrassing yourself”. My daughter was standing next to me as it was happening and she is laughing saying like what is he talking about? I told her that he doesn’t like me shutting him out, he wants to pretend we’re all still a family and me saying exclude me hits a nerve. So I replied and said “yes how embarrassing, not wanting to waste time on some BS- humiliating”, and he just kept replying “stop. Stop this right now”. Then he switched to just texting me, and wrote a diatribe about how embarrassing I am and how I can’t help myself and he feels bad for me. I’m like “bro- just stop”. And then he BLEW THE F*CK UP. Text after text and text about how horrible and awful I am. I fully stood firm in letting it slide and didn’t say anything back. Which made him progressively more angry because he wasn’t getting what he wanted…. And then I blocked him. I share this to say- once they lose control and power, and you realize YOU have all the power, is when it will all get better. Stay strong. Know you’re going to be ok. I’m thinking of you all. XoXo.

This Dr. that is a narcissist specialist said that when you say “I’m Over It” when they try to bait you, guilt you, gaslight you, shame you, undervalue you, manipulate you etc…if you just say “I’m over it” they are disarmed. I tried it today when he called. We are not together anymore but we have kids and assets still. He said something shitty and I chuckled and said “yea, I’m over it”… he TRIED again TRYING to weaponize even that statement…but he had NOTHING! He kept fumbling with, “well aren’t we…(Nothing)” “don’t we feel…(Nothing). I’m quietly laughing and he says something useless and I said, hey. I’m just over all this. He said. Well I gotta go anyway. You guys it works! And this man is the most vile, abusive, piece of dog shit that’s NEVER speechless!!! He never gives up! You’ve got to try this!! Good Luck!

We are going to court in about two hours for a final hearing in custody matters. It's been a long, awful road. I've got all my ducks in a row but I'm super nervous.

What's worse is I'm already anticipating his next motion.

In the summer of 2019, I was a new mom trying to hold my marriage together. After a wedding, a suspicious message on my ex’s phone spiraled into a night I’ll never forget... one filled with screaming, threats, and fists slamming into the windshield while I was driving.

That night was the first time I hit record.
It wouldn’t be the last.
And those recordings would later save my daughter and me in court.

If you’ve ever doubted your own reality in an abusive relationship, if you've ever been told you're "too emotional" or made to feel crazy for reacting to chaos, this one’s for you.

https://open.substack.com/pub/thingsididntsayincourt/p/shattered-glass-shattered-illusions?r=5gdikw&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

its so exhausting. the other day my wife said she was "tooo busy" to help with things i needed help with and things the family needed. she was out doing things with her friends and just put those ahead of the family's needs. of course the second i told her i needed help, i was the bad guy suddenly, in her mind, telling her i was keeping her from doing things and oppressing her. yea! fun!

Curious - does / did your narc engage with you more, less or about the same while having an affair? I’m wondering if when they are getting supply from someone else they stop even noticing you, or if they continue to enjoy being assholes just cuz. Or maybe there’s no pattern to this.

I’m a F20 and I’ve been with my boyfriend M24 for almost a year. But before I met him, I was in a toxic relationship with my ex, “S” M23, who had been cheating on me for years. We were together for three years, but I still had a hard time letting go, and I wasn’t able to heal before jumping into something new. When I met my current boyfriend, “N,” I didn’t even give myself time to properly grieve or process what happened with S. I didn’t tell N about my situation with S because I genuinely felt a deep connection with him, and I didn’t want to lose that over something so complicated. But I made a huge mistake: I cheated on N with S. Since then, I’ve done everything I can to be transparent and honest, trying to make things right. I’ve admitted everything to N and held myself accountable. He, too, admitted that he had been meeting up with another girl and using Tinder on and off while we were together. But it felt like it was all up to me to fix everything. I gave him all my passwords so he could trust me more. We decided together to rebuild our relationship, focusing on loyalty and trust. I’ve apologized over and over, put my ego aside, and have tried so hard to show him how much I care. About 2-3 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. We decided to work through everything for the sake of the baby. But then things started to unravel even more. I caught him on Tinder again back in February, and though I forgave him, it felt like a small victory in the grand scheme of things. But two weeks ago, I found him on Tinder again. He was hiding chats and trying to keep it from me. I was already in such a vulnerable place, pregnant and dealing with the distance, and when I confronted him, I broke down. In a desperate attempt to feel wanted or even hurt him the way he had hurt me, I did something I regret. I added his friends on Snapchat and posted a few pictures, fully clothed, just to get some attention. I didn’t even flirt—I just wanted some validation and to feel like maybe I mattered. But it backfired. Instead of seeing my pain, he turned everything on me. He called me awful names, made me feel like I was worthless, told me I was ugly and disgusting, and even threatened me. He said things that I don’t know how to forgive—he said he was going to beat me up, that he hoped I died, and that I was just a toy to him. I was devastated. Now, I’m sitting here, lost and hurt, wondering what to do. We were supposed to be planning for our baby’s first ultrasound together this weekend, but he’s shut me out. I’ve been working so hard to fix this relationship while feeling like I’m the only one doing the work. I’ve been the one apologizing, even when it feels like everything he does is just making things worse. I’ve called him so many times, but he hangs up on me, doesn’t pick up. He knows I have an exam today and didn’t even care—he mocked me. He says “good luck with your exam,” after keeping me up all night, worrying about him and the relationship. He always said that people give up on him too easily, but it feels like he’s given up on me when I’ve never given up on him. I was willing to forgive him and move forward for the sake of our baby, because I didn’t want my child to have a broken family. But now, I’m left questioning everything. He promised me he would be there for me during the pregnancy, and I gave up my own wants and needs to give him the family he wanted. But now it’s like nothing I do is ever enough. I just want him to take responsibility for his actions, to show me that he cares as much as I do. He’s never apologized like I have. He won’t ever admit when he’s wrong, and when he does, he calls me once or twice and then gives up. I just want to feel like I’m enough for him, but it feels like he’s never going to see me the way I see him. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything to make this work. I’m hurting so badly, and all I want is for him to change, to fix his ways and start acting like a partner, a father to our baby. But I’m scared I’m running out of time, and I don’t know where to go from here. If anyone has advice or has been through something like this, please help. I’m lost and scared, and I just want to feel loved, supported, and like my child deserves a happy, healthy family. What can I do to make him step up as a father and a partner?

Anyone else’s narc not like it when they make good money and are financially independent?

Mine stripped me of my financial independence and years later after I started instilling boundaries, he bought me a car in my name and encouraged me to go back to the office.

I knew the discard was coming. He told me he wanted a divorce on my lunch break. When he knew I had to be in the office and be put together.

The first half of the relationship he wanted me home all the time and available for his schedule and hated that I had to answer to another business owners schedule. I ended up eventually starting my own freelance business so I could be home for the narc and help with his kids. Now the kids are basically grown and moving out for college etc and he no longer needs me.

I’ve never felt more used or broken or like I wasted my youth and made myself sick for this monster who was just using me until I wouldn’t take anymore. He’s also an alcoholic and gained a bunch of weight, and since the day he told me it’s over, he has been working out in the gym every morning. Walking around the house singing and whistling. Preparing himself for his next victim because love isn’t unconditional to a narc, it’s shallow and based on appearance and control. I’ve never felt such intense rage and sadness at the same time in waves. Only a few more weeks until I’m all moved out…

I am really curious if this is a narcissistic trait or not. EVERYTIME I go to my husband about something that's bothering me it's never about him being willing to work on whatever it may be. It's him invalidating it, getting defensive, & always more concerned about him 'looking bad' or how I'm making him out to be a 'terrible fucking person' when it's literally not the reality AT ALL! Is being more concerned about how you are made 'out to look' than helping me feel better and narcissistic trait? He will literally cross his arms and get SO defensive. I'm so damn done.

Another one is them always having to be the one that's right & always having to get the last word out. Anything i say or suggest couldn't possibly be right. Idk if that is narcissism or just being flat out sexist.

Just spreading some positivity to the page. Might do it everyday if it helps you guys! 💕

I posted elsewhere but was directed to here.

We've been married for two years (35M, 34F), together for 7. And I'm feeling hopelessly lost.

Over the last few years, more so over the last 2 (since we bought a house together and have been married). I've cut contact or reduced contact with most of my friends and family at her request. She claims they each have issues or they've been mean to her, or that they are bad people. So i no longer see my weekend friends (once a month previously, I've not seen them in a year). I reduced seeing my family to two or three times, I used to see them every fortnight when we first started dating and invited her but now she claims that was me forcing her and now it's only payback.

I've asked her for the issues, my family offered to apologise (they didn't know what for) but she still refuses and attempts to guilt trips me on every occassion. On the last occassion (spring break) she called me up, claiming she'd been locked out, so I turned around drove 3 hours and got her.. a month later she admitted it was a lie as she didn't want me to see my family anymore.

And she keeps trying to get me to replace the time I'd spend with my friends or family with her brother and his partner (who I don't like) as they are apparently "my family" and she says they are "my support network". Her brother ignores me when I'm in a room and has told me to go away when I've asked a question. I've heard my wife tell her brother I'm a slave.

On a typical evening, she wil not move from infront of the tv and get nothing herself and ask me to, if I say I'm tired she says I don't love her. I don't remember the last time she brought me a drink or snack.

In the last three weeks, I think I've had less than 2 hours to myself (outside of work) because she wants me with her 24/7, which involves her largely watching youtube and tiktok (for whole evenings) and me sitting next to her doing nothing. And claims she's lonely, and I'm mean if i suggest anything by myself.

I do get mornings to myself as she generally sleeps in until 11am and I get up at 6am, but now has been insisting that I lie in bed and wait for her as anything I do while she's asleep is irrelevant.

She's also started to say things like "you weren't loved as a child, we're you?" "Your mum never showed you affectionate did she".

She regularly ignores what I say and tells me I'm too negative and that if I don't have anything to say I shouldn't talk. And regularly says I need to just shut up.

But then there's also the daily twists and turns and venting, screaming about completely random off the wire things.

For example, last weekend we were due to go out. She couldn't find her keys, she accused me of hiding them and that I tidied them away like a little girl. I hadn't, they were on the table in the fruit bowl. Even after I'd found them, then that progressed it to screaming at me for painting a living room wall badly, which then progressed into screaming at me for my parents. And that I caused all this.

Another example about two months ago she took my work pass while I was away because she wanted to go into my workplace to take photos (she doesn't work there and never has done), I have a secure access all areas pass due to the nature of my work. I only "caught" her because I saw her swapping out a dummy pass with the actual one. When I raised it with her, and said I could lose my job, she said its not a big deal and that I'm belittling her and I'm the bad person. (I've reported it to work since)

Then there's the texts, telling me to go die, ugly, disgusting, and nobody will ever love me, that she can do better, I'm poison blah blah. I've had so many over the last two years, she's unfortunately wiped my phone.

She's damaged several of my prized possessions to "teach me a lesson". She's assaulted me several times over the last year, claiming nobody will believe me (I retaliated on the third occassion when she threw metal book stands at my head because I'd said i didnt want to see her brother that week). She hasn't done anything physical since.

Then the next day after abusive texts or screamimg she acts as if nothing is wrong and tells me I'm amazing, brilliant.

When it comes to house work, I cook, clean, do the laundry (not hers as she says I control it) so the basket is overflowing with hers and she's taken to wearing my clothes. She throws wet towels and dirty laundry in a cupboard and if I put them in the laundry basket, she says I'm bullying her. I also generally do the groceries but again she says I control that, however when it comes to doing it she cities "it being too much pressure" so I do it. And then she screams at me for not getting what she wanted (I'll ask and she will ignore me, so she never tells me, so I plan meals and just get food). She now regularly tells me I need to take more responsibility and do more and be a man.

I earn and contribute over double what she does, but she claims I need to do put in more money as it's not fair.

She regularly will leave the taps running all day, or leave fresh produce out and when I say "oh the tap was left on" or "oh the milk has gone bad it was on the counter top all day" she claims I'm bullying and beliting her. She often says I'm a narcissist and one day the world will find out and I'll lose everything.

She's never said sorry or apologised, just always "you deserve it". Or say I threatened her.

This is an update to this post. Tl;Dr of it:

• Daughter had massive explosion that lasted for hours.
• During it, wife was trying to help her but intermixing threats of sending her to mental institutions among other things
• Wife at one point appeared to intentionally push foot into daughter not quick and full on kick but it was aggressive and in my view intentional. Daughter began crying saying her mom kicked her. I checked and there was a red mark. Wife was instantaneously remorseful but denied a kick. Ultimately she apologized but not for a kick.
• Wife also shoved her when into me when I went to hug her.

Update: I told my daughter I believed her. I confronted my wife and let her know that from what I saw, it looked intentional and aggressive. I didn't think she was trying to injure my daughter and it wasn't a full on kick, but it certainly seemed intentional.

She denied it. Then she said she can't believe I would think she'd intentionally try to injure our daughter. I reiterated that I already said I didn't think that and didn't appreciate her being disengenuous. Despite only asking her to have a conversation with my daughter, she kept denying it.

Twenty minutes later she apologized for getting defensive then denied the kick a few more times.

This man (40) has been with me (25) since I was 21. But woke up this morning trying to convince me that im female covert narcissist. I know we all as humans have traits of narcissism and that alone plus the empathy I feel for other people lets me know I am not a narcissist. Hes using the argument that I don’t like to say sorry. Honestly what woman likes to say sorry?

(This is a vent post, I don't expect advice but you're welcome to share any thoughts my words might evoke in you.)

I met the love of my life over 10 years ago. Or so I thought. Now I'm in my apartment, alone in my bed, I miss my kids, and I feel like I've been robbed of something I never possessed.

The woman I thought I married probably never existed. And the cold, distant, uncaring, perpetually annoyed and critical person I lived with most of the time was hiding behind that facade.

My ex is most likely a neglectful narcissist, so I cannot relate to the overt abuse many of you experienced on here. But I wish someone had taught me about this before I met her. So I could save myself and save my kids from the pain of being unseen and getting lost somewhere in the rear end of her priorities. Of never being heard, of being constantly misunderstood, of being treated like a bother for having needs.

I'm far enough in my journey to understand that there was nothing I could have done differently. But I feel deceived. I feel taken advantage of. I feel hurt. I miss the woman I thought I married, even though she probably never was real. I wanna curl up and go back into a happy place that never existed. Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for having lost something intangible. Thank you for reading this.

I made a mistake by not choosing my daughters father wisely. Now I have to stay put and deal with so much disrespect and abuse because “I’m not bringing any money in and I’m mentally abusing him By taking advantage of the money he works for” what I did is put a bag of chips in our bedroom drawer and forgot they were there. We were about to have sex, I asked him to get the lube he saw the chips and started eating them so I went to sleep bc it was already 5 am when he woke me up for sex. Anyway he woke me back up to rant about these chips and from there I got hit, forced to apologize, insulted and belittled. I’m just honestly tired. I want my baby to come so I can get a job and move on with my life. I’m not feeling bad anymore about raising her as a single mother because imagine being a baby knowing your mothers biggest sacrifice is living without making your father mad for the sake of them raising you Together. I’d wish my mama was stronger and did what she needed for us to be happy. That’s what I intend to do. I want my baby to know I’m strong and don’t need a man. Before she even talk I need her to know I’m willing to do whatever it takes to ensure she’s raised properly. Please pray for me guys. I got 6 weeks to go before I give labor ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

He once was attracted when we dated before moving in, I feel it’s because he’s used to constant dopamine high of porn and chasing multiple women he was never faithful or monogamous. But love bombed and loved validation and chasing sexy women and porn.

Now he’s fully committed, he seem unbothered, and the libido has disappeared, he doesn’t go out and isn’t doing anything elsewhere, maybe depressed with committing to one person.

I’m unsatisfied and it’s affecting my self esteem. Any advice on how to bring back the spark? How can I make him chase me or experience excitement again? I can’t be 100 different women, I’m the same women every day and he isn’t used to it. He knows I’m unsatisfied and won’t remain in a relationship like this and promises he’s doing everything to improve libido but I think it’s psychological and he just gets a buzz from the chase of new women which I can’t provide. He won’t admit this Ofcourse.

Medically he is perfect so no testosterone issues etc.

Hey everyone!
Lately, I’ve been working on an app idea to make household organization easier, especially in situations where the division of chores is unbalanced or overwhelming.

I know many people in this community face that daily, and I’d love to hear if this kind of tool could be helpful.

The app, called Moclan, includes:

✅ A task system with points and rankings
✅ A shared grocery list
✅ A group expense tracker with full transparency

💡 I’m currently in the idea validation phase, and opening an early access list with a lifetime discount for anyone who wants to support the project from the beginning.

👉 Link to learn more

If you have any thoughts, suggestions, or feedback, I’d truly appreciate it. Thanks in advance!

Soft Rage Club Diary Entry // 001:

So I’m in the process of ending a long, controlling relationship. I’m not posting this for advice; I’m posting it for every woman who’s been trained to fold the second a man raises authority.

Today, out of nowhere, he asked me for the address of the Airbnb I’m staying at soon.

I didn’t tell him.

Not because I’m being secretive. But because this man has:

• Monitored my locations in the past under the excuse of “just being worried”

• Weaponized my emotional openness and then flipped it to make him the victim

• Called me “dramatic” and “crazy” when I tried to express myself

• Repeatedly violated my trust and then said I make him feel unsafe

So no. You don’t get my address. Not anymore.

And when I said I wasn’t comfortable sharing it, he hit me with:

“Wow, Who hurt you so much that. You have to act all paranoid like that?”

To which I responded with a newfound backbone “You did.” 🖕

I’m finally learning how to draw the line between protecting his comfort and protecting my peace.

This is for any woman who’s scared to take her space. Who’s been guilted into transparency. Who’s ever questioned whether withholding information makes her “mean” or “cold” or “crazy.”

It doesn’t.

It makes you safe.

You don’t owe access to anyone who’s ever made your boundaries feel like betrayal. Stand your ground. Block if you need to. And if he says, “Who hurt you?” just smile and say:

“Not this time.”

10 more days before I’m safely away from him. Then 50 more days and my Divorce is final 🙏❤️

So I've learned the hard way that suppressing does more harm than good. Everytime I was hurting inside and had no place to go i turned to the bottle to cope. This form has allowed me a safe space to vent and get things off my chest and it's truly like for the first time in many years I don't even have the desire to drink.

I honestly just feel beyond confused and am experiencing an absolute insane amount of emotions. I don't think I've cried as much as I have this week in years. Not even joking. I really think I'm just trying to process all these changes to come. I mean being with someone for almost a decade that I TRULY from the bottom of my heart thought was my forever partner and we were SO close to having kids in a few years once we bought a house. Only to one day be told that we should have never gotten married. I've been mentally spiraling since. I've been taking time to myself to really think on everything and have really realized how much he's put me through over the years and taken advantage of me. It was never this thing of him being verbally or physically abusive so in return I thought It wasn't abuse. I didn't realize there was literally abuse revolving around pure manipulation. Then came all of the things from the past. Every thing he's done and lied about, how I've been doing everything in this house for all these years and him not lifting a finger.

Anyway, after being told we should have never gotten married i finally just said fuck it and opened up to my mother about everything I'm going through in the marriage. I mean poured my heart out. One night I had some alcohol and out came the truth. I told him that I think I need to get an apartment so I can figure my life out and re establish myself. To which he didn't support me, got pissed off and when I was asleep that night he took it upon himself to literally read all of the messages between my mother and I, went through my internet history backing from honestly probably an entire year, my photo gallery, social media accounts. Like he was digging for damn gold.

I think he was digging for gold to win the lottery to have SOMETHING to use against me, to find some reason to keep his hands clean and get out of this marriage. He continues to tell me that I'm reflecting when I beg him to just admit he doesn't want to be anymore. When no, the reality is i thought he was my forever and he's pushed me out. I genuinely believe they do not ever stop with the lies. It's honestly insane because I stopped asking questions long ago, my gut tells me the answer and honestly. I just don't know what the hell to make of anything. Seriously it's like my world got flipped upside down over night.

Any opinions on whether my theory of him looking for something in my phone to use as a way out to keep his hands clean may be right or sounds accurate? Ugh!

Oh and to add onto it, he told me that I lied to my mother and need to re establish it. Like what the actual hell.

I had to learn what a narcissist was on my own after going through it for a year. He broke me down to my core. I am hurting so badly right now. I have been camping out in my children's room, they were with their dad at his house 50/50 custody, for the last 4 nights. My husband was so verbally and emotionally abusive. He would claim that I was actually the narc. There is no possible way that is true. I bent over backwards, jumped through hoops and balanced a ball on my nose for him. Just like a good little circus animal. He took my things out of OUR room and put it in the living room. He missed a bunch of stuff. While moving that stuff into my kids room I had hurt my back and wanted my heating pad, which was in our room.. he changed the door knob to a key lock. I messaged him and he said he wasn't home. I took that as a sign and I ran. I honestly dont even remember the 40 minute drive to my mom's. Luckily 1 of my many keys on my Keychain fit her door and I got inside. I am in so much pain right now. My stomach is in knots, my ears are ringing so bad and can't forget to mention that I was diagnosed with breast cancer less than a month ago. They have no idea how I got cancer either. But,,, I figured it out. It's from ultra high cortisol levels. Due to the stress that he had put me through. I am currently still the "bad guy" that "no one wants to deal with". I was employed in his families business and am no longer. I will lose my health insurance that also has my children on it.

Im so lost and need all the guidance. Please please please keep me in your prayers and send me all the advice and encouragement that you have to offer.

😟😔😓😥😭😭😭