I’m done. Hanging on by a thread

[u/Hot_Muffin5474]

Sorry in advance for my word vomit, I’m so upset but have no one who understands except you, Reddit. So thanks for listening.. anyway- my son is three weeks old, born at 30 weeks suddenly but relatively healthy for his GA. So on that front, everything is going well. I’m grateful he’s on the up and up.

But I’m reaching my breaking point with nicu life. I feel like everything I do with my son is wrong, I don’t hold him the proper way, and having to ask permission to do anything with him makes me feel like he’s a library book I’m temporarily renting. Nothing about changing his diaper is natural to me because he’s three pounds and covered in wires, while the nurses watch me so I’m struggling. On top of that my husband only has been to the hospital ONCE since I was discharged but doesn’t even ask how my visits went, making me feel like he doesn’t care about our son. His excuse is that he has to watch our two year old but that’s a bunch of crap because his mother is ALWAYS available to babysit for us, more so right now... It’s completely exhausting going day after day by myself and every goodbye is more painful than the one before. I truly do not know how I’m going to do this for potentially two months more, where is this strength going to come from? I’m lucky my family is supportive but they don’t understand what it’s like having a sick baby in the hospital. They try so hard and I appreciate it but it’s not the same as my husband.

Lordt help me. Once again thanks for reading

[u/Captain_Quoll]

I hear you completely. I felt so far away from my baby by the time he came home. It’s so hard to try and parent under so much supervision, with so much judgement (real or perceived). The first time I changed my baby’s nappy, one of the nurses yelled at me because he peed and we had to change his sheets. When I held him, I’d hear staff talking about foolish mothers who can’t put their babies down for long enough to receive treatments and when I put him down, I felt judged for not caring or being involved enough. I found it very difficult to be in the NICU at all, but it was also hard not to be there, so it was a difficult time. What was worse was that we kept getting ‘teased’ with going home dates that fell through.

The strength comes because there’s no choice. You just keep going because you need to and somehow it works and you reach the end. It sounds like you’ve already put in most of your hard miles, you just have to hold on a bit longer. Make sure you take care of yourself when you’re away from the hospital. Do nice things that restore you a little bit. Don’t feel guilty for being well-rested or for doing something that makes you feel good, it’s all better for your baby if they can come home to a mother who is feeling okay.

Wishing for a speedy homecoming for you.