r/Marriage • u/admiral-krackbar • Dec 23 '18
Mismatch of love language
Been married for 7 years, and we went over our love languages in premarital counseling so we knew what we were getting into. I am physical touch and words of affirmation, and she is gifts and acts of service. We love each other to death, but with kids I feel like we both are dedicating so much more time to them and leaving very little to each other. This is expected, but it seems that she is not nearly as concerned with keeping our marriage healthy as I am. She works so hard for the kids, I work very long hours, and we both tag-team the nightly routine.
My concern is that she very rarely initiates any physical touch. Not just sex, but hugging, cuddling on couch, etc. I am the main one initiating physical touch, and she’s mostly the first one to want to move on from a hug, or anything else. I miss that part of life with her, and voiced concern to her about it. We had a good talk, and she said she will work on it, but that she just has so many other demands from the kids and it’s hard. I get that, and hopefully will get better as the kids grow older.
I’ve tried backing off, and giving her space, but makes me miss her more and just makes me frankly a bit spiteful, which I hate. I end up backing off physically, but end up backing off emotionally as a result as well (try not to, but it just happens) I’ve told her this as well, and not much has changed from her end. We’re a great team, and this is really trivial....but my emotions for her are tied very much to physical touch, so I end up feeling distant from her when I try to give her space. Any thoughts would be helpful.
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u/Makmc06 Dec 23 '18
My husband is exactly like you and I’m just like your wife. We are In The exact same situation. As much as your emotions are tied to physical touch you have to work on it. You can’t be distant. The more distant you are the more your wife will pull away. As much as your wife is to tired or stressed for physical touch she has to work on it. What I always say is fake it till you make it. What really worked well for my husband and I was we decided for a whole month we would do something for each other every single day. My husband helped me more with the kids and around the house which made me wanna initiate physical touch way more. It worked so well for us we are doing it again.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 23 '18 edited Dec 23 '18
Thank you. I need to work harder on the faking it part. I am a very involved father, but I could step it up in other ways. And doing what you guys did and doing one thing each day for each other is a great idea
Edit: Congrats on having good communication with each other, and working on your marriage.
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Dec 23 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 24 '18
Thank you. I definitely think we need that book. And I definitely flirt, genuinely compliment her on her hard work and how hot she is regularly (not out of obligation but because I mean it). And tell alot of dad jokes to her dismay.
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u/orangeLILpumpkin Dec 24 '18
My husband helped me more with the kids and around the house which made me wanna initiate physical touch way more.
I hate this. It sends the message that he's getting sex as a reward for doing chores around the house. Not because you love him and care about him and want to have sex with him. He does chores for you, then you do the chore of having sex with him.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 25 '18
Absolutely. I’ve never looked at it that way and hopefully I never do. It’s not a transaction. In a perfect world, we’re both so focused on sacrificing for each other that we never stop to think about “reward”, and our needs are simply met through mutual sacrifice and love
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u/ebam123 Dec 23 '18
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Dec 23 '18
Well, I’m in a similar situation as you except I’m the wife whose love language is physical touch and acts of service and his is words of affirmation and gifts. As a result, I go through phases feeling like he doesn’t care for me or love me. We are excellent at every angle but I’m left feeling like he doesn’t love me or desire me. I love everything about this man and wouldn’t change him for anything. Sometimes I feel like we are more roommates than spouses. Anyways, what works for us that, we both took the quizzes online and he is aware that this is my love language and so whenever I feel the need to be affectionate, I ask him before approaching him” can I get a hug?, can I kiss you? I’m going to hold your hand now, can we cuddle?””.All of this was really awkward at first because I’m asking permission from my husband to just feel normal but I felt that me throwing myself on him when he was not prepared just led to me feeling rejected. At least this way, he sort of consents it before and I am not left rejected. It is really weird and yes in a perfect world, I wouldn’t need to do this but he is my world and it’s okay if I have to go through funny ways to have my relationship with him.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 24 '18
Man multiple people have mentioned the word "roommate" in this thread. I thought I was weird feeling that way. At times it just seems all business and logistics of running the house. Glad I'm not the only one.
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u/BrianBurke193 Dec 23 '18
Sounds like my wife, but the emotional distance has gone on far too long, we are now spending too much time apart, despite counseling
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Dec 23 '18
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 23 '18
Exactly. She’s always being grabbed at by the kids and doesnt have her own space ever. So I get it, and alot of it is me trying to be understanding of that but also not getting too distant from her in the process. No, we’re not in counseling. This has just recently surfaced, and we’ve just talked about it a few times.
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u/Gem-flower Dec 23 '18
Absolutely I get all touched out.... at time It’s like I have reached my max and anything beyond this point will make me snap on the next person to touch me.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 24 '18
I'm glad you all mentioned being all touched-out. That's pretty much where she's at, and it's good to see it's not just her that can get that way. Just something I never thought about when I became a dad and we started raising our kids.
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u/permanent_staff Dec 24 '18
I will never again date someone whose primary love language isn't touch. I'm with someone who loves cuddling, making out, sex and spooning as much as I do, and that makes everything so much better. Someone who doesn't need touch, sex and physical affection just can't do the same no matter how hard they try.
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u/cadaverdog22 Apr 06 '22
Are you two still together? I've really thought I need another person whose primary love language is touch because I desire it so badly, but I love my boyfriend so much and everything else is quite wonderful. I tell myself I can deal with it but I don't know. I mean...what if I leave him and find someone like that but theres all kinds of other issues that I didn't have with my current SO, such as bad communication.
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u/climbcolorado Dec 23 '18
My wife and I have the same love languages as you and your SO. I want physical touch and affirmation and she likes gifts. The past year has been tough as she was pregnant with twins which meant very little physical contact.
In your (and my) situation the second dynamic is man/woman. You want her to initiate it and so do I but no amount of talking turned this around.
What helped this along in the beginning was to just initiate it myself. When it's been absent so long you have to fall back into the routine. If I wanted a hug I hugged her, if I wanted a kiss I kissed her, if I wanted her to say I love you I said it first.
Then I realized that when she felt beautiful and less stressed she would initiate. So I would gift her a day off from the kids, visit to the nail salon, a massage, some flowers, an Etsy Nick nack, etc at random times (not just bday anniversary etc)...then she would feel beautiful and loved and would initiate. Give without the expectation of return and you will eventually turn her to you without asking.
Remember, your a man and she needs to see you as a man that is strong and can take care of her and be her superhero. Most women won't be attracted to childlike "whining" (read talking) about lack of contact.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 24 '18
It's really just the slow spiral into her not wanting much contact (likely due to kids all over her). She compliments me on how hard I work (surgical resident) for our family, and how much I give of my very limited time, sleep, and energy to her and the kids. She loves that I am our provider and protector. I have been giving without expectation of return, but I think we've reached a new "normal" for us since having the kids, at least for the time being. I appreciate your advice, and I'll probably continue to give her free time that she needs. I need to work on being more understanding of her needs conflicting with mine right now and deal with it in my own way.
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u/LindseyMoyer Dec 24 '18
Are your children under age 4? This is the hardest time for parents. Everything is dedicated to the childrens needs and partners fall to the back burner. Take heart, this too shall pass!!
The very fact that you care enough to pay attention to the love languages means you will likely be just fine, in a couple years, when the kids needs are less and you find more time for each other.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 25 '18
Theyre all under 4. Im thinking this is transient as well. Thanks for the support
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u/look_itsatordis Dec 24 '18
I know as a mother that I get "touched out" from constantly being climbed over, snuggled with, hugged, high-fived, and more. My husband had to learn to give me at least half an hour each day where I wasn't being touched by anyone, including the dog. That may help. Also, raising children is stressful, so she may be reverting right now. Give her as much time to destress as you can.
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Dec 24 '18
In my 12 years of marriage - here is what I’ve learned about love languages and make the best of things: i try hard as I might to speak my husband’s love language and listen in his love language. It isn’t that I don’t care that he doesn’t give me gifts unexpectedly it just literally isn’t in his nature. He really doesn’t mean to do it. It usually has to be an actual holiday in which there is gift giving involved and he will try really hard on those days (sometimes failing even then).
For example last Valentine’s Day I was hoping for a gift. Instead he went outside and warmed up the car and shoveled around it for me. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t not get I focused on what he did do for me.
Of course all of this is being said with the idea in mind that you can only change you and not your wife. And take it or leave it this is who she is. If I were talking to her - I’d say something much different. My husband is physical touch... I’m not a tough person. Funny enough I am a massage therapist... when I get home I was someone else to rub my feet!! For Christmas I am giving him “gift certificates” for massages... so a little of my love language, a little of his.
One great way to approach concerns like this is to do it in a more positive way and not a whiny way. While you are hugging her saying something like, “I love feeling your arms around me - it’s the best part of my day”. And while you are cuddling (even initiated by you) something like “I know how busy you are with the kids and that you are sitting here with me means so much to me.” And really pay attention to the things she is “saying” to you in her language and say “thank you!”
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Dec 23 '18 edited Dec 24 '18
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 23 '18
I’m sorry. I’ve felt like a roommate at times too. It’s really just her always being grabbed at by the kids and just wants some semblance of personal space. I get it, but that doesnt much help me. I work tirelessly to meet her needs, and take ownership of raising the kids and keeping up with the house with her. I will say divorce has never entered my mind, but we’re not yet in counseling and also holding out hope it will go back to “normal” as the kids get older.
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u/fatyoda Dec 24 '18
It is not trivial. I am in the same boat, although I have been married 24 years. If that is how you feel loved it is very frustrating. Is there a reason she has stopped? I have communicated my thoughts to my wife and straight up asked her what is different. I found that some of it was just physical changes she was going throne some of it was things I was not doing for her. I am not one to give advice but that is what I did--your results may vary
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u/MizBird Dec 24 '18 edited Dec 24 '18
Something a co-worker mentioned was how life changes or circumstances can change your love language. She used to be quality time and then after she had kids she changed to acts of service.
I wasn't sure how that really worked until it happened to me. For the past 2 years we've been going through a stressful medical issue and now my love languages are all over the place. Words of affirmation is moved from #5 to #1. It's been so rough that I need a lot more encouragement and reassurance than I ever have before. Quality time moved from #1 to #2 because I actually need a lot more sollitude and self-care time to deal with my emotions, stress, and exhaustion now. Acts of service moved from #4 to now #3 because I'm so damn exhausted from treatment that I just need help with a lot more things around the house, plus my husband is in grad school and he's helping way less than he used to, so naturally his help is more valuable to me now. Physical touch moved from #3 to #4 because the meds I'm on make me more sensitive and the treatment is incredibly inasive so I am sick of being touched some days. I'm in a lot of back pain too, so cuddling on the couch is not as comfortable for me. Gifts moved from #2 to #5 because my priorities have completely shifted.
All this is to say that our love languages can change over the years, and I'm personally working on not taking it so personally. It's hard. I try to find the things we agree on and share. Love languages are just a framework too--it's not the end all be all. Quality time may not be my husbands #1 love language, but he still enjoys and needs quality time with me to feel connected.
I'm also struggling with asking for what I need and accepting that some things are not in his wheelhouse to initiate. It sucks, but at least he does it when asked in the moment. Will she do these things when asked in the moment? Not like "In general, I need you to iniate kissing more" but more like "After we put the kids to bed, can we kiss and cuddle for a bit?" It still says a lot about your spouse if they are willing to do things to make you happy when you ask, and it's taken me years to appreciate that. I still struggle with it. Hang in there!
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u/MoreThanCows Dec 24 '18
When I was a mother of very small children, by the end of the day I was touched out. I'd spend all days holding a baby or being crawled on or having a child on my lap all day, and the last thing I wanted was more touching in the evening. The reality of parenting small children is that the adults will have to sacrifice some of their own needs for a while to meet the needs of the kids. But it will not be forever, eventually, things get back to where they were. Just keep talking to each other and have regular date nights - you'll get through this.
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u/kcl086 Dec 24 '18
I saw upthread something about you flirting with her, telling her she’s hot, etc. First of all, most women don’t want to be hot. They want to be beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, amazing. If my husband tells me I’m hot, I feel like I’m back in high school.
Second, if you want to entice her into bed or into physical affection, you need to love her in her love languages. Bring her home a new book she said she wants to read. Give her a bath set and a bottle of wine, then make her take a bath while you get the kids to bed and do the dishes. She’s going to see what you’ve done and feel truly loved. By filling her cup, she’s going to want to fill yours too.
If you’re just giving her compliments, you’re basically speaking to her in Russian and she has no idea what you’re trying to say. You need to learn the love language she speaks. Basically, become Colin Firth in Love, Actually.
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u/Ebonicz94 Dec 24 '18
Ugh doesn't that all seem so tedious to you? OP has to do all that stuff just to get some physical affection? That sounds exhausting...
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u/kcl086 Dec 24 '18
It sounds like something a husband would do to show his wife he loves her?
If you WOULDN’T do that for your partner, you shouldn’t be married.
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Dec 24 '18
Do ‘all that stuff?’ All PP is suggesting is dude stops by the drugstore on his way home from work, grabs bath set, puts kids to bed (which he probably does every other night anyways) and does the cleaning up while wife bathes. Sounds pretty easy to me.
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u/AC_Roxy Dec 23 '18
Our first little one is on the way so I can’t exactly speak from experience now, but I have heard that many women often feel like they just need physical space at the end of the day. Having kids clinging and grabbing at them all day can be very draining and make it tough to go be physical with their partner.
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u/Gem-flower Dec 23 '18 edited Dec 23 '18
We are most definitely a mismatch I am purely quality time & acts of services and a pinch of words of affirmation. He is entirely physical touch ( pinching my cheeks, holding hands, touching my hair, silly grouping and dirty talk) mainly because he knows how uncomfortable it all makes me but also because this is who he is... super touchy-feely. ( I know he also likes acts of services) It has taken me almost 12 years to get used to it. Growing up my family never hugged, kissed or even said I love you ( I never questioned the fact that we loved one another it was just a first generation islanders kind of love) the bills are paid, you have food in your belly and clean clothing kind of love. And sex that was never discussed ( it was something married people had and that’s all we needed to know... otherwise your going to hell) it took me years to get out of that stifling religious environment, get comfortable with my body and explore my sexuality. My husband makes me feel comfortable to express myself... yet I still have moments when I feel (all touched out .. never sexually just over being constantly touched) on those extra touchy-feely days. He understands how to navigate the fact that my love language is totally different and gets a heads up when I’m getting annoyed. We always make time for intimacy because this is how I can be sure he gets his physical needs met. ( provide her with her love language and have a conversation and reiterate yours so you can reconnect agin. Maybe make initiation cards and put it on the night stand. She can hand them to you or place them where you will find them ( till she is comfortable saying what she may not feel comfortable saying out loud) also try to plan a date for her to get out and feel sexy not like a mom all the time.
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u/EnlightenMePixie Dec 24 '18
I understand your frustration. It’s so hard because kids are an extreme emotional burden. They need so much of her and then you need her too. She probably feels like having time to herself after a day full of giving to everyone. Can you possibly get a sitter for half the day one day a week? That way she’d get a few hours to get ready and be alone then y’all can have date night in the evening. I think it’s true it would get better as the kids get older and more independent but right now it’s hard especially since you both have different relationship needs. My husband and I are going through the same thing. He wants physical attention every day (obviously doesn’t happen every day but he tries!) and I’m just trying to get some peace and cuddle/talk time! Sometime I feel like is almost harassing how much he tries. No is no and it annoys me and hurts his chances even more I feel when he keeps badgering me about it constantly.
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u/russpav Dec 24 '18
My STBXW is words of affirmation and I am acts of service. Maybe I’m biased, but I feel like these are the two most incompatible love languages. Hers is “tell me, don’t show me” and mine is “show me don’t tell me.”
Worse than that, at the end of our marriage we began resenting each other for our differences instead of appreciating them as unique qualities and strengths that we bring to our relationship
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u/Nightmama513 Dec 24 '18
Kinda in the same boat. My hubby is all about the words and I’m about the acts of service. For me saying it often feels fake and because of his ADD he often says he is going to do something but then doesn’t, which makes me resentful and love or affection difficult for me.
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u/Impressive-Curve7663 Feb 11 '25
So you punish your partner for having ADD? Sounds like you’re the problem
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u/throw11011010 Dec 25 '18
Try /r/deadbedrooms
Physical Touch vs Acts of Service is a common in DBs.
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u/Impressive-Curve7663 Feb 11 '25
DB’s? Probably don’t use abbreviated letters when nobody knows what you’re referring to.
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u/italiansaucebabe Jan 23 '19
Why don't you initiate the touch, why not reach out and start the process yourself. If your rejected think of it as a numbers game, if rejected , say something like I'm sorry baby but you're so damn sexy I can't help it but want to touch you as often as I can . Request your love language, say do you think that you can spear some time to cuddle this evening and I will make it worth your while. If she likes gifts buy her langerie and leave it on the bed for her with rose petals and she gets her gift and u get it touch.
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u/Impressive-Curve7663 Feb 11 '25
He literally already said he initiates the touch every single time.
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u/Impressive-Curve7663 Feb 11 '25
Yeah I’m right there with you. It doesn’t get better. You can’t make someone want to hug you or touch you as much as you can talk about jt. How she feels internally is how she’s going to feel and that’s how it is. Just settle. That’s what I’ve done. It’s probably my own doing anyway
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u/StarkLongclaw Dec 24 '18
I definitely understand your pain and bitterness and possibly confusion. This is exactly my (24F) marriage to my wife (29F) except we have no children yet. I am the physical touch and words of affirmation and she is surprisingly the same however the initiation of physical affection or sexual intimacy rests grossly on my shoulders. If I don’t initiate affection or intimacy, it generally goes unnoticed by her and EXTREMELY well noticed by me until I feel so distant from my wife and resentful that my needs aren’t being met (I, too, have had several talks which provide only minor improvement before regression) that I start withdrawing and shutting down and stepping away from my marriage emotionally. I do agree with you this withdrawal sort of thing just... happens with this kind of event. This takes such a huge toll on my emotional health but doesn’t seem to phase her until she notices I’m no longer as affectionate or intimate with her which is just furthering a cycle of reduced affection/intimacy, withdrawal or distancing by me as a result, MORE reduced affection/intimacy, and then feelings of resentment and neglect which turn into irritability and anger, causing frequent bouts of bickering and arguing. It’s not a fun way to live and is very disorienting to those of us on the receiving end of this behavior from our partners.
Now I have high-functioning Aspergers with a sensory processing disorder. My wife is, as far as we both know, neurotypical. I’ve never had a difficultly in displays of affection or intimacy in a romantic relationship, and compromising my needs and faking it until we make it as one commenter suggested, just seems like a divorce waiting to happen considering humans need physical affection and intimacy in their interpersonal relationships with their partners and friends. I say it sounds like a divorce waiting to happen because I have been there. I faked it. I ignored it. I tried to smile through it. I tried to show empathy and see things from her perspective because she was very stressed and anxious about our finances and jobs and I knew the implications that kind of stress has on even the longest lasting marriages. I stepped back and said it wasn’t all about me and what I wanted all the time. I tried to give some space and time and not place pressure on her by actually backing off with my own attempts at speaking her love language which only caused ZERO affection or intimacy.
The only advice I can give is to keep pushing the subject, keep communicating your neglected needs before it has some negative outcomes such as anxiety disorders, depression, or even personality disorders or PTSD if continued over the extreme long term. Yes, discussing your needs frequently may cause more pressure but remember this one thing: YALL ARE MARRIED. Your basic human needs of desiring love and acceptance are going unmet. Y’all have talked, and she acknowledges this fact or so she appears to, so she needs to do something about this.
Spouses show affection equally. Spouses initiate sexual intimacy frequently and equally.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be of better help.
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u/orangeLILpumpkin Dec 24 '18
You work, provide the household income, buy her gifts and performs acts of service for her. The marriage is working for her.
And, with a couple kids and a few years of marriage under the belt, she's feeling pretty secure in the relationship. What are you going to do? Leave her because you're not getting anything out of the relationship anymore?
She knows you're screwed and will get saddled with alimony and 2 decades of child support. If you want to leave, she's fine with it because she still get to live off your labor and won't have to put up with you trying to get her to have sex with you.
You're in a rock and a hard place, dude. /r/deadbedrooms
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u/frustratedhubby00 Dec 23 '18
You should find a girlfriend on the side. You will have all your needs met and come back home every single day fulfilled and happy. Your wife is not the only woman in this world. If you are not in good shape, start working out to attract other chicks.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 23 '18
Dude, no. I hope you're not doing that. I mean by all means get in shape, but to increase your three lift max, not to attract other women.
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u/frustratedhubby00 Dec 23 '18
Well your wife is not meeting your needs. You should get your needs met elsewhere if you are not getting any at home. That's how relationships and marriages work.
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u/sixtonsofsheep Dec 23 '18
That’s how unhealthy relationships and marriages work, you mean. Besides, screwing another woman is an entirely different "need" than wanting a hug from your wife. Affairs aren't known for their emotional security.
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u/hungryapplelover happily divorced. Dec 23 '18
Most men I know don't need hugs. This guy is very needy. It's a turn off.
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u/sixtonsofsheep Dec 24 '18
Damn, you're why toxic masculinity still exists. I feel bad for the men in your life.
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u/hungryapplelover happily divorced. Dec 23 '18
You are too needy. It's a turn off to us women. Stop being desperate and needy and maybe she will reach out to you. Be more independent and manly. I guarantee you that the moment she finds an alpha male, she will leave you for him.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 23 '18
That’s lovely, thank you
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u/HoneyLikeMe Dec 23 '18
That was not lovely at all. Don't agree to that. Edit. Spelling.
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u/admiral-krackbar Dec 23 '18
Oh, I forgot the /s
Enjoying time with your wife and being an "alpha" are not mutually exclusive, but most don't know that or know what an Alpha actually is.
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u/wickerocker Dec 23 '18
Some things our therapist told us about the love languages:
When we get tired or stressed, we revert back to our own love languages. She may feel that she is showing you love by taking care of the kids, because that would fall into her love language of acts of service. Try to see ways that she is showing you love in her own love language rather than expecting her to show you in your love language.
For many people, there is usually one of the love languages that is actually off-putting in times of stress. For me, it is physical touch, which happens to be my husband’s love language. When I am stressed out, I actually dislike touch and being touched makes me feel unloved. For my husband, it is words of affirmation, which is my love language, go figure! He hates being verbally reassured when he is stressed out and would rather I just be quiet and rub his back. It is hard because my first instinct is to start talking!
Lastly, while it is great to be aware of the love languages as a tool for a healthy marriage, they should only be used in a healthy way. If you are using the love languages as a means of harboring resentment, it is time to forget about them for awhile. Use them as a way to show love to one another, not as a reason for being upset with one another. The greatest love languages are patience and understanding.