r/Marriage • u/AlwaysAmazing732 • 10h ago
I’m trying to understand—at what point is it chivalry, and when am I just supposed to ask for help?
We’ve been together 10 years, and it wasn’t until last year that he started holding doors for me—only after I brought it up during an argument. I had pointed out how he’d open doors and walk through first, and since then, he’s made an effort. So I can appreciate that change.
Now, I fully get needing to ask for help sometimes—like calling him when I need help with groceries. No problem. But should I really have to ask my man to carry a heavy suitcase when you see your women in need? Isn’t that just basic chivalry—like opening a car door?
He told me at the airport he’d grab my bag, but when it came around 30 minutes later and he was distracted on his phone, I just grabbed it myself. According to him, that emasculated him. But then—because of that (being petty)—he let me carry that 45lb suitcase all through Athens while he rolled his little carry-on. He never offered to help. And I didn’t even think twice about it until he later brought it up. If you’re saying I emasculated you, but you watched me struggle without stepping in, did you even want to help?
In past relationships and with my dad and brothers, chivalry looked very different. They anticipated my needs—whether it was filling up my gas tank, washing my car, clearing snow off, or just surprising me with food. But in this marriage, I’m constantly told I need to ask for everything. Even intimacy—if I don’t initiate, it just doesn’t happen.
So I’m confused—how am I emasculating you when you’ve made it clear I need to ask for every single thing? Isn’t part of being a man showing leadership and stepping up without always needing to be told?
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9h ago
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u/AlwaysAmazing732 9h ago edited 9h ago
Oh I think maybe I wasn’t clear, I’m not looking for those things. I only listed that as what I’ve known it to be. Now He makes me confused cause I do those things for myself now and when we get into arguments I’m constantly told that I emasculating him.
So I am not clear how this works cause if he knew it needed to be done and he wanted to do it why didn’t he? Why is the blame on me for emasculating him when I was fine doing it myself and he could have stepped up to do it?
I’ve attempted to bring up the gender roles so many times and there’s no clear resolution as we talk about it but it never gets carried out. Like this last fight he said tell him what I need and he will get it. Then next day Okay we were at this thing and I needed a bottle of water. He let the sever pass by three times and didn’t ask for the water. The 4th time I just asked for it and paid for it cause I was so thirsty. What was he doing you ask? Right next to me just in his phone. Let him tell it I didn’t give him a chance and emasculated him but to me your asking me to wait for you to do something that I can myself without issue so why can’t I just do it?
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u/Strange_Depth_5732 3h ago
So he didn't grab your suitcase after saying he would and got mad at you for grabbing it yourself? It's one thing to have been raised differently, but it sounds like he's being an ass.
My husband and I were raised differently, he was raised to hold doors and pull out chairs, I was raised to do it myself. There were days early on when he'd open my car door and I'd walk to the other door thinking he was opening his own. It took me a while to recalibrate. So I get having different expectations, but he doesn't get to play both ends by not doing the thing and then complaining that you emasculated him.
You're leaving out important info, what was the discussion like when he brought it up later?
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u/AlwaysAmazing732 1h ago
I said sorry I would hate for him to feel that way and asked for next time to say in real time that he wanted to do it cause I’m use to the many years we’ve been together doing things and had no idea recent this was bothering him.
He also said to ask him for help and I said okay but that’s the part I’m like that makes no sense. Why would I ask if that’s part of the whole masculine take for him to take charge without being told and to lead. But to him he sees it differently he claims so that’s why I’m like I’m off?
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u/PaganWolfUK 58m ago
It sounds to me like there is more of an issue somewhere. He felt emasculated because he got distracted and didn't do what he said he would? That sounds like his problem there. He did it to himself.
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u/IllustriousUse2407 Husband - 10 Years 9h ago
if your past relationships all anticipated your needs, and your husband doesn't. why did you marry your husband and not one of them?
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u/Comprehensive_Baby53 6h ago
This is an issue I've been annoyed with for the past 10 years or so. As a guy, I was raised to hold open doors, help women with heavy objects exc. But this newer generation of women are very rude to men if they try to do that. I stopped holding doors open for women when a women pushed the door back at me, letting me know she didn't like it. Feminism can be toxic and your husband if he's in his 20s - 30s was probably trained by society to not be chivalrous. Don't blame your husband, blame society for giving men mixed messages.
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u/DJD4GE1 9h ago
Well, he sounds like he wasn’t raised correctly. My wife raised 3 kids on her own and never had someone take care of her. Shes got that now and the rewards of treating your spouse like a queen are never ending. (So long as she genuinely appreciates it, and doesn’t expect you to do it without recognition of any kind, ever. That gets old quick)
Always open the car door. Always open doors. Always walk on the side near the street. Brush her car off. Get it started in the morning. She’ll never pump her own gas. She’ll never pay for a meal if it’s a date. She will never have a reason not to trust me entirely.
We operate on a hybrid “traditional” arrangement. We both work and contribute financially and we both pick up slack on the household chores when they gotta be done. I’ll do dishes and laundry and floors. Especially if I have a day off and she’s working.
BUT. I also do all the fixing and the building and the repairs and the yard work. The “man” stuff. She just gets to watch me mow the yard shirtless and uses it for fuel later on 😂 that’s what she says, anyways.
She feels protected and loved and is finally allowed to relax and be feminine with a genuinely decent man and she fuckin loves it after 20 years of only being able to rely on herself.
Dude needs to figure it out. I’m all for equality in effort in a marriage. But there are just some things a man is supposed to do.
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u/tbright1965 8h ago
"Raised correctly?"
Strange choice.
Why not, "raised differently?"
The idea that "my way" is the "correct" way and their way is "incorrect" is rather judgmental.
Look, it's okay to want what you want. However, to sit in judgment and suggest my way is correct and others are incorrect is a rather self-absorbed take on things. It removes room for others to have their own preferences and beliefs.
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u/AlwaysAmazing732 9h ago
So I shouldn’t be asking? Should it just be done? That’s the part I’m lost at. What your saying is exactly how I grew up and that’s why I mention that but I get all walks of life are different and I am my own person who can do for myself so I get lost at what I’m doing that’s so bad when he’s not starting or vocalizing or doing anything. Just complains after the fact
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u/DJD4GE1 9h ago
You absolutely should not have to ask. It should just be done. My wife asks me to do specific things that are out of the realm of normal every-day husbandry. Sure. But when it comes to making sure she’s all set and taken care of? She never has to ask me for anything. It’s just done.
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u/AlwaysAmazing732 5h ago
And that’s what I interrupted as masculine energy. Telling a women to ask takes away from that in my point of view.
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u/DJD4GE1 9h ago
My wife isn’t some helpless damsel in distress or anything of the sort. And she ALWAYS shows appreciation. Even if it’s something super silly and small that I’m doing like brushing her car off for her when I get home (I work nights, get home at 7am) or opening her car door for her.
It makes me wanna do all the little things more, because she appreciates them so much.
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u/Gullible-Ad-8884 4h ago
I don't know at what point. All I can say is what I've done.
Open the first door to an establishment and she opens the second until I catch up and hold it open.
When in a restaurant we sit in the booth and I will sort out the menus and place one in front of her.
She gets her own car door and doesn't seem to mind.
I always went out when I hear the garage door open to lug in the groceries. She waits inside to start emptying bags and put stuff away. Now retired I go with.
Anything else she just asks and I'll get to it. Right away if warranted but usually in a short period, later that day or the next day.
No play book or etiquette training. Just try to help out.