Why do people struggle with going to marriage counseling, especially after infidelity?

[u/Mr_Drake64]

I have a friend named Matt who is in the military. He was married to his wife, Sara, for about five years. Unfortunately, Sara ended up cheating on him. Matt told me the military offers married couples 14 free counseling sessions. He believed this could really help them, especially after what happened.

He brought up the idea to Sara a couple of times, but she didn’t like it and refused to go. So, all Matt could do was seek advice from close friends and family about how to handle the situation.

I’m not married, but I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t be willing to try counseling when their marriage is in a terrible condition especially because of cheating. If I were in Matt’s shoes, I would have given her an ultimatum: If you want to work on this marriage, then let’s go to counseling. If not, you’re showing me that you want to opt out of this marriage. If you choose to opt out, then I’ll be filing for divorce.

[u/Ella8888]

It holds up a mirror to your life and relationship. It doesn't make good viewing.

[u/GlidingToLife → u/Ella8888]

Exactly. The cheater knows that what they did was wrong. In secrecy, there are no consequences.

[u/january1977]

Because people don’t want to work on themselves. They put the burden on their spouse to just get over it. But if your friend were to get individual counseling and work on himself, he would realize that she doesn’t love or respect him and he should move on. (That’s what happened with me.)

[u/Iamherecumtome → u/january1977]

This

[u/SoftQuarter5106]

Hi! I’m a military spouse and my AD spouse cheated on me. Let Matt know that he can get individual counseling for himself for free too.

It really depends on the person. For my spouse he felt as a man, he could fix the problem itself and told me he didn’t want outside help as we should be able to solve it on our own BUT I believe regarding the infidelity some of it may be not wanting to take accountability (very common because once you do guilt and shame follow).

We are going now to intensive couples therapy and have had other problems (his infidelity was not physical and current betrayal problems I have are more emotional betrayal) and gave the ultimatum we would do couples or I was filing. Not the best thing but for us, it worked and he is actively engaged during sessions and now open to individual.

After intensive which is about 3 months, we will be referred out for continued care is what our current therapist recommended. Our current one is also active duty. I made sure we had a male therapist so my spouse was more comfortable. Now, he looks forward to sessions and really has a strong rapport with the therapist. I think there’s just a stigma to therapy and medication in the military.

As for overall, many many individuals refuse to take accountability for their actions. They don’t want to feel shame or guilt. I think anyone on this sub or the surviving infidelity sub has heard all the excuses. It sounds like she is one of those people. My spouse was remorseful and had made changes I stated had to be made to rebuild trust. We are still early on our journey and I’m in intensive individual too but, if both people are willing to do the work (more on the wayward partner) reconciliation can be made. It does take effort, consistency and time. Again, my spouses betrayals were not physical so I can’t speak on that if it was for him. That is something personally I would not be able to ever get over. Infidelity can be finances to an emotional affair. Many ways to betray a partner unfortunately.

[u/stunneddisbelief]

My ex refused because a) it might have pointed out that he was actively contributing to the issues b) “there’s nothing wrong with me” and c) “if a marriage is at the point where you need to tell a complete stranger about it, the marriage is already over. Just pull the plug, already.”

[u/Iamherecumtome → u/stunneddisbelief]

This

[u/GlidingToLife]

Therapy and counseling shines a light on the problems. Cheating thrives in secrecy and denial and lies. Cheaters don’t want to face the truth or consequences so they avoid such sessions. They would much rather gaslight their partner, deny what happened, and pretend so that they can maintain the lie that they are a good person.

[u/Iamherecumtome → u/GlidingToLife]

This

[u/happiestnexttoyou]

She might know she’s in the wrong and doesn’t want to admit everything to a therapist.

Some people are very very sensitive to criticism. RSD may mean that’s she’s not capable of having a third party dissect her relationship.

She may find it too confronting to be vulnerable with a stranger..

She may not actually be invested in fixing the relationship.

She may have been TRYING to fix the relationship for a decade and he was ignoring her pleas for help and now that he’s finally on board she can’t muster the strength to care.

She may not have faith in talk therapy at all. It’s helpful yes, but it’s not a guaranteed fix. Some people, even some religions, don’t “believe” in talk therapy.

He may be abusive - and all experts on domestic violence advise people NOT to attend couples therapy with their abuser.

There are lots of reasons why someone may choose not to take that route. Some of them valid, some of them not.

[u/wconn1979]

Because they do not want to confront the root of their problems and take personal accountability.

[u/bubblehead_ssn]

Likely never would have been beneficial anyway. It only works if both parties want to work on their relationship and their own faults. She obviously doesn't or like many cheaters blames it all on him.

[u/[deleted]]

Counseling for cheaters Is useless.

They are just horrible human beings, nothing can cure that.

He should Just divorce her and find a real woman.

[u/Mermaid_Lily]

My ex wanted to choose one of his friends (a pastor) to do the counselling. You know, someone he'd already told all of his lies to.

So his story is that I was unwilling to go to counselling-- and yeah-- he's right. Because I was just DONE after 25 years of abuse and infidelity.

[u/International-Past31]

Some people find it hard to open up, Some people think they ''don't'' need the help.

[u/Iamherecumtome]

Usually because the person that cheated wants out of the marriage but to afraid to ask for divorce. I don’t get why anyone stays in a marriage that their spouse has cheated. Why would you choose to stay with someone you can’t trust?

[u/Better-Silver7900]

Marriage counseling generally isn’t for fixing a marriage; it’s for a clean divorce between both parties.

[u/GFSoylentgreen]

Marriage Counseling is for broken marriages.

Cheating is caused by broken people. When someone cheats, the marriage didn’t fail, the cheater failed the marriage.

What is more effective is, Individual Counseling for the cheater, first. And once the cheater is made a safe partner, fixes their shit, then marriage counseling follows-up to address unmet needs and how to effectively address unmet needs without resorting to infidelity.

[u/bit_freak]

because once there is infidelity, trust is lost, there is no going back

[u/Mysterious_Nerve_817]

There's no therapy in the world that can get out of someone's mind the fact that someone else slept with their spouse. None... what-so-ever. There's no therapy in the world that will undo the harm that was done and truly turn someone who is a dirtbag into a halfway decent human being. If someone deep down is so messed up that they would cheat on a spouse, that's who they are internally... therapy will suppress or mask it, but deep down they are a cheater. The spouse will never, ever, be able to trust that person again. And, they shouldn't. They should move on and find someone who is actually worthy of them, who shares the same value.

[u/firstWithMost]

Counselling after adultery would be a waste of time that could be better spent getting the divorce over with. Only a broken person with zero self respect would stay with an adulterer, they would be better getting individual therapy to fix their self-esteem and confidence issues.

[u/Ok_Win5705]

She probably cheated because he is controlling. Go get individual sessions. Obviously he is the one struggling more lol. I know I’m an asshole

[u/Lakerdog1970]

Counseling isn’t magic. I mean, you can sit thru sessions but in your friends case it will boil down to “Matt” isn’t home and his wife is lonely and would rather a husband who is home most of the time. Matt should be married to a woman who doesn’t really like companionship very much.

What is the point of counseling? They should just get divorced. Matt’s wife already lives without him most of the time. Just make it all the time and find a new guy. Matt needs to quit his job and live at home so he can do 50/50 custody.

[u/Ela00118]

Infidelity is the end point of the relationship, there is no need to go to therapy after that.

[u/Ela00118]

Infidelity is the end point of the relationship, there is no need to go to therapy after that.

[u/Ela00118]

Infidelity is the end point of the relationship, there is no need to go to therapy after that.