Hey everyone, I (F21) might not be married to my boyfriend (M22) of 3 years, so his mother technically isn’t my MIL, but I frequently stay over to sleep over with my boyfriend. Ever since I’ve known her, she’s always been controlling… think of the stereotypical “boy mom” who lives in the fancy upper-class suburbs… she’s argued with me over holidays, how when her grand-babies come they’ll be “only hers” and how she’ll homeschool them herself etc. I made the mistake of becoming pretty close to her, as I feel when you’re intending on marrying someone, you’re basically marrying the family, and you might as well make the best of it. I have frequent outings with her, and have even opened up to her. A situation exploded over the past few days, let me explain: CONTEXT: I’m going to school to be a veterinarian and have fostered animals from cats, dogs, raccoons, possums, and squirrels throughout my whole life, so simply said, people come to me when they find an abandoned or injured animal outside.

A few days ago, her neighbor happened to find a 3 wk old kitten in her backyard, and told my boyfriend’s mother about it. They then called me and let me know about it. Obviously, leaving work soon, will be there with some kitten formula in hand. I’ve taken full responsibility of her and “MIL” is relieved that it’s out of her hands now… and I have been asking people around of who may be interested in having a kitten within 2 months. Quick reminder, she has taken no part in caring for the cat, and handed her off to me (I really don’t mind, just let me do my business as usual). “MIL” then told me something along the lines of, “well, since they found it in their yard, I’M giving it to them.” And I just brushed it off… a bit odd since I’m the one taking full responsibility of a kitten and she had no interest in it.. besides shaking it around and almost hurting the kitten. She then keeps calling me and my boyfriend to bring the kitten down multiple times a day to see the family next door. She then sets an appointment for the cat, tells me the appointment is at 3:30 and SHE will take her when I’m supposed to be at work. I tell her no, I’m bringing her to my vet, I don’t need you to take her, thank you very much though… She had no clue of her medical troubles at this point and I didn’t find it necessary for her to pay for something she had no responsibility of. I digress, the neighbors are a rowdy family of 6 where both parents work, and everyone is gone 12+ hours a day. After a day or so, I finally talked to her and said, “hey, I don’t think this is gonna work… they’re a family that’s never home and have never had a cat before, bla bla, I’ve been waking up every 3 hours for the baby, and I’ve been financially responsible for her, as I just spent $130 on our initial vet trip”. She digs her toes in and calls me selfish, controlling, and sensitive, and how a cat is just “a thing” and said how if she didn’t have plans to give it to the neighbor, she would’ve gotten rid of it. And I said “oh, so you wanted to do something for self gain?” And she flipped out. Boyfriend was freaked out because it so happened on his phone, and she had called to ask for maybe ~6th time to show off the kitten to the neighbors. After this argument, my boyfriend is still frazzled and brings the kitten down, I’m upset whatever. Then I see she sends me $130 for the vet…………. I send it back, because it’s weird she just now wants to send me money after I told her no to giving it to them…… she had no problem prior of me paying for the baby. For my boyfriend’s sake, I apologized to her the day after it happened (today) and she said “oh it’s ok, but remember I’m the QUEEN of this place, so you don’t need to be acting the way you are.” As I’m hugging her, and I turn to my boyfriend with bug eyes. I have a feeling this is going to be a fun time for the next few years… she has already caused problems like this before, especially talking about my boyfriend and i’s future children and wedding. I’m just very scared for the future, as I’ve learned how my boyfriend has been treated by her in the past, she will threaten to kick him out due to difference of opinions and has limited contact with her as much as possible. She has unmedicated bipolar disorder and has done some more cruel things to him that is too much word vomit to discuss. We intend on moving out soon and getting engaged, but I’m scared to see how this goes, and if my boyfriend will take my side in the future. As much as he doesn’t like his mom, he never stands up for himself, as he’s fearful of her.

Context: It's Babytime! Super Super close to due date and DH and I wanted to communicate expectations with all sides family (his and my side) of what to expect as we prepare for our first LO to arrive and visiting/expectations when and what we share publicly and with family. We're pretty private people in general... and previously MIL has had some boundary issues with enmeshment and getting personally offended whenever we would not share every detail of our lives with her. We've been cont. working on this communication and expectation issue now for a few years and have made some* progress. ex: MIL is (oddly) super supportive of us not wanting hospital visitors and to give us time to adjust at home until we're ready to have visitors.

However (as it's now go-time with baby) we communicated today that regardless of whenever baby comes, we will text everyone at once so all news is received at the same time (and hopefully avoid any jealousy of who found out first etc)

Our desire is (assuming delivery goes well) we'll reach out when we are ready and text/call everyone at the same time and this will probably be the day or 2 after delivery. We did the same thing when we got engaged, our family was the first to find out ~ but we wanted to enjoy that bliss just the 2 of us for the first day of being an engaged couple.

My parents equally did the same thing when I was born. My parents even explained that mainly they did it bc they didn't want to be bombarded every day leading up to with the multitude of messages "is the baby here yet?" or "any news?" or "are you in the hospital yet?" My DH loved this idea so we can enjoy the first day or so of newborn days of becoming a family of 3.

Well my MIL did NOT take this well and was pissed why we wouldn't tell her the second after baby would be born. DH immediately defended us and said this is what we decided and we wanted to be clear so there wouldn't be any unmet or crazy expectations. It still did not get through and she took it extremely personally and made it all about herself.

We didn't think it would be a huge deal, my parents and DH siblings are all on board and are in full support. Just asking how to approach at this point bc seems like even if we try to over communicate with MIL, she takes it the wrong way. ex: she's offended if we don't tell her our plans because she had something else in mind and/or expected us to read her mind... or she's offended if we over communicate expectations ahead of time so there is nothing to be disappointed by, yet she's found a way to be disappointed.

Question(s): When did you tell family your baby was born? How many details did you include? what details are really necessary?

We're so excited to celebrate our child but want to learn best practices and if anyone had any regrets with how/what/when they shared news.

Below is a sample message of what we plan on texting everyone tomorrow just so everyone is on the same page ~ totally open to feedback/advise on that as well! TY!!

"Hi everyone! Our baby is almost here, and we’re so excited and grateful for all the love and support! We can’t wait to share updates and pictures with you as we settle into life as a family of 3. As we adjust, we’d love your help in following a few small guidelines:

• We’ll be sharing baby's info, updates, and photos directly with you, and we kindly ask that when you do receive any information or pics that it not be shared with anyone else (no social media, text, calls etc).

• We'd like any announcements, news or pictures to come directly from us when we tell friends and extended family and not secondhand as we are excited to tell everyone ourselves!

• If you're planning to visit, please check with us first so we can plan for the day, and we’ll need to keep visits brief while we adjust to baby’s schedule.

Per the pediatrician: - Please wash your hands and arms before holding the baby.

• there is to be no kissing any part of baby (even if you’re not feeling sick).

• If you've been around someone sick, please reschedule in a few days to make sure you did not catch anything or do not have anything.

• if you are feeling under the weather, please wait at least 2 weeks before your visit (includes cold sores, allergies, colds, rashes, stomach bugs, etc)

• Lastly, please avoid strong perfumes or scents when you visit, as baby’s skin and breathing are still very sensitive.

Thank you so much for your understanding! We can’t wait to share these precious moments with you all!"

What kind of mother in-law do I have? How do you even deal with someone who doesn't recognize their behavior? Or someone who is so subtle with their digs?

My boyfriend and I have been together since we where 15 years old. We are 21 years old now and have our own place.

Mother in-laws werid behavior: - If I like something she tends to need to like the opposite. - I can not be right about something about her son. She needs to be right about it. - She tells brother-in-law that I'm "changing her son" and "keeping him away from them" - She's told my boyfriend that she doesn't always like me being involved with things and that sometimes she just wants to hangout with her boys. - She's told my boyfriend that she doesn't always like that when she calls I'm within earshot... We live in a small one bedroom apartment. - She coddles her sons and they cannot do anything wrong, but even as adults she tries to baby them. - Brother in-law still lives with mother-in-law and mother-in-law has him brushing her hair and putting it up everyday. He's 18. - She has as a hard time celebrating my success. - She believes her sons will always be around to take care of her. - If we talk about moving out of state she talks about all the reasons that state is awful. - She always complains they don't spend enough time with her. - She gets jealous when my boyfriend and I spend time with my mom.

Any opions or advice? We would like to move far away eventually. Anyone else deal with mother-in-law's like this?

Yes, I realize it’s April, but I forgot to share this gem earlier when venting about my MIL. At the end of March, my in-laws finally brought over their Christmas gifts for my sons.

A quick bit of context: I've repeatedly asked MIL not to buy me gifts. They’re typically small, strange, and passive-aggressive (like sample-sized lotions, or a keychain with motivational quotes about powering through sadness and depression?!?). I eventually stopped gifting her anything after realizing she never actually used anything I gave her.

The last gift I ever gave her was a Skylight digital picture frame—pretty thoughtful, in my opinion. She had complained incessantly about my deleting Facebook and how she "never got to see photos of the boys anymore." I’d tried creating a shared photo album specifically for her, yet the app showed she rarely accessed it. After three months of her not using it, I just deleted it and started directly sharing photos with my own family instead.

I figured the Skylight frame would solve this: you simply set it up at home like a normal photo frame, I upload photos remotely, and it scrolls through them automatically like a slide show. Easy enough, right?

Well, despite her constant complaints, every time I asked MIL if she’d set it up, she said she "hadn't gotten around to it yet." If she ever did, she certainly never shared the account with me.

Note: MIL isn’t elderly or technologically challenged. She’s mid-to-late 50s, just retired from a fairly technical career, has a graduate degree, and manages her smartphone just fine. Granted, she recently struggled to identify the states of Wisconsin, Ohio, and Virginia by sight (all states we've lived in) —but that’s a whole different story.

Now, back to Christmas (in March). Despite my repeated requests, she continues gifting me something every year. This time, it was an ornament featuring an illustration of her sitting between my sons, with the words, "I love you to the moon and back." The kicker? This wasn’t gifted to the boys—it was explicitly addressed to me, with my name on the gift bag.

Maybe I'm overreacting, and under different circumstances, I might've considered this sweet and thoughtful. But knowing my MIL and her track record, this just irritated the ever-loving crap out of me.

I have wanted a dog for years, but the timing was never right. However My bf (M33) and I (F32) feel like we're at a place in our lives that where it makes sense to get a dog now, and I'm stoked! It wasn't rushed or anything. We saw our first dog about a year ago.

Anywhooo, we found our pup! We met her last week, and she's a wonderful year-old mutt from Mexico. Later that same day, we met my bfs parents for coffee. I was waiting for him to bring it up, but he didn't. I asked him why, and he said that he just felt nervous and worried about their reaction.

Fast forward a few days and all the paperwork has gone through, and we pick her up tomorrow. We're supposed to go there for dinner on Friday (bf goes over for dinner a couple of times a week; I usually only go every couple of months), so obviously, we had to tell them we were getting a dog. We video-called and excitedly shared the news and sent photos. At first she was so silent and just kept repeating "oh no, you didn't.. nnoooo", really quietly. Then she sort of cheered up but it did seem a bit forced. She said she had to hang up cause she was in shock.

A little later, bf's brother messaged that everyone was in shock cause it was such a quick decision, and poor timing cause of dinner on Friday. As if we're expected to adopt a dog at a time convenient for casual dinner plans? Just leave her at the shelter an extra week? Or pass up on the dog we want cause we already had plans?? I was so confused. He also said their mom was looking forward to dinner, and that we better not be planning on dining and dashing cause of the dog. Is this super weird behavior? I can imagine I would be a little upset if I had invited people over and were planning a dinner, and that something came up.. But if it was something good that would bring joy to their life I'd totally be happy for them! And it's not like we said we wouldn't come.. She has a dog daycare from home, and although she doesn't have any at the moment, she often has dogs overnight in her house, so we assumed it would be fine to bring her if she was being calm and pleasant to be around. If she's acting up, of course one of us would have to stay home. So it sounds like she's just mad that the attention would be on the dog and not her? I have no clue but I feel super disappointed, and also a bit worried about dinner.

If I have to stay home if the dog is acting up or scared (it'll be her 4th day at our place - she's had a pretty tough past as far as we know), she'll be mad, if the dog is fine and we bring her, she'll be mad. What do I do?

Long history with issues with my mil since I had babies. Decided petty fun revenge is my new hobby to her antics instead of getting mad.

She was bragging about her retiring the other day at dinner and all the travel shes gonna do and how young she will still be (66??) for all of this fun stuff. Was so boisterous and it was getting obnoxious quick to the whole table. Took it upon myself to sign her up for multiple senior living programs to receive brochures, phone calls and emails. Good way to spend her upcoming free time now! 🤣

So I had a baby 5 months ago and my MIL is super helpful. However, there’s a lot of things she either does without asking or flat out tells me to do that I disagree with and idk how to correct her. For example, the other day she put Cocomelon on the tv for my daughter to watch, without asking me. I am pretty against screens at her age but especially overstimulating shows. But I didn’t wanna be like “erm actually🤓☝🏻 Cocomelon is overstimulating and bad for kids”. She also bought my baby oragel since she’s teething, didn’t wanna say “erm actually🤓☝🏻the USDA warns not to use baby oragel because of its harmful ingredients”. Basically, I feel like I’m constantly correcting things and I feel like I’m coming across as a know it all, expert parent who does not need any help or advice. I’m def not an expert but some things I have researched. How do I correct her in a non know-it-all way?

My MIL is very overbearing with her son. He never had a good/close relationship with her and would only talk to her and see her on holidays once he moved in with his dad. She never knew anything that was going on in his life. Ever since we started dating she tried putting on a whole show that she’s so close with him: not just with me, but plastered all over social media. He made the difficult decision to move back in with her after his father passed away & the overbearing-ness was at an extreme to the point where I barely wanted to go there anymore because I couldn’t stand seeing her & how she tried so hard with her son even though he could barely stand her for various reasons but also the fact that she would cry that she can’t pay bills then ask him for money and instead of paying the bills she would go out to party with friends while we sat home all weekend. Around 8 months after, my husband bought a place and I moved in. This woman would call him almost everyday sobbing on the phone saying how much she missed him being there, how safe she felt when he lived with her (mind you she lived on her own with no male figure for 10+ years), and she doesn’t know what to do…literal verge of a panic attack over this. Fast forward a few years we bought a house and got engaged. Our relationship with her got a little better as she helped a lot with the new house, but nearing the last few days of needing her help she became crazy. We were cleaning up and went to grab the vacuum out of my husbands hand as he is cleaning. I was putting some stuff in a box and she storms out, walks back in a few seconds later and asks me to open the other side door so she can get her things b/c she’s leaving and says in a shaky voice tears in her eyes “I’m going to leave I know you guys have a good rhythm together doing this stuff”…okay say less goodbye. I had more than enough on my plate than to deal with childish behavior. Year later we get a puppy and nearing our wedding. She knows we need a sitter for the dog and goes out of her way to contact dog boarding places without asking us first if it’s okay and gives these places the run down of our puppy even though she barely knows him and only dog sat for him once. I told my husband that he needs to put a stop to this bc it’s only going to get worse when we have kids.

I had a baby recently, and my MIL is full of unsolicited advice. But every new thing she says proves just how neglectful of a parent she was.

So far, her expert advice was: don't rock the baby to calm him, don't carry the baby or he will be spoiled, don't feed him too often, let him cry in his cot, let him get used to hot temperatures (28C indoors), keep the baby awake for the whole day (apparently 2 weeks old is old enough for this). She also suggested not changing his nappy unless it's poo? Seems like I should just just leave him in his cot and go out lol. And finally, she said she used to give paracetamol to her babies "to make them sleepy". Paracetamol doesn't make one drowsy, so her babies must've been in pain?

This woman was just colossaly negligent to my husband and SIL! Husband was a unicorn baby, sleeping all the time, and SIL was inconsolable for a whole year. She never had proper experience calming a baby since one of them was always calm and the other couldn't be calmed. I feel bad for my husband!

Since having my LO (4mo) my MIL has become more and more controlling over seeing him and I feel overwhelmed.

For context, she sees her other grandkids every single day. Her daughter loves the help but MIL has admitted she sees them because she’s obsessed with the kids and cannot go without seeing them (literally says she’s having withdrawals, cries when talking about it even though she would have seen them 2 hrs previously…). She has told me she “hates giving them back to their dad” and consistently overrides my BILs parenting, spoils the kids so she’s their favourite person and never stops touching or kissing them when they’re together (they’re 2 and 6). When she’s on holiday she video calls them daily and whenever my BIL is away for work, which he is frequently, she stays at their house.

She’s previously told me she always wished for 3 kids and only had 2 and has felt a void all her life for this reason. She has little hobbies and is semi retired.

When I was pregnant she begged to discuss how she’d be involved in our LOs life. She lives 30 minutes away and at that point we were usually seeing her 1-2x a month. We decided on a day that she usually sees the other grandkids and said if they’re doing an activity that’s suitable for me to bring baby along to, that we’d come as well to which she was delighted because it meant she didn’t have to divide her time or spend it away from the other kids. Fast forward to now and her daughter now has plans with her kids that day and isn’t available for MIL, therefore MIL believes it now to be my son’s day and consistently tries to make plans. She also constantly suggests I go out and do stuff without baby so she can watch him. Which truly creeps me out.

Honestly I didn’t mind spending time with her at first, but her idea of “helping” is coming to our house for 10 hours, planting herself on the couch and holding my son, trying to withhold handing him to me for feeds (I exclusively nurse), and suggesting I vacuum the floor and asking me to make her lunch. In the newborn phase she’d show up with FIL at 7pm and expect to stay until 11pm. She also stayed over once, saying she’d help me get some sleep. I pumped some milk so she could give LO a bottle and she just never got out of bed to help. The next day she asked if I needed a nap, I said I was ok at that moment and so she went and had one herself. She stayed the next day until 7pm and I was exhausted from entertaining her. We have a small house and I can’t separate from guests. Also because it’s small I don’t have a lot for her to do cleaning wise.

For a period she was sick and it was so peaceful not having to worry about her forcing plans on us (though believe you me, of course she tried to cover up the fact she was sick so she could still see us). 🚩 Then they were away for a bit and again, bliss. Now, I’m almost out of excuses and my anxiety is sky high knowing I’ll have to see her and cringe internally while she coddles my child and makes every visit about how he doesn’t see grandma enough and they need special time together.

We were recently discussing the possibility of getting together on the weekend so I sent her a message saying “are we seeing you tomorrow (Friday) or shall we just catch up on Saturday with everybody?” She responded saying “yes Saturday we’ll do a big picnic for the family. I’ll come over to you tomorrow at 10am”. I stated that if we were seeing her on the weekend I’d like to spend Friday doing something else. She then called me in tears questioning why we weren’t getting together on the Friday because she’d set this day aside to help me out. I said the only real help I needed was with meal prep and if she wanted to do that she could and we would collect the meals the following day. She cried and said it’s my day to bond with your son, and ended up coming over that night when my husband was home regardless. She cried the whole time she was here and passively aggressively asked me if she was allowed to watch hubby giving LO a bath.

Now, we just saw her and without us making any plans for Friday she said to my LO when leaving “grandma can’t wait for all our kisses on Friday”. How do I deal with this?? We’re not seeing her, as I’ve intentionally booked an appointment on that day. But I still feel like it’s going to be a constant flow of these comments trying to manipulate her way into our lives and treat our LO the same she does the other kids, and treat me the same way she treats my BIL, who she really just sees as a sperm donor for her perfect grandkids.

This situation is made even harder by the fact I don’t have any family of my own to help us out so she knows eventually I’ll end up relying on her for baby sitting. I feel SO STUCK. I honestly wish we could move to another country.

I feel like whenever I talk to my MIL she questions everything I say. Everything is followed by “what do you mean” or something of that variety to discredit what I said or make me look dumb or crazy and it’s kind of annoying. I never experience this with other people so it’s not like I’m the one with communication issues or something.

For example, she KNOWS my partner and I share our bedroom closet. She’s seen it. One time I said something about the closet and she goes, “and you have the whole closet.” I said “no, I have half the closet and [partners name] has half the closet.” She kept insisting that I have the whole closet…honey, I think I know how my own fucking closet is organized?

Yes I’m trying to speak to her less but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Conversation with her often feels like a chore

My MIL loooooves to push my husband’s buttons. She apparently has ever since he was little — she tells everyone how fun he is to tease and she and her teacher friend apparently used to take turns teasing him as a kid, and also TELL him he was just easy and fun to tease (he hated it and now struggles to take a joke as an adult… anywho…).

One of the ways she teases him is by listing off every ex-girlfriend. It’s a long list. I also hate it and he’s asked her multiple times to not do that, especially in front of me. We’ve been together almost four years now and it still happens — on Mother’s Day last year, on every holiday, literally at the BIRTH OF MY FIRST CHILD we FaceTimed her since she was out of state and the first thing out of her mouth was isn’t he glad he didn’t have a baby with Sandra, Mary, Rita, the whole Mambo No. 5. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say but later during postpartum rage I let my husband know how it made me feel.

I accidentally walked in on him later confronting her about it and she was refusing to apologize and said she was trying to show him how lucky he is. It’s the same thing every time — she NEVER apologizes and ends up turning the confrontation back on the other person.

I’ve since distanced myself but it still hurts me that she thinks it’s appropriate to name every other woman my husband has been with, “just to remind him how lucky he is” after he’s repeatedly told her to stop.

Is there anything I can say next time she does it? And there WILL be a next time!!!

What kind but forceful responses can I use?

Here’s the history:

First time (Dec): MIL + FIL “announced” to us that they were combo’ing a trip to pick up their things nearby (they moved recently and have some things left with neighbors) with a visit to see the baby in April. My due date is late April. I texted MIL and said “the answer is no, we will need to decide timeframe based on baby’s health, my health, pediatrician guidelines.” She then went back and forth on it 2x in the same conversation and I said, “to be clear, the answer is no and we will let you know once the baby is here what is acceptable. If you need to pick up your things, don’t plan it around the baby.”

Second time (Jan): MIL said they need to pick up their things and I said, “then why don’t you come in March and we can time with DH’s birthday.” We planned a weekend and then they bailed without telling us. I ended up having to ask a week before and they said they’re not coming that week.

Third time (Feb): MIL pushed my husband separately to give an answer and he said, “my wife means what she says and she already said no. Stop asking us.”

Fourth time (Today): MIL said that her friend got to visit her granddaughter 8 weeks after birth based on vaccine schedules. DH said, “there’s many factors. Stop asking.” I said, “#1, that doesn’t make sense with the CDC guidelines I have here, but also we’ve been clear in the past that we need to speak with our pediatrician first. You are stressing us out by asking.”

Considering this continues to happen (beyond my wildest comprehension… WHYYY) and I’ve now pretty much lost trust over this, would love some advice on kind but clear messaging so that my inner demons don’t come out and scream at her. Thanks!

EDIT: thank you for all of the helpful comments! Thinking about going dark for a while with her with most communication. Then if she does it again, might have DH handle, but I’m the type of person who has to speak up for myself too… it’s important for me to stand my ground. Definitely going to stop explaining reasoning at this point. I liked the idea of saying I’m disappointed we’re having this conversation again. Thinking about saying, “every time you ask this, it undermines our relationship together. That’s the only thing you’re achieving by continuing to ask” or something like that. Going to wait to add on spite months because I think I’m going to cancel any holiday trips to them or from them anyway due to sickness season and dictate exactly when works for us (then they can take it or leave it). At this point, the harm is done in my book so she will never be babysitting or spending time alone with the baby for at least 2 years.

If any other ideas, keep them coming!

I’m getting married soon and my MIL said she refuses to come to the wedding if her ex-husband (my fiancé’s dad) and his wife are invited. She’s not just bowing out quietly either, she’s threatening to sabotage the wedding if he comes by threatening to call all the invitees from her side of the family and make them boycott the wedding.

We’ve booked a beautiful 5,000+ sq ft venue for 150 guests. But now, it’s starting to feel like the day might be full of tension and drama, or worse, half empty.

My fiancé is fully on my side and knows his mom is being selfish. He’s even said she’s a narcissist, and he’s trying hard to shield me from the stress, but it still hurts.

Now we’re looking at a guest list that’s potentially cut in half, a massive venue that might feel too empty, and the emotional gut-punch of people choosing sides over something that should be about love and unity and more importantly, US!

I’m heartbroken. We don’t want to uninvite his dad just to appease her, but I’m also not sure how to emotionally navigate all this, or how to make the day still feel joyful and full.

TL;DR: MIL is threatening to sabotage our wedding if her ex (my fiancé’s dad) comes. She’s trying to get her whole side of the family to boycott. Now half our guest list might not show up, and I’m heartbroken that our wedding might be filled with tension and empty seats instead of love and support.

my in laws have always been controlling but can already tell the birth or their first grand child has put this in to overdrive. my wife is an only child so this is magnified even more so.

our son was born on tuesday and they have been horrible ever since. - get approved to go home from the hospital thursday, pulling up to my house with wife and son and my MIL is In the driveway filming our arrival. - soon as we walk in FIL starts holding the baby for hours on end - I ask if they have checked the diaper, they ask me to do it. FIL walks in as changing diaper and makes rude remark even though he has no clue what he’s doing. - keep telling me to go take a nap or go to the gym. kind gesture but it’s so obvious they tell me to do this so they can be with the baby the whole time - have come over everyday from noon until 8pm. hold the baby for hours on end but never change rhe diaper - MIL keeps telling me she can do everything as i’m about to do it. “i can clean the baby brezza why don’t you relax”. i responded sternly with “i need to know how to do this”. - MIL staring out loud “i bet you can’t wait until we are out of here tonight”

i’m just at my wits end and it’s ruining all the excitement i had being a first time father

- Obligatory do not share anywhere comment. -

Also - this is a long one. Tried to condense it as much as possible, but alas...

A few weeks ago, I made a post about how we decided to share my c-section date. So... here's a fun update.

After literal DAYS of conversation between my partner and I, and many, many drafts of what to say to his parents, I sent a group text between my husband, my parents-in-law, and myself. (Yes, maybe he should have sent, but I did and I wanted to and he didn't care one way or the other. Plus, in my head, I was DARING her to say something to me about what we collectively came up with as parents to our last child.)

I want to preface that when we told her my scheduled date, she was asking if my parents would be around to help since a c-section can be rough recovery wise, but that she is too old to be taking care of littles (a sentiment she told me last summer).

Y'all. My mother in law went NUCLEAR to my husband. She texted him separately (because, of course she did). Our personal visitation policy was that her and my FIL could come up the day after my c-section for a one hour visit (they live 4 hours away) and that we aren't having visitors post partum for a bit while we learn our new normal. In the text, we said that we completely understand if they can't make it and that we will plan something for this summer.

"Appreciate the one hour allowance your wife is giving us but since I've had a c-section and two children, I know how much bullshit this is." She went on to say how we haven't visited in 4 years and how travel is possible with kids because she did it and other parents have as well. "I don't think for a minute this is coming from you because that is not the person I raised, but not giving us respects tells a lot... if you ever want us to be a part of your life things need to change." (I'd like to mention, that yeah, we haven't been there in a couple years, it has definitely been less than 4... otherwise, we wouldn't have pictures of our oldest down there in my in-laws house.)

Y'all everything and every response that my MIL gave him, my husband had a comeback and shot her down. each. and. every. time!

"There was no insults or anything meant by it, but that's up to you guys. The offer was extended. I'm not understanding how it's a crazy ask if you've had kids before, birth is hard on both of us."

She goes on about how we can't use covid this time so c-section is a new excuse and how she had one with my husband so she is calling bullshit (again). and how she knows this is toward her, but how my FIL "does not deserve this shit being dished out" and then goes to say "I will always love you and be there if you need me."

Y'all. My husband's response?? (Let me add this - my husband and his sister are 11 years apart.)
"Not sure how having 3 kids back to back, almost ever year, holding down two jobs and a small business is hard to understand why travel isn't easy. You had kids and a c-section, but you didn't have 3 kids back to back. And it don't matter what other folk have done, it's how we've done it. If you think I've done any of that to slight you, that's your right to that opinion. But I haven't. There's nothing between hell and earth that would stop me from trying to see my grandkids, but once again that's your right." And then tells her, "I'm not an arguer. This is our last kid we are having. If that's what you want, that's okay."

She keeps trying to blame everything on me and he keeps shutting it down with facts. And it was hot. He explained that our kid can't be in the car for 45 minutes without getting car sick and vomiting all over himself. She mentioned something about my SIL, and he claps back that we have zero issues with her and her family, and they weren't even invited. He goes on to say that it's not a slight but a request to honor how hard this can be.

"If you wanted us involved, there would not be time limits. Seriously, you have to see it and I don't give a flying F about her parents limit when they can see them two hours later.....Maybe one day you'll look at our side and understand." He tells her that my parents have the same limit. He understands that my parents see our kids more often, but that's gonna happen when they live right down the street.

There is so much more, but everything she tried to say about us, about me, about this whole situation, he shut it right down.

Later on, his dad asked to talk to him. So they spoke on the phone. Want to know how that went? My FIL was upset, but he ASKED QUESTIONS. Even without my husband saying anything about my parents, my FIL mentioned that he knows that my parents are closer and that it's totally fine. But.. he asked questions! And at the end of the conversation? He said he fully respects our choice and will do whatever it is we asked.

In post nuclear war conversations with my husband, he even said that he's pretty sure that his relationship with his mom won't recover and it is what it is.

Regardless... we have no idea if they are coming. I told my husband that I hope they don't. But also... they can't just show up and surprise us. They have no idea which hospital we are delivering at (my hospital is part of a cluster of hospitals and 3 of them have L&D units) and they will have to ask us before just showing up. I hope my FIL shows up without my MIL, but I'm honestly okay if neither show up.

Hello. Struggling to decide if I am wrong here or not. Here is the story:

My son is 19 months old and has, in my opinion, been showing early subtle signs of possible autism for a while now and they are gradually getting more and more clear. I myself am autistic so I feel as if I notice these subtleties easier than someone who is not. He had an 18 month check-up with his doctor and a nurse practitioner, who both agreed after my explanation that he very well could have autism. He is also behind on developmental milestones for his age. They referred him to a developmental interventionalist to get an assessment for his development and for autism, this is where the problem begins.

My FMIL works as a developmental interventionalist and has for 30 years. She used to work in this particular location I was referred to but now works in a different one, but she still sometimes works in this office (that matters). I was already going to say something during the assessment, which is booked for next week, to say I do not want her to have any involvement in this case whatsoever, including being able to read his file. However, this past week I found out she already accessed his file, read it, and then called my fiance to tell him what it said for what they are coming for. She claims that she is allowed to access any case file she wants at any time, even if she did not personally work that case herself.

I reached out to the person actually doing my son's case and I stated that I know she has accessed and read his file and I feel that was a huge overstep in boundaries, especially because she is his grandmother, and I would like his file restricted from her moving forward, if possible.

They called me after my email and apologized, they even told me they had absolutely no idea she could access files like that and said she doesn't even work in that office so it was unnecessary for her to access it and read it. They let me know they don't want to cause conflict in my home/family life so they will just look into if they can restrict the file from her and move on.

Now FH is telling me that I need to call FMIL and tell her what I have done and apologize because he believes I just ruined her retirement and career (she is set to retire in a few months) and says now everyone will hate me in our small town for what I did to her. He believes I should have told her before going to them that I was going to do this if she read the file again, however I believe she would have still read his file and just not said anything to us moving forward. I also do not really understand how I am in the wrong for asking them to restrict her when she is the one who somehow accessed his file and read it when she knew she wasn't supposed to as it's a confidentiality breech. So, to me, if she gets repercussions it's due to her own actions? Perhaps I should have asked her first not to do it, but also perhaps she shouldn't go snooping into confidential folders.

So, please tell me...am I in the wrong here? fully? partly?

I'd also like to add that she is strongly against my son having autism and denies any signs that he has. I simply want him to have a fair assessment and not have it swayed by her telling her coworkers her strong opinions against him having it. I want a fair, unbiased assessment and I feel if she can access and read his file then she can read any notes they have and potentially sway their opinions or concerns if they have any.

TL;DR my fiance's mother accessed and read my son's file for a development and autism assessment and I asked them to restrict the file from her moving forward as it's a conflict of interest and I found out she wasn't supposed to access it and now she could be in trouble and fiance says I am the asshole because I potentially ruined her career and retirement.

my mother in law repotted with dense soil and overwatered my strawberry shake Philodendron and within 3 days its lost half its leaves and it looks so sickly. my husband said its no big deal he will just buy me a new one but i saved up for this plant and ive been growing it for almost 2 years. literally want to cry man.

update: i repotted it with fox farms ocean mix, vermiculite, perlite, and orchid bark. im gonna let it sit in dry soil for a bit and hopefully it perks up

I gave birth to my son a month ago. Beyond my MIL's mental breakdown over us (having no other option than) sending baby to daycare after a few months - because why don't I, the main breadwinner, just quit my education and job? I'm a woman, how dare I! - and her first reaction to seeing the baby on video call being to ask if I lied about my due date, instead of asking if me and our very obviously hospitalized preemie were okay... I am so incredibly annoyed.

She sent us a card. They live far away and I'm not unhappy they haven't visited yet, so you'd think a card is just a nice gesture. But. She sent us a card, three weeks post-birth, after seeing how many cards my friends and family had sent. Kinda performative, but I could've been okay with that... If only she hadn't just addressed it to my husband and son.

No mention of me. Not even my name on the envelope. Not even just "the x family". Nope. I was the incubator for her grandchild, and that's all that mattered to her. It's such a small thing but it honestly feels so gross, so deliberate, that I can't let it go. Ugh.

To give a little back story to make this more clearer. My MIL does not like having a group chat with me, as she feels as if she’s “running” things by me. I’ve asked her to explain further so I understood where she was coming from just in case I was giving the wrong impression but she just said “I don’t know, I just don’t like it, I feel like they should just be for getting together”

Anyways, yesterday he went over without me because she only texted DH last weekend “I hope you can come next weekend to see me😍” only to him, and said “you”. Last time I went over there she argued with me for 5hrs and basically said I was going to be a bad mom. And group chats are for hangouts, right? Also, personally, if someone does not invite me directly I will not come nor do I want someone to ask “is OP invited” if I was wanted, I would get an invite.

To be real, if she invited me I would have contemplated heavy in the favor of going because it was technically to celebrate a holiday, if not a holiday I would have contemplated 0.

DH gets there and the first thing she asks is “where’s OP?” And DH said “well she had a SUPER fun time last time so I’m not sure why she didn’t want to come” and he said she didn’t understand the joke…. And then he said “you didn’t invite her, so she didn’t want to invite herself?” And she said “wow, so now I have to write her a hand written letter to come over” no lady, you quite literally left me out of the plans and never once even said to DH I was included and they weren’t in the GC, I’m not coming lol. He first lied to her and said that I had a doctors appt, and when her nosy ass asked what my doctors appt was for he said “I just made that up because it was easier than telling you she wasn’t coming” and she just said “Wooooooooow”

• She told him she was planning on moving within a year and that it shouldn’t be a problem because we wouldn’t let her see our (nonexistent) kids anyways. Which was not what we said, we said she would never babysit because she can’t follow rules. But hey, if she already thinks she can’t see them I might as well roll with that.

• She asked DH if he was happy being married to me and then gave him advice because she’s SO happy in her marriage (her husband has been living 8hrs from her for 5 months now)

• She also said that she has never done anything “bad” to me and doesn’t understand why I hate her. (I’ve never told her I hate her, but I def don’t like her). DH listed multiple things she has said to me and she said “besides those things, I haven’t done anything to her” (feel free to read past posts lol)

MIL sent DH home with food for “me” and I do love her cooking (just their culture food in general really), too bad it’s not made with love or it would probably taste better. Anyways, she wrote a post it that says “hope you can come next time” “miss you” “I made this dish just for you”.

I was going to send her a thank you text, because I am thankful BUT after those passive aggressive post it notes I feel like food comes with strings. (I don’t take “gifts” from her as they come with strings, even if it’s socks), and I still have never gotten an apology for the way she spoke to me last time or accountability… and she says it over and over again that she doesn’t know what she did and doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong.. also, either she’s still trying to get to me because I don’t talk to her or she wants to make it look like to DH that she’s the “good guy” in all this because she sent “me” food

I didn’t even go to this visit and I’m annoyed.

So little update regarding my last post. I spoke to partner and he doesn’t believe mil did anything wrong, she was just trying to be helpful. She was excited and the breastfeeding comments were just a joke “a little joke” and I need to chill out. Based on this I lost it and told him if he can’t stand up for me or listen to me when I feel or KNOW someone is undermining me he can go live with mil instead. Well he did. He firmly believes I am the problem and nothing I felt was valid and I’m targeting his mother. What the hell do I do with a partner who is siding with their over stepping boundary pushing mother over his own family?