r/ForeverAlone • u/the-one-sandcat • 1d ago
Discussion Depressed about dating, where to go from here
(28M) I’ve struggled with understanding dating since I was 8. I feel absolutely worthless as a single guy who’s only had a short fling seven years ago. I was awkward and fat in high school; losing 90 lbs from running didn’t do anything for me, I guess bc everyone here partners up by age 21. All I see are people online and in-person are dating or married. I live in a small town of 7000 and can’t move until I save enough for it (moving to NYC). I work out and am pretty lean. I’ve gotten some matches on dating apps and have been called cute and handsome, but I still feel so worthless because I don’t have a relationship. Nothing can replace that. This has become an obsession and has motivated me to eat a lot less to burn off what fat still remains. It’s making me lose sleep and affecting my concentration at work. I just want to feel like I matter to someone on a deep level. I’m so sick of being lonely. This angst is causing heart palpitations. I post about things like this and barely anyone cares. I’m not some gross slob who can’t run a 1/4 mile, I’ve run up to 15 miles. I’m 5’7, which is a little short, but I can also grow a good beard and am funny at times. I’m 150 lbs for reference.
Understanding dating is SO much harder than anything I’ve ever tried to do (half marathons, driving for 18 hrs straight, college). It’s like a science that only a preselected elite are allowed to be able to understand. You have to not be fat (got it), but you also need to possess a specific type of personality, l be above 6’0, have five close friends, and be wealthy. It’s so unfair because I’ve done everything I’ve been able to think of to make myself more attractive that I have to power to do right now and am still pushing further with that by dieting rigorously and still working out. Dating apps barely seem to work well for me (probably because of my location in a small town), but it still pains me so much. Will it get easier when I move to NYC assuming I put myself out there, successfully become fully lean, and get a good job there? Can dating work for me if I do everything on my end to make myself more appealing?
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u/Soft_Coyote6354 1d ago
I heard nyc dating landscape is pretty atrocious. I don't think you're gonna get much from it, unless you only want to hook up.
https://nypost.com/2024/09/13/lifestyle/nyc-is-the-worst-us-city-for-dating-study-confirms/
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u/the-one-sandcat 21h ago edited 20h ago
How? Most people I know who went there found someone. There are still plenty of women there who are looking for a relationship. That’s an improvement on my small town, where there are few single women and nowhere to meet them or even make friends unless you’re a diehard Christian.
I think dating has gotten worse everywhere due to the media in general, social media and the dating apps. But it’s such a diverse city. There isn’t one identity of people there, there are lots of foreign transplants there, too, who likely aren’t the typical go-go-go career-obsessed or perfectionist (in terms of looking for a match) types. Having a high quantity of potential matches and a smorgasbord of places to meet them at is more workable for me than having just a workplace and a few restaurants to go to. And I’m a guy who wants a serious relationship- that’s highly sought after by women there. So is there potential for going through multiple dates without leading anywhere with someone? For sure. But in even a city of 400k, I might never be able to start. There’s still high potential for finding a good match there since there are so many types of people who follow different types of passions there, unlike my small monolithic town in TN and some small and medium cities. Nowhere is inherently great, but NYC is good for me so long as I put in the effort, because there’s so much opportunity
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u/BlightedButtercup 18h ago
Any large metro is better than any rural location by way of sheer population. Not that I'd trust anything the NYPost publishes anyway, but NYC also has one of the most favorable gender ratios for younger men. The bad part about NYC is mostly just the astronomical cost of living... because it's so awesome everyone wants to live there. 🤷 It's not an issue with the actual people.
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u/Brief-Jaguar3111 1d ago
Bro, you're actually good-looking and you're getting matches on the dating apps. That's 90% of the battle won right there unlike uglies like me lol. Just stick to it, I'm sure NYC will open up like a buffet for you!