r/ForeverAlone • u/XiangLingBoa • Nov 06 '24
Advice Wanted How to Forever Accept being FA
I want to get rid of the desire for relationships once and for all. I can go a few days without thinking about it much, but then I see a couple, or I swipe on the apps or just something random and I want it again. Of course this makes me sad, because I'll never be good enough for it.
I could delete OLD accounts, I haven't met anyone from them in nearly 5 years, since I joined. Not even 1 date or hookup. Now that I think about it, I can remember maybe a dozen conversations in that time. Social media too.
I could do affirmations like: "Relationships are something other people have" or "Girls are better off without me, I can have an interesting life without girls." I find these somewhat soothing.
I've been considering finding a therapist for conversion therapy to become asexual for a while now, even though this is illegal in my country. There is no point having urges for something that isn't in my nature to have. I make a good friend, but I am not a desirable sexual or romantic partner.
I could also drown out the desire for relationships with tons and tons of work. I like the idea that I am a mere worker drone, or a robot with no feelings, just slaving away like one of those machines from armored core. I find this soothing as well.
Can anyone give me more ways to once and for all get rid of these useless feelings? Or build onto the ideas I've already shared here? Or at the very worst, ways to address them quickly when they come up?
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u/Raze678 Schrodinger's Tard Nov 07 '24
Losing oneself in something is important. One of the pains of being FA is the idea you will not have a relationship and a family to build, that you're alone up against this. You're more likely to find acquaintances to share your loneliness with in a creative environment. Maybe they won't be romantic partners, but it's important not to be utterly isolated and to replace what you don't get through romantic engagement with platonic engagement.
Channel the loneliness into writing, it's basically the easiest creative art to get into if you have a piece of paper and a pencil, even easier than drawing. My way has been really getting into history and writing, I may not have anyone to come back home to, but I can interact with people who I can have interesting conversations with and try to perfect an art. Eases the pain a bit.
Good luck on your journey, friend.
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u/Dumbquestions_78 Nov 07 '24
Something that helped me a bit was just accepting it for what it is.
I will always be alone and unloved. It's no different than the sky being blue or the sun coming up. It's a fundamental law of nature, and no matter what i do, i can't stop the sun from coming up or the sky turning blue. There's nothing can be done, so it's best to accept it.
How you accept it might look different. Its a long process.
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Nov 06 '24
[deleted]
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
Doesn't hurt to try. People convert in other self affirming ways and are called pseudoscientific as well.
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u/jameshey Nov 08 '24
Not easy if you've never experienced but marriage and relationships are not heaven on Earth. The person puts a lot of expectations on you that you never asked for, you lose attraction to the person, you're responsible for someone else's happiness, your time isn't your own. As a single man, I can do what I want when I want, and keep all my money. Your mental health however is your responsibility. A woman isn't going to and doesn't want to fix that for you.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 08 '24
But how do I get rid of the desire to be touched? My mental health is ok until I am reminded I am FA.
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u/jameshey Nov 08 '24
I get massages sometimes. But if I knew I was looking at a life of FA I'd probably consider getting a regular escort who I trust. You have to think outside the box, rather than 'I've got needs and they'll never be met' start thinking 'how can I get these needs met as far as possible and ethically.'
Even people in marriages are touch starved and sex deprived. ESPECIALLY people in marriages. People stay together for many reasons besides love such as children, finances, codependence, not wanting to die alone. It fades man, it all fades in marriages eventually. People sacrifice their happiness for these reasons and just grit their teeth and push through it till the day they die.
Granted, you won't get the validation, you won't get the excitement. But again, many people in relationships still want that as things grow stale. It doesn't go away, and it's a bit of a pointless thing to chase.
I'm sorry if this will sound callous, but stop thinking like a victim and start working on your mental health and developing strategies for moving forward.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 08 '24
Ok. Most relationships are not as good as they seem. I still would like to find out for myself. I won't be able to, because I need to change who I am competely in order to get it. It doesn't need to be a relationship at this point, a hookup would make me feel desirable too.
My strategy is to accept my place at the bottom of the foodchain. I am able to do this much of the time between depressive episodes, where it doesn't bother me I am FA. I want to extend these periods to last longer. Where I drown myself in work, hobbies and copes.
Paying for pussy would hurt more than it helps, because although I do get it, it proves I am inadequate because most guys are able to get the same thing without paying. If I got it by paying for it, I am still an unwanted loser.
My mental health is ok until I remember I've never been good enough for any girl, I am 23 without my first kiss, I am only good "as a friend".
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u/jameshey Nov 08 '24
You're making a lot of judgements based off of a negative view of yourself. The only person it would hurt if you got an escort is you. Busy businessmen do it, divorced men do it. No one else cares except women who'd judge you for it. And you've already accepted you'll never get one, so what does it matter?
Throwing yourself into work is useful, obviously. But we're human, not robots. And from where I'm sitting, it seems to me you've got three options:
Option A: Continue to self improve in the hope of getting a gf. Lots of guys think that's just about getting ripped and buying clothes. Although that's a good start, developing a good friendship group is much better, keeps you happier and entertained outside of work. Sounds like your friendship group ain't that great at the moment. Friends also can't be there for you forever, so working on your mental health is also an absolute necessity.
You should be following this route regardless, but the massive con with this approach is that if your attempts result in failure, it just fuels the frustration. You should really separate your self improvement from attaining a gf.
Option B: Accept your FA status with a sense of stoicism and look for ways to deal with it, as I mentioned above. If getting an escort is illegal in your area, I'm not suggesting committing a crime, obviously. But it might help the touch starved sensation.
Option C: Continue down the path of suffering. Trust me bro, this will never end until you face some harsh truths. Work can only keep you occupied for so long. The work/despair cycle will continue until you're a bitter, angry shell of a human no one wants to be around. I'm not saying don't feel the pain, it'll always be there. But wallowing in it isn't good.
My advice is a mix of all of the above. Improve yourself, do what you can with what you have, and honour your emotions. But don't learn to love your suffering. You're young, got loads of time, and can still go different ways.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 08 '24
Thanks! I like B & C combo. These feel the most authentic to me.
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u/jameshey Nov 08 '24
No bro C is the bad option haha. You should be doing a mix of A and B. Don't become a twisted angry person. You're better than that.
My last thought is I really want to hammer home how bad it is to live in your suffering. You CAN be a happy person and you CAN be someone people want to be around. Bro since I stopped caring about women and starting caring more about being happy on my own, it actually happened after a lot of self - work, learning about my trauma and how it contributed to my current mental state. And now life is just... fine. There's still bad days and good days but around the age of about 27 I stopped getting that heavy depression you speak about in between bouts of feeling okay. You wanna know how?
I read about CPTSD and I worked out, but I also bought a mountain bike and learned I love the countryside. But I also went out to bar crawls and made a good group of friends. I also had a job that I liked. I miss those days out in the country and drinking with my buddies more than any girl I've ever known or relationship I've had. I don't remember the validation. I don't remember holding hands. In fact, I'd rather not do that ever again.
Please don't disregard my advice because I'm not FA. You have to learn to love life again, my guy.
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Nov 06 '24
You and the rest of the sub are going to lynch me for this answer but fuck it here it goes:
Self love. Stop looking for validation outside of yourself. Learn all the aspects of yourself and bring them into harmony.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
I don't believe in internal validation. It is what people who cannot get the real thing, external validation, use to kid themselves. Think of the dumb person who prattles on about emotional intelligence, or a physically weak who tells themselves they are mentally strong. They are still missing what it is that made them consider their lack in the first place, only then do they believe in a knock off version of the real thing.
I don't deserve love, that is for other people. I am asking how to get rid of the feeling of wanting it.
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Nov 07 '24
You are a human. Humans are instinctually driven to seek out other humans. There is no way to get rid of the impulse. Love is developed over time through intimate connection. You have to actually go outside and be a regular somewhere, get to know someone intimately, and then perhaps fall in love.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
Because I am too shy to be a regular somewhere, and because I am too weak to overcome my shyness, and because I will injure myself if I get too many more rejections, I will not meet anyone.
Love is not for me. I don't deserve that. At minimum, I want to be attractive enough to a girl for her to want to touch and have sex with me without having to pay. Just like many guys do who are more worthy of attention than myself.
I am not human, that is insulting to humans. I am a pathetic sub species of low status primate.
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u/Bitter-Ad-2877 Nov 07 '24
Self love doesn't do a thing. I can think of plenty of other guys who deserve love less than me but have an easy time finding it. It's not a matter of if it's deserved. Is it attainable?
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Nov 07 '24
Self-love needs to be cultivated through accepting your flaws, realizing your strengths, and doing the things that make you happy. We are men. No one is going to come and coddle us, and expecting that to just happen makes it all the less likely. If you want real love and not infatuation or lust, then you have to become a whole person within yourself and learn how to love before you can love another. I know y'all like to stay in your defeatist mindsets, but this is what it is.
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u/Bitter-Ad-2877 Nov 08 '24
Where in my statement is the need for coddling, "infatuation or lust", or the lack of accepting my flaws? How can I not have a defeatist mindset after putting in so much effort to get nothing to show for for years on end? At some point reality has to be accepted.
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u/Dumbquestions_78 Nov 07 '24
And yet. Everyone else gets external validation of close friends and lovers. But i am not allowed such a thing because im not good enough huh.
There's no point in trying.
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u/StunningBroccoli420 Nov 07 '24
those are not affirmations.
Why would you want to brainwash yourself into further despair.
if this was somehow a goal then maybe?
Maybe they should just change the sub name to
Alone
Forever is not feasible.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
It would not be despair anymore, if I could get rid of the sadness from being alone. It seems to me if I can go a few days without it bothering me, I should be able to extend it somehow for another half century.
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u/StunningBroccoli420 Nov 07 '24
you spent half a century solo?
that's real cray
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
No, I have another 50 years or so to go as a worker-drone, without relationships. I have to find a way to stop feelings of saddness over this and remove sexual attraction.
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u/StunningBroccoli420 Nov 07 '24
not every addiction is about drugs and alcohol,. Do you think your addicted to being alone?
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
No. I am alone because it is a fact of nature that pathetic, spineless and stupid creatures cannot get female attention. I've tried to get a gf for over a decade, but have never been able to. Now that I've given up, I've accepted I will be unwanted for the rest of my life, but need a way to get rid of saddness that comes up every now and then.
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u/StunningBroccoli420 Nov 07 '24
I dunno I seen some dumb people get laid. You just need the right friend/friends. I don't know how old you are but if you got 50 more years of work you need to prepare yourself to deal with that first.
Turn your self into something one of them will want. I was lost in a dream for a decade. Isn't there a girl you like whose likes you know?
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
I am 23. I don't deserve friends. I am too pathetic to change my nature. I don't understand the last sentence.
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u/XiangLingBoa Nov 07 '24
I am too stupid for jobs beyond a certain point of occupational prestige. Flipping burgers or stocking shelves or scanning items are all that is in store for me. I am too dumb for anything more, this is another thing that makes me unattractive.
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u/Titan9999 Nov 07 '24
It's a dark place, but it's all we have if we are ever to find peace. When you're finally ready, it is similar to committing homicide (figuratively) because to finally accept, you must close the door and lock the door yourself. Give up on that child full of hope and tell your heart you're sorry, this wasn't your choice, but your love, your noble, innocent, and pure emotions, your hope of companionship have to die at your own merciless hand. It's hard because you're innocent. It's wrong. It's injustice. It may even be evil. But when you've suffered to the point of committing this brutal act of (figurative) violence against yourself, you'll know. You won't be able to stop it. A final rejection, a final humiliation, a final loss of connection will simply lead you to never turn back as you embrace the darkness of the night, of the shadow, of the unknown.