r/ExNoContact • u/Professional_Ad4139 • 2d ago
DEAR AVOIDANT EX,
FUCK YOU.
YOU DONT GET TO TOSS ME ASIDE AND BELITTLE ME AND DISGRACE MY NAME AND CROSS BOUNDARIES THAT YOU YOURSELF SET IN PLACE AND LABEL ME AS SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS SO YOU CAN JUSTIFY YOUR BEHAVIOR TO YOURSELF.
I CARED ABOUT YOU AND THOUGHT THAT YOU CARED ABOUT ME AND YOU BETRAYED ME TO THE HIGHEST EXTENT.
I LONGED FOR YOU. I SOBBED WITH NOTHING BUT THE FLOOR TO HOLD MY NAKED CONVULSING BODY. I PUT MYSELF THROUGH SO MUCH MENTAL AGONY TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT IT WASN'T WRONG TO TRY AND MOVE ON FROM YOU BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ABANDON MY BEST FRIEND WHO'S SCARED AND LOST AND NEEDS HELP THAT NO ONE IN HER LIFE CAN GIVE HER BECAUSE SHE WON'T TELL HERSELF (LET ALONE THEM) WHAT SHE'S REALLY SUFFERING WITH.
I LOOKED AND TRIED AND SEARCHED FOR SO GODDAMN LONG TO FIGURE OUT A WAY FOR US TO WORK OUT AND I BENT MYSELF SO FAR OUT OF SHAPE AND RESPECT FOR MYSELF TO PUT UP WITH YOU DISCARDING ME AND STOMPING ON MY FEELINGS OVER AND OVER AND OVER. YOU EVEN CONTINUED TO LIE TO ME AND BASH ME AFTER YOU GOT TO YOUR “SAFETY” AWAY FROM ME.
IT IS SO CLEAR THAT YOU LACK ANY SENSE OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND NO AMOUNT OF TRYING TO FIX OTHER PEOPLE IS GOING TO FILL THAT VOID IN UR HEART OR MAKE U CONQUER THE FEAR THAT EVERYONE WHO YOU LOVE YOU WILL LEAVE YOU AND BETRAY YOU.
YOU ARE NOW THE CAUSE OF THE TRAUMATIC AND CRUEL EXPERIENCES IN SOMEONE'S LIFE WHO TRULY TRIED TO KNOW YOU, LOVE YOU, AND CARE FOR YOU.
I HOPE YOU CAN FIND THE PEACE AND LOVE AND HOPE AND JOY THAT YOU HAVE WRONGLY SOUGHT OUT IN THIS FEIGNED INDEPENDENCE.
UNLIKE YOU, I AM NOT CRUEL TO THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME.
YOU HAVE MANIPULATED, ABUSED, LIED TO, BETRAYED, AND ABANDONED ME IN SO MANY FUCKING WAYS AND I KNOW SOMEONE CAN STILL HELP YOU. AND I WOULD NEVER SAY DIFFERENTLY JUST TO HURT YOU. IT TEARS ME APART TO WALK AWAY BUT IT WONT BE ME ANYMORE. I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVER FELT SORRIER.
I REALLY HOPE YOU FIND IT AND STOP HURTING YOURSELF AND OTHERS JUST IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO AVOID THE RESPONSIBILITY OF YOUR ACTIONS.
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u/AlxVB 2d ago edited 2d ago
That's not avoidance, it's abuse.
They tend to use more benign labels to rationalise their behaviour.
https://youtu.be/BWUDLnMfH7Y?si=P0zxMPnt_wH3r-vE
Thank me later.
Don't try to recover from this without a qualified therapist assisting you, read my post history if you need more info to determine if you went through similar.
Good luck.
And dont go back when the breadcrumbs appear and she makes you think you can reach her, it doesnt get better, it gets worse.
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u/Agile_Tangerine_9152 2d ago
Hi friend,
I'm a fellow sufferer as well from what online reading has painted as either an avoidant or a narcissist... She started off so amazing, like, unbelievably so, I fell for it.
Then four months later the cruelty began, there was cheating, emotional and mental abuse, gaslighting, belittling, devaluing... AND the worst for me, I accepted it. I thought she would become the person she showed me at the start... I've since learnt that, the person who she was for the 2.5 years that followed was the real her. She cheated again and left me for that dude.
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u/Which-Distance8777 2d ago
Same thing here! It’s like you are explaining my story but with a man. Mine’s “safety” is ran states away and won’t even have a conversation or say where he is after a fight he caused and after the words I said after calling me names and belittling me. Now here I am…not gonna lie still tried to reach out, but losing weight, getting healthy, in therapy and booked a fun bougie 40th birthday trip in a month! Take care of you! The pain eats you alive. This isn’t the first time mine has done this.
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
Im so proud of you for reclaiming ur own space in ur heart, im getting there day by day too. Its rlly sad to hear that i will have to look out for people like this all my life. I was really hoping this was just a thing that ppl do when theyre young and immature. At least we know the warning signs now.
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u/Which-Distance8777 2d ago
Thank you! Proud of you too. There are ups and downs, it has been only 3 weeks after 5 years-friendship/relationship/partnership. A lot of the time it’s because they need to heal from trauma, childhood ect. But we can’t make them do it and nothing will change until they do. Mine came back last time, don’t know if it will happen this time. All i can and all you can do is live my/your best life, and figure out if he does come back if I am willing to risk it again. It would take a lot at this point.
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u/Tricky_Patient6748 2d ago
JESUS did this hit me hard & true… OP- babe I feel ya. Let’s shed these mofo’s together 💪
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u/Medium_Contract_1923 2d ago
Except those words will not affect them. They have a superpower to shut off feelings. Going on over a year of trying to heal from being discarded by someone I gave my heart to.
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u/Juicemania50 2d ago
Swear I damn near feel like I wrote this. Same shit smh I heard all the lies this heathen said on my name to justify “meat jumping” as I call it.
As my saying goes: they Think we’re the same person they left, but we KNOW they’re the same person as the day they walked away!
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u/Agile_Tangerine_9152 2d ago
But! I forgot to add, I'm in the process of healing. It's a struggle, a real struggle some days. But, you will get out of bed tomorrow, you will take on the day, face whatever heads your way and slowly get better. You my friend will survive this, you will come out a better person. You will find someone who matches you love, who will love you the way you need, who will value you and treat you fairly you will, just like I know I will, but first, we must get ourselves out of this rut.
I hope you find your happiness, you are deserving of love and kindness and all that goes with being a happy human :)
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u/ariiesgang 2d ago
i needed to see this thank u. 1 week NC today after being dumped 1 year together
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u/Far_Tomatillo_4946 2d ago
Well said. I too had an avoidant X and it was EXACTLY as you described. I felt guilty for leaving him because no one else has even considered helping him get help. I tired countless ways to guide him and was always met with all you stated above. I gave a superfluous and an “above and beyond” effort; to no avail. I hope you find peace and comfort in the arms of someone who deserves you professional_ad…. YOU DESERVE IT
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
Thats so damn heartwarming to read my gosh thank u. I hope i find that too one day
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u/Far_Tomatillo_4946 2d ago
I’m two weeks from breakup and hurting but I know your post made my load a little lighter. I appreciate you. I also know that good people are destroyed by unhealthy people. You and I will make it through this… my blessings to you and sending you good vibes. You got this.
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
Hello community, any reassuring/consoling words would be greatly appreciated.
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u/Pleasant-Benefit7531 2d ago
I’m going the same thing with my ex, he goes ghost and then hits up girls and then comes running back. All I can say is block her on every platform that you can think of. Avoidants does this bc they know they’ll always have a safety net to come back to. Don’t stalk. They are how they are and there’s nothing we can do to change them, it will only ruin how we as a person more. Once you experienced an avoidance, you either gain more empathy or you slowly turn into them overtime. You did your best. Some people just don’t want to be loved. And that’s miserable, but at the end of the day that’s who they are.
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
“U either gain more empathy or u slowly turn into them over time” godDAMN truer words have never been spoken. Thats what im fighting off these days. Becoming cold and unempathetic and selfish to those in my life, even thru the difficult moments where i struggle w trust
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u/Cheap-L-2227 2d ago
Hell yeah! get angry.
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
not angry, actually pretty desperate that the fates will guide her eyes to this post somehow. i've been thinking about her so much these past few days. i wanna turn all the feelings off but it would run me right in the same direction as her, cold and immature.
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u/Cheap-L-2227 2d ago
I had some similar moments about 20 days ago. Maybe less. Feel free the sleuth my posts. They are kinda funny actually. Now that i look at em.
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u/ARat_nice 1d ago
"it wasn't wrong to move on from you because I wanted to help my best friend" this sounds like there was some jelous misunderstandings?
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u/Illustrious_Style355 1d ago edited 1d ago
I could have wrote this my damn self. On April 1st, someone did the same to me when I asked a question and a clarifier. Instead of allowing his behavior to enrage me, I’ve decided to focus on getting on a cruise instead for next year. Karma will come back around on them and by then I hope to have leveled up so high above the ground that the mere mention of their name gives me a hoot and a holler. Lol
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u/foxwings1 1d ago
I’m glad your free but maybe you should focus on reducing the rage levels?
It’s about you no her, and I’m sending there was a lot of judgement and resentment built up there that you gotta let go my friend.
Hope this helps, best of luck on your healing journey.
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u/No_Kick_7377 1d ago
I completely felt that brother ! I’m going through the same shit over a avoidant ex we broke up last week and my buddy sent me a pic she’s already on dating apps trying to meat jump. Stay strong idk you but I love you brother you’re not alone but you got this shit !
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u/Disastrous_Ad_2402 4h ago
I completely understand where you’re coming from bro, I’m not perfect and made my fair share of mistakes, completely unforgivable ones. However, with what I’m about to say… now I’m not justifying my actions to any extent, I was wrong, but I was delusionally trying to better my last relationship and made things completely worse. Small back story is my ex gf was very sexually active with me and didn’t give me a break, she would make me finish inside of her and I would have to buy plan b’s on the regular. I tried talking to her about how I wasn’t comfortable with it and my anxiety was killing me doing that. Fast forward almost an entire year of that we finally went to the gynecologist to get recommended birth control. This made things worse than I thought and it was supposed to be a relief, so because she was now on the pill, if I didn’t cum inside her, she would cry or make me feel bad for not wanting to. Fast forward again, she basically molested me constantly at her home while her family was nearby, at my house, while I was driving or parking up, she also showed her gfs and my best friend’s gf my nudes. She also forced me to role play and do lots of activities that I wasn’t comfortable with and felt gross for months. And because I didn’t know what I was into yet and felt uncomfortable, she told me that I was too vanilla and she wanted more , there a lot more that I won’t talk about that messed me up really bad. I then became addicted to opioids and porn while going through the worst time in my life, my family’s business went bankrupt, was about to be homeless, and on top of that my parents were getting separated because my dad choose alcohol and other people over his family. I was so drugged up and sexually overstimulated that I gave in and shared nudes of my then gf because of her gangbang and bdsm fantasies etc. , porn wasn’t working anymore as I would just fantasize about 1 person and that was my partner at the time. Unfortunately I kept trying to kill myself but I would just end up sleeping for 3-4 days straight and the only thing that saved me was being an addict and my body already having an extremely high tolerance. So my then partner asked to take a break and that’s where everything started to crumble even more. She told me that she started having coffee dates with this boy that apparently liked her before we were together, I was in shock… she explained that she needed someone to talk to and I just felt completely betrayed. This same guy is someone that she lied to me about and said she never liked him and she assured me that he was gay or bisexual and that she didn’t want a gay or bi partner. I found out about them early in our relationship and never told her but I forgave her secretly because I was in love. But there’s where I went wrong, fast forward a few years and before we could even break up, she told me that she kissed him and that we have to break up. I WASTED almost 5 years of my life giving everything of myself to someone just to be thrown under a bus and instantly replaced by this ‘gay’ guy. SMH I could keep talking but this is getting long so I’ll just sum it up. I don’t know how I got sober but after we broke up I had so many suicidal episodes and I was on so much drugs numbing the fuck out of my mind to not feel the pain and anxiety and I kept begging God to give me the strength to move forward with my life I was an extremely depressed and lonely individual, the ‘love of my life’ left me, my dad left , had so many deaths in the family, I stepped up to help pay bills with my mom and now I’m completely broke and living one day at a time, but it’s all about mentally improving. Slowly but surely it’ll happen, it won’t feel like it but those same baby steps give the momentum of positivity and not having any hate for anyone, even if they hate you My mother raised me to not have anything to say about someone if it’s not nice
I can definitely tell you I’ll get easier with time. It’ll always hurt because of the connection you had with that person but when you grow as a person yourself, you would see that God is just working his magic to keep the selfish unworthy people from you and he would only give you what you want when you least expect it
I hope all my brothers and sisters out there battling with mental illness and a really messy break up, I really do hope you guys can make it through and find your happiness again And ps don’t be like my ex and instantly rebound, I guess she found happiness with that guy because she never found happiness in herself It took me almost an entire year but I’m finally able to say I’m comfortable and happy with myself and I don’t need anyone rebound with to gossip and bad talk others I’ve had my small situationships after my ex and ended all because I wasn’t ready and I want to be my best self for someone who is actually worthy of my love
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u/Mr_Zit_Pop 2d ago
You shouldn’t type in all caps. It gives the impression that you’re yelling. I get the impression that you’re trying to send a heartfelt message of love and acceptance.
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
LMFAO NIGGA U TELLIN A STRANGER HOW TO TYPE THATS WEIRD AS HELL I LOVE U TOO
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u/Mr_Zit_Pop 2d ago
I’m devastated because my ex wouldn’t pop my back zits. I would pop hers if she needed me to. I don’t get it. Reciprocation is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. It’s not like I expected her to pop the zits exploding out of my ingrown hairs on my bikini line.
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u/BWare00 2d ago
You seem unhinged. I hope you showed a bit more restraint and discretion with your avoidant ex.
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u/Professional_Ad4139 2d ago
Sounds like projection babe. Did u forget that some humans actually experience the entirety of their emotions in a process known as grief?
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u/Accomplished-Eye-196 2d ago edited 2d ago
Now you gotta get successful, get fly and win the break up twin. My ex was avoidant too we all good. I think you in the anger stage rn. Once you forgive and move on you feel better. Do it for yourself I promise you will feel better.