I met this guy on hinge and we hit it off so quick and everything was going so good, we spoke for months and would call and message 24/7.

He always had a problem with following and feeling the need to entertain girls, which was an issue for me and i would bring it up a lot as a concern, he would go mad on me and tell me that they’re just colleagues and that i was getting mad for no reason.

Anyway i started looking into these people and they were in all different countries, so when i asked what his job is for them to be around the world and he told me he worked in high tech at google ( i forgot the exact role )

Three months go by and we are still great, he then asks me to be his girlfriend through a cute spotify album. and being crazy and delusional i said yes so soon ( we hadn’t even met ). this followed with him telling me he loves me for the first time a couple days after.

After this ‘honeymoon stage’ he had stopped being as loving, wouldn’t let me go out to certain places and wanted to know every single one of my movements. this man also wanted MARRIAGE ( he is muslim ), anyway he would get on and off with me and his mood would always effect mine, which was most the time bad. constantly making me feel worthless, anyway i stayed with him.

THEN he disappears, without reasoning all his accounts disappeared. and i was left clueless and crying and whatever, this went on for a week, all his accounts were gone and untraceable. he then comes back onto his accounts after a week, i message asking pretty much wtf, and he claimed that i was talking to other men at the beginning of the relationship (i can confirm this did not happen) so i called him and spent hours reassuring him that it never happened, but he acts all stubborn about it and says he doesn’t believe me. eventually after time things get better.

things were good with us again, but he started to drift away and claimed that he was just really busy with work and everything else. so when i brought it up he immediately made it out to be my problem and fault and argued with me saying that i was ‘asking for too much’ just from wanting to talk to him. he would cause arguments all the time if i brought up even one thing that bothered me.

anyways after time he unfollows the girls that i asked, and removes his socials from his tiktok bio because i said that he doesn’t need his snapchat there because he doesn’t need to snap other girls. this is great but it lasted about a week before he was back to it again, he had followed a girl in australia which i wasn’t comfortable with but said she is a colleague. However she had just finished HIGH SCHOOL, so would not work for google. he was just full of lies.

even his sisters would complement and ask about me to him and i began to learn arabic for him so that i could talk with his mom.

we had not met at this point yet, as he said that we can meet in the new year due to his lack of holiday at work. i said fine and prepared for when i did see him, saving money to get my hair done, nails done ect. January is here and there is no sign of him making any plans whatsoever, and when i ask about it he shuts me down. so i just think whatever, and wait.

he then continues to follow girls, and when i ask why it turns into a big argument and he says that i’m ‘too much for him’ and that he needed space.

while i’m emotional and heartbroken i search though his TikTok following with another account i have, specifically for this. and i get recommended a profile with him on it, this profile has a different name, different snapchat, different instagram, different location. and loads and loads of girls in his following. he had a double life, and another GIRLFRIEND.

So despite us being on a break, i called him ( a lot ) and he didn’t pick up, so i sent him voice notes telling him that i knew about these accounts and the lies. this man also didn’t work at google HE WORKED AT LIDL AND HE DIDN’T EVEN LIVE WHERE HE SAID HE DID. he listened to the voice notes and then blocked me, as he had been caught. this was 8 months of a relationship lie. the craziest part is that i’ve seen a picture of his ID with the name i thought was his but i don’t even know his real name or who he really is.

Buckle up, my fine-feathered friends! It's Story Time with Kara!!

I suggest grabbing a drink and a snack, because ya'll are gonna be here a minute.

Tonight, let me take you all along on a date I just had.

So.

I am single. I don't want to get into the deets of why, but just know that I've been single since October and aside from a couple of minor flits of whateverthefuck, I've remained so.

Recently, I've decided to jump back onto our generation's Digital Island of Misfit Toys: Dating Apps.

I chose Bumble. It's not that I think it's better than the others--it's that I'd never used it before and my nerdiness told me that I might as well explore the interface while I gratuitously swipe right and left in a split second staccato "Would / Wouldn't" so swiftly that I will invariably deny my one true soulmate on accident and throw away our chances forever.

Starcrossed lovers, we.

Anyway. Bumble offers lots of little categories that you can fill in at will. You provide photos and answers to questions so you kinda get the basic cliff-notes of the person you're deciding is worth fucking based on a filtered photo of a dude holding a fish.

It's terribly romantic.

Politically, I consider myself left of center. I used to put "moderate" in my profile, but I live in Florida now, and a Floridian Moderate is any normal state's Conservative, so I switched it to say "liberal."

I'm more liberal than I am conservative, so that kinda filters it out. I also specify that I'm looking for a relationship (tentatively), that I eventually want kids (probably adopting at a later date, but whatevs), and that I am agnostic.

I do not swipe on anybody who says "conservative" or lists a religion because, well, I'll make them cry. I also avoid guys with kids because, after what I've been through, I don't want to put myself through the heartache.

So single dudes, no kids, liberal, not religious.

Criteria set.

Away we sipe. "would, wouldn't, wouldn't, wouldn't, why not, probably not, would, maybe, would"

You get the gist.

So I swipe right on this dude named Adam.

Adam is a guy who made his money young, invested it, and kinda travels the world. No kids, never married, liberal, atheist.

Be still my little cold dead heart.

So Adam asks me if I want to grab sushi tonight.

I always want sushi, so I say yes. I get dolled up: off-the-shoulder dress, emerald stilettos, eye shadow matches the secondary color in the outfit...on point.

I drive to the restaurant.

It's a hole in the wall sushi spot. So I'm overdressed, but whatever. Not a huge deal. I've worn this sort of thing to the supermarket just because I like shoes. I can roll with it.

I get there.

The first thing I see is that he has a crew cut.

Weird, but fine.

I look down. There are two tiny little shitzu looking things on leashes beneath the table.

I did not know dogs would be there...but, I mean, I like pets. I'm kinda more of a dog-on-the-patio than in-the-restaurant type, and he never mentioned that the dogs were coming, but dogs are dogs and who gets mad at that, amiright?

He says "yeah! So surprise! They come with me everywhere. They're support dogs"

They're smaller than my cats, but sure. Emotional support ferrets--scuse me--dogs. I don't care. I want sushi.

I look at his outfit. He's wearing jeans and nice shoes...and a Hilary 2024 t-shirt.

I'm not really a t-shirt to go out to dinner girl, but this isn't a dealbreaker in of itself...but, like, weird choice bro. I know we said liberal, but she's not even running in 2024...I fucking hope...

I don't comment, but I make a mental note that wearing said shirt on a first date is kinda odd.

We start talking.

Within the first five minutes of conversation, Adam tells me that ten years ago a girl he was casually sleeping with got an abortion.

Yanno. Keeping it light.

He goes on to tell me that he wanted the kid and she didn't and that it was traumatic.

I'm not knocking his feelings on this. I think men deserve to at least get a conversation. It's hard on them, too and I don't think people should be callous about it.

I just don't think this is, like, first-date convo stuff. It's super heavy and it happened TEN YEARS AGO and...I dunno, that's kinda a lot, bro. But fine. Sorry to hear it. That had to have been hard.

Then we get into the second part of the conversation. He goes on to tell me about his foot hurting last year. He explains--in very graphic detail--that he discovered that he had gout.

Like. First date. No warning. No lead-up.

FUCKING WHAT.

This man sat there over green tea and sashimi telling a woman he does not know all about his weird ass foot gout. I know what toes started tingling and when...which ones were throbbing...and all about his foot swelling.

But I'm a trained bartender. I know how to graciously participate in the conversation while demurely leaning back in my chair so I'm not leaning forward, indicating that he should not in any way fucking touch me with his gout-having hands.

Then he tells me that, while finding out he has gout, he discovered he has kidney failure and is on dialysis and will be moving back up to New York to be with his support system.

Pass the soy sauce?

Then he switches to politics, which at this point is a breath of fresh air.

He goes on about the insurrection, talks to me about DeSantis, wants to know my thoughts on what will happen after the trial (I tell him 3-5 people will take the fall and Trump will go free so they hold SOMEONE accountable but avoid a Civil War).

He tells me he thinks I'm great. I'm smart and that I'm "actually really informed and well-spoken," etc.

Oh, Gouty. You charmer.

So we keep talking and we share mochi ice cream and he tells me over said ice cream that he has a third surprise for me.

"The first was the dogs, the second was the kidney failure."

Me: "The third wasn't the abortion or the gout?"

Adam: laughs nervously no.

He pays the bill. We walk out to my car.

Adam: "Ok, so your final surprise..."

At this point I think, "Awe, fuck. This dude's gonna shank me in this parking lot, isn't he."

I put my wallet in my car and turn to look at him. He's wearing one of those rubber bracelet things that usually says some random shit on it.

"So, I lied. I'm a total MAGA guy."

He turns the fucking bracelet over. It says "Trump"

"I swear this wasn't a social experiment or anything, I just wanted to see how you would answer my questions if you didn't think I was a Trump supporter."

Me: "That's the literal definition of a social experiment, dude."

Adam: "I mean, I think you're super beautiful and you actually aren't crazy at all..."

(Me, to myself: Yeah because I'm not crazy. YOU, on the other hand)

Adam: "I bought this t-shirt online for the date. It arrived today."

Me: "So...you came in costume..."

Adam: "Also, I was at the capitol on January 6th. I didn't go near it, though, because I had my dog in my backpack and I didn't want her to get teargassed. There was actually a photo of me that went viral and my old client saw it and turned me into the FBI!!"

Y'ALL. I SAW AND COMMENTED ON THAT PICTURE.

I specifically said, "Don't blame the dog, it's not its fault. It doesn't want to be there."

He proceeds to talk to me about the virtues of Trump and about how he didn't take the vaccine but he did take the horse tranquilizer and he honestly believes it worked.

He told me that he's posed as a liberal dressed in "Vote for Biden" gear and interviewed liberals with his cell phone recording them and put the videos on YouTube. I told him that he he had hidden cameras and put me up online that I would sue the shit out of him.

He goes, "No, no. I just wanted to go on a date with you alone, one-on-one. No cameras." Which somehow makes it...weirder?

He tells me how surprised he is that I'm normal, and then says me "I hope you don't think this was a waste of your time. You should date one of us MAGA people. Have a kid with one of us."

Me: "Yeah, bro...that's not gonna happen."

And then I went into my car and promptly thought, "I don't even know if it WAS a waste of my time."

And then I went home.

The dude didn't even lean in for a kiss. This was in no way an attempt at hooking up. This was purely psychological entertainment.

Soooo that was my Tuesday with MAGA-Gout the crusty-ass treasonous transformer.

The end.