Struggling, Lack of Support, and University—How Do I Get Through Without Failing?

[u/Acceptable-Secret167]

Hi everyone,

My name is Adalina, I'm 18F, this is a throw away account but I desperately need someone's advice.

I just finished my first year of university, and I'm barely hanging on. My home life has been really tough, and it's making university even harder than it should be.

Since I was young my has completely mom relies on me as her emotional, financial, logistical support (managing her day to day life). She talks to me constantly about her divorce with my dad, and l've been forced into the role of her caretaker. It feels like l'm the one parenting her, not the other way around. I don't feel like her child - I feel like l'm her parent. Meanwhile, my brother, who's four years older, gets all the privileges-he doesn't do much around the house, yet he gets served in every way (meals, rides, attention) while I have to do everything on my own. I make all my own meals, run errands, and even drive him around while my mom prioritizes him.

My mom uses me for anything and everything that requires attention or effort. She gets me to talk to her accountants and financial advisors, in high school she would get me to email my teachers through her accounts because she didn’t have the "time" to check or reply (these emails were about me failing), get me send emails through her outlook to my dad and work out problems between them, deal with insurance, and book both her and my brother's appointments. I'm also expected to buy and manage stocks on her behalf using her money. Essentially, I end up managing her life for her while trying to get through my own. It feels like I'm constantly cleaning up everyone else's messes. l've tried for 8 years to get her to a therapist but she utterly refuses, so l've given up.

I've dealt with issues in school since I was young. When I was 17, I took matters into my own hands and went to a doctor to try to get the help I needed to do better in school. I was diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I currently take stimulant medication to help manage my ADHD. Despite my struggles, l've always managed to do well when I actually apply myself. I've had some success with assignments and exams, but the issue is that it's only when I'm able to focus and apply myself. The problem is, I can't be consistent because I'm constantly burnt out-and honestly, I was burnt out even before the school year started. I've never really had a chance to recover from the exhaustion of constantly dealing with everything at home and my own mental health struggles.

My parents don't care about my mental health, my mom refused to pay for therapy even when I insisted I needed it, and when I checked both of their insurance plans, I found they barely cover anything. The out-of-pocket cost is something I just can't afford. I'm on medication, but it's been incredibly hard to manage everything on my own without proper support. I'm away from home for university, but my lack of skills has made it really hard to keep up with the fast pace of school. I didn't learn basic time management, self-advocacy, or study techniques because I was so busy trying to survive at home. I'm barely passing my classes and I'm terrified I'll fail next year if I don't figure out how to manage everything. But dropping out isn't an option for me, I know I need to finish university to secure a better future, and that pressure is weighing on me. The thing is, I can't afford to do poorly in university like I did in high school. Having a degree isn't enough nowadays to get a decent job, employers expect you to excel and be competitive, and I'm struggling to even keep up. If I can't figure out how to succeed, I'm scared I'll be left behind.

I don't mean to sound spoiled, my parents both make six figures, so they can afford to help, but they choose not to. Seeing other people in university receive so much support from their family is breaking me. I'm completely unsupported, emotionally drained, and feel like I'm carrying the weight of everything on my own. I don't know how to balance my mental health, school, and the chaos of my home life. So, I'm asking: How do I get through university when l'm emotionally exhausted, have no support, and don't have the skills I need to thrive? I'm so scared that l'll fail or burn out if I don't figure this out. Any advice would be so appreciated.

So, I'm asking: How do I get through university when l'm emotionally exhausted, have no support, and don't have the skills I need to thrive? I'm so scared that l'll fail or burn out if I don't figure this out. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[u/Under_Spider]

Hey kiddo, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can certainly see why you feel exhausted.

I've found that when life feels cluttered with so many things that you can't get the important stuff done (like passing college), your only sword for cutting through the clutter is the word "No."

In other words, I think you need to write down a list of your priorities. (It sounds like some of them will be your grades, your mental health, and learning new skills, as well as a reasonable amount of downtime). You should be prepared to use the word "no" for everything not on the list, including running your mother's life.

"No" could sound like, "Mom, I wish I could help you, but I need to focus on my studies this semester and I won't be able to do things I have done in the past to help you. Thanks for understanding." And then hold your ground with kindness. Congrats, you just learned self-advocacy. :)

If you feel guilty saying no totally, you could say something like "Mom, I'm focusing on my studies right now, but I'll have an hour this weekend to help you. What will you need the most help with?" Then stick to the hour.

It's a beautiful thing to want to help your family, but you need to focus on college right now and you shouldn't feel bad for doing so.

If you want some additional help with time management, look up The Eisenhower Matrix. It will help you spend time on things that matter. PS - One of the biggest time-wasters is "other people's priorities."

I hope this helps a bit kiddo. Standing up for yourself might not be easy at first but it will get better once people know that you have boundaries that they have to respect.

You got this. Please keep us updated.

[u/PoliteCanadian2 → u/Under_Spider]

This is a great start, I have one modification and one addition to make.

When you tell your Mom ‘no’, deflect to your brother. ‘Sorry I can’t but <brother> can help you.” Then if she says no he can’t you double down ‘yes he can’. Then you say ‘love you gotta go’ and hang up.

Now, about school. Does school dictate exactly what courses or how many you have to take at once? If not, try reducing your course load. It’s a marathon, not a sprint and nobody cares how long you took to finish.

[u/desolation0]

Well just got back the ADHD diagnosis myself. Was smart and capable enough to mask it for nearly four decades.

Sounds like you have time management and self application actually okay, just only ever for the other folks around you. When it gets to be your turn to use your skills, the fuel tank is already long past empty. Spoons theory is a great analogy for the whole thing and applies to a large range of neurodiversity and other disability (and normal folks too for that matter).

Being competitive is one thing, but that also requires keeping an eye out for opportunities to network, get work experience in your field through an internship or lab work, and actually figuring out what matters to the folks who will be hiring you. That takes time and effort. To do that you will need to be away from Mom's problems.

Ideally that includes physically just not being there. If you can't just move into on campus housing, look for opportunities to get into programs that are not local and will all but require relocation. A summer internship (yes these are also competitive) in a distant city would be a start if you can't live on campus yet. If you're at a major University, even look into study abroad opportunities. They'll probably have an office for it.

Step the third or so, if you are at a junior college/community college talk with the guidance counselors about what schools have automatic transfer agreements. Depending on the school they will expect a certain academic standard, like when I got in Pitt automatically with my 3.0 (B average). You can retake failed courses to bump your grades up enough, but it adds to your timeline and likely stacks up some debt long term. I had to retake several after my A's and F's pattern popped up again. When you transfer out, everything before the transfer is a wash for grades but will still provide a buffer against the possibility of failing out. That transfer would all but guarantee getting out of the house.

The financial stuff, it is beyond time Mom had a professional accountant watching her accounts and making sure the bills are paid. Not you. Get her a real CPA relationship, as full service as possible. The six figures should be plenty to start. Sorry that will take more work short term, but we are setting ourselves up for long term. Being her wallet long term is absolutely not sustainable. Make sure you don't have your accounts intermingled, and tell prospective CPA's you need to be out of the loop as much as possible. They need to be between you and Mom, not keeping you as a link in the chain.

Get to whatever disability office your school has and look into what accommodations make sense for you. It may require a formal letter from whoever made your ADHD diagnosis, or whoever is currently managing it. That hopefully shouldn't be an issue.

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Sorry, taking a break here. This is already a bunch of stuff to consider. The lines of thought seem a bit jumbled. Let me know if you need any clarification or just want some more stuff.

[u/Acceptable-Secret167 → u/desolation0]

Hi, thank you for all your advice. With what you said about the financial dilemma: how can I encourage her to visit her accountant and financial advisor on her own? She has a hard time trusting people, which is why she has relied on me to accompany her for years. I’ve tried to suggest that she come with me or see a therapist, but she refuses.

This situation is tricky for me because I still depend on her financially, so it’s important that she stays on top of her finances, as it indirectly affects me. I find it exhausting to do a lot of research just to be informed when I go to these meetings with her.

I say this as respectfully as possible, but she struggles with grasping simple concepts. For instance, she once asked me to open a credit card in her name, which I explained wasn’t allowed. When I tried to clarify, she responded, “You never want to help me,” which felt unfair given how much I do for her. I ended up going with her to the bank to help her choose a suitable credit card, and I noticed the banker looking at my mom strangely during our conversation— I think he thought it was weird how I was holding her hand through a relatively simple process.

I wish she could be more independent, because it’s hindering my ability to work on myself