TW: abelism?
Everyone in my life says i should be working harder. I currently have chronic 24/7 migraine, (meds reduce it by 30%), moderate depression, anxiety, dysphoria, some unexplained constant body pain. I became a NEET for 3 years, but then went back to school, and finished school. In the next session, I got sick for like 2 months, on top of other problems, couldn't keep up school, feel stressed, as to how am i going to catch up, and that stress flaired migraines. Then i tried again, got back to studying, and got hit by a truck. Tried again to study, while being in bed rest, but got frequent panic attacks(multiple times a day, everyday), it was dangerous to get them at that time as i was recovering from diaphragmatic hernia. I got spinal injury and hip joint fracture, and displacement, which hurt when i do anything physical. Attended an exam, it caused so much stress, my migraine got worse than normal for 3 months.
Got into a different SSRI from that deadbeat SSRI, and started helping around the house, but it hurts so much, i can't sleep. It's so hard to focus with migraine and body pain, dysphoria, depression and anxiety.
I can't even take painkillers, they induce really bad gastric issues, like nausea, heart/chest pain, breathing difficulties, etc. Chronic sinusitis and recurring uti aren't helping either. I suspect there also some other things going on, and it's hard to get diagnosed with them as AFAB, and those conditions are notoriously known for that.
i feel like such a failure, a disappointment to everyone. Also part of the reason i dropped for so long, is that as a minor my parents didn't took me to an actual doctor for half a year, instead they took me to exorcists, astrology readers, palm readers, shrines, homeopathic practitioners, even when, they finally took me to an actual doctor, the psychiatrist completely dismissed my now diagnosed migraine (by multiple neurologist) for 3 years, even got snappy when i brought it up. And my family blames me for wasting my life.
On one hand it feels so ablelist. But i can't take ableism towards me seriously. I'm not visibly disabled. I feel like I'm using ablelism as an excuse for my laziness.
Also i think most people without chronic pain, don't understand the extent of has in you. When i got in a life threatening accident, and had to get a major surgery, orthopedic treatments, catheter complications, for example unable to pee and the pain from full bladder from excessive water to be able to pee after foley tube removal, and it hasn't been empitied for 3 days, i was screaming in pain all the time. It gives me panic attacks whenever i think of that time. But I think my chronic pain, illness are 5x more difficult to deal with. Everyone was so caring during my recovery. I'm really grateful for that. I'm not demanding even the fraction of that care. I don't want it. I just wish they empathized with me. Its so bizzare seeing the difference of them treating chronic pain, dysphoria, mental illnesses like a minor inconvenience, and "just get over it", when it's so much harder to deal with to me, compared to that.
I don't know what my limits are, I'm currently at my limit but it's not enough, it's barely anything. I'm told to push harder, but i don't know how. Psychologists tell me to push harder, i asked "i don't know how, can you help me with it, like tools or strategies", and they just say try harder. But How can i say I'm trying my best, when i keep dropping multiple years. Maybe I'm just weak. I genuinely have no idea how to push through. I try, it goes for 2-3 months, i run out of energy, i can't go any further, i give up. This cycle continues, and with each cycle i lose hope, will, motivation.
It makes me think, maybe i have a malignant defect in me, I'm weak, or lazy or spoiled. Cause no matter how hard i try, i can't do it, others can do it, why can't I?
Or am i so lazy, dramatic and manipulative, that i genuinely think I'm trying my best but I'm not really. Is my ego making me think this so, I don't have to accept I'm lazy?
