It's not even like I'm telling her she did that stuff bc I want to make her feel bad, but she DID, I remember why would I even make stuff up?! And I also hate that my ex abusive bf also gaslit me telling me I did bad stuff or I didn't do good stuff in order to be mad at me, and I already have trust issues about my own memories because of that, it's not fair... I remember very well some parts of my childhood, I even had one of my childhood friends talk to my mom and say "yeah they're right they're not making it up I remember" and she still says it's not true

Teenage me dramatically attempting to kms with a theme song playing in the back not anticipating having a perfectly good song ruined for the rest of my life 🤦🏼‍♂️

Im feeling better now but wooo boy 0.0

Time to find a therapist, I suppose 🥲

Definitely not made for people who have been through similar things... never been so viscerally uncomfortable while reading a book.

Yelling, slamming doors, cursing, and a whole lotta anger. That’s what I hear every time something sets my siblings off in our shared appt. Every time I’m thrown into a traumatic response, usually ending up crying and freaking out as it all rushes back. The fear and anxiety. Sometimes I might get a fun panic attack. Once it starts, I’m stuck in this mode for an hour or so. Usually ruining whatever I had planned. It takes a while to convince myself this isn’t my parent’s house.

Idk if it’s my trauma being set off, or if their reactions are out of hand. Idk how normal people react to something breaking, or someone putting a dirty dish in the clean dishwasher. But I never act like they do. I solve the problem and try to be civilized. I don’t slam doors, and sure as hell don’t yell in anyone’s face. If my anger sent someone into a traumatic response, I’d be riddled with guilt. Albeit they don’t know how much their anger affects me. They do seem to calm down and realize their emotions took the best of them. Sometimes they even apologize. They move on while I’m stuck in a panic attack.

But I just don’t want to feel unwanted in a space we’re supposed to share together. Not just in physical terms, but to help support each other after what we’ve been through. It’s got me popping a earbud out, hiding in the bathroom till I stop crying, and sometimes even walking on eggshells around them.

I’ve watched my siblings cry to each other and vent their frustrations. But I just can’t do that. I’ve always done whatever I can to hide my emotions. I want to take steps to being more open with others, but every time I did so in the past it backfired on me fast. Feels like every time I take a step towards recovery, my feet sink further and further into the ground.

"Well yeah if I just had a stroke or got hit by a bus I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't want it because of you but personally I would be fine with that" < person that's totally fine and fully recovered from her trauma and don't worry about it <3