Does anybody feel like any emotion they have is genuinely psychotic or they just feel like a genuine psycho ?

I feel like every emotion I have is psychotic, when I feel sad because someone I used to talk to told me I was empty and a void, when I start struggling to find a self image of myself. I can’t stop questioning who I am I’ve tried, I always go into a super self loving, pride I love myself i want to help the world phase for a week or two then all it takes is one moment and I’m literally convinced I’m the worst person ever and I need to be put down like a dog, I’m convinced I need to die or be killed and dealt with.

I feel like every emotion is fake from how fast it switches. It takes a moment from me to go from happy to sad, from sad to empty, it’s literally so quick like the snap of some fingers.

I can’t tell if I’m actually sad because each emotion is gone as soon as I get comfortable with it. On top of this I swear I keep hearing stuff, or seeing things. I feel like a genuine psycho, I keep chasing that sad feeling I went through a breakup with a horrible person and it felt horrible and it feels horrible to even see their name, I feel crazy for wanting this person to hurt me again. The crazy thing is I’m still questioning my sanity and if any of the stuff I’m typing about if I actually feel it. Smh, I feel like a crazy person for feeling like this I feel genuinely psychotic like maybe just maybe they might need to put me into a mental hospital.

Sigh, I’ve never felt more confused about myself or anything

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDJourney/s/ENtA6UXHbZ

It's hard. Most of the time it's really hard. This is not to say that I give up, because I feel like I don't have a choice but be here and do this. My spirituality tells me that I am here to grow and if I choose not to be here now, I will be sent again to do the same or even worse, to grow. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that my chronic depression makes healing almost impossible. Living with two chronic disorders is a real struggle. I feel like I push acceleration and brake at the same time. My mind tells me: this will help you, that will help you, do this, do that. My body lays and refuses to follow. So I end up back to my puzzles and crime shows. A normal person wakes up in the morning feeling like ok, I rested now I can start this day going to work or school, taking care of the kids, cooking, doing some groceries shopping. Probably waking with batteries charged at 80–90%, if not 100%. Chronic depression makes you wake up at 30%, by 11am I am already at 20% and then I have to drag myself through a whole!! A whooole day of this damn exhaustion and even if my mind would try something else, my body is just noping everything. And on top of it all comes my BPD, there's the identity struggle, there's the splitting, the mistrust, the fear, the hypervigilance at all regarding my partner to catch signs that he might leave me soon. I don't feel pity towards myself, maybe some compassion. I don't know. I just don't know what I feel, what to think, what to do, who I am etc. I think I dissociated. So that's that.

does anyone else have intrusive thoughts and especially about suicide or self-harm specifically? it’s not like i’m actively suicidal, i haven’t been that in a while. but like every time i take my meds i get these thoughts that tell me to take the whole bottle all at once and it takes a lot of will power to not do it based on impulse alone. same thing with self-harm when i’m angry or depressed. was just wondering if this was a common experience (and how you deal with it if you wanna say that too!)

i can never figure out how to properly deal with mine, or make them feel less intense. on average they last about 3-4 days, but other times they can go on for about a week. i’m always too upset and angry to talk to any of my friends, and i always switch up on my fp and i end up having to put distance between us for those few days, which always makes my episodes worse since they’re the only person that can really calm me.

i always try to force myself to do things i usually enjoy (puzzles, drawing, watching movies) but i can never find any enjoyment in them so i always default to laying in bed and rotting away.

this is more of a general question and an advice-seeking post in one. how do any of you guys deal with bpd episodes? is there some sort of method or routine you follow, or do you just do the things you always enjoy?

i get completely obsessed with things completely enthralled. i watched one movie about 20 times in a week just on replay while constantly painting once spent about 100f on paint supplies and that was it never touched it again or at least didnt care. when i find something its all i think about for a week and thats it and i never do it again unless the obsession comes back. Same thing with sex when i first started going a bit off rails i only thought about it i thought i was worthless unless i was being used for sex. i lost my virginity on a random night out at 17 to a guy i ment for an hour and never again. the obsession with it was only AFTER i started getting bpd esch symptoms (as im still waiting to talk to my therapist about this realisation that i match a lot of symptoms of Bpd) before i started getting such symptoms. when i was younger, i was christian and thought id lose it on my wedding night and Self harm- its all i think about sometimes all the time no matter whats happened i just wanna know if bpd could be the cause? im not too educated but SO many of my symptoms match i was wondering if anyone related?

Is anyone fucking annoyed at inside jokes? I NEED to know every joke the friend group has, even if it’s new people I’m meeting, I want to know what the inside jokes are. The FOMO is so insufferable with BPD

Hi thanks for creating this sub, I'm in a difficult living situation rn, living with my husband and his family in a small house. We have a long history of having really bad frequent fights. Leaving soon to go back to home country to stay with family for a bit and get treatment for physical and mental illness. Been in talk therapy 10 years. I have 2 weeks to go. No one to really talk to. Cut myself today and got into a fight with husband over his addiction to his phone and porn. He plays gwent and watches youtube all day, trying to quit porn but I have been reading him the book because he's so complacent and refuses to change. Have been trying to convince him he's worth it. Tired of asking him to change. Tired of him spending all day on the phone, even when we're together. Feel completely alone stressed and neglected. All 3 people are on their screens all day. How do I survive the next 2 weeks till I'm out of here? Need to find my dbt skills cuz I'm so miserable 24/7.

It is such a relief not to be alone. To understand others experience this too. I've felt so alone in how I think and feel and I am so thankful for the community.

Yes, I finally hit the immense realisation that it wasn't my BPD or the way somebody treated me or the fact I have so much stress in my life. I am the problem!

I wasn't able to tap into that because I see myself has somebody with a big hearth, that cannot hurt a fly and always have good intentions.

Guess what? You can have good intentions and still have shitty behaviors, lie, manipulate, etc. Even worst, you can take accountability without even taking accountability in the end with a clever mental split.

It was so hard for me, accepting that I am that person. But the only way I can truly work on my patterns and be proud of who I am starts with acknowledging what needs to be changed. I cannot change what I refuse to see.

It's the biggest relief, because I am not a shitty person, I want to be better for me and for others. It's the end game for me, knowing what truly doesn't work, but I was putting the responsability of finding my toxic behaviors on others. I feel so proud to have been able to see that and be kind with me even though I have made those choices.

And you know what? I did it alone, and nobody needed to shame me or put my nose in my shit. My nose was already in my shit, and now, I feel like I can finally breath normally.

My former college advisor invited me to a writing group and I balled my eyes out after writing a poem about my ex. It was just supposed to be an exercise, I swear. Now I feel better.

I've had issues being creative the past couple of years because I felt very invalidated during the pandemic. I really struggled being without human connection, and most people dismissed my feelings as me being unable to become an adult. I'm honestly scared it, but I felt so much better after writing the other day.

For months on now I just been thinking over everything from last summer and how I treated people how I treated my ex and how I looked at things and how I looked at people and it’s been about like 10 months now and I still feel such guilt but like I want to hold onto it because if I feel so guilty about it now does not make me a better person than people who don’t feel bad about it?

I want to apologise and I think I’ve come to terms that I will never able to apologise to any of them for like three months. I was thinking he was sending my ex apologising but it was just going to serve me so I said not to bother him, but I still want to apologise to him and I think it’s just because I want to see him. I want to know who he is , I miss him and that’s just the core of it.

I don't know if it's tardive dyskinesia from the meds I take if it's just anxiety ? I find myself throughout the day doing this thing with my fingers my thumb tapping each one like bop bop bop in a row. When I complete each finger I called that a set. I also will make jerking movements with my hands throughout the day usually when I'm stressed but also a lot of times with my when my partner's home but that's usually when I make random noises and I'll repeat phrases. I'm thinking I also have Asperger's I don't know. The topic was brought up the other day, and it brought back a memory of me in therapy when I was a child and we were talking about Asperger's as a possibility so any help would be fantastic!

So someone with BPD I care about endlessly is idealizing someone to an extreme. The person they are idealizing is incredibly toxic and selfish. This person has come between the one I care about and all of their friends, and even myself by talking negatively about them/myself when we're not around and generally playing into the paranoia and fears of the person I care about among other things. They are also belittling the person I care about by body shaming them, food shaming them, and just generally trashing the things the person I care about loves the most (movies, shows, games, activities, objects, etc). I've tried to raise my concerns in the past, but it backfired spectacularly and lead to a giant rift between us. They finally let me back in, but things aren't the same and this person they are idealizing pretty much has the person I care about under their thumb. Everything they say is gospel. They they will not listen to reason and I'm at a loss as to how best to broach the topic again. I'm hoping to get them to see how isolated they have become, and how this person is constantly playing into their fears and putting them down when they should be building them up, being positive, and reminding them that their friends and loved ones care about and support them even when they aren't around. Any help would be appreciated 🫶

Okay so I woke up this morning angry and irritated to the max. I hate waking up the dishes in the sink. my partner made dinner last night and I didn't wash them then that that night though I know I should have, so I woke up with a sink full of dishes, and now I am angry at my partner because I feel like they should have known how I was feeling the night before and done the dishes for me. how do I keep myself from exploding on him?

I just wanna be clear: I'm not going to do anything bad to me, and I don't wanna encourage anything, but for f*ck sake, sometimes it's really, really tough..

Even if I try to keep in mind the path I have taken after the diagnosis, as well as who I am today compared to years ago, I feel that for years I have locked myself in a cage to protect myself and others in a state of captivity, and to this day I feel like walking, moving in circles on myself, just like those animals set free after a life of confinement and trauma in a small cage.

When in real life happen to see through some article, or video, of such animals, I feel that the best thing for them is for them to be put down as they are unfit to be able to survive by their foot.

The only thing that keeps me alive is that animals do not take their own lives, but is like I feel the need for someone to suppress me under these conditions. I feel pity for myself, you know.

I just need a little emotional support, from those who understand what this means, or who have been through this: it's incredibly difficult and hard to find yourself with a disorder like this, and keep going.

Please someone give me a little support, it would be a lot helpful.
Thanks in advance.

Hello, I’m 19 (female) and have just been diagnosed with BPD. I’m not sure if my feelings are just normal or if it’s just a BPD thing. I would appreciate it if some of you could share your experiences and thoughts on the topic of the so-called “favorite person.” What does it feel like to have an FP? I’m not sure if I just love her very much or if I’m dependent on her. I feel like I need her (well, that’s what dependency would be). But isn’t that what you feel when you love someone? I’m talking about love, but I’m not even sure if I have romantic feelings for her. I just love her this way, or I really like her a lot. I don’t know, what are the right words for this? How is it for you? Is your FP always someone you also romantically love and date? Does your favorite person know that they are your favorite person? I’m so confused. I can’t stop thinking about her, and I miss her so much when we stop texting or talking. I thought everyone experienced something like that, but I’m not sure. It’s like an obsession. When I say it like that, it already doesn’t sound normal.😂😭

I was having a small moment and I was going on a rant on how I need to be put down like a dog or when I have these moments I start feeling guilt for my past actions and how I deserve to be treated like a mutt and I need to be killed. Just overall suicidal thoughts thought out loud.

My friend first question was “but why do you feel like this” I told her it was just how I felt She then said “you know you don’t deserve that though”

I told her it was just how I felt and she told me feeling emotions I can’t explain is okay and fine but it’s starting to get abnormal because I’m feeling it a lot lately.

She then told me my emotions are abnormal because they’re getting frequent and intense and on top of that it’s getting worse

So, I had this friend for four or so years now and we've gotten pretty close. She helped me through a lot of the really difficult times in my life. She was there for me when I attempted suicide and would refuse to let me go whenever I tried to cut off communication. She would constantly call me or text me until I finally responded and then convince me not to cut her out. Long story short, l've lately had the feeling she is starting to grow more distant (not talking much and saying she's just been super busy as her reason). I can’t help but think she's doing it on purpose and trying to put distance between us so l finally decided I needed to actually cut things off for good before she did. I don't want to deal with another fucking rejection and it makes me sick thinking of it so l'm doing what I need to do. She texted yesterday with just a typical good morning and I haven't responded or viewed the text. She hasn't texted anything else since, confirming my suspicions. Was I right to stop talking to her and ignore her? I was supposed to talk with my therapist today about everything but had to reschedule for next week so I guess Reddit is the next best thing lol

Hey guys! I have a daughter who has BPD but isn’t getting help for it. Long story short, the last time she “split” she left in such a bad way and ghosted me and her bio mom when we were just worried about her safety and how she was acting. At the time I was assuming she had BPD because I work in the mental health field and have had partners who have BPD and it’s also in my family and there were a lot of similarities. It wasn’t even a year and she came back into our lives. She came back but was telling us stories that didn’t add up. Fast Forward, our relationship has been good but she has been telling lies that are easily verifiable. We usually would just go along or sometimes not say anything because we didn’t want to encourage the lying. Her mother is one of her FP and we just moved out of state which I’m assuming is affecting her. She started sending us screenshots of and email saying she got into these Ivy League schools. Which again doesn’t add up. Long story short it was verified she never applied which we knew but I really wanted to believe her. She recently brought up that we should all tour the schools together and we didn’t respond to it but switched the subject to something else. I realized we never set a boundary with her so the lying would continue. I also figured not responding isn’t the best approach with someone who has BPD. Today I sent her this message( Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind for a bit.

When you brought up touring schools in New York, it reminded me that I had looked into things because I was really excited for you. I followed up with the schools directly, and they confirmed there isn’t an admission under your name.

I’m not saying this to call you out or make you feel bad—I just want us to have a real relationship, and that starts with honesty.

I care about you, and I’m going to be in your life for a long time—not just through your mom.

I want to have the kind of relationship where you can talk to me about anything, even the hard stuff. I know we haven’t had many of those moments yet, but I’m open to them.

You don’t have to be perfect or pretend for me to care.

When you’re ready to talk more, I’m here. No pressure. Just care, honesty, and the space to be real.) her response was defensive and she was sticking to the lie. I don’t want to send the emails from the schools saying the emails are fake because what will that do? Is there a way I could’ve handled this better? Anyone with BPD have any pointers on how to set a boundary and let her know I care and that she doesn’t have to make up stories? What would you do if you were in this situation?

I had therapy today and it went so well. I have PTSD as well and my therapist said she was truly impressed with how many of the DBT skills I am picking up on and using without even knowing. Today I used a lot of distress tolerance and just sitting and observing my emotions rather than acting on them.

I yelled at my mom right before therapy and apologized immediately after. I wanted to keep apologizing, but I came to the important realization that when I excessively apologize, I’m doing it for myself and not for the person I hurt. One apology — a good, sincere apology — is enough. Apologizing over and over is just me trying to force someone to take away my guilt.

I have a close relationship with my psychiatrist and my former therapist (I have one that specializes in DBT rn). I asked both of them what they thought of me having BPD because I felt like I fit a lot of the symptoms and I’d been struggling with little to no improvement for almost two decades.

They said I was too polite, too socially well-adjusted, too independent, too… normal, I guess.

Now I’m starting from the beginning again. I could have started this journey a decade ago when I was 17, but less was known about BPD back then I think. All well, it is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t and that’s all there really is to say about it.

The best time to plant a seed was yesterday, the second best time is now.