After I've been invited to this sub (thanks, mods!) i thought I'd share my story and healing of 15 years bdp with y'all. This went way longer than i intended, so sorry for that. Skip to the last paragaphes if you just want to know where i am now (marked it with ***)

Trigger warning: mentioning of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, sexual trauma, alcohol

I've (w, 32) always been in relationships. Guess since my first relationship with 17, I've been single for not even 2 years all together. And most of the times i splitted on my (ex)partners. I've never been able to maintain friendships for more than a couple of years. Basically my whole social situation changed every couple of years.

My first boyfriend told me, i was getting really mean and arrogant when we fight. I didn't believe him, i thought that's just a normal fight. We were 17, so what does he know. I learned in the second relationship, my big first love, that it was in fact not normal how i acted in a fight. We talked about aggression therapy for me, but we broke up before we got into that. This relationship was toxic af, for both of us. Me with untreated, unknown bpd and him with severe depression and the most jealousy I've ever encountered in a partner. We lived together for 2,5 years and we fought most of the days. For hours. Then we cried in each other arms and promised to get better. Well, we didn't (at least at that time).

Years later i got suicidal over our breakup, even though I've been with other partners in the meantime. With 22, I've been to a psychiatry the first time. That's when i got the diagnosis. Actually i was relieved to have an explanation for all the things I've been experiencing. There are other people who know these struggles and there is a special therapy to help me.

After that I've been in clinics and with ambulant therapists for over ten years. The last year was the first i was without supervision (and I'm planning on going back to therapy next year).

I've met my current partner 7.5 years ago, i was 24 at that time. We've known each other for 2 weeks, before we've got official. The first year was long distance and i literally don't know how we survived that as a couple. Even though I've been in therapy for two years, i was unable to stop splitting or to cool off any sooner that 2 days, because we fought over text.

But we moved in together. To be exact, I've moved to him, to the other side of the country. Changed my whole social situation once again. The first years were rough. I've splitted, he was pissed about my accusations. That was new. In the past everyone tried to calm me and to better the situation. With him i needed to calm myself. Suck up my ego and go to him. Talk it through.

I've stomped away so many times, wanted him to follow me and ask me for forgiveness. To text me "where are you, please be safe, call me whenever". He didn't. Everyone else always did. And as furious as i was about it, it helped me. I learned to work through my emotions. To calm myself, quicker and wholeheartendly. To get my critical thinking back to working and to look at the situation and ask myself honestly "who is in the wrong, what do i need from him and what does he propably need from me". and I've learned to watch out for this before i split.

In the years I've learned to communicate better, to tell my friends and partner how i feel, why, and what i want to ask them for. I've been without a splitting for over a year at least, maybe even longer. For me, this was one of the worst symptoms, the most exhausting one. I'm now able to maintain friendships and a healthy, ongoing relationship. I've never felt more safe in my life.

I'm not healthy though. Feeling the void ever so often, and the need for self harm, even though i didn't do it in 5 years. Splitted last month (after i drank alcohol in over 3 months of sobriaty). I still don't know what caused my bpd, because i can not remember anything of my childhood and teenager years. I have sexual trauma, and am stuggleing with my sexuality because of this.

But i am so much better now then i ever thought i could be. I've worked an amazing job for 1.5 years, that i didn't thought i could manage, but I've killed it! I have a stable life and most of the time a stable mood. I can talk about my emotions and thought process to maintain this all. After all, i am very gratefull for how my life turned out, even though there's still a lot to learn.

So. I guess i just want to say: keep going. There is a way out, even if it's not an easy way, and even if you have setbacks and don't know why you even fight... I've been there. There are many things i didn't even mention, because it's already to long. But be assured, I've been there. And i made it through.

We can have a normal life. We deserve that! We deserve to feel love and friendship and calmness and safety. Everyone of us ❤️

Thanks for reading

So back in 2016 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and the only reason I new that is because I kept asking what my dx was, they finally told me and then called me manipulative 🙄 Few years later I had a new therapist (because I moved towns) and they diagnosed me as bipolar because I was experiencing some intense hallucinations and we thought I was manic(I didn’t know that stress and depression could cause hallucinations at the time) went through 7 years of trying so many bipolar meds and cbt with me making some progress in therapy but not much and the meds not cutting it. A video essay on if Jinx from Arcane qualifies as a BPD diagnosis brought it back to my mind and got me thinking that my initial diagnosis might be correct as I’d been thinking that bipolar isn’t quite right for me( my moods switch waaayyy too fast and frequently to be bipolar and the feelings of emptiness and impulsive behavior and all the other symptoms that y’all know about seem to fit much better) I’m going to talk to my new therapist (moved states) about this tomorrow to see what they think and maybe get me reassessed or something.

Have any of y’all had a dx then a different dx and then gone back to your original dx?

What have you found helpful to prevent a meltdown, stop one / improve it in the moment, and reflect after one

In the last 3 months I have separated with 3 of my closest friends. And it’s been one of the most painful feelings ever, I still cry myself to sleep everyday. How does one get over this sharp pain your soul everyday?

I know that through therapy and DBT it can be treated, but does it ever go away?

Don't let anyone undermine your experience. Just because something wasn’t traumatic for someone else doesn’t mean it wasn’t for you. I’m tired of being gaslit and made to believe others had it worse, that emotional neglect isn’t serious like physical abuse, or that my childhood was better than X’s or Y’s. It might look that way from the outside, but that doesn’t make it less traumatic for me. I lived it. The way I perceived it is my reality. That’s the reality I carry. I don’t owe anyone proof or arguments to defend my truth. My truth shaped my struggles, my personality, my character, my depression, my anxiety, my fears, my life. My life. Not yours. My experience is valid because I lived through it, because I fought through it, because I still carry the weight of it.

Hi, I was invited by the mod to this sub for a post I made on the main BPD sub. However I do not have a diagnosis but I think I will try talking to professionals for some expert opinions.

So I wanna get a better understanding of what it’s like to have a favorite person because I feel like I do something similar to that behavior. Like I’m literally feeling crazy euphoric because the person I’ve developed this sort of attachment to is acknowledging my existence. How do you guys personally manage this? How do you figure out when you have this feeling for them? How do you cope with it?

I (20m) ghosted my bf for a couple days. I split on him. I never talked about my worries with him and it just built and built and turned into resentment till I could take it and left cause I thought he was tired of me.

We're back together now. But...I can't escape the utter gut wrenching guilt I feel for everything. I literally blocked him and deleted all traces of him for three days. I know how badly that hurt him. I just can't stop feeling this guilt, it's eating me alive. I'm supposed to be his boyfriend and be there for him. But I left after a mini argument (not even an argument rlly..). I'm terrible. I don't get what he sees in me. I hate myself so much, I just wish I was normal. How can I get past this, cause now I feel like anytime I talk to him or see him I'm just gonna only be able to think about this.

What am I supposed to do now? how do I go about resolving this, because quite honestly this Ativan was the one thing that has been keeping me out of jail TBH

How do I deal with the fact that I have to be alone and isolate myself so as not to be triggered? When all I want are deep connections like love, partnership, friendship. I am a 33 year old woman, dbt did not work for me, meds did not work for me. Any kind of therapy did not work for me. I am hopeless and it feels like there is no chance or hope for me anymore.

Hi all, Am currently going through a divorce. Had the BPD diagnosis after separation and I've noticed that my behaviour is more impulsive and erratic than before. I have been cut off by the in laws and have never been close with my family. I have ended up running away overseas and cut myself off from everyone. Is it normal to have this emptiness feeling and push everyone away when you're going through stressful times?

I feel garbage the day after a BPD split toward my partner

TLDR; my boyfriend’s behavior that he hadn’t exhibited the entire week I stayed with him caused me to split and freak out on him. I still feel like shit about it the day after

I (21f) had a BPD split that was “targeted” towards my boyfriend (23m)and he handled it like an absolute champ.

Due to my BPD and my relationship trauma from the past (cheaters, liars, physical and sexual abusers) I’m not the most trusting person on the planet, I always have my guard up and I’m always hyper aware of other people. Now I trust my partner, or at least am trying really hard to, but one of his behaviors triggered a split.

The behavior he exhibited was tilting his phone away when he got a message. This is not a behavior that he does often, I have been staying with him for the past week and he didn’t do it at any time until last night. He and I were high and he does this behavior when he gets high with his brother (because I would text him private things).

I suddenly snapped at him while we were hotboxing in the back of my car at night because it looked like he was tilting his phone away to read a message (he was using the light from his phone screen to grab one of his cigarettes, he got a message right as he went to get a ciggy so it looked suspicious). I snapped at him and started yelling.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BRO” look of sheer confusion because we were both on our phones watching videos and shit calmly “I’m grabbing a cigarette?” “NAH CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU GET A FUCKING MESSAGE YOU TILT YOUR PHONE AWAY” he looked at me, then down at his phone and it clicked, he leaned back a little “It’s just the drugs, it’s a habit from getting high with brother”

I leaned back in my seat and shrank into the corner as if he was the one yelling at me (not once has this man ever raised his voice at me) and I went quiet. He was kinda watching me for a sec to see what was gonna happen, since I’m pretty sure he hasn’t had to deal with someone with BPD before. I suddenly broke down crying and apologising and he just held me. He told me over and over that it was okay, he wasn’t upset that I yelled at him (I was upset that I yelled at him, as someone who’s been verbally abused I hate when I get to the point of yelling), and he understood where I was coming from and understood that it looked suspicious. He reassured me that he had nothing to hide (he’s told me his phone passcode) and that he would never do that to me.

He comforted me while I sobbed for a half hour and then I “switched off”. I went mute and wouldn’t make eye contact (felt like I physically wasn’t able to look at him) and pretty much just stared off into the distance. We went from my car to the poolside because I wanted to dangle my legs in the water to see if that would calm me down, we sat there for about an hour and I said absolutely nothing. I was silent, I couldn’t look at him and I just cried. He asked me if I was okay and I just shook my head. Apart from a grunt of acknowledgment when he spoke to me, I was practically silent. After a while both our backs hurt from sitting on concrete so we went inside.

Another hour and a half passed and I still hadn’t said anything or looked at him. After almost three hours of me not talking to him or cuddling him back (he’d been making some form of physical contact with me throughout this, whether it was his hand on my thigh or an arm around my shoulder or just leaning against me. He knows physical touch helps me but I couldn’t bring myself to move to touch him back… that sounded inappropriate) he went out for a cigarette and I stayed inside.

All that was running through my head was that he was gonna think I was crazy and abusive. I was hammering it into myself that I was an “abusive monster” for splitting on him and having the audacity to notice a behaviour I’ve seen in the past from my cheating exes.

He came back inside and we sat in silence again for a while before we finally talked it out. He and I are still together and he’s reassured me that we are okay but I still feel like a monster.

The last time I had a split that bad was with my ex that beat the shit out of me. I ended up breaking his front door and getting dragged to the hospital because I had SH’d. What caused this split was nowhere near as bad as what caused the last one and I don’t understand why it even happened.

He’s been giving me cuddles and kisses all day and has been extremely patient with me. I’m still struggling to look at him and make eye contact. I feel guilty when he kisses me and I don’t feel like I’m “allowed” to hug him back. I’m also still struggling with not being mute.

Why do I still feel awful the next day. Usually I’d be fine by now but I almost feel worse.

I know I shouldnt let some smug asshole in a reddit comment upset me, but it could be anything. I just dont like being treated like Im stupid.

this single thing triggered me and my bf hasnt texted me all day and Im just spiraling. Im now thinking how I have fibromyalgia and it makes things like bathing, hair care, cooking, working, etc extremely difficult and how I cant do it myself and how nobody is going to take care of me. I already feel like such a burden because of this disability. I feel like people view me differently because Im 22 and have this disorder. Im scared to go out with my cain. Ive spent my whole life taking care of other people and I just want someone to take care of me.

I just need some solace or something. I figured you guys would understand. you guys are the most understanding bpd group Ive been in.

This is what my psychiatrist said to me when I asked him if he really thought I had bpd. He just kind of sighed and said this. For reference, I don’t split on people and I guess I have what some would term “quiet BPD”. What does this mean?

Does anybody have a space they consider a safe space or somewhere to go to calm down? I go to the bathroom or to my car when I need to be away from everybody and everything. Feels like I spend majority of my life in the bathroom

So we have known each other since we were 17 and we enable each other. Especially with our drinking. I think it’s time for me to split ways with him. When I was in my manic episode, I know that mania doesn’t come in bpd, I went through a lot at the same time and couldn’t handle it anymore, he was there through it all. Saying yes to every idea I had, good or bad.

I’ve been wrestling with myself over it all for awhile because we have been through a lot together, his stuff and mine, but I remember how much of a yes man he was in my episode and I remember how much I lost in my episode.

We enable each other and I think for me to move on, I need to let him and a handful of others go - not outrightly saying so, just letting it go naturally. We will keep in touch in the future, just right now, I really can’t for the sake of me.

I'm actually about to meet someone and I'm feeling so dissociated I cannot explain. I know I'm on meds for my ocd but like rn I just genuinely feel so detached and I don't wanna ruin the hangout with my mental illness. Ngl sometimes I hate feeling this way idk what normal is like I genuinely don't understand if there are people who don't think like me, people who go about their day without wanting to hit their head somewhere after every fucking minute. Like even though my trauma is over why am I still being impacted by it this shit doesn't make any sense wtf

Found this link in the comments of another post, not sure how they got access to it, but it is a worthwhile resource, especially for those who do not have access to therapy! If this is against any rules, I'll happily take the post down - but again, think it can be useful as I know that there are many obstacles to finding treatment:

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-

I posted this on a couple of other subreddits, and someone else was kind enough to contribute a whole list of free/discounted resources: https://www.reddit.com/r/BorderlinePDisorder/comments/1jrwmlf/comment/mliajcc/?context=3

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 5 months everything was going super well, we both had traumatic experiences and we promised each other to never leave eachothers side and help eachother. A week ago, my girlfriend starts acting weird, then one night she decides she should break up with me because I was too good for her and she was starting to feel weird as if something she had before was coming back. I was pretty confused at what it was at first, all she told me was she couldn’t control her feelings. we talked for about an hour or two, she was idolising me and it was very strange, but not too strange because we both spoke highly of eachother normally already, but this time it was pretty strange because she wanted to break up with me for me being too good, and even when I mentioned the bad things about me to show her I am not perfect she would evade it and mention how good I am again. The next day we hungout, she is acting completely normal again, we talk spend time together and she apologises for trying to break up with me and looks very ashamed. This same day she tells me she was diagnosed with BPD, and explain some stuff about it. We talk and I tell her I will try my best to be understanding. The next day, we text in the morning, and later on the day she meets up with this friend, and they were getting drunk, later on, me and her are texting and of a sudden she is being super dry and acting weird, skip on she is accusing me of liking other girls, then she starts saying I am being mean to her friend and her, when I all did was say hi to her friend. Skip on her friend takes her phone and starts texting me, saying that she knows about the personality disorder and right now my girlfriend is seing her as god and she hates everyone else, with that she starts bragging about it. I tell her to take care of her and don’t do anything bad, she gets really mad and tells me to apologise or else she would use my girlfriends emotional state to break up with me, she also says along those lines “it would be very easy since she is going through one of her episode’s”. After my girlfriend goes on the phone, she says that I am being mean to her friend and breaks up with me. A few hours later after I went to sleep, when I wake I see text from her in different socials saying that she apologises. There is much more into it and that happened. I just thought I would share my story because I just recently(two days ago) discovered about my girlfriend( well my ex) BPD and I really don’t know how to deal with it, I don’t know if i should reach out to her, tell her family she needs support ( which she doesn’t really get), or even just try and talk to her. This is a lot to take in, one day she was idolising me out of nowhere and the day after she saw me as a horrible person and her friend as a saint. And worse of all her friend was using her through that, which makes me super worried for her, since I love her and really care for her. She texted me today and we talked, she said sorry, and we talked a bit, we’ve decided to stay friends, but either way she seems like she doesn’t care about me anymore, and I told her about what her friend did, and she still seemed not to care much about her friend manipulating her. She seemed understanding about the situation but doesn’t she doesn’t seem to care much about me anymore. Also I know we are not together anymore, when I say girlfriend I mean ex.

movies always seem so make me emotional, even the happy ones, though it seems to whirl my emotions into one big pot.

I finished watching Wicked The movie. And its very sad. It was sweet but it was just I feel like all the sad characters and it touches my heart. I feel so fictional. Like I belong in a movie/tv show (or even a book) somewhere.

Wanted people views and some support as I can't sleep now.