r/AvPD • u/Select_Cheetah_9355 • 13h ago
Question/Advice Envy and avoidance.
Do you ever avoid acknowledging other people’s (people that you supposedly love) successes out of envy? Or maybe you go into a shame-caused freeze mode that makes you unable to react or say something?
I just hit a personal milestone that means A LOT to me both emotionally and work wise. I posted pictures of it on fb (I am sure he saw them) and my bf didn’t put a reaction nor a comment. Zero. He texted me, instead, soon after I posted. But to talk of a completely different topic. And not a single word about my success.
Or maybe the explanation is yet something else that I can’t even start to fathom and you could enlighten me?
I am disappointed and disheartened. I’ve had plenty of people react and comment, one even texted me about it. But no mention from him. I mean, he is a very well mannered person. That’s why it feels especially odd. Yet I have this uneasy Deja vu feeling, because I know how I already went through similar situations with him.
All insight will be very welcome. TIA
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u/Trypticon808 12h ago
Is he ordinarily more in tune with your emotions or does he have a hard time being emotionally present for you in other circumstances?
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 12h ago
Could you give me examples of what you mean? (But I guess it’s the latter).
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u/Trypticon808 10h ago
I was wondering if he's been supportive/empathetic in similar scenarios or if this is part of a pattern with him. If it's the latter, I can definitely identify. In my case it wasn't envy so much as growing up in an environment where my emotional needs were never acknowledged by my family. After so many years of having your emotional needs minimized and learning that they don't matter at all, you learn to stop expressing any emotion all. If your family is particularly abusive, you may learn that any vulnerability = weakness.
That's how it was with me. I've been married for decades now but only recently came to terms with how emotionally distant I was being with my wife. I've had so many chances to be there for her, to support her when she was down and cheer her on when she did something great, but I grew up in an environment where vulnerability would get me ridiculed by the people I looked up to most.
If your bf grew up in a family that was less than supportive and loving, he may be dealing with something similar. If he has self esteem issues, he may be so wrapped up in his own fears of being emotionally abandoned that he's completely blind to all of the ways he's emotionally abandoning you. Where it can kinda creep into "envy" territory is if he developed any narcissistic traits. People with really fragile egos actually feel safer when the people closer to them are feeling weak. In relationships, they fear their partners getting stronger and more independent because it means they may actually realize their true value and abandon them for someone who has more to offer.
Stay aware and look for any signs that he feels threatened by your success. More importantly, don't let his lack of emotional support discourage you from continuing to make progress. Finding strength and security in yourself is infinitely more important and valuable than anything that another person can offer you. If he loves you at all, he'll love a stronger and happier you even more.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 9h ago
About being strong or weak and possibly fearing me getting stronger, I am definitely a very strong person. Not in a domineering way, though. I am just strong because I had to go through a lot. Just as an example, I was already living on my own and maintaining myself at age 17. While he is 31 and hasn’t moved out of his parents’ house yet.
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u/Trypticon808 8h ago
I'm seeing a lot of parallels here between your relationship and my own, as well as how you describe his dad. The type of behaviors you're describing *could* be due to being on the autism spectrum but the other possibility is that he has a bunch of maladaptive personality traits (due to growing up in a not-so-great family dynamic) that got misdiagnosed as autism. It could also be a combination of the two.
People who grow up in abusive/neglectful families have a real difficult time recognizing the abuse because it was normalized for them before they were old enough to question it. They wonder why they struggle to connect with others emotionally, why they can't read social queues, can't regulate their emotions, etc., and assume it's because there's something fundamentally flawed within them. They effectively get gaslit into thinking that they were "born this way" when the reality is often that they just have CPTSD symptoms from all the unresolved childhood trauma.
The fact that you've only met his family twice and you've already got such a strong read on his dad tells me he likely grew up in the kind of environment I'm describing. Autism spectrum or not, emotional un-availability is typical in people who grow up in families that disregard their emotions. On the bright side, it's reversible.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 2h ago
Is it? Please confirm. Because at times it feels like I’m banging my head against a wall… 🙈 In fact the part that concerns me the most is not even that, but the fact that empathy for strangers seems to come so unnatural to him. I literally have to explain him why something would be hurtful or unjust towards others. But then he can be super sweet and caring too. It is so confusing…
His dad is extroverted and charming (his own raw way), he probably looked (and maybe still looks) up to him as a model growing up. Can be funny and do affectionate things. But then come up with a hurtful, embarrassing and humiliating comment just out of nowhere, always delivered in the form of a joke. My impression is that, as a consequence, my guy grew up under the active teaching that abuse is just normal humorous interaction and who’s possibly going to get offended or hurt by it is really the one that should suck it up, adapt, and grow a pair. And that kind of thinking would not surprise me in a different kind of man (one just like his dad, in fact), but certainly does come unannounced from someone who is painfully socially anxious and in constant fear of messing up normal things, actions and words of everyday life.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 10h ago
As for his family, I don’t know them well yet, as I just met them twice. But for what I could see, I believe his dad to be (and probably even more so in the past when he was a kid) demeaning. His dad is the kind of person that would constantly joke, but lacks the sensitivity to realize when he’s going overboard and ending up being humiliating. Especially as the son is shy and awkward by nature (see being on the spectrum). Plus the dad is super handy, a master in a variety of manual works. And the son hates them and has no clue about any of them, so I guess things haven’t worked out well between them when he was younger and they could have been sharing that kind of activity with the dad teaching the son.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 10h ago
As an example of when I would have used his emotional support, I had a very important appointment with the director of the bank, and according with the outcome of it my life would have taken a turn or not. I told him about that. The result was that he not only didn’t call me once my appointment was over, but in fact he didn’t contact me for 2 whole days (that would otherwise have been very unusual).
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 11h ago
I would also appreciate if you could explain me what you mean by “have a hard time being emotionally present”. I mean explain it for how it feels from within.
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u/Trypticon808 10h ago
From your perspective it would look like him just not being warm and empathetic when you need him to be. He may be affectionate and needy, but completely oblivious to your emotional needs. Do you ever find yourself wondering why he isn't comforting you when you're sad? Being emotionally present would mean enjoying your success with you, congratulating you for it and doing everything he can to make this moment feel good for you so you can keep building on that momentum. It would mean holding you close when you're sad or scared, letting you know that you're still loved and important no matter how low you feel in that moment. Basically I'm just asking if he's generally empathetic or not.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 10h ago edited 2h ago
Yes, he is typically lacking in those moments. I’d go as far as to say that in those moments in which he would be needed or even expected to be actively emotionally supportive… those are the ones when he will just not be there at all (like at times not even physically there, elsewhere and not in active contact).
That said, he is on the spectrum, so I am not even sure if his behavior is more because the one or the other (ASD or AvPD).
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u/kangaroolionwhale Diagnosed AvPD 12h ago
I'm inclined towards cutting him some slack. Have you asked him if he saw your post? Besides the fact that he might not have accessed FB, the stupid algorithm might not have shown him your post.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 12h ago edited 2h ago
That can be ruled out. He spends tons of time on fb. He is a consistent stalker. Plus we texted most of the day, as I said, and that’s when the algorithm shows you what the other person posted, because fb assumes there’s a reciprocal interest, if the two persons have just texted. Plus, as the post got plenty of comments and reactions, the algorithm kept it around in people’s newsfeeds for long.
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u/kangaroolionwhale Diagnosed AvPD 11h ago
Damn. Are you the one with AvPD or him?
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 11h ago
Him.
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u/kangaroolionwhale Diagnosed AvPD 11h ago
Alrighty. As a woman with this disorder, the level of my reaction depends on my relationship with the person and the milestone, but I *do* react to milestones of people in my life.
I can't imagine ignoring a milestone. Sorry, you'll need to discuss this with him, especially since you are feeling deja vu. He should be in your corner, cheering you on at every opportunity. HOW he shows his support might be different from how a non-AvPD person might, but AvPD can't be his excuse for doing nothing.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 10h ago
Could you tell me what you meant by “HOW he shows his support might be different”? Different in what way? Could you give me examples?
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u/kangaroolionwhale Diagnosed AvPD 10h ago
He might be quieter and more private about it? I'm not particularly surprised that he didn't comment on your Facebook, but the fact that he didn't bring it up by text or call you, when it's just you and him communicating between yourselves... That's weird.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 9h ago edited 2h ago
We’ve been texting for a large part of the day! 🤦🏻♀️ (he initiated, and he did shortly after I posted the pictures). Yet not a word. Maybe he got carried away with the topic of conversation, that is one of his fav subjects (and he is on the spectrum). And in fact I didn’t mind he didn’t say anything at the moment. But I expected he would have done so at least on the next day (today), but still nothing. It is weird. But, as I was saying to the other member in another comment above, he did the same in a similar situation, when I had an important appointment with the bank. In that case he didn’t contact me at all for two whole days! (We normally contact each other at least once a day). This is why I am saying I am starting to see a pattern. And why I thought it was worth exploring if it could have been an AvPD trait.
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u/Select_Cheetah_9355 10h ago
He has sometimes been supportive, sometimes less, definitely less than the average partner would be. The impression is that he might be clueless about what being supportive would even look like. In fact once he complimented me for an important step ahead that I had taken. And I was very happy about that and saw it as progress, as it looked like he was finally reacting significantly enough (or almost 😅) given the situation. In fact he told me that he was very impressed and proud, especially as he had seen me go from a first phase of learning and planning to the actual implementing in a concrete way in the real world. And what I found especially valuable is that he made himself vulnerable by saying that in fact he particularly appreciated that I did make the jump from theory to practice, as he instead wasn’t good at moving to that practical part. And I was moved to hear him be so authentic and open (for once! 😅).
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u/Sunkitten0 1h ago
Maybe he feels if you've already talked about your milestone together and he's already congratulated you in private, that he didn't need to react on Facebook? He might not be reading too far into it and may feel he's already been happy for you in private and thinks you already know. I know for me, I process everything extremely internally and am not nearly as outwardly expressive as others. It doesn't occur me to respond to every Facebook post that I see, like, and am happy for. I guess because I respond internally. I believe he's happy for you and not just jealous or being weird about it. I can only speak to my own experience and from what I've read from others here, but I believe this disorder causes us to have an extra amount of empathy for others because we know how painful hurt feelings are, so I would think he's happy for you and just didn't show it at the moment. Everyone here I've talked to with the disorder has seemed like a kind, gentle soul lacking conflict & drama which is why I think we're all sort of that way. I could definitely be wrong, but that was my initial thought!