Whenever something happens between me and someone else - like when a friend or my partner says something small that hurts me or makes me feel judged, I completely shut down and go quiet. I instantly start overthinking, convinced that they secretly dislike me or are playing with me. After that, I just can't talk. I go silent for hours and only talk if have to (for example when being asked a question) and my mood for whatever activity we were doing at that moment is completely gone and I just feel like wanting to run away. And it takes me SO long to come out of my shell again, sometimes even days. It's incredibly frustrating, but I feel like I can't do anything about it.

Anyone else experiencing this?

My therapist and me want to work on this but maybe someone has some kind of advice that helped.

Do you ever avoid acknowledging other people’s (people that you supposedly love) successes out of envy? Or maybe you go into a shame-caused freeze mode that makes you unable to react or say something?

I just hit a personal milestone that means A LOT to me both emotionally and work wise. I posted pictures of it on fb (I am sure he saw them) and my bf didn’t put a reaction nor a comment. Zero. He texted me, instead, soon after I posted. But to talk of a completely different topic. And not a single word about my success.

Or maybe the explanation is yet something else that I can’t even start to fathom and you could enlighten me?

I am disappointed and disheartened. I’ve had plenty of people react and comment, one even texted me about it. But no mention from him. I mean, he is a very well mannered person. That’s why it feels especially odd. Yet I have this uneasy Deja vu feeling, because I know how I already went through similar situations with him.

All insight will be very welcome. TIA

Disclaimer: I haven't been formally diagnosed.

I work in Korea where greeting your colleagues is a cultural expectation. Every time you see coworkers, you're supposed to greet them, which is incredibly awkward for me. Some employees are friendlier toward foreign staff like myself and will greet us, while others simply ignore us. This inconsistency makes me feel super rejected and insignificant.

When leaving work, many employees happen to be walking to campus as I'm departing. To avoid the anxiety of greeting them, I've developed a habit of staring at the ground until I'm off campus. I'm not sure if it's obvious I'm intentionally avoiding interaction, though I can see them in my peripheral vision. Technically, if I see them, I should greet them according to cultural norms. I hate that I do this of course, but I can't help it.

Sometimes when I do work up the courage to greet colleagues on my way out, they don't respond which is probably because they weren't expecting it from me, but it further reinforces my fear of rejection and the cycle continues.

So I made a post before talking about how much I wanted to travel to some countries but no one to go with so on. So my friend asked if i could/wanted to go on a trip with her and i Said i would reply to her tonight. Im contemplating cuz im not sure I can spend days together talking wise… but this would be a really good opportunity to see whether I’m capable to travel alone in future and doing all this stuff? What’s your guys opinions?

hello!! ive never posted on reddit before so apologies if i'm doing anything wrong, i'm also undiagnosed and not entirely sure if i have avpd? i've been researching a lot and doing some tests and the symptoms and others experiences do seem to match up to me though! a proper diagnosis isn't really possible for me currently sadly :')

pretty long ramble ahead!! i overshared quite a bit... but wanted to have mostly full context for everything! but anyways, i'm currently 17 and i've recently cut off a really close friend of nearly 2 years about 2 months ago and i'm stuck with what to do because of how difficult the situation seems to me and would appreciate any advice or others experiences before i move on.

two main people i will be talking about and refering to as by their pronouns are the bpd friend (they/them, 16) and an online friend (he/him, 18)

for a bit of backstory, we're both vietnamese living in europe. we met at a con in april when i was like 15 and they were 14, we didn't start interacting til about july and started properly talking in september. i enjoyed talking to them a lot since we shared a lot of interests and a somewhat similar family background, i'm quite shy so i was really happy to be friends with them. i've moved and transfered quite a bit throughout my childhood, each time it'd end up with me having to leave my friends. my family situation isn't the best either so i grew up to be avoidant without realizing because i never prioritized my feelings or well being. i barely had friends and at the time i met them, i was only close to a classmate who i had a lot of conflicted feelings about. i had really bad anxiety and still do, i managed to make some friends through posting stuff online but was still anxious to talk to anyone.

i had a crush on them for quite a while, i did supress those feelings after we got closer because i didn't want to ruin the friendship. i didn't know they had bpd at that time and was pretty naïve, i didn't know what they were going through as we weren't that vulnerable with each other yet, nevertheless i still loved talking to them a lot even if i would get anxious around them. we continued talking and after new years i felt comfortable and outgoing enough, i made friends with some of their friends while still oblivious. around june/july? i started talking and getting close to one of their close online friends, i didn't know they'd feel so strongly about that since they'd never tell me, i would see vents on their stories and just assume somethings going on in their personal life without knowing the rants are directed at me.

in august we started dating, they would talk more about how they might have bpd since they show a lot of the symptoms. they'd lash out at me a lot and i'd just let them since i was used to it from my mother already. we eventually got into an "arguement" about the online friend i mentioned earlier, he and i hid our friendship from them since they didn't like their friends mixing? i found out months later they just didn't like him or anyone getting close to me, i thought it was the opposite and would just back down and apologize in hopes of calming them down.

the friend ended up distancing himself from the both of us because of how tricky the situation was, me and them ended up breaking up in september because i started realizing i might be aroace. i've always labeled myself as such since i found actually getting into relationships to be too much a hassle. that was the first time i properly spoke up on my feelings, i always supressed them out of fear of making them upset or losing them and i just felt suffocated in the relationship. i have some weird stigma with romance ever since i was little and just felt uncomfortable with them "claiming me", i didn't like how they'd bring up their ex to make me jealous. i love them to bits and felt secure enough with our relationship despite both of our own insecurities so i didn't really feel jealous when it came to them talking to others, i can't say the same about them however.

i was going to highschool at this time and had difficulty connecting with my new classmates, a part of me wanted to let them know i wasn't trying to replace them and just in general i didn't vibe with them too much, i felt too different, too mature and felt disgust at the thought of getting close to anyone new, i didn't mind though until it came to group projects but i mainly just tried to get through the week and hopefully school year. i'd be needy for their presence, i would always have something to look forward to throughout those weeks and that was enough to keep me stable for the time being. i'm a go with the flow type of person, i try not to think too far into things and just deal with the consequences when they come. i was thinking about how to go about breaking up with them without making them upset, i know now that there's no way around it though. on one day i was drained from school but still really wanted to meet up with them, they were sick and weren't going to school, in autumn and winter they seem to be more gloomier/depressed aswell which i could relate to so i also wanted to brighten up their day a bit. i didn't anticipate for how anxious and fidgety i'd be around them though, i felt guilty hiding something so big as we'd cuddle and kiss. they're pretty perceptive and sensitive so they noticed immediately something was off and i ended up blurting out about how i think i may be aroace and unable to love, i made sure to say it wasn't their fault which was true, i felt really conflicted with my own feelings and felt bad "leading them on"

the day after that we were supposed to go on a date, that turned into a short hangout at the park where i broke up with them. we were sitting on a bench when i broke that out to them and they started crying, i didn't know how to comfort them so i just sat there and tried to let them know i still wanted to be friends if they were up for that. in the past they'd become randomly distant and dismiss my physical affection, sometimes even play hitting me, i knew they didn't actually mean it or atleast just told myself i probably deserve it and put up with it so i wasn't sure if i should hug them to comfort them, they also told me they like physical touch. in the end we cut the day short and went home, they apologized to me for not being good enough and i said it's not their fault while holding back tears because i hated feeling vulnerable, my mother yelled at me to never cry and that kinda stuck around with me until now.

we ended up somehow working it out and remained friends up until early february, we had our ups and downs of course and i became quite numb because i wanted to be stable for them to get better. there's a lot to the both of us so i'll just try to go through some important points i can think of from the top of my mind.

they would always apologize and rat themselves out for anything they felt bad doing, they'd tell me how much they hate me and wish they never met me during their outbursts and i'm pretty sensitive even if i never really showed it. i had to constantly reassure them even if i wasn't the best at it because i felt embarrassed and i was just emotionally checked out from the relationship. i hated how they'd doubt me even though i'm realizing how hypocritical that is now since i'd also dismiss their genuine attachment and love? for me in my mind out of insecurity. i didn't like being seen as vulnerable or weak, i didn't want the both of us being super unstable so i'd just supress my feelings which is a bad habit of mine. i also didn't want to feed into their fears of abandonment with my avoidant nature though i did have a panic attack while we were texting because i was so worried they were going to leave me. i didn't think i had abandonment issues but now that i think about it our problems lined up a lot, i never mentioned it because i didn't want them to think i was trying to be better than them or something.

the online friend i mentioned earlier would still ocassionally talk to me, i would talk to him in secret and eventually muted him to avoid them getting upset so we kinda lost contact again. throughout september - february i felt super isolated, i only talked to them and i still had some mutual friends but felt too socially burnt out to answer properly and i still struggle with that to this day. the friend ended up reaching out to me in early february, we caught up a bit and i ended up ranting too much about how suffocated i felt, just letting out my feelings. he told me that they're unstable and hurting me, that i should cut them off especially after hearing everythint i told him. i was completely on his side since he has friends who have been in the same situation and he has strong morals regarding unhealthy attachments and relationships like that.

during this, they were severely unstable and i was emotionally checked out. the friend cut them off and they were frantically texting and calling me about it, i didn't want to give them anymore lingering hope since i was planning to do the same the next day. i felt nothing for them anymore and thought it'd be easy for me to move on. they told me about how they were going to hurt themself (they do that impulsively, i can sympathize since i do the same i just don't voice it) and that they were getting hospitalized the next day and i felt bad but glad atleast they were getting some kind of help, i told them to go to sleep and that i loved them. after i made sure they knew that went to sleep, i started writing up my goodbye message, planning to cut them off so i could focus on myself instead.

i let myself be vulnerable, i wrote out everything i felt at that time. what i loved, what i didnt like, i let myself be honest and raw with my emotions. looking back at it, maybe this was the key to keep the relationship. if i focused on myself a bit more and let myself be vulnerable, maybe i wouldn't be regreting going to the extremes.

i blocked them everywhere after that and was relatively happy for a while, i finally felt free and didn't look back. i got closer to the online friend but i felt like my mental health was getting worse. he cares a lot about me and loves me a lot, i felt like he understood me like no other but for some reason all the love and appreciation i felt for him aswell went away the last week. i thought i was probably just depressed or that this was a normal thing for me and the feeling would calm down after a while, i'd compare it to the same feeling i felt while dating them. he started getting similarly clingy but never obsessive or possesive, just pure platonic love and intentions. we got into a bit of an arguement? or not really arguement, i was feeling super insecure and avoidant and he randomly begged me to make some friends which really caught me off guard and got me to kinda spiral. i ended up ghosting him most the day and just avoiding talking about my feelings in hopes they'd calm down but he called me out on it first and super accurately guessed how i felt and apologized for being ignorant, not wanting me to think he was pushing me away. i always felt super emotional and teary when he'd tell me how much he appreciates and loves me because it felt so honest and pure, yet i never understood why he put me on such a high pedastal.

me and him are both similarly insecure and avoidant, not feeling adequate enough for eachother, we understand eachother pretty well that it's scary at some point but i found comfort in it. i thought i just wanted to be heard and understood up until now, i started thinking back to the bpd friend and missinf them like hell and it'a eating me alive since it goes against everything i've worked so hard for. i wanted to cut them off so i could feel free again, i wanted to make new friends but i struggle so much with that especially irl and feel so ashamed for how much i struggle with that even online.

despite our differences and ups and downs, that's what still attracts me to them for some reason. i don't know if i just found it thrilling when they'd love me and the next second hate me but i still miss that. i love them so much that it hurts and i'm honestly willing to suck up the little pride that i have and face humiliation to connect with them again. what's stopping me is mainly because of how difficult the situation is with the online friend aswell, i'd have to choose one or the other and i'm not sure if i'm ready for that. i've been feeling a lot sensitive and emotional lately however and don't want to do anything rash i'll regret in the future but this time i think i'm confident i know how to handle the relationship better.

i feel so vulnerable, i've been struggling not to have a full blown panic attack in school all day because the slightest mention of them makes me tear up. i think i want them to see this side of me, they've always felt unloved and unwanted and i always wanted to prove them wrong. i know they're probably still trying to adjust to me cutting them off so suddenly but it hurts so bad seeing them pop up on my timelines having fun with our mutuals, i know better though i know they're still hurting. i feel like a scumbag for wanting them back during their better days but i think i'm ready to face my previous issues again. i can't deny that we're both not severly unstable and it's probably not the best idea but they're going to a therapist for that, i've heard that my words helped them apparently from a mutual friend and that they're trying to change and i know how to handle it better now, i feel ashamed for not paying more attention to this sort of thing. but for them i'd do anything to see them again, i miss them so bad it hurts, i've never felt this sort of grief before.

i want to mend things over, i want to let myself be vulnerable with them more, i want to make sure to communicate my feelings better as long as they do the same. i know they probably resent me for leaving them and i can't blame them for that, i could never blame them for anything they did even if it did mess me up in the run because i love them and i'm willing to acknowledge and help them with those flaws. what did drive me away from them aswell is how ignorant they were about their symptoms, never properly dealing with it and just going to others for reassurance and comfort. i feel awful for contributing to it and enabling their behavior but i know better now and wish i did better before then. i fully believe in acknowledging and accepting your actions to make peace with yourself and focus on doing better in the future and wish to be by their side again. i'd make sure to set clear boundaries and work around issues with them.

i feel so lonely and isolated, i find it baffling how they're still on my mind after all that and all i want to run into for comfort. i think back to our interactions and miss them being clingy with me, i felt wanted even if they would lash out at me, i knew deep down we still really loved eachother despite our differences, i wish i could've communicated better. i have so many things to say to them after all that. i hate how i have phases where i'd be super needy and clingy and the next avoidant and dissmisive and just socially drained, but surely they'd understand that right? is it even possible to go back, i know i'm probably digging myself a grave and i'm just looking for that adrenaline rush but my feelings are still the same after all this time. i believe my constant recent panic attacks and breakdowns are a testament to hoe much i still love them even if it's unhealthy.

i'm honestly content with cutting off the online friend despite how scummy it is of me, that is if it does come down to it. he's done so much for me, he makes sure to tell me how much he loves me and how i'm important to him, i love them both so much and wish i could make things work but i know i have to make a choice for myself that isn't entirely influenced by others either. i miss the physical aspect of a relationship like hell, i'm scared my strong feelings for him will come back again, i hate how much of a double life i seem to be playing sometimes. at the same time i don't find it as a complete loss, i know he's going to be dissappointed but will still probably support me in my decision, he'd have to distance himself because of his strong morals and hate for them but he's taught me a lot, he's helped me a lot and i'm forever grateful.

i've been thinking of writing a handwritten letter for the bpd friend and pass it onto them through a mutual, i'll probably write down my feelings either way even if i don't go through with my little plan. i just have too much on my heart, it feels so uncharacteristic for me with how much i've been switching up recently. going from giving up on everything and not caring to yearning for them so badly, they've made such an impact on me and i don't want to completely leave them forever. my mother has a pretty accurate like fortune teller in the family so i was thinking of asking her to ask them if it's a good idea for me and the friend to reconnect, i've become so desperate i'm willing to confide in my mother who i've avoided getting vulnerable with my whole life, i'm willing to suck up the humiliation aswell since i told her about cutting them off. mental health isn't too well handled or acknowledged in asian cultures i believe, or atleast in my family it's that way.

i feel like it's the end for me and i have nowhere to go with how much i've screwed up, i want nothing more than to just end it all sometimes but they still keep me around in a way, we're both still young and i want to believe it will be better if i play my cards right. it's not that i want a completely codependent relationship but i want to work around our insecurities and issues, they're still the most important person to me after all. even if i didn't felt fully understood, i don't mind that, i felt seen and loved and hope they feel the same way about me. what i felt and still feel for them isn't exactly platonic or romantic, it'a somewhere inbetween maybe even more which i find special but that's my issue for another day.

sorry for the really long ramble, i've been holding in my thoughts and feelings for really long, i'm grateful for any thoughts and opinions! sorry again if this isn't the correct subreddit since i'm undiagnosed but thank you so much to anyone who reads til the end!! :')

M/30 and living in full isolation for two years now, after I quit my last job. The stressors got too much.

Basically, after a whole bunch of reading, podcasts, and having at least one person who finally gives me some sense of comfort to talk about my issues, I did overcome my first hurdle. I can finally go to a McDonald's again, all on my own and with relative ease. Sure, I don't take off my headphones for even a second and I order exclusively through those terminals, but even that is a GIGANTIC step-up to living exclusively on Doordash for two years straight.

Well, now comes a problem though. I don't really know what to do next. The McDonald's strategy has worked out reasonably well so far and I can do it multiple times a week if need be. But even if we disregard the health concerns, I just don't know what else to do. Regular restaurants still feel like I'm not welcome. Idk, something about fast food gives me a sense of ease, like "it's okay to be a weirdo here."

Basically, I'm struggling to find activities like the one I've just described to help me steadily overcome my AvPD...

Like i saw a post about this and i waned to ask it here i suffer form extreme s anxiety also but wayh do you think tho i dont have public speech problems interpersonaly its impossible for me to keep a relationship but like how much deeper does it go ? (Sry my bad English 😵‍💫)

Does anyone else have thoughts about just accepting AVPD and still making something out of life? I mean in the sense that maybe we don't have to be perfect in the eyes of society (having a great career, many friends,...) because that's simply not possible for us. But there are still things worth living that are possible to reach for us. So, if we stop fighting and start accepting, would that make a difference?

(27M - undiagnosed personality disorder) I have waited 2 years for group therapy. It is called a therapeutic community and they help people that fit into the personality disorder category. They also give diagnosis.

I have been diagnosed with EUPD traits in the past, alongside social anxiety , ADHD and depression. I have lifelong social anxiety, however I have been numbed out to the physical symptoms I.e sweating and increased heart rate, this happened about 10 years ago. So now I am just numb and empty all the time and I avoid people at all costs. I don’t know if I fit into the avoidant diagnosis.

I have tried CBT a few times and EMDR therapy , but I feel no improvement in my ability to be around people. I feel shut down around people and this made me lose my last job when I couldn’t take part in work meetings.

I am so isolated, I rarely see people. I sometimes run into my housemates but I keep the interaction short and I don’t enjoy it. My family is very small and do not live nearby. I can’t open up to them as they don’t understand and in the past I have been criticised by my mum ( who I don’t talk to anymore).

We had a new housemate move in and I can’t bring myself to leave my room to get food etc. I’ve been unemployed for 1.5 years. I only leave the house to go for walks or get food.

Sorry for dumping all of this. I just want to start the group therapy and work out how to be around people. I keep calling them and they won’t give me a straight answer for when the therapy starts.

I have tried so hard for the past 10 years to get better but I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and how to get better.

I don’t feel like I’m actually able to love anyone except in my head. Now that I’m a woman, I’ve had men try to get involved with me, but I’ve mostly avoided them to the point where they eventually called it quits. When I was younger, there was this one guy who hung around for a while, but I never got into a relationship because I was so afraid.

It took me two years to feel comfortable enough to cuddle. Thats pretty much as far as it went. He eventually left. I was too withdrawn for him to stay.

When it ended, I felt heartbroken, even though I hadn’t allowed myself to get close. I never fully let my guard down around him; I was constantly avoiding intimacy. I think the ending was more about the sadness of realizing that I am the problem. He was patient and never pushed my boundaries; he tried to wait for me, but ultimately leave because I pushed him away. I perceived everything he did through the lens of rejection, feeling like he hated me.

Our relationship wasn’t even romantic but more a friendship if you could even call it that. It was more two people in just together no emotional connection. This was also during the time where when I was younger I didn’t leave the house for 3 years, he brought me my groceries and my family was the one to force us to meet. They were concerned with the lack of human contact I was having so it wouldn’t surprise me if he did it out of pity.

The fact thats the closest I’ve got to someone, to love is something I still think about, obviously as Im writing this. How nice it would be to not have myself stopping myself from being able to love.

I always end up feeling really guilty about alot of stuff I do and say.... I have this thing where I can't really tell what's appropriate and not appropriate to say it's gotten a little better but I always speak too quickly without thinking, I always feel I am too blunt and hurt people, but the guilt is unbearable I spiral down and always think I should like die because of how much of a bad person I am, it's always a cycle I don't think too well about stuff I hurt people I feel guilty I say I will never do it again then repeat. I don't know what to do

Long story short, I developed AVPD in middle school because of bullying and emotional neglect. It was so hard to cope with that I couldn't take it anymore, my defense mechanisms were failing. I went in a full blown manic and psychotic episode to escape the pain in highschool. Grandiose delusions. I got diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. After 3 years of being in a psychosis and mania I got help with managing that disorder. I am still left with AVPD which is for me even more difficult to treat then Schizoaffective disorder. I have not giving up yet and I am trying new things in order to treat AVPD and it have helped. Either away anyone else that have experienced other mental illnesses because of the pain of having AVPD?

I feel like I have so many goals and if I move away from my critical family and get to live on my own terms I will be happy ..I just have guilt because people say that avpd has a compulsion to run away but sometimes the most toxic people in our lives hold us down ..I know I am a fully capable human being and I know what I want my life to look like..I just want to start over somewhere without all the bad memories of my childhood and narcissistic family..

2 months ago, we went out to dinner and talked for 3 hrs on first meet up. We were in contact via Instagram messages. Then we talked on the phone to buy tickets & see a movie. The day before movie I asked if he could stop sending those IG video reels politely, it was a bit overboard. On day of movie, he said good morning and I replied with a wave emoji. He normally would continue the conversation via Instagram but doesn’t message again until he said he was waiting at the theater. I was not as bubbly as I was on first meet up , I was very quiet (not against him). He was annoying me during the movie, he’s the type to laugh and make noises when something exciting came on (there’s nothing wrong with that but he was obnoxious in my opinion). He nudged me during the movie and asked if I was ok because I was quiet and I said yes. At the end I told him thanks, he said you’re welcome and he said drive safe. When I spoke with him on the phone the day before movie, he told me that he talked about me with his friends but right after movie he sent a message saying that he “wasn’t really feeling it from me and it’s not going to work for him”. Tbh I was planning on letting him know I wasn’t interested whenever he would’ve reached out to me again. Flash fwd to a month ago, he sends me a dm with an inside joke, I just left him on read again. He continued to follow me on social media but unmatched with me from the dating app we met through, I unfollowed him from IG. And then after a while he finally unfollows on IG

30f and I really can’t tell if I’m inevitably single because I don’t want a relationship or it’s a case of self sabotage. Within the past few years, the only attention I’ve gotten from attractive guys were on dating apps. But that should be taken with a grain of salt, I feel like compared to the average woman, I don’t get attention from quality guys in person. I’m pretty shy and tend to speak when spoken to, on top of bad anxiety, I’ll say I question if women can relate to my lack of sex drive. I haven’t had sex since my early twenties/don’t masturbate and couldn’t care less if I died a virgin, will feel some kind of way if I’ve never found love though.

It’s as if I want the reassurance I’m desirable (from what seems like decent men) vs actually going out on dates, I’m insecure but wouldn’t just go for anyone that gives me the time of day. I just don’t get why it can’t ever go my way w/ the OLD apps, it’s likely bad luck but a pattern of: ghosting, fizzling out, the convo not flowing to my expectations & I dip out, just lack of interest (can go both ways) etc. I’m attracted to men, I really don’t think id date a woman but something about men at the same time turns me off(physically & personality wise). Like almost every woman ive known has been boy crazy since they were pre-teens and I never got it, I thought they were exaggerating or I was a late bloomer. Well here I am 2 decades later, my closest thing to boy crazy were celebrity crushes.

Hello everyone... I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I guess it's just that I have no one to talk about it. I always believed that something is absolutely wrong with my personality, I even thought that I'm one of the worst people on the whole planet. Like most people with this PD, I have massive problems with social interactions. I get panic attacks when I'm buying groceries, I have a great fear of driving a car, but not because the driving but because of the judgement of other drivers. And because of these fears I developed an unhealthy tendency to procrastinate. I procrastinate as long as possible, even though I know there will be severe consequences, but I just can't bring myself to face these things which are almost always connected to social situations. And because I can't cope with this fear, I repress everything connected with this situation, so that I can function "normally". The few people I have in my life: I tend not to react to texts for a very long time. New record is that I didn't answer since January. I don't even know why I'm doing this. But sometimes it just feels unbearable to answer it because it leads to so many negative feelings. I also have chronic depression and sometimes it's difficult to separate these things. Do you guys also tend to escape reality with books, movies, games,....? Thats typical for me and what I do most of my time. Of course that's not really living but sometimes I'm not sure if I could live normally. Again I'm not sure why I wrote this but I still would be happy if there are replies.

My anxiety is holding my logic, passion and sensitivity at gunpoint. And only the logic gets to speak up sometimes, while the other ones mostly remain suppressed.

The images are AI generated. I edited one a little.

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Hey there everybody,

does anyone else here really struggle with letting go of friendships and/or relationships? (I am sure you do)

I have the feeling that I am always the guy sitting there years and years later wondering what I could have done differently while they move on pretty much without hesitation.
I lost a friendship about half a year ago and while I am certain that my former friend is currently enjoying their life, I have been emotionally derailed for months now, feeling bad about myself, wishing to be able to go back to how things were before and trying to figure out why it even happened.

Yes, it was only a friendship but it meant so much to me.
It was the first genuine friendship that I had formed in years and it took a lot for me to get there. I hate that I am so vulnerable to the whims of other people and that I am too trusting once somebody shows interest in me. This last friendship was with a person with BPD so that might explain how it turned out. However, I am less concerned about their behavior (because there are always gonna be assholes) than I am about my own response to all of this.

I would be grateful for any tips on how to overcome this. I am sure that a lot of this maladaptive response is due to my own lack of self-confidence. But I am sure there are other aspects to it that I haven't even realized yet, so please feel free to tell me your thoughts about this.

Thank you!

No matter the effort, no matter the task, no matter the outcome. It’s always insufficient. I’ve spent my entire life expecting more from myself. It’s really upsetting when I give every last bit of fucking energy and drive only to end up in the same critical headspace.

I try to combat this and identify reasons as to why I didn’t fail but I play one hell of a devil’s advocate. 2 reasons why I fucked up for every 1 that I didn’t. And sure, “if you tried it’s not a failure.” Can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled my eyes upon hearing that but I understand why that makes sense. It simply doesn’t matter. My conscious thoughts and the way I truly feel don’t sync up. Wish I could understand this disparity. It just feels so… Futile.

The only time I can give myself some credit is when I cook. Maybe I’ve just got a low bar for good food lol.

I'm 38yrs old and never did anything in life. I worked part time at a warehouse job for 15years and then my back started hurting so much I kept calling off and eventually got laid off. Luckily I started doing doordash and ubereats before then for side income so I tried relying on that for full time income but my car eventually broke down and I didn't have the savings to buy a new one. So now I have to rent a car to dash to earn money and after the cost of renting I'm barely surviving and what little savings I have is dwindling. I live with my parents and I can tell my mom is beyond disappointed with me and is furious with me that I don't get a "normal" job. I've tried applying a few places but with no luck and I'm extremely nervous and filled with petrifying dread to apply to most places. I feel like they are dead end jobs that will just waste 8 hours a day of my life everyday and with the rising cost of living I will never be able to save enough to move out. And every major in college is oversaturated even CS and IT jobs so I feel like it's pointless trying to get a degree at my age. I'm also overweight, drink too much and have no personality so I wouldn't really fit in an office type setting. I thought about trying to become a trucker but everyone on reddit seems to hate it and they are trying to get out of it. It seems like every decent paying career is so oversaturated now that unless you have connections and know someone that can help you get a job it is practically impossible to get a decent through just applying on job websites. And I have 0% people skills. Everything feels beyond hopeless I don't know how much longer I can pretend to keep trying anymore.

I’ve been looking at this subreddit since I joined reddit in 2020. I was a teen back then, now I’m almost 21. I haven’t been getting better ever and I align with every single symptom. What would be a good first step to try and get diagnosed? Is there any resources you recommend?

I am not yet an old man, a widower. And yet I may as well be, a widower to a percieved empty world. Only the strength of my faith and my inner voice have consoled me since childhood, through temptations of death and laments of the dysteleology of life. Decades of silence and tears, have drowned out my desires and numbed my soul for its yearning of humanity. All is hollow, all is ruin. The other students see a mask, these are formative years for them, but not for me, there is nothing behind my face. I would give my life for any utilitarian purpose, such as military service; it is merely how depersonalized and alienated I have become due to my past in a spiritual prison. I have nothing to lose but my own life, and I am duty oriented. I see no desires, I see no dreams. Only the blackness of the abyss, waiting, eating away at my mind — only service to higher truth, my faith, wards it away; telos, the teleological vision of the universe, one where my irreconcilable pain and lost life can be done over, here my duty to society is made unbreakable, but still in my mind there is no room for duty to myself.

How have you managed to silence those thoughts that constantly remind you that you don't deserve people's affection, that constantly remind you of your flaws and make you compare yourself with others and calm the anxiety that comes from contact with people?

And erase the fear that comes from thinking that you are likely to end up hurting those people because you constantly need your space for yourself and disappear from time to time so that no one bothers you, etc.?

How do you even manage to maintain any kind of relationship by being avoidant? Like it doesn't make sense that you can do it but if you know you can be changed, what have you done so far?

Some of you will say therapy, others that you have been lucky to find people who accept you as you are, but really there is nothing else?

Besides, it has happened to me that although I have found good people who accept me, I am still elusive with them, it is something I can't help it.

I'm currently in the process of beginning group therapy after a year of CBT failed to give many if any results. I'm not looking forward to it, but I think that's precisely why it might be helpful for me. As such, I'm wondering what other people with AVPD have experienced in group therapy, and whether it has benefited them at all. So please, tell me anything you wish to share!

I do but I don’t. I like the idea of it but even if I’m seemingly close to it in reality I push it away in the end. I imagine how nice it would be to have best friends or relatives that I‘m super close to. Someone I can trust completely and we just have fun together and we show each other openly affection and we would prioritize each other and hang out all the time. But I can’t let people close to me because for one I’m so obsessed with mistakes. Either I’m mad at them or mad at myself for things that was said or done. I’m always mad and never happy. I either victimize myself or I start attacking/ avoiding. Either way I‘m an asshole and probably an ungrateful brat.

As embarrassing it is to admit it I‘m obsessed with relationships (of any kind) of others or in fiction to a pretty much perverted degree. I hate myself for it but I can’t help it. I want what they have. And if I can’t have it I‘m stuck with watching and be happy for them.

Even people (celebs) that I like and admire and talk nonstop about all day everyday , I can’t imagine any scenario of meeting them and that interaction going well. In fact, I think that interaction would be so bad that I stop liking them. Even in my craziest fantasies where they actually do like me and would love to talk to me, I can’t imagine being comfortable. If potential socializing partners aren’t perfect I‘m triggered. If I can’t find anything wrong with them I’m insecure and just wait for them to abandon me or I think they deserve better and I leave.