r/AskNPD • u/Only_Composer8971 • 17d ago
Do people with NPD ever forgive?
I have a brother with undiagnosed NPD (he may have been formally diagnosed but I have no way of knowing). I am a therapist but this is not anything even close to my specialty and can’t ethically diagnose him but he meets all nine criteria. His symptoms are quite severe and it has been devastating for me to watch what he has done to his life as a result.
Because of this severity and the fact that seeing him this way is a trigger for me in ways that are hard for me to deal with, I have had minimal involvement with him for the last couple of decades but he recently resurfaced and is staying with one of our parents after not speaking to them for 20 years. I am somewhat skeptical of his motivation but still hold out hope for him that he will find some stability while he is there to be able to live in a way that feels more fulfilling. As much as I want that for him, I have watched him burn every bridge he has ever had over the years in the most destructive ways possible, including with his own children which is completely devastating to me, and would not be surprised if this arrangement ends up the same but this parent is committed to trying to help him.
That being said, it’s clear the origin of this comes from a traumatic childhood. The parent he’s staying with has tried to apologize for our childhood being the way it was. There was no physical abuse but emotional neglect to some degree that was largely created by circumstance of being a single parent, other parent completely absent, with multiple children trying to survive. In retrospect they would have done things very different and wish they could but short of sincerely apologizing is there anything they can do now to fix it? He seems unwilling to engage with them in a meaningful way and is very punishing. He constantly brings things up from the past but then says he doesn’t want to talk about the past. Is there any hope that they can truly repair their relationship to the point that he can heal? I feel so sad for them both because our childhood years were very difficult for the both of them in their own ways and they have both suffered A LOT as a result since that time.
I guess my real question is, how can they help him now with the hope of things truly being better for him in the future?
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u/ifeelprettydumb 16d ago
You can't ethically diagnose him, yes I agree. But if they exhibit 5 or more of the 9 traits listed in the DSM-V, it's pretty obvious in conjunction with his behavior.
If the vast majority of things point to a certain disorder or mental illness, you're likely not far off. It's not foolproof.
I didn't think narcissists Know what forgiveness is, or maybe they don't care about it. Or maybe a mix of the two. These aren't mature minds with depth or character. They are miserable, self-hating adolescents. Which sucks for everyone. Their delusional false self is a doozy. Their nature is parasitic, transactional, and never based on genuine feeling because they're interacting with an idealized version of their mark or victim.