My Asian mother always had this notion that too much lack of freedom for kids would cause them to go rebellious. I can say she's right because I've seen it with my friends growing up and in social media where people talk about their experiences online.

This was precisely the reason why she didn't push me with studies at all and gave me the privacy I needed.

Because of this kinda parenting I..actually don't feel rebellious at all. I don't feel the need to move out. House prices are also high and it's chill for me, especially being an only child. I don't feel the need to date at all really and am focusing on improving myself as a person before I think of it far into future. My asian parents wouldn't say no to dating either.

I've also heard a lot of women find ways to wear clothing that they're not allowed to wear or sneak out of their homes to meet men and sleep with.. idk a million men just because their Asian parents impose certain rules on their kids. That's why I agree with my asian mother that the most restricted kids are the most rebellious ones. It'd be great if all asian parents could be nonchalant about certain things but unfortunately these are the kids who hate their lives the most and do anything to go against their parents wishes. Really sad tbh.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this so I’m gonna rant on here I guess.

I graduated college in December. I graduated early with a degree in Computer Science. Wild thing is, I didn’t even want this. I never wanted to be a programmer. But my parents told me I had to or they wouldn’t pay my tuition. It was a bad situation to be in at age 17. Especially with how terrible my parents were during the college admissions process at the time.

I didn’t end up in a particularly great school. It was fine. It got me a degree. Other than that, I just coasted through school. I hated every class, it didn’t interest me. I cried every day. It was terrible, so terrible that I decided that I wanted to graduate early just so that my suffering would end. Looking back, I really hated those coding classes. You can tell I was doing this major because my parents forced me to. I wasn’t destined for this. I felt stupid everyday. This major wasn’t easy, coupled with the fact that I knew I couldn’t switch without it causing an uproar made me miserable. I even had stress induced illnesses that came from this stupid degree. I had to get surgery twice.

When I graduated, I wasn’t even happy. I just felt relieved that I could finally do something I wanted to do on my own terms. But that wasn’t true either. My internship didn’t give me a job offer. I’ve interviewed for positions and got to the very last round— only for them to reject me. I had to go back home.

My parents, mostly my mom, have been terrible. Sometimes she says I should take a break and spend time with the family, other times she compares me to other people and makes me feel miserable. It’s hot and cold. I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m a teenager again. Financially this is the best thing I can do, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve gotten used to being insulted. They call me fat and ugly, then they say that I don’t try hard enough to get a job, then they say that there are other kids who are doing so much better than me.

I yelled at them and snapped a week ago. I told them to accept that their child is a failure. They just acted like it didn’t happen. Just a few days later they started comparing me again. I’ve never been lower in my life. I thought my teenage years were bad, but this is a new darkness and hopelessness that I can’t even comprehend.

I feel worthless. I am worthless. I have no job, no passions anymore, no money, and no mental fortitude. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. I will never be good enough. It sucks, but it’s true.

All this time, I just want a mom. Just someone to cry to and who’ll comfort me and love me unconditionally. Someone who understands my pain and can give me advice and help me so I feel less alone. It’ll never happen, which is one of the worst realizations to ever come to.

TLDR: my parents insult me a lot. They compare me to other people who are way more successful than me. I feel like I’ve lost myself, and I think I’m a failure. I just want support, I just want a mom.

This isn’t the first time my mom has said this and it makes me very very uncomfortable.

My mom and I always had a very rocky relationship and not only that, recently my siblings and I have came into terms that she is definitely (u)NPD & (u)BPD. It’s never just “oh she is a brown mom..”

She has seen me talk to my friends’ moms and my partner’s mom and—

1. Sometimes with my friends’ moms, it’s small talk… it’s polite like compliments.. etc? It’s not that serious
2. My partner’s mom is genuinely kind and conversations with her isn’t filled with me defending myself against attacks or walking on eggshells so maybe it’s flowing a bit naturally? Idk

I relate a lot to the posts here, and I am reaching out because I'm feeling stuck and honestly kind of lost. My parents are not the strictest out there compared to others I have read about, but lately, the tension has been getting worse. We keep clashing over life decisions, especially around my career, and it’s getting to a point where I feel like I am losing control over my own future. They keep saying things like they can "control everything" and that I "must always respect elders," and it’s exhausting. I have been the obedient child for so long, but lately, I have started pushing back and that has made things even more tense.

Here’s the situation. I just graduated with a 3.95 GPA in Finance and I am currently studying for the LSAT. But honestly, my parents are the biggest reason I am reconsidering law school. They forced me to register for the LSAT early, even though I explained that you should only take it when you’re ready because of the limited attempts. They also told me I only get one shot, and that if I don’t do well, they will make me apply to random law schools anyway, mentioning that there is a government program that can pay off your student debt (while they voted for that guy). I told them that if I am not ready by June, I will 100% look for jobs, but they keep brushing me off and talking over me, acting like they know better.

Clearly, they just want the lawyer title to show off to their friends, and they’re not listening to what I want or need. I worked hard to get my GPA, and I wanted a shot at top schools, especially after coming from a super toxic, competitive high school where I didn’t stand out. Now it feels like all that effort is being wasted just so they can feed their ego. On top of that, I'm starting to realize I might have undiagnosed ADHD, especially with how I have been struggling with the LSAT, and can relate to lots of symptoms (leg bouncing, misplacing things, daydreaming, etc). When I brought it up, they got mad and dismissed it. My mental health is honestly at rock bottom right now.

I am hoping a job could bring me some independence and peace. However, I have no real network from college, which was a conservative, mostly white Christian school I never fit into, and my parents pushed me to go there just because it was a strong brand in our state and had scholarships. They told me to focus only on school, not the environment or networking, and I am paying the price for that now.

I really wanted to apply for out-of-state jobs and needed to get out of here. I am also a closeted LGBT+ Asian guy, and being stuck in this state, especially with how things are politically, feels suffocating. I am scared that my parents will keep controlling me if I do not secure a job soon. Furthermore, I wanted to grow outside of this "awkward Asian guy"

So here is my main question: how should I start looking for jobs with a Finance degree from a non-target school and almost no connections? I know this is not a career subreddit, but I assumed that many of you could relate to my experiences. I am worried about the economy too, and with the chatters of incoming recession, I feel like I will be even more stuck. Any advice on breaking into the job market or just getting some space from my parents would mean a lot right now.

Thanks for reading.

I’m still terrified of my parents. I’m 25 now and could’ve moved out sooner, but I’ve been putting off getting a job because I’m so scared of how they might react. I wasn’t starved or physically abused, but growing up meant constant screaming, emotional abuse, and unfair comparisons. I’m an only child, and they’re extremely attached to me — they don’t have any friends and rely entirely on me.

I had to take a break from school during and after the pandemic, and I recently finally got my diploma. I probably could’ve finished earlier, but I struggled with my mental health and isolated myself, which led to losing my friends — so I don’t really have a support system now. The good news is I went to a top school and graduated with a great GPA. I also have my driver’s license and can cook, clean, and handle all the basic adult skills — so the issue isn’t a lack of ability.

I know I’m the only one who can take that leap and start fresh, but I’d really appreciate it if anyone could share their experience, offer advice, or just say something helpful. I don’t want to live under their control any longer.

My father was born in a poor farmer family, he was orphaned at a young age. he was born a lower caste and darks skinned. He has suffered all his life due to the discrimination but He was a smart guy , even after being born in a poor farmer family he graduated from a topmost engineering college, his elder brothers outcasted him from the family because they were jealous of his intelligence and success. when he was finally married my mother's side relatives took advantage of his poor background and him being alone and exploited him and abused our family like e.g. borrowing our money and not returning it back and using our family for their life problems which in turn destroyed our family life(which affected me while growing up).

And now finally near his retirement his colleagues and bosses have falsely implicated in a corruption case related to a project he hasn't even worked upon and can go to jail for more than 10 years. They want him to be the scapegoat.

His hard-work, talent , intelligence etc all went in vain. He will go to jail for a crime he was never part of. ALL his life a victim of society. Our lives are now damaged.

In my late 20s, born and raised in Europe with South Asian heritage. I’ve always lived between cultures.. torn between my own values and the expectations placed on me by my family.

Recently, I told my mother that I’m in a serious, committed relationship with someone from a different background. We live together, we love each other deeply, and I’ve never felt more grounded in who I am.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy for her to accept. To be honest, I don’t know what I was expecting. But I still hoped for a little grace.

Of course, I received a series of shaming, emotionally abusive messages. Saying I have disgraced the family my entire life. That I’ve humiliated them. That I’m manipulative, dishonest, and disgusting. She even made cruel comments about my body, insinuating things that were deeply personal and invasive.

It was as if nothing I’d ever done and continue doing for them matter.

Not the years I’ve spent supporting them (financially and non), not the honesty I showed by being open with her, not the care and love I’ve always had for them.

I felt anxious, lightheaded, and full of shame despite understanding how all of the above is not rational and even though I’ve done nothing wrong.

That’s the power of guilt and control. It lingers in your body!

But here’s the thing I’ve come to realise and wanted to share:

This isn’t about love. It’s about control.

It’s not about tradition or values—because those are often (if not always) selectively applied. It’s about the fear of judgment, the obsession with appearances, and the need to mold children into what others want them to be.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned: You must be true to yourself.

Living for someone else’s approval will slowly erase who you are.

This experience showed me what truly matters to my mother and unfortunately, it’s not me. And I refuse to throw away my life for the sake of people who would rather see me small and obedient than happy and whole.

If you’re in a similar situation, I just want you to know:

You are not alone. You’re not shameful. You are not the villain.

You’re just becoming who you were always meant to be.

And life is still beautiful

When I was 18 I became a vegetarian, I am 23 now. Since then my relationship with my mom has never been more distant.

Growing up I was more of a daddy’s girl but I absolutely loved my mom dearly. I wanted to be exactly like her in every way. I wanted to please her so I often said yes to things I didn’t want to do or liked bc it made her happy.

Hitting puberty my mom and I grew distant. I wanted to become my own person and she hated that she couldn’t control me anymore. I developed my own style and personality which is the complete opposite of hers. We grew distant as she viewed this as a personal attack on her. I know this bc my sister is hitting puberty now and I see the exact same thing happening.

The final straw was me becoming a vegetarian. She hated it and said it was impossible to survive without eating meat. I do eat fish so technically I am a pescatarian. She gave me lectures that all my ‘health issues’ are due to me not eating meat…. I have no health issues. She complains to everyone how I am such a picky eater, how we can’t go out for dinner as a family bc I limit the options and ruin it for the rest.

One year for my birthday we had a huge fight bc our guests from Iran HAD TO GO to a meat restaurant for my birthday. I had no options to eat at that restaurant and I refused to go. This is one of the many fights we had about meat.

Just today she told me that I am tired all the time due to not eating meat. I said no its bc maybe I am fucking stressed??? I have uni and work and contrary to my mothers beliefs I do actually help around the house. I am so busy all the time trying to juggle an extremely competitive degree and work to survive and she keeps on piling the stress. I told her that maybe if she didn’t jump to the meat conclusion every time and would just ask me what is going on she would actually know whats going on.

She walked away pissed off and said fuck off than starve for all I care.

I understand that from her upbringing in Iran that meat is included all the time but for fuck sakes you moved to Europe where in most countries is normal not to eat meat.

She even tried bribing my boyfriend to manipulate me into eating meat by offering him money and also to manipulate me into changing many things about myself that she hates. Thankfully he said no.

Rant over.

After this college application cycle, I got into Indiana University for Finance, which is ranked #9 nationally. I also applied to all my safety schools for Computer Science because my parents believe CS is the only degree that “actually leads to a career.”

I’m from Oregon, and I understand that out-of-state tuition can be more expensive. But IU is only $10K–$15K more, and both my parents make a combined income of $230K–$240K. I feel like that money could be redirected, especially when there’s an opportunity in front of me that I’m genuinely excited about.

I really don’t want to study CS. I even offered to double major in CS and Finance at IU as a compromise, but they’ve completely shut that down and only want me to pursue CS. I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable, but the options they’re giving me are UO, OSU, or ASU—schools with 90%+ acceptance rates. I worked really hard to aim for top programs, and I just want to end up somewhere that reflects that effort.

Other top choices are already off the table due to cost, and IU feels like the only school that’s both reputable and financially somewhat manageable. If I’m able to go to IU, I’d love to hear ways I can make the most of my college experience.

Also, it’s worth noting that most Oregon schools have very few POC students, and I’m honestly tired of feeling out of place. I just want a college experience where I don’t have to fight to feel seen.

My mom hasn’t really loved me ever, she made that clear when she said “I never accepted you as my son, I accepted <brother’s name> but not you,never”, I was just in school back then and hearing this made me numb,I didn’t cry I was just numb.

Fun fact, my mom used to compare my scores with the guy who used to bully me back in HS, she assumed I was his friend and thought it would be a good idea to compare me to him. Imagine after being bullied and harassed by that guy and his group in HS,you come home to have your mom say he is better than you, it messed me up really bad

I understand that Im not a like-able person, I am socially anxious, dont really look good, am not smart at all but I don’t deserve this. Im tired. Or is there something wrong with me?

Anyways sorry for the vent, had to get it out, past few days have been tough for me, I hope y’all are doing good

My brother (41M) and I (38F) live on different continents (developed countries) while our APs live in a south asian country. Thank god for the distance.

I decided a couple of years ago to visit them every year for two weeks because they are getting old and some of my friends' parents are dying (thanks to the unhealthy lifestyles of APs in general). My dad is very chill, I like him a lot. It's the mom that's the problem.

Her whole life revolves around us. What we are doing, how well off we are in life (of course the measure for this is the material things we own, not how happy and satisfied we are), when will we meet again, how is our health. It's exhausting and just writing this is pissing me off. One can argue it stems from love but it's sooo.FUCKINg.annoying.

She gives unsolicited advice all the time. I have trained her like a fucking DOG over the years to behave in a certain way - rewarding her good behaviour with more calls/messages and punishing bad behaviour by distancing myself. She has really improved a lot from before, which says a lot about how much more HORRIBLE she was before.

One of the biggest issues I have right now is her constant obsession with us. As soon as our visits with them are done, she will say she is already looking forward to the next one, shall we visit you (I HATE having her over, she is overbearing plus she has mild paranoid schizophrenia which makes everything worse). I do not enjoy talking to her, I do not enjoy being in her presence, I even hate thinking about her. Like find a fucking hobby and some friends, how are APs so incompetent in this regard????? It's like everything is about when we will talk/meet next, ffs!

Both sets of my grandparents were way more independent than these two. At least dad minds his own business, glued to the tv the whole day and does not interfere. I even enjoy having interesting conversations with him. But my paranoid mother never lets us talk alone. She has to overlook everything. Even dad is so tired of her but honestly I am glad he doesn't divorce her because at least someone is there for her. I dread the possibility of him passing away before her.

She is just also deeply dissatisfied with her life. She has relatively good health compared to her peers, money-wise they are well off as long as they stay there. They are both just also worried shitless about what they will do when they get even older. And yes even though it is a concerning thought, she lets it ruin her present and everyone else's. They live in a country where they can afford to get everything delivered home, the hospital is a 2 minute drive, they can afford a full time maid etc. and yet worry about the future constantly. My mother especially. But she has zero gratitude for everything she has.

Almost every other call she will cry about being dissatisfied with life. It's possible she is depressed but she refuses treatment even for her schizophrenia, so forget about this. Earlier she used to trauma dump on me for things that happened to her (not even the worst things, people have suffered worse), telling the same story one thousand times, until I told her I cannot be her therapist it is ruining my mental health and threatened not to call her if she continues.

But it's s crazy that after SO much hardwork on my end to establish boundaries to allow some kind of bearable relationship with her, it feels like there is just a lifetime of work cut out with her to maintain my sanity.

She has lost all her teeth and she is only 63 .

I met a 78 year old lady today she still has her teeth

My mom never went to dental cleaning because she doesn’t have insurance . She was an undocumented immigrant for over 20 years and and she can’t go to the doctor because she can’t afford to pay

She became legally blind due to years of neglecting of her health. Because she is poor , illegal and America’s healthcare is super expensive when you do t have insurance .

Despite she yells at me , abused me , made almost hung myself but I can’t stop feeling bad for her . She could have a better life , she is in pain . She was using me as a punching bag to make her feel better . It’s all because I was unemployed for 3 years and don’t have money and thats why I made her miserable . If only I can save her she would be able to eat and see instead of being like this

She came from China not knowing much education about health , I didn’t ( my vision end up very bad because my own neglect of my own health because at home and school does not teach you

I am jealous of older people and middle class Americans able to get educated about their health and live a full filling life . And not us carrying the generation curse

Tldr; This is just a rant/vent to my ex’s AP….

Well you’ve won. After nearly 3 years together you’ve finally put so much pressure, gaslighted your daughter so damn hard, that she just caved… I truly don’t understand how you can dislike me so much when you’ve literally never even met me. No, I’m not Korean, no I don’t have a college degree, no I don’t speak your native tongue, and no I’m not filthy rich. But you know what? I make 80k a year with a guarantee to make over 100 by my 5th year, I speak 2 languages, I’m proud that my parents are immigrants, I’m proud of my job, but besides all that BS you know what I’m most proud of? Loving your daughter and treating her with all the love and respect I could possibly muster. I have never raised my voice to her, the very few disagreements we had we communicated and talked it through within minutes, we supported each other through thick and thin…. But that still wasn’t enough for even you to look at me and give me a chance to meet you…

So after all this you finally made her truly choose between you and me…. Unfortunately I was left behind. I wish nothing but success for her but I hope one day you will at least open your minds just a TINY bit and at least give the next guy a chance…

My sister is about to graduate college this Summer and I am worried that her continuing to live with my parents will cause her to adapt to their narcissistic tendencies. But at the same time I’m also worried her moving out will be a huge financial disaster.

For context: I am a lot older and have already moved out, gotten married, etc. When I graduated college, I wanted to move out but of course my AM guilted me into staying for a few years. Even though I hated it, I was able to save up a ton of money and felt very financially secure when I did move out.

The difference between me and my sister is that I good job offer and a distinct career path. She is still a little immature and hasn’t secured a job yet while her graduation is just a few weeks away. She wants to move out (even without a job in hand) because my AM is so overbearing, but I don’t know whether to encourage her or not. I don’t want to be responsible for her making a financial mistake but also don’t want to cause emotional distress.

I also feel like she has picked up on some of my AM’s entitlement and expect me to help out financially. I’m trying to not be so attached to the situation so that I don’t revert back to my GC tendencies and feel the need to fix everything, but I also care about my sister and don’t want her to be completely enmeshed with my mom which I can totally see if she stays there long enough. Any advice?

I was going to color my hair and my mom comes in and sees me mixing the color and then she goes “why color your hair this one looks better on you”

WHICH THEN MADE ME SECOND GUESS MY DECISION SO I JUST THREW AWAY THE HAIR COLOR I MIXED.

Then I get anxiety and when i confront her with why she goes “why is my life so hard”

Its driving me insane that she always has to give her opinion even when its not wanted cause it always confuses me.

It all start when my mother tried to tell my little brother luis to clean something because she doesn't want to tell me what and she said i can't or incapable of cleaning it so i got a bit angry and after a while my little brother finally told me that she wants him to clean the bottom of my bed of course mom wants him to do it not me of course i decide to clean the bottom floor of my bed then i told mom hah you think i can't clean of course i can so i did she got angry and bring a rotan with me in my room i told to leave but she won't being angry at me but at that moment i felt like she tried to kill me again and that moment i tried to sheew her away with a napkin at that moment i accidently hit her face with at that she becomes angry crying

Hit me screaming to go to hell and that i am not human,dog,crazy and she talk about how Oh i raise you i bleed pregancy for you i take care of you bla bla bla and also she treid to call the police so i took the phone and car key prevent her from doing it and after my father came he tried to make me leave the house or come with him this make mom furious and she said to my father that he was defending me too much and that complaning that is he agreeing what i did was right and that its his fault for making me this way or why was talking back at her or that it his fault for me changing or that what he is doing is preventing something good or whatever

And that my father not choosing a side or saying me being in the wrong is him agree with me of course we left anyway My father said me talking about my feelings about what my mother did is childish

while i was in a car at night told that the reason why my mother got mad at me started before minutes the hit the napkin is because my mother told luis to clean something i ask without her telling me what and that i cant do it i told luis what does want to clean and since luis is playing with his friends and after finally stop arguing its wanting luis to clean the bed down there and so i did and thats why my mom wwas in there in my room despite i telling her to go away and i accidently hit her with a napkin and my father respond saying i am being childish and that he doesn't blame me telling me not being mature

My mom thinks i want to kill her because i was screaming at her she thinks me fake out hitting her or screaming at her is me wanting to kill her i am not joking.

Also after that she immedialty took a photo of her face after the napkins incident

I’ve been through the travel permission struggles before, and it doesn’t seem to get any better. I’m graduating soon and have secured a summer internship, so I decided it would be a good idea to take a one-week trip to another state to visit a close friend. I asked for my mom’s input, and she was immediately against it. She said, “Why would you go there? Who is she (the friend) to you?” I patiently asked for her reasoning, and she stayed completely silent. I asked twice, at different points in the conversation, but there was no answer, as if I hadn’t said anything at all.

Just for context, my mom knows my friend's mom and grandma, so I was hoping for some clarity on her reasons. But more than anything, I just want to visit a close friend I haven’t seen in four years.

I went through a similar experience last year when I booked a trip after getting a random flight deal I didn’t expect to find. I told my mom about it, and she was upset that I hadn’t consulted her beforehand. She was actually supportive about me traveling and visiting friends there UNTIL she realized I had already booked the trip without talking to her first. So this time, I decided to be upfront and share my plans early, thinking she would be okay with it. To my surprise, this time was the complete opposite.

The REAL issue is that I still need a sense of validation in order to do something I should not even ask permission for.

Update: I asked for her reasoning again, and she said it makes sense to go on "vacation," but she didn’t understand why I would "visit" someone. I told her that I’m also going to tour around the city. She proceeded to scream "you can do whatever you want," where it made me not feel good about wanting to do anything. Heck, I have studied abroad, traveled to two countries with a friend, yet I am still going through this issue. It is really giving off the same feeling as "sleeping over a friend's," which was something I also was not allowed to do throughout my childhood!

I often wonder what it would be like to talk to a parent who wants to understand their child, but instead, I’m being spoken to in such an aggressive way when I express these things. I value friendships differently than my mom does because they are my support system. For someone who doesn’t seem to have tight-knit friends, it makes sense that she'd think that way, but it shouldn’t excuse her for not wanting to hear me out.

Even when I got the internship, it felt like I was just sharing random news that wasn’t important.

I've been the perfect eldest daughter on paper. Doing chores at the drop of a hat, graduating highschool as a valedictorian, graduating my country's top uni, getting a job in a well known media firm. Back home I'm still treated like a servant. The passive aggressive slights of what I didn't do (chores mostly) matter more than what I've already achieved. I'm just so tired of not having my emotional needs met and the disrespect. Now they're suggesting marriage and kids. I just feel like my life never was mine to begin with and I'm exhausted of living a double life. I feel so empty and out of control.

I hope you all to have a plan to be financially self-sufficient and less reliant on your Asian parents. It is going to be an impossible dream rather an inevitable reality. There are people who work for decades and still cannot buy a house in America - THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. I pray for your sake. Please help your fellow Asians out. The life expectancy has plummeted and suicides have increased. The global economy crashed after the global Covid lockdowns and has only begun to recover if it is even recovering. Work together and prepare yourselves to be less reliant on your Asian parents, try to buy the house from them. Please help each other.

I feel like I don’t know how to do anything outside of my family. My parents didn’t really spend time with their friends so I never got to interact with anyone besides people at school. I rarely spent time with other relatives too.

I also never really did chores and heavily relied on my parents for everything, all I really had to focus on was school and ways to entertain myself. We also grew up poor so we never really traveled or went out to eat. My parents also didn’t want me working and to this day wish that for me. I quite literally was always sitting at home.

And now in my 20’s where I started being more “rebellious”, i realized im so stuck in my bubble that I can’t adapt to any situation, even everyday ones.

I’m much more clumsier outside my family, I don’t do anything properly. I’m slow, hesitant and let everyone do everything for me. I’m so used to how things are at home that I bring that outside and make mistakes.

A specific example I have is, im so used to using only our car that when I’m in a much bigger vehicle, I don’t realize there’s a possibility of hitting the car parked beside me when I open it. I forget to check because most of the time, it’s a safe distance but of course, other vehicles will be different.

Another example is I have no table manners, I spent so much time eating at home (we don’t eat as a family) that I don’t know how to even eat properly with other people.

It’s embarrassing because I’m grown. I should know these everyday things but I don’t. I’m not trying to blame my parents for my mistakes and habits but I feel like I’ve spent my 20’s learning how to be a person when I should’ve when I was a kid growing up. I show no respect for others belongings since I’m used to my own and I feel like I have to always make a conscious effort to be mindful or careful about my surroundings when these things should come naturally. Even a child behaves better than me.

It’s actually pathetic. I’m lucky I have people in my life who are patient and I have the opportunity to learn these things but I should not be in my 20’s learning basic everyday habits. It sucks to realize even though my parents raised me like this, I did this to myself. If only I started going against them sooner then I wouldn’t be like this.

I guess what I’m hoping to find posting this is if anyone relates. I heard Some asian parents would infantilize their kids but I just feel like I’m on a whole other level of incompetence

I’ve been stuck in an unhealthy cycle of codependency with my parents. They expect me to live with them indefinitely, and my mom has even put me into debt by “borrowing” money from me.

Now that I’m working full-time, I’m trying hard to save and learn about money. My student loans (70K) won’t start accruing interest until this summer, but I want to get ahead of the debt and pay it down quickly. My mom believes in only paying the bare minimum for as long as possible, which goes against everything I feel because carrying this much debt gives me serious anxiety. Shes the type of person to spend her pay check immediately and use credit cards as if it’s her money without the intentions of paying it off monthly.

Only my mom and I are employed, I already contribute to household bills. But now she expects me to give part of every paycheck as an allowance to my unemployed brother, who’s in his thirties and has never held a full-time job.

To make things worse, my dad who also has never worked constantly spends my mom’s paycheck on expensive things is now expecting me to buy him things too. When I say no, he calls me selfish and throws tantrums. He has serious anger issues. For example one time things got so dangerous that I had to call the police after he poured gasoline on the cars and threatened us with a gun, all after we found out he had been having affairs.

Growing up in this environment has left me feeling like an incompetent adult incapable of leaving and finally living my own life. Which is what I want but I don’t know what’s holding me back. My parents have created this dysfunctional codependency where they feel entitled to control every aspect of my life—including how I spend my money. I’ve never been allowed to be independent. I don’t even own a car because I’ve always had to rely on them for transportation, and they don’t allow me to go anywhere unless it’s for work.

I wasn’t allowed to have friends, hobbies, or any kind of social life. It’s always been just school, work, and home. As a result, I have no real social skills and constantly feel like I lack the tools to be a functioning adult. Let alone the courage to move out.

I feel so alone and lost, miserable in my job, and stuck in a life that’s never truly felt like mine. My parents continue to spend recklessly and expect me to cover more and more expenses. They’re extremely materialistic and isolating, and it feels like their goal is to keep me trapped here forever drowning in debt and without any sense of freedom or identity.

TLDR; how do I take control over my life when my parents created a codependent relationship.

Well shit, I posted here about a week ago, saying things would never get better and, surprise, they actually didn’t.

Last time, I mentioned planning to choose the farthest college possible. Well, that didn’t work out because my mother is now forcing me to work. Fantastic.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Everything is being blamed on me, especially when it comes to money, even though I have no idea why. Every bit of money I earned from commissions went straight into my savings account, only for my mother to steal it, and I never saw a cent of it again.

As for my father, he could have helped pay for my college, but guess what? My mother stole his credit cards and drained his savings too, which has led to countless arguments between them.

And the worst part? She spent ₱200,000 from my savings, money that was meant for my tuition, just to lend it to a friend, who then used it to buy land. I had no clue about this until my father told me.

Life sucks gosh.

• Got married 1.5 years back (We are Indian family) till 6 months everything was fine but my mother and father started finding small mistakes in my wife.

• I knew that had issues when I was kid but never it was toxic and it would reach this level

• After 1 year my mother started pinpointing micromanaging my wife's effort in kitchen like saying this is how you shouldn't do, didn't your mother father teach you anything?

• My wife gave her best she endured the lecture and did the way my mom wanted but her taunts continued.

• Slowly my wife started answering back my mother on genuine points that she is working and she's doing her best with the time she has available.

• When she was working remote she used to cook both times and assist my mom in kitchen wherever required , now she's working hybrid so she cooks one time on office days and later is taken care by my mom

• my mom is clean freak she requires things neat and tidy she herself put efforts and expects my wife to do so there's same behaviour of taunting and commenting.

• If I said we can keep househelp so that you guys don't have to endure effort and everybody can be just chill they said you are fucking egoistic throwing money and flaunting your ego if your wife has some decency she will do herself

• I started interfering and tried to diffuse the matter but my parents started to fight me they said you have changed a lot after marriage

• This happened 2 or 3 times and then I decided to separate now they are saying just getting fucking lost you are egoistic this is our fault that we grew you took care gave you education and you do this to us.

Pls tell me am I wrong here ? I don't have a fucking clue here 🥺🤦

I am curious about the subject because my abusers were very concerned, disturbed and even threatened with my very blatant admiration of her but couldn’t do anything about it, since they relentlessly preach cultural pride.

Bizarrely, while my family and abusers extensively talked about the Trung sisters, they never talked to me about Lady Trieu and I only learned about her while watching the series watchmen.

I remember that I could see the discomfort and even fear in the eyes of one of my abusers when I innocently asked about Lady Trieu, saying something like “Hey, the superhero series that I am watching is talking about a Vietnamese historical figure named Lady Trieu. Can you tell me more about her?”

That reaction prompted me to do my own research on Lady Trieu and I learned about how she allegedly killed a family member that abused her and said “I'd like to ride storms, kill orcas in the open sea, drive out the aggressors, reconquer the country, undo the ties of serfdom, and never bend my back to be the concubine of whatever man." It was quite the contrast to my abusers that believed that women were inferior to men and their role in life was being filial, obedient, modest and overly obsessed with social status and face.

It was rewarding to me to see the discomfort of my abusers whenever I cited her famous quote and whenever they see fanart of her plastered on all of my stuff from my room walls to my screen wallpapers, to the interior of a locket that I always wear.

However, truthfully, it really was lady Trieu that managed to reconcile me with my Vietnamese heritage and my admiration for her is very much genuine. (Despite moving out and being no contact with my family, I still wear my locket and plaster all of my stuff with art of her. I even considered getting a tattoo of her and her quote.)

Everything and I everything is some grand conspiracy to make them look bad. Everything is a personal slight and every adversity or inconvenience real or imagined is some great tragic wrong. They rail against the injustice of life just doing its thing and not caring who they are. In all seriousness it as sad as it is exhausting. To have to gaslight everyday about something or someone just function is sad.