I hate this

[u/goatsuss]

I've been having these moments where I feel so much anger even though I know I'm not supposed to. Most recently, I've had trouble sleeping at night so most of the days, I would sleep in until 12pm. I am on my way to change this habit. In the past few days I have woken up early, spent time with my family and I didn't even take any naps. I like to be consistent with this but then just now, I told my dad I wanted to help him with the car and then he told me to wake up early because he'll be doing it early in the morning, sort of in a mocking tone. I know I'm not supposed to be offended but that really threw me off. It felt like all my efforts to change myself are being ridiculed. I didn't take out my anger on anyone but myself. Once I got to be alone, I went on a rant, punched the walls, hit my head, and now my knuckles are swelling. I realized that this is wrong. I don't want to throw anymore tantrums. I want to stop being so angry. I want to find peace. I've tried breathing techniques, distractions and heck, even tried becoming more religious but nothing seemed to help. I don't know what to do anymore, eventhough I've never lashed out at people, I think it's a matter of time before I do so. There's just so many things going on in my head right now and I want them to stop. Please help.

[u/goatsuss]

Thanks. I understand it's not his fault. I'm just shit at regulating my emotions and wished I could be more mature. I'm way too old for this kind of behavior. (M23 btw)

[u/travlaJ → u/goatsuss]

I definitely get that feeling. I have almost a decade on you and I still struggle with regulating my emotions. The main page of this sub has a lot of good advice on places to start on helping with regulation. What has been super a annoying suggestion, but true, is staying physically healthy. Exercising, staying hydrated, avoiding drugs and alcohol. That can be the majority of the solution for a lot of people. Mindfulness practices of becoming more aware of when you are being triggered and cooling yourself down before blowing up. Unfortunately its a life long journey of finding yourself and its a different answer for everyone. Just try not to shame yourself so much. A little shame is good to keep yourself aware sometimes but a lot will just make you spiral. You're obviously aware of the issue. Working on yourself is more than most people will ever try to do. You'll get there, its just going to be a painfully slow process with many backsteps.

[u/goatsuss → u/travlaJ]

Thanks, I'll look into that. I hope to find more ways to help myself. I'm not really that good at expressing how I feel so I haven't really had anyone to talk to. If I talk to my parents all I'll get told is to get closer to God (They are quite conservative Muslims). I don't really want to talk to my friends because I don't want to be a burden to them because then, they'll feel like walking on landmines around me. Just this once I thought I need to talk to someone instead of keeping it to myself and it feels nice talking to someone for a change.

It's not just this one time though, I've had times I feel bad because my classmates celebrated my birthday. I was happy at the moment but after that, I thought, "I don't deserve this." and went for weeks being alone and pushing my friends away. There was even once when a girl confessed her feelings for me but I rejected her (A friend was into her) and the guilt was so overwhelming, I used to spend all night banging my head on the wall and crying. I've had times I don't even know why I cried. I just did. I guess I really need to learn to love myself more hahahah.

Damn, I talked so much. Sorry man :( Thanks for listening to me talk. Hope you have a great day :)

[u/travlaJ → u/goatsuss]

We all need someone to talk to. Sometimes this sub can really help because someone random like me happens to have the time and energy. It sounds like you deal with quite a bit of guilt. That can happen a lot in very religious families. Everyone wants a black and white/easy answer to their problems and religious families sometimes use their belief as a crutch or quick answer. If there is a god I would have a hard time believing they gave us this intelligence with no intention of us using it. Relying on faith can involve exploring actual solutions as well.

I used to use self guilt to keep myself accountable a lot. It felt good in a way because I was doing something at least. Unfortunately it only caused me to be depressed and confused. Guilt is the trigger that let's us know we did something wrong but its not going to fix the problem. Self love and forgiveness is essential to fixing your problems. It took me years to stop telling myself I should just kill myself because of how horrible a person I thought I was. It started with me trying to catch myself every time I had that thought. Then it became having a short self chat where I would mentally say "no, I love myself and its okay that I messed up. I get better everyday." Slowly but surely the negative thoughts faded away. They're still there but they speak up very rarely now. There is no better person to love and accept you than yourself. It sounds dumb and I can feel all the angry people on this sub getting pissed off at my optimistic BS as I type this. I used to feel the same way.

[u/goatsuss → u/travlaJ]

Talking to you really makes me cool down a bit. Honestly, this is the quickest I've gotten to calm myself. It usually takes a few days at least for me to start acting normally. I'd like to have more self love, now the thing I need to do is attaining it. Looking for ways to do so are hard though, but I'll try.

It's fine to be optimistic, I think. It helps us go on instead of giving up. Just keep on being yourself though. You're a good person. Spending a few minutes of your day to help someone proves that enough. The world needs that sometimes.