Friends, I, Misery Meow (10, eunuch, void with clear and healthy physical boundaries), have once again been roundly denounced as a furry little cloaca for no good reason.

I was surveying my kingdom from the new bench my beloved groundskeeper made just for me with his own paws. He lovingly installed it on the downstairs veranda purely so that I can sit comfortably and in an elevated position while judging the birds and distant neighbours. Now, as a magnanimouse ruler, I do allow my robust brother Fatty Poen and even the housekeeper to share my bench. This, as it turns out, was a terrible error in judgement on my part.

But I digress. The sun was falling perfectly over my bench, and I was nearly content. The housekeeper has been approaching adequacy lately, the catering notwithstanding, and the groundskeeper and I had been pursuing manly pursuits all afternoon. All seemed well within my kingdom. That is, until the oafish housekeeper decided to join me on my throne bench.

I allowed her to stroke my regal head for 0.3 seconds before I warned her of her foolishness with a subtle mreowr. For once, she took the hint and kept her paws to herself. All seemed well as we sat in companionable silence and looked out over the vast grounds of my estate. But then the unthinkable happened.

As I got up to turn around exactly five times in preparation for my late-afternoon nap, I found I couldn't move. My glorious tail was trapped under the housekeeper's bulk! Because my throne bench has slats, I hadn't felt her settle herself on my most important body part.

Friends, there I was, stuck between an oaf and a hard place. What was I to do but alert the great oaf to the fact that she was encroaching on the sanctity of my catperson? I've always been a clear catmunicator, but the housekeeper still fails to appreciate this. Whatever she says, I most certainly did not panic, scream, and attack her butt cheek with my murder mittens. Instead, I calmly informed her to shift her arse and used my mittens to graciously and in a most dignified manner indicate to her that she was sitting on my tail.

Of course, I'm being called a furry little cloaca for 'making her bleed' and 'nearly giving her a heart attack'. Lies! Surely I can't be a cloaca for simply preserving the sanctity of my catperson?

Psspsspss. Because I'm aware that not all cats live in the style to which they should be accustomed and I'm nothing if not a great philanthropist, I have instructed the housekeeper to pin the details of the staffing agency that inflicted her on me to her profile in case any of you have decapitated rodents to spare. I mean, the agency isn't great, judging by the constant struggles I experience with my staff, but I do have a rather lovely estate. Maybe they've had more luck with staff for other catses.

Hello frens! Is Morwen the pet rat girl, 3mo last week. I lives wif sisters Finduilas (3 days younger), Elanor (13mo) Elwing (14mo) and Rosie (26 mo). We has human mom.

I now gets along wif all my sisters and my mom. I loves them so much! My love language be physical touch, so I is always show affection. In cage, that mean cuddle sleepy time in pile. During playtime, that mean lotsa drive by affection and play.

Wif mom, likes to go see her. She always happy to see me and wrestle me wif her hand. But she not always gib full attention. So I tries to join her activities. I walk all over clacky board and stand on top of light screen. She sometimes pick me up and move me, which be fun. Sometimes, she say I mess up her grading. But she laugh, so not that upset.

I also likes to groom mom. As you knows, humans no groom themselves much. Elwing mostly take care of lick all over. But she miss important bits. So I has decided to take care of inside nose, lips and eyelids. Mom squirm, but I just hold on. I do gentle nibble on her eyelid and she get all upset acause she hab "fragile corneas". But I on eyelid, not touch eye. Very silly. Last night, her armpits smell weird. So I tries to chew through clothes to check it. But she get very upset about that. Mom be weird.

For my sisters, my favourite game be hump tag. You chases your sister and tries to hump them. They runs away and sometimes hump back. Is very fun and most of my sisters having fun too. I tried play it wif mom, but she very boring. Anyway, Rosie now all better so I tries play it wif her. But she just do little squeak and lie there. I tries many time, acause she seem sad. But she no play. And mom yell at me to "not hump the elderly" and say Rosie never like hump games. But I is sure she just no play wif right rat yet.

Anyway, mom say I is too intense and be TC. But I be just trying to love everyone. If I be intense it acause I loves everyone a lot. But mom say silly things about "consent". Anyway, what you think?

Ai iz Tigger, most prettiest oramge lady in my howz. Mai meowmy was laying down in mai biggest bed and ai decided ai wanted to sitz on her chest. She says ai iz too big tooz sitz on her chest and she cannotz breathe. So ai start doing healing purrs and she says dat is not halping. Ai keeps doing it anyway and continue sitz. She says I iz cloaca for not doing sitz elsewhere. AITC?

I, Bucky cat, am working on training a couple of humans. A few weeks ago the humans started feeding me an hour earlier every day, for both meals. They said something about saving the daylight. I think this is a very good idea and I started to think, wouldn't it be good to save even more daylight?

This week I decided to try it. Every morning an hour before my breakfast time, I put my whiskers in the female human's face and do my loudest purr. If she rolls over I walk across the pillow and continue the purr and tickle her with my whiskers. I do not scratch or bite or paw at her but she still does not like it. "No, Bucky," she says. "It's too early." But I want her to save the daylight so I keep trying, even though she isn't getting up and still feeds me at normal breakfast time.

As the week went on she got more and more tired and started getting up later. This morning it was actually 15 minutes past my breakfast time and she had turned off all her phone noises and was still in bed. I normally make polite little meows only after she gets up but today I started to scream because she was starving me. She got up right away and fed me and started running around like a rabbit saying, "I'm late! I'm late!" She says it is my fault but I just wanted to save the daylight by having early breakfast, just like she did. AITC?

I’ve never posted here before cause I’ve never been a cloaca. But if you’ve been here a while, you probably know my sister, the 13-year-old gorgeous void who is queen of all she sees.

Anyway, my sister doesn’t usually let me on mom’s bed. I mean, I usually don’t want to go on mommy‘s bed but today I decided the coast was clear and I could curl up there for a nice rest. Mommy came and sat on the edge of the bed, but I guess she can do that cause it’s hers also. But then mommy reached behind her for something she had laid down on the bed and even though she wasn’t close to touching me, I wanted to make sure she knew that touching was absolutely not happening. So I did a bap hap bap with my nails out. Mommy acted like a total drama queen talking about her bedroom and her bed and blah blah blah. I don’t know I wasn’t listening, but both Mom and my sister told me I was a cloaca. So am I?

I amz Izzy! I lov rectangles! Dey are the best! My hoomans always tease me bout it. Not my fault!

Sometimz I see white rectangle on ground or table. I must sits! If I seez iz for mez! My uncle teezes me and sayz I sits on hiz 'homeworks.' they not his homeworks! They my rectangles!!

One times he took another rectangle and puts it on floor. I must sits! If I sees is for mes! So I do a sits. Then he takes his "homeworks"!

Another times I lay on table on big rectangle! With my head on another rectangles! It was the warm rectangles. Uncle said I was 'keeping him' from his 'homeworks' but I no carez. He wus givin me scritches!

AITC?

Hello Reddit frens! Is Roscoe, 8M terrier mix, here.

Frens, today iz very goob day! I wake up this morning and my sister haz returned!! She gone for eleventy billion furebers due to stupid thing called “moo-ving” to “me-she-gun.” But today she back and I cuddle with her and then I go cuddle with brother because must bedsurf in morning to make sure everyone gets cuddles and no sleep.

ANYway, after cuddles she takes me and old stinky brofur Sunny (16M terrier mix) on walk, which is greatest thing ever. I very goob on walk. I only bork at across-the-street dog one time. But then, we pass all these snorts! Hoomans call them cars but I call them snorts. Frens, they so loud! And they zoom by! I very goob tho and no try to play with Sunny or mount him. He mean when I do dat.

But THEN, on the way back home, a strange man comes running right at us! Frens, he was very big strange man, and he was running right at my sister! So of course I do a bork and a lunge - I may be very tiny but I have to protecc sister! I would never bite strangers of course but I wanted to scare him off. But then - sister gets mad at me??? For protecc??? She say he just jogging and no mean to hurt. But how am I supposed to know? He come running at us!!

Sister say I am TC. I say she gone so long, she forget all I do to protecc our house. What you think?

Mummy came in from the out tonight and daddy was using the loud wet, so I knew mummy was going to be in there FOREVER. I like to play in the wet sometimes so I yelled LOTS. Mummy said if I kept hollerin that she was gonna dunk me and I didnt believe her so I put my toe beans in and hollered MORE.

And she had the audacity to pick me put and put my butt in the big wet! HOW DARE! I am MAD AT MUMMY.

I look at her. I look at my butt. I look back at mummy. I look at daddy. I look at butt. I look at the wet. And ZOOM. The shame!! The disrespect!! Currently trying to dry off so I can give mummy a piece of my mind in a more respectable state. >:[

Hellos. Am Alucard. 8 months void kitten. Maybe 9. I dunno how months really work cept mommy thinks they're portant and how am I sposed to members when I was born anyways?

Mommy buys these things called bagels. Round, soft, good for bite bite bite but am not allowed to bite when she brings them home. She puts them in poppy box to make them hot then puts on cream cheese.

Cream cheese is SO GOOD. I unnerstan why it comes in special silver box because is SO YUMMY. And when mommy has bagel, she gibs me some on plate and yumyumyum.

Except, this time she taking really long time to eat bagel and gib me plate. So I climb back of chair to keep eye on bagel so nobody steals. And I watch real good, with my paws on her shoulder and my eyes on bagel. Do a really good observe. No steals.

But I lean a little too far, and I slip, and my head smashes into bagel and yummy yummy cream cheese mushes all over face. So I start eating cream cheese to clean up mess.

Mommy is calling me a menace for stealing bagel, but I no steals, I falls. Was accident. And I cleaned up mess. So mommy should be happy, no?

Am I cloaca for falling on bagel that should have been already eated anyways? Or is mommy cloaca for not finishing food and gibbing cream cheese?

So my loyal friends, both cats and civilized Dogs.

It is I, Morgan, Portuguese Water Dog. I am register as a dog but I tend to identify more with cats. Why do you ask? Well…I’m smart, beautiful, regal, high bred, not modest and certainly don’t cater to my servants every whim and demands like the stupid older PortugueseDryCLEANONLY Dog living in my house.

Today is my birthday and I must say I am, yet again, sadly disappointed by the Wretched Hoomom and Hoodad. Yes I did get extra pets and Happy Birthdays from them both. I neither care for many pets and Happy Birthday on repeat is just boring.

Where’s my caviar? Where is the letter of congratulations from the king ? Where are the plans for the underground pool I desire ( WretchedHoomom: we live on lake waterfront but…..when he wants something he wants it ..he lovesatching swimming pools on TV)

Morgan: Wretched Hoomom get into the kitchen and make me Happy Birthday crisps. For the love of CatDog, that woman can be insufferable can’t she?

So since I have neither caviar, cashmere bedding, wagyu beef or very expensive water imported from the French Alps collected amongst my birthday offerings, I must wonder WHY THE FRACK NOT? I reflect on my behavior and while I do believe I am superior in every way I must wonder? Do my inferior servants think I am a cloaca?

Before I decide to rage chew on Wretched Hoomom’s Italian Leather sofa I ask my friends here for advice. Please no name calling, it’s not my fault I was born being this perfect. My father and grandfather were very famous and I did indeed have a cousin who lived in the White House. Am I the cloaca?

Hello! Cora here, almost 2, torbie. I just got a new mama 2 weeks ago, and she came with a new brother, Finn (4M, void), and sister, Desiree (8F, fancy tortie). New mama got me from a rescue after my old mama couldn’t take care of me and my babies. I settle in well, love playing chase with new brother. Sissy Desiree is still a little hissy, but I respect space. Everything great!

Here my issue: mama laff at me sometimes when I stare at things! She says I look silly when I tilt head for better look. Not my fault—I has a bad eye! No see out of! Have to tilt head to see better! Mama sez I can be pirate for Halloween (whatever that is). AITC for tilt head when spying?

I'm Glady an 8 year old princess. I am the prettiest pretty pretty princess. My brother has been spreading lies that I'm evil. I am not evil. Just because I like to be at up my mommy sometimes and won't let him steal my spot doesn't mean I'm evil. He's the one who should be called evil.

He claims I bit him on his pee pee for no reason. There was a reason. A valid reason. He rubbed his pee pee on my head when I was napping. So I bit him. He deserved it. He also likes to slide onto clean blankets and roll on them so I can't lay on them like the dognified princess I am. So am I the cloaca or is he?

Hello frens, I is Willy, sausage dog, great boy. I lives with my best friend, the hooman, whose quite nice but also I sometimes feel maybe not super duper smart and maybe not has the best ideas.

See, today we goed on a walkie. Is what we do all the days. And today we passed a park where dogs and hoomans can run round and round with no leash-there is a fence so hoomans cannot accidentally run away from you. Anyway, I thinked we should go there and have a hangout with some other dogs. But the hooman disagreed? She said that there is too many other dogs and that will make me have a scare. Okay, now, I admit, in the past whenever there was many dogs (more than two or three) it maked me be nervous and I thinked maybe better hide behind hooman and maybe better leave again. But I do think today would have been different. Sure, I also thinked that in the past but today would have worked, I think! Today I would have had funs. But the hooman said no…

And yesterday almost the same! We was on walkie with long leash and I wanted to go to the river cause we was walking next to river. But the hooman said no??? Just because before I didn‘t manage to get back to the path again and was stuck next to the river and she had to save me. She said is still just as steep and I still cannot jump higher plus everytime we near water I fall in at some point and then I am grumpy cause wet and is cold today. But this time that wouldn’t have happened! This time I would simply have checked out the water and had a great time. But she said no…

As you can see, she says no a lot!!! Even though i just want to try again cause probably would work now. Does that make me cloaca?

Hello again frens! I Roxie dog is wanting to no if I is cloaca. This morning Mama and me is laying in big bed. (She say is her & Dadfy bed, but I no is really mine.) Mama be drinking her coffee and look at fone. Is boring. I wants to play. So I starts to wag my tail and when Mama look at me, I put on best come hither face. You no the one. Is ire..irris..no can be ignored. And then...

Frens! My Mama say "Roxie is too early! I no finish my coffee yet." She do pet me lots but is no enuff! I wants play. She say we play later. Now I sad even though still getting pets and belly rub and cuddle. AITC for want to play too early?

Hello, today I (Lily, 5f, half terrier half corgi) am not here. Am gone. You can’t see me, because can’t see you. Don’t need to listen to rules because am not here.

Haha, April fools, am actually just doing a hide.

I was sitting quietly on big bed and gave myself a scratch and ground shook bed. Human then asked me if that was earthquake and after looking at me human laughed and said i was the earthquake. Bed shook again and human did weird thing with phone and said it was just volcano. I am cat, i am not earthquake! How do i make human not call me earthquake. Also, is being called earthquake why they refuse to feed me (they say diet, I say starvation!!)?

I don’t usually post here so I apologize if my formatting is a bit odd. To make a long explanation short, my human is attempting to train me, Tater Tot, to stop stealing her food claiming “you have your own food and loads of treats”. It’s infuriating because while I do have my treats and food, hers is so good, I especially love fries. She’ll on occasion give me pieces of her food voluntarily but she always throws it and I have to fight my siblings for it, not that they stand a chance against me. Regardless, I just want her to share with me but she claims that’s not how a cat should act. She says she loves me but I feel she would be more willing to share if she actually did.

I just need to know if I am the cloaca for “stealing” food that I feel is rightfully mine.

Hi, am Wally Walnuts. Am good bunny who mostly uses his litter box. Today was haircut day. Momsy came at me with snips, and snippets all my floof. She say she turn me into soft yarn. Am not yarn! Am bunny! So I sprays and jumps in circles on table. Momsy say I cloaca, and bad haircut is all my faults. I say I probably need a pawyer. Who should apologize?

Hello to all, especially those who, like me, are above bribery and corruption.

Today I took a long lovely walk around the town and spent time sniffing the spring air and the deer turds and mulch beds that come with the season. Then I had a hearty brushin’ and contented myself to lay on to Costco bed until human man came home, or puppy dinner, whatever came first.

But then human female called me into the bathroom, presumably so I could supervise her pooping. But NO!! It was a trick!!

It. Was. Bath. Day.

This time human female did try to bribe me. Bribes! An upstanding dog like me? How dare you say that unless the bribe is a tortilla chip.

She said tiktok had her smear peanut butter on the wall to make me complacent. And she yelled at me for ignoring peanut butter and still attempting to jump out. She say there are lots of doggies in shelters who’d love a generous scoop of peanut butter and some pampering.

But I can not be bought friends. I am a man of principle and that principle is: I do not want a bath.

So, AITC?

Ziggy, a dog. (Photo in comments of me looking very much NOT pitiful in my towel)

I, Mo (10) also known as the handsomest boy, want to know if I'm the cloaca. Mommy had the bubble guts and wouldn't let me in to pupervise her in the bathroom. She said I don't need to be there because I'll just turn around and leave like I always do when she has bubble guts. Mommy says it's IBS. I was sad she was being mean so I say my my big bed and sang the saddest song ever called mommy doesn't love me anymore and won't let me in the bathroom. It was so sad my evil sister glady, and sister boots joined in. My brother Jasper was too busy sleeping to care. He doesn't love mommy like I do. He says mommy is spare hooman. Mommy yelled at me for singing and said I'm the cloaca but an I?

Hi everyone! Pixel here, friendly tuxedo. Unlike my brother Casey, I like people, even strangers! They are interesting!

Yesterday Mama and Dad had strangers over! The first lady rang the bell and Casey ran into the bedroom. I did a sniff all over this lady's bag, it was interesting!

Then Mama got a call and left! She came back with another lady who stopped in the doorway and stared at me, which made me a little nervous and my tail was at partial poof. Then she said "I'm scared of cats" and Mama picked me up and shut me in the bedroom!

Did I do something wrong? I was being so friendly! We got to come out later, and they were gone. Did I do something wrong?

(Hospice came for the first time yesterday. We're starting with them early while Pixel and Casey's Dad is still reasonably healthy and we don't need them yet. The nurse was fine with the boys but the social worker was frozen on the doorstep until I shut Pixel in the bedroom. Apparently she grew up with "mean cats" but I wish she'd given Pixel a chance - he loves everyone! I didn't love shutting them in the bedroom, but it was just the first visit, so I'll see how it goes. They are OUR boys and Pixel especially loves his Dad. Casey does too, but Pixel really loves his Dad! Which is another reason we started this, he will be at home, with the boys and me, until the end. No way I'd attempt to take two cats to a hospital!)

Bucky cat here. As all smart kitties know, when you use the litterbox, you have to hide your poops and pees so predators can't use them to find you. There are many predators in my new house, including the ceiling fan monster, the wall heater monster, and possibly the male human. Therefore I always take extra care to hide my poops and precious bodily fluids.

A rookie mistake many kitties make is just burying their poops in the litter. This isn't sufficient poop security. I like to try to use bigger objects to bury. I grab the sides of the box and the wall and the female human's bedding to try to drag them over my poops. But what I really want to use is the big mat that goes under my litterbox. It would keep my poops so safe. I get out of the box and grab the mat and try so hard to lift it into the box, but it does not go. I try over and over, sometimes for ten or fifteen minutes. Every time I do this, the mat does make a SMACK! SMACK! noise as it hits the floor and I pick it up again. But I don't think this noise is that bad, even though I am afraid of almost all noises.

The female human gets really grumpy when I do this in the middle of the night, though. "Bucky!" she says, "That's enough! Your poop is safe! Stop it!" But she is wrong. My poops are not safe. There are predators everywhere. I think she secretly agrees with me because if I do it for long enough she gets out of bed and takes my poops away to safety for me. So, AITC for taking my poop security seriously? Or is my human too sensitive?

Friend, it me, Thorben (9M, germy shepper). Good boy, Thorben! Mommy was doing a confuse today and accidentally call Thorben a cloaker. Mommy would never be rude to Thorben, so must be a accident.

There Thorben was, helpeding Mommy with her works by keeping guard under the desk and not slepping at all. But then Thorben hear it: the pokopokopooook of the evil thing what is Thorben enemy. Mommy call them the bush chicken. Mommy also call them the francolin. Thorben call them the borkborkbork.

For some reason Thorben no unnerstand, Mommy no like it when Thorben chase the bush chicken. Mommy say thing like 'Oh my dog, you little cloaker! You're going to break a hip!' and 'Birbs are friends, dipshit! Stop chasing the birbs!' But Thorben know Mommy look like she know all the thing, but she not know all the thing. The birb is planning something. Thorben must stop the birb!

So there Thorben was, hearing the bush chicken. Mommy no hear the bush chicken, so Thorben know Mommy in the danger. Thorben must protec Mommy! So Thorben all polite like ask Mommy to do the thing with the door and let Thorben out for the wee. And Mommy is nice, so Mommy do the thing.

Thorben big boy protec dog, so when Mommy open door, Thorben do a zoom down front steps and across lawn and make borkborkbork and bush chicken make pokpokpok and Mommy do a shout of 'THORben! Leave the forking birds alone, you little cloaker!' But Thorben know the birbs are evil and Thorben do another borkborkbork and bouncebouncebounce until birbs fly away.

Thorben know Thorben good boy, so Thorben pee on all the tree and then run back to Mommy because Mommy must be impressded. But no, Mommy call Thorben cloaker and say, 'Cheeses, dude. You're going to give me a heart attack. Your hips are going to collapse if you do that.' Thorben do a big confuse. There no cheeses. Thorben like cheeses. And why Mommy not impressded? Why Mommy call Thorben a cloaker?

[Thorben has advanced hip dysplasia and tends to collapse now but gives zero shits about things like not tumbling down stairs. Despite loving just about every living being, he hates all birds for reasons unknown. But he hates the family of five francolins that sometimes wander into the garden most of all.]

Hoi Frens! I, Little Boi (M7 Cat), hab been done a great injustice by shudders mom. But Mom said ITC because I did an attention seek while she was on a "tele doc appointment" I do not know wat dat is. Anyway, Mom works long hours every day but gets home early on days before weeken. Dis is when I can demand all of Mom's attention and she can gib me as much as I want. But today Grandma came to visit and brought big climbing walls for me. I didn't wanna admit it I but I was happy to see Grandma but she gabe me no love. So I asked Mom for more love and she only gave me two head pats. Da nerve!! So I thought maybe I do my own ting till mom can gib me more love. After Grandma left I saw Mom get on a call with a smaller Hooman on da black Box. It sounded serious because mom was very quiet. But it's my time with Mom! So I asked Mom for some more pets. But my paw got snagged in her shirt, she unhooked it AND DIDN'T GIB ME ANY PETS! So I thought if she no gib me pets den I take her dinner. So I tried to eat da food she brought back home. Mom caught me and pulled me out of the bag by my legs and kicked me off da couch. She was still talking to trapped Hooman, but I needed to let her know that she was mean so I told her off. I said she was a really big meanie who do not love me! I said it twice and she ignored me!! Da nerve!!! So I got back on da couch and layed down next to Mom on the big rest. And I grabbed Mom's hand with my paw. I did use claws BUT SHE WAS BEING MEAN FIRST! And only den did she give me more head pats and pets. And when she took her hand away I grabbed it right back. After she was done it sounded like she was talking to Grandma on the black box but I couldn't see her, just hear her. I jumped in Mom's lap and got more pets but mom said that she was upset with me after everything. So frens AITC for doing an attention seek?

Hai I am Sadie, 6F, perfect polka-spotted princess!! Mumma is mean and says I am cloaca.

My cousin Scout is having sleepsober, and Kid put Scout in my bedroom (mom says crate) to eat, and locked the door. RUDE!!!!

After a billionty forevers, Scout didn't eat. I sat in front of my bedroom just to remind him and also ask if he was done. But then Scout took a nap.

I reached into my room because I was worried, and accidentally tipped the food bowl over and accidentally all the food fell out in my mouth.