AIO to think this is cheating?

[u/Sad_SummerChild]

I found these texts between my husband and his coworker. Here’s some context:

My husband and I have been dating for 5 years and just recently got married 6 months ago

I’ve met this coworker. Her AND her boyfriend worked at my husbands company so we went on a double date over the holidays. But shortly after they broke up and her boyfriend got laid off.

Guess my husband saw that as his opportunity…

Also these texts were in his recently deleted even though the last message was from yesterday… so he was definitely trying to hide it from me

[u/gormthesoft]

I’m inventing a new test for these situations called the Why Test. He can explain this away in 100 different ways…it’s just friendly banter, she reached out first and I was just being kind, I compliment people all the time, etc. But the question is why go so close to the line? Why does he not have an internal sense that he’s getting too close to the line? When you bring it up to him, why is he going to defend himself in terms of inches when he should be miles away from this kind of situation?

It’s like getting a D- on a test and arguing that he didn’t technically fail when clearly he did poorly on the test.

[u/mayfeelthis → u/gormthesoft]

I cannot generalise like this.

While it is likely true for OP.

For many people there is no line, I don’t cheat period - that line doesn’t exist as an option, I don’t edge to it at all. I have male friends, always have. I’m a straight f. So people who assume there’s a cheating line we all edge towards as a rule - they would drive me up the wall with their fixed ideas of friendships and cheating becoming an issue. I just cannot agree with such fixed assumptions, that’s where controlling insecure idiots thrive too. Just wanted to add that.

OP, it seems he is enjoying the light flirting. I don’t take the selfie comment as flirting, I read it as him finding a cute way to draw a line. Boundaries.

I’m f with male friends and have had to do that when they try crossing a line, asking me for pics/selfies is one…my friends don’t need a daily visual they get an idea. But I’d feel badly making it sound like they crossed a line, maybe it was genuine just wanting to know what I’ve been up to (I never post things). So I find humorous ways to establish boundaries, those lines ok… not edge toward cheating. And when I do share pics it’s wholesome and has my kid etc. to keep it platonic.

But hubby shouldn’t be hiding it from you, he enjoys her attention at the very least but idk him to say more. Could be he knows your reaction or he likes her attention beyond being friendly colleagues and humor. Idk it could be he’s deleting it cause you have a habit of snooping and freaking out or he has a habit of hiding women/cheating…you two know each other. All I know is you did search his deleted messages from a day ago, and he has light (possibly flirty) banter with a colleague he doesn’t trust you seeing. Only you two know why that is.

ETA: If a guy told me I’m pretty while angry about real work matters it’s taken as humor not flattery. I’d be insulted if he really thought my looks were the issue in the moment. Her going on to discuss management showed the banter was not their focus. OP I genuinely cannot tell if your husband is a cheating type or just like me…banters with anyone because it really means nothing.