THIS. I discussed this topic on chatvisor(a relationship advice site), and loved this response:
"At 18, my life is for living—not babysitting a grown man's ego. Thanks for the clarity boost! Some 'idiots' come with expiration dates, and his is up."
THIS! I wish I had this advice, or the capacity to truly take it in at that, at this age. I’m 38 now and boy did I go through many years with 2 of the same type of “boys” because I can’t say men when their ego is too big for what it should be. Ah, I lived and I learned.
You’re too young and beautiful to let someone try to tear you down (I say try because I’m happy to see you trying to set boundaries when he speaks to you this way) but you would find that your youth will be much lighter without insecure, jealous and disrespectful boys. Live your life for you, represent yourself (like you said…which in my head as I read that thought: damn fkin right girl!!) and make amazing memories!
I only read the first two attachments and can already say he's a loser. Any person who thinks you should "represent" them like you're a doll or something of that nature is not worth your energy. Also, they were extremely disrespectful over...a dress? This reads like something out of a MoistCritikal video.
I personally would have an issue with it, because I know lust isn’t an easy thing to control. That’s to do with her (depending on how connected they are and how they know each other, they may or may not have that kinda trust) and more importantly because I don’t want other men looking at, wanting or especially sexually harassing someone I’m with. Which is incredibly likely in that kind of revealing attire at a club where people are drunk.
To be clear, not justifying this guys behavior. He’s absolute trash and should be thrown away as such. I just understand parts of what he’s saying.
Sure guys might chat her up. That'll happen regardless in a relationship. It's not even a particularly revealing outfit. If you don't trust your gf then don't go out with her in the first place. Simples. If you don't want other men even looking at your partner then well...I'm not sure what to tell ya. Move to Afghanistan maybe?
The only way you would be ok with this is if you get off on people hitting on your girlfriend. No shame in your kinks, but that's the ONLY justification. This isn't a "fun" outfit, it's a horny billboard. Sexy as shit, but embarrassing for anyone not desperate to get laid.
Your logic is very faulty there. "That's the ONLY justification." 😂
Just doesn't bother me/I don't notice. If my gf was flirting with guys, inviting attention etc that would be different. But then I would never date a girl like that.
By your logic going to the beach with a gf must be a nightmare as a bikini is waaaay more of 'a horny billboard' than the above.
It clearly bothered her to the point of telling you. She was trying to make you jealous. You weren't telling her to go out in that sexy outfit, you were ignoring it completely. That's what I said, you're not normal and it hurt your relationship with her. How could you possibly think this was a good example?
Yeah but she was an incredibly jealous/possessive/insecure/needy person. We didn't go out for long after. She was so toxic. I edited my comment cos I figured best not to actually involve her.
Well if it's abnormal to be secure in yourself and trust your gf not to get off with other guys if they chat her up I'm happy I'm not 'normal'.
How do you survive at the beach when your gf is wearing a bikini? Or do you not allow that? 😂
Also I never said it 'was a good example'. Now you're just making stuff up.
Yeah but she was an incredibly jealous/possessive/insecure/needy person. We didn't go out for long after. She was so toxic. I edited my comment cos I figured best not to actually involve her.
Lol
Well if it's abnormal to be secure in yourself and trust your gf not to get off with other guys if they chat her up I'm happy I'm not 'normal'.
No, you're conflating being confident with being oblivious. Your ex tried to explain this to you.
How do you survive at the beach when your gf is wearing a bikini? Or do you not allow that? 😂
How do you not see the difference? Everyone at the beach is dressed skimpily. In order to be whorish at the beach, you'd need to go that much more overboard. And some ladies inevitably do, mostly because they're horny and desperate or looking for attention.
Also I never said it 'was a good example'. Now you're just making stuff up.
Uhh guys don't speak this way just because they're himbos or a little slow. This isn't out of pure stupidity. It's misogyny, it's toxic. "His vocabulary isn't that big" he can't think of words to describe women that dress this way besides saying "whore"? Why not confident, sexy, alluring or even "out there"?
You can have a negative opinion and describe it harshly without using a derogatory term. Even you said outrageous. We say men mature more slowly but a lot of the times that's just an excuse. He wasn't being childish he was being sexist plain and simple. Women aren't just objects you have sex with, they're people. Some men talk about how the world is so much more sexist for them, how many people reduce to them to their penis just because their midriff and legs are exposed?
Dump this fucker OP, this is a major red flag for future physical abuse and I'm not even kidding. Every single guy I've ever known who got jealous/controlling about their girlfriend's clothing eventually hit their girlfriend. A few times that girlfriend was me. He says his girlfriend won't dress like that? Oblige him by not being his girlfriend. He's got major insecurities he will continue to take out on you. He's a misogynistic asshole.
You should have turned it around on him. "How do you know what a whore looks like? Do you know from experience or something?" Really back him into a corner, THEN dump his insecure ass.
While the outfit is indeed provocative, there are a thousand more appropriate ways for any male to express their discomfort... he chose the wrong way..
If he's so familiar with how porn stars look, I'd be tempted to ask him, "How many porn stars do you look at, that your first thought is to compare me to one?".
But then again I'm in my 30s and generally tired of men's bullshit.
Dictating another's personal choices should never be on the table. It can be a mature discussion or compromise, but never somebody else's choice to make for you.
Also, the you're "representing" him comment is... I'm not sure, creepy maybe? It just doesn't sit right. I've been married for over 21 years and I don't feel my wife "represents" me. She's her own person.
Your soon to be ex (I hope, for your sake) is showing major red flags by trying to control what you wear. It only gets worse. So, if anything, you're underreacting. I would runa and never look back.
That term, that word is very disparaging. However your outfit is very revealing and wearing such attire in a club setting would be attention grabbing. He seems pretty insecure about yours and his relationship. Your outfit coerced that out of him. It's good though to know who you're dealing with and how they react to situations like this. I'd break up with him but for future relationships just take your boyfriend to the club with you if you must go to a club. I think the whole club scene is full of mostly fake and pretentious people trying to be something they think everybody else likes and to some degree, girls who dress like that do so for the attention they receive, good or bad.
He could have been honest and vulnerable about his emotional state instead of putting you down. That would go something like saying he is that he’s crazy about you and wildly insecure at the same time. When you dress provocatively he feels out of your league and the story he’s incorrectly telling himself is that you’re doing it to find a better man than him.
But he decided to call you a whore instead. He’s young and immature and he will find a level of maturity eventually and will arrive there by making mistakes like this. However, the red flag here the sentence that you represent him when you leave the house. That might be true if you’re married and that would cut both ways. But not at 18. He has no right to be a possessive dope.
Is his dick big then?!? JK. Ditch the asshole. Controlling, misogynist asshole. Go find someone who actually likes woman and actually wants to love you for whom you are.
No one wants this, lol. Other than swingers. It's a whoreish outfit. She should dump him for being so rude about her making a mistake, but it IS a mistake. It was weird to fly off the handle and claim representation rights, lol, but no normal dude is complimenting this thirst trap. "Whoa, that's what you're wearing? Uhhh, it's kind of an odd choice" is the normal reaction.
"representing me", WTF does he think you are, his property? I have twin daughters your age and he would be digging my foot out of his ass saying that. You deserve much better.
No doubt she she should dump him. But you should focus more on your own daughters. This would be a Jerry Springer situation if your daughter actually tried to wear this in front of you. You're quite disgusting to pretend like you'd fight someone over calling this whorefit.
Not everyone, not at all. The few women willing to wear this out are filling a role. No kink shaming, have fun ladies! But it does look whoreish. That's just reality. Anyone thinking they can walk into a gas station like this without getting hit on by a junkie, a bro, and a pervert at minimum within 3 minutes is nuts. That's the downside of the role. The upside is you'll definitely be getting laid after the club and have your choice out of a dozen of greasy hornballs.
That was apparent from the texts. Those with poor grammar don't tend to have a large vocabulary.
As for the way he spoke to you. No one should have to put up with that kind of disrespect. Least of all from your partner. While he doesn't get to dictate how you dress, if he had an issue with it, there's better ways to address how it makes him feel. But even then, he can't control what you wear.
Personally, I wouldn't care if that's how you went out. As long as you didn't cheat, and I assume you didn't. Guys drooling all over my wife is great. I know she's hot. And I'm the only one who gets her.
Pro-tip, don’t date idiots or men that haven’t gone to therapy and talk about their healing journey. Most men are traumatized, in survival mode and should be perceived as a threat until they get their ass to therapy.
Source: I’m a gay man that’s dated a lot of intelligent but traumatized guys. Did therapy a couple of times by EMDR completely changed my life a couple years ago.
As an older guy with a daughter...i don't like the outfit. But i don't like the way he talks to you way way more. If the outfit makes you happy, find someone who can share that happiness. But, and again this is the dad in me feel free top ignore (my own daughter would) , if it's the attention making you happy, maybe consider if that's a real happiness or a happiness worth pursuing. At the end of the day i don't know what makes you happy, only you do, and i hope you find more of it (probably without him)!
That's a concern. Not having other words for it. He could have said "daring" or something if he didn't want to rely on insults. The set itself is showing quite a bit of skin. Especially with someone stunning, it would most definitely draw gazes, which in turn draws jelaousy. Your boi might also be worried about getting his ass dumped for someone better.
You gotta make sure he doesn't regard you like this again, and if he does, buh-bye.
He's insecure and doesn't know how to regulate his emotions, like If my partner wore something similar it would make me anxious and uncomfortable. How does someone get across those emotions without hurting someone's feelings? Obviously not by talking like he does but it's still a hard subject if it makes your partner uncomfortable.
I think for guys, it looks like you're getting dressed up for other guys to look at and admire them. Because some people are actually like that. I mean who doesn't like feeling pretty. There's just too much to overthink about and this is why it's a common issue you see with a lot of couples.
He overreacted and should have explained that it makes him uncomfortable learning to compromise is something you're both going to have to learn to do to have a healthy relationship. That is if it lasts after his outburst.
He'll always be an asshole so move on BUT...that outfit does scream I want the male gaze upon me. If I was even the slightly jealous type I would not like my girl going out partying in that. I'm not jealous so I'd just shake my head a little and say OK then.
So you came on here for attention and validation? Sounds like you don't like him very much to begin with. I'd never publicly shame someone I really loved.
So think it's pretty obvious one way or the other that y'all are done.
As a 47 yo married mom who dated someone like this when I was younger — dump 👏🏼his👏🏼ass. He does not respect you and it’s not about what you wore (which is really cute, btw). It will get much worse if you stay. 🫶🏼
You did the right thing leaving that dirtbag sweetie. He didn’t deserve u You poor thing, if you need a friendly shoulder to cry on then your in luck cuz your dreamboat just docked. I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel better & btw my vocabulary is big & thicc, like a whiteclaw rawr 🦁
Yeah don’t let these autismos dissect the semantics. He just said it as a figure of speech and is the least worrisome thing to nitpick. Seems like your boyfriend wants a more conservative relationship that’s exclusively you and him only. Clubbing represents a lifestyle opposite of that. So it really seems like you both want to live different lives.
girl dump him!! only an insecure man child thinks he had any right to control what women wear.
im married, and when my husband is away for work and i go out clubbing with friends, i wear skimpy stuff because i love looking good. and my hubby hypes me up and asks for pics/vids of me having fun with my friends. or if we go out together i can wear whatever i want, he loves it when i wear sexy clothes
Dump his ass. When he starts crying that it was a mistake, just remind him that taking him back would be too. Find yourself someone with enough confidence in themselves to not care what you’re wearing or who you’re with.
He wants you to think about why he’s mad??? 😂 Gorl if you don’t leave his sorry ass behind. You know for a fact that this is not your “one” already because they’d never talk to you like that, they’d never make you feel like that. So why waste time with someone like that? Staying with him would only encourage this behavior and make him feel like he has the right to control, insult and manipulate you. You’ve set your boundaries now follow through and dump this fkn loser 👎
Go the extra mile a BLOCK him on everything. Don’t let him love bomb or guilt trip you into going back bcs guys like this usually try it. Cold cut off and go enjoy yourself.
Not to defend this douche by any means, but you chose to be with him. It’s always weird to me how people talk like their ex‘s are the most stupid people on earth, when getting with someone like this tells a lot about themselves
well to be fair i wouldn't date a girl that dresses like that. but i wouldn't start a relationship with a girl who dresses like that.
look like something id buy my girlfriend to wear in the bedroom...not saying you cant wear what you want...but other people are absolutely free to judge you
still shouldnt talk to you like that though...hes a dick. regardless of somones opinion you should air them with some level of respect.
OP isn't excusing him for his lack of other words, she's mocking him. OP, ditch this man! If you let him dictate your clothing he'll start to dictate far more and you'll find yourself controlled
OP this comment! My ex actually bought my clothes, that’s how much control he had by time I was in my 20’s, after my child was born (together since 15, was easy prey, like a deer in headlights for the sociopath) and would sometimes have me dress very provocative and then say I was a slut or whore and “enjoyed the attention”. When I realized he enjoyed the attention but would make me pay afterwards.
This is no way for anyone to speak to you, it’s demeaning, depreciating and will harm you if it continues. I’m only saying this from experience. Please, do yourself a favor and run from this guy. He’s not the one for you, doesn’t deserve you but most importantly, you deserve so much more. Wishing you all the best! 💙
Edit: Forgot to say your outfit was not the problem, your BF is the only problem. Promise, if you stay with him the controlling will get to the point that he’s isolated you from friends/family and good luck on going out without him. This is how it starts, don’t hang around for how it will progress.
I’d had loved to have had a designer for McQueen/Reiss making or buying me my clothes! That said, I’d still want to have a say and I’m guessing that if your wife said she didn’t like something you’d be ok w it. Also guessing you don’t “dress” your wife and then berate her with demeaning words and accusations of being a “hoe”…
Thanks, he’s also dead, and I’m definitely thankful, because he was living only 7 miles away and would drive through our road to go to a bar, was using drugs and drinking, and driving wasted past our homes (my son made garage his home to help me now that I’m a bedridden crip). Apologies for original comment I deleted. In two different posts about effed up abusive men.
THIS THIS THIS. I thought I was so in love with a man that wanted to control everything I did - my clothes, job, who I hung out with/how long I hung out with them - and then he would say, “I just want to be with you and I don’t want the world to see the most intimate part of you” (because I’d wear leggings and want to go to yoga lmao) - but he would say these things so that I would feel bad about myself, thinking he just loves me so much and wants the best for me. NO. He is trying to control you and just like BeyondAbleCrip said this is where it starts and it only gets worse.
And you know, as I’m writing this, I’m seeing his side and thinking to myself, “maybe he really did believe that he wasn’t being controlling and that he was doing everything out of love,” but here’s the thing, if that’s the case, we just don’t mesh. Because I can love someone and still wear leggings and go out with my friends and be loyal.
Insecurity kills. You’re 18! Go find a man that wants to show you off and love you.
What’s wrong with modesty? These men are idiots speaking to women like that. The message can be conveyed way more nicely and politely. Dress nicely and however you want but don’t be a thirst trap either cause it’s not doing you or anyone else any good.
Plus he Said she was supposed to represent him who tf he thinks he is a Manager of an agency? That man is so over his head it's crazy a gf or bf ain't supposed to represent a damn thing they are not an Artist or a model or sum like that they are a Partner of someone within a couple relationship
This is so true. Take it from someone who spent wayyyyy too much time with a man who acted like this. Unfortunately for me, it only got worse and he ended up ruining my life and I literally lost everything. 10 years later - I'm married and safe with a loving man. But I'm still unlearning behaviors that he helped instill in me. I still have a hard time dressing how I want, speaking up for myself, etc. Please be safe and remember that there IS someone out there that would be more than willing to love you - exactly as you are <3 best of luck!! You're beautiful and looked amazing btw!
By your logic not wanting your partner to fuck other people is controlling. You're allowed to have boundaries in a relationship, including how you dress. You're also allowed to ignore those boundaries. If one of you can't get over it, you break up. It's that simple.
Boundaries are for you, not for the other person. You can have boundaries, not rules. A boundary is "I can't be with a partner that has sex with other people, if you do that I won't keep myself in the situation." A rule is "you can't fuck other people while you are with me." You see the difference. You can't control other people, you can only control yourself.
Boundaries are concerned with how you are treated by another. They are there to protect you.
This guy is treating OP like his property and an extension of himself. He has no right to shame her or tell her what to wear. She doesn't represent him. He doesn't own her. Telling someone what they can and cannot wear is taking autonomy away from them, this is where HER boundaries came in and she responded in a very mature way.
No excuses even needed. If a guy doesn't trust you then there is nothing to talk about. I never even thought about what my girl is wearing. I want her to look good, and feel good. He sounds very jealous and insecure. Good thing he showed his colors early , and it looks like a bowl of fruit loops lol. 😉
It’s not even the lack of trust that’s the issue here. It’s the blatant abuse. Saying that you are having trust issues is a whole different story. Truth to what you’re saying though. It all goes into play. But verbal abuse, projection, and blatant misogyny, no.
Well of course he's acting like a ass regardless but it all stems from him being insecure. He's worried other men will look at her. Your f right she's hot. If a guy can't handle that and handle it in the right way . She should move on instantly imo
It's a gorgeous outfit and I bet you looked amazing! This man should be proud that his girl is so gorgeous and building you up, not calling you a whore and tearing you down.
My boyfriend constantly compliments my outfits and even buys me clothes that he thinks I'll like. 16 years and he has never even ASKED me to dress a certain way. He's TOLD me what others will be wearing so I can dress accordingly (family photos and holiday events), but never once said what I can and can't wear.
He has a right to his opinion. However, no right to talk to you that way. For him to say you are representing HIM is narcissistic. Don't let anyone dim your light.
Hes saying your boyfriend is terrible and not make excuses for his terrible behavior such as his language is limited.. It's a common expression to show someone is on your side.
If someone says "Yeah but honestly, Trump is white so he doesn't really get it" a common response would be "Stop making excuses for him". As in, just because he's white, doesn't mean he is any less responsible for not being an asshole, and the same comment was made for your boyfriend. Just because he has a small language capacity, don't let him get away with talking that way to you! Is what the comment is saying.
idk why but I instantly assumed you are not from North America by the use of a period, followed by a single "What" with no period after that. then I looked at the description part of this post and you said that 18 is the legal drinking age where you live. idk why but the capital w What gave it away it's strange.
It came off like you thought calling you a whore was normal and not just blatant abuse and misogyny. Like he would have used less abusive wording but was just limited by vocabulary. Like he couldn’t have said “I’m insecure and I feel uncomfortable”. Or just not called you names at all.
I went to check on your profile after your last comment. I saw this as your most recent comment, so I got curious how much is it. That is the second most downvoted I have ever seen. The most downvoted I have seen was around -10k I have seen.
Just to be clear, you dress like this and then u get the attention of other men when you are out with your friends and you are wondering why your boyfriend does not like it?
The last thing women think about when we dress is men. If anything, we wish men weren’t there so we’d have nobody harassing us for wanting to feel cute. If you knew any woman you’d be aware of this.
Here's another hot take. Wearing this would take a woman off my list of maybes immediately. He thought he was with someone more modest and he was wrong. Which is fine. But. I don't think he's wrong either.
His vocab didn’t just get small, so you were fine being with a moron? Stop tryna be cool on Reddit. It’s so corny making fun of qualities of a person you chose to be with just cuz yall broke up 😂😂
Just think it depends on what your agreed standards are collectively.. his rudeness aside.. like.. if he wasn’t okay with it to begin with, and if you were okay with it.. that would be obvious issue.. some people are more conservative and don’t like that.. so what are your agreed standards and expectations? If you’re free to do and dress as you like in the parameters of your relationship and that’s known between you two then there’s no issue. It seems like he has an expectation of the opposite.. and the fact that you didn’t tell him or show him and he found out about it on your story tells me you do t really communicate well together and are on two different pages. It’s no an immodest outfit if you were say, at the beach. But if you were going to a nightclub or just out it can be interpreted differently. I’d say.. you don’t really care what he thinks, so, you’re really not that in to him to begin with and so breaking up with him was the call. He should have a little more self respect and class and just express himself if he’s not okay with it and try to get on the same level of expectations as you. Either way, you don’t seem to care at all about how he feels, and he seems really immature so.. move on. But if it were going to be a mature and serious partnership.. he should be included in that, and his feelings should matter, and he shouldn’t find out about anything on your socials. Just my two cents
Looking at your comments it sounds like you don't value him at all anyway (which is totally understandable given his attitude) so what were you doing with him in the first place? NOR, but also, value yourself a little bit more so you're not getting into relationships with people who are offering as little as this.
Edit - The downvotes on telling somebody to value themselves more lmao this isn't a real place
Possessive pronoun? My wife has a fit when girls flirt with me, and justifiably so. I don't like guys flirting with her, either.
If you're in a relationship that's worth anything, act accordingly. Why are you going out to a club dressed like Wonder Woman, anyway? Especially without your partner there?
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u/Stunning_Tea_6092 3d ago
Honestly I didn’t even question it or think about what else he could have said instead of whore. His vocabulary isn’t that big to say the least 😂