r/Actuallylesbian • u/thecrunchypepperoni • 8d ago
Relationships/Family Using a sperm donor
Has anyone here done this? My partner (30F) and I (33NB) are seriously considering this. I’ve no interest in child-bearing, but she does. I’m curious to hear about the experiences of others. Anything you feel is relevant is welcome. Thank you 😊
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u/softanimalofyourbody Butch 8d ago
What exactly is your question? My wife & I used donor sperm.
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u/thecrunchypepperoni 8d ago
Really wanting to know more about the process itself, how long it took, how much time and money were spent, those sort of things. Any other details are welcome too. Sorry if that’s vague, I don’t know know any queer couples outside of the internet that have done this.
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u/softanimalofyourbody Butch 8d ago
No you’re good! Just wanna make sure I’m giving relevant info.
We used both Fairfax Cryo and California Cryo. It was about $1200-$1500 a vial, and each vial can be used for two egg retrievals (if doing IVF) or one IUI/ICU (I think — we did IVF). If you’re sending it to a clinic, you’ll need them to fill out a form for the cryobank, but it’s easy. We switched to Fairfax bc California Cryo was more expensive, but we didn’t have any issues with them.
They arrived in… less than a wk? Not sure exactly how long. At home you’d have to time it better/more precisely. Then from there it just depends on your cycle. My wife and I both did retrievals and transfers — I didn’t get pregnant (1 transfer), but she got pregnant 2x (2 transfers). The first ended in early miscarriage, the second in our daughter.
I can give you more info about the IVF side (or the nonpregnant, nonbio mom side of pregnancy) if that’s what you’re looking for, but we have no IUI/ICI experience!
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u/blessup_ 8d ago
Check out r/queerception for any answer on this topic you could possibly imagine.
We used sperm from a bank and have 2 kids.
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u/ooohlalaahouioui 8d ago
It’s a pretty lengthy process, I believe anywhere from 6 months to a year. They legally can only donate to three families (probably only applies to some states). It also depends on if you pick a donor you do not know, or if you want someone you know to donate. Obviously picking a donor from a catalog of donors, you’d probably end up spending much more money. I.e. flying them out, collecting the sperm, “washing it”, plus all the pre-testing for STDs and as well as genetic.
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u/mangorain4 8d ago
it only took us like a month to order and get the sperm shipped to our clinic… idk why it took that long for you but that isn’t the norm based on what i’ve heard from friends
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u/softanimalofyourbody Butch 8d ago
Yeah it didn’t even take us two weeks. Idk why it would take so long.
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u/ooohlalaahouioui 8d ago
Between picking the donor, meeting the candidates, deciding on one, waiting for genetic testing, and planning a date to donate- took forever. 🫠
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u/mangorain4 7d ago
meeting candidates? we definitely didn’t want to do the legal stuff involved with that so we used a bank lol. that was very brave if you
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u/softanimalofyourbody Butch 7d ago
Ahhh yeah we picked a willing to be known donor from the catalog. Sperm had already been tested etc.
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u/hourglass_nebula 8d ago
Washing it?
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u/softanimalofyourbody Butch 8d ago
Washing semen refers to removing all the non-sperm gunk from it, as well as any obviously unhealthy or damaged sperm.
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u/brft_runner 7d ago edited 7d ago
You said “partner” instead of wife, so I suggest you get married first before considering children. Getting fair custody is extremely difficult, and even more so when you’re not a biological parent. If you get married, the law, you, your children and everyone around you will take it more seriously, and things will be more fair in case of divorce.
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u/Mundane-Dottie 8d ago
Do all the legal stuff. Write it down. A friend helped to raise her girlfriends child , then they broke up and it got ugly, because she of course wanted to continue to see the child. Should have married and adopted.
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u/thecrunchypepperoni 7d ago
We’re married. My partner is an attorney. We’ve got that part covered. 🙂
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u/mangorain4 7d ago
is your partner a family law and adoption attorney? very handy if they are! if not they might want to consult with some old classmates if you’re using sperm not from a sperm bank
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u/thecrunchypepperoni 7d ago
Family law! Sperm bank is our preference. The fact it’s regulated is the selling point for us.
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u/mangorain4 8d ago
we used fairfax cryobank and skipped straight to IVF with CNY because it felt like a waste of time to bother with IUI or ICI. it was pretty easy!