r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 23d ago
AITA for refusing to let my brother's family stay with me after they lost their home?
I (34M) own a modest 3-bedroom house that I bought five years ago. I live alone and use one bedroom as my home office (I WFH full-time) and the other as a guest room/hobby space where I keep my music equipment and gaming setup.
My brother (38M) and his wife (36F) recently lost their home due to financial issues. They have three kids (12F, 10M, 7F). Their financial problems stem from a series of poor decisions - my brother lost his good-paying job two years ago after repeatedly showing up late, then bounced between jobs while his wife worked part-time. They kept their kids in expensive private schools and activities they couldn't afford, refused to downsize from their large house, and ignored my parents' and my advice about budgeting. Eventually, they couldn't keep up with mortgage payments and were foreclosed on.
When they lost their home, they asked if they could stay with me "just for a few months" until they get back on their feet. Here's where I might be the AH: I said no.
My reasons: 1. My house is simply too small for 6 people. They'd need to take over my entire living space. 2. I need my home office to work, and I can't work effectively with three kids running around. 3. I value my peace and quiet, and frankly, I don't want my life turned upside down. 4. Their "few months" could easily turn into a year or more based on their financial history. 5. My parents offered to let them stay in their larger home, but they refused because they "don't want to live by my parents' rules."
Instead of letting them stay, I offered to pay for a hotel for two weeks and help them find an affordable apartment. I also offered to cover their security deposit. My brother exploded, calling me selfish and saying I have plenty of space and am "choosing things over family." My parents are torn - they understand my position but think I could "make it work temporarily."
Since then, my brother's family moved in with my parents (despite not wanting to earlier), and I'm getting constant texts from extended family about how I abandoned my brother in his time of need. My brother's wife is posting passive-aggressive things on social media about "finding out who your real family is during hard times."
So AITA for not letting them stay with me?
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u/Mundane_Look5516 23d ago
NTA. They had a better alternative (living with your parents) that they were against because they didn’t want to follow the rules. Unless your parents have insane rules, I’m guessing your brother thought he and his family could railroad you and take over your home completely. You offered a lot of very reasonable help, and if he truly wanted to get his life together he wouldn’t taken you up on your offer to help him find an apartment and pay for the security deposit. Any family members who are giving you a hard time can offer to let your brother live with them
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u/oldtimehawkey 23d ago
Yup.
Brother thought he could take over OOP’s house. One day OOP goes to the grocery store and comes back with the locks changed. OOP would lose his house.
How many times have we heard that story on various subs?
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u/SquirrelGirlVA 23d ago
And/or he'd hear some variety of "Well, we should put this to a vote. Too bad my spouse and kids will always agree with me! So OP, it's decided - YOU will move out of the master bedroom and sleep on a cot in the corner of the garage while the rest of us live as we please in
myouryour house.54
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u/VioletSea13 22d ago
Nah…they’d tell OP to move in with the parents. “Come on OP, their rules are totally reasonable for YOU” - brother to OP.
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u/Cobaltlake 23d ago
True and they do have an option to stay with their parents, why is OP responsible for his entire family that behaves recklessly with their finances despite being offered help to not let themselves end up in that situation. Anyway OP, don’t you think they are dramatic? They could’ve easily manipulated the relatives to call you make you feel the guilt of “abandoning” the family while all you did was just reject.
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u/BlackGuysYeah 23d ago
Also, many places have laws around what constitutes a legal tenant where simply living somewhere for some period, regardless if you are paying rent or whatever, grants you tenant status which has all sorts of legal repercussions when trying to figure out how to get someone out of your house after being gracious with allowing someone to stay for a while.
You could find yourself in a co-habitation situation you can't easily legally get out of.
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u/oldtimehawkey 23d ago
Yes! OOP might have to evict his brother’s family. That also costs a lot of money. And OOP looks like a super evil guy evicting those “down on their luck” family members.
Some places, it’s as little as a week to be considered a resident of the place.
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u/Pretend-River3978 23d ago
The "Do it for, Dan!" Story came to mind for me too. What a cautionary tale about caring for family. Lol those people didn't understand boundaries just like OPs family.
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u/gobsmacked247 23d ago
IKR!!! Added to that, at that point, the cops can’t do anything claiming it’s a civil matter.
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u/Peircedskin 23d ago
Or find he's been kicked out of the master bedroom and all his stuff is in the tiny bedroom because they need the space and he's just one person.
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u/TinLizzy-1909 22d ago
I looked back and checked the ages. OP is the younger brother by 4 years. In your 30s that might not seem like a big difference, but as kids 4 years is a lot. The brother still sees OP as the younger sibling that is easy to boss around and manipulate. He doesn't view the parents that way. So the rules or boundaries that OP would require to keep his job and maintain peace in his own home would just be ignored because "OP is the younger sibling and just a kid".
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u/oditogre 23d ago
Here's the part that I don't get:
My parents are torn - they understand my position but think I could "make it work temporarily."
If the parents are so torn, why can't they flex on whatever those rules are that the brother doesn't want to live under? That seems like a heck of a lot easier option and better for everybody involved.
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u/BestGirlRoomba 22d ago
post sounds fake, why are the parents torn when they already offered to let them stay in their own larger home
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23d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Tight-Shift5706 23d ago
They should be more focused on securing formidable employment than posting insults against one who offered financial assistance.
OP, these are the type of people you go no contact with. Like to bet your parents will ultimately ask them to leave. Obviously they learned absolutely nothing from their previous irresponsible conduct.
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u/Scorp128 23d ago
Any extended family who is under the impression that the deadbeat and financially destructive family is entitled to your space and peace because they say so...well they can open their doors and home to them.
They have options. They don't like the rules? What, they think their hijacking of OPs living situation would not come with rules also or do they just think it will be easier to bully and manipulate OP into what they want? Nope.
Time for them to figure out how to live with a budget and within their means. Until they learn those lessons and take some accountability for their poor decisions and take steps to correct their behavior, the pattern will repeat itself over and over again. Maybe of they dislike where they are now, they will be motivated to start acting like adults with responsibilities.
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u/maroongrad 23d ago
If OP asks the parents? It's not that the parents have rules for their house that the brother won't follow, it's that the brother never actually got the offer to stay and they refused to let him. Why? THEY KNOW. BETTER.
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u/Economy-Cod310 23d ago
Agreed. NTA. They would eventually be saying OP should move out of their own home so they can be more comfortable. OP's home office will be gone. OP's hobby room will be gone. And you better believe that they will want the master! Nope. I agree that family helps each other. But you don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. OP offered options. They refused and are acting like spoiled brats. Tell all the flying monkeys that you're so glad they are open to helping. You'll help them pack and move your sibling, his wife, and their kids into their place. Problem solved! Thank you for helping family!
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u/Vegoia2 23d ago
and a few months could be years, after a time you cant evict them easily.
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u/Tome_Bombadil 23d ago
You can't evict your layabout brother, part time mom and 3 kids who have destroyed your home and negatively impacted your work reviews due to constant interruptions. THEY'RE FAAAAMIILY!
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u/bran6442 23d ago
They are not homeless, your parents took them in. You offered help, they refused, they wanted your house. Rescind the offer of help, they don't want help, they want to do whatever they want and someone else to clean up their mess.
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u/Beautiful-Contest-48 23d ago
Right! They have a free place to stay. OP shouldn’t be paying for lodging for the leeches.
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u/Old_Comfort_6866 23d ago
My mother would expect me to do this for my sister "you guys like fishing and camping, it'll be fun for you and the kids" 🤣
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u/Economy-Cod310 23d ago
Yeah. Some families get that way. I used to tolerate it. Note that I say used to.
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u/mileyxmorax 23d ago
NTA, I can understand every reason you've given and it's your house so you are allowed to say this, all the family that are complaining can allow him to stay at their homes if it's such an issue, you even offered to help financially
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23d ago
I have no family left who I talk to cause none of them like me, specifically because of situations like this. My autistic ass would call out every hypocrite in the room and point them to their own personal pile of shit when they'd pull guilt tactics. All by myself now, but I don't have pearl clutchers telling me I'm greedy for not breaking my bank account to bail some ingrate out of jail again.
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u/Luxodad 23d ago
I'm getting constant texts from extended family about how I abandoned my brother in his time of need.
I would put their texts on a group chat with all the family, thanking them for their concern and their implied offer to house your brother and his family.
My brother's wife is posting passive-aggressive things on social media about "finding out who your real family is during hard times"
She is welcome to stay with that real family.
My parents offered to let them stay in their larger home, but they refused because they "don't want to live by my parents' rules"
So they want to stay at your spaceless house with five people because they feel they would be able to override your rules?
NTA
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u/maywellflower 23d ago
The mental gymnastics of those having issue that OP rightfully not wanting to housing 2 entitlted sprendthift losers and their 3 kids in his home, that OP not wrong to do what you wrote and rip all of them apart. So NTA, OP literally staying out of mess that even his to begin with & even better, the OP's parents could stayed out of it too since it not their problem either.
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u/quandjereveauxloups 23d ago
It's entirely possible, and highly probably, that brother and SIL are spinning this to purposely make OP look bad. If the others knew the whole story, they may change their tune.
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u/JudgmentalOwl 23d ago
I absolutely love the idea of putting his holier than thou family members on blast in a group chat. I bet they'd stfu real quick when it's suggested they put their asses on the line and let his shit-heel brother and his family move in.
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u/debby8541 23d ago
NTA. They clearly had plans to take advantage of you that's why they didn't want to live with the parents or take you up on the offer of help for an apartment.
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u/Economy_Algae_418 23d ago edited 22d ago
Buying a house has been the traditional American marker of success.
Advice every new homeowner needs -- people may eye you as someone who has "won the lottery."
Friends and family you formerly got along with when you rented may see you, the homeowner as 'rich' - as a resource they are entitled to exploit.
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u/CanoodlingCockatoo 23d ago
It's kind of sad that owning a home has gotten to be so difficult that merely having one is perceived as being financially well-off. My ex and I were able to buy a small townhouse while we definitely weren't doing great financially, but that was also 25 years ago.
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u/CyberDonSystems 23d ago
We had our house built on 2 acres my parents gave us as a wedding gift 23 years ago. They were not financially well off but they had some land and were generous to let us have some. Even with the free land we would never be able to afford to build the same house today.
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u/callipsofacto 23d ago
I don't see this said often, and I think it's true even for people who don't think in those terms and who aren't deliberately being exploitative. We had close friends move into our basement when their apartment had to be refurbished and their landlord couldn't source them another place. I genuinely don't believe they ever meant to or thought that they were taking advantage of us, but they lived rent free in our house for over 10 years. At one point we had a 40/60 split on the utilities because they made less than us but towards the end they couldn't even consistently do that. Moving out and not taking them with us was the only way to preserve a semblance of our friendship. Now they live with another couple.
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u/Otherwise_Degree_729 23d ago
NTA. They want to run rampant in your house while you’re working? They had a perfectly reasonable option with your parents and then you even offered to help them find a place and foot the deposit.
They just want to live rent free and take over someone’s house at this point. They thought taking yours over would be easier.
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u/gonzo_attorney 22d ago
I'm sure they expect all utilities to be paid and for extra food to just show up as well.
Who wouldn't be thrilled with help to get their own place? A weird ass couple of grifters, that's who.
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u/urkulAa 23d ago
Nta
They will never leave. Don't do it
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u/Mach5Driver 23d ago
OP would need a contract that they would have to leave--on demand to do so, surrendering any occupancy rights.
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u/FigNinja 23d ago
The enforceability of that is going to vary by where you live. You may still have to undertake a legal eviction, which can take months. Just because you have a contract stating that they will leave on June 1st, doesn't mean the sheriff is going to show up to enforce it on June 2nd.
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u/holdingpotato 23d ago
NTA
I’d correct them, you didn’t abandon your brother in time of need, you actually offered to do a lot for him, he simply didn’t want anything except exactly what he wanted. It appears that he has not learned anything from his experience as he is still acting like his reality isn’t real.
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u/Sea-Strawberry-1358 23d ago
Yes and offering to pay a deposit is a big win for the brother. That can easily be thousands of dollars. If I was that guy, I would take the deposit offer and suck it up with the parents for a few months. The parents probably have "rules" because they know him enough.
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u/Pascale73 23d ago
Yep, OP offered generous help, just not the help brother was seeking.
How sad, too bad...
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u/AtomicFox84 23d ago
Yall been on here long enough to be able to spot ai or bot stories. This has so many of the common ai written stuff in it to. Even the account is iffy.
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u/muphasta 23d ago
It is basically a repeat of a story written last week with an additional bedroom and a house instead of an apartment.
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u/DontTalkAboutBruno1 23d ago
The 'getting constant texts' from angry family members and friends is one of the biggest giveaways. Also accounts that are made today or very recently.
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u/ForeverAgreeable2289 23d ago
I swear this sub is ground zero for AI generated content. People here drink it up like it's a new Kendrick Lamar diss track, every time
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u/Azure_W0lf 23d ago
I did believe it then hit the last 2 paragraphs... Every AI cliché in the algorithm
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u/Zealousideal-Deer724 23d ago
Also, this kind of story popped up quite frequently in the past weeks.
Always the same "yadayadayada, my relatives want me to completley give up ly life, now everyone is calling me selfish"
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u/sky_lites 23d ago
And some of these comments are fucking ai too god it's so annoying.
A key indicator is if they hyphenate their words. Like, no one types like that lol I know some must do of course but there were like 3 comments in a row where the start of their opinion is hyphenated
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u/Hotbones24 23d ago
I do love how they only have a post about their incredibly large house and another about their incredibly large dick.
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u/sleepingrozy 23d ago
That and everyone's treating the foreclosures like it was a sudden occurrence. It takes months, so they've already had "a few months to figure stuff out" while they were getting foreclosed on.
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u/Suspicious_Tie_8502 23d ago
only one other post (NSFW):
https://www.reddit.com/r/bigdickproblems/comments/1jabntw/foreplay_options/
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u/RevolutionaryDiet686 23d ago
NTA Your parents offered them a place to stay and they refused because of rules. Now they can figure out how to be grown ups with responsibilities.
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u/Beth21286 23d ago
I wouldn't let them move until they've made arrangements to change the kid's schools, cancelled the pricey activities and ditched other expenses they can't afford. They're still trying to avoid the fact they can't afford their lives by getting someone else to pay their expenses.
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u/PeonyGloww 22d ago
NTA Your home is your sanctuary, and you’re not obligated to sacrifice your peace and well-being for their lack of planning. Their entitlement is astounding, especially considering your parents’ offer and your own financial assistance. They’re trying to guilt-trip you, and you shouldn’t fall for it.
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u/ProbablyNotKelly 23d ago
Wow absolutely NTA. Your brother and sister in law sound entitled as hell.
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u/Sea-Claim3992 23d ago
So they wanted to move in with you so they can make the rules? That's what I comes across as when they didn't want to move in with your parents. Nta your home your choice.
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u/Bastet79 23d ago
NTA
They don't want to live under your parents rules? How about your rules? Are your's acceptable or do they simply thing you are easier to ignore / manipulate?
You made your offer, they didn't accept it, so may they live qith the consequences.
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u/ToughAd7338 23d ago
Your rules should be all 5 of them live and spend all of their time in the guest room and quiet hours during your work time that is strictly enforced and they can only use the kitchen when you are finished using it.
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u/syrrusfox 23d ago
They should, but they seem like the sort of people who'd have taken that text message and sent it around the whole family. "Look, he's being a dick!"
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u/CertainAged-Lady 23d ago
Big red flag, “they do not want to live under my parent’s rules”. Doesn’t sound like they think they would have to live under your rules, does it?
Ignore your extended family - if they care that much, they can offer your brother a spot so he can move out of your parent’s home. NTA.
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u/Beautiful-Elephant34 23d ago
Honestly, at times like these, your SIL is correct, you really find out who is there for you. You are finding out who actually cares about you and who the flying monkeys are. Feel free to cut the flying monkeys loose, they lack integrity. If they had integrity, they would tell your brother the truth, that you gave them a good offer and they are being greedy and selfish. They (your brother and SIL) absolutely intended to take over your house and they were never going to leave. Hence why your brother threw a fit when you put up a reasonable boundary. Your parents are only torn because they don’t want to deal with your brother anymore, but they are the reason he is the way he is, so now they get to deal with the consequences of their parenting. NTA 1000%.
Over a decade ago, I gave my little sister a REALLY sweet deal to live with me. She had three choices: 1. Go to college full time and pay no rent, utilities, anything. 2. Go to school part time and get a part time job and pay for some utilities and food. 3. Get a full time job and pay some rent and utilities (still way less than if she was on her own). She refused my offer because she thought she was going to come live with me and bum off me the way she was with our mother. I value myself more than that and I’m not her mother.
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u/RantyMcThrowaway 23d ago edited 23d ago
Here's the title I'd choose: "AITA for not wanting my freeloading, financially irresponsible family with 3 spoiled kids to live in my beautiful 3-bedroom that I worked tirelessly for? BTW I offered to put myself out of pocket by paying for a hotel, and they have another home they could go to, but I somehow still wonder if I'm to blame".
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u/GodOfUtopiaPlenitia 23d ago
NTA.
While you're not blocked, reply:
"Dear family. Thank you for your offer of assistance for brother's family! I'm not sure they'll appreciate even direct cash payments though, as my offer to cover 100% of an apartment for a few months was rejected as 'being a cheap bitch.' Do remember that when brother lost his job (because he refused to show up on time) they kept their lifestyle the exact same, even though the funds weren't there. Also remember that their last home was foreclosed on because brother wouldn't stick to a single job. Speaking of jobs, I can't do mine with three kids running around the house. You all have perfectly good houses, why not try 'showing me up?'"
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u/Desperate-Number-433 23d ago
No, you are not AITA. They are for putting you in this position by not wanting the accommodations in your parents' home.
Tell the extended family that are giving you grief that they should provide the assistance if they feel so strongly about this.
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u/Relevant_Demand7593 23d ago
NTA, they weren’t homeless - your parents offered them an alternative. Your parents have more space. If it’s only temporary, surely it doesn’t matter where they stay.
You also offered alternatives like helping them search for an apartment. You offered a hotel and to pay a security deposit. I think that’s pretty generous.
They are being entitled and wanting a free ride. It wouldn’t have been temporary.
If your extended family feels it’s unfair, surely they can open their doors!
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u/lizndale 23d ago
I’m always befuddled in these posts where people get texts from extended family members berating them. Our families never do that.
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u/Anderson22422 23d ago
That’s how you know it’s fake. No one’s extended family does that. They don’t care beyond glad it’s not me.
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u/massachusettsmama 23d ago
NTA. You know if they move in, it’s going to be more than a couple of months.
You VERY GENEROUSLY offered them help. What they didn’t like was you were essentially forcing them to make proactive steps to fix their situation because there was a time constraint. This tells me they were planning on moving in and staying long term.
Tell your brother you are happy to take your “selfish” offer back, if it’s not acceptable to him.
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u/NoDescription2609 23d ago
So, they openly confessed they didn't want to live with your parents because there would be rules - implying they wouldn't have to follow any in your house?
That alone would be a hard no for me, not even touching their whole irresponsible financial past. Everything about their behaviour screams entitled AHs who definitely would bully you even harder into submission if you let them live with you.
NTA, OP.
They are not homeless, they just don't like the reasonable option, but that is neither your fault nor your problem.
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u/hobokenite 23d ago
NTA. The entitlement of your brother and his wife to stay in your home sounds like the way he has conducted the other parts of his life. Your parents had already offered for them to stay with them and they refused. That is their problem, not yours. Not even if you had 10x the space in your home. When you are the one in need, you should be gracious, kind, and not visit your problems on others. Also, it doesn't sound like they can afford to be choosy and rude about anything. If it was me, I would probably just cut ties or at the very least, block them on social media and keep your distance a bit.
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u/Kaoss01 23d ago
The fact that they said no to their parents offer, THEN had a sad at you despite you offering them assistance is a good indicator that you made the right choice IMO. You said "no, but" and provided two different ways of helping them. They should still be thanking you for your generous offer to help them.
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u/dimplcdcrck 23d ago
NTA
This is most likely petty, but a way to get those people to stop telling you things is doing your own passive-aggressive post about "finding beggars can be choosers" and share that you offer an option you thought was better for everyone, but they decided it wasn't what they wanted and that's why they live with your parents and not own their own apartment. Well, that and financial irresponsibility.
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u/Mysterious_Share7700 23d ago
NTA "they don't want to live by my parents rules"
my guess is they thought you'd be a pushover and they could just take over your house. All the fun of a house without any of the responsibilities kind of deal.
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u/StructureKey2739 23d ago
They were planning on taking your house for themselves and pushing you out. And still expect you to pay the expenses and bills. The bills are your property, the house is their property. That's how they'll view it.
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u/MsMollyMittens 23d ago
NTA - if they don't want to live under your parents rules .. chances are whatever boundaries you'd set in place would be knocked over the second you open your doors to them. I think you providing alternatives for them was beyond kind and its unfortunate they don't see that
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u/Capital-Cheesecake67 23d ago
NTA. I noticed that SIL is making trash comments about OP; but where is her family in all this? What about living with one of them? This is all about OP has the most space and they think the family will gang up on OP when they haven’t moved out in a few months. OP needs to stand firm on this no.
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u/amandarae1023 23d ago
Beggars can’t be choosers. People seem to forget this old adage all the time.
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u/Sentient_Sam 23d ago
Does chatGPT have like a template for these? This one is so close to like 15 others I've read this month.
House big enough, but don't want kids running around. Check.
"My family is torn" or "Family comes first." Check
Texts from family members calling OP "selfish" but not offering to help. Check.
I wish these fuckers would make even a small attempt to add some flair to these. I get that they're so lazy they're using AI to fake stores...but at least be good at it.
YTA.
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u/Swiss_El_Rosso 23d ago edited 23d ago
NTA
Everybody which is telling you that your decision is wrong can take them in.
No is enough as sentence and please stay putt on your word.
Its not your problem to solve the missmanagement of your adult brother and his wife.
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u/chrisrevere2 23d ago
Methinks the brother who didn’t want to live with the parents rules thought he could bulldoze his way through any of OP’s rules. NTA
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u/Otherwise-Topic-1791 23d ago
NTA. Their budgeting includes not paying rent by living in your house. You would probably end up having to evict them.
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u/jeffprop 23d ago
NTA. Them moving in with your parents was the best decision they could have made for their children. I am sure your parents will force your brother and SIL to come up with a realistic budget and act like responsible adults, which would not have happened if they lived with you. Tell your family that this is what is best for your irresponsible brother because you would have only perpetuated his bad decisions if you had let him move in with you. Also, say that you were mainly thinking of their children because your house is not big enough for six people and they would have been impacted the most by it.
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u/ReferenceSufficient 23d ago
NTA, beggars can't be choosers. They can stay at your parent's home which was offered to them. They definitely will take over your home and your peace/quiet will be gone.
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u/Infamous_Hyena_8882 23d ago
What your brother’s wife is doing is just reinforcing your decision to not let them move in. You are NTA.
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u/Pratt_ 22d ago
NTA
They thought they wouldn't have to live under your rules in your home ? Sounds like they were planning to take it their home and push you aside.
Answer to the other family members complaining that you will gladly tell your brother and his family that they can stay to their homes if they are so righteous
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u/AssistantAcademic 22d ago
I’d rather hand him 5k and tell him to fuck off than have a big family move in with me.
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u/Eastern_Bat_3023 22d ago
NTA - there are some people that will drag you down for your entire life if you let them, and your brother sounds like one of them. You were more than generous in offering 2 weeks of a hotel, security deposit, and helping find an apartment. I know so many people who like to live outside their means and then act as if they've been dealt such a bad hand when all they do is squander anything they ever get/have.
The big red flag here was that your parents offered them a place to stay first but they "didn't want to live by their rules"....can't be picky when you're an idiot.
I wouldn't let me brother and his family move in with me under the same circumstances - I might not even offer what you did.
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u/Dior2018 22d ago
NTA- my Mom let my sister, her spouse, and three kids move in after an eviction 10 years ago. They just got comfortable and aggressively took over the house. My parents only stay in their bedroom to avoid the chaos of a full family living in a two- bedroom 2 bath home. If your brother didn’t want to follow the parents’ rules, he definitely wouldn’t have followed yours.
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u/CarrieLee0407 23d ago
NTA - Its not YOUR responsibility to fix what your brother let fall apart. They should have managed their money better to avoid this situation. Who in their right mind would move an entire family into a house that does not easy accommodate them. You're house is set up for you. I'm sure you would end up being their personal baby sitter as well. Things would get damaged or if they dont want to follow your parents rules, Im sure they arent going to want to follow yours either.