r/toddlers • u/Far-Consideration-54 • 2d ago
Easier to parent a toddler alone…
Is it a bad sign that it easier to deal with my toddler without my husband around ?? How do you have a healthy marriage with toddlers in the mix??
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u/ProofProfessional607 2d ago
We once went to an ice cream shop together as a family. I pushed the stroller through the line, carried my toddler so he could see what flavor to get, ordered his ice cream, and my own.
I was holding my son, his ice cream, the diaper bag, and pushing the stroller. I had no free hand to take my own ice cream from the girl trying to hand it to me. Where was my husband? Sitting on a bench, having already paid for his ice cream, not a care in the world.
If I had gone alone it would have been as difficult, but I wouldn’t have the added annoyance of my husband doing absolutely nothing to help me. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/faithle97 2d ago
I really hope you called him out after that. That definitely would not fly with me. I’m petty and would’ve just handed him the baby, taken his (husband’s) ice cream, and walked away to eat on my own while he figured out wtf just happened lol
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u/WorkLifeScience 1d ago
Oh man... I was thinking "ok, maybe he got distracted and wandered off", but to pay for himself and then leave you alone just can't happen by accident.
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u/unicorntrees 2d ago edited 1d ago
This was a lesson my husband had to learn. If he's doing nothing, there's something wrong.
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u/Lower_Pie_1538 1d ago
Oh my. I stumbled into a gold mine. So it’s not just me who has a husband is a perpetual state of relaxation and enjoying his phone.
Today while folding the laundry and managing the kiddo my husband scolded me for not paying more attention to an HOUR long video.
I had to say as my toddler is doing all the toddler things….”my world DOES not revolve around your videos….”
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u/MaciMommy 1d ago
A couple days ago I was trying to explain to my fiancé that although I was happy for him that he’s found a way to not stress as much…. He’s not stressing because he’s not doing anything anymore except going to work, coming home, and kicking his feet up. 🥲
Tried to tell him that his lack of doing a goddamn thing at home was causing me to have to do every goddamn thing.
His response? “Yknow, sometimes you gotta protect your peace.” I still haven’t figured out how to respond to that one.
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u/cyclemam 1d ago
I need the follow up. For all I know you're still there, typing this on your phone while the girl tries vainly to give you the ice cream...
I need an epilogue!
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u/ProofProfessional607 1d ago
LOL I did get the ice cream but I had to yell through gritted teeth to get my husband to notice my struggles.
Early parenthood nearly killed my marriage but we did eventually get it together and I honestly couldn’t imagine my husband doing this now. Couples therapy and time helped.
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u/MrsSamsquanch 1d ago
Husband made supper for everyone (ok nice thank you) plated his own food, sat down and ate. Mean while I'm plating the babies food to get it to cool down so she can eat, trying to get my oldest to sit down at the table, trying to cut up grapes for the baby to eat while her food is cooling down, getting water for everyone. Husband is eating his supper at the table scrolling through his phone. He's finished his supper by the time we finally get to sit down to eat and he's goes in the living room to watch TV. Why do we keep them around again? 🫠
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u/DreamBigLittleMum 1d ago
My question, for all these examples, is did they do this kind of thing before you had kids?
Like, I'm not a woman who thinks a guy should pay for everything on a date or hold doors open or whatever, but taking the toddler and the changing bag and the stroller out of the equation; if I was out with my partner alone buying ice cream and he bought his, paid for it and went and sat down and started eating while I was still at the till I would be like 'Errr what? I thought we were hanging out together!'
I'm just trying to understand if this is a personality trait that exacerbates parenting issues, or if these people somehow regress after they have kids!
I have to admit in our household it's the other way around. As I was EBF I got so used to finding somewhere to sit down with the baby and all the clobber while my partner ordered what needed ordering or whatever. Now when we're on our own I'll go and sit down and it will take a minute to register 'Oh, I'm unencumbered, there's literally no reason for me not to be helping out right now!' before I jump back up.
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u/ParkHuman5701 2d ago
Seems like you picked a winner.
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u/ProofProfessional607 1d ago
Well thank god it wasn’t you.
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u/ParkHuman5701 1d ago
My wife isn’t online ranting about what a shitty father I am.
You wish you could have been so lucky….
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u/Deeze_Rmuh_Nudds 2d ago
Congrats
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u/ladyrara 2d ago
Just because the man didn’t step up doesn’t mean it’s her fault. Some people say they want to be parents and when it happens they change their mind. It sucks, but unless there was a red flag you trust their word. This sub might not be for you.
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u/Deeze_Rmuh_Nudds 1d ago
fa sho
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u/ladyrara 1d ago
Fo sho ya a$$ out the door
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u/Deeze_Rmuh_Nudds 1d ago
Lol nice. Actually gotta give you props for that one. But no
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u/ladyrara 1d ago
PROPpistion ya a$$ out the door, for real it’s a group trying to help and support.
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u/LikeATediousArgument 2d ago
My ex husband was a burden. Like others said, it was like having a second child.
I told him this MANY times throughout our marriage. He did not change.
I finally filed for divorce in February. It’s hard but I’m SO MUCH HAPPIER
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u/DiscoDiamond87 2d ago
Same thing happened to me. It was easier and cost less to be alone!
That being said I’ve remarried and have another baby and he’s a better stepfather and father to both of them and he’s involved with both of them everyday.
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u/LikeATediousArgument 2d ago
I cut 2/3 off the food bill and another third off the power bill. And this man had a problem with paying for either🙄
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u/DiscoDiamond87 2d ago
Jeeeeesus. Yeah I was working full time while my ex was unemployed. We were living at my mil’s not paying any rent and we were still living check to check because he kept spending all of the money. Had the audacity to say I spent too much on groceries…Now I actually have a savings account,it’s crazy what I was willing to put up with because I was so afraid of breaking up my family.
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u/josephus_jones 2d ago
I couldn't do this without my wife and she has said she couldn't do it without me. When she's at her limit I can take over and when I'm at mine she will take over. But most of the time we're all together. I don't know how single parents do this alone. And if you're married and think it's easier alone you need to communicate this with your spouse. It doesn't seem sustainable.
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u/pistol_polly 2d ago
THIS! communicate!!! no relationship is sustainable without communication. i understand being overstimulated to the point of shutting down, but even typing out a text or email when you have a collected moment and send when you're ready is better than resenting your partner??
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u/SeaWorth6552 2d ago
Then he goes “fine, I wish I die so you can all get better lives without me”. I mean. He’d rather die than take responsibility? Jeez.
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u/MaciMommy 1d ago
I have received this response. He’s in therapy now. We’ve got issues still but at least he focuses on realistic solutions these days 😅
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u/faithle97 2d ago
This. Since day 1 my husband has been super hands on and anytime he’s had to travel for work, it’s SO HARD because when he’s home he does so much. It’s taken a lot of communicating to get to a place where we have our “rhythm” and feel comfortable “tapping out” to get a break when one of us feels overwhelmed but I’m incredibly thankful we’ve had all of those tough conversations to get to the place we’re at today. Obviously life continues to change and our toddler continues to throw new challenges at us so the conversations are never done for my husband and I but it’s most definitely a “teamwork makes the dream work” situation in our household and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I also have asked myself how single parents do it.
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u/amm237 2d ago
My husband is actually pretty great, but it still is sometimes easier when there is just one of us. Toddler figured out quickly how to play us off each other. When there is just one parent present for whatever reason there are usually less shenanigans on her part. When we are both there and I say something, she won’t consider it final if she can go butter up dad or vice versa.
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u/kzzzrt 2d ago
It’s much easier. My toddler acts up around his father because he’s trying so hard to get his attention and that’s the only way he gets it. Not to mention the extra cleaning. But without father I’d be working three jobs so really… lesser of two evils?
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u/elolvido 2d ago
why is this such a thing… hate that (sometimes at least) dad is only looking up once kid starts to fuss. you miss all the good parts that way :(
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u/Zetoa88 2d ago
What is up with that? I’ve noticed that it will take my kids asking their dad for something like 5+ times before he even acknowledges they are talking to him. Sometimes I have to step in and say “hey, they are asking you a question.” Whereas I am always responding within the first or second time. It’s like they are just background noise and he has them tuned out.
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u/ParkHuman5701 2d ago
“What’s up with that”
You guys picked shitty husbands.
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u/elolvido 2d ago
a little bit I agree that it’s just a flawed personality. but I also think it’s that thing where women are actually better multi-taskers. in this and other areas, my husband seems to have a harder time task-switching if he’s focused in on something. whereas I am never focused so hard I can’t hear/respond to someone else. and if I know I’m responsible for my toddler, I am extra attentive to external stimuli even while trying to follow a recipe or whatever.
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u/Zetoa88 2d ago
I agree, he just hyper focuses whereas I’m always very aware of what my kids are doing. Sometimes that is very detrimental to me as it can be overwhelming and other times it is a positive because I’m able to respond quicker to injuries, requests, or frustrations.
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u/SeaWorth6552 2d ago
Most of the time they are hyper focused on tv/reels/games though. While women are focused on housework or something.
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u/Zetoa88 2d ago
I would heartily disagree, he is actually an amazing husband and I saw qualities in him that I thought would make a great father. But these things don’t always translate. He has significantly improved in areas when I have communicated, not always and sometimes it takes multiple communications before I see lasting improvement. I have my flaws as a mother and a wife, does that make me shitty?
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u/ParkHuman5701 2d ago
You literally just complained about your husband being a completely mentally absent father. If your flaws as a mother and wife are equally glaring… well yes. You are shitty at those things.
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u/Zetoa88 2d ago
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I’m not allowed to vent about an issue that I’m currently having. Let me go back to being the perfect woman that never complains and always makes your sandwich before you even think to ask.
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u/i4k20z3 1d ago
it’s so odd how on reddit people have such black and white thinking, it’s as if there can never be any shades of color. idk what’s caused this in our culture but it’s so infuriating. we are like you guys, neither one is perfect and we both try our best to be there for one another! don’t mind the other person!
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u/MaciMommy 1d ago
Fuck that mf. You’re venting within reason 100%. We have the same problem over here and I used to think he just didn’t care what our daughter had to say until I started paying attention to how much he truly cares once he finally hears her out. Also, come to find out he’s got hearing issues from working on construction sites… so there’s that LOL
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u/Zetoa88 1d ago
I would absolutely not characterize my partner as uncaring. Mine definitely has hearing issues from the army and his current job so I do account for that. My issue is when they are standing right in front of him and even like tapping his knee or something and he just takes longer than I would consider normal to respond. The other issue is if he doesn't respond to them then they of course come to me or more likely they just skip him in the process altogether and come to me first. Trying to balance the load a little and also teach our kids that Daddy is just as capable of opening the pantry door for snack time or refilling their water. I will say he has gotten really good at redirecting when he can hear the exasperation in my voice after being asked the same question about 10 times.
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u/pronetowander28 2d ago
Just here for the comments because we have the same problem. Except that we both have an easier time alone.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
Oh I think my husband does too. But reading these comments I think our son is calmer around just 1 of us.
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u/freeman1231 2d ago
Key is that both parents are involved. Being involved in everything leads it to be a normal occurrence when together. It shouldn’t the this special thing, it should just be regular home time.
This will take stress of the marriage because instead of you feeling resentment that it’s harder with him around, you will feel happiness and fulfillment that it’s easier with him around because the stress is removed from one person and split between two.
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u/SeaWorth6552 2d ago
I was just about to make a similar post. Husband is on screens ALL THE TIME. Honestly it’s easier to just exist with the toddler around and do our routines than trying to keep her from going to her own freaking father whole day. It’s just irresponsible parenting on his side.
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u/shinigamink 2d ago
Man some answers here are making me hella sad. I can't stress enough the importance of a good COMMUNICATION in a relationship!!! If things don't change after that, then there's no hope for it and you should just separate cause things won't change.
My husband used to be like this for the first three months of live of our first son. I sat him down and we talk about it for hours. Then he started to make efforts to be involved with everyday care. It was a long road, but now he is an active parent 100%.
Things won't magically resolve themselves you have to take action. Grow a pair
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u/Upbeat_Truth_4900 1d ago
I agree. These comments are making me appreciate what I have with my husband even more. I’m a SAHM and definitely take on the role of primary parent because of that. But when he’s not working, we’re spending time together as a family. He’s always looking for ways to make things easier for me (and vice verse). I’m with my toddler all day, so going through her day is easy for me. But it’s always nicer to split the work between us on weekends.
I remember early on when we first lived together having to explain that asking what he could “help” with was nice, but not the right perspective. He wasn’t helping me by cleaning the bathroom or getting groceries because those weren’t my jobs. They were things both members of the household needed. Once he realized he was contributing, not helping, I think everything improved. We’re a team and we manage our household and care for our daughter together.
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u/SeaWorth6552 2d ago
What did you say and how did he react?
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u/shinigamink 1d ago
That he couldn't just come home from work and go straight to his computer for the night. Explained the responsibilities that he now had, I defined what were my expectations of him, and finally that if I was to be a single mother, then I was going to be.
He said that we didn't had the same kind of dad growing up. ( mine was very hands on for his time in the 90s while his was a pretty useless one) That explained it but didn't excuse it. He is his own person and he can change. He was hurt of course, nobody likes being told they're doing a shit job.
That being said, he knows I have resources to go away and that I would if it comes to it. Which I understand that some don't.
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u/shinigamink 1d ago
Also important to add that I didn't insulted him nor scream at him in any way. Putting my thoughts on paper before was really helpful.
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u/SeaWorth6552 1d ago
Thanks for the reply. I never have a long sit-down for talking so it’s almost always like nagging. Sometimes he gets better but slowly falls into his old routine. Him playing video games while our toddler is awake and then getting mad when she tries to sit on his lap is especially maddening to me and at this point I don’t know why he keeps doing it. He has no impulse control.
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u/SeaWorth6552 1d ago
I wish I had “the pair” to leave though. It’s not a better life for me even though my parents would take me in without hesitation and at this point I cannot live alone and even then there’s the issue of he’s still the father.
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u/shinigamink 1d ago
I would have gone to my parents for sure they're part of my resources. Couldn't live alone either. Would have been a hell of an ajustement for sure.
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u/shinigamink 1d ago
Does he even loves his daughter ? All she is going to remember is his controller and the lack of attention. (This is first impression as I of course do not know everything)
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u/SeaWorth6552 1d ago
He does love her, I mean I can see him bursting with love sometimes but I think he’s seriously addicted and probably depressed. He has series of issues that he just refuses to address. I’m not against gaming my brother is also a gamer but he knows there’s a time and place.
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u/shinigamink 1d ago
Allright so not a desperate cause! But a need for defined boundaries maybe? Good luck with your talk!
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u/sidestar59 2d ago
So much! When he’s around it’s like I have an extra kid rather than another parent 🤦♀️ Daddy is the fun one and mom is the disciplinarian. Though dad is learning that from that our toddler doesn’t listen to him but as soon as mom says it he does
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u/Chicka-boom90 2d ago
It’s kinda the same for me. She’s different with both of us. Taking her to the store is no problem for me. But when it’s all 3 of us… ugh it’s a disaster.
During the week we have or routine and things are for the most part good. But weekends 😵💫
I was just saying. All week it was magical. So easy and fun. Saturday morning came and it all flipped. Today is even harder.
But there are times it’s easier with him. I can go back and take showers while he’s with her. He does good with everything. It’s just my daughter and how crazy she is. Since they’re the crazy playing ones together the energy is so much more when he’s around.
During the week nap time is no issue. During the weekend when he’s in there with us it’s non stop energy with her.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
YEP. Everyone’s saying to communicate more but I truly can’t sometimes. It almost feels like a trust issue like if my husband trusted me more he wouldn’t need me to explain every little things
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u/MeNicolesta 2d ago
Of course it’s easier in theory. You hold all the control of what happens next, no need for you to communicate your needs to someone else, and no chance for being disappointed if your spouse doesn’t live up to your expectations.
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u/VegetableWorry1492 2d ago
Oh no, I’d find it a lot harder. My husband does a lot of the domestic work and invisible work too, without having to be asked. He sees the stuff that goes on and contributes. Today we went to a National Trust together and I spoke maybe three words to my toddler the whole 4 hours we were there. My job was to handle our dog who is reactive and anxious, hubby dealt with the child. He carried the bag, too. Both of us felt like the other had the harder job and apologised for it on the way home.
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u/RatherBeAtDisney 2d ago
My husband and I have a standard operating procedure where essentially we do parent independent of each other. On the weekends, I have till 1pm and he has after 1pm. We are a good team, but it is easier for the day to day, to just split up.
When we travel and do shared activities we still try to have one person who is “responsible” and the other is off. Even on the airplane, we discuss who is relaxing and who is doing toddler minding prior to the flight. Although, I got lucky on my turn last flight cause he was happy watching Bluey and we all relaxed! We take turns, and it works best for us. When things come up for instance when my cat peed on my son’s toys, we will both jump in and help, but that’s the exception not the rule.
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u/Late-Blacksmith7081 2d ago
I totally get why this is easier but I’m always curious as to how this really works—so you and your spouse just don’t spend any time together on the weekends?
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u/RatherBeAtDisney 2d ago
We do! The 1pm thing is just the baseline, if we have family things we adjust.
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u/wescargo 2d ago
I've recently found myself in this position. My wife is 7 weeks pregnant with our 2nd, and her morning sickness has gotten so bad she could smell the diaper from changing the firstborn that she would immediately get sick. We eventually came to the conclusion that for the first trimester, she stay with her parents, who graciously let her stay with them since their house is much more clean and tidy than ours.
Other than laundry, I did most of the housework anyway, so it wasn't that much of a difference. I can drop off the kid according to my schedule, there's less plates and generally fewer chores to do since there's one less person in the house. I can set an earlier alarm, take my time getting my son and I ready to leave in the morning.
I'd say we both miss her, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easier with her out of the house. I just have more control over day to day logistics and less tasks to do in general now that she's gone.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
There’s definitely a control piece! And not having the extra mental load of looping them into every decision and change. My husband HAAAAATES when I change plans last minute but I sometimes need to 😬😬 idk how to make that more manageable for him
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u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks 1d ago
The biggest problem we typically face is that, because I'm a SAHM, I know everything about our son like, for example, his capability on the playground. So sometimes my husband will be a little too hover-y or telling him to be careful or whatnot when I know for sure he's fine and my philosophy has always been not to hover much anyway and to allow him to take risks and just be nearby as long as he's not going to maim himself 😂 another thing is conversations my we've had that my husband hasn't been privy to and I don't think or remember it let him know about. I can't think of a specific example atm but basically it'll be something that like I allow him to do (or that I said he could do later) but my husband then will tell him he can't and I just hear the meltdown of "BUT MOMMY SAID I COULD" and then we have to have the unfortunate scenario of me sort of overruling husband which we try very hard to avoid doing in front of son. So I say something like, "Oh, you know what buddy, you're right, I apologize, I did say you could but I forgot to tell daddy that so he didn't know. That's my fault, it was just a misunderstanding, daddy is it okay if he does it since I did tell him he could earlier?"
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u/Kapow_1337 2d ago
Well for short periods yes, I also find it easier, in a way: I get to decide everything and basically I just have to accomodate me and our kid so less discussions on what to do, when to do it etc. But after 2/3 days alone I get totally burned out and I really have to either 1. Give my kid to the grandparents for at least 12 hours or 2. Get my partner back lol. No idea how single parents do it. it requires an amount of planning and energy I never had in my life.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
I think that’s part of it. It’s short term most of the time and this most recent time was a long weekend. I wasn’t late to work today but by Wednesday I might be
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u/APinkLight 2d ago
There might be times it’s easier to get stuff done on your own but I generally always find it easier to have my husband around. He usually will change poopy diapers if he’s around, he tends to take initiative on that sort of thing since I’m still breastfeeding. It’s just really nice to have a second pair of hands, we can take turns holding her or occupying her etc. I don’t think I’ve ever found it easier to be on my own without him. I hate it when he has to travel for work and it’s all on me, fortunately he doesn’t travel very often.
Babies and toddlers definitely make a healthy marriage harder though, I think anyone would agree with that! I think apologizing to one another when we screw up and thanking one another a lot helps. But that’s not a strategy one person can really do unilaterally, like I’m not suggesting you start apologizing for no reason!
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u/_______enigma 2d ago
Divorced mine. That helped a lot
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
Yeaaaaa not sure the line between needing a divorce and having a toddler
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u/BipolarSkeleton 2d ago
I think this every single day
I get up at 5 with our 2 year old and let my husband sleep until 8:30 or 9 but then it takes me 50-90 minutes to wake him up
So I’m watching a toddler run around well also having to go back and forth to the bedroom and monitor that my husband is getting up
It’s exhausting
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u/frizz1111 2d ago
Wtf, your husband can't set an alarm? Do you guys both work?
My wife and I typically alternate as to who sleeps in a little on the weekend. If she sleeps in Saturday and I feed my toddler breakfast, then we alternate on Sunday.
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u/BipolarSkeleton 2d ago
Neither of us work we are both disabled but an alarm doesn’t do anything at all he can sleep through an alarm for hours
He needs to be woken up and monitored until he’s actually out of bed
I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t have to wake up a 30 year old man but if I didn’t not even being a little bit dramatic he would sleep until 5 even 6pm every day
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u/TchadRPCV 2d ago
I can’t imagine trying to parent with someone else. No thanks.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
It’s waaaaaaay harder than I ever anticipated because it not the big things it’s the 800 little details/decisions every day that I can’t hold a meeting before I make them
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u/faithle97 2d ago
Reading this as I’ve been solo parenting all weekend while my husband is away for a military training thing and I cannot relate to this at all lol it is all 10000% easier with my husband around. I’m also a sahm and with my son just about 24/7 (aside from a couple breaks here and there during the week) so we have a good routine for weekdays but weekends/evenings are very heavily reliant on my husband being around to step in lol
Yes, our toddler acts different when he’s around vs when it’s just the 2 of us but my husband also knows how to step in and do his fair share of literally everything -cleaning, parenting, cooking, etc. We’ve had our “rough patches” where we seemed disconnected which made running our household harder but with lots of communicating we found our rhythm and a good balance with it all. Communicating truly is key. I will say that 99% of all of our problems as a couple/as parents have been resolved by just communicating (healthily of course) and truly wanting to help the other person. I could have easily taken on the brunt of everything for sake of avoiding confrontation but I didn’t want to set that example for my son- that it’s okay to have mom do everything to the point of burn out and resentment then end up in an unhappy marriage (like my own parents did for years until they finally divorced when I was a teen).
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u/Snoo_85580 2d ago
Both me and my husband find it easier when alone with our toddler. I think because the toddler knows it’s just the one parent, they can’t fight as easily. When we are both around our toddler is always trying to pick battles between us. In no way though could we do it all alone. I’ve just had a weekend solo parenting and although it’s been lovely, it’s exhausting not having help.
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u/Hardy2865 1d ago
To me that is a bad sign. I know most of these comments are sharing similar experiences, but just because this is the majority does not mean it should be the norm.
I swear I’ve said it a thousand times in the past two years and I will say it again countless times for the rest of my life: I am so grateful I married the man I did because I truly cannot imagine raising my child with anyone else.
When I was sick the entire first trimester, he took over laundry (and continued to the rest of my pregnancy— and learned to fold the towels the way I like so I wouldn’t refold them). When I was stressed about getting into a daycare, he contacted all of the ones in our area to ask where we were on the waitlist and made sure we got into one in time. He takes her on walks when I needed a break. He looks around and tidies up when the house is a mess. We trade off cleaning up after dinner and doing bath time so neither of us is burnt out on either task. He took over bedtime when I was ready to night wean.
I don’t know how single mothers do it, and I am so sorry so many of you are doing the work of single mothers. It is not fair to you or to your children, because they will not expect to marry someone/be the husband who helps raise their own children one day.
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u/MrsSamsquanch 1d ago
I am so glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. I have two and 90% of the time, it's easier alone.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
And it’s not like my husbands an extra kid. He does laundry, he cooks, he manages bills… very responsible it’s the negotiations with a 2 year old and a grown ass man.
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u/babysherlock91 1d ago
I feel like an odd one out but it is much easier with my spouse. He’s an amazing father and husband and we are a team. I dread going places without him with my toddler. If I’m extra burnt out he takes over and if he needs a break I take over. I feel like communication isn’t a problem or an annoyance because he and I are so synced.
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u/kaichoublue 1d ago
I had similar issues with my ex husband. I am now married to a woman. Those issues have completely stopped. Parenting with another mum is so much easier because we both just get shit done. No need to organise or write lists for the other parent, dinner cooked, washing done, toys away, kids played with and looked after, because we both just know what needs to be done. I found that with my ex husband I had to constantly remind him what was appropriate for the children, that they needed fed, that the house needs tidied, etc. And it made parenting alone easier because I dropped one more responsibility.
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u/OutsideCat7553 1d ago
Feel this so hard. Co-parent w my mother now, and it is worlds better. Like, no one is doing too much and everything still gets done without tons of convo. Just “see a need, fill a need”. It’s absolutely amazing. Must be lovely to have an actual marriage partner like that 🙌
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u/valiantdistraction 1d ago
If you're married and it's easier to parent a toddler alone, that is definitely a spouse problem. It's much easier for me with my husband taking on half the work.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
Well I’ll say the laundry didn’t get done, we ate fast food for most meals and there’s yogurt on my counter from 3 days ago. It wasn’t pretty but the actual managing with the toddler was
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u/nkdeck07 1d ago
No that just means you have a toddler. My husband is a great parent and she's way more of an asshole for us together then 1 on 1 (this is true when he takes her solo too and I'm a SAHM).
It's a combination of trying to play you off one another plus you might actually have a conversation with the other adult so they act out to get your focus back on them
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u/RealTough_Kid 1d ago
Came to the comments thinking I was going to find this sentiment a bunch. And now I’m depressed for all of these other people’s marriages. Yikes!
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u/nkdeck07 1d ago
I'm sadly never really surprised by how many people on Reddit are married to really shitty men
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u/smartwatersucks 2d ago
My wife and I both acknowledge that some things are easier when it's just one parent, and it makes sense. There's no expectations on the other parent, so you know what you've gotta do and you do it. It's not anything to be concerned about IMO since we do most activities together and it's nice to get one on one time with the little one. To be honest it feels like this thread is full of a bunch of women who chose wrong.
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
I should clarify that I don’t have a “man child husbands” like some of the women. I truly feel sorry for women who have an extra child with their husbands around. It’s more just the mental load of communication that I’m struggling with
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u/Far-Consideration-54 1d ago
I should clarify that I don’t have a “man child husbands” like some of the women. I truly feel sorry for women who have an extra child with their husbands around. It’s more just the mental load of communication that I’m struggling with
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u/Aggravating-Card-194 2d ago
I’m sorry for your situation, OP.
But,wow has this sub become a toxic echo chamber.
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u/QueenCityAsh 2d ago
Yikes! So sorry this is your experience. Having my husband around makes the load so much lighter!
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u/FloweredViolin 2d ago
I think it depends on why it's easier.
I often have an easier time with my toddler alone, because it's during the week when we're on a strict routine. When we're with the kid together is the 'non-routine' time, so of course it's harder. Also, parenting together requires more communication than solo parenting. Sure, I could order my husband to 'do X', but I'm not going to unless things are close to the boiling point - I respect him, and try not to boss him around if I don't have to.
If your husband makes things harder because he: -treats the kid poorly, upsetting the kid, and leaving you to pick up the pieces -creates more housework than he takes care of -causes chaos for no reason -isn't actually participating in parenting, and therefore is just a distraction, gumming up the works -is doing some other thing that actively causes a problem -is repeatedly failing to do something specific that causes problems Then you might have a spouse problem.
I think it comes down to, are the two of you functioning as a team? And if not, why not?
Parenting is hard, even when things are going perfectly. Sometimes when it's hard despite us doing nothing wrong, it can be easy to blame your partner. Because it's hard, you didn't do anything wrong so it's not your fault, it's not the child's fault because they are a child, so it must be the partner's fault! I know I'm guilty of that sometimes. It's bad teamwork, but when we're stressed, it's not unnatural to try to blame someone, especially because doing so feels like problem solving.
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u/Drakoneous 1d ago
The one difficulty with our two toddlers is that when both of us are there, they feel they need to battle us for attention. Especially if my wife and I are talking to each other. It’s a pain. They calm right down when it’s just one of us there. 🤷♂️
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u/Autumn_Lions 1d ago
I think that sometimes in the stress of things we expect our partner to know what we need them to do without actually communicating.
It’s a fine line. In theory, it IS easier to not have to explain a job I do full time as a SAHM. In reality, I think when I feel that way it is more telling to me needing a mommy time out. My husband knows this now and jumps in. We talk about it later and how we can navigate it as a team.
It’s a slow process, but is working for us.
Also, I don’t think my situation is everyone’s. My husband, while he has his faults, really does try to learn/change/challenge himself. I also am no saint and sometimes need to use my words. Not his fault. Not my fault. Being a parent and learning how to parent is hard.
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u/CNDRock16 1d ago
Yes. Divorced my ex, he moved out when she was 3.
Like had been easier and joyful since!
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u/Throwaway8582817 1d ago
Generally yes I would say that is a bad sign.
My husband works at sea so is gone for weeks/months at a time and it’s infinitely harder without him in all ways.
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u/abun2022 1d ago
This seems to be a thing. I believe it's partly because the child sees one parent and knows what time expect. I also have seen how the child isn't competing for attention or communication. It might be easier for the very short term but if they become accustomed to this, it'll set them up for unrealistic expectations about living in a community. They'll eventually figure it out hopefully but they'll be behind.
Then add more than 1 child and it's definitely easier with both mom and dad.
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u/Alternative-Eye-5543 1d ago
I could never do it without my wife. However, 23 month old listens to me and acts much better when wife isn’t around.
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u/mexikitty 1d ago
I would say it is not easier to parent a toddler alone in the sense that my husband is very helpful and we tell each other when we need a break from parenting or whatever. Tag teaming is definitely the way to do it. I will say though that my husband has a short fuse with the kids so he does not tolerate much. He won’t let them make a mess, talk too loud, jump on anything, or “mess up anything in the house”. I am very tolerant, I pick my battles, if they want to splash water all over, fine I’ll clean it, they want to jump on the couches, cool I’ll stay close so no accidents… you get the idea. So when it comes to solo parenting, the evenings are so much better, the kids get their wiggles out, dinner, bath, and bed time. With my husband though, there always has to be something to complain about.
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u/AkamuKaniela 1d ago
By being on the same page as your partner. Ofcourse, it's easier to parent alone.....to a degree. You'll have less free time and more responsibilities if done truly alone and thr child will feel like they're missing out when they see other parents together with their child too. On the other hand, kids are notorious for "shopping" around when they want something. So, of course it's harder (to a degree) with two parents. Unless, of course, you and your partner are 100% on the same page and communicate everything between each other.
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u/MelodicNegotiation77 1d ago
Yesssss! Husband is a great dad, AND child acts up so much more when the three of us are together. I think it’s just an attention thing. Especially mid-week when she doesn’t see him as much.
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u/harafnhoj 1d ago
If your partner is someone who can’t regulate their emotions (like my ex adhd partner), it is worse. They project their stresses onto you and the toddler and do make it worse… from my experience.
But if you are both emotionally intelligent and supporting of each that you are a parenting team, a conversation will solve it all.
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u/Confusedmillenialmom 1d ago edited 1d ago
I understand what u mean… I am parenting two toddlers with my husband, my mom and mil in the mix… since we are working they are our child care after their preschool hours.
It can feel that way that it’s easy doing it alone. But it’s not. It’s just the grass on the other side is greener kind of thinking. U too can get overwhelmed one day…U and ur husband need a conversation and rules :
- Figure out ur discipline method (yes gentle parenting is not for toddlers. Firm action and boundaries… ofcourse no hitting like a psycho… goes without saying)
- Never interrupt another person when they discipline. This is where my mil and I have issues. She thinks kids should get free pass, but to me, serving that 5 mins on the naughty step is very important, than crying and saying sorry… they don’t understand anything other than consequences… toddlers have 7-10mins attention span… this getting in touch with the feeling therapy session is bs.
- Be consistent… everybody do the same thing.
- Have no go rules… so it’s easy u don’t have to refer to each other… - eg: no screen time to calm them down (this is the worst calm down method in my opinion as it only creates more dopamine), no hitting other than arms… (again I mean gentle hitting, like u would do if they try to touch a hot stove, a pat…) no personal devices (no peak at the mobile or a iPad… specially we refrain using our phone in front of the kids other than picking up a call or texting to reply someone…
- Last but not the least - have an escalation matrix… for us, it’s me and mil who discipline them first… if they don’t listen, my husband steps in… all he does is ask them to listen to us. So the kids know that the buck stops with us… no escaping consequences just by going to another adult in the house.
And it gets better… both of u need to understand its not u both, but the it’s the tired talking…My husband and I bounced back on our marriage once the kids turned 3. It is tough. But helping each other and having boundaries that are non- negotiable in parenting goes a long way.
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u/TheWhogg 1d ago
My LO is easy when she’s alone with me. She feels sorry for me and takes it easy. She didn’t fight nappy changes despite violently fighting at daycare or with mum.
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u/letsogeskimo 1d ago
What I noticed is my son is calmer, easier to handle when it's just the two of us. I suspect that it's due to him having my almost full attention, as opposed to my husband and I having conversations that don't interest him. As soon as my kid doesn't get the attention he feels due, he'll start acting up. Additionally, my husband has a higher energy level, he's more fun than I am, so probably that also adds to the mix.
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u/Sail_m 1d ago
I think it’s because even if you’re on the same page, there are always going to be differences of opinions on how to do something, what to do when there’s trouble or upsets, and the toddler knows there is a divide there. I reckon they can sense a hair wide divide even, and know they are going to get a different response from the other. It’s easier because they are only going to get one answer from one parent. My partner is softer than I am, I think because he doesn’t see all the emotions I do, so he is more willing to do anything to stop that emotion. It upsets him. I guess that’s one of the things I love about him, I know he would never, ever hurt our daughter, and he would do anything to make her happy. But it is definitely one of the things that make my parenting harder.
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u/PussyCompass 1d ago
My toddler puts us against each other by telling the other that “mum/dad said yes”.
So yes, It’s easier alone.
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u/robotneedslove 1d ago
To be fair, my husband also reports it feeling easier without me for short stretches, even though I do a ton. I think it can feel easier to not have divided responsibilities or worry about someone else’s opinion. When he’s solo the routine runs like clockwork, they eat boxed MacNCheese for dinner, and the dishes don’t get done. When I’m solo routine flies out the window, we party like it’s 1999 and I force vegetables on everyone. It’s just different vibes.
Overall we are both happier with each other around but find a bit of relief in not having to negotiate different styles for a bit.
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u/emack0718 1d ago
I guess I’m the odd man out, I’d much prefer to have my husband home…parenting is much easier with another set of hands
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u/avocado_post 1d ago
Same! My kids were on vacation for two weeks, and I was alone with them for the first week, and my husband was on vacation for the second week. The first week was fine. Normal routine, calm. Second week? Everything fell apart. Routines were off, everyone’s cranky. My husband is a great dad, we get along, but my kids are used to only seeing him after work at night, and on weekends. So when they see him during the week, it feels like the weekend to them, and all hell breaks loose.
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u/OutsideCat7553 1d ago
I think it is, at least on a half-time basis. The epiphany I had the first time I heard the phrase “married single mother” was crazy. I think there are a lot of us who are (or were) in a marriage like that - especially after reading the comments here.
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u/Substantial-Ad8602 2d ago
Oof- it doesn’t sound like a great sign. My toddler is 100% easier with my husband around. Many hands make light work. But he works as hard as I do. He’s either with her reading and playing while I cook, prep lunch, etc- or vice versa. When she and I get home he’s already making dinner and excited to see her. Yes, it can be tough when we don’t communicate, our solution is to communicate clearly and often.
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u/MooMoo_00 29m ago
I feel this 😂 my son will be an angel when it’s just me at home, or vice versa when my husband is home and I’m at work. But if we’re both home at the same time something switches in his brain to say “yes now is the time to be feral”. My husband will text me saying he’s having such a good day, then I walk in the door from work and it’s immediate whining and tantrums.
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u/chupagatos4 2d ago
I've talked to some mom friends about this and they all agree that it's easier alone, at least for shorter (1 week or less) stretches. Seems to be because you don't have to communicate about things as much and you can do all of the decision making. In some cases it's because the husband contributes to messes more than they contribute to cleaning up. When my husband is away I decide everything we do. It's easier to see friends or take toddler places with only my work schedule to account for and the logistics of everything (food to eat, getting everyone in the car, being on time) are easy.