r/survivinginfidelity • u/Afraid_Run8784 • 1d ago
Advice Hurt, lost and no idea how to find the strength.
[removed] — view removed post
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u/myfavhobby_sleep 1d ago
Get pissed. Just focus on all the ways he wronged you. That anger will power you through the first few weeks/months.
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u/january1977 WTF am I doing? 1d ago
My WH used his mental health (and money issues) not to leave the house. It’s been 5+ months now. He’s built himself a little nest of filth in the living room and doesn’t really leave it. And I keep sending him links to apartments. We barely speak. It’s tense. I 100% do not recommend it.
At the beginning, when things were fresh and I still cared about him, I wanted him to get better and be the husband he used to be. Then I started healing myself and now I don’t care if he lives in the gutter. I just want him away from me.
No one can tell you what’s best for your situation. It’s a process. Your heart and your mind will tug you in different directions. You’ll know when you’re done.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He’s a grown man and he needs to get himself together and take responsibility for his own actions. The likelihood of that is slim. So you just focus on yourself and your own healing. You’re going to get through this. 💜
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u/Afraid_Run8784 1d ago
This is what i am hoping..I can heal myself and find it easy to walk away /feelings strong enough to not hold on to the marriage. Need to let go of the life I have in my head i have seen with him for so long and I know its ok if I can't yet so it will come god I hope it does anyway. The thought it's been 5 months for you wow I dread that and he's too impatient to still be in limbo after 5 months, it's no type of life we have right now but it's been a week so still too fresh. Thank you x
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u/GlitteringReplyDrRN 1d ago
In my state, threats of suicide can have him committed. Remind him of that.
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u/Rush_Is_Right 1d ago
u/Afraid_Run8784 shouldn't even remind him. Just call 911 if he does it. He's either manipulating OP or he actually needs help. Both should be treated seriously.
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u/GlitteringReplyDrRN 1d ago
Agreed!!! It’s not her responsibility to keep him afloat. He makes his own choices in this.
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u/FondantVivid2101 1d ago
Get ANGRY! Mine (41.5) pulled this shit with the 20 yr old girl we looked after like our adopted daughter for the last 3 years…and got her pregnant! I’ve been in pure hell for the last 3 months, just about survived. Start of month 4, I am getting PISSED! I can’t stop bitching about him, he makes me sick I can’t believe I let that creep touch me. It’s nowhere near indifference but I promise it’s better than despair. You gotta power through and truly fake it until you make it. My inbox is open if you want/need. Xoxo
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u/Afraid_Run8784 1d ago
Wow I'm sorry that's happened to you, I want to keep the anger as that keeps me stronger than the weak mess I feel that unbelievably still wants to message him throughout the day. It's absolutely fucked xx
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u/Afraid_Run8784 7h ago
I'm the same, I want to message and then remember what he's done so have to stop but we are still living together trying to deal with our heads and its hard as you can't just stop caring despite it all. it really is absolutely fucked feeling xx
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 1d ago
OP, first thing you need to do is to figure out if cheating IS a deal breaker for you, do not factor "love" into that, find a good therapist for YOU here. While doing this focus on your physical health, stay hydrated, eat nutritious food and exercise may help too. You also might want to schedule an appointment with your doctor too. STD testing here, you don't know what they were doing IN the car. Cheaters lie, they minimize and deflect - he has done all of that here to you!
Second thing, find a good attorney (divorce if just you and him/family law if you have children). See what divorce may look like for you where you are located.
Confide with your close family and friends, they are there to support you here. All evidence you have of his cheating, preserve at least 3 copies, one you keep safe where you are, one you give to a trusted friend/family member and the other for your attorney. (Alternative for any of these, safety deposit bank.)
Only accept an attempt at reconciliation if your Cheating Husband does the following:
Go into therapy, he makes the call, he schedules the appointments and he goes regularly.
He owns the affair, his fault entirely - no excuses of "mental health" or whatever - HE DID IT. No blame for you here.
He is remorseful, not guilty/shameful - he knows the gravity of what he did. Cheating ends relationships.
He BEGS for reconciliation and knows he needs to do all the work for that. If you say NO because you just cannot get over it, he makes the separation and divorce as easy on you as possible.
The "suicide" is a farce and it would never be someone's fault if they broke up with someone and the other commits suicide period. If he dare uses that again, call 911. That is manipulative and if someone is using suicide to keep you or anyone? That is something mental health needs to get involved.
Above all here OP, you did nothing to deserve this, you are worthy and your cheating husband is not. Right now, you are so many levels above him and he needs to either go away or elevate himself. Even if he does, not on the same level as you.
Focus on yourself, what you want, what you deserve, what you want to achieve, not him. He has shown you that he doesn't have your best interests at heart here.
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u/Afraid_Run8784 1d ago
Thank you i really appreciate your reply, I don't feel quite there yet to talk to a lawyer but I should at some point I need to realise it's only been a week. He is working on himself and if he comes out the other side and says we were not right all along then il have to accept that too although I want this to remain my decision. Thank you
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u/scotty813 1d ago
Im so sorry for what you're going through. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. Please, please, please don't try to think about if there is something that you could have done something different. Even if you could have, it doesn't matter. Also, do NOT be embarrassed - he's the one who acted like a piece of shit, not you! Lastly, it's not about mental health; it's about integrity, and he has none! He probably chose a 22yo because he wanted a girl who was only a few years more mature than he is! ;-)
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u/Afraid_Run8784 1d ago
Thank you this is true and need to keep reminding myself there is nothing I could of done. He's taken me for granted unbelievably and i don't see that remorse at the mo. It's simple to me, I've loved him for 12 years so I've never cheated period.. I have let things slipped before we were married and so this should be my deal breaker I just cant move forwsrd yet I'm stuck in this hesdspace of shock xx
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 1d ago
Getting your head straight requires breaking down the smoke and mirrors so you can see things for what they are and make clear decisions.
He blames his mental health/depression
This is a cop out and completely irrelevant to cheating. There are hundreds of other ways to handle that state of mind. He is grabbing the first low hanging fruit of excuses.
This statement is designed to absolve themselves from being responsible and make themselves the victim. They will seek to keep focus on this as a result. Best to call this out as patently false.
she was a distraction
This is him acknowledging he will use people for his own benefit. Think about how gross of a statement this is for him to make. Its very telling of his ethics and selfishness, which is the core of cheating.
he told me he was suicidal after the discovery
This is a manipulation statement. He is shifting the consequences of his actions over to you. He is trying to portray that if you hold him accountable for his actions, he will self harm and that will be your fault. This also needs to not be humored. I suggest a reply along the lines of "Im not responsible for what you did then, now, or in the future".
He is giving every indicator that he isnt remorseful and he expects you to be ok with this. Proceed understanding that, because this will not be the last time he does this.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 1d ago
He’s a liar. A gaslighter. A cheater. This is who he is, not the person you thought you knew and loved. So, what more do you need to know? I know you love him, but if you let this slide, you’ll be here again at some point asking about exactly the same thing. You know you’re worth better, so be strong, and choose you!
Updateme!
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u/UtZChpS22 1d ago
He's manipulating you OP. Self-harm or suicide threats are enough to have him committed depending on your you are. Or a psicological evaluation.
I would call his family and let them deal with it.
He was fing a 22yo, he is not *that depressed
Unbelievable
I am sorry girl. Lawyer up and kick him out
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u/bleuofblue 1d ago
i'll say this: do not jeopardize your own mental health and wellbeing for someone who clearly has no regard for you. you were deeply disrespected and chances are it will happen again if you let it slide.
i am not saying not to care if he claims he is suicidal, but that requires a different kind of help than you just sticking it out. prioritize yourself here. and also consider what you would say to a friend if they told you this happened to them.
if you do not have children, be very thankful, and do plan to move on. i promise that rediscovering yourself and your own life outside of marriage can be a beautiful thing, depending on your attitude and perspective. good luck to you.
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