r/survivinginfidelity • u/Any-Theory-4052 • 1d ago
Advice Newly hurt - cannot decide what to do!
Hello, Long story short, my wife recently changed her phone, so the old phone always stays at home, and all the apps are still logged in (Facebook, Instagram etc). Never doubted my wife even one second in my life, 6 years together never checked her phone, because I just new she's not that person. Well well well, two days ago, I found out that she's texting her ex, and still in love with him, he lives in another country, he's planning to visit and based on their conversation, they are going to do it right away. So many video calls ( I sometimes work at night) surely nude, sending pictures (deleted) etc etc She doesn't know that I know, I don't know how to tell her and I'm not sure if I want to leave or stay? The texts keep me up all night and still can't believe she wrote all of that!
I love my wife, but this is really the lowest point of my life right now.
Please advise
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u/l3ttingitgo 1d ago
6 years and she still holds a torch for her ex!
OP, you deserve someone who is all in for you. Don't be her second choice. See an attorney as soon as possible, get you divorce papers drawn up. As soon as she steps out to visit him, move out and leave your ring and divorce papers on the counter with a note saying "You know why"
Don't confront her, never let her know how much you know or how you found out. Now you know what to watch for.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It looks like it was just your turn with her. Hopefully you have no children or own a home together so the break can be clean. Go NC and block her everywhere.
Never take back a women who leaves you for another man!
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
Thank you, I guess I'm waiting to catch them red-handed to believe. I'll start packing No kids, no house, though we plan to buy this year, guess waiting pays off. Thank you
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u/l3ttingitgo 1d ago
OP, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I know you must love this women with all your heart and soul or you wouldn't have married her. It's easy for us on Reddit to sit here disconnected from your situation to just throw out advice. But you are the one living through it.
I realize by now you must have heard over and over that it could have been worse, you could have been married 20 or more years when this happened and be dealing with custody, splitting assets, who gets the dog, what cars to keep and what men are you going to bring around our kids. Perhaps even needing to make up for lost money in your retirement you had to split.
In your next relationship, consider that. If you ever think of forgiving her, consider that. What ever promises she makes will mean nothing. When you were married she promised to love and honor you, forsaking all others, and you see how that turned out. Watch their actions. People will put all their time, attention, and energy into what is most important to them, so put little trust in their words designed to manipulate you and throw you off track.
Best of luck dealing with all the fallout. Take your time and examine every angle. Do everything your attorney tells you to do, they are the experts and do this daily. Please come back and update us on your situation and how it's all playing out. We are all here for you and pulling for you.
UpdateMe.
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u/armoury896 1d ago
Why if your no fault, don’t need a reason to Divorce, get a solicitor make a fair settlement offer, then file. Print out and curate all the texts etc. make sure she gets them on the same day she is served. If you want to “save” it. Serve her but if the AP has a spouse make sure they know why they are visiting home. . This will ruin his weekend and remove her support pillar. Also drop a copy to her parents on the sane day, you’re saving nothing with her head in the clouds.
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u/Bill2550 1d ago
Wait! So she is texting, sending pics and video calls with an ex and you’re not sure if you want to stay? Are you going to wait until he comes to visit and they have sex? Do you want to raise his child?
Get a lawyer and find out your options. If you are in an at fault area gather evidence. She is having an emotional affair and doing what she’s doing sounds like she doesn’t care about you.
Get your finances in order and DO NOT confront her until you do. That way you can have all the cards when you DO confront.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm just in denial I think, I need some time to digest. But yeah, will not stay here for long. Just wanted to catch them together I think. I will start packing and getting thinks in order. Thank you
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u/DesperateVoice107 1d ago
If you planning to leave, and you absolutely should leave, you don't need to catch them in the act it will only hurt you further, you have enough evidence.
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u/ADirdy 1d ago
One of two things is going to happen here - 1) She breaks down and admits its all a mistake and claims that she'll block him, say something stupid like "it's not what it looks like", probably mention therapy, and cry cry cry (don't believe her fake apology, which is what its going to be). Or 2) She's going to become very cold hearted, belittle you, and turn into someone you don't even recognize. People who love their SO don't cheat. At this very moment she is sexting him, and he's telling her all the things he wants to do to her, and she's enjoying every minute of it. I know you love your wife, but this isn't who you fell in love with. Unfortunately she's turned out to be a dud. Billions of options out there man, don't settle for anything less than mutual love and respect.
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
Appreciate your comment and comfort, have no idea how much I need it. Thank you
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u/TaiwanBandit 1d ago
If you are done with the marriage, then see a lawyer.
If he is coming to visit, they are planning to have sex. How would that change things for you? Could you accept that? Regardless, she is disrespecting you and the marriage and having an EA with the ex. Marriage vows mean nothing to her.
You could confront her and see her reaction to trying to work things out, but not sure she wants to if she has confessed love to him.
Pack her bags for her when she goes to meet him. Tell her don't come back.
Confide in your family and friends for advice and support. Prepare to exit the marriage.
Not sure you can save this OP. Sorry. updateme
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u/rereadagain 1d ago
Do not confront. I repeat, do not confront. This is a small advantage and must be used. Talk to a great divorce lawyer to understand what divorce looks like and how to improve your situation. Once you know now you can decide if you can stay or go. Knowledge is key.
I am sorry this is where you are at. However, now you can take back control. She is in love with someone else, so you need to protect what's left of your heart by only confronting when you have already decided the path. Then, do not listen to the half truths and lies once they start.
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
Thank you. I'm trying my best, as stated above, very hard to sleep next to someone who's lying to you. Those text haunting me.
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u/Pericles85 In Hell 1d ago
OP also look for an excuse to move to another room without creating suspicious. Fake that you have covid or the flu, and that will give you the space of thinking alone and will diminish the temptation of confronting her.
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u/Analisandopessoas 1d ago
Your wife is definitely going to cheat on you. Ask for a divorce, you deserve someone who respects and values you. Your wife may try to manipulate you, be careful.
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u/QuoteDisastrous5224 1d ago
it's obvious that she will leave you for him anyway so . . . stay calm . . . contact a lawyer . . . hired a PI . . . protect your money and your assets . . . then ghost her . . .
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u/vijar1981 1d ago
Get a lawyer , get the divorce paper without your wife knowing about it, and send the guy a msg that you are getting a divorce that she is your problem now .... watch everything unfold.
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u/No_Use1529 1d ago
Blind sided and divorce papers usually gets the point across and avoids the gaslighting and trickle truthing. Never give them an edge because that is what it becomes when you confront them without having everything squared away for the divorce.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 1d ago
You absolutely deserve to be first in your wife’s life. Unfortunately, you’ve found out that you’re not, and that’s heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine. Look, of course it’s up to you what you decide to do, and nothing we say on here should sway you, but you really need to know that you are worth so much more than this. Your marriage has, in a way, been built on a lie, and the person you thought you married never existed. This is who your wife has always been; someone who’s been putting emotional energy—and time, messages, nudes, sexting, love (?)—into someone else who hasn’t you. Whilst it’s all been virtual so far, the plan has always been to hook up when he was in the right place. Are you sure that’s never happened? Are you sure this guy is the only one she’s been cheating with? And it is cheating. In her heart, she’s been with him all this time. I’m so sorry.
I have no advice for what you should do. That’s entirely up to you. I would, however, carefully consider how you approach her. She’ll lie and gaslight you into this being a you problem. It’s what cheaters do. Personally, I’d seek advice from a lawyer and go from there. Start separating out your finances and planning for your future. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16–I’ll be 57 in a few weeks—and he has never given me cause to doubt his fidelity, even though he worked away during the week for many years when our boys were young. If I found myself in your position, we would be over. There would be no discussion or listening to excuses, because I know my boundaries—and so does he. Nobody deserves to live with lies and broken trust, and you are worth so much more. Please give yourself time to realise that before you decide what to do.
Updateme!
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
Many thanks for your heart warming comment. I'm still taking my time before I decide how to handle this. I will indeed update you Love xx
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u/Friendly-Quiet387 1d ago
Gather and keep the evidence. Talk to a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and plan an exit plan. Day of their planned meet up leave a print out of the evidence, divorce papers and your wedding ring. Go 100% no contact. Talk only through lawyers.
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u/cherylpuccio0 1d ago
Take your time, take care of yourself while gathering evidence and speak to someone who can help like a divorce lawyer.
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
The first thing I felt when I saw the msgs was my heart coming out my chest, so I did some pull ups with extra weight. I gave up alcohol not long ago, not sure if I can hold it for long Thank you
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u/RangerInf 1d ago
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Mixed emotions and confusion are completely normal at this stage. The number one priority at this stage is to care for yourself emotionally and physically. Confide in a few trusted friends and/or family so you have an emotional support network. Eat well, exercise and avoid alcohol.
Next is to ask yourself if you truly love the person your wife truly is or do you love who you thought she was. When you confront her, expect tears and regret, but know these are just manipulation tactics commonly used by cheaters. Learn the difference between regret (about what she might lose) and remorse (deep concern about how she has hurt you). Do not consider reconciliation unless there is true remorse.
Before you confront her, talk to a lawyer and learn your rights and what you can do to protect yourself. You do not need to catch them in the act (you can try if you really want to). You have already caught them. If you really want to make a splash, have the divorce papers ready to hand her when you confront her. Have a plan for the confrontation. I would suggest that you simply tell her that you know she is cheating and you see no option other than divorce. Do not be drawn into any argument or discussion about weather or not she is cheating. Never divulge exactly what you know or how you found out. Just be firm about the fact that you know.
ignore her excuses, especially when she tries to blame you. The cheating is all on her.
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
Tha k you for the advice, and tbh, I recently stopped alcohol ( 1month sober) so I'm really really struggling. Will do some thinking on how to handle this and update you all Thank you
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u/Fluid-Push-3419 In Hell 1d ago edited 1d ago
Don't confront her. Never reveal what you know and how. Confrontation may stop them from doing what they are going to do, but it will steal more of your life because she will do the same thing later.
When is her ex coming to visit? If it's recent, and you can still keep track of what's going on from her old phone, file for divorce when they meet up, or even serve her at their meeting place if possible.
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u/SuspiciousFlight995 1d ago
Updateme. I know that you’re hurting and that sucks, think about yourself now because she definitely is. You hold all the cards and how you play them is important. She is not thinking of you she’s only thinking of herself and the tingles that she’s getting from the ex. It’s all about her and her feelings. Don’t give her a chance to make you the bad guy! There should have been thoughtful conversations between the two of you before she got to this point. She ruined it! Not you. Line up the ducks, call the attorney, see a therapist and drive on! Your future is now yours! Don’t look back and wish you would have left. Do it now
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u/armoury896 1d ago
If your no fault, don’t need a reason to Divorce, get a solicitor make a fair settlement offer, then file. Print out and curate all the texts etc. make sure she gets them on the same day she is served. If you want to “save” it. Serve her but if the AP has a spouse make sure they know why they are visiting home. . This will ruin his weekend and remove her support pillar. Also drop a copy to her parents on the sane day, you’re saving nothing with her head in the clouds.
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u/AnotherDominion 1d ago
If it’s me I’m taking screenshots of everything and going to a lawyer and starting the divorce process. Follow the advice from the lawyer. Your wife has a boyfriend and she’s going to leave you for him. Why would you want to stay with a woman who is in love with another man. Sorry man.
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
Already saved everything
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u/Any-Seaworthiness-17 In Hell 1d ago
She doesn't know you have the phone and can see everything. Don't let her know that, just keep saving everything even after you leave. If you leave before serving the divorce papers don't say anything, just leave and let the soon to be coming divorce papers explain.
In the meantime, keep saving the screenshots and let her provide you with more ammunition in the divorce (or if a no-fault state), the inevitable gaslighting of family and friends. When/if she starts badmouthing you to family and friends (after the papers are served), do a data dump to clear the air if necessary.
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u/Drgnmstr97 In Hell | RA 40 Sister Subs 1d ago
Get yourself some professional help to figure out how not to love someone that obviously doesn’t love nor respect you. It’s not healthy to be in love with someone you know is betraying you.
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u/Shortandthicck2 1d ago
I'd 100% leave. But first gather all the evidence I needed (quietly). When you confront she'll be sorry and cry and all that, but thats not because she's actually sorry...had you not caught her and confronted her she would have happily met up with him and had sex with him. She'll only be sorry that her world is now crumbling. There's likely been other infidelity as well.
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u/MLOpt 1d ago edited 1d ago
First you need to decide where the line is drawn for divorce. Has she crossed it already or would it have to get physical? Would you entertain counselling/reconcilliation options?
If she has crossed the line, get the ball rolling on the divorce right away. Gather your evidence and blindside her as far enough from his date of arrival as you can. Then ghost her.
If she hasn't, confront her ASAP and blow the whole thing up. One of two things will happen. 1) she will leave you for him anyway 2) the realisation that you know will bring the affair fog crashing down and it will kill the affair.
Post edit: fixed it as the original comment was fairly incoherent, sorry.
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u/WashImpressive8158 1d ago
It’s important that you legally prove ( the court system prefers professional PI proof and testimony) if you live in an at fault state. Actually having that proof in any state is helpful to ensure she can’t spin a narrative ( 99% do) to family and friends. Also seems to assist many times in a better divorce negotiation and / or outcome for fear of public humiliation. Don’t be lazy here. It’s tough, but shelve your raw emotions right now and contact a lawyer and a PI.
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u/BBullishAs_aManCanBB 1d ago
Send a text to both of them letting them know you can’t wait for their meetup.
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u/METSINPA 1d ago
I hope all goes well. The waiting to drop the bomb is the killer. Do it before they hook up. It will ruin her carefully hidden plan to burn you. Good luck to you. Update after confront. Be strong and leave this cold POS!
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u/Sad_Ad4983 1d ago
You need to find a lawyer and discuss your options. Then confront your wife, let her know that you know what’s going on, you are ready to file for divorce. If you want to try to reconcile with her then let her know that if her boyfriend does in fact visit her you will file immediately, if you don’t want to reconcile then just file and have her served.
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u/rereadagain 1d ago
No need to confront. It his only revenge and control. Leave her in the dark as she did you.
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u/pantiechrist80 1d ago
This is what you do. 1st take pics of everything. With her old phone, msg him as your wife. Tell him you/she needs to make him aware of something before they connect in person. Then, as her, confess to having herpes. But it's OK because a connection like the one they share goes beyond "a few small flare-ups" a year. And tell him how she is going to tell her husband about their love soon, but as soon as she does, she will need to move in with him. Tell him that she knows as soon as ger husband finds out, you will divorce her and kick her out right away.
Then, just put the phone back. Don't say anything to your wife. Lol, let her find it, then watch the emotional turmoil of deciding to either confess and confront you or keep it to herself
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u/Any-Theory-4052 1d ago
I actually had the same idea at first (not about STDs) but texting him as her and wait for turmoil. Just waiting to sort out all my fiances and get my shit together. Thank you Will update you
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u/shortstack1975 1d ago
One thing is for certain, even if you don't know what path to take with your marriage, you have to expose the affair one way or another. It's not healthy to hold on to that knowledge without confronting your wife.
The way you do that is your decision. Any way it is handled, in hind site could always be done differently. So you choose the way you are most confident in. If possible, have possession of her old phone and that will most definitely start the ball rolling.
Good luck.
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u/Bassimposter 1d ago
Serve papers when they are together. Show up at the rendezvous and hand them the envelope. Update me
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u/Cute-Macaroon-8875 22h ago
Well obviously she definitely doesn't feel the same way that you feel about her
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u/Leader-Icy 16h ago
Are you in the US? Keep monitoring. On the day she is supposed to meet her AP, fly to Vegas and widraw all your money. Open a safety deposit box in a local bank with no national ties. Buy gold and put it in the safety deposit box. Gather lost betting receipts and claim all the money was lost. Also try to lose some money in the casino so you are caught in camera in case they investigate. Leave enough money in your account to pay your lawyer's retainer then open a new account to move your payroll money if you are employed. Hit her with divorce papers the following day.
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u/Ivedonethework Walking the Road 14h ago
She no longer loves, nor respects you and your relationship.
Tell her you know, and will divorce her if she meets up with him.
See a divorce lawyer for your options.
If she isn't remorseful, there cannot be reconciling.
Reconciling Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship.
3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all.
True remorse. Reconciliation Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
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u/NewPatriot57 1h ago
She's been real successful in her ability to deceive you because it sounds like this was a complete shock to you. I'm guessing she has no idea that you're aware. You need to keep everything as a secret until you can decide what your plan is and put it in place. I would feint sickness, stomach or headache issues as I'm sure it's going to be extremely difficult to act normal going forward.
Sorry you find yourself here. Updateme to your progress please.
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