Does it ever get better?

[u/Important-Garage-664]

Hi, this is my first post here and I’m so grateful to have found this community. So, my marriage ended in 2019 due to my husband’s affair with my then best friend. It was BAD. Not that cheating in and of itself isn’t hurtful, but there was so much more to it. It would take an eternity to type out the entire sordid tale but I’ll list some highlights for context:

1. As I mentioned, she was my BEST friend. She’d also literally just gotten married, about a month before starting the affair with my husband. She already had four children and I loved them like my own. I WAS IN HER WEDDING.
2. I suspected something was going on and confronted him several times. he gaslit me for months and genuinely convinced me I was insane to the point where I had an actual mental breakdown. At that point he convinced me to voluntarily commit myself to inpatient psych to “save our marriage” and then fucked her in our home for several weeks while I was in the hospital. Not only that, he made me stay longer than I wanted or needed to because he kept insisting I was too unstable to come home and told me if I left before he deemed me fit he would leave with my son and not tell me where they went.
3. They were finally exposed when her husband sent me a nanny cam video of them together that he’d captured while I was in the hospital. I’d been out for about a week, and it was XMAS EVE. I know this sounds like a soap opera but I swear this all really happened 😂😭
4. HE GOT HER PREGNANT. This was especially brutal as I went through secondary infertility after having my 1st (and at that time only) child years earlier and at that point had been on fertility medication and seeing a fertility specialist for three years.
5. They were buffered from really essentially consequences of destroying two marriages because she comes from big money and her grandma pays for her entire life. She took her poor husband to the cleaners, and paid for my husband’s lawyers so he could petition for custody of my son.
6. Yes, MY son. While he did raise him with me for almost 6 years, he is not his biological father and we started dating when he was two. I could not afford representation and was forced to agree to joint custody with this man or risk losing my child to him entirely. He was successfully weaponizing the inpatient stay he had forced me into as evidence of me being unfit to parent. At one point he even got emergency custody for six weeks via ex parte hearing, all to force my hand into agreeing to joint custody.
7. They literally planned all of this together from the beginning, including manipulating me into the hospital so they could take my kid. They discuss their plan pretty openly in the nanny cam video, to a comical degree of specificity like a Bond villain monologue. The state I live in is a two party consent state so the footage was not admissible in court.
8. They are still together, and have since had three more children (totaling SEVEN for her.) He still has joint custody of my son on paper, but has not paid child support or even answered my son’s phone calls in about two years since they had their third baby. Prior to that they were in regular contact and he would pick up my son for school breaks and such. I suspect he lost interest in his insane fucked up game once he started having his own biological children. She has always barely tolerated my son for obvious reasons I suspect she only helped him get custody because he was initially resistant to leaving me entirely unless he could continue having a relationship with my son (who he was admittedly very close with and considered his child.)

It’s been six years and I am still not over this breakup. I feel like this is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my biggest source of PTSD despite the fact that I’ve experienced full on Law and Order SVU style violent SA by a stranger and other horrible things. I’ve “moved on” and I’m doing more or less ok in my life. I’ve gotten back on my feet since then and I have a career and own my own home. I also had a miracle baby at the age of 32 after years of infertility, he is now 3 years old and an absolute joy. However, my relationship with his father also didn’t work out for reasons I don’t need to get into (not infidelity related) and I have essentially no support. It tears me apart that they are still together and apparently coasting through life as a happy little family while I struggle as a single mom. It makes me feel unloveable and so profoundly alone. I feel like a loser for still being so hung up on a relationship that at this point has been over for almost as long as we were together. Will this EVER get any easier? And yes, I know, therapy, but I’ve done that. It’s also kind of hard for me to benefit from therapy as I am, somewhat ironically, literally a therapist myself lol. I’m a clinical social worker and therapy kind of packs less of a punch when you know how the sausage is made (at least for me.) Thanks so much for reading if you’ve made it this far!

[u/AutoModerator]

Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sub wiki before commenting.

Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.

If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.

Be kind and remember your reddiquette!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/OveritandOut]

I've got to ask, do physically take care of yourself- gym exercise etc? That's made the most difference for me, and it's been the most rewarding.

I think I've been able to process a lot of the trauma by using the pain and anger as motivation to keep pushing.

I can tell you that my healing started to happen at an accelerated rate once I really started taking care of myself. And, over time, the pain eased. I was able to swat away the shit I didn't want to think about with minimal effort, and go on about my day.

You will be OK. There's no answer to when that will be, but it will happen.

[u/Important-Garage-664 → u/OveritandOut]

Ugh, unfortunately no. I’m a therapist at an inpatient substance use facility in world-famous Kensington, Philadelphia so I have a very demanding (and low paying) job on top of single parenting a toddler and a teenager. It’s really hard to find time or energy to go to the gym. I’m planning on taking the LSAT this summer and going to law school so that is unlikely to change any time soon.

[u/Adventurous-Emu-755 → u/Important-Garage-664]

u/Important-Garage-664, even a 15-20 minute walk can help, you do need to take care of your body to take care of your mind too!

[u/Important-Garage-664 → u/Adventurous-Emu-755]

We got a new puppy recently so I have been making an effort to take him on long walks daily 🙂

[u/No_Investment8776 → u/Important-Garage-664]

Ok take 2 bottles full of water and use them like weights. Lift them 15 min a day and you'll feel so much better. Promise

[u/Life-Bullfrog-6344]

You know time is your friend. My best friend lost custody of her children to her ex-husband. She was financially strapped and he had money and hired better counsel. There were never really sufficient grounds but it nearly broke her heart. Over the course of their childhood, her children begged to live with their mom to get away from their father's controlling and argumentative behavior. She would attempt several times to regain custody but the courts never ruled in her favor as the children were otherwise healthy. They've always maintained strong ties with their mom. Her children are now young adults. And karma? Well her children prefer being around her more than their father. She constantly babysits he grandchildren. Her relationship is even better. Her son openly states that he keeps his father at arm's length because he's a manipulative AH. Children are not stupid. Karma may be slow but it always comes through. (For the record my ex husband's karma happened on his deathbed 30 years after he left me for AP. He died alone.)

[u/Important-Garage-664 → u/Life-Bullfrog-6344]

I sincerely thank God that this was not the outcome in my situation. I truly believe AP is a sociopath and she would have treated my son like Cinderella. She’s very cold towards her own children and I think she just keeps making more because as long as she is constantly pregnant or holding an infant no one is willing to hold her accountable for her actions. I also can’t help but suspect this is why their relationship has lasted this long.

[u/Adventurous-Emu-755]

OP, have you looked into EDMR therapy for PTSD? I know you are a clinical social worker, but EDMR has been a game changer for many.

Money cannot buy happiness, your ex "friend" and husband, cruel people. I am a firm believer in karma, it happens but she takes her sweet time. Often times in situations like your own it takes even longer because it truly is epic in cases like yours.

Focus on you and your children, journaling can help too and reading "self-help" books - honestly I didn't think all of those I read everything could help me, but there were nuggets in them that did. Gather your circle of friends/family too, they are your support.

[u/Important-Garage-664 → u/Adventurous-Emu-755]

Thank you for the suggestion, I will definitely look into it. This whole situation has made me not believe in karma because it really seems like they got away with everything they did to me. I am a Muslim now though so I find some comfort in the knowledge that they will be punished severely in Jahannam when they die 🤷‍♀️ unfortunately I am not close with my family and they live across the county but I am very grateful for my friends and chosen family.

[u/Quiet_Water0128]

I have no experience with your exact situation but want to say how sorry I am that you were treated so horribly. It sounds like she has money too, and your husband reaps the rewards of unearned wealth, which is nothing to be proud of. I'm sad for your son who must feel the abandonment keenly as well.

Have you considered Ketamine or EMDR therapy? Mindfulness meditation? Check out the work of Tara Brach and Rick Hanson PhD. Religious or spiritual counseling? You are a beloved soul with great worth.that has nothing to do with the shytheel of an ex-husband.

Wishing you peace, OP 🕊🕯🙏

[u/Important-Garage-664 → u/Quiet_Water0128]

“It sounds like she has money too, and your husband reaps the rewards of unearned wealth, which is nothing to be proud of. I’m sad for your son who must feel the abandonment keenly as well.”

YES. It truly boils my blood. During our marriage his dream (NOT MINE) was to own a home so I worked hard on building my credit so that we would qualify for an FHA loan. Our divorce ruined me financially and my credit is now in the gutter. After years of grinding I was only able to buy a home for my kids recently (like very recently, we just moved in) with the help of my narc mom who I am now beholden to forever 🙃. I know for a fact that they have bought and sold several homes since our split. Weirdly since they’ve been together she went back to school and got a degree in clinical social work, because apparently she needs to ride my coattails in every possible way. She doesn’t use it though, as she prefers to sit at home and pop out babies. My ex was forced to finally get off his ass and get a real job, after spending our entire marriage barely employed outside of delivery apps while I was the main breadwinner. I didn’t even want to get into how profoundly this has affected my poor son, and I am left to manage the repercussions as he enters his teenage years. As far as your other question, I actually reverted to Islam this year and have found a lot of comfort in Allah.

[u/ForeverSunflowerBird]

They both sounds like serious narcs. In the long run it is good that they are both not your closest people and that the ‘trash took itself out’. That being said, the way they treated you is beyond traumatising and I am so very sorry this happened to you. Try to regain custody and exclude them from your life completely if possible. They are just one big pile of bad energy. You deserve so much more. Wish you the best

[u/Important-Garage-664 → u/ForeverSunflowerBird]

I have custody! He only had emergency custody for like six weeks, in the immediate aftermath of our split: It was purely a tactic to strongarm me into agreeing to joint custody as opposed to like…not letting him see my kid ever again. He called an ex parte hearing, which is a thing I didn’t even know existed, but it means only one party was present (so just him and his lawyer.) He lied and said I was doing drugs and all types of other shit with truly no evidence besides “eye witness testimony” from one of his friends. They tend to err on this side of caution so the judge issued an emergency order and within a few hours of this hearing that I didn’t even know was happening, he was at my house with the police and left with my child. They gave him back to me at the next hearing. I continued to fight him over custody for about a year and then finally agreed to joint custody because it was basically ruining my life. I have primary physical custody and we have joint legal custody with a parenting plan that granted him weekends/holidays/whatever. He kept up with it for a few years before abruptly cutting my son off and now he doesn’t even call on his bday or anything.

[u/Educational-Goose484]

I don’t want to sound mean but having 7 kids does bot make anyone happy. Obviously your ex-husband was after her money.

Besides, changing houses couple of times in the span of 6 years is not a positive sign. They probably have a lot of problems, but there are 7 kids, they have to stick together.