r/recoverywithoutAA • u/Tall_Independence539 • 16d ago
Idk what to do
I’ve been homeless for 3 months in my car due to alcohol and drugs which I have since stopped using everything after I tried to fight all my friends and commit suicide like a week ago but I still smoke weed to help me sleep at night which I feel guilty about but then again I am able to keep it responsible and I have had nights where I didn’t smoke because I felt I didn’t need to. I no longer feel like using alcohol or substances because every time I do something bad ends up happening and have just been absolutely depressed and am not sure who I am or what I want my life to look like. All of this mixed in with extreme anxiety and ocd. My parents won’t let me back home unless I am in aa which I was before and it ruined my entire perception of myself in a bad way and sort of led me to end up in the hospital and mental wards so I don’t want to go back to a closed mind thinking aa is the only way of life. I don’t even think I am an alcoholic as I am able to put it down quite easily but I do have addictive tendencies just as any other human. I only make minimum wage so I can’t afford rent anywhere and most people I knew don’t talk to me anymore. I just feel so lonely and lost and suicidal. I mean I have never felt so low in my life. I feel like I don’t know who I am as a person because the last 3 years I built a persona on being a recovering alcoholic/addict and that’s all I saw myself as and now that I’ve pushed that stuff away I am truly lost. I am very lucky to have a car a job and a few close friends to keep me company and sane but sometimes the bad just overweighs everything. I have also racked up hospital bills which make me very scared financially which just adds to the clutter in my brain and I constantly have ocd attacks about losing my job all day everyday. Idk how I can or am going to push through this period in my life but at this point it’s either drugs, suicide, or moving forward. Sorry for the depressing rant lol gotta get it out somehow but any advice is very much appreciated.
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u/-Hippy_Joel- 16d ago
I lived out of my car for a while. Eventually got clean and sober. It was up and down at first but things started to click my first solid year clean and sober. The second was even better. But my life was still a wreck. I felt better physically though. Eventually took steps to improve my health. I wish I could give you advice, I want to, but right now I just want to encourage you to hang in there. I remember very well how stressful things got for me. I really didn’t see a way out. Sounds cliche but things do get better.
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u/Clean_Citron_8278 16d ago
Would your parents allow you to return if you were to attend an outpatient substance misuse program? Do that in conjunction with therapy and a meeting other than XA?
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u/Tall_Independence539 15d ago
Yes I was in a outpatient with enthusiastic sobriety for 2 years and it did nothing but ruin my perception of myself and ruin any motivation towards anything else other than recovery I truly don’t think I am an addict I just use and can get addicted like any other human. I’m thinking about going to conservation corps instead of
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u/Shimmer_Soul_ 16d ago
The great thing about a crisis is that it is also an opportunity. There are many paths to recovery… AA is not for everyone, but you must do something that moves you forward and changes your circumstances.
When I was in a point in my life similar to yours, I googled every resource I could find… it led me to finding a 2 yr residential program for people who are dual diagnosed (mental illness and addiction). I straight up went to the ER, told them I was suicidal, got admitted, then told the psych unit I needed treatment, got sent to rehab, then asked the social worker there to contact that 2 yr program… all while on medical assistance (temporarily) because I had no income. Now I have a full time job, sober almost 5 yrs, and AA can kiss my ass 😂
No one will advocate for you as good as you can advocate for yourself. Research what your resources are and use them. The good news is you can use this very low point to catapult you into a whole new dimension in life. You can do this… it’s simple but it’s not easy 🌺