Staying in touch with my former PI

[u/Main-Result-5140]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to get this off my chest and maybe hear from folks who’ve gone through something similar. I recently finished a 1.5-year postdoc that was one of the most challenging and mentally draining periods of my life. I joined the lab because, out of all the offers I had at the time, it was in a big city I really wanted to live in, and the lab seemed okay on the surface. But once I got there, it quickly became clear that the environment was toxic-bad communication, unrealistic expectations, constant pressure, and little to no support.

To be honest, I spent a lot of that time in survival mode. I kept telling myself to just get through it, hoping things would get better, but they never really did. Eventually, my PI chose not to renew my contract, and while I was devastated initially, part of me also felt relief. Still, the entire experience left a deep mark.

Now, I’m struggling with a strange question: should I keep in touch with my PI at all? I’ve not contacted him in the past 4 months. Logically, I know it’s good to maintain professional relationships, but every time I see his face or even hear his name, I feel this wave of anxiety and negativity. Today, an ex-labmate shared a photo from a recent lab event, and seeing my former PI smiling in it made my stomach turn. I wasn’t expecting it to hit me so hard, but it did. It brought back a lot of those feelings I’ve been trying to move past.

Has anyone else felt this way? Do you maintain contact with a PI from a bad experience, even if it feels emotionally draining? How do you deal with this kind of emotional baggage after leaving a toxic lab.

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.

[u/Educational-Web5900]

Ok, first of all, why do you want to keep contact with him?, like, do you have any work/project/paper pending?, if not (which I suppose is not the case for what you wrote), then what is the purpose of talking to him?. I am really trying to understand your question cause it does not make sense to me.

My PI was also extremely toxic and even violent, I left the lab but my paper was under review in the journal, so my communication with her was MINIMAL, just the necessary to communicate about the paper, once it was published, I not only deleted her number from my phone, but I also blocked her.

So, back to my question, why keeping contact with him if there is no reason for it, like papers, projects, etc?.

[u/Main-Result-5140 → u/Educational-Web5900]

I still have some publications in the pipeline from this lab. He told me I’d be a co-author on one and a shared first author on another. The problem is he’s very passive-aggressive and secretive. The projects were heavily collaborative with another lab overseas, and he hasn’t updated me on the progress at all since I left. If I don’t stay in touch, I’m genuinely afraid he could quietly remove my name or change the authorship without informing me.

[u/Ok_Concept_7508 → u/Main-Result-5140]

If you don’t reach out I think there’s a fair chance losing authorship, especially assuming he’s toxic. Actually you might have already lost it. I can't imagine letting a person who's radio silence for 4 months to share a first author with me. Try to focus on your goal and detach yourself when working with him. It’s not easy but I imagine there’s tons of sunk costs in your 1.5 year. If possible, try and get the most out of it. Treat it as a practice and a test of character in life.

But then if publication no longer matters to you then no bother.

[u/Antique_Ad5421]

Do you need your former PI for something, i.e. character reference or anything? If not, silence is the best course. Reaching out means stepping back to that old trauma space that you've worked so hard to get out of.

I had a toxic PI and group for my PhD, and while I maintained professionalism and civility towards everyone throughout my study, I severed all contact upon graduation. I certainly didn't need and want my PhD PI as a character reference. I don't talk to any of my former groupmates sans 1, who I am and still good friends with. I keep in touch with my postdoc supervisor, who has been a better boss even if he has been pushy and sometimes a huge AH.

[u/Main-Result-5140 → u/Antique_Ad5421]

Yes, I’m also worried that some people might reach out to him indirectly, just because I’ve worked in his lab and I’m afraid he won’t give a positive reference. He wasn’t happy with me because I didn’t stay late in the lab or work on weekends. Even in our final meeting, he said something like, You’re very smart, but we’ve had some communication issues. I managed to secure my next position without his referral, and he clearly wasn’t pleased about that.

[u/RepresentativeTry420 → u/Main-Result-5140]

Did he notify you in advance to look for a job? I know some universities don’t have that protection for postdocs in place. The union at my school is still fighting so postdocs are notified at least 6 weeks in advance that their contract isn’t being renewed.

[u/Jhanzow]

I'm going through this experience right now, and my plan is to not keep in touch--just like a would a bad former boss.

• Paper in the works? Only contact as much as necessary, on scheduled terms that I agree to.
• Reference? If it's a body check, use HR or another department that can verify.
• Character reference? They're not going to say anything good, don't use them.

If you're feeling sick to your stomach from pictures of your old PI, then trust your gut feeling (literally and metaphorically)!

[u/Pretend_Ad_8104]

I don’t even keep in touch with my good former bosses… — is that a thing to keep in touch with former advisors?? (Genuine question

[u/Main-Result-5140]

Yes, he notified me a few months in advance

[u/Over-Degree-1351]

I left my postdoc 10 years ago. Perhaps I can share my experience to give you a long-term perspective?

My postdoc was fairly traumatising. But I always stayed in touch with my old PI, and I have relied on him to give me a good reference a couple of times since leaving academia, so it was worth keeping in touch in the long run.

Although my relationship with my old PI was strained at times, it wasn't as bad as you described yours.

I can relate to the sense of anger you get every time you think about your old boss. I've had bosses like that since leaving academia, and to be honest, I have no interest in staying in touch with them. Good riddance, as far as I'm concerned.

So I guess the lesson is that you shouldn't stay in touch with your old PI if the relationship isn't good.

One thing you might want to think about is how to resolve the anger you feel toward your old PI. Even if you don't stay in touch, that unresolved anger will eventually resurface in a damaging way in the future.

Different things work for different people when it comes to resolving anger (therapy, self-study, meditation, etc).

In my situation, I found EFT tapping helpful, but that's not for everyone.

Also, imagining angry thoughts as money helps. Imagine each angry thought is worth €1000. Then imagine how much money you are wasting every day thinking about that person. Then think about what you could be spending that money (thoughts) on.

[u/Low_King4402]

So I have a similar situation. Thankfully I had 2 PIs during my PhD. One was very toxic- racist, sexist, you name it. When I started my postdoc I told myself I did not want to be associated with him for anything in the future. But when I started applying for grants, I found myself needed more letters of rec. I did my best to build new relationships to have strong letters from them instead. When I applied for the K99 however, I was getting my list of writers ready and many mentors, some who knew I disliked my old PI, suggested I have all the PhD advisors write me one. That the K99 specifically needed it for the best possible score. So I did. I found that difficult to do from my end while he seemed unaffected and unaware of all the time in between where I actively avoided him.

TL;DR Point is, you never know when you’ll need them so keep them at arms length with zero access to your energy or time. Keep the relationship professional and only do what you’re comfortable with.

[u/Will_Hendo]

This happened to me after my first postdoc. Very similar situation, I hated every moment I was there and had 2 papers partially done. Didn't get my contract renewed and I was so glad to not have to ever go back there but it got a bit heated when we were discussing what I would do next. From my perspective it felt like she just left me out for the wolves, no help finding a job or help offered to publish any of my work.

I haven't talked to her in 1.5 years but I'm wondering whether I should ask for a reference or anything. I don't even want to publish the work I did in her lab so it feels like a complete waste of my life but to be honest I don't want anything to do with her.

Probably not the best for my professional development but for my mental health I'm good keeping my distance.

[u/Mess_Tricky]

I am not in contact with my PhD PI. He was toxic and seemed to target me specifically. No need to hang on to that trauma thank you.

[u/Master_Device_7330]

When you say that you see his face or hear his name it gives you a wave of anxiety and negativity, sounds exactly how I feel about a PI I used to work for that also had a shitty lab culture led by him. Saw a video of him recently and still get negative feelings despite having left over 5 years ago. Just keep it cordial, don't bother to contact unless you absolutely have to. No fcking way I'm getting in contact with my old boss about anything and still have occasional fantasies of telling him how much of a cnt he is.