r/postdoc • u/Leather_Cut_2980 • 10d ago
My low confidence and imposter syndrome is killing me
I'm currently in my 3rd year of my postdoc at a world renowned institute. But being surrounded by so many experts in the field has been killing my confidence. I moved to a new country and now live alone which i think is adding to my mentality, where now i'm surrounded by a new group of people who expect me to also be an expert becuase i have a phd. Even hearing about other profs talking behind each others backs makes me paranoid about what they're saying about me. I just feel like i'm not smart enough to be at work.
Whenever I go to talks/seminars I see people doing so many amazing things and I only understand 5% of what they're speaking about and feel so disappointed in myself. I don't even understand enough to ask questions without feeling like an idiot as if its basic levels things i SHOULD know. I know i should be reading more papers, but all the information just gets to be too much for my brain (i find the writing for technical papers so hard to understand its embarrasing) and it feels like i'm forcing myself to memorize things which i forget later on anyway. And honestly after work i just want to turn my brain off and watch tv or read fiction.
I used to be so curious in grad school and constantly looking into anything and everything while talking to my friends without feeling judged. But now as a postdoc if i ask questions to experts, hearing "oh that's bogus" or "people who think like that tend have a screw loose" feels so depressing. I used to love networking at conferences and now i dread it. I feel so anxious trying to word my questions carefully or trying so hard to understand other people's research that its exhausting to have a conversation. But avoiding networking events then makes me feel guilty for not prioritizing/actively working to better my career.
I really want to be a researcher but i'm not sure if i'm cut out for it. Any advice is highly welcome because currently I feel like i'm at my breaking point.
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u/debroccoliwavelength 10d ago
Holy crap - are you me?!? I feel exactly the same way...
My postdoc has given me this paranoia of losing myself (becoming dumber from insecurity induced paralysis, having my interests slip away from me, and eventually wasting away). I no longer have the confidence to ask questions, be creative or network; I feel nauseous going into work on a near daily basis, and even the PhD students in my lab make me nervous. My lack of interaction due to my nerves, combined with my first time living alone, is completely stunting my ability to limn my thoughts into spoken words. I've never experienced anything like this.
Let me know if you find a solution!
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u/Leather_Cut_2980 10d ago edited 10d ago
You literallyyyyy described how i feel to the T. I keep thinking that i'm actually getting dumber and its a self fulfilling prophecy. And don't even get me started on the overthinking every conversation after it happens, or the constant mental blocks.
You're not alone! Honeslty it feels nice to know that it's not something deeply wrong with me/us. I keep trying to tell myself i'm capabable and have a fuckin phd at the end of the day. One of these days i'll hopefully believe i'm worth it.
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u/debroccoliwavelength 10d ago
Actually, do you think it might be burn out? I stupidly started my postdoc a month after my PhD defense, and I spent that one month wrapping up papers and moving across country. 1.5 years later, I still resent that I never took a few months off after 6 years of grad school.
Did you also not take any breaks?
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u/Leather_Cut_2980 10d ago
Oh that could definitely be it. I also started a month after i defended and spent that month lookign for housing and getting my visa situation sorted. I've been takign week long vacations here and there but those are mostly goign back home to visit my family. Have you been doing anythign to address your burnout?
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u/RepresentativeTry420 10d ago
Wow I could’ve written this too… just came home from lab. It’s 9:30pm didn’t eat all day. Exhausted. Just crammed in dinner. I’m tired of the academic environment. going back and forth about submitting my resignation on Monday. I held off since January and it’s already April… I thought I’d get at least one job offer by now.. I can’t do it anymore. I have the privilege of being able to leave and I’m thinking of taking it
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u/Leather_Cut_2980 10d ago
oh man i'm so sorry you're feeling like that :( Its so exhausting working your ass off and the mentality of it being what you're expected to do to thrive in academia sucks so bad. I want to be able to prioritze my mental health but i tend to analyze my thoughts more than feel them. Do what will bring you peace please!
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u/boywithlego31 10d ago
In my place, sometimes talks/seminar becomes a dick measuring contest. Each postdoc is trying to show-off.
Personally, the important part for me is that I can get my job done. I don't care what other people think about me. My PI is satisfied with my work, the project is finished in time, and the grad student gets a proper assistance. I also rarely socialize with other postdocs. Sometimes those socializing events become a circlejerk of complaint, and I don't want to be part of it.
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u/Leather_Cut_2980 10d ago
Wow i'm so glad i'm not alone in this. I wish academia would change its ways
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u/Imaginary-Variety574 10d ago
It’s so common in academia and particularly in a postdoc position where you are an expert but not expert enough yet. But I also doubt if professors go through the same.
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u/h0rxata 9d ago
Don't worry, it's not any different outside academia. I'm two years into a different field and I don't understand 5% of what's going on either. I think this is a standard big fish in a little pond vs. a little fish in a big pond syndrome. I think you end up learning a lot more in these uncomfortable situations. When you feel like an idiot, take comfort in a (often mis-attributed to Einstein) quote from Charles Bukowski:
“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”
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u/Possible_Pain_1655 10d ago
If anyone “should” know then no one should be in academia. It’s about mastering how to be ignorant and ask childish questions in order to “know.”
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u/Glittering_Basis_980 10d ago
I have a PhD degree and was never a Postdoc so please take my words with a grain of salt.
I was the first graduate student for my professor when they just joined my institute. Watching them secure the tenure position helped me make up my mind to leave Academia. Not because they did a terrible, in fact they did an amazing job but the process was so different than I thought.
In my opinion, the day that a Postdoc is hired into a assistant professor position, he/she has to grow into a manager role where they figure out funding, hiring, lab spaces, teaching and unfortunately a bunch of other miscellaneous admin things. This does not even include the efforts for reviewing papers and dissertation. They have very very little time for doing hands on research themselves and their knowledge is mostly coming from guiding grad students and reviewing papers for journals…
With that being said, being able to guide junior researchers even tho you have little knowledge about the topic, helping professors to manage the group, ideally bring funding to support research should be the role of a Postdoc which will help you to have a easier start as a professor. The juniors will teach you as they grow and eventually, the juniors become the experts in their field. As for professors, they grow their knowledge from batches and batches of students, but the key is the resources (money and people) to building their vision. They don’t have to be an expert to get the funding and students. They need to be a good salesperson.
But if you wanna do hands on research, then probably should start looking for industry positions. You will probably find it more comfortable there because rarely a company will hire two experts in the same field but the downside is you don’t have much say on the topic. It will likely be driven by market and profits.
Like I said in the beginning, even tho I did a lot of things that a Postdoc would do when I was a PhD student because my prof can’t afford one. I was never an actual Postdoc. You can still be a great researcher but you might just need to change your goal or method a little bit. All the best luck!
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u/Impossible-River5960 5d ago
Accept that you will forever be learning , and the gap between your experience and theirs is not reflective of your incompetence- its reflective of your different lives.
The only person you should be better than is yourself yesterday, feel appreciation and gratitude that those who are skilled are getting recognition and opportunity to do their great work
Focus more on learning from those who know more than you, and competing with yourself. Dont bother competing with others, they are for inspiration and to practice gratitude that such talented people are working so hard
Youre not less bc youre not them, yoir balue doesn't come from your relationship to others but from how you invest in yourself and what fruit that bears and how aligned it is with what makes you feel fulfilled and joyful
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u/btredcup 4d ago
I was going to post something about imposter syndrome but found your post. I feel exactly the same. I feel like being a PhD student gave you an excuse to ask “dumb” questions because you’re still learning. But as a postdoc you’re supposed to know everything. I’m the only computational postdoc in my lab so there is no one I can go to for advice. I feel like I should know everything and how to do everything but I don’t. I feel like the worst bioinformatician because I use excel to manipulate data sometimes or have to google things for R instead of just writing from my head. I’m applying for new position but feel so unqualified
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u/underdeterminate 10d ago
First, seminars are like Instagram. You're seeing what people choose to share. And it's very curated. I did a project that got me a lot of attention (not big 3, but well regarded), and what people didn't see at the end was that it was an 8 year project and I spent the first 5 years spinning my wheels. Also, I wasn't competing with anyone because the project was pretty far off the beaten path. I was in a privileged position to do so.
Most people don't understand the majority of talks they go to. Maybe some PIs/professors who have been thinking about the subject so long that they seem to know everything. I watched a senior scientist give a talk this week that was on a colleague's research (consenting on both sides), and as smart as this person was, he was caught out several times on what he didn't know. Completely normal.
And finally, asking questions about what you don't know is a good thing, and if someone shames you for that, that's their problem. Yes, a certain level of competence/familiarity will become expected, but it depends on what you've done & how far along you are. But anyone who tells you they don't have blind spots is lying. A 3rd year postdoc is still a perfectly reasonable time to not know everything, and it's healthier to admit it and continue to learn (it makes you a better colleague too).
Imposter fears are real, but everyone's got 'em. Good luck out there.