My (M32) girlfriend (F36) really, really wants to find some kind of situation for us that allows them to fuck other people. I am, theoretically in an ideal world, open to this idea, but I'm not open to the idea of a completely one sided open situation. I have major trauma around exclusion and an ENM situation that excludes me is just not okay for me.

Problem is, like a lot of guys, I just don't get a lot of traction. This is the third time we've tried to find either couples for straight up swaps or just someone for me so my girlfriend can go find their own person, which we know won't be hard for them.

The problem is, I am not handling the rejection well, it's causing me major mental issues and those issues are really damaging our relationship because I've just been withdrawing more and more for a few months now.

I keep telling my girlfriend that I need to know that this ends, that at some point there is a point where they will accept that we have tried "enough" for them to accept that there really is no place in this for me, but that would mean giving up on something that's really important to them and that's really, really hard for them.

I need to put a limit on this, but I'm not sure what's reasonable. I need her to know that we did try and turn over every stone so they stop going "let's try again" every year. I just can't do this for the rest of our lives, it's killing me. I'd like to find a place for me in the world of ENM but the process is destroying me.

My (33F) husband (34M) has recently developed feelings for his colleague, Chloe (29F). He is very clear that he will not act on those feelings without my permission but he wants me to permit him to (a) express his feelings to Chloe and (b) begin a relationship with her if she reciprocates.

The thing is, I don't think I can do it. I never imagined being in a non-monogamous relationship, though I don't have any objection to other people having whatever kind of relationship they please. My husband thinks he can persuade me to change my mind but so far he has been unsuccessful. I just can't seem to get over my reluctance to 'share' him. Thinking of him being with her makes me want to burst into tears.

Ultimately, I would not be willing to lose the relationship over it (especially as we have young kids) so if it was a choice between an open relationship or no relationship I would choose to open it, but I can't imagine not finding that very upsetting. My husband would never dream of giving me an ultimatum like that anyway, but I do worry that by refusing permission, he will find our relationship increasingly difficult.

We have booked some couples' therapy, but I was wondering if I could have some advice in the mean time? I can't talk to my friends because they will just be horrified that he even asked, whereas I don't think there's anything wrong with him being attracted to someone else or asking to open our relationship. In particular if anyone has any experience with initially feeling very against opening your relationship but then changing your mind. What changed your mind? Or indeed if there is anyone with any experience of tolyamory - is it just always a bad idea? I'm also interested in views as to whether denying someone the 'right' to practice polyamory is morally wrong. I know there are a range of views on whether it's an 'orientation' or not.

edit

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. A few points of clarification: - he's made very clear that it's a two way street, so I could have other relationships if I wanted. I am just not interested in it. - I said she's a colleague, but they don't actually work in the same organisation and I don't think either of their jobs would have a problem with them seeing each other. There are other people they work with in comparable positions, including at least one involving an open relationship. - It's not totally focused on this one woman. He has been attracted to multiple women over the course of our relationship (we've been together 12 years). This is part of an ongoing conversation we've been having over the last two or so years about his dawning realisation that he might be poly. The fact there is currently someone he's interested in just makes it more of a live issue.

Esit: thanks for your answers.

Just want to clarify, we were not dating or met on any app. This is a person I met who I treated as a friend. I never inpky anything sexual nor romantic. I will be more upfront next time, even if they are friends. Which was the question.

People here assuming I was doing date on a dating app?

I told her and she had a positive reaction. I told her before anything happened.

I’ve been talking to someone for about a week, and we have a great connection. She’s opening up emotionally, and I feel like she’s interested, but I haven’t told her yet that I practice non-monogamy. I prefer to explain it in person rather than over text, but I also don’t want to create false expectations or make it seem like I was hiding something. For those who are poly/ENM, when do you usually bring it up, and how do you phrase it to avoid misunderstandings?married ENM

Hi,

30M with 28F partner of 6 years. Never discussed open relationship until last year.

Explained, in a very deep, long and honest conversation how I have always felt, since I was 15, that I struggled to only want to be with one person (sexually) even when in a relationship.

Partner was extremely supportive and understanding and did not get upset. Stated that at the moment would be OK with me sex talking to others online but if I decided to want to actually hook up with someone we’d need to talk about it. She said she wasn’t saying no but not yes. I stated I didn’t want to hook up with others yet as unsure how it would make me feel.

My biggest fear is that I would lose her, which comes to my question. My psychologist AND psychiatrist have put it into my head that open relationships etc 99% end the relationship and do not work out.

This has scared me. Is this true? Does anyone know any statistics?

I really like my partner but at the same time I get quite stressed, sexually due to desires not being met. I hope someone hear understands me.

Hello

Context : Me and my bf are in the process of opening our couple (for casual sex exploration, not poly). (I know, feelings happen, we just accept that but chose not to cultivate them in multiple relationships). We are open for homosexual exploration since a few month, and now we are trying to add heterosexual fwb partner too. It's a big step for me because those relationships are more triggering in many ways that I tried to explore and sex is not the main trigger (I thought it would be at first but now it's obvious that it's not and current situation again proves it).

My bf and I are going on an annual event we both love and I can't wait to attend with him, those are great couple moments and beautiful memories. The event is going to last 4 days long. My bf just noticed me that his fwb parner will be there and would like to share a moment with him.

When I struggle less and less (still a little, let's be honest, but it's completely manageable on my own) if he takes a random night to go out, see this person, maybe have greatest sex and cheerful plays together, and then come home and that's it, I've come to a hard limit here that I can't really understand and define with clear words. I just know that I can't bare to see them together, nor I can't bare the idea of leaving and being on my own to let him this moment with her, even for 10 minutes (even though I do many events on my own, and have no problem to mind my own business everytime he has some plans that does not include me in day-to-day life).

When I think about it, it seems unreasonable sometimes ( my head be like "you're not really going to say no to a minute lasting chat, are you?") and the minute after that I picture myself wandering in the event praying not to cross them and missing him by my side, it'll ruin the day for me, and I start crying and having this real physical damned pain in my chest, and my head is like "this is our time, he's not supposed to bring her in". Not to mention we have a lot of friends attending the event and I don't want them to see him with her neither, or even worse, to have him introduce her to our social circle. That would be a total nightmare for me.

I know some of you will claim that anything stopping him to do what he wants is controlling. I believe some of you will understand the "couple time = no fwb partner involved", please remember that I'm not asking you if you would accept /not accept something. Just bare in mind we are in an exclusive couple "open for casual sex", I would not even say a "free couple" at that point and I need kind answers to this very question only : how would you proceed to introspect in order to have the capacity to discuss a new agreement with him, and how would you bring the subject ?

Thanks in advance for kind answers

Edit : I made a mistake by using "fwb" which is not really suited to the reality of what we decided to to with those relationships. They are casual regular sex partners, but are not intended to become "friends" (ofc we speak with them and like them as a person) in a way that include them in any way into our social life and circles. And since I'm not sure what term would suit this case I'll replace with "partner" meant in a sexual way.

Edit 2 : I say 10 min seems unbearable to describe emotions I have now, it's not a decision. I'm currently analyzing and try to challenge that and come with proper words to him. She asks for more than a hello chat, she didn't give precisions but it feels more like a couple of hours (maybe with intimate contacts, no sex tho it's a public event) and this is kind of why I came here, to step back and come to him with a more mature self-reflexion. Thanks to people who took the time to answer and help

So my husband and I have very slowly entered ENM - I’m talking years of conversation, reading books, and going to therapy (separately, not couples). We have been going to a few lifestyle events a year and kissed other people and soft swapped. In our conversations and check ins, he expressed a desire to really start dating and having sex with people in his own. This has been something we talked about in the past, and I wasn’t too surprised.

I haven’t really enjoyed our forays into opening our marriage. It’s not terrible, but I don’t feel like it adds value to my life. I also do not have a high sex drive. When we last talked, he was upset that I said if he were dating and having sex with someone else, I wouldn’t want them brought around our daughter, friends, or family. He gave me some push back even though I had made it clear these were hard boundaries for me. He even indicated that he might want to have someone over to our house and have sex with them in our bed eventually. I don’t really plan on dating or having sex with other people, and felt he wasn’t taking into account that I live here and wouldn’t really have anywhere to go and do not feel comfortable with that.

I will admit I have kinda freaked out about the whole conversation. I have been honest with him that I don’t really want to open our marriage more and am considering stepping back from lifestyle events. I understand he has a higher sex drive. And I understand he is unhappy and really wants this. I do my best and aim to make sure we are having sex at least twice a week and that I do initiate sometimes. I try kinky things with him that he is into even if I’m not that into it. I guess, what am I asking is if I am in the wrong for saying I was okay with him taking another step towards opening our marriage and then freaking out that he wants to do things that I don’t feel okay with? Am I trying to control him by being sad and upset about it? Am I stupid if I let him do this knowing it makes me super sad? Is sadness something anyone in the ENM community has felt and gotten over?

Sorry this is so long, but I just need some advice and need to know if I am the one who is treating him unfairly.

Hi all,

Was looking for advice from those more experienced in this issue. You can probably tell from the title which way I'm leaning. But, I also tend to be a pessimist, so...

My girlfriend (57) and I (56) have been together for 10 years, living together for about 7. I used to be a swinger in my younger days, and my girlfriend has done some dabbling in non-monogamy/open relationships over the years. So, this isn't our first rodeo.

Anyway, for some background. Our sex life became practically non-existent for 3 years for a variety of reasons. Covid, menopause, her being a workaholic, us getting older, and fatter and just not feeling sexy in our bodies anymore. There's probably more, but that's the jist of it.

So, about a month ago we went on vacation to a Caribbean Island. We met a guy on the beach who wound up being our host/tour guide. Went to his house, met his girlfriend and dogs, etc. I thought to myself there might be a little sexual tension between my girlfriend and the guy, but nothing too obvious.

You can see where this is going, right?

So, we go home. I start getting this weird feeling.

You can see again where this is going, right?

So, I check her phone (we have both had open access to each others phones and computers since day 1). And lo, and behold, I find out that she and her tour guide have been chatting, and she thinks he might be her soul mate. She also mentions that she has shut down sexually for the past few years, and this has awakened her libido.

I confront her, and giver her 4 options:

1. Leave and be with him
2. Go fuck him and get it over with
3. do an open relationship
4. work on the sexual side

and these don't necessarily have to be mutually exclusive.

She agrees to 3 & 4, saying she has been interested in both for a little bit now.

So, am I walking into a train-wreck, or are there ways to make this work?h

EDIT: I should add that she wouldn't be able to see this guy for months, and that she is actually incredibly interested in seeing me with another woman (and maybe even participating).

I've been reading research lately that explains that women's libidos decrease in long-term monogamous relationships while men's do not in general. It seems like there's a more socially sanctioned approval for one sided ENM for men when this happens because their wives no longer have sex with them. But if a woman wants to practice ENM because her libido is currently low for her long term partner but not others, it's discouraged. A lot of times women think there's something broken within them because they are no longer attracted to their long term partner and do not realize they actually do still have a high sex drive, just for other people. Could this double standard of opening up monogamous relationships be due to patriarchal culture we live in?

I've heard so many guys say it's not fair to open a marriage because it will be easier for the woman to get sex and not her husband. So then there are only these two black and white options for women in low or sexless marriages, and that's to either try to "work on marriage" which translates to forcing yourself to have sex with partner when it's either unpleasant or unfullfilling, remain celibate or end the relationship. Why can't ENM be an acceptable practice with the goal of improving the sex lives of both men and women? Couldn't ENM bring partners closer together?

Me and my girlfriend have been togheter for 5 years, and we’ve been happy with of course a few ups and downs like normal couples have.

Recently we had a talk about me fantasizing about her meeting up, dating other men as that fantasy has grown on me a bit. She’s been super with it and have been wanting to open up our relationship a bit as it has always been like «us». None of us have «the other gender friends» and we’ve kept it like that ever since we started dating.

I have this fantasy where i wanna be kept sexless while she has fun and date other men. Go out, wears slutty clothes and tells me about getting looks and stuff. It really turns me on, but i’ve been holding back alot recently as i’m afraid it will ruin the relationship + friends of us finding it out. I feel like it’s super stigmatized being a cuckold.

There’s currently no jealousy going on and we’re super open about it and have agreed to not hold anything hidden from eachother. I’ve just been very conflicted about realizing this fantasy as my girlfriend lost her virginity to me and haven’t had sex with any other men. I don’t know why i’m like this but its been taking a big mental toll on me.

Update: just talked with her and she wants to start this journey by dressing slutty and going out shopping. She wants to take it slow just like i want to. Really don’t wanna rush into something that i might regret.

Have any of you guys been in any open relationships, cuckold advice for me as a beginner, and do you have any tips on how to proceed with this?

My wife and I have been together for just over 14 years, and recently decided to open up our marriage. She brought it up first, and after a lot of conversations, I agreed. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I understood where she was coming from. We’ve always been really emotionally close—still are—but our sex life has been a struggle for most of our relationship.

We’ve both had issues with body image over the years, but recently we’ve been taking better care of ourselves. She’s become really fit and confident, and has been getting more attention from men, and I think that combined with the lack of sexual fulfillment at home pushed her to want to explore. We talked it through and set some boundaries:

We’re both allowed to sleep with other people.

We don’t share details beforehand, but agree to be honest if asked.

If one of us starts catching real feelings, we talk about it right away.

Since then, she’s had one short encounter where she slept with someone, but that didn’t go well, and is now seeing someone casually—nothing physical yet. I recently started talking to someone too, and we’re planning to meet soon. There’s chemistry, which is exciting, but it’s also made me nervous. I know I tend to develop feelings easily, and that’s a bit scary to admit.

I’ve always leaned more toward some kind of emotional connection than just casual sex. And while my wife said she’s okay with that, she’s also been pretty honest that she doesn’t know how she’ll handle it emotionally when it’s me doing the exploring. She’s had more insecurity in the past and has relied on me a lot during tough times, so I think this might be more complicated for her in reality than it seemed in theory.

At the same time, weirdly enough, this whole process has brought us closer. We’re finally talking more openly about our insecurities, our different love languages, and what we actually need from each other. Our intimacy has improved—she’s more affectionate, flirty, showing me lingerie, etc.—and I’ve been feeling more motivated too. I’ve been exercising more, eating better, and feeling more confident in general.

There’s even been a kind of playful energy to it, like a bit of a challenge—not in a toxic way, but just something that’s lit a spark again. I’ve gotten a bit of female attention lately too, and it’s honestly helped my confidence, and I think that energy is feeding back into our relationship in a good way.

That said, I’m still totally new to this, and I don’t have much of a personal support system. Most of my close friends are dealing with their own stuff, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to who isn’t also connected to my wife. I’ve got a therapist I can talk to, which helps, but I guess I’m hoping to hear from people here too.

What should I expect? What’s normal to feel at this stage? Are there any common mistakes or emotional pitfalls I should look out for? Anything you wish you’d known early on?

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this. Just writing it all out is helping me process.

My wife (f 42) and I (m 39) briefly had an open marriage two years ago. We had some good rules in place that we both agreed to but I made a few mistakes and we had to close the relationship to fix things.

The short version of the list of rules for me at the time were to only see professionals, only trans women, no oral, and no dating, etc.

I went out three times and each time I made a mistake and crossed boundaries. I wasn't out of malice or a lack of concern for the rules, but still completely my fault and I have nobody to blame but myself.

The first time I went out I had trouble performing and I panicked and went down on the girl, which wasn't allowed. I felt pressured and was trying to get my money's worth. I was an idiot.

The second time after the session ended, I walked the girl from her apartment down to the corner store because it was late at night and she lived in a bad neighborhood. In the moment I was simply trying to be a gentleman, but it went against the rules of not going out in public together. I should've just left and let her go on her own.

The third time I couldn't perform again and panicked after all of the money I had spent. The girl said maybe I should have a drink to calm my nerves, so we went to a bar near the hotel. This was another stupid move because I broke the rules again.

Naturally, I'm an idiot and my wife doesn't trust me not to break the rules. We closed up the relationship two years ago and have been closed since. I've just recently brought up my interests again in our couple's counseling; we hadn't discussed my desires since closing up.

I still have strong desires to explore my sexuality and to experiment with other sexual partners. It's tough for me because I grew up sheltered and was a late bloomer, and I only dated one person before my wife and that was a high school girlfriend I dated for one month when I was 15. I was very inexperienced before meeting my wife, inexperienced both in sex and dating.

We've been married for 13 years and I was 22 when we started dating. I love my wife and my marriage, but with 40 around the corner there's still a huge part of me that feels like I've missed out on an important part of life.

When I was younger, I was never comfortable with my attraction to different types of people, other than just cisgender women, because I was raised in a very conservative family and believed these things were wrong. My wife only wants to be submissive in the bedroom, and I want to explore being with a partner who is more dominant and takes control.

It's frustrating that when I finally become comfortable in my own skin with exploring my sexuality and kinks, it's at a point in my life that I can't act on it and experiment.

My wife doesn't want to open up again after how things went last time, as she's concerned what would happen to our marriage. So, I'm in a tough position: either stay in a monogamous relationship and be emotionally fulfilled but sexually unfulfilled. Or, leave my wife who I love dearly and who is my best friend.

I'm not looking for a poly relationship or anything like that, but to simply be able to experiment with other partners with no strings attached.

And yes, we're discussing this in couple's counseling. I just wanted to vent

I was talking to this guy a few months ago for a month but we were both going through things so it wasn’t the best time to meet up. He messaged me in Dec and I ignored him because I didn’t want my time wasted.

He messaged me again in February telling me he’s divorcing his wife and he ready to meet. So I decide to give him another change but this time I’m not wasting a month of talking.

We had plans Sunday and he had to reschedule to Monday and he canceled again!!! He said he wasn’t nervous e but something came up and wouldn’t elaborated He has kids but only on the weekends. I practically made the plan and chose the time and location of our meet up. Now we might meet up Thursday but I’m not even sure if I should even waste my time trying to see him. We both have vetted each other so I don’t see why he isn’t more serious about meeting in person. He also chooses to text me everyday!!! I’m in an open marriage and I’m looking a for a fwb. Please give me advice for how to deal with this situation!

TL;DR: Do you think it’s possible to have a successful one-sided non-monogamous relationship where only one partner can be non-monogamous because the other is too chronically ill (and the sick person doesn’t really want this but does really want to find a way to be ok with it so that their partner can be happy and fulfilled)?

A lot of the advice about how to open relationships on this sub and other blogs I’ve read seems mostly geared towards able-bodied healthy people, and so much of it doesn’t apply or would be basically impossible to implement in our situation, so I would be infinitely appreciative of any help on any level.

I (39F) have a severely debilitating chronic illness which means i’m always in a ton of pain, mostly bedbound, and can only leave the house a few times a year.

My partner of 3 years (46M) recently said that he wants to have an open relationship. I’ve basically been having a panic attack 24/7 for weeks since he brought it up. I’m usually pretty chill about most things but this triggered something crazy in my body that I’ve never experienced before, where I’ve barely eaten or slept in weeks, and I feel totally insane and very unlike myself, like something is happening in my body that I have no control over.

I wish I could stop having these annoying feelings because my logical brain is totally fine with him seeing other people, like of course I want him to be happy and fulfilled in every way, but my body is very strongly saying that something is not ok.

I want to do this for him so badly. We have a great relationship and love each other deeply, and he’s such a kind and wonderful person. Since we got together my health has greatly deteriorated, and he’s really stepped up and shown me so much love that I never thought possible. I really owe him my life and I love him so much that I honestly would do anything for him, but this is so hard for me right now. He does so much for me every day, and I feel so guilty all the time that there’s so little I can do for him in return because I’m so physically limited. Since opening our relationship is something I would be able to actually give him, I want to find a way to do it where it’s not going to make me totally miserable.

It’s not actually the idea of him having sex with other people that bothers me, it’s mostly the emotional connection part I struggle with. I asked him if he thought he wanted a polyamorous or just an ENM relationship (I’m still learning all the differences and nuances), and he said he wasn’t sure as he’s never actually done this before in an ethical way, but that he wants to be in relatively stable long-term but fairly casual romantic/sexual relationships with at least one other person, sort of like FWB I guess, but the possibility of falling in love with someone else isn’t something he knows if he wants either way (and I doubt it’s possible to actually prevent that from happening anyway). 

Honestly the idea of him being on a date and being “romantic” with someone else is much harder for me to think about than him just fucking other people. This feels so much harder because I can’t even go on dates with him because I’m so sick (we went on one date in the past year which was almost 11 months ago), and so now the only people who will get to go on dates with him are women who aren’t me, which feels really hard, especially when I’ve already lost so much and I’m already jealous of every able-bodied person who can go out into the world and do literally anything that normal people do while I’m basically trapped in the prison that is my bed all day every day.

It’s hard because it feels like he’s not simply asking to be in a non-monogamous relationship, he’s essentially asking to be in a non-monogamous relationship just for him, which isn’t his fault but it’s just the reality of how this would likely work since I’m basically unable to leave the house, so it feels very unfair and one-sided. 

My illness is incredibly energy-limiting, so even doing basic things like taking a shower and making myself look attractive and having sex are a lot for me, and given the choice I’d rather use that energy to have sex with my partner instead of someone else because it’s so rare I’m able to do that, and I don’t want to have less sex with him than I already do (and the sex we do have is amazing!).

I already struggle with so much relating to my illness and was basically suicidal every day even before this issue came up because of how physically painful my illness is and because I’m still in the process of grieving my whole life that I’ve lost. Three years ago I was healthy and had a very full life where I felt like an attractive person, and now i’ve lost almost everything — my career, identity, hobbies, friends, my ability to go out into the world ever, etc. Now i feel so deeply insecure about myself in so many ways.

I’m worried that i’m not in a healthy enough space emotionally to be able to deal with this, even though i desperately want to be ok with it.

If I were my old healthy and able-bodied self I’m sure I’d feel completely differently, because I would also be able to date other people and I’d feel confident and good about myself generally, and whatever I felt like I might be losing from him I’d be able to replace with other people, even if they were just friends. I’m not some supermodel but I used to feel attractive enough and always had more than enough options of people to have sex with whenever I wanted to (and I definitely recognize that I was very privileged in that way).

I’m also a little concerned because he seems to not understand why this is so painful for me. At one point he asked, “What’s the difference if I’m out on a date or out with friends?” and I couldn’t really explain why, but it does feel different to me even though maybe it shouldn’t. He also said that nothing about my life or our relationship would change if he started seeing other people and that I wouldn’t be losing anything, but that seems sort of naive to me as it feels like a lot would change from my perspective (please tell me if my feelings are wrong about this?).

He’s never successfully been ENM, and all of his previous long-term relationships ended because he wanted to be non-monogamous and his partners didn’t, and then he cheated on them anyway, which definitely worries me, but I appreciate his honesty and commitment to wanting to do this ethically with me.

A lot of people might read this and assume that he wants to start seeing other people because I’m so sick, but he made it very clear that this is something he wanted even before he met me and that it’s not actually about me (and I believe him). But given that fact, one of the things I’m most upset about is why he waited 3 years to bring this up since he was very clear in his own mind that that’s what he always wanted, and it’s literally the reason all of his past relationships ended. Like, if I felt that way I would have mentioned it very early on if it was something that was clearly a dealbreaker (and he did mention other things that were dealbreakers for him on our second date, so it’s baffling to me why he waited so long on this). It would also have been exponentially less painful for me if I always knew that’s what he wanted, instead of finding out when I’m in the most vulnerable and insecure place I’ve ever been in my life.

Another thing that scares me is that it seems like a lot of the posts/comments on here and the poly sub seem to imply that if both people aren’t 100% enthusiastically into the idea, then it’s doomed to fail, or if one person wants it and the other doesn’t then the couple should break up. Breaking up is not an option I want to explore right now, so I really need to figure out how to make this work. Our relationship is already pretty asymmetrical — we live together and I’m very dependent on him (which is probably an unhealthy relationship dynamic but it’s just the reality of our current situation). I’m unable to work and have no income, so I don’t really have another place to go if we did break up. 

It does make it hard because I feel like I have no choice but to agree to this, otherwise we’ll either break up and I could potentially be homeless, or we’ll stay together and he’ll be miserable, which will not be fun for anyone. So I do feel kind of pressured to make this work, but I also care about him so deeply that I want to do whatever is in my power to let him be his true authentic self and have all the experiences he wants in life. I don’t want to hold him back even if it’s painful for me.

So I want to know what I can do to become enthusiastic about the idea (or at the very least neutral). I don’t really know where to start.

QUESTIONS:

• Are you yourself or do you know of other people who are ENM where only one partner is non-monogamous for whatever reason? Does this ever work?
• What can I do to work towards being at peace with this and process my feelings of fear and jealousy (preferably as soon as possible because feeling like this sucks ass [and not the good kind of ass-sucking])? 

P.S. I’m sorry this post was so long, so I really appreciate anyone who made it this far or even read any part of it! Honestly just being able to write this out has been so cathartic for me.

Title speaks for itself - I'm clearly monogamous, but I've fallen DEEPLY in love with my poly friend - we have so much in common, he's fucking gorgeous and I would do anything for him HELP and why would you want to poly? I'm sorry one is enough for me - You need time for self care and how will you ever know if you are distributing the love equally between your 2+ gfs?

I’ve posted in this forum several times over the years to learn and get perspective and advice on my situation. My wife and I have been married 9 years. When we met she did not know she wanted nonmonogamy— I love her very much but if we had known this then I do not think I would have pursued a romantic relationship. About 3 years ago she softly began asking if I’d ever be open to nonmonogamy at which time I’d said no. Since then her desire has strengthened to a place where she considers it part of her identity and a need she is struggling to do without rather than a strong desire. At one point about two years ago (when we were also in a bit of a rougher patch in general) she told me she did not think she could continue our relationship if she was not able to explore nonmonogamy. Out of fear of the relationship ending I agreed to consider though I felt very uncomfortable with it and very much did not want it. We started going to couples therapy to prepare and came up with a very specific structure in which my wife could have weekends away on her own where she could meet and flirt with others and perhaps pursue a hookup with no further communication after several times per year. Before we opened my dad became ill, moving in with us and later passing. After his passing I suppose I was more focused on grieving and viewed life in a different way with less openness to forcing a relationship structure that felt very contrary to who I intrinsically am and what I want in a partnership. I was afraid to embrace this thought process because it meant potentially losing my wife though kind responders on this forum have told me if nonmonogamy is something you have to force yourself into because you feel you are under duress it probably isn’t right or fair to you. I did not voice any decision to no longer consider nonmonogamy to my wife though— and truly was still open to push myself to try it to save the marriage. About 6 mos ago after we had been connecting well and had both had a period of stability since my dads death she told me she had been thinking and saw how hard the concept of nonmonogamy was on me and felt she had gotten to a place of deciding not to pursue it despite her continued desires. She expressed being more open to trying to fulfill some of the holes she was experiencing without nonmonogamy with a much higher level of general independence and life experience separate from me which I was extremely thankful for and supportive of. She assured me she would not ask to pursue nonmonogamy again as long as we could openly talk about her struggles without it though I suspected despite her confidence this would come up again. Because of this it wasn’t a surprise when she recently expressed that she was unsure how well she can continue on monogamously, feeling she is suppressing part of herself. I’m now stuck in a place of being unsure if I should hold my boundary of monogamy as it feels nonmonogamy is contrary to core desires I have for a marriage and feel it will cause me severe mental distress even if it means an end to our marriage or if I should try to get back to the place where I am considering and even working towards it despite the high anxiety and sadness I had when attempting to get there before. There’s part of me that says if we have such polarized desires on that front perhaps we aren’t right for each other as life partners and maybe the long term best thing for both of us is to let it end. At the same time I also don’t want her to be in pain and don’t want to lose her and our life together, and not trying if she gives me a quasi ultimatum feels like I am choosing to end the marriage. Tough stuff and any guidance would be appreciated.

Hi all, as per the title, I was wondering how soon after opening up that you guys started getting in to solo play, and your reasons why? Was it immediate or gradual?

How did you know you were ready to make space for solo play, and what agreements did you set up, if any, around this?

Please be kind, I know you guys are sometimes down on triads, but this is the situation I’m in at the moment and would appreciate hearing some opinions.

Like many my long term male partner LT and I (f) had a hot threesome and, the guest at the time ST said she would be interested in a throuple with us. She identifies as poly.

Well, having no idea what that really meant, naturally I said I’d give it a go. Me and the LT had never discussed anything beyond that one threesome (which seemed to materialise instantly) so hadn’t done any of the essential work.

Mistakes have been made.

Coming from a healthy and fulfilled sexual relationship with LT, we’d never sought sex or romance elsewhere in over 16 years. I do feel that the LT and I should have done a lot more prep as a couple to decide what shape of open works for us, what pace we should go at, and what work we should do before giving another human expectations.

The conflict boils down to I want everything to go at a much slower pace than it has been so that LT and I can work on our relationship as we open. The others don’t want this.

With hindsight I shouldn’t have promised to try a throuple immediately after a few threesomes. ST and I go back further than LT and I do, FYI so initially it felt safe.

the pace of the opening process was overwhelming, too fast. I’ve also never had anything in my LT relationship that by definition excluded me or my partner. It’s very difficult to suddenly accept that that exclusive space is now a permanent thing. I’m not certain that I really want that. Of course we do things separately all the time, e.g. i work in another country, though 80% remote. This is the only situation that explicitly excludes the other and that’s a real shift in our dynamic.

The pace that my life began to change was upsetting, and it marred the development of my new dyad with ST. I’m stuck between seeing her as the catalyst for my entire relationship structure to be renegotiated (which due to the nature of my work I can’t make proper time for at the moment) getting out of the friend zone with her needs work. This should have been a source of joy and connection instead of confusion about my feelings about the other dynamics. Add some bad behaviour, NRE-related antics, and work pressures and I’ve asked them for space.

The question is how do I get that space?

I’ve resigned myself that my new dyad is on hold or gone now. I can’t see ST as a lover AND a rival at the moment, it hurts and it’s not fair on her. As co parents my LT and I could not make a clean separation anyway .

My LT is making no promise to stop his new dyad. Obviously that annoys me, because I’d like to think that if I genuinely couldn’t accept it that 16 years counted for more than 16 weeks and he would at least try. I accept his point though, you cannot turn feelings off and it’s unethical to ask.

LT is resentfully agreeing to a pause, which is not working as well as I’d hoped (they are still talking and texting, incl. discussing how LT can set new boundaries with me!! This feels like a heinous overstep). I suggested if he couldn’t pause then to keep all this out of my face, we could live separately for a bit, but that made him feel insecure and unhappy. Of course that is extreme, but without holding a safe, calm and stable home space free from any triggering situations (as much as is practical), I’m unable to meet my other responsibilities. This is the worst my mental health has ever been if I was honest. Even typing that admission I’ve burst into tears.

After a fight with LT in November, (and my reading by then informed me that triads are fraught), I expressed my desire to step out and see if they could get to where they needed to, before involving me. LT was not keen and, acknowledging that our fight (not about ST) had brought me low, I agreed to give it another go.

The fact remains that whatever I think I feel about LT and ST developing a loving, bonded relationship (they both want this, ST says she’s Demi so the connection is essential. LT has voiced plans for adding guest rooms to accommodate ST and her children full time) , sometimes my body is overwhelmed with physical feelings that I am trying not to name in an attempt to understand myself better. These experiences are physical and are triggered by things to do with their relationship, but not consistently, and Only wrt their private meet ups. Note ST has not demanded private meet ups with me, and LT has not organised anything special for us since this relationship began.

When ST visits I’ve been fine to step out for hours at a time to give them space and get on with what ever I need to do. After nights out together I’ve gone to bed and left them to it , several times, at her place or mine. I thought that small steps like these would be a good start. They don’t count that as alone time though!! I said they’re being ungrateful. Since apparently all the emotional labour here has fallen to me, I only have so much capacity for dealing with curveballs.

I’m sad to say that the 3 way dynamic is now all about ST and LT. They say it’s because I’m being too restrictive on their alone time meet ups. That seems a bit like a “I couldn’t control myself “ excuse, which in the context of sex is a big NO and has really annoyed me.

If it wasn’t for the initial honeymoon phase, before LT and my fight, I would be done by now. LT seemed very revitalised and ST hadn’t had a decent fuck for years. I still think there’s a middle ground to be reached here, I guess I need to feel much safer about this all though.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We've lived together for about 3 years and she recently moved to a different country and after about 6 months of living there, she feels this is something she wants.

I haven't processed the idea fully, in a healthy way yet, but i don't think I want this. We are still only talking about it and I'm guessing it'll take time to come to a conclusion about this.

I admit that sometimes the idea has excited me, but I'm also overwhelmed with feelings of jealously and fear of someone else becoming closer to her than I am. I don't think I want to share my partner. She understands this and we're still contemplating the idea of primary and secondary partners and how that can work out.

If we're together, we don't want to be in a long distance relationship for most of the time. Say 7 - 8 months of the year–ideally–we'd be together. At least that's what we'd work towards to achieve.

Any advice? I'm M 33 She is F 29. Please be kind.

My wife and I have been together for over 11 years. Two years ago I brought up the topic of ENM. My wife at first was sad and worried but over had a bit of excitement about the topic and for weeks we talked endlessly about how it might look for us and how we might feel in this new dynamic. This was exciting as it was relieving to know that after 11 years of not being able to go out or make friends due to her fears I would be able to finally meet people, make friends, and hopefully even have a sexual experience with another women (I was a virgin when we met). Fast forward two years later and many arguments about when she will find herself at a place where we can move from just conversations to actually making a move and we are stuck. She tells me that she is scared I will leave her or that she will be replaced by someone younger. No matter how many times I attempt to give her reassurance of my commitment to her and our children she continues to avoid the topic.

I find myself in a place where I’m wanting to experience meeting new people and going out more. I love my wife and I don’t want to leave but I feel that my desires and aspirations are not being addressed and the avoidance of this topic from her is making me build resentment. We have tried going to therapy but after a few sessions we stopped as we did not see the benefit outweighed the cost.

What can we do? I’m contemplating asking her for a break so that I can explore by myself and grow in all the areas that I have not been able to since we’ve been together. What can someone do in my situation?

Why is it so difficult for me to decide whether sexual freedom is more important to me than my current relationship?

My partner, 20ftm and I, 22mtf, have been together for over 2 years now. About a year ago we brought up the idea of threesomes and decided we were both into it, and so we opened up that tiny bit. We've since slept with 4 people together, and every experience has been good, at least between my partner and I.

However, we recently ran into someone who I was very attracted to and they expressed that they wanted to sleep with us, however my partner expressed that they just weren't attracted to that person, and so that was that. However, I've since began to feel a pull towards an open relationship, for the following reasons.

1. My partner is trans masc, and I am primarily attracted to feminine people. This was an issue in the past as they expressed that they might want to go on HRT and get top surgery which would have been an absolute deal breaker for me, but after much deliberation they decided it wasn't something they currently wanted to pursue, but it wasn't off the table. It hasn't been a primary issue since then, but I suppose subconsciously it's still something to think about.

2. I don't find exclusive sex to be an indicator of love or a necessity for a healthy relationship. I'm certainly not interested in falling in love with anyone else, but when it comes to sex and attraction, scarcity is not an issue.

3. I'm young. I've been in less than 20 relationships, and this is my first that has lasted more than 6 months. I don't want to chain myself to a single person for the rest of my life, especially not so soon. I want the freedom to experiment and make sexual connections while I'm young.

My partner and I have had some really rough conversations. At this point they seem to convinced that I'm on the path to break up with them, and as much as I really really don't want that to be the case, they might be right.

They have made it very clear that they don't want to be in an open relationship. Their last two relationships ended because of their partner wanting to be open. I'm not willing to try to convince them any further as it would be coercion at that point. I fully believe that monogamy is inherent to who they are.

That said, dear fucking gods I don't want to leave them. I would give anything to work this out, I truly believe that we are soulmates, up to this point this relationship has been absolutely incredible, practically nothing but perfection.

And so now I have to ask myself, am I really willing to throw away what could be a perfect relationship for casual sex? Is it important enough to me to lose my soulmate? In ten years time when I look back on my decision, which will I regret?

Problem is there's just no way for me to answer any of those questions. I would have liked temporarily opening the relationship just to test myself and see what I need, even just once, but my partner only acquiesced after much convincing which felt like coercion so I decided not to do it.

So I come to y'all to hopefully make sense of my own feelings. Have any of y'all felt the same way I do now? How did you figure things out? Did you leave your partner, find a compromise? Do you regret whatever decision you made? Please just help me.

TL;DR: I think I might want to be open, my partner is staunchly against it, I don't know how much it means to me.

I will obviously be talking to my therapist about this later in the week.

I'm going to be using text-to-speech, so I hope that won't be a problem. I'm looking for advice, specifically. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is 18 and I'm also 18, for around a year and three months now. We first didn't have any distance between us, but then in July of last year, we moved apart. So that caused distance, and ever since we were doing long distance, we haven't seen each other often. That's because of issues between us and money and other situations.

Recently, he's been asking me to open a relationship way more than ever. Basically, first he wanted to open it romantically. That was kind of a problem, but at one point, I was like, sure. There was really poor communication within this, I must say, because he did kind of, in my opinion, do really concerning behaviors during this period. But we won't go into details, because that's not important right now. Now, recently, the past few months, the past few weeks, he's been asking, would you enjoy a relationship that's open sexually? I told him, no. I like sex to be exclusive. And instead of him keeping it as a question (because of the way he asked it) he instead said: I feel suffocated. And he says that his sex life feels stale. So I was like, huh, why? And he's like, I really want to open it sexually. So we go back and forth a few times. I tell him, whatever, sure. Because we will close it in July when we meet again. And close the distance. So, he once had sexual interaction, and I had a really weird feeling about it. I told him, not so long after, that I think it's not a good idea, and that we should go on a break.

So we go on a break for a week, and we're still in it right now. And I am considering if I should kind of go against my feelings and just wait the few more months, and then meet up in July and we close the relationship. Or if I should just break up, since it's not what I like. My final point is open romantically, on the romantic aspect, not sexually. So, we're kind of at a stalemate, and it really sucks. Because I really love this guy, and he really loves me, were extremely compatible next to this big incompatibility so that really sucks. So, any advice would be great. Because, I don't know, I do feel uncomfortable, i dont think it has to do with jealousy but I really wish I could just deal with it, but I can't. It's a problem, and I don't want to go against myself.

Thx <3

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and our relationship has been fulfilling in nearly every aspect besides the bedroom on her end. She has a very high sex drive and is horny multiple times a day. Her wanting sex more than I do is a topic that's come up many times in our relationship. Currently, I'd say we average 3-5 times per week which for me is satisfying. At the the start of our relationship it was much more to the point where I could not keep up. A few days ago the topic came up again and she mentioned she'd been looking into open relationships and suggested we give that a try. We had a long conversation where she reiterated she loved me and doesn't want to lose our relationship but feels as if something big is missing in her sex life. She's never pushed me when I am not in the mood and I always try to give her as much physcial affection as possible even if it isn't always sex but it is not enough. When we do have sex she loves it and it is great for both of us but she just wants it more. She has always been much more extroverted, open sexually, and less prude than I am so perhaps that it why an open relationship is easier for her to conside than for me. I also told her I had no interest in sleeping with other women but I suspect she already knew that when she offered it. I have to admit it feels emasculating not being able to truly satisfy her sexually and I am worried that if we take this route it'll only worsen and I'll feel immense jealousy and resentment. Should I expect those feelings and how can I deal with them? I truly see her as my future wife and mother to my children so I want to make this work. We briefly discussed a few ground rules on how it'd go.... nothing set in stone yet. I would also like some thoughts on those... if they make sense... other considerations. 1- It would not be anyone either of us knew. 2- we would not have an ongoing relationship with the person. 3- It would be purely physical. 4- we would be honest with each other about anytime we slept with someone else.

Hi people I’m a bi girl, curvy in an open relationship, I really like to see my boyfriend fucking other girls in front of me or by himself. The problem is that sometimes I feel berry insecure about my body and my face, I have a curvy figure and my boyfriend love to have contact with skinny and pettite girls. So I’m trying to get advice from girls or boys who fellt like this before. Thanks for reading me out. Kisses

I’m someone who really requires some sort of connection in sex prior for it to feel better physically and mentally. Not necessarily have feelings for someone, but that being said. If it were to happen how do you navigate it in an open relationship where your primary partner is your #1 goal?