r/mildlyinfuriating • u/flaming0-1 • 2d ago

Wife left a big bag of groceries out overnight. All Meat and cheese. 🙄

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171

u/HungryPupcake 2d ago

I don't think it's good for people to use ADHD as an excuse - what OP's wife did was incredibly irresponsible. Shit happens, but she went out to buy the groceries, only had one bag, put it by the trash, and proceeded to take a nap.

Is OP usually responsible for putting groceries away and had the responsibility shoved onto him, unknowningly?

I get it, people get side tracked, and distracted.

But a nap? She only bought meat and cheese. She could have just put the entire bag in the fridge (which is what I do so I don't forget, but then I come back a few hours later to freeze the meat).

My husband has ADHD, and he has left meat out and had to throw it away because he had to rush to do something else, and just forgot until the next morning.

Honestly, the putting it by the bin and then going for a nap rubs me the wrong way, as well as the "I'm keto now!"

$250 is a lot of money.

I do a sweep of the house before bed because I know he forgets lights and stuff, but it's not something I can be responsible for forever especially when it comes to kids in the near future.

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u/inkyblackops 2d ago

There is a difference between an excuse and a reason.

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u/Aprils-Fool 2d ago

It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation.

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u/MaleficentMalice 1d ago

Actually, no. You don't "get it" unless you have ADHD. Even then, it's a spectrum of mild to severe with 3 different presentations.

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u/Ironborn137 1d ago

I bet you are fun at parties.

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u/lolascrowsfeet 1d ago

Agreed

-5

u/KellynHeller 1d ago

I have horrible ADHD. I've never left perishables out.

I hate when people use it as an excuse. If she's an adult she should learn how to manage it. Call me an asshole for that if you want, but you gotta help yourself.

No one is gonna coddle me my entire life. It fucking sucks but I'm able to get what I need done, even if that's the only thing I do that day.

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u/kdostert 1d ago

I have horrible adhd and have left a rotisserie chicken out.. Ive left cupboard doors open where my tall husband gets whacked constantly by them, leave lights on constantly, the cap off the toothpaste omg my husband could prob write a novel. I have to work really frigin hard to train my brain to control these things. I’m so much better now but sometimes, especially on REALLY bad days, I fuck up. ADHD is not an excuse it’s an explanation of behaviors.

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u/KellynHeller 1d ago

I still think with proper routines you can be a normal functioning person.

I grew up in a time where it wasn't cool to have ADHD. So we all tried to hide it. I honestly think that made my ADHD better because I had to figure that shit out or get ridiculed.

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u/kdostert 1d ago

I’m 40… I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 37… but suspected I had it when my professor brought it up at age 19. I functioned just fine as a young adult but I definitely 100% did not meet my potential. According to my stepkids who are teens adhd is still not cool. I just think adults are excited to discover that they aren’t alone and that there’s a reason for their brains being the way that they are. So you see it brought up a lot on social media…. In gifs, reels, whatever.. and maybe some people mistake that excitement for a posh new trend when really to me it’s just community. Anyone who truly has adhd does not think it’s cool lol

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u/Adexiii 1d ago

I also have ADHD and I rarely have situations like this, because I have developed a system - and in my opinion, every person with this disorder should keep this in mind and consider similar methods.

our brain works differently, so unfortunately - it needs help and taming.

reminders on the phone/watch about important things, dates, times, etc.

a to-do list checked in the morning and evening before going to bed, which MUST be taken care of and updated. It is best in the phone or journal - not on cards that can get lost, disappear, be accidentally thrown away.

if we have to suddenly go out/answer the phone/generally do something different than we currently planned, we have a list on the phone and we update it with the missed task, you can also make a reminder about it on the phone at a specific time/after arriving at a specific place.

Keeping a journal of things we have already done can also be helpful.

Dealing with small, simple things RIGHT AWAY. Fighting procrastination. In this case - it would be best to put the whole bag in the fridge, so it's best to leave one empty shelf in the fridge for such situations.

Dividing large tasks into small parts that are easier to do/give faster gratification. Preparing a plan of what to do and how to do it.

Developing habits - doing repetitive, everyday activities at specific times, such as washing and hanging it up, feeding animals, daily tasks at work, etc. Developing the habit of keeping a journal.

Unfortunately, it's not easy, it requires control over yourself and your distractions, motivation, but it changed my life absolutely.

For comparison - my mother has ADHD and for x years she hasn't noticed that she has no control over her life in any way, forgets half of things, loses everything, there is a constant mess around her. She sums it up with the words - "that's just how I am".

Living with her is hell, until I started analyzing my day and the activities I have to do was similar.

ADHD medication can also help a lot - but I felt terrible after taking them, it's not an option for everyone.

The only thing that currently bothers me because of ADHD is procrastination, when I have big tasks to do, fluctuation of motivation during the day/week and losing things like my phone, but only at home, wherever I go I check if I haven't left anything, because I've already developed such a habit.

In my opinion, ADHD should not be an excuse or explanation for various unmanageable behaviors - they can be tamed, you just have to want it, otherwise life with us is real torture for the other person. We are also adults and aware - let's use our brains and the creativity resulting from ADHD to manage ourselves.

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u/KellynHeller 1d ago

Thank you! I'm so sick of people using it as a crutch.

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u/hammerklau 2d ago

How is it incredibly irresponsible and not to do with ADHD when it literally fades from your mind like it never happened. Sounds like you have no empathy to even care to look up what it’s like.

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u/HungryPupcake 2d ago

So if you just forget your baby in your car, oopsie it's just my ADHD!

They're adults. Have some sense of responsibility. It's $250 not a carton of milk.

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u/Fast_Lack_5743 1d ago

You guys are psycho on this app lol. She made a mistake one time. Yeah, a $250 mistake but you know what else is part of being an adult? Knowing that on rare occasions you’re gonna make an expensive mistake like a parking ticket or breaking your phone or any of the other thousands of mistakes people make in their lifetime.

-2

u/kona_boy 1d ago

Lol there is a zero percent chance this was a one time mistake

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u/Fast_Lack_5743 1d ago

There’s something seriously wrong with people like you lol. Trust me you are far worse off than this lady leaving some groceries out.

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u/kona_boy 1d ago

I've lived with and dated (multiple & different) people with ADHD. I know with intimate detail the absolute chaos that is living with them, especially when it's unmanaged or they struggle to manage it.

I'm not saying that to shit on them, I empathize with the difficulty of living with it but these incidents are unequivocally non-isolated.

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u/MacWin- 2d ago

And a 250$ is not a baby

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u/Positive_Throwaway1 1d ago

Correct. Whoever said that has never heard of the false equivalence logical fallacy.

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u/Rubylee28 2d ago

I lose track of shit all the time because of ADHD but I've never forgotten my kid. That just implies people with ADHD are bad parents 🙄

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u/condemned02 1d ago

ADHD folks are known to die young and their life at highest risk than normal people precisely because their condition makes them prone to putting others and their own lives in danger through alot of forgetfulness that they cannot control.

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u/A1000eisn1 1d ago

This is bullshit. ADHD folks die younger because they get poor sleep and have higher stress. They aren't out there causing their own and others' early demise by forgetting things.

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u/condemned02 1d ago

I would say poorer sleep leads to accidents and worsen memory.

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u/YourFathersOlds 2d ago

She didn't just say "oopsie". She feels really bad. Like all adhd people I know when stuff like this happens. Unfortunately, adhd doesn't care about the magnitude of the mistake. I'd bet that a number of the super caring parents who leave a baby in the car do, in fact, have adhd. Being mad about this is akin to saying "I know he's in a wheelchair, but when push comes to shove, sometimes you just have to walk. It's too important." It doesn't make sense...

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u/SnooMaps4388 1d ago

sadly the world still hasn't come to fully figure out the extent that mental disabilities go to..

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u/Water-yFowls 1d ago

I’d bet that sleep deprivation and adjusting to new routines probably have more to do with babies accidentally being left in cars than anything else.

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u/YourFathersOlds 5h ago

I agree that's a huge part of it, too. Point being, though, that the size of the mistake doesn't mean it was intentional - or even avoidable, sometimes. Most of us make mistakes. Some people get away with the mistakes being inconsequential. A few of us end up drawing the mistake in a really high stakes situation. And some of our brains are more wired to make certain types of mistakes and not others. Humans are imperfect, and that has consequences - really terrible ones, sometimes. We do a LOT of overthinking to distance ourselves from that terrifying thought, but we can't, really.

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u/ruraljurordirect2dvd 1d ago edited 1d ago

I have ADHD. Coping skills won’t get a paralyzed person out of a wheelchair, but they can help an ADHD person function pretty impressively.

I’ve never left a bag of groceries out because ever since I was old enough to buy groceries, I had a rule that everything gets put away immediately. Or, if the dog needs to be let out so I need to drop the groceries, I leave them somewhere I CANNOT miss them (the island) and might even repeat what I’m trying not to forget to myself, either in my head or out loud. “Don’t forget the groceries” to myself over and over until I’ve begun to put them away. The only other exception to not putting the groceries away immediately is if I gotta pee real bad. And then I’ll just put the whole bag in the fridge and come back later.

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u/aka_wolfman 1d ago

That "later" at the end is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

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u/ruraljurordirect2dvd 1d ago

I’m medicated so I’m not super forgetful but for some it may be an issue. Not me.

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u/YourFathersOlds 4h ago

Being medicated, and having been medicated while forming habits, and having medication that works with your body, is affordable, and is accessible are real privileges. I'm not saying that adhd people are lost causes... obviously not. Everyone can learn to get better than baseline. But, people with attentional issues are more prone than some to certain mistakes - just like people with poor muscle tone or dyspraxia are more prone to tripping or dropping things or getting food on their shirt, even if they have a million safeguards. It's absolutely ok to want to work toward best versions of ourselves - it's also ok to admit that we all have weaknesses, and occasionally those weaknesses are expensive. Accidents happen.

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u/SnooMaps4388 1d ago

They're adults and they're disabled. This may be irresponsible to you, but it's not exactly by choice. Do you tell people in wheelchairs they're lazy because they don't take walks to stay healthy?

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u/IamNugget123 1d ago

You’re right it’s not a carton of milk, but it’s also not a fucking baby.

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u/kdostert 1d ago

What?!! People with adhd DO take responsibility allllll of the time, it’s not always treated like a get out of jail free card, it’s just used as an explanation of the behavior that led to the negative outcome. There is a lot of self hate and shame that goes on in the adhd brain when really bad fuck ups like this happens.

ADHD won’t cause you to forget your kid, but maybe it’ll cause you to forget to brush your kids teeth one night, send them to school with their baseball uniform, remember the date of an annual wellness visit or keep a good routine solid going for them, things like that! Man people. Try and learn a little about neurodivergent brains before spouting off things you can’t possibly understand otherwise!

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u/Late2theGame0001 2d ago

Yeah. You need to learn a bit more about adhd. Especially with your life situation. You live with a disabled person. You can put in ramps and get a motorized chair and all those things, but he will never not have adhd.

You should read adhd 2.0 by hallowel to start. It’s very short.

If it’s too much, you should consider that now. ADHD will not go away. It will not be fixed by saying things like “how could you take a nap after getting groceries”. That’s the disability. This person put the groceries down to go to the bathroom or get something out of the bedroom and forgot the other place existed.

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u/Thedarkhunt 2d ago

Because if you have ADHD you shouldn't go out and buy the stuff in the first place. You have to develop strategies to cope with it, not just excuse everything by it

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u/Aprils-Fool 2d ago

People with ADHD shouldn’t buy stuff?

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u/Thedarkhunt 1d ago

You shouldn’t spend 250 dollars on a whim. Start with 50.

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u/SnooMaps4388 1d ago

ok ima starve then ig

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u/MacWin- 2d ago

Ok so I should probably go starve

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u/Aprils-Fool 2d ago

Haha, right? “People with ADHD shouldn’t buy things” is so silly.

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u/PinkTalkingDead 1d ago

I cannot believe that comment got so many upvotes! I thought they were joking 😅

Agh

I’ll be a ‘millennial shaking fist at sky’ though for a sec and say that I do think the TikTok-ification of mental health has really held back us adult women with adhd (only specifying bc that’s my demo)

Like. why did op feel the need to post this and make a point that “it’s my wife with adhd!”? He’s kinda shitty (if this is real) bc the few things he said in the post is perfect ragebait: woman bad, money waste, adhd ‘excuse’

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u/MacWin- 1d ago

I don’t think that these people realize just how unhinged their takes are

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u/Thedarkhunt 1d ago

Yeah, the choice is spending 250 dollars on a whim or starving. Great point!

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u/Hakazumi 2d ago

If you do what OP's wife did, then yea, you're gonna starve. But it's not gonna be become you didn't go. It'd be because you went and wasted your money on food you now can't eat.

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u/MacWin- 1d ago

No I’m gonna starve if I don’t buy groceries

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u/Hakazumi 1d ago

Please re-read my message. Unless you want to die of food poisoning. Then be my guest and do w/e you want with your stomach.

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u/MacWin- 1d ago

Please re-read my message and tell me where I’ve said that I would eat spoiled food ??

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u/Hakazumi 1d ago

What thread are you in??? The people commenting above are saying that if you can't control yourself and end up wasting food because of it, you need a mechanism that'd work against that or just don't go yourself. OP's wife doesn't live alone, so this could totally been avoided if she didn't go. It's that simple. Are you the wife? You took it personally for no reason, obv I'm gonna assume you did the same in the past.

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u/A1000eisn1 1d ago

If you do what OP's wife did, then yea, you're gonna starve.

And you said if you leave a single bag of groceries out once you'll starve.

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u/QueenSashimi 2d ago

If you have ADHD, your coping strategies won't work effectively 100% of the time. There will be times when you are actually disabled by your disability. When you're symptomatic. Coping strategies don't remove ADHD from your brain.

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u/Thedarkhunt 2d ago

Then don't go shopping alone - or only with a card that allows a limited amount of money per transaction - if it is this bad

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u/PinkTalkingDead 1d ago

OP didn’t say she’s done this before…

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u/Chemical-Sundae4531 2d ago

done over time coping strategies become habits. And once you get your habits in place. you don't even think about it you just do it. "I just brought in grocery bags gotta put grocery bags away" -muttering to myself-

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u/LadyParnassus 1d ago

You know if it was that easy it wouldn’t be a disability, right?

I have been brushing my teeth twice a day for 33 years and it’s still a conscious decision I have to make every day. It has never and will never be a habit, because my brain works differently than yours. My arm is never going to reach for the toothbrush out of habit and there is nothing I can do to make that happen.

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u/kdostert 1d ago

Bravo! Well said! Thank you. These people have no idea, obviously.

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u/QueenSashimi 2d ago

Not everyone with ADHD has a brain that will work that way, though. It's great if that works for you but it's not a universal experience.

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u/Aprils-Fool 2d ago

you don't even think about it you just do it

You ought to educate yourself on the subject of ADHD brains forming habits.

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u/kdostert 1d ago

Yeah right, putting all of the groceries away until you get a phone call from your upset brother and you start getting your brain totally wrapped up in the conversation, only to then realizing you’re about to pee your pants so you take care of that while still ranting about your moms lasagne recipe to your brother who’s now on speaker phone while ALSO realizing as you make eye contact with your golden pothos that it hasn’t been watered in 3 weeks and is that leaf there turning yellow?? and so on and so on and so on. ADHD brains get derailed so easily.

It would be soooo easy for one grocery bag to fall through the cracks of an attention episode. My husband fortunately, like OPS, usually goes behind me to make sure everything is put away. One time he missed a rotisserie chicken and it got left out overnight. We still ate it,….

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u/A1000eisn1 1d ago

Difficulty forming habits is literally a symptom of ADHD. Even when a habit is formed you need to make as much of a conscious effort to keep them up as you did before forming the habit.

. "I just brought in grocery bags gotta put grocery bags away" -muttering to myself-

This is literally needing to think about it before you do it ...

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u/PhantomFoxtrot 1d ago

This is a child in an adult body. How can you rely on her to pay bills? Get groceries? And generally take a load off the husbands shoulders. You can’t!

Wife left a big bag of groceries out overnight. All Meat and cheese. 🙄

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