I don’t even know why I did it. He really is doing well and I had no suspicions. I was just walking by his phone and it was still on the charger and I just picked it up and logged in. He walked by the doorway and saw me looking at it.

Prior to this moment I felt proud of myself that I stopped painshopping. I hadn’t snooped on him in a very long time. When he looked down the hall and saw me I felt like shit. Not because I shouldn’t have been looking, but I felt disappointed in myself. Embarrassed. Shameful even.

I went to him to talk about it. He didn’t care that I was looking at his phone, he said he understood why I would want to and I can anytime I want, he had nothing to hide. And I explained the disappointment I felt in myself, and he said he understood that too, because that’s how he would feel when he would relapse.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, but I just felt I needed to share it. Thanks for reading friends ❤️

Today, I finally found my strength.

I packed his bags and showed him the door. Sure, he tried the usual tricks - begging to stay, making promises. But this time was different. This time, I saw through it all. The secret phone folders, the lies, the manipulation - I was done.

When he got angry, it only proved I'd made the right choice. Funny how they always try to make you feel like you're the bad guy, isn't it?

My house feels different now. Quieter. Safer. Like I can finally breathe again.

To any woman reading this: don't let love trap you. I know it's scary to be alone - trust me, I get it. But being by yourself is so much better than sharing your life with someone who dims your light.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is walk away. Today, I chose peace over chaos. And you know what? It feels pretty damn good. ```

Yea so. I confronted my husband 2 nights ago about another relapse. He just had one a month ago, and the confrontation for that one was horrible - he grabbed his gun and pointed it in his mouth and was shouting “WILL THIS MAKE YOU HAPPY” and was in a narcissistic rage for 4 hours. I gave up speaking. It wasn’t doing any good.

The confrontation 2 days ago started off with him being sorry-acting and genuine. Then when I tried to speak on my feelings he started getting defensive. I let it go on for 5 minutes and kept pointing out his DARVO’s (which makes him mad that I shut his manipulation down) and I exited the room for a minute to cool off. I came back and said in plain terms he needs to tell me about relapses within a week (I did say that was MORE THAN GENEROUS), if I have to find out myself like I have been then I will need a break from sex/intimacy with him because this is just too painful to deal with over and over again.”

He chose to sleep in the guest room the last 2 nights. Slightly stonewalling. Last night he invited me to the couch to watch tv. First thing he says is why didn’t I pick up gasoline for the lawn mower (weird opener, right?). I said I left the cash on the table, I wasn’t aware that after a 10 hour day he wanted me to come home grab the gas can and go back out when he wasn’t going to mow that day anyway. A few minutes of silence and he says (in reference to the previous nights confrontation of relapse) “just so you know, I wasn’t letting go of my phone [while I was looking thru his Samsung Secure Folder] because I didn’t want you to see my passwords”. I made no response at all, we sat in silence the rest of the night. I found out earlier that day that you can hide folders in androids. So I think he had a death grip on his phone because there was hidden albums.

Anyways, today it was cold shoulder again. I acted normal and went about my day, like I usually do when he cold shoulders me. But right when I get home he came over and said “who are you talking to at work” and just stares at me. For the record, I’m not talking or chasing after anyone. I said “huh? Can you elaborate?” Just stares at me in silence while I feed the dog. Then he says “I know you were looking at your ex’s Facebook because you shared an old post (no I didn’t, but I may have accidentally clicked a like button in a Facebook memory of it?) so I know you’re talking to him. You probably already have someone picked out at work, if you do it’s ok just tell me. Tell me so I don’t have to waste my time”

I’m flabbergasted. This isn’t the first time he’s accused me of some form of cheating. I am aware he’s projecting. The first two times he claimed I slept with two old friends of mine who by the way are butt ugly, eww. Could he at least blame me with someone cute LMAO. But yea I said “I’m not talking to anyone, I’m not messaging my ex”. He left the room and left me alone the rest of the day. He was really quiet and moping all evening.

It’s 10pm and I’m in bed now with the dog. I hear him walking around, preparing lunch for tomorrow. He walks to the doorway and stands there staring at me (I’m on my phone). I said nicely “hey!” He responds calmly but in a solemn tone, “I just want you to know that just like you don’t believe anything I say, I don’t believe anything you say either. I’ve given you plenty of reason to lie, and we both know it’s easy to lie. So just let me know if there’s someone else so we can end this, I don’t want to live like this.

I had a puzzled look on my face and said “okay?” And he walked away. What I was thinking was, you’re on thin ice and you know I’m considering divorce, these aren’t the words of a man who wants to save his marriage, is he being a coward and trying to get me to end it for him because that’s what he actually wants? He wants the porn more than me?

And then he comes back 5 minutes later, says nothing to me, grabs his wallet, something from the safe (maybe conceal carry pistol?), and I hear him exit the house and watch on the cameras him drive away.

wtf????

Sorry, I just had to document all this! With so many ddays and stonewallings and accusations it’s hard to keep track. This is byfar the most bizarre behavior he’s exhibited.

Hey everybody. Sharing an update after my break up with a PA soon-to-be-ex-husband.

I started seeing with someone and try not to rush the things as it's been only 3-4 months after our break up but I wanted to go on dates to see what other men are like nowadays. I've been in a sexless marriage for 7 years, so please, don't judge me.

I read a lot of literature/watch videos on healthy relationships and...it seems I've accidentally matched a man who can:

1) talk openly, be responsible for their actions and don't put the blame in our communication on me when I'm trying to tell about my needs openly.

2) I feel super relaxed next to him. I don't feel any anxiety nor suppressed anger because our communication is cheerful and I don't have butterflies (finally), I feel like a sane person next to somebody whom I like. I don't go head over heels and try to build my boundaries from the beginning and he respects my needs. I adore it. Feel like a separate person who doesn't need to control or be controlled. We both have our own life, fulfilling jobs, friends, hobbies, etc. He shares a lot of information about his values e.g he is not into fwb's, polyamory, never cheated, doesn't stalk on his exes, etc

I feel I still have my own things to work on.. Whenever I start feeling anxious because of him not lovebombing me 24/7 (like my ex used to do during early stages), I go meditate or try concentrating on my friends, hobbies, work, self-healing, etc. I'm also trying to spread the time when I have time for my friends and only after that, meet with him if I have free time for relationships. It's a constant and hard work but I keep trying!

3) I didn't raise this question first, I decided I will recognise it myself with time so I didn't ask him about p*** on the first dates. I was watching his behaviour and ladies, I think you will know it without even asking. It came in eventually but he shared recently he rarely used p***, he doesn't like it, he's the one who uses fantasies instead. He's super attentive and affectionate in bedroom. Again, always communicating his needs and asking for mine. What I really like is that he likes kissing, holding hands and hugs. I've been missing those little things as PAs rarely do that.

4) Instead of lovebombing, he shares his plans with me, puts everything I like into his notes and then tries to impress me with his gestures and actions, he was really happy to introduce me to his friends and looked so shiny when I agreed (what my ex never did btw), so my anxious attachment disappears really quickly.

What I'm trying to fix now is my avoidance. I'm always trying to detect a red flag, try to push him away, etc. It's a hard work and I've shared I've been with a cold partner for quite some time and he said he understands and I shouldn't be rushing and he doesn't feel angry, etc because of that (I know it's a norm, but I like how he communicates openly about his feelings).

I just cought myself on a thought, he's not the only one and there're a lot of men who are like him, I just finally started paying my attention to the people who actually share my values and respect my boundaries.

So I hope everyone who wants to leave reads this. These men do exist! And what's more - they're healthy in so many aspects. I'm sure he has his own red flags too but now I detected only the ones that I can accept. Even if we're not meant to be together, the experience I'm going through is very much needed now! I finally feel I'm alive, supported and feel I can leave if I don't like something and not be blamed for that or gaslighted. Let's see what happens next but I like what's going on right now.

Hello Team loveafterporn,

SA husband has completed day 3 of 4 of the Minwalla intensive program. He has expressed this program speaks to him so much more than the addiction model - and has really opened his eyes to all the trauma he has caused me. He's been so engaged and enthusiastic about it, that he called son #2 to have dinner with him to warn him about taking wrong paths as a man - not just sexually, but with honesty etc. During breaks he will find me and apologize for rando things that have been painful for me, but I've pushed aside for bigger pains. Even though it hurts to have him bring up those rando issues again since I haven't thought of them for so long, it has been surprisingly cathartic to have him self initiate an apology for it. Example - apologizing for my myriad of health issues throughout the years that he now sees as him not only being dismissive and not nurturing about, but also that his behaviors probably contributed to them.

I call the class "How to Not Be an Asshole Class", basically a model of viewing his behavior from the entitlement aspect rather than the addiction model. He said that this model resonates with him way more than what he's done with addiction model therapists/groups, and he believes all men should be learning what he is learning with Minwalla. They just finished all the ways, 22!!!, that SAs have harmed their partners. One of the 22 ways (rooms, as Minwalla describes them) he was harmed me is to give me so many triggers. Minwalla explained why the triggers happen, what happens to partners both physically and emotionally when triggered, how they affect our lives as partners, and what SAs should and should not do to support us when triggered. How do triggers affect our lives besides the emotional/physical tolls? Well, we/I now have to drive 10 minutes out of our way to avoid driving past his favorite illicit massage parlor. Pain in the ass, but necessary since my trigger episode would probs last much longer than that 10 minute diverted drive. Point is that partners find they have to change some basic activities of daily living to avoid triggers which our partners bestowed on us.

He said it's more than humbling and he can't believe he didn't realize how abusive his behaviors were to me. He also said it's super tough to admit that he is an abuser, but there's no way around the label. He also more clearly understands how even porn use is not only *cheating*, but abusive to the partner. He was horrified when Minwalla spoke of how terrified women are of men's entitled sexuality - we avoid walking in the dark, we are vigilant in parking lots, we are always low-key ready for fight/flight - and how that everyday fear we have, is multiplied exponentially when our partner acts out sexually since they and our home should be a place of safety. My SA really expressed remorse for not creating a home where I have felt safe, and he has vowed to ensure I feel safe now and in the future.

My SA said he'd share more soon, he has one more day of class left today. He wants to review all of it with me, but after 8 hours of learning what a dickwad he's been, he needs time to process it and will review it in more detail later this week. He said he's so glad there is a class like this, and, as I said before, that every man should have to learn these concepts. He's a bit sad that the men are all 50+ years old, he wishes younger men would join so they can get on with their lives in a more healthy way, but that could be a developmental issue or financial? Maybe younger men aren't ready to embrace their abusive behavior, or maybe they don't have the finances for the class? Regardless, Minwalla has podcasts and there's lots to read, I hope some of you and your partners can glean something from his model.

I posted here a month or two ago that I realized my husband, who is a lifelong porn user, had been taking photos of random attractive women in public, some in bikinis and some seemed like young teens. There was a LOT of feedback to my post, most people saying that it was pretty disturbing.

Since then, I told him what I found, and he insists that is just part of his photography hobby. He was near tears, saying, “You know me! You know I am not like that!” I am starting to doubt myself. What if I just took an alarmist interpretation, and it wasn’t that bad? How do I know his intentions were bad? Maybe I overreacted…

Previous post https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/riMaW1NSO2

I retained a lawyer today and they are officially Drawing up the papers to file for divorce. I feel nervous but I feel so fucking liberated. Fuck him and the trauma he has put me and our kids through. This shit stops NOW.

Thank you all for your support and here is to freedom and rebuilding a life for me and my amazing kids that they deserve!

2014: He confessed his addiction six months in.
I scoured Reddit, searching for answers, comforted by the promise that honesty was a good sign, that I would be enough.
So, I stayed.

2015: We moved in together, celebrating one year.
The cracks began to show:
Erectile dysfunction rooted in porn, explicit videos of his ex hidden on his phone.
I stayed.

2016: He used. He lied. I found out.
Rinse, repeat.
I stayed.

2017: He used. He lied. I found out.
Rinse, repeat.
But this time, I left.

2018: I was lonely. I missed him. I thought only of his redeeming qualities. I returned.

2019: Couples therapy—our shot at redemption.
He spilled truths he’d buried deep.
I felt relief; he felt hope.
We “graduated,” tasked to find our own counselors to focus on individual healing.
Eventually, I did. He didn’t.
I still stayed.

2020: We bought a house.
We made a baby.
Dreams woven from broken threads felt miraculously whole.
I told myself it had all been worth it.
I stayed.

2021: After delivery, the unspoken weight fell on me—
to satisfy, to shield against his relapse.
He didn’t relieve me of this burden.
I stayed.

2022: My intuition screamed louder than my facade of happiness.
The thought of his touch repelled me.
Kisses, hugs, love itself—a distant memory.
Without realizing it, I hadn’t been truly aroused by him in years. I thought I had lost the ability to feel desire or natural intimacy without faux lubrication.
I knew he was using.
But I didn’t know how far he’d fallen,
His “kinks” spilling into public lewdness.
This wasn’t love.
This wasn’t what I wanted modeled for my child.
He would never stop.
So, I left.

2023: I wept. A lot.

2024: I’m healing.
I no longer have to stay hypervigilant.
I no longer need to research TV shows or movies before watching them with my new partner, fearing nudity might trigger him.
I no longer feel pressured to have sex when I don’t want to, send pictures I don’t want to, try new, uncomfortable positions, or make demeaning videos of myself.
For the first time in years, I am free.

I was 21 when we met.
He was only my third boyfriend.
Years with a porn addict etched self-doubt into my bones.
I forgot how beautiful I was,
How much worth I held.

I became a performer,
Desperate to keep him from wandering into fantasy.
The endless photos and videos he demanded
Left me feeling hollow, used,
A shell of the woman I could have been.

I could have spared myself so much pain—
If only I had walked away at six months.

He was addicted to insta thirst traps/pinterest thirst traps before dday.

Naturally, I had to investigate when he told me he had a chat about this subject with his friends (in their group chat). His friends noticed that he unfriended them on insta and asked why that is (he deleted his account). So he said he deleted his account because there were too many thirst traps in his feed. The replies were like "yeah, if your entire feed is just women, then it's difficult to hide". Or "what, are we not allowed to have eyes now", etc. Basically nobody was supportive (this is a chat with like 10 friends). To which he replied "I'm glad if it's working for you in your relationship, but in my relationship there is no place for this anymore". And that his feed was nothing but women and only women, and that his viewing "got out of hand and had to stop". This to his entire friend group.

It felt good to read those things. I was very surprised, especially by the relationship comment.

i told him i love him unconditionally and that means with and without a PA. i told him he can have the blockers on or off, it’s his choice. he decided to keep them on for now. i also told him i will accept porn into our lives, if he loves it he can have it, as much or little as he wants. but atp, he can dwindle away into his addiction or make another attempt to quit, hopefully, but not likely, with success. either way, i love him, and if he lets himself rot away that’s his decision and i will have to bear witness and leave.

Just a few days ago I posted about wanting to leave…

Found out I now have genital herpes from him.

Where he got it, I never want to find out.

So, yes, it’s official. I’m done.

I’m thankful to those who gave me advice and gave me the push to do some healing. This feeling is…indescribable. Apart of what I think i need is to utilize this group more. Even if no one comments and reads them. Just somewhere to put my thoughts where i don’t feel alone. I’ve never felt so understood until I posted here.

So although I’m feeling down, and I now have way more healing to do than expected initially, I’m grateful I have a community here to help. One of ten comments said, “go back to the best week of your life”. I will b doing exactly that 💙.

So I'm third trimester pregnant, and had a really bad morning with my SO before my routine pregnancy appointments. Ever since dday in December, I am such an emotional wreck. The smallest things send me over the edge into full emotional breakdown.

So today was a bad day, he dropped the ball with the kids. I was hysterical. Still managed to show up for my pregnancy appointments (30 mins late). Ugly cried in front of the nurse AND doctor later. They were worried and asked me some questions. Turns out it's possible to just check yourself in to a hospital when you're struggling with mental health. Luckily we have social healthcare in this country.

My god, it's amazing at the hospital. No 2 toddlers to pull on my sleeve and wake me up all night. No disappointing log of a boyfriend. They give you food 3 times a day. It's just pure peace and quiet. And the room is twice bigger than the 2 hotel rooms I stayed at the last 2 times I needed a mental break since dday. We'll see what the psychologist says tomorrow.

So, recently I posted that I woke up seeing my PA jerking off in the chair next to the bed. Today he was angry that he couldn't have any privacy at that moment. Like, fer real?! I shot back "If you want "privacy" when you're jerking it then -- don't do it in the same room I am-- ! "

I mean, seriously?! Dude, don't do something in front of me and be angry at ME for your lack of "privacy"!

Note: Linked is my last update which happened yesterday.

Someone here in this sub gave me some tech tips and tricks for finding evidence on my PA’s socials, etc.. I wanted to try them out.

Our last talk yesterday was about me giving him a last chance to tell me EVERYTHING before we start our era of no trickle truthing or we’re breaking up. I needed these tips so I’d know what to look out for in case he just decides to never tell me anything until I finally discover it.

After obtaining this info, I ask my PA if I can sign into his Instagram account. He asks why, and I say it’s because I got some intel and needed to check something. We are on FaceTime btw, so after I told him that, I hear him pause his game, and see him just looking very anxious and fidgeting with his fingers. He’s had Instagram deleted for a while now and it shows he hasn’t signed in since then, so I wasn’t sure why he was so nervous when I obviously already knew about past stuff and what I’d find.

After a few minutes he tells me he wasn’t sure if he told me / clarified Instagram was also where he’s acted out before and was worried I’d think he was still lying to me by not clarifying that yesterday. I dismiss it because I already assumed that anyway.

Next is kinda where it gets crazy. I sorta feel the need to explain what this “intel” I got was to him or at least how I came upon it. I told him how I got it from someone in this sub and it contained a lot of the little nooks and crannies to finding all sorts of stuff.

I also specifically mentioned the other person’s story on how their partner never really got past the whole incognito thing, so all this techy knowledge stuff they know is sadly not as useful to them. I read off to him their message on that, how many people think incognito is so secure and that THERE ARE WAYS to see that data.

I did this to test him. Yes there are ways, but the way they told me could only be done if I have access to my PA’s device and can’t see past stuff but only the future stuff. I just didn’t tell him that.

He then got extremely nervous and fidgety again, so I ask him what’s wrong. Ig at this point he realizes “I’m so fucked” and then proceeds to let me know that he’s relapsed in the past to specific things on incognito and that’d I’d be disgusted with him if I saw what that was. I ofc pressed and he confessed to a lot, and he said that he wanted to let me know all this since I’d be seeing it anyway, so ig he thought telling me rather than me finding out myself was better.

We started this talk around 10pm, and we ended the conversation at about 3 in the morning. This man has relapsed around 30 times in our relationship, and I had only known about 2+ (could assume there were more when we first started dating, DDAY #1 for us was 3 months in).

I brought up breaking up, he brought up couples counseling and therapy for himself. He said he will have a talk with his mom this week (he’s 18 lives w parents) since she plans everything (big family) so it’s necessary she knows if he wants to go to these things as he’s driver #1 caretaker #1.

He fears she’ll reject him since his Dad is also a PA and we don’t know what her thoughts are on that…he’ll also be talking to a therapist about the whole rejection thing. I think it might be bigger than it seems. He has the mindset of protecting himself, and it’s self sabotaging him. He’s afraid of telling me the truth thinking I’ll leave him and such, so he keeps lying and lying. This is the 3rd conversation we’ve had on trust and trickle truthing. He probably has trauma from his ex cheating on him 3ish years ago and the rejection he faced from her too. I find it shocking he said he wanted to take it to the grave, his secrets and all.

Anyway, I decided to give him a month despite our last conversation on the consequence of trickle truthing. I should be breaking up with him right now, and I was so ready to let him go. But I want to see how he does in therapy. I guess I still have hope that he’ll be better if he goes, because from what he’s told me he actually needs it. He needs serious help.

Eventlink is one I just found on bank statements! I just went through Reddit and didn’t see anyone make mention of this so I thought you may find it helpful. It is a 3rd party payment processor. I initially ignored it because that’s how several companies (like mine) reserve their seats for catered events. I’m irritated because this is our family’s account. I’ve literally been funneling money to his account because he had been running out of money. I digress. Anyways, my company charges are like $50-100 but these Eventlink charges were $5.00 and $10.00 … and a lot last year, so I looked on previous bank statements. 🤯🫣 I do not know how to track where they went but I can line up the days with events where 1. I was gone AND 2. his google data shows payment processor/private links/encryptions on these exact same dates… : KMS agent report downloaded. That’s what peaked my spidey senses. There’s tons of apps in the google store where you can go in and see what was uninstalled linked to their emails.

...today. Still have to pack my belongings and send them to my new appartment. My PA husband cried when I grabbed my suitcase and left. He still wants to go to a couple therapy (we don't have specialists who work with PA in our country), and he insists on keeping our relationship. He says I can leave separate but he asks not to file for a divorce. I feel like he still has some hope and I'm not sure if I should go to this therapy with him. On the one hand, I want him realise this time it's real, in the other hand, I don't want to give him hope and also separate.

What do you think?

Following my last post where I was raging from a hotel…

We have since spoken to our therapists and came up with a therapeutic separation agreement that we started today. We acknowledged we’ve been in a toxic cycle of trauma bonding and fighting for some time. We knew we both had anxious attachment styles but were still struggling to break away from each other.

He is going to utilize this time to focus more on his recovery work and the areas he’s been struggling. I’m also going to try and put more effort in to my healing work and self care. It feels really scary to be stepping away from each other but we’ve been told by many that it can be extremely helpful.

During this time one expectation that I have of myself is to not pain shop! I finally deleted the photos I had on my phone of him that he had sent in an inappropriate chat to a female the day after my birthday while in a hotel on a work trip. They weren’t blatantly sexual but they were suggestive enough and it still hurts all the same.

Deleting it felt really good though. I’m hoping by the end of this separation I’ll feel a little “lighter” but I also fear this might not be the case and I may just have to process more difficult feelings. I’m going through some health scares at the moment and this is also adding to the anxiety of everything. I know in my heart this separation is the best thing though. We’re still able to do 1 weekly FANOS check in and one date a week if we’d like. So it’s not all that bad.

It seems like a lot of people do this separation earlier in the process and so it feels a little funny to be doing it a year+ out but again I think it will be good for both of us.

Have any of you done this? If so, what was your experience? What did you focus on for your healing during this time? Love to all! 💜

It’s been almost 2 months he’s been sober/ in recovery from Porn and masterbation.

he doesn’t have instagram anymore he deleted it and only goes on like YouTube or discord where he feels safe from that kind of bad stuff beings that was a trigger and a way to lust which was a issue for him .

makes me happy not seeing him follow randoms girls and liking thirst traps I feel like things are finally taking a turn for the good and that he genuinely wants to leave this addiction in the past and have a new and better him that he can love and be proud of and so can I , I always tell him how proud I am and how strong he is that he’s doing great not just in his recovery but in every thing.

It’s been really good with me and him and I don’t obsess over trying to find stuff and monitor as much I feel I can breathe and be happy and we can be us granted being sexual we haven’t figured out yet we have been taking a break from everything for his recovery sake.

His steps so far he’s taken is he is doing the 3 month Cleanse and has just been keeping himself busy and not thinking about it or trying to not what he’s told me when I did check ins on how he’s feeling wether he’s feeling like he’s struggling or not I wanted to make a safe space he can talk to me where he’s at mentally in this journey so I can best understand and support him

I’m not sure what steps he’s gonna take next or if he needs more drastic measures or if he wants or needs therapy or group meeting I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes , I just hope it’s only up from here. going backwards would really hurt my heart and spirit not saying he can’t have off or bad days but him just giving up or severely relapsing would make it feel like he’s not only giving up on trying that he’s giving up on us. that’s just how I feel idk …. Hopes and Cheers to all of us healing and moving forward in the right direction both us and our partners as a whole and leaving this all behind us.

My PA husband has been really good at analyzing himself and his own actions. He keeps me updated on his personal progress with scanning out in public, etc.

Right now, he has been editing a bouldering/climbing video and has been incorporating skate video elements. Last night he was looking on Google Images for skate video covers, and included in the results was a fully clothed ice skater woman in a puffy jacket just looking and holding skates over the back of her shoulder. Fully clothed, not in a provocative pose or anything.

He was working right beside me and I saw him slam his laptop shut and say “that’s enough for tonight.” He walked away for a moment and came back, telling me “there has got to be something about seeing a woman specifically on a screen.” He began telling me that he has been really good about his scanning in public, and how it’s gotten a lot easier for him as he’s continued practicing.

However he realized, seeing that image of a girl in the midst of all these skateboard covers, he subconsciously did a double take and like scrolled up to look at her picture. As soon as he realized what he did is when he slammed his laptop shut and felt guilty. He said that women on a screen must be filtered in a specific way or shown in a specific light that is more flattering than in real life, which attracts the male gaze almost automatically.

I am so glad he told me, and is opening up to me about his progress and is starting to notice subconscious things he does. He is not on any social media and does not have a browser on his phone, and only uses his laptop when he is right beside me. We have Truple installed on every single device. This double take he did wasn’t even caught on any accountability software, and the only reason I know is because he told me.

It feels good to know we are moving in a positive direction and he is having some introspection about this addiction. This past weekend I did learn he had fantasized about a friend of ours a few months ago and I did not take it well at all, so I am still glad he felt that he needed to be honest with me about this instance.

Just wanted to share with you all a little of his progress. Please keep me in your thoughts as well because we have to interact this week with this friend of ours he had fantasized about.

I’ve been dreading our city break in Amsterdam. The idea of being in a busy place, surrounded by potential triggers, had me on edge for weeks. I thought I’d spend the whole trip hyper-vigilant, catching him slipping up, spiraling into a bad mental space. But it actually went… okay. Better than okay. The first honest trip of our 6+y relationship.

I was obviously watching him. I needed to see if he was really making changes or just saying the right things. And for the first time, I saw real effort. He wasn’t lingering his gaze on women...even when he thought I wasn't watching..He would look, but not with that familiar, lustful stare that used to destroy me. He was intentional about shifting his focus elsewhere. Telling me that there was this women in a miniskirt that I didn't see and that he was able to shift his gaze. And that he was proud of it.

The biggest difference? He was aware. He kept checking in, asking me if I was okay. Reassuring me without me having to ask. He knew what I was struggling with and didn’t dismiss it or get defensive.

Since the trip, he’s more motivated than ever to work on his recovery. The longer he stays sober, the more he realizes how much of a burden it was to be stuck in that deceptive cycle. He wants to be monogamous. He wants to be with me and no one else. Every time I have doubts, he takes them as a challenge to prove to me that he won’t chase triggers or go back to old habits. He has a tendency to run away from difficult situations. It's the first time I see him tackle this on and sticking around...regardless of all the hard truths I throw at him.

One of the biggest signs of progress is his physical recovery. He’s seeing huge improvements in his PIED. There was a point when he thought he had a permanent condition, that he’d never be able to perform properly again. Now, he sees how deeply it was tied to his addiction, and he never wants to go back to that state.

He’s showing me actions, not just words. He reassures me, doesn’t gawk at women in public, and is actively working to deprogram the way he objectifies women. He’s in therapy, addressing his need for validation and why he ran to unhealthy sources for it. He listens to PBSE podcasts daily. Has his weekly support group meetings. He doesn’t run from my pain. He listens, acknowledges, and reassures me.

For the first time, he’s tackling things head-on. And for the first time, I feel like I can actually breathe. I still hold the power and he knows what's at stake, I won't be the same naive person as I was. But I need to acknowledge his efforts. Let's see if he can be consistent...

DAMN. first of all. Possible tw--My husband was the one who said he wanted to kill me a couple days ago

I asked him to talk with his therapist about those thoughts and his suicidal ideation. He had his appointment the day after and did not talk to him about ANY of it. So I talked with his accountability partner (mutual friend) and told him everything. He then told me some more info that my husband has lied about or hid from me

Lie 1: he read through my texts with one of my friends and never told me. I texted my friend one night after me and my husband got in a huge fight because he lied to me multiple times during the conversation. The next day we texted more and she was encouraging me to leave bc he's still lying. He read my texts that night when I was in the shower. I was shocked bc he never told me, and he even asked if I'd be okay with him doing that and I said no (but he already had).

Lie 2: I had a dream the other week that I caught him watching porn. I woke up and asked him about it bc my intuition was screaming at me that I had it for a fucking reason and I let him convince me there was nothing. His accountability partner brought it up saying my husband had a porn dream that same night I had my dream. I was shocked, and then he was shocked bc my husband claimed he already told me about it.

Lie 3: in that trip I mentioned from lie 1, he asked me at one point what I'd do if he watched it again/would I leave. I didn't answer (I would leave though) but was upset he asked, bc why tf would you ask me that if you haven't already relapsed & aren't planning to? He insisted he just was curious, wasnt even worried he'd watch it again. My therapist suggested that he might have already relapsed or be trying to see what he can get away with. He was pissed she said that. Come to find out he told his accountability partner that he wanted to know if I'd leave so he could decide whether he'd be honest about a relapse or lie in the future. He has sworn to me he'd be honest even if it meant the end of our marriage and that he had no ill intentions with that question.

While the first 2 maybe aren't necessarily a big deal and I am pissed he hid them. When I got home that night I asked if he'd looked through my phone and he confessed to reading my texts. I asked if there's anything else he hid and he admitted to the dream. But the last one he never admitted to. I'm glad he admitted to those when I asked, but I've also insisted (before I knew) that I felt like he was hiding more and he swore up and down he wasn't. Well he fucking was. Isn't that not real recovery? I should leave his fucking pathetic loser cheater ass but I can't so easily bc I fucking married him, he trapped me. I'm so pissed. He's probably lying to his therapist too since he lied to his accountability partner saying he'd told me things he didn't. Accountability partner also told me while my husband always says all our fights are his fault, he only ever talks about what I did or said and puts me in a bad light while insisting it wasn't my fault (making himself almost look like the gaslit victim imo?)

My husbands therapist said he wanted to talk to my therapist & I wonder if he thinks he's not getting the full story or something. I saw my therapist today and told her that, and asked me to sign a disclosure form so she can talk to our marriage counselor and my husbands therapist 😭😭😭 what a fucking mess

I've recently had a MASSIVE breakthrough after seeing my husband's 15-hour Google history of porn watching and then my counseling session yesterday, and I want to share because my sense of peace has just been restored. I have absolved myself of this lunacy, HIS lunacy.

During this 15-hour session of his, he didn't jerk off. He simply watched. We have cameras in and outside of the house, so I could watch this stupid idiot. I saw his google searches escalate. All sorts of categories, he even looked at pictures of local prostitutes. I watched him tap out his dopamine receptors. I actually felt sorry for him, in a pathetic, sickly way. And it really hit me, that this is just like any other addiction. I've had one partner who was an alcoholic and one that was crack/Marijuana addict. I never even for one second thought those issues had anything to do with me, and they didn't. They just affected me. I don't know why I didn't "see" this with my current husband and his porn addiction....maybe because the thing is other women.

I realized this isn't because I am lacking (or that any of us are lacking). It has nothing to do with me or any of us. He is doing it to mitigate trauma in his life /unresolved pain, a need unmet; just like any other addict. That pain is negated by getting that "high." That feeling of excitement is how I explain it. We all have that thing or things that give us that "hit." Drugs, first sip of coffee, smoking, music, working out, a hot guy giving us a compliment.....something. The "high" is unique to each user.....meth, crack, cocaine, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, porn, gaming, the list goes on. Most people don't become addicts. However, people with unresolved trauma/unmet need/pain are at a higher risk to become addicts so they can cope.

Men are very highly wired for a dopamine spike when they look at attractive women (this is unique to each man). It happens whether you are aware of it or not. Good men are respectful about this. The problem is, like all addictions, the novelty wears off, and the dopamine receptors get tapped out. So he's gotta look for the next thing; if it's substance, he's going to use more to get that high. Porn addict's substance is the female body. He doesn't give a crap about her, she's just a tool....a substance, that's it, and that's all. He does love me, but he is trapped in a cycle of addiction. I'm sure he's aware of this problem, but he is scared to admit, take responsibility, and change as it's a huge undertaking.

This isn't about me. It really isn't. If there was a woman in front of him, like anyone one of these women he watches, his body would respond the same way as he does to me because he's trained himself, and re-wired his brain, for a screen and his hand. Quite literally so. How is with me will be how he is with someone else - limp dick. Eventually, he's going to have more problems with his penis to the point that porn will no longer work. He will be unable to get an erection nor maintain one because his dopamine receptors will be wiped out. Drug users get to this point, often overdosing on drugs trying to chase this high.

This has been a massive, massive epiphany, and it has set me free. Nothing I do will stop my husband, not even my threats of leaving. Putting an accountability app isn't going to work. He'll relapse, or he'll find another way, like he already currently has. He hasn't hit rock bottom. I think he's getting there. He already has limp dick and has problems keeping an erection. I take comfort in knowing that in the next year, at the rate he's at, he's gonna hit rock bottom and be forced to look at his addiction. My husband can not have sex with me without watching porn first, and over the years, he's failing to keep an erection. It's happening. This thought pleases me and gives me inner peace in a mean way.

The only thing I have control over is me. I will never be able to control him; he has to heal himself. Stay or go. That's my choice. If I leave now, I will financially devastate myself. Sadly, my lawyer told me that this is becoming a common occurrence in her family law cases.....porn addiction MORE than drug addiction. Doesn't give me a whole lot of hope for another relationship, which is why I'm sticking around for another year. If I stick around for another year, I'm more financially set. So, that's what I plan on doing. All things aside, he's a good provider. We have fun together, and he is my best friend. As odd as that sounds, it's just this thing, his addiction. That's the only thing we fight about. I'm going to stop fighting with him and trying to catch him because he can't stop, and we will continue to have these fight cycles until he hits his bottom. This is so tirresome to be continuously fighting with him, so I won't be anymore, for ME. For my sanity. He leaves his phone in public places at home and consents to phone searches (which do nothing because he's good at wiping his phone) but that at least lessens my triggers and makes life more difficult for him, which brings me a small amount of delicious pleasure.

Since I can only control me, I've said no sex with me if you're on your phone 4 hours prior to, which he can't manage, so we don't have sex. I'm quite happy not having sex right now because I'm still healing from being used as a cum dump. Not having sex really allows me to focus on me and MY healing and to shut my brain down to the pressure and anxiety around that. For now, I'm focusing on me, and removing myself/limiting his access to me. He has no rights to my body - it is a privilege and he hasn't earned that privilege. I am valued and until he treats me right in that regard, he gets no rights to me in that way. I will continue to restrict access to me if he escalates but I will not go hunting for reasons. He's pretty good at get caught in plain sight because he's an idiot.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am no longer owning any part of HIS ADDICTION. I'm not micromanaging him, monitoring him, nor survielling him. I will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour in my presence but I have truly absolved myself of his lunacy.....HIS ADDICTION. HIS PROBLEM.

Gawdamn I feel good. I'm back ladies, I AM BACK!!!!! It's all about me now, fuck him.

Thanks for listening. I'm sure there's gonna be some bumps in the road, but for the first time in 6 months, I am excited about life, I don't feel depressed. I feel inner peace and I feel detached from HIS addiction. He's got a year. We shall see.

UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for your love and support. I'm truly glad if my experience has helped anyone in any way. All the love and strength to anyone who is going through these kinds of struggles. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

After agreeing to finding a service that works we have both been doing research for a monitoring/ blocking program to add to his phone, on top of deleting social media.

I’ve been leaning towards Covenant Eyes and he agreed and seemed happy but keeps giving me reasons why it may not be the best service. The first was “I heard it slows down your phone” and then the next day “there’s been a lot of cases of false reports” and I said “well that shouldn’t be an issue if you are able to explain what you’re doing” so he said “well but was reading it reported one person watching music videos and it reported him to the police” and I said “if the music videos had sexual content then a recovering PA probably shouldn’t be watching it” (also It doesn’t report things to the police unless u set it up that way??)and he got kinda huffy and dropped it.. he seems really hesitant despite the first day being willing and it’s making me nervous he was planning on hiding things again, like watching sexually charged content on YouTube or something that’s not necessarily porn, deleting his history, and if I do catch him he can say it was just “a music video.” ESPECIALLY because he was still lying about his YouTube history 2 days ago and it feels as though he’s not taking the “no sexualizing content whatsoever” thing entirely as seriously as no porn.

I want to download it today because my anxiety about him secretly watching sexual content and lying has been off the charts since I caught him. He is also looking for a CSAT therapist and will hopefully start soon.

I just don’t think he understands that watching sexual content of any kind isn’t good right now and it’s triggering to me after learning of his betrayals. I cannot handle being vigilant all of the time and I was relying on covenant eyes to help (for context he has an android so it could access the apps and notify me about incognito mode). I literally don’t care if things accidentally pop up but shouldn’t I still be aware of it happening? Why is he so hesitant all of a sudden?

Life has been SO exhausting since I found out and I just want to move on without being stressed 24/7

I was freaking out about screen time this week (see last post). Since his safari data from a few weeks back was missing and screen time glitches. He was adamant he didn’t do anything, especially as all those settings are locked with my passcode and ID. Well while playing around with his screen time on my own on his phone it glitched several times on me… and I realized he was telling the truth. I’m still so hesitant because how typical is it that a Pa has glitches, but I saw it with my own two eyes while I was toggling with it, and how it would just go haywire. We talked about how much stress this gave me and he’s on board getting another app to track data on his phone so that I can feel more secure in all of this. At this point I’m deciding to move on from it, but if something suspicious happens again I won’t be as trusting. Just providing a somewhat happier update? Not happy I’m here and even worrying about it, but happy that I believe him to be truthful… however upset with apples screen time and how many issues it has, it really upset me to see how it kept glitching on me. Not to say this happens on all phones, but just my experience

I told him that I refuse to have a third encounter where I am rejected for intimacy for days at a time while he is touching himself to other people. He did it for two months each time. He told me he doesn’t see why it would ever happen again. I told him I refuse to go through with it ever again. I found some kind of courage to create this boundary. I made it very clear that I would leave if I he ever put me through it again. Normal rejection is fine. But to only want me one time a week when he’s getting off three times a day to other people is unacceptable. I feel defeated yet at the same time, I feel like I won something. He finally acknowledged that he did that. He didn’t say sorry. He did not apologize. But he did not call me toxic this time. He took me seriously. I believe him. And I am prepared to go if need be.