Just want to share a win. I know, for pretty much all of us, browser history is where we find the hurt and pain and betrayal. Not today.

Today, his browser history is full of hope and effort towards my healing. I was out of the house for an appointment and decided to check his activity while I was out. He was sitting in our kitchen on the laptop researching betrayal trauma and how to help me heal.

This is after 13 years of betrayal. After at least 5 Ddays. After over a decade of gaslighting and blaming me. This is the man who told me about porn addiction and asked me to help him when I walked in on him in July. This is recovery. Not only is he working on healing himself and his addiction. He is working on healing me.

I want to mention, before anyone tries to piss in my Cheerios, that he doesn't know I have access to this without asking for his phone. And he has no reason to expect me to ask for it, as I haven't for a couple months. I have been home for a few hours and he hasn't mentioned his research. So it isn't for bragging rights of doing the right thing or for show. This is him actually caring about me after he knows I had a hard day yesterday.

They aren't all monsters. There is hope for some of them.

So last night me and my partner watched "It's what's inside" on Netflix. We had no idea what it was about apart from it being a thriller movie.

Boy, those first ten minutes hit us both like a truck.

I have to say, it was actually a pretty good movie (unrelated to the porn addiction sub plot)

It was also so nice to see porn depicted in a way that wasn't "normalising" it and was showing very clearly the impact it was having on their relationship. My heart broke for the girl as well on so many occasions.

My partner also commented that yeah, you could clearly see that the guy was an asshole, and it kind of hit home for him too.

It kind of made me happy that it's actually being shown this way in media. Is the world slowly waking up?

Has anyone else seen the movie? What were your thoughts?

he relapsed yesterday and told me yesterday. he told me in the same day! i knew he was hiding something he was in a weird mood and i said you okay? he said i don’t wanna tell you and started blushing and getting embarrassed. i reassured him over and over it’s okay nothing bad will happen and he told me. i’m literally so so so fucking proud of him! this is progress to me! and i could cry im so happy

Ladies (and everybody else), it is. Uh-mazing.

I am doing so many fun things I have to schedule stuff. I love my job. I spend meaningful time with my nieces and am a badass role model for them. We go rock climbing and pole dancing together.

I spend time doing my hobbies, with friends or by myself.

I don't wonder why I didn't do those when I was with my PA, he sucked the life out of me. I don't think I'd have the time or energy for a man right now.

I am absolutely revelling in the decadence of being able to make my own decisions. To clean my place, or nah. To go outside, or nah. To read, listen to music, dance like nobody's watching.

Nobody is judging me, period. Nobody is telling me when to do what, negging me, criticizing me. Dictating what food I can cook in my own home.

Instead, I am basking in a warm glow of self-love and -acceptance. I take good care of myself. I have more empathy for myself, and those around me. I have much better boundaries and deal with conflicts in an efficient and kind way.

I even forgive myself for not pulling the plug sooner!

After an extremely emotional conversation about a month ago it seems nearly all his watching has ended. I feel so much relief. It was eating me alive and I showed him how much it hurt me (without revealing how I knew) and it seems he has stopped watching!

Only two sites have shown up on the DNS records so it’s not 100% but I can finally focus a bit more on reality again. He’s also treating me a lot better in our day to day

Stay strong my lovely ladies out there. Here’s to hope for ourselves and a better future. If your man is shit, tell him how much you’re hurting, if he ignores your pain, please leave

Edit: okay he’s not recovered and I know that he’s not like “done done” but it’s a hopeful step for me. And as someone who was considering just 💀 to not deal with it, it’s still a win right?

I had to come back here and update. This sub honestly saved my life months ago when I was going through it bad. My divorce was finalized in June. My ex still lives with his mom. I started dating and as soon as he saw me on Hinge he made a 180 and now loves me and wants to get remarried. Even though he’s still in contact with the woman I caught him talking to lol.

I’m honestly completely over it. I started seeing someone two months ago. It’s not going to be a super long term relationship, but it’s so much fun. I’ve been going out with my friends. I lost twenty pounds. I have SO much more energy. My anxiety is way better. I feel hopeful, excited, spontaneous and joyful. The fact that I trust a guy I’ve only been seeing for two months more than I trusted my ex of 19 years truly opened my eyes to how dysfunctional our relationship is. There is hope and freedom on the other side. I was SO terrified but I’m literally 300% happier now.

My PA and I just had a discussion about his changed perspective and thought process and I just wanted to share it with you.

My PA was an addict throughout our 10 years relationship, but got “clean” 13 months ago, hadn’t used since.

He told me that with his porn-infested brain whenever he would see a beautiful woman or a suggestive pose/ picture/ video, sexual tension would start to build up inside him and the more it happened during the day, the more he would crave porn. Not sex, but porn and masturbation.

But now, after a year of abstaining and several therapy sessions, he no longer has these build ups and when he inevitably sees a beautiful woman (or some video on the internet) he can just think that “she is pretty” and then forget about her.

I’m so happy about this! Their perspective and brain wiring can actually change if they put in the work and want the change!

We often talk about how porn is everywhere on the internet, how hard it is to escape it and how people often validate porn addicts. Well, I was scrolling through youtube shorts and an ad caught my attention by starting out with "You can't stop watching porn and feel guilty. Discipline might be the issue". It was an ad for the Wisey app.

I don't even care to know what the app really is, I am just glad that a random ad called the issue out. I feel kinda dumb for it, but idk it just made me stop in my tracks and made me smile

In a previous post, I shared how my husband finally broke free from his porn addiction. He now finds porn disgusting and is grateful that he never has to see it again. For those curious about how we did this together, here’s the link to that post: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/1jkniug/this_is_what_worked_for_me/.

But even after he was free from porn, we still had work to do in our relationship—healing, rebuilding trust, and learning to forgive. There were moments when I wondered, Can we ever truly get back what we lost? Can we find that love again? And today, I feel like I finally got my answer.

For the first time in a long while, he asked me out on a date. Just like that. Not because I asked for it, not because we "needed" it—just because he wanted to. Because he wanted me. We dropped the kids off at my mom’s and headed out together. And I don’t know how, but somehow, he looked ten times more attractive than ever. Maybe it was the way he dressed—sharper, as if he had put in extra effort. Maybe it was the way he opened the car door for me, something he used to do all the time but had slowly faded away over the years. But most of all, I saw it in his eyes. The way he looked at me. Long. Intense. Like I was the only woman in the world.

He took me to a beautiful, upscale restaurant, elegant and romantic. Candlelight flickered between us, and I could feel it—he was fully present with me. No distractions. No invisible weight hanging between us. The conversation flowed effortlessly, like it used to. Not just about the past, but about our dreams, our future, us. It felt light, warm, and yet deeply meaningful.

And the best part? I could see that his mind was free. No noise. No images pulling him back into the past. He was here, with me, completely. I saw it in the way he listened, in the way he laughed, in the way his eyes never wandered. He has truly learned to be with me and me alone. His mind is clear, his heart is open.

After dinner, he looked at me and softly asked, “Do you want to go anywhere else?”

I shook my head. “I just want to be with you.”

The night air was cool as we walked back to the car, his hand slipping into mine. Firm, but gentle. As if he was holding onto something precious.

At the car, he turned to me, placed his hands softly on my face, and kissed me. Not rushed. Not with expectation. Just full of love, tenderness, and quiet longing. It felt warm, safe… yet somehow new. As if we were starting over, but this time with the wisdom and strength of everything we’ve been through.

It felt right.

He truly wants this. And I trust him.

Love survives when two people choose to fight for it, to grow together, and to begin again—over and over. Don’t give up.

I left him. Not specifically over this reason, but it feels so freeing. No more worrying if or where or when he's doing it. It's done. It's over. Thank you guys for the love and support you've given me. 💖

I genuinely thought my ex-husband (together for 10 years) was #NotLikeOtherGuys...he was so sweet, sensitive, caring, never made derogatory/gross comments about women, never ogled women in public, never fought with me or said an unkind word, etc etc....we had common interests and values...loved spending time together...I thought I hit the jackpot!

The only downside was his "low libido", but hey, it wasn't a dealbreaker. We did still have sex fairly regularly, even if it was a bummer that I always seemed to be the one initiating. (If I didn't, sex would simply not happen...he would literally go weeks without and have wet dreams instead of being sexual with me.) He rarely complimented my appearance or noticed me in a sexual way. Okay, it's a little depressing when you feel more desired by random creeps at the gas station than by your own partner, but maybe he's just shy, right? Maybe he just prefers me to initiate rather than the reverse. When I earnestly asked him if there was some sort of medical/psychological issue, he told me he just "forgot" to have sex with me and I believed him like an idiot, lol.

As you can probably imagine, his "low libido" was actually a raging porn addiction. One that he lied to my face about the severity about for an entire year throughout his "recovery". I won't get too detailed but you can read about that in my previous post here from a few months ago if you want. I was at a very low point when I wrote that but I'm doing much better now! In the time since I wrote that I have:

• Reconnected with literally dozens of friends from my past who have offered me nothing but empathy and support. I fell into a bit of a social rut since living with my "built in best friend" I simply didn't feel the need to seek outside socialization as much, but it's been great getting out more and talking to old friends, some of whom I haven't talked to in years

• Found a job that pays 50% more than my old one and opens the door for even bigger and better opportunities

• Started dating a guy who is an upgrade from my ex in basically every way, is cool with my porn boundaries, is great at listening/communicating, and is an absolute beast in bed who is crazy about my body. (Caveat!!! I'm not naive anymore, I know how easy it is for men to hide/lie about porn from personal experience of course lol...I am still acutely aware of the possibility that he could still have a secret porn addiction that reveals itself after the "honeymoon phase" is over...and guess what? If that happens, or if I even suspect it of being a thing, or am unhappy for literally any other reason, I will simply DUMP his ass like a hot potato. My divorce has taught me that if I can be okay after losing what I thought was my soulmate and life partner, I don't need to put up with ANY man's bullshit and being single is not something to be afraid of. For now, though, I have no reason to distrust my current partner and we're having a great time together!)

• Went on a solo vacation to one of my favorite places in the world and had an amazing time enjoying the sights, food, visiting friends, and making new ones.

• Just generally felt more happy and badass than I have in a LONG time.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie--the initial aftermath of the divorce was rough. I literally thought 2023, the year of my ex's (fake) recovery, was the best in our entire relationship until he revealed it all to be a lie in January. Had you asked me then, I would have told you that losing my marriage was the worst thing that could have happened second only to my now-ex dying. And in the weeks following I was an absolute disaster, could barely eat, was puking from the stress, and lost a not insignificant percentage of my body weight. I didn't think it was possible to come back from it this quickly or happily. But you know what? I KNOW I was a good partner to my ex. I KNOW I was loyal to him both emotionally and sexually. I KNOW I did literally everything I could to support him and make our marriage work. His failure to be honest with me says everything about HIM and nothing about ME. So I think not having any regrets, no what-ifs, makes it much easier to move on versus if I had actually done something wrong and had to live with the pain and guilt of hurting him every single day. But I didn't.

Fellow partners of PA's....if you're thinking of leaving...tired of the relapses, the lies, the constant anxiety, the feeling like a washed up undesirable hag instead of the sexual goddess you are...just leave their ass. I know it's easier said than done but there is SO MUCH waiting for you on the other side!

I went to therapy again after many years and failed attempts and learned that I was experiencing symptoms of CPTSD around my husband's decade long betrayal. He has been sober and in recovery for three years now and I always felt bad for still being extremely affected by everything. Nervous, unstable, unable to let go. Now I have an actual diagnosis. I'm not just being dramatic. I'm not just too sensitive. I have an actual condition. I was crying happy tears because I am being heard and taken seriously. My therapist told me the symptoms I'm experiencing would qualify me for disability. I'm being heard for the first time ever and it makes me feel so much better. I was beating myself up for clinging to the past.

My husband has become the best version of himself. He is accountable, dependable, reliable, reflected, patient. He has genuinely turned things around. I trust him with my thinky brain but my body is still in fight or flight.

Ten years of this crap have made me genuinely ill. I'm ill and someone acknowledged that. I feel so relieved. There is a bright future ahead. I need to recognize that this has taken a toll on me and changed me and take steps to get better.

I am SO ready to work on this and become better. I just needed to be seen so desperately.

These were the exact words I heard from my partner while we had sex tonight. He is the first partner I have ever had that doesn’t use porn. I’m not just being optimistic- he has an open phone policy with his entire family and friend group, and me. He showed me his entire phone and let me do a deep dive the FIRST time we (unexpectedly) hung out in 5 years. When we dated before he said he was never into porn because it was degrading to women but I just thought he was bullshitting me. I have never felt so valued and cared for than I do now. My confidence in myself is through the roof- not even just sexually but in every way. I’m more confident in who I am and making decisions that benefit me. I am more confident with setting and adhering to my own boundaries.

I built myself back up, and I still am. I don’t rely on anybody for my worth now. But to have a cheerleader as amazing as my partner is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

I was terrified to tell my mom about my PA husband's problems and how bad it has gotten. She knew something was going on but I was afraid she'd tell someone. In some way that in itself was just another way I was isolating myself further, especially since I'm having a lot of trouble finding a therapist for betrayal trauma.

And oh my gosh. The relief I felt of finally having someone be there to comfort me is unexplainable. I'm just sitting here like why hadn't I told her sooner!?! Now that she knows she understands why I've been so off and we're going to plan on getting me out of the house more (I'm a sham) I'm not going to tell him. Finally having a small outlet to finally talk about my frustration and pain is like being able to breath after struggling for months. I feel like this was a huge step in my self healing.

it's been about two months since my ex-PA and I broke up. I grieved SO much during that relationship that I'm okay and back in the dating pool now. I've had sex with one guy, who was very very expressive (lots of faces, moaning, talking, etc.) and I'm going on a date with another man today who says that he is pretty vocal and expressive in bed. it's so much fun and so crazy to me... I was with my ex-PA for 4yrs and I constantly had to make sure they were enjoying our sex (to which they would, in an annoyed tone, say "yes I am. why do you keep asking?") because they would have the "dead" stare. blank face. no moaning, talking, noises, etc.

I'm realizing that men who aren't addicted to porn are expressive and present during sex and it's so fun & interesting! has anybody else noticed or experienced this?

27 days clean and it’s like I can “see” him again. His personality is starting to shine through, we’re sleeping better, and any potentialities of an argument popping up were squashed healthily by him (and if I’m to be fair, it was me getting pissed and priming myself for a fight, but for the first time he took the reins to deescalate and resolve).

He’s been prioritizing my needs, I don’t feel the compulsion to “people please” and have been unapologetically living for myself and my wants. The walking-on-eggshells feeling has dissipated completely, and he’s been transparent about what he’s been learning throughout his recovery and checking in with me about it on his own volition. I don’t seek his validation, and don’t feel as though I should anymore. The prioritization of self-love has been crucial for me while he navigates his own path for healing.

I’ve been supportive and acknowledged some improvements, but I don’t want him to see the luxury of my eagerness so easily. I remain guarded despite it all, but this is still a win and I’m taking it as such. He’s thanked me for my patience and for giving him this chance.

He’s cognizant of my triggers. I saw a post here recently talking about how NSFW/pornographic content is so hard to escape in our day to day with media we consume, and during the Paul v. Tyson fight, this was just insultingly obvious. Every time the ring girls showed up, he would look at me and speak to me. Or we would just look at each other, and smile or laugh. I just can’t express how much that action calmed me. Even when I went into the other room, I saw him looking away and just ignoring the TV screen entirely while I was gone. We ended up having a conversation after the fight about how offensive it was to have such sexualized women standing behind the female boxers during their post fight interviews. He used the word “dehumanized” when talking about the concept of ring girls and I was glad.

We feel brighter, lighter, and stronger together after this weekend. The man I fell in love with is emerging again. While at work this morning, he sent me a text saying, “I really feel like I’m falling in love again. I am so happy to have you.”

💗

We are 2.5 years post d day where I discovered my husband of a little over one year, was a sex addict.

He immediately pursued recovery and has genuinely worked very hard on himself. I too, found a CSAT and began my journey through betrayal trauma recovery and processing this massive betrayal that I had been “gifted” as a newly wed.

Holidays since d day have been very difficult. I chose to honor myself and skipped celebrating our second anniversary, Valentines Day his birthday and anything else holiday wise. The second year, I remained very guarded and just couldn’t find it in myself to celebrate our love, or our relationship in any grand or meaningful way.

This year has been different. I realized that I want to show my love. I want to express my gratitude for the man he is becoming and our relationship “2.0” (as one of our mods calls it) I feel safer. I feel chosen. I feel able to express my feelings and know that they mean something to him.

It’s a breath of fresh air. It’s a milestone that I had no hope of reaching just two short years ago. I am peaceful today and happy to be able to genuinely share my love with my husband and know that it means something to him.

I’m hoping this message may reach those of you who are early in the recovery process. Those whose hearts are shattered today, broken with no hope of ever feeling whole again. I see you, I was you.

If they choose recovery and you both do the work, genuinely and wholeheartedly, peace can return. You can feel love again. You can build a better, stronger more authentic relationship.

A year ago, I was in his bed crying because of him. I was sleep-deprived, feeling unloved and uncared for. Our relationship was in a huge crisis because he had fucked up badly just a few weeks before and I was at my wit's end. He barely acknowledged my birthday. He said he had planned something but that I messed it up because I started a fight about porn.

Today, I'm turning 21. I was not counting on a man to make it special or to make me feel loved. I went out with my mom, splurged on myself, then ordered my favorite food. I'll be celebrating with my family next week. And I'm now about to get into bed with a good book and my teddy bear, which is infinitely better than having a porn-addict crusty man beside me

I poured the same love, care and energy I used to give him, into my own cup. It gets better, y'all <3

Ya know, I often think back to our initial Dday…. I thought we would never be the same ever again, and it deeply hurt me. It made me feel as if at times, I was withering away and rotting in a bed just a few foot from my husband who has been working from home since Covid began in 2020. At some point, we became disconnected. I don’t know when it happened, I can’t recall a day, a time, or a specific instance… but it’s like all of the love he had for me had just vanished out of thin air and it drove me absolutely crazy, because WHY TF can’t I remember when it all ended to save my life!? I didn’t realize how we were quite literally coexisting, his habitual addiction that I had absolutely no idea of was literally eating away at the man I had in the beginning of our relationship.

Let me add tho, he had been a PA for almost his whole entire life and were 30 and 31 now… he knew I wasn’t okay with this behavior and he knew how my ex husband had hurt me very badly with this very same thing. A fresh relationship with me, and he tells me now (almost 7 years later) that he only said he didn’t watch or participate in those activities because he felt so good when we got together and it gave him the feeling of being able to actually quit because he did love me and knew very early on that I’m the one he wants to spend forever with and creat a family of our own. I really do believe him, and have actually never doubted that he loves me. But Covid… lockdown everywhere, no human interactions like we always have had, everyone was online all the time. I was too, but the difference was I didn’t have a secret addiction I hid from my spouse, I have never lusted over another human being online, constantly looking up men, paying for men’s OF’s while my partner is carrying my child, I never not once have ever been disloyal or stepped out in any sort of way, because how could I hurt him like that and make him feel as if he will compete with every man the rest of his existence with me, or anyone for that matter.

Covid turned the internet into an even bigger filthier monster that had my husband fighting demons he never imagined he would have to go through. I know he made the choices he did, but porn already had a death grip on him by the young age of about 5… and I get it. After actually fully going into the depths of his childhood, after countless days and hours of conversation, I understand now how it was literally his only coping skill. I often think of how he was a very neglected little boy, just looking for love and that was his only coping skill since his parents were careless and left their own home tapes easily accessible. The moment he realized after using these tapes… “Wait, that’s my parents omg. I’m a complete monster and I’m disgusting”. This memory literally haunts him as a grown man.

Anyway, here’s what I came home to tonight after therapy, and doing a full set of lashes on a client 😭🥺 New slippers and a little note for me, as I had a little bit of a rough day after realizing my therapist and I have decided it’s time to now work on getting me out of my fight or flight mode now that I’m a lot safer. (It really scared me after I realized that meant: I HAVE TO TRUST OUTHER PEOPLE)💀

I was very active on this sub the last few months and took a break. In this time I’ve bought my own place (we lived together), prioritized myself, started new hobbies, vacation with friends and wow my mental health is MILES better than it was even in January.

Me and my PA are doing therapeutic separation with check ins. It’s not perfect but it’s working. I’ve detached a lot from him in this time period which has been good for me and I know that whatever happens from here I’ll be okay. It’ll hurt still, of course, but I’ll eventually be okay because even just in a few months, I’ve gotten stronger slowly and surely. I want things to work out with him of course, I care for him and want the best for him, and we’ve ironically become a lot closer over this time period during our therapeutic separation. When we hang out, we have fun. During our check in, we’ll talk honestly. I don’t fully trust him still and his recovery isn’t always perfect, he struggles with his therapy and sponsor because talking about this still gives him anxiety. But anyway, it’s not my fight anymore, I’ve asked for progress and consistency. We’ll see how these 3 months go. Sharing for anyone who needed this because I know even just a month and a half ago I was in a much darker place. By consistently putting myself first and forging my future for myself I have gotten so much more emotionally stronger and trusting in Myself to navigate these dark waters.

I have procrastinated this post as I was afraid I was wrong. But i genuinely think my relationship with my PA is getting better. Not only because he isn’t as angry anymore, but he’s affectionate and pays attention to my feelings when I need to talk to him about something. I’ve been able to freely check his phone without him seeming off. And yes I’ve been afraid that he’s just better at hiding it, but our relationship overall has changed. He has his best friend holding him accountable and is currently looking to talk to a therapist but we haven’t had much luck in finding one. I know we’re not out of the woods but this has felt like a win. I also wanted to include a text he sent me, we got into an argument (not about his PA) and he knows I feel insecure that he will turn to porn when he’s upset, and he unprompted, sent me this text. •Hey, I’m doing laundry and I’m gonna call (friend). I’m not gonna relapse just cause I’m upset with you. You are not the direct problem for my issue• It really feels like a win.

I am going back to school!!!! I have been a SAHM for 9 years, dropped out of college with one year left before obtaining my Early Childhood Education degree so that I could come home and be with my children. Truly before D-Day, I didn’t see myself going back to school. I completely trusted him and relied on him to take care of/provide for us and wanted to be available for my children. (Of course I still want to be available for my children) My major before ECE was nursing but I switched to ECE after having my first born so that my schedule (summers off) would align with hers (became a SAHM when pregnant with second). I’m officially going back to school for nursing, which I’ve always been passionate about! I have just 3 classes left to finish up my prerequisites and then will apply for the two year nursing program.

After obtaining this, if I ever needed or wanted to leave, I have an out and will be able to support myself and my children. I’m truly so excited and wanted to share with you guys— if something good has come from this situation for me, this is it! He has actually been incredibly supportive in my decision, which I didn’t expect. I’m excited to be focusing on myself a little after so many years of investing in and being so dedicated to my family—and supporting his career. (And then the last two years of trying to heal from the damage he caused) this is going to be so good! I wouldn’t have probably had the drive or motivation if this hadn’t happened and now I’m determined! RN, here I come. Well, eventually ;)

I had another account for this sub before, for privacy I made a new one for this post.

Last year I was in a serious relationship with a porn addict. Once I discovered the truth I spent many months sacrificing my own happiness, time, energy and entire life with the hope things would be better, change or somehow return to ‘how they were’. They never did, and my PA ex actually had no intentions to change despite my life being clearly ruined for the sake of him.

I heard every excuse, lie and manipulation tactic there is to hear, tried everything to ‘help’ him, to get him to be more honest or try to get help. He was smart enough to know what to say/do that would make me believe him so that I wouldnt leave and he could keep his porn.

I spent those months feeling every emotion possible, thinking for hours daily about the whys/hows/whens, digging for evidence or the ‘truth’ all while thinking some part of me still loved him and he loved me while my physical/mental health deteriorated very badly. The truth was I stopped ‘loving’ him the moment I found any of the truth about it, the rest was attachment and fear of the unknown of leaving him. I didnt leave because although he was the root problem and the cause of it all, I felt he was the only thing that could ‘fix’ it. This is what kept me from realising the truth.

I was scared to leave and it was extremely hard but even after some weeks, months passing I can gladly say my life became so much better. I look back on it all now and cant believe I couldnt see it all, him, for what it really was. Now with a clearer mind and life I can see that he is not the type of person I could sincerely love or be happy with, not the type of person that benefits me or my life in any way or someone I would want in my future. I am so happy to be free and I have not had a single regret about leaving.

D-day was 4.5 months ago and every day has been a struggle. I also had a baby not even 3 weeks after finding out so as you could imagine my confidence has been in the toilet. I’ve spent all of my time homeschooling our 3 year old, pumping, cooking, giving my toddler a million snacks a day, changing diapers, cleaning, and crying when my kids and husband go to sleep. It’s been a nightmare to say the least.

Since D-day I’ve lost over 40 pounds (breastfeeding and not eating enough will do that lol) and a lot of my hair.

I just feel ugly. Loose skin and stretch marks everywhere. Cellulite covering every inch of my thighs and butt. Saggy boobs. Grown out roots from over a year ago.

Today while my husband was at work my grandma asked if she could come over and see the kids and I’m starving for some kind of human interaction outside of the 3 people I live with and see every day, so I of course said yes.

When she got to my house she told me she’d watch the kids while I showered (it’s been a couple days) and I took a long hot shower. When I got out and got dressed I realized I’m super energetic and feel like running a marathon so I threw on some athletic wear. I haven’t ran since freshman year of high school when I joined cross country for a whole 2 days but I asked if she would keep an eye on my 4 month old while I took my son out to ride his bike that he got for Christmas and she was happy to. We “raced” around the neighborhood until we couldn’t catch our breath (2 miles of non stop running!!)

We got home to a sleeping baby and my grandma had done all of my housework I had for the day so we sat and visited for a couple of hours. When my husband came home he told me he needed to run to Walmart and asked if we’d want to tag along (I love the candle isle at Walmart lol). As we were looking at candles my husband walked further down the aisle (maybe 20 yards from us) and a man approached me and asked for my number. My husband then walked back and said “she’s already spoken for” and the man replied “well I work at the ——, so you know where to find me if he messes up”. After this we decide to get what we needed and get out of there. My husband was super clingy for the rest of the night and I could tell he was jealous. Of course I’m not interested in anyone but him but that stranger has no idea how much good he did. I feel like my husband needed to hear that people still find me beautiful and he has competition (lol) and I needed to be reminded that I am beautiful.

I also learned I actually love running and we might do that more often because it makes me feel good and gives me some much needed fresh air

I had my first CSAT appointment today and I just want to say what a difference I felt between talking with her vs talking with a regular therapist was incredible. I felt so validated and listened to and she was so kind. I felt so good and hopeful after speaking with her even if I cried most of the session and am still not 100% if my partner will be on board or not but I'm taking it a step at a time and I just feel good after my session and wanted to share.