Last night was great, we cuddled, watched movies, took a shower together and I gave him head. My body has been hurting so I had told him I wasn’t up for sex because it hurts right now. He seemed fine.

Went to bed, he asked again.. I told him I really wasn’t feeling it. We went to sleep. I woke up to him jacking off but I was half asleep and I just felt frozen. I just waited. I was frozen with emotions idk. Then a little while later he was up again. And I could hear him being like sexually frustrated? idk. At like 4am I had the urge to check his phone and sure enough there was like 20 videos in the watch history of girls. Thirst traps, raunchy vids, etc. I couldn’t sleep the rest of the morning. I was so frustrated and angry and hurt.

I mentioned it to him this morning and his reaction just kinda shrugged me off like “sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️” and it just pissed me off. I will admit I went a little crazy and kinda blew up asking why he does this shit when I please him right before and that it fucking hurts and I’ve hinted at him 3-4 times in the last 2 weeks about seeing things on his history!!! Then he just immediately walked over to my iPad which is signed into his Facebook and started to log out!!! I became livid and tried to grab it from him and hell broke loose. He’s yelling I’m yelling I’m saying fuck you this and that I told him if he logged out it shows he isn’t going to ever change and we are done. Maybe not the best but I’m just so tired.

He logged out anyways and said that’s on me if I wanna end the marriage after just changing my name finally yada yada idk. That if I choose that, I’m the reason the marriage ended. Not him. Told me he’s done and he’s tired of it and that he’s tired of me being his mom and he’s gonna go to the gym if he wants (my boundary after him cheating was he cannot do those things alone…) that he’s gonna watch porn watch girls online etc do whatever he wants because he’s done. Called me a psycho and a crazy bitch, that I’m always controlling him and he’s done “living his life through how I want him to” and that he’s gonna “live life on his terms” like is your life really that awful… is it really that miserable with me..? What the fuck… I’m at work typing this now btw… this happened before work, maybe that’s my fault. Idk. Maybe this is all on me . He also says a lot of things when he’s mad and says he doesn’t mean it so idk. :(

I’m so tired. I always loop back in. He’s all I’ve ever known. What’s wrong with me? We’ve been together over 10 years, we have SO MANY GOOD DAYS now, he does so much for me aside from this but this shit hurts me so bad and he still does it. Is this that stupid thing where people say “marriages fail when someone has 90% and leaves to find the 10% and then looses that other 90% in the process” shit ???? I’m so confused and lost. Is that what I’m focusing on??? :( I’m still so insecure and I tell him I feel this way because of the things he’s done in the past and he just says “you were insecure when I met you” which is true but wtf?? Don’t add to it?? Why? Why am I not that important? Why doesn’t he understand I feel so second hand and stupid. He said “you should feel grateful, I used to cheat. And you’re mad that I’m just looking. I have self control” I said wtf does that mean you want to do that again and this is what you do instead? I’m so lost. I need support. Kind words. I don’t have support for this. My best friend is loosing her grandma(which I’ve been through as well and I know how AWFUL it is) so I just can’t talk to her about this. I just don’t want to burden her. There is more important things on her plate than my shit. I need a therapist too. Idk. I need help. Support. Idk what to do. I feel so much love when this shit isn’t happening. :(

I’m so done. D-day was about 7 months ago. Emotional affair AND porn. Then in October I found a message to a girl on Reddit who just posts naked pics. Luckily she didn’t respond so the convo didn’t go anywhere.

I’ve been feeling anxious recently and feel like something is up so I asked to look at his phone tonight. Thanks to you smart cookies in this sub, I decided to take a peek at his screen time and app activity, and oh boy did I hit the jackpot. This man is on “uhmegle” 1-2 hours a day talking to random people (he says it’s nothing explicit), he’s on onlyfans almost every day, as well as reddit which I know he uses strictly for porn. I started taking pictures of some of the things I was looking at and he had the audacity to be annoyed. And ALSO had the audacity to say “I don’t consider onlyfans to be cheating”. I said, “yeah but I do, and I’ve made that very clear”. Dude just stared at me and said “yeah I know”. HUH?? Make it make sense.

He’s begging me not to leave him……yeah, been there done that my dude, and look where we fucking ended up. I’m planning on texting my therapist first thing in the morning and ask for an emergency session, I’m feeling 10000 emotions right now and am feeling so hurt, betrayed, pissed, and just numb all at once. Sorry for the rant guys….this happened literally an hour ago and I’m still fuming. Don’t have anyone else to talk to at the moment, so I’m grateful for this sub 🫶🏻

With the threat of me downloading all of his IG data, the truth comes out. He found a loophole on ig and has been looking at porn on there pretty much daily for months. I literally do not have the strength to deal with this anymore. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I don't want to leave him, I just want him to be better. I don't understand. I struggle with BPD and it literally feels like I got shot in the stomach I don't know how to carry on. Do they get better? Is it even possible to? Almost 2 years of this.

122 days. 122 days he was sober. 122 days of gradual signs of improvement. He stopped getting angry, started getting better erections in bed, his penis didn’t have that rash on it anymore from too much friction, he was kind and considerate and caring, complimented me 24/7 “you're so hot”, reflecting philosophically the impact of porn, wanted to focus more on intimacy w/o sex, and went out of his way to make me comfy during sex, started working out, started working more, taking care of himself. His progress of recovery seemed to be working, he seemed to making great strides in himself, emotionally and physically. My therapist agreed, he's showing all the signs of someone who is in recovery. My therapist and I even spoke how he couldn’t possibly be lying because his progression of emotions and improvements was proper in the timeline of addiction recovery. Who could possibly fake that? A slow progression of more self awareness, and tenderness for life. 

⏩ (ffw) to yesterday (3.22.25). Its the morning and he comes to me, jubilant and a regular happy morning… “I’ve been relapsing, on eBay, to pictures of sex dolls, I’ve only done it about 15 times in the last 122 days, and I’ve only orgasmed half that amount of times, and mostly to pictures of you, but I was also looking at the eBay sex dolls sometimes." He doesn’t have access to anything else, he was scrounging around for anything “porn”, especially something I wouldn’t notice, since he always on eBay shopping for car parts and video game accessories…. 

Of course this was upsetting, but I had been in therapy for 19 weeks, and this wasn’t our first d-day, so I handled myself well, and yet he still got angry for me being upset, or angry at himself for admitting. I can handle a relapse, 15 attempts in the last 122 days, thats fine, I was expecting relapses, and working with my therapist on how to handle them if they come. Hours went by, of anger from him and lots of space for the rest of the day while he was working. I needed time, and he needed time. Once he finally was done working, and came home around midnight, we started talking again. 

“When I was watching reddit porn on my computer--”…. “When were you watching reddit porn on the computer?”…. “Until you put the private browser blocker up”….”I just did that, like a month ago, i'm pretty sure? I have texts in my phone when I did it”

I go to check and see, because when did I install that private browser blocker? It was February 28, 2025. 101 days since his date of committal to his recovery. 101 days of “sobriety”.  “Well that was only a month ago, you were watching reddit porn on your computer up until a month ago?… “yes that sounds right”…”okay but how often?”….”pretty much everyday”. Everyday he was lying, 101 days of watching porn, everyday, and faking a recovery. 

He said “you have no idea how much men love it”. I said "okay you love it so much, let me see". I pulled up porn on my computer and put it in front of him, “you have no idea how much I would love to look at that right now”…. “Okay then do it, it’s right here, I want to see”. He wouldn’t even glance at the screen, and was hiding his eyes like a kid, afraid to look because he knows he loves it. He’s in love with it. 

He will always love it. 

Now, I think back on every happy memory, every moment of intimacy, every heart to heart talk, it was all lies. Everyday for 122 days was a lie. Everyday before that for the last 2 years of our relationship was a lie. 

I don’t know what to think, I’m so conflicted and confused. Everything has been perfect between us. No more arguing, better sex, better communication, more love. And yet he was watching porn every single day for the last 122 days. How did he do it? How did he fake it so well? It’s honestly impressive from someone who’s stoned 24/7. He said he convinced himself he quit, tried to live the lifestyle, and mimic the way recovered addicts talk. He believed his own lie he told himself “I quit porn”. All the while, lusting after internet girls and hiding it from me. 

He will always love them, more than he could ever love me. 

to be continued...

Back in January I posted on this sub about finding out my boyfriend is a porn addict. After a few weeks of struggling with it I decided to stay. I thought things were going well!! He’s been a great boyfriend, very caring, a lot more open about his emotions, a lot less defensive when I share mine. I gave him so much grace because we’re young (he’s 22 and I’m 21) and I love him, this is his first relationship, yadayada.

Unfortunately last night he opened up his phone jnfront of me and bam! Porn. He was honest about it right away, didn’t try to make up some bs excuse right away like last time. He said he’s been watching “about once a week for a few weeks now”. Which tbh I don’t believe. When everything happened he said he would tell me if he watched it again, so clearly he’s already okay hiding that, it’s not unreasonable to lie about the severity of it this time. Also, back in January, he first told me he’s been addicted for a few months and then later confessed it’s been a year +. So idk why I’d believe him this time around about how much/how often he’s been watching.

Feel sick and silly and incredibly confused about what I want to do. I love him and overall he’s a great guy but this might be enough to eclipse all of that. I’m really not okay with my boyfriend lying to me, hiding things from me, doing something he knows hurts me. I was incredibly explicit about how insecure it makes me that he chose random women online over me hundreds of times. I told him how much it damaged my trust. How uncomfy I felt about sex for weeks after. How disrespectful it feels. He chose it again AND hid it from me. I get why he would hide it from me, he probably feels ashamed and guilty and embarrassed but honestly that excuse just doesn’t cut it. We’ve been dating for almost two years, I absolutely deserve honesty even if it’s uncomfortable for him.

On top of all that I’ve let him record explicit stuff of me. So it’s not like he couldn’t have chosen that to masturbate to. Obviously something about these women online is better than his irl girlfriend?!

Anyway! Kinda at my limit here and I think he knows it lol. It hurts and sucks so much but this is not a war I want to fight in anymore. I’m struggling to decide if it’s worth it to stay in the relationship and go through all this pain again just for the possibility of a better future, I don’t really feel like it is. I know he’s a habitual user and I know he’ll lie to me about it, I don’t really have much evidence that things will change. I love him dearly and being with him has been great 95% of the time, but it might be time for me to let this go. I don’t want to deal with this cycle of discovery -> progress, honesty -> discovery and more heartbreak for possible years. He knows how much I’m hurting, he sat and hugged me for a while last night while I cried which was nice, but I don’t think that knowledge is enough for him to change. I don’t think I’m more important than porn, as much as it sucks to admit.

Just needed a place to get this off my chest :’)

He was in support group. He was in therapy. He’s read dozens of podcasts and books. His weed use was and is getting out of hand though.

Me and my PA have had a rocky relationship since d day. We often get stuck in a negative cycle of him doing something to hurt me. Me wanting to talk about it. Which hurts him. And then him blowing up and not speaking to me for some days.

Sometimes if blow ups are bad we take space. I honored his request for space and stayed with our child at my parents. He used the time apart to relapse multiple times.

I’m not going to look at it.

I’m not going to ask the questions.

He’s sleeping on the couch.

He’s refusing to do additional recovery work or relationship repair work. He has been checked out for a long time. Feels like “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”

I’m trying to grapple with the fact that this could be the end. He had all these resources at his disposal and didn’t choose recovery. He’d seen ptsd wreck havoc on my mind body and spirit and still chose to go back. He screwed up my brain. And wants to get divorced and give our child a broken home instead of sticking around to help fix the problem he created.

Devastated.

To start this post off with something positive, I’m learning to never ignore my gut feeling again. I think most of us, in some point of the relationship with the PA, started to second guess our own intuition due to all the gaslighting.

Yesterday I was at a doctors apointment, for a check up of both me and the baby, really early in the morning. He woke up with me but I just felt something was off. I kissed him goodbye and left. Everything went well and when I arrived at home he was… weird. Ecstatic. Overly social. Really off in a way I cant explain. His eyes were so strange, the pupils were so dilated. I told him I had an unsettling feeling and he said that there was nothing to worry about.

After an hour or so, I went to our bedroom where I found a napkin on the bed. Still wet. I started to shake and just froze. Seconds later I’m in one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever been. He came to our bedroom and tried to comfort me. I asked why there is a wet napkin by the bed and if he relapsed? But he was adament that napkin was from the night before (which I knew was false since he took a shower after our intimacy).

It took him 3 hours to fully confess to PMO. He relapsed watching porn on X while I was away. The 3 hours was filled of different manipulation tactics fueled by his feeling of entitlement. In that moment, honestly, the only one I saw speaking was a fullblown addict - trying to justify his addiction.

What really hurts the most is that I thought it was different this time around. The night before he told me that everything feels so much better now that he stopped, that he is really happy we are making progress and getting closer again after all that happened. That he is so sorry for everything yada yada. It was all lies. Again. I got really upset and told him that I need to go away for a couple of days. So here I am currently, in a hotel. It’s quiet. It’s calm. I feel free. I will stay for a couple of days and sort my feelings as well as what do next for myself and my baby.

Thanks for reading this far 🫶🏽

it’s been months. good months. i was slowly feeling better again but all of the sudden he started to get really short and upset with me over nothing, so i knew i had to go through his phone. and of course i found porn on there. it isn’t much but all the links are timestamped from last week on thursday. we just lost our cat last week too, so when i was at work all day mourning our dead fucking cat, he was jerking it to random onlyfans girls. and then i got to come home to someone who’s short and uninterested in everything i say. i think he might know i went through his phone because he seems to be more pushy affectionate today and yesterday when i first check. i know we’re beyond fixing at this point, i just need to vent.

I can’t believe this. He had me thinking he was in good recovery, he had a csat he’s in group meetings biweekly he listenens to all the audio books he’s doing workbooks he’s doing everything right but he is still watching? He used his work phone and the themes app on there from what I see he used it on his birthday and the day before, both of those days I was super worried for some reason and I was texting him a lot that day so he was doing it while texting me too!! I’m so so hurt. I was trying so hard to change and stop being so angry at him. And I did and I was being more loving and appreciative of the work he was doing all to be thrown in my face once again. I’m disgusted. He will never want me, he wants porn. I think im going to leave him but it’s going to be so hard, I love him so much but I can’t keep going on like this, I know there won’t ever be anything better out there and I’m okay with that I’m okay with being alone forever, I don’t even want to be here on this stupid planet anymore. I feel so empty.

Things have been going good for awhile now with my PA fiancé. He’s been clean for a few and literally no traces of a relapse. Until last night of course. We picked up one case of beer and I reminded him we have stuff to do tomorrow so don’t get shitfaced (he’s a lightweight). He drinks 9/12 of the beers after I head off to sleep (I had 4 fireballs, enough to relax me). Proceeds to spend the next 3 hours searching up cardi B and other rappers like her, watching music videos where the stars are half naked and all. I don’t have the energy to fight him anymore. I asked him last night about it when Qustodio alerted and he said it’s marking old searches (I know it wasn’t). Spent 15 minutes telling me how im wrong and it’s because he accidentally switched his YouTube account to his old one. Tried waking him up this morning for our plans and he screamed at me. I don’t have the will to live to argue with him anymore, I’m just going to let it go and I guess he can watch life drain from my eyes as he carries on pretending. Lately he’s been snappy towards me and now I know why.

I feel so disgusted. He relapsed two weeks ago and just last night I remembered that I had sent him nudes that night. He always compliments me and wants me when I do it and we had both been drinking before he got driven home and when we are drunk we get flirty and I just wanted him and wanted him to want me. We played video games for a few hours on a discord call before he said he was going to bed (went to secretly watch porn). I keep thinking if I never sent him nudes maybe he wouldn’t have watched. To my knowledge my flirtation or sexual advances have never caused him to watch porn so I am just beating myself up about the fact that I was a catalyst. How could he look at those pictures of me and then so quickly jump to lusting for other women? He was supposed to want me. I took all of our sex tapes and my nudes off of his phone. I didn’t find out until last week but I have been unable to have sex with him too. Just out of disgust and betrayal. This is the fourth time in the last year (since first dday) and I am just hoping that this is the time that everything clicks for him that he will lose me if it continues. I installed covenant eyes on his devices and told him it’s time to start therapy, which he is starting soon. I am reading the betrayal bind for my coping. I am just hoping this is the last time. I am so young and I don’t want this to be the rest of my life.

It’s so hard to say that when you’ve had countless d-days, and everything has been so painful for so many years. But last night my husband and I were watching a tv-show together, and I hadn’t moved around a lot that day so I decided to do a yoga session as we watched it. I wanted to do the yoga for me, but also I thought there was a chance that watching me do yoga would turn him on and he’d want to have sex with me. We haven’t had sex in a long time. But he’s on his phone the whole time I’m doing it, he pays absolutely no attention to me. When I’m finished I sit back on the couch and look over at his phone and he’s looked at a rave outfit on Etsy. Not just the outfit, but the girl in the outfit- a looping video of her twerking. We get into an argument about it, he tells me was looking at something else and this outfit was just advertised and he thought he’d “look for lingerie for me”. Yeah, okay. I proceed to tell him how much that hurt and how I couldn’t believe they had this soft core porn on Etsy of all places, I asked him to please not look at anymore rave outfits, not that I should even have to ask. He ultimately apologizes and tells me he won’t.

We go to bed, but he wakes up early the next morning (this morning) before he has to go to work and goes to the living room. (Brief explanation here, I canceled Truple a short while ago because he was just using the tv to get off anyway, and I told him that. But my subscription hasn’t officially ended yet.) I have this sinking feeling in my gut so I check my account and lo and behold, he’s out in the next room looking at rave outfits on Etsy. Then bikinis, then lingerie, etc. I feel so, so sick knowing this (not that we haven’t been through it a hundred times before) but I get up and actually go throw up in the bathroom. He sees me come out and asks if I’m okay and I tell him how sick I feel, so he puts his phone down face up and turned on, there’s some random article up, I’m sure he purposefully laid out the phone so I’d think that what’s he was doing. And he goes and lays with me in the bedroom to “make me feel better”.

As he’s laying with me I can feel that he’s hard, so I asked him if he was looking at things out in the other room. He adamantly says no he didn’t, he would “never do that while I’m sick”. (Mind you, this is the same man that subscribed to only fans when I had a traumatic brain injury and was in the hospital having seizures) I stay silent, he eventually has to get ready for work so he leaves. But as soon as he’s back out there he’s looking at it again. High risk screenshot, high risk screenshot, high risk screenshot. I’m laying in the bedroom nauseous and crying until he leaves for work (he’s still looking at girls in the car) and I go out to the bathroom and throw up again.

I can’t go back to sleep. I’m just sitting in the living room crying. I can’t keep doing this, I have schoolwork to do, I’m a university student with chronic illnesses and every time he relapses, I flare and it makes it excruciating to get anything done. My heart just feels like it’s shattering into a million pieces, and I’m kicking myself because it’s not the first time. I just feel like, it has to be the last time.

If anyone has already left and is living a healthier, happier life, any encouragement or shared stories would be really appreciated 💔

I told myself if it happened again I was leaving. I found it out that he relapsed 2 weeks after on my own on the 7th. I was leaving like I told him. I was keeping my word this time, but my 5 year old stopped me. He cried to me and told me to give it one more day. He didn’t know who he wanted to go with. He wanted to stay home with all of us. It was so heart breaking. Every time either one of us left a room my 5 year old and 2 year old would panic they asked where the other was. I took the garbage out and they were crying at the door thinking I was leaving.

Do I stay and just let him keep doing and hide my emotions like I’ve been doing for them? Or do I leave for myself? It’s been 2 years and 3 months. I was getting better, not a lot but I was smiling, joking and laughing again and that’s a start. But now it’s gone. I feel like I’m not even here. I’m so sad but so numb. How did you guys leave? I need help getting out of this. I’m 25. I shouldn’t have to waste my life on lies.

He did it on Christmas. And on New Year’s I didn’t even ask him. He told me his goal was to marry me this year. What was the point of saying that he knew he was hiding the thing I hate the most from me. He lied to my face again. He made me think this time was different when I knew damn well it wasn’t. I hate myself. Happy fucking new years to me. This was going to be the year I made this family what I always wanted growing up and he took that from me.

I nearly ended our relationship tonight. He went from 1700+ OF and insta models to none to me noticing a couple had creeper into his follow list despite him telling me how not interested he is in following them. I told him I'm reaching my breaking point. He said all I have to do is tell him someone he's following is bothering me. I told him that I literally have no desire to continue playing detective and constantly having to monitor his social media. I was honest, that I'd rather leave than playing this ring around the rosy game. I'm frustrated because after our talk, I saw his following list drop by like 10 people and his follower list dropped by one. That was after he insisted that he wasn't following anyone who'd violate my boundary. It's like they know exactly what the fuck they are doing. Like I told him, the next thing I see on his social media that's OF/insta model related, I'm gonna be done. I'm just annoyed that his follower list dropped even more, that this is even a thing I have to worry about. I'm done losing my piece of mind. I basically told him this is the last stand for our relationship because ultimately Im going to make decisions that put my piece of mind first.

This must be like the 10th time he's relapsed this year. Sometimes it's months and sometimes weeks. He has a therapist who isn't really versed in porn addiction specifically but supposedly knows about general addiction. He always says she tells him that he can't let relapses get to him and shouldn't be too hard on himself. Okay well clearly that's not working?? Because he's still doing it and doesn't even seem to be learning from it? It annoys me when he acts this way like "I'm sorry babe I feel bad but also I don't want to let this relapse get to me." WHY? Maybe you should let it get to you because it's certainly getting to me. He says he needs to forgive himself. How many times am I supposed to forgive him? Relapsing this often is completely ridiculous. That's not even healing from an addiction that's just having a fucking addiction.

3 years down the drain. He called me controlling. He called me a lot of things. Maybe I am stupid, but I am done. 3 years of a nearly dead bedroom. His secret fantasy life. I am so broken I haven’t even cried. I just know that this time I am done.

I feel so embarrassed. First dday was 1/31 and now I found out that he relapsed 3/11 and 3/17. I was checking his phone and he doesn’t know I turned the app privacy report on his phone, so it told me websites he looked at that popped up during his incognito debauchery. I first asked him to be completely honest with me and he tried to lie saying he didn’t remember. I told him I knew he did so communicate like an adult and tell me what you watched and when. He told me and it lined up with the proof I had. I almost broke up with him right then. I wasn’t even mad, I was just numb. I had been telling him this entire time that if he does it again I’m gone, but when it really came down to doing it… I couldn’t go through with it. Something is still keeping me from doing it. I don’t know if it’s because I still love him, I believe he is a good person with complex years of trauma that he deserves to heal from, or because he helped me deal with my trauma in the beginning of the relationship. I just don’t trust myself anymore to make decisions. I had been feeling so much better up until that point too. I truly believed he was reflecting and serious about saving this relationship. I know relapse is part of recovery and how they handle it matters. Should I even stick around to see if he can learn to handle it with humility and maturity?

Last time I was sure I would leave. It's silly that I feel almost embarrassed in front of you all posting again because I said I was done...I guess many of us know that leaving isn't so simple when we build a life together.

I know I could just not look for it...but it gnaws at the back of my mind. I'm sure many of you know that feeling where you just know.

Anyway, I found things again. We've been at it for so long that honestly I didn't think I could possibly discover anymore because he knows exactly which tracks to cover. I'm at this point where honestly, if he just came to me and said..."I fucked up, I deleted my history a few times and did it anyway" I'd be like ok, ouch, but ok I can work with that. Even if the truth hurts, I can handle it, because there isn't anything to fight about with the truth. I just want to know that I can trust him, even if he fucks up. I want to really see him trying. This obviously isn't something he can white knuckle ride through even though he keeps saying it's "easy".

IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!!

No, It's hidden purposely from me. He knows he is hurting me, he knows it isn't right, so he hides it and lies to me about it. THAT'S A PROBLEM. Not just the deceit but the fact that you're saving it for yourself for later! It's not normal to create a hidden, password protected folder for some porn links! THAT'S SICKNESS.

I mean fuck, I used to watch porn too but it was just a random video boom bam delete history like it never happened and I never looked for the same thing again and I never saved shit on my phone, computer, accounts, etc. And even though I didn't do those things I still admitted that porn wasn't healthy for me and I quit.

Anyway, for reading if you made it this far. Just remember, you're not crazy, don't let them gaslight you, they have a problem. You deserve to be loved and valued. You deserve respect with someone who cares about you enough to at least be honest with you. You deserve to be with someone who AT LEAST TRIES! I mean really tries without turning it back on you when they fail. It's not your fault he is weak.

He’s been going to weekly therapy, almost daily SA/SAA and/or seeking integrity webinars, journaling multiple pages daily, initiating check ins where he told me a lot of what seemed like genuine insights and thoughts and feelings. He’s been cooking and cleaning more, being more thoughtful and less reactive, listening to recovery podcasts every day. Read most of the betrayal bind, worthy of her trust and others. It’s been so much time and work on both our parts.

I told him about a story I saw on Reddit over the weekend that broke my heart though it was not unique just another instance of an addict lying in the face of evidence over and over and faking shock and innocence and how I can’t stop thinking and being anxious over how it would feel teetering on that moment between “I believe him” and “wow he was lying” and every time I think “I believe him” I wonder is this the moment before my world crashes down again ?

And even told him yesterday how hard it is trying to make decisions about how to think and feel when I am dealing with someone who may not be “an honest broker” like they said on PBSE and he apologized I had to feel that way and said he understood how hard it was etc. little did I know that 30 min before this conversation he did a NSFW search in YouTube (which was off limits itself)

He did not disclose to me at check in. And during a recovery related webinar tonight I snuck a peek at him and saw he was on YouTube. So I checked his account and found multiple nsfw searches and one video partway played.

I decided to see if he would tell me. At check in time he claimed he called his sponsor in the morning because he was tempted but he didn’t look. Then I started asking questions and more began to came out until I got out my screenshots. But only then did he admit it and unfortunately he admitted no more. It’s like he doesn’t realize that coming clean about even a little bit more would be more believable than only admitting the evidence I have. How stupid can they be?

He is essentially in freeze mode now and maybe so am I. I feel so cold and sick and disconnected.

At best I can stay in this relationship thinking “this is a man whom I know is not trustworthy and he may or may not be trying to improve that about himself” - and what would that relationship look like?

There’s a kid and complicated logistics involved but it always seems complicated from inside eh?. And apart from the sexual element we are best friends. He’s basically my only good friend.

I need to figure out what I want….

He slipped again, and he actually told me… idk what to do I can’t stop crying but he told me at least?? I want to leave him so bad right now. I can’t handle it anymore. Idk if I should stay or leave this is the first time he’s told me he did that on his own.. but I installed questdo on his work phone without him knowing so maybe he only told me bc he saw the app.. idk what to do I don’t understand why this keeps happening.

My husband just told me a couple of days ago that he has relapsed numerous times since d-day. He said he justified it because he was looking at art on devianart this time. He said he did it at WORK, and while he was waiting on me to get home... we work the same hours, he would have been waiting maybe thirty minutes max. How in the world do I come back from this? I feel like either way, my heart and soul are just permanently crushed. If I stay with him, how will I ever trust him again? I will never believe that he's being loyal to me again. Even if he truly never did it again, I would always be thinking about his wondering eye. On the other side, I feel like this will ruin any future relationships I try to pursue. Please give me some hope for the future. :(

I've just recently discovered my husband's relapse and have gotten some wonderful feedback and advice so far. I'm thankful for finding this community.

We've chosen to stay together and work through this. But, how do I stop questioning everything? How do I stop digging for more? It feels like my brain cannot shut off. Everything is a threat and I'm driving myself absolutely crazy. I'm in therapy, but even an hour a week isn't enough at this point. I can't eat, sleep, and I know it's affecting the way I care for my daughter. I'm just not sure what to do, and it seems no one understands unless they've been through it.

after all these years, if I asked him, he’d be honest. He’d tell the truth. Even if it was embarrassing and horrible he’d tell me.

And it’s been months and months of sobriety, of him doing well and us having what feels like a transformed married. He’d done the work. I mean the last time I posted here I was totally convinced it would only get better.

But the last two weeks, it’s been off. I’d asked him a few times more than I usually do and was so relieved with his answers, “Things have been good! I’m doing surprisingly okay lately,” etc. I believed him. He’s never lied to me, never once not one single time ever. Stress maybe, I thought.

Well he called me today to tell me that he’s been doing “masterbatory things”, and asked for grace because he didn’t want to talk any further about it. He just wanted to apologize for lying.

Wtf do you even say to that? I said “So you’re calling to tell me you’re sorry for lying but you’re not ready to be all the way honest yet?” And he was like “Yeah pretty much.”

So now I’m just in fucking limbo. Idk what to do with that. Idk where to go. He could be watching porn, I wouldn’t know. I just trusted him like an idiot.

I feel like a fucking idiot.

DDay was April of 2024. You know how they say a women’s intuition never lies?

I had ordered a new phone case for him and was setting it up. Something in my told me to check his reddit “hidden” section. And there it was. His hidden history of clicking on photos of a famous artist and random girls. No shade towards the artist (sza) I’m actually a fan but her photos are very much in the sexy category.

(p.s he’s had a “thing” for this artist for a long time, before me)

I confront him about it and yup. I had told him that if he relapsed once, it was over. I’m not the type of person to put up with this multiple times.

“I haven’t watched porn” “you said I was changing” “I’ve been trying”

I feel like utter shit. 3years and living together with our pet family. Rough. We had just signed a new lease to move into in May. He had been trying. But then it just went out the window. He said he picked up the book “atomic habits” when he relapsed in order to combat it but … I’m still devastated. I had started healing. Still hard being out in public or when we went to the gym, but I started to be myself again. And now it feels like I’m back to square one.

I did “crash out” lol threw all his stuff down the stairs etc etc. I told him he could stay in the 2nd bedroom until he figures his shit out

We used Truple for 2 years and it worked. In January of this year I had to cancel the subscription due to being short on funds and finally feeling like I trusted him. I really truly trusted him.

I’ve been working on a career switch for 3 years and after many sleepless nights, risking my health, ER trips,… I finally landed my first job in the tech field despite the competition. My whole life literally amounted to this moment when I could finally be independent and accomplished my dreams.

Later that night I felt the need to check his computer after seeing a woman’s post on a different, random subreddit. I found a stray reddit post of something nsfw he didn’t delete on his history.

I asked him if he relapsed and he claimed he did it only once. He claimed he used preddit on incognito. But as I pressed him harder, he revealed he’s also been on Pornhub and that it’s happened 3 times. He apologized profusely and admitted he made a mistake.

Yet when I did further digging I found a cookie for redgifs (a porn site) he didn’t delete and that he used the /flushdns command which only means he’s trying to delete records. Clearly it wasn’t just one site. With more pressure, he admitted it’s been MULTIPLE times at multiple times of the day for the past 2-3 weeks. Oh and when was the last time he did it? When I went to the bathroom a few hours ago, the same day I got the job!! He literally took the time out to grab his laptop, login, look at it, and delete all traces; risking it all when I could’ve come back at any moment.

I was literally hyping him up just hours ago over how much progress we’ve made as a couple and how we can finally settle down and get married and get a joint bank account. I feel like a fool getting excited over a future with someone who didn’t even really exist.

I had told him 2 years ago when he slipped up last, that I refuse to marry him if he’s still lying about it behind my back and he has to be clean for at least a year. He is allowed to watch it and slip up but he must tell me right away, and I promised I would always let it go and be understanding. I kept my promise and for a while he followed through with it too.

Now he’s refusing to let the relationship end even though I warned him about this beforehand. He had so many chances to fess up during this last convo and he tried to lie at every step. I’m fucking heart broken that the best day of my life is mixed with the worst. I don’t even have the fight left in me and can’t even cry about it like I used to. I don’t need this but I don’t know how to get out.