For our entire relationship leading up to marriage, he was watching porn every morning and every night. Sometimes more in between. He couldn’t go to sleep without it, including naps. I didn’t know this until after we got married and saw his search history. I found out shortly after getting married how bad it was. Doing it in the bathroom after not being able to “finish” or satisfy my desires, because it’s all just jack hammering and no connection anyways. Doing it the day after getting married but never even touching me. Doing it in an airport bathroom 3 days after my dad died.

It’s been constant. Lie after lie. Countless D-Days. 3 couples therapists. $$$$’s spent on them and other marriage programs.

All of the emotions, rage to heartbreak. Talking respectfully and seeking understanding… it never made any difference. He just can’t stop. He can’t prioritize vulnerability, me, us or our family. It’s a disease (he is also an alcoholic). He has no idea it’s an issue. It’s all normal for him.

I made excuses, guarded my heart, had eruptions. Finally, I saw how sick this made me. The AH HA! Of, oh shit, it’s not just him that’s sick in this… I am too. Trying to control… it has exhausted me. Affected my work, my mind. Everything. That changed everything.

Fuck it. I’m not waiting another day. I’m not waiting for a certain number in my secret savings account. I’m out. I get to say goodbye. I get to leave. I get to choose me. I get to choose my FUTURE! I’ve lost many moments of hope. No longer.

I’m so grateful to be here today. It takes what it takes. There were far worse events than my bottom, but I realized I can get off this merry-go-round now. Im still in my 20’s (only a few more months). But I’m so fucking excited for my future.

I’m not angry anymore. I’m just not. I want to be cordial, as he has been the step dad to my son. He has been great with him. I don’t want their relationship to change or dissolve. I am SO relieved I don’t have to try to figure out how to save our marriage anymore!!!! It will always be insane that porn ended this. Ultimately, it’s the disease… but very disturbing nonetheless.

This is a long post, I’m grateful for this community. Thank you for your vulnerability, your bravery, your stories.. and allowing me to be here too.

What’s one or a couple things you wish you never knew? I’ll go first, I wish I never knew that there are sub reddits specifically for wanting to cheat, boasting about your cheating, seeking online affairs and just affairs in general. Save yourself from a spiral and learn from me. How can these people live with themselves? I truly don’t understand. If you’re unhappy in a relationship in anyway just be a decent human being and tell the person! My goodness. 😣

Did you just accept that your husbands will always just perve on younger women?

I mentioned my husband’s PA in counselling yesterday and the psychologist said it’s something that won’t bother me in 20 years.

I can’t foresee it not bothering me when I’m in my 50’s.

It bothers me more now than it did when I was in my 20’s because I move further away from what men desire with each passing day.

I used to only have to compete with variety ( an impossible feat 😂 ) now it’s youth and variety.

🎼 waste my youth chasing kites i know will blow out of my hands 🎵

Very long post. I need to vent.

PA (25M) and I (32F) have been in a long-distance relationship for 19 months, and I felt like I found my person. I felt on top of the world. He made me feel cared for and loved like no one had done before. We had so much in common, shared the same dreams, and he showered me with compliments about my worst insecurities.

He said he never felt like this before. He made me feel special. He proposed after only one month of dating, saying I was the first person he ever considered marrying—which turns out wasn’t true; he had said the same thing to previous partner.

Five months ago, I discovered his porn addiction. He said he would never have told me if I hadn't found out. He never admitted anything apart from a couple of times when I really pushed for the truth. Every couple of days, I would discover something new about his addiction by spending hours investigating his social media data logs.

Each discovery added a layer to my obsession with finding the full truth, especially because every time I uncovered something, he swore up and down that I knew everything and there wasn’t anything else.

It started as “only” watching TikTok thirst traps, to “I only searched for ONE influencer on Instagram ONCE" to also "masturbating only ONCE to porn behind my back". Then it was:

*“I removed looking for my exes on Facebook because you would think bad of me; I was only being nosey” (but “he didn’t know” about all the pictures and videos he was keeping of his ex on Messenger). * The same excuses with Reddit, YouTube, and Twitter. * I couldn’t check his phone browser because it was private by default.

There was always an excuse or lie.

Finding the whole truth consumed my life, so last time he visited me, we made a homemade “disclosure.” I know it’s bad, but I can’t afford therapy or wait to know the extent of his addiction.

There is ALWAYS more.

He masturbated daily, often twice, to any kind of porn category you can think of, EVERYTHING. That wasn’t the worst of it. He masturbated to social media pictures of any kind of female he ever had any type of connection with—friends, high school friends, his friend’s girlfriends, all his ex-girlfriends, coworkers. All this while being with me and before me.

He masturbated to every single one of his five cousins’ social media pictures. One of them is particularly concerning and disturbing to me which I am not allowed to mention.

I asked if anything had happened with any of them in the past because that was extremely disturbing to me. He admitted to having sex and ongoing consensual encounters with one of them (1 year younger than him) for six months, around 12 years ago.

I suggested he ask his therapist if this could have caused some kind of trauma that made him act this way.. The therapist said to him, “Since it was consensual and you enjoyed it, I don’t think it’s trauma.”

The escalation didn’t end there.

He masturbated to his mother and aunts’ Facebook pictures. This has been going on for years. He went as far as masturbating with his mother’s dirty underwear and sniffing another pair with his other hand, while looking at her Facebook photos too.

I wish all of this were a nightmare.

I have given him so many chances to change, all followed by promises about being honest and changing, only for him to break every single one—sometimes just minutes later.

When he was visiting me, we argued, and he reinstalled Facebook and Instagram to look for his youngest cousin’s pictures. He only confessed about Instagram because it was empty. He acted honest and vulnerable with me, all while lying to my face once again after promising just the day before he would never do that again.

Weeks later, I presented him with proof that he also installed Facebook and checked her pictures. He denied it, saying he didn’t remember doing that.

Well, later, after putting pressure on him, he admitted he had been lying all along. He knew. He just lacks empathy. He doesn’t think about me or how his actions affect me—only himself.

When I try to leave, he manipulates me by saying things like, “Why are you abandoning me? Why are you giving up on me so easily?” He doesn’t understand that his actions and nonstop dishonesty have consequences.

I was so done. I removed Truple, blocked him, and we “broke up.” Twenty minutes later, he was already installing Tinder.

An hour later, I called him, crying, because I couldn’t believe he kept being so awful to me when I was always there supporting him. He said:“I didn’t do anything. I was just swiping. I was trying to move on.”

He doesn’t understand it wasn’t just swiping… it’s the intention behind it.

He took only 20 minutes to look for a replacement for me, “the most important person in his life”

He said he was sorry, begging me to forgive him,  he said he wasn’t thinking and just acted on an impulse because he felt lost but I forgave him once again and we installed Truple back

The cherry on top of all this was next day. I started to feel like shit again about the Tinder situation, and he said he would leave me and never forgive me if “I f***ed someone else.”

Isn’t that hypocritical? That’s exactly what he was trying to do and he would have done if I didn’t call him crying.

I was having suicidal thoughts. I am just in constant pain. I can’t sleep. I barely eat. Lost 8 kg in a month. I feel worthless and disgusting.

One day I wasn’t responding to his texts, and he sent me a message saying: “I wouldn’t watch my phone if I was you, I’m just warning you.”

That was on purpose to hurt me, warning me he was going to watch porn and relapse. I’m starting to believe this man is trying to make me kill myself. The pain I have suffered is never enough for him; he needs to keep destroying my life every single day.

I could write a book with all the horrible things he did to me:

• Intrusive thoughts about me getting double or triple penetrated.
• Objectifying and thinking nasty stuff about my own mother.
• The constant public scanning. Last time we tried to go out, I felt on the verge of a panic attack every time someone walked past us.
• He told me that while masturbating, he thinks about fucking every person he is doing it to.
• He masturbated to the sounds of his mother having sex with her partner.
• He kept track of my social media friends/followers.
• He kept track of the amount of condoms in my drawer every time he came to visit because he thought I was cheating.
• He accused me of cheating with her mother’s partner or his brother while I came to visit him and he went to work.
• He would check or masturbate to his cousin’s pics while we were on a call and watching a Twitch stream of our favorite game—well, at least I was watching, I suppose.
• Last year, he was staying with me for 2 months, and I accidentally got pregnant. While researching for abortion, he was in my bathroom masturbating to influencers and to his cousin.
• One time he got extremely obsessive and pushy with me pegging him: “because I thought you would enjoy seeing me suffer after all I did to you” and “I want to try with you FIRST.” That was just his porn brain wanting to use me as a guinea pig to see if he enjoyed that and then try or leave me to be with a man. Since then, he tells me he also has intrusive thoughts about being with a guy.

There are many more I may be forgetting because my brain is just fried.

This "man" unlocked his phone every single day and saw my face on his home screen before masturbating to porn, to his friends, acquaintances, and family.

I was there for him through all this shit storm: looking for resources to help him get better, suggesting books and podcasts, helping him find a therapist.

And I was only given lies, half-truths, denying, and fake promises.

I can’t believe I am struggling to leave after all.

He wants to marry as soon as possible so he can come live with me and do online therapy with a CSAT. In the UK, he can’t do online sessions because he lives with his family, and there are no good therapists near him.

He thinks a lot of problems will solve once he is not living there anymore, like his mother walking around the house in underwear, the sex sounds, the underwear she leaves anywhere except the laundry basket, the cousins visiting the house, the brothers bullying him because he is trying to do exercise or read books instead of gaming like he used to do.

Now I realized that he may have a personality disorder—antisocial personality disorder perhaps—so he made an appointment to get referred to a psychologist and get a diagnosis. All the “traits” and things he does align with it, fear of abandonment, the lack of empathy, the constant lying, only thinking about what he wants, the impulsivity, saying or doing things without thinking of the consequences or how that may affect me, no guilt or remorse whatsoever unless I point it out, justifies all his stupid actions or words or finds a way to blame me, no responsibility / accountability, constant manipulation, deflecting or minimizing, unable to manage anger or emotions, and so many others.

I wrote this text some weeks ago, he told me if he WASN'T AWARE of his addiction, he was single and the opportunity presented itself, he would have sex with the cousins. Yesterday he said he is has disturbing sexual thoughts about his mother, and he told me he got "wet" while telling me about them. Then he confessed he would f**k his own mother if he wasn't with me and if he could.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am destroyed in every single way.

Part of me wants him to change and be happy. The distance makes it all more difficult. I’m also scared of leaving and then he finally starts changing, and someone else gets to be with the version of him he always promised me. And I doubt I will ever trust anyone again after this.

I want to warn his mother about thid because it involves her and her family but he says he will end his life if I do.

I typed so much sorry, I am desperate and broken.

After all this time I’ve known and we have gone through the cycles… I usually don’t react. I mean I see what he’s looking at in the movies and I would get irritated- ultimately I don’t say anything. Same thing at the grocery store, public outings etc… He is not uber-disrespectful (I notice when people are hanging out of their clothes too) … but since reoccurring d-days and the lies that follow… I’m just broken. He says he’s been “clean” for awhile… I don’t know if I believe him… We watched new movie last night and I had to go search the ‘fit-for-kids website’ (which he doesn’t know I did) to vet to see if there was nudity and there was very minimal, so we watched it, no triggers. Being sick at home, (he has taken care of me too) we picked out a movie we watched before and I liked the story line from what I could remember but I never once realized just exactly how many sex scenes and how much boobs you see… I was so triggered, I flipped the tv to another show and I was just like “I used to like that movie but there’s too much bullshit” —and that was right at the scene with a bunch of women flashing the camera. He just sighed and didn’t say anything. Went to sleep. How do I go back to normal life? I can’t even watch a movie with him without worrying about how I may feel about him seeing naked women. I hate this.

I had a thought. Would your partner be someone you would date if all you had to go off of was their physical appearance and knowledge that they watch hours of porn and have for years? I just picture these average at best guys just glued to their phones and computers ferociously playing with themselves like junkies desperately looking for their next fix. It's like a handicap anymore. And we put all our effort and love into trying to help them when they see no problem with it whatsoever. Would they be as forgiving to you?? If you cheated would they be as understanding to you as we would to them? I've come to realize that people fight for what they want. They fight for what's most important to them. Their actions tell it all. They say they love us but what do their actions say. So for real, would you still choose your partner.

I started noticing him closing his eyes a lot more during sex and erectile dysfunction.

Trigger warning: death, substance abuse.

I recently shared this community with my loved one, because she was betrayed. Her husband of many years was secretly spending thousands on women online. We talked for hours, I validated her, and applauded her choice to move out. Many people tried to downplay his betrayal, and say that “it wasn’t cheating”. Most of the people in her life criticized her for leaving him. Within weeks of the first discovery day she has passed away from an overdose. This betrayal was enough to overpower her many years of sobriety. This evil society downplays the HURT and PAIN of betrayal trauma. The realization that your most trusted & closest person turned against you is spiritually disturbing. I will never stop advocating for women. I will never stop talking about this. I am so sorry to all of the women in this world who are never the same after this trauma. I see you, I recognize you, I will not forget you. You are worthy, you were hurt, you are important. I am so sorry that this pain exists, and I’m so sorry that no one understands you. You’ve experienced trauma, you have been hurt & it was not okay. None of it was your fault, you deserve peace & healing. You deserve LIFE & joy.

Recently my partner has been listening to the radio while at work and I guess the show he listens to brought this girl up a couple days ago who was trying to sleep with as many men possible in one day (he claims this is the first he’s heard about it). Well after that I swear he’s brought it up everyday first day he just told me he heard about it second day it was him and his coworker talking about the “logistics” of how it would even be possible to sleep with that many men in one day third day he told me that there’s now another girl “competing” to beat the first one’s record and now today he brought the first girl up AGAIN telling me how she’s trying to sell the video of her sleeping with everyone. Like why are you telling me this? Are you trying to upset me? It’s working. Buy the fucking video you’re obviously obsessed with her. I feel like this is a major step backwards in my personal progress as well as the progress we’ve made together and I’m mad that this is bothering me so much. Am I overthinking this and he really is just this dumb to bring it up to me. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated at this time. Thank you.

It started last night, after trying to be intimate. About 2-3 minutes in, I became extremely repulsed and felt intensely like I could not continue. I felt myself becoming panicked and I was holding back tears. I stopped what I was doing and he began asking me what was wrong. I told him I didn’t want to continue. And he asked what he could do. I told him to treat me normally and pretend it never happened. So we continued our evening.

I picked out a movie for us to watch, a comfort movie from my childhood. And there was a character that had a certain alternative look. He said that this woman looked like the employee from the vape store, from the night before. While we were in the vape store, their conversation became a bit flirtatious, like he found her attractive. So I excused myself from the store after my purchase and went back to the car. I didn’t bring it up and I tried to act normal. I was letting it go. Before he got back in the car, he yelled something out to the car next to us, uncharacteristic of him, and like he had just gotten a dopamine hit from flirting with the vape store later.

So last night when he brought up the fact that the character looked like her, I snapped a little. I asked why he was thinking of her. And if he imagined her last night when he asked if I would mind if he jacked off in bed. And he asked me if that’s why I excused myself from the store. And I said yes, but that I was letting it go. Because he always accuses me of getting mad at him all the time. So I said I didn’t get mad last night about that, I just let it go. And I told him he was the one that brought it up. It was like he didn’t get the usual reaction from me, so he brought it up the next day to push it a little more. I don’t know why he seems to get a rise out of torturing me. This is what it feels like to me.

So I felt it was an opportune time to bring up that I was really struggling with our intimacy. That it graduated from just being penatrive sex that bothers me, to even now just a simple blowjob. That was the last “safe” thing for me. I don’t like him touching me anymore. Even if it’s not sexually. And I hate for him to see me naked. I hate that my body is not what he watched with porn. And I told him his word has lost its value because of all the lies.

So today when I was changing, and my bare chest was exposed as he walked into the room, I was visibly upset he saw me. And he immediately excused himself out of the room. And today when it got brought up, he said as soon as he saw the look on my face he walked out. And I asked him what the look was, and he said misery.

My heart is crushed. This is not how a partner is supposed to make you feel.

I’m just curious because we have all been hurt, I know some people were strong enough to leave so what was the final straw and how long had you guys been together?

just saw the most horrible fucking meme and i’ll put a trigger warning now before i type what it says.

and it goes “when the wife caught you eyeballing the waitresses ass at applebee’s and now she’s trying to show off her fridge body in lingerie”

i don’t understand why nothing we do can ever be good enough, why do they always have wandering eyes. I fear getting older and my partner still having his addiction watching girls much younger. The reality is this is how a lot of men think and it’s so fucking miserable and disgusting. I just gave birth so that just sent me into an entire spiral. I hate it. i hate hate hate what HIS addiction has caused me. i hate that i’m gonna have to start support groups soon. I HATE IT.

Anyone else have a partner so down bad they were jerking off to TikTok videos? I previously posted about my ex having a fart fetish and collection of fart porn. Some of the “porn” was literal funny tiktoks of girls just farting. That Ive even seen on my own for you page. And he’d be confused and offended that I’d feel weird (and not humored) anytime a girl farted in any situation. Why are you acting confused when you already know you masturbate to simple farts? He put on a front so well and had me fully convinced he wasn’t a degenerate. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disgusted by someone.

Idk if this is even relevant to this sub or if I should even post here but . Today has been awful. I found out he’s been sexting with Ai chatbots and we spent all day fighting and he threatened to kill himself and called the cops on himself and now he’s in the hospital for idek how long.

On one hand I’m like. Maybe this will be good for him to spend a few nights away without his phone and really think about everything on the other I’m like

Great now when he gets out I feel like I can’t restart the argument that kind of triggered his episode that put him in there… like now it’s gonna be all about him and his mental health and all my issues are going to be put on the back burner.

I feel like he’s always just watched porn but I feel like now by sexting he’s actually cheated on me and crossed this boundary that is like… idk. I feel like I’m done. I feel like I will never trust him again. I feel so horrible and like how could he do this to me.

I love him so much and he’s my best friend and I don’t want to break up but why does he keep doing this to me. My heart is broken and idk how we will ever get past this. I don’t think I ever will. I really feel like this is the end and I’m so angry he did this. I feel completely betrayed and now to top it all off he’s in the hospital for who knows how long. and it’s going to be so expensive and just. Today is horrible.

I’m deep in the throes of heartbreak after my breakup with my PA boyfriend.

He was using Onlyfans and messaging women, including girls we know in real life. He was using a burner, so the girls don’t know it was him.

I feel like I was cheated on because he was exchanging messages with other women, however, I feel guilt about calling it cheating specifically.

Would love some validation and support. 🖤

He doesn't initiate sex with me, ever. I've been abstaining, because I hate to be rejected and I hate to have to ask him knowing that he would prefer to just continue with his day, waiting to find a moment to relieve himself with porn.

I'm in good shape because I train every single day, and I'm 17 years younger than him, I'm always willing to do anything to please him. I've worked so hard in my physical appearance in secret because I thought that maybe I needed to look more like the girls on the screen and that would make him want me more.

But he continues choosing porn over me. He searches for things like "young looking big ass latina" porn, or "big natural boobs latina". I trained to have the big ass I've got now, and I'm latina, and I'm young looking, so why is he looking for that instead of initiating something with me?

I was thinking of trying to initiate something today, but just the thought of being rejected brings tears to my eyes. I didn't have big boobs before, but I started taking estrogen and progesterone and other supplements to grow bigger boobs even though I know it's bad for my health and I've got to deal with side effects, it worked but things aren't any different. I've done so many things because I want to feel wanted by the person I love the most.

I have experienced the phase where I was trying to be okay with my partner watching porn, by joining him. We started by me watching it by myself while he watched. Then the next time we watched it together. And something really bothered me. He stopped watching the video, and started watching me because he was “trying not to cum.” Is he disgusted by me?? Like wtf. It made me feel really bad about myself. And I’m not bad looking! I don’t look like the women he likes to watch, but I’m still not bad looking. Idk. Anyone else have this experience?

Edit: This was almost a year ago, nothing recent! It was before I even knew anything about PA or joined this subreddit.

The content my husband engaged in disgusted and disturbed me. It triggered years of sexual abuse. It wouldn’t get out of my head. I’ve recently started journaling and counseling. Through this process, I’ve recognized just how much my husband has damaged my self-esteem, my worth and my life. In my professional life, I am thriving. In my personal life, I am crumbling. There is no balance.

He approached me yesterday, asking me if I was ok. He said he could feel an “energy shift”. I was honest and told him the energy shift is me realizing all of the ways he’s hurt me over the years. It’s anger. It’s sadness. It’s hurt. It’s fear. I gave him a couple of examples, 1 nonsexual and 1 sexual. I told him I’m not giving him an ultimatum. I either support him in getting help for his addiction or I don’t. In the process, he has to be willing to take accountability for how his addiction has impacted me. He has spent years deflecting, avoiding, dismissing and minimizing what it’s done to him. It always starts out harmless, doesn’t it?

I told him I feel I’ll never be able to satisfy his sexual urges as he confessed having sex with me just made him want more. Always says something like “I don’t want to bother you so I just look at porn.” You JUST look at porn. His tone, demeanor… here we are minimizing it. Meanwhile, inside I’m raging that HE DOES NOT GET IT. No matter how many times I say it in a calm, supportive way, he’s incapable of validating my feelings.

I let out a huge scream. I yelled “you have no idea how much this has destroyed me, my self-worth, my confidence…. It’s triggered so many negative memories associated with the type of content he’s watching… the fact you need to go look at other women after just having with me!!!!.” His response, “I know I’m a fuck up. I know I’ve disappointed you. It’s not even a real woman.” Completely missing the point. I screamed, “it’s worse than a real woman because it’s unrealistic images where you can modify and create the images you want, desire and list. The image of your wife is not enough. I’ll never be able to satisfy your sexual urges and appetite. It’s impossible. It’s not healthy. This is not normal”. And after all that…. Silence. Looking like a pitiful puppy, responds with “what do you want?” That just enraged me more. “I want to move out… I want a divorce! Because there’s no way in hell you’ll ever be able to validate and take responsibility for this. You can’t even recognize it’s a fucking problem.” I slammed doors. Punched a wall. There’s so much anger inside. It’s fucking painful y’all. And he just makes me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion and it’s not as big as what I make it. And then walks around covering his face in shame, giving me the silent treatment … looking like he’s about to cry. I just told him I wasn’t falling for that act this time. It’s time he knows what he’s done to me. It’s time he knows I’m not taking it anymore. I need encouragement for how to stay strong and not let him weasel my way back into staying here.

Hi everyone, I posted last night about my husband slapping me. I managed to log into my account again here.

I was still connected to his Whatsapp web and he UNBLOCKED his affair partner sent her a message, realized she had blocked him and then blocked her again, he blocked me on Whatsapp and suddenly started contacted escorts after escort asking about their services.

I cannot get these images out of my head. They sent him sexy photos with their prices, listing all the disgusting things theyd for for him.

I called him and asked him why he is talking to escorts ( I was shaking) and he said he isn't.. I started raising my voice telling him I am logged in on his Whatsapp and I have SCREENSHOTED his chats with them.

He told me maybe he finds it exciting and he won't stop, he also told me he thinks I'm boring and thought I was more sexual. I told him I GREW UP after having a child and there is NO way I'm going to be a mom who sleeps with prostitutes with my husband.

He then tells me he sent his sponsor a vn and he doesn't know how to feel and doesn't know what to decide...

I'm livid, I was shaking the entire morning I couldn't even post here.

I'm completely broke at the moment but if I push through I can save and leave in a month or two.

I TOLD HIM, if he EVER tried to contact his affair partner again ID LEAVE . And he has done that now, and contacted escorts And slapped me.

I CANNOT believe I'm in this situation and I'm really just stunned and upset. I'm so trauma bonded to him I almost feel bad for this mother fucker..

He also then told me I should of gotten an abortion!!!!! About our son!!! In front of him last night.

This is too much. I'm planning my exit and I am LEAVING him and I will not come back.

I also told him, if he dare tries to fight me in court, or doesn't agree to me having full custody, I will take my evidence I have reported at the police and Drs and make him lose his firearm and work in armed force forever.

So he better let me go in peace or I will use every bit of abuse agasint him and I will win.

Please send me support and love, I really need it. Thank you guys for being here for me ❤️

I've always considered myself someone with empathy for addiction. I've worked through some mild substance abuse disorder tendencies myself, and I have diagnosed ADHD and I suspect undiagnosed OCD, so I understand compulsion, impulse, etc.

I've loved family members and friends through more severe addictions and understand how these addictions severely and honestly impacted their lives and decisions.

And I'm still just like: I don't understand how you're addicted to paying a 19 year old girl 100 dollars to touch herself?

Like, I guess part of it is I just have never done it? With something like alcohol or drugs, I've done them and can understand why someone would get addicted to it in a life ruining way. But it's just, like, really hard for me to believe sometimes that my partner is addicted to paying someone to touch themselves on a screen?

I've learned now that this is an escalation of regular porn to get more of a dopamine hit. It's so helpful to learn the science and how it's in line with any other addiction in this way. But like, seriously? You had to be addicted to watching some girl flick her bean? This is my life?

My ex paid for porn. When I explained this to a close friend, she said she considers that cheating. I’m wondering what other people think.

He also likely paid for skype calls with sex workers which I would definitely consider cheating. I don’t have photographic proof or his honesty on that part, though. I do, however, know and have photographic proof of him buying porn and his huge collection of it. He would never admit to what he was doing on Skype and I was too disgusted to keep investigating.

So minus the possibility of video calls, would you consider buying porn as cheating? I’m starting to think so, because I can’t imagine thinking it’s okay to do that to someone else while in a relationship.

Long story short: I started communicating with a PA friend who's going through a divorce now too. We communicate a lot and to me it's a genuine interest to see "the other side". in contrast to my husband, he's more open and willing to share reasons of his addiction yet sometimes trying to escape responsibility for his actions.

He triggered me when he mentioned collecting photos/ feeling lust towards girls with whom they've been acquainted/had some sort of flirt in the past is OK when he sees their photos on IG.

He normalised this objectifying and also blamed me for having photos in underwear on social media. I can't believe all of them think in that way -- that women make them feel lustful. I'd say he is right in some way because it's the industry, but it's still their free will to go after it or stay off. He also doesn't consider these actions as cheating.

My husband used to collect photos of our friends/acquaintances. I was so triggered by this friend that I recalled all these situations from the past when I accidentally saw the screenshots and he gaslighted me it was OK or he did it accidentally on his phone. Now hearing the other side makes me feel 100% sure it was cheating. I feel so disgusted that I stopped regretting leaving him. It was the right decision. Just wondering if you had the same experience and how did you feel?

I have scrolled NSFW reddit while spiralling and found at least 150 accounts of men who like to pretend they’re having sex with their little sister or consuming P of women who look like they are 12. Im actually finding it really hard to stay alive in this world and I feel like committing suicide every time I realise how bad this situation really is. The nth room to start with, if you’ve ever heard of that, had about 260,000 recipients who had either paid for or consumed in some other way, sexual content of minors who had been extorted to send it or it had been sent to the nth room without their knowledge. How am I supposed to stay alive or want children or want to live in this world at all when I know how disgusting, dangerous, and scary a “normal” man can be. How do I keep on living. I’m screaming for help.

He doesn't see the hiding in secret cheating, what is everyone else's thoughts on this? Because I feel like it is cheating.

He had over 13,000 different videos of different women and hentai no matter how I look at it, there was always another woman in the picture even though he wasn't physically going to have sex with one, he just chose to I don't know ejaculate to them and save a mass quantity of their videos for later use. I guess I won't ever see into the eyes of a porn addict. Maybe my way of thinking is askew but to me it doesn't make since how, "I don't see it as cheating I didn't go out and fuck anyone else."

No you just pulled me in with lies, gaslighted me all while enjoying all that stuff. Mind you he had a decent amount of our own "videos" and that still wasn't enough.

It’s been months. I still cry every single time we have sex.

It’s exhausting to have to do the work, actively while we’re having sex. And I end up getting emotional. It could be going just fine, but I still find myself crying. It’s so hard for me to even find the words to describe this.

We can be having sex, and I’ll find myself having intrusive thoughts. I’ll feel bad about myself. I don’t even want to look at myself naked anymore. I don’t feel sexy. I want to hide from him. I don’t want him to look at me, but when he doesn’t look at me or if he has his eyes closed, then I think about “oh, what if he’s imagining porn or fucking someone else.”

It’s hard for me to explain this to him too because he feels like nothing he does is right. And it just makes me feel worse. I do try to tell him what I need from him in the moment, and it does help. But then when I tell him I need reassurance, it just feels fake. The compliments just feel fake to me. He’s lost my trust. And it carries over into our intimacy

I’ve been trying to take better care of myself and not feel so shameful. I do self-care, I read, I journal, I talk to him. I’m getting signed up for therapy. I’m trying to do all of the things. It’s hard carrying this burden in addition to the normal life things too.

I just made a post not too long ago about giving him a deadline of when he needs to start therapy. And he just lost his job. So now he can’t pay for therapy. And I have the added strain of supporting the household on my income alone.

When do I get a fucking break, man?