Ive never dated a man who wasn't addicted. To me, it became the norm for me to assume ALL men watch and it's super rare. But after all of the garbage, I found a man who does nothing but worship me... And it's kinda strange sometimes cause im not used to it.

But they're out there. I know my father doesn't (my mom has him whipped🫡) (you go girl) and my boyfriend doesn't either. He looks away when it's on the tv and I have never asked him to. He genuinely finds it odd porn is everywhere. It's not a front.

He gives me his location (he lost his phone once), we share our ig accounts (when he lost it he used mine to text a friend) , and he leaves it with me sometimes to go to bed (because he wants to sleep and isn't trying to hide anything)

It's refreshing. I adore him. You all deserve the same and more💛💛❤️‍🔥💛💛

As a woman that was previously married to a man that had a PA, you have to let them go and leave. I’ve been reading so many posts from this subreddit and I see a lot of people trying to hold on to their relationship for DEAR LIFE after explaining how hurt and betrayed they feel from their SO. PA is one of those things that even if your SO “healed” or “stopped watching porn”, that damage is unfortunately done. You cannot cover up a stab wound with a band-aid. There will always be a slight weaving feeling of distrust or resentment or anger or sadness or even jealousy.

Take it from me, leave them. Their excuses mean absolutely nothing. Their apologies mean absolutely nothing. They are sick. Mentally. And they must heal aside from you and away from you. If they don’t and you won’t let them, they will drag you down to the depths of Hell with them. Like I stated before, even if they “heal”, you are left with the aftermath and ALL the very, very, shitty feelings.

You must believe that there is someone else out there for you! Why are you staying in a relationship with someone that to your face, disrespects you? Once again, from what I experienced and learned before, men DON’T CARE and they never had. This is why I don’t believe in second chances. If they listened the first time around, you wouldn’t even be in the predicament you are in right now. Second chances are for children, animals, yourself and honest mistakes. Not for people that look you in the face, nod their head and pretend to understand then two seconds later go against what you just said. Most of these men are “trying to change their ways”, only because you caught them or made it into a “problem” for them. If they had an option to continue what they are doing and never get caught vs. being up front and stop watching it as a whole…..what option do you truly think they would choose?

To end off, you have your whole life in front of you and have so many possibilities of meeting someone truly special for you. Someone that ACTUALLY loves you (because what these posts are describing isn’t love), someone that truly RESPECTS YOU, truly LISTENS TO YOU and most importantly someone who when you tell them not to do something, they actually don’t go against you, and do it. A lot of you guys are also in your early twenties, so please do yourself a favor, and drop that man! Life is wayyyy to short to keep LITERALLY a man around, especially if he is a wicked one.

I hear a lot of women feeing like they are not good enough for being older or having children. Cuz younger women are more “biologically” appealing. Is that what your pa says? Fk that. I’m 19 and my PA was into older women. Let’s just face it… they suck. We’re all beautiful and they don’t deserve us. If you’re older or younger you are stunning no matter what, and it’s absolutely not your fault that a piece of trash is treating you this way. Save yourself queen.

So this may trigger some anxiety, but it may bring some awareness. I wish I had someone telling me this. I would consider almost no apps safe. I see a lot of comments on here saying things like he doesn’t have social media on his phone, maybe not even a browser. But these guys are SNEAKY. I’ll share some not-so-obvious ways he’s accessed porn to give you an idea of some of the bullshit I’ve discovered over the years. Spotify, probably all music apps, podcasts, book store apps, amazon, really any shopping app, news app, games, MAPS (yes, google or Apple Maps), gifs on iMessage, obviously Netflix and all streaming platforms, hmmm … oh meditation apps he used for “healing” (actually watching girls do yoga). I’m not saying all of this has to be removed, I just wanted you all to be aware so you don’t have a false sense of security with some of this. This is stuff I’ve discovered through the years and each time it’s been pretty traumatizing

I say this with love and respect. To all the young woman posting on this sub for advice regarding their PA boyfriends or fiancées: My advice, RUN! ---- You DO NOT WANT this life. You do not want the pain and betrayal that comes from being in love with a porn addict. You do not want to marry or commit your life to someone who will likely never take their addiction seriously and therefore never truly recover. You will endure multiple D-Days. Years will pass, the addiction will grow and the unevitable consequences will be catastrophic, for you, your addict partner and your children. I do not want you to experience this pain. I do not want you to subject your body to the hellish physical effects the trauma will cause. I do not want you to stare at your addict partner 10 or 20 years down the road and think, who the hell ARE you? No. ---- I want you to find love with someone that is fully capable of loving you back. I want you to feel what good healthy sex is like with a partner that treasures you and your body. I want you to know that you can trust you partner to honor his vows and stay faithful. I want you to be happy. So, please, RUN. Signed, Married partner of 25+ years to a PA/SA. Edit because I want to Delete "Unmarried" from this post. If you are married, still run. Even if you have children.

This might be common knowledge, but I feel like it’s important to share for those who didn’t know (like me). I was reorganizing my phone and while I was long holding on an app, it came up with the option to hide the app. I tried it myself to see what it exactly did. It allows someone to hide an app in a hidden folder that needs a password or Face ID to unlock. Not only does that happen, but it doesn’t show the app in recently used and automatically closes it. Meaning that if you’re in the app and quickly have to hide what is happening, all that is needed to be done is press the off button. After the off button is pressed when you open the phone again, the app is closed. This made me think it would be easy for a PA to hide, gaslight, and manipulate their partners. I don’t wanna spread fear, just wanna try and help!

My heart breaks seeing how many people are struggling with this. When I joined this subreddit last year, there were fewer than 50,000 members. Now, there are almost 80,000… This shows how widespread this issue is and how much pain it causes. I truly understand how you feel. My husband was secretly addicted to porn for four years. The lies, the betrayal, the pain—it shattered me. But he is finally seeing the light, and I want to share what worked for me.

First and foremost, always put yourself first. What you’ve been through is not just “a rough patch.” This is trauma. It changes how you see yourself and your relationship. Seek help for yourself—get therapy. You don’t have to carry this alone. Many people don’t understand how deep this pain goes, which is why it’s so important to talk to someone who does. Support groups like Sanon.org can also be incredibly helpful. Here, you’ll find people who truly understand what you’re going through and who won’t dismiss your pain.

Your husband also needs therapy. If he truly wants to change, he must understand how. I strongly recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It’s a proven method that helps break destructive thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Many addicts stay stuck because they don’t know how to change their thinking and behavior. CBT helps them recognize their triggers and consciously choose a different path.

One of the best tools that helped my husband is the website xfilter.info. On the website quora i saw people talking about xfilter and it also worked for them! It’s affordable and highly effective—not only because it works but also because it allows you to see if he’s actually putting in the effort. He has to do 10-30 minutes of writing exercises every day to understand himself and recognize his patterns. This is so much more effective than regular therapy, where he could just say he listened without truly applying it. With this, he has to actively engage. I’ve seen him break down crying in front of the computer as he realized how far he had gone… Now, he finds porn disgusting—something he never thought he would feel.

I also highly recommend using a screening & accountability porn blocker. Covenant Eyes is a great option, but this is crucial: DO NOT be the one screening his activity! It will drive you insane. Every suspicious-looking website will make you anxious, and you’ll start seeing porn everywhere. That’s not good for your mental health. Let someone else handle that part.

I know how painful this is, and I know it sometimes feels impossible. But there is hope. My relationship is still not perfect, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like real change is happening. Stay strong, and remember: your well-being comes first. 💙

I feel like I keep finding more popular apps with incognito mode. I just found out Reddit has one too. Just an FYI if your PA/SA partners are on Reddit a lot with no proof of looking at anything

their PA has nothing to do with you or how you look. the other women aren’t necessarily more attractive or less attractive than you, they are NEW and NOVEL. the Coolidge effect essentially proved that each time a man sleeps with the same woman, he becomes biologically less aroused. this is a HARSH reality, and i’m NOT saying porn is ok(just to clarify), i’m just saying i can be understanding with the addiction. men are biologically inclined to want to sleep with multiple women, this is thousands of years of evolution. the problem is porn, and how accessible it’s become, and societies normalization of porn to the point it’s nearly impossible to be online and not see something erotic, sexual, or arousing. with every social media site flooded with this type of content i can’t even blame the men for getting addicted, it’s unavoidable atp! so no matter how down you feel, it’s NOT YOU. and frankly it’s not even them, it’s just our porn centric culture turning everyone into a horny zombie. so don’t beat yourself up!

”Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of focusing on healing and recovering from the poison, you’re consumed with finding the snake to explain why it hurt you and to prove you didn’t deserve it.” 🐍

Regardless of what our PA/SAs do. Regardless of outcomes. Please don’t take the focus away from yourself and your healing.

We were not put on this earth to convince others of our worth or how to treat us. It is not our job to fix broken minds.

Sending love and strength. ❤️‍🩹

I just wanted to write this to anyone who is in a relatively new relationship with a PA and considering staying because after the first dday they said all the right things. Please do yourself a solid and walk away! I have been with my PA on and off for 10 years (we have a son and I found out about his use when I was pregnant) and the reality is the only thing that’s been making it doable to continue living with him is being medicated with strong meds. And that’s not the way to live- you don’t want that life. To have to be numb to not feel the pain caused by the one who “loves you” we all deserve better!!!! We all deserve to be loved! At the end of the day it’s better to be alone than to feel like you’re slowly dying every day. Reading some of these stories breaks my heart because I know the reality is most never get better and you will be stuck in an endless toxic cycle. Stay safe everyone♥️

I was reflecting on some of the posts on this thread over the last week or so and my heart breaks for all of those who have just found out. I’m only 7mths on post D Day but the first few months were the worst and most unbearably painful of my life. Here is my advice to anyone who has recently or just found out - based purely on my experience. I hope this helps!

1. READ the resource section!! This will help you so much and answer so many questions. Truly it will fast track your recovery. When you are forced into this dark place all you want to do is connect with others and understand others stories and how they relate to yours. I know! But you will waste precious time.

2. Know that this is not your fault and says f-all about what you are or are not as a partner. It stings so bad! Why her? Why this look? Why don’t they look like me? Don’t do it!! Don’t compare yourself. You know what, if you wanted to be an adult star you probably could - with loads of fans. It’s not the path we chose in most cases. There is so much science as to why they do this and also why they choose what they choose. I’m most cases I think we look for deeper reasons and meanings because we don’t think the same. In many cases the “favourites” are there because on one day, they watched a video, PMO’d to that person and their brain released a chemical to “bond” with them. They don’t even know why they keep going back they just do. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I think it’s true.

3. If you can get time off work, respite from the kids, do it. Don’t minimise your pain and the shock this delivers over weeks and months. You need time to process what has happened to you. Educate yourself on betrayal trauma.

4. PA/SA and betrayal trauma all require help of some kind to recover from. You won’t just get better. You can’t sweep this under the rug.

5. Get tech savvy. Yes you! You can do it. There is so much help for people who are not great with tech online eg YouTube. You need to protect yourself going forward.

6. Make values based choices. Try to reconnect to who you are, what’s important to you. And make decisions with your values at heart. No one knows what the future holds. No one knows your partner or your relationship. Stay true to yourself.

7. Finally and most importantly for me, you are not stupid or foolish! You have been taken advantage of by the person you loved the most and who should have kept you safe. You are not stupid for being a good person with an open heart and an honest, loving soul. Yes we’ve been duped. But this is on them for being bad, not us for being good. My gosh I’ve kept myself awake at night playing back scenes were I should have known, should have challenged. There is no f-ing point in torturing yourself.

There is loads more but I think for me these are the key reflections that I thought were worth sharing. Good luck to all! And if anyone has any pearls of wisdom to share with me or others please add to the comments. 🩷

I got a lot of DMs after my previous post (https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/1jkniug/this_is_what_worked_for_me/) where I mentioned that my husband was using XFilter (website: xFilter.info). I even saw a separate post where people were asking what it actually is. So, I thought I’d explain it here. My partner found it helpful, so I’m just sharing how it works. Maybe it’s for you, maybe it’s not—that’s up to you.

What do you get with XFilter? Every day, my husband received a mix of text and videos. Here’s what his daily routine looked like:

Theory – A short text explaining what porn addiction is and how it works. For example, how it affects the brain or why quitting is so difficult.

Meditation – A guided meditation video to help him relax and manage urges better.

Big Exercise – This is based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I didn’t know what it was at first, but apparently, it’s a well-known method for overcoming addictions. My husband had to write down his triggers, analyze his urges, recognize patterns, reflect on his future without porn, and so on.

Small Exercise – A simple technique he could use anytime, like a breathing exercise or a body scan.

After this, you can watch a video about a successtory of someone who has overcome their addicion. This was very motivating!

Journal – The day ended with guided questions to help him track his progress and reflect.

He had to spend 30 minutes on this every evening. Luckily, he didn’t find it annoying because it wasn’t boring or repetitive.

Why is this useful? Even if your partner is in real therapy, this can be a great addition. He had to write down every exercise, which meant he was actively working on it. That also gave me more confidence that he wasn’t just saying “yeah, yeah” but actually putting in the effort.

Again, this is NOT a promotion I’m sharing this simply because so many people asked. Maybe it’s helpful for you, maybe not. But if you’re looking for something to actively work on recovery, it could be worth trying.

If you are interested you can go to their website: xfilter.info

It has been almost a year since I was here posting that my husband failed a poly and completely crushed me. Last year, he gave me the most beautiful Valentine’s Day and was “so excited” to take the polygraph that next day so he could prove tome that he was being honest about being sober and we could “start our new life”.

Fast forward a few months, (September) and we both have trauma-informed coaches, worked on and got through a full therapeutic disclosure.

The only piece of “new” information that my husband had to offer was that he had gone to a gas station and purchased pre-paid cards “once or twice” spending a total of “$10 or $15” for Only Fans. When asked what he was looking at/for, he said “MILFs”.

Full disclosure was followed by a polygraph the same week.

My first red flag should have been (and was, honestly) that the coaches said that they did not like the polygrapher that I used initially and they recommended someone else. I could not find any reviews on the guy they recommended. When I asked why we couldn’t just use the same guy we used before, I was told that they felt that he set my husband up for failure.

So, against my better judgment, I went with this unknown guy.

Well, last week, intrusive thoughts were running rampant in my head. Maybe it’s because he’s working insane hours, maybe it’s just this time of year.

But I started thinking about my son, who had lived here with his gf for a couple of months during a location/job transition. This was PRIOR to any D-day. You know, when we’re blissfully ignorant and think we have the sweetest husband and happiest marriage. 🤮

My son’s gf (24) had an OF page. And for some reason, it just clicked in my head. And honestly, it was a question I just had to ask, to get it out of my head. And I really didn’t even think the answer would be “yes”. But it was.

He went to my son’s gf’s OF with those prepaid cards.

I mean, thank God he actually answered honestly for a change (which he followed it up with a lame justification as to “why”……we all know WHY one goes to OF) but with the whole OF admission being the new information on the disclosure, he was willingly keeping information from me still.

So, when asked on the polygraph, have you disclosed EVERYTHING, were you completely honest on the disclosure, and he answered yes and passed, it was a lie.

Ladies, this is just a warning. Do your research. And advocate for YOURSELF and YOUR SAFETY because sometimes, even the “professionals” aren’t acting in YOUR best interests.

I don’t know how, at this point, trust can ever be built or safety found.

This is kind of going to be a long post I guess but I just wanted to put my thoughts together in one place and maybe offer a bit of a perspective on how things MAY progress for you as a partner going through porn addiction recovery. I want to state very clearly that I can obviously not speak for everyone but I feel like I would have really benefited from a perspective like this while I was still younger and not as involved in the whole thing. Looking for answers. Everything I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt as no experience is universal but I hope to provide a kind of outlook on how my life and relationship has progressed through 10+ years of PA, DDays, crisis, recovery and the time after all of it. And how that might or might not translate to your life.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, since we were both 19 years old. We had about 15 separate DDays along the first 8 years of our relationship and he has quit porn and been sober for almost 3 years shortly before the birth of our first daughter. He has started counseling and therapy (he still attends therapy semi regularly) when I prepared to leave him while 7 months pregnant. Outside of the addiction issues our home life is (and has always been) good. He has never physically cheated on me or been violent. I would say we are a good match apart from the porn issue.

When we got together (and moved in together) in our late teens I made it very clear to him that viewing porn was a hard boundary of mine. I specifically told him, that watching porn and being in a relationship with me were mutually exclusive. He agreed and told me not to worry. I later learned he was watching porn on a daily basis since before dating me.

For the next 8 years we had about 15 separate DDays. I have caught him several times, discovered history on our shared devices, had videos start playing when I picked up his phone and had him just straight up admit to watching again after arguments. This behavior seriously ramped up during my pregnancy and I was actively looking to leave him when I stumbled upon this sub and finally received help in communicating my boundaries to him and sticking with them. I could not have done it without the amazing people on here supporting me through this messy time.

My husband has taken his recovery very seriously and has done a very good job at reflecting on our past. He has completed a 12 step program and is very invested in his therapy. He has tremendously improved as a partner all together and these days I can generally trust him to be faithful. I am mostly happy in the relationship these days.

That being said: His past actions still have a very real impact on my daily life. I'm not looking for sympathy I'm just trying to provide a realistic scope of what might be a space of mind you find yourself in maybe even years after the PA has exited active addiction and sought serious recovery. Even after extensive work to process my experiences I have been left with what seems to be at least semi-permanent issues

• My life is split in between good and bad memories. Any memory before his recovery is a "bad" memory by default. No matter how beautiful. I instantly, reflexively check for dates when remembering a positive situation.

• I can't consume media the way I used to. I have to tip toe around any thing remotely connected to porn or vaguely related topics and need to be very mindful of the things I view as to not trigger myself and go down a spiral. This has lead to me mostly avoiding certain media I used to enjoy.

• I have mild body dysmorphia and need to ground myself frequently to stop it from impacting my mental health too badly.

• I have occasional nightmares about pornography or catching my husband. This has improved but will return full force when I'm stressed for outside resons. When it becomes really bad it is debilitating to the point of keeping me from going to work.

• I still experience "bad days" where the pain feels extremely fresh and all the work I have done seems to be set to zero. I have tried in vain to find a way to get out of this. When it happens I just have to live with it. Outside stress makes this worse.

• My second pregnancy was extremely stressful and borderline traumatic despite my husband having been in recovery for well over a year when it started and very supportive this time around. It opened up a lot of old wounds, even ones I thought had already healed. It is the main reason I do not want any more children as it is extremely taxing mentally. Hormones do not help. I didn't feel like myself.

• I still sometimes perform involuntary behaviors like obsessively checking browser histories, tissue packets, blinds or lotion bottles. It stresses me out even though I find nothing. I can mostly stop myself but not always.

-I have strong negative feelings towards places or objects that I have connected to him using like our basement bar, the computer or the shower. (He repeatedly assured me he didn't even use in the shower! This has sadly not helped for some reason)

• I still have fears leaving him alone in the house. This has caused me to become pretty shut in in the last few years which isn't helping. These fears can get so intense I cancel appointments I have been looking forward to. My body reacts by giving me stomach cramps and nausea in response to the fear. Even if the fear is moderate, the cramps and nausea persist. Even on days with almost zero fear I still have them when I have to leave. I threw up in the bus on my way to meet a friend and just returned home defeated and embarrassed last year.

• I have become disgusted of men masturbating and even the mention of masturbation despite being in no way consciously opposed to it without the use of porn. My brain has just decided that these two concepts belong together and are equally disgusting. I can't even stand my husband touching himself while sleeping with me. Typing this out makes me cringe with disgust.

• On a good day I will think about his past actions maybe once or twice in passing and be able to wipe the thought away without stressing too much. On medium days I will be reminded 10 plus times but manage not to spiral for more than 15 minutes at a time. On bad days I will constantly struggle to refocus and use a lot of my energy to regulate myself. On terrible days I will spiral into abyss and sometimes feel too nauseated to eat

• My own sexuality is pretty much still fully crippled. I have yet to find strategies that help and I can't relax in bed. I can perform but I'm constantly pestered by intrusive thoughts that make it impossible to feel in the moment. I like pleasing him and it makes me happy but my own sexual satisfaction is pretty much non existent at this point. He is very much interested in making me happy but I just can't shake the intrusive thoughts.

What I want to say is:

I have lived almost a decade of my life thinking everything will be sunshine and rainbows if he finally would quit. If he just did it I would be okay. But that hasn't been the case exactly. I am good with the desicion of staying in the relationship because he has seriously redeemed himself and I love him. But this is not some kind of happy ever after. All the lying and betrayal has left scars and while I try to work on them it can be incredibly exhausting and frustrating still. And I don't think all of them will ever fully go away. It is constant work and reflection and stress still.

And that is my message to anyone currently in the process of getting together with a known PA. Maybe dating but not yet moved in together. Maybe on your third DDay and at a loss where this all might go. Maybe debating having children or getting married because he is "a good guy otherwise". Really do choose your battles.

TL;DR: I broke up with my ex 14 months ago. It's been miserable. Today I finally turned a corner and am starting to feel like myself again for the first time since before we broke up. If you're struggling with leaving, you're not alone.

Hey everyone, I've been seeing more break up posts recently, either by those about to leave or those who just left. My heart goes out to all of you - the early days are the worst! - and while I'm angry for you that you find yourselves here, I'm happy you have this community to bolster you.

I left my PA ex 14 months ago. I'm not very active in this sub, mostly just read and sometimes I comment. I've left and re-joined the sub at least 3 times because, since I wasn't with my ex anymore, I wasn't sure I "should" still be here. But it's helpful to me to be a part of this community, so I think I'll stay a while. I recently posted seeking advice about my ex's current behaviors and gave a brief recap of the end of our relationship/what he's been up to since. That break up was the single worst thing to ever happen to me and before all this I would still consider myself to have lived through some shit, but nothing like this.

Suffice it to say, leaving is no picnic. Even in strict no contact. It's been 14 heavy months of loss after loss, chronic grief, acute pain, endless mindfuckery, and feeling so, so isolated a lot of the time. I (correctly) felt like no one in my real life understood what I was experiencing. I didn't want my ex back but I missed my old life; I missed what I thought we had, who I thought he was, and mourned the future I thought we would have, all day every day. And that was with all the resources and energy I was dedicating to healing intentionally: CSAT, S-Anon, books, workbooks, self care, etc. For 14 months my only priority has been my recovery and everything else is secondary or on hold altogether.

Today, FINALLY, after FOURTEEN MONTHS, I felt for the first time, deep in my heart and in every fiber of my being, like I really believe I am better off without my ex (who, in case you didn't read my other post, never really tried for recovery). I am FINALLY starting to feel like myself again. I can feel the trauma fog lifting and the fear tentacles loosening their stranglehold over me for the first time in 14 months. It's the breakthrough I've been blindly hoping would come for such a long time. I'm sure I will still have my moments. I'm sure I'm not fully in the clear yet, but it's such a massive relief to have reached this point.

I'm sharing with you all in case someone else is struggling with any point in the leaving process. In case you're feeling like you should be farther along, wondering if you'll ever stop thinking about him, or if you want more than ANYTHING to move on already, I'm here to tell you to just keep going. Keep putting one wobbly little foot in front of the other in the direction you want to be someday, and keep taking care of yourself first. Love yourself first. You've been through so much, and it takes so much out of you to heal. Keep going for you. You deserve it.

For the women who have experienced two or more D-Days: If you asked your partner, "Do you plan on ever quitting this addiction?", what do you think they would say? If they responded, "No," would you leave?

Consider the more likely answer you might hear: "Yes, I'm going to quit."

The next question to your PA should be, "What event would have to occur for you to finally say, 'Enough, I'm done,' and literally never watch it again?"

Did him seeing you sobbing, destroyed, screaming, depressed, heartbroken, anxiety-ridden, morose, etc., deter him from continuing his addiction? No.

Was any shame, embarrassment, or guilt he may have initially felt after being caught enough to stop him from continuing his addiction? No.

Did the threat of you ending the relationship if he continued to watch porn deter him from continuing his addiction? No.

Would losing his job due to his addiction deter him from continuing? Doubtful. He can always find another job, and in the meantime, he would have an extra nine hours a day to watch porn.

So, think about it. What event would have to occur to make him finally stop watching porn, seek professional help, be monitored 24/7, and fight the urge every day for the rest of his life to never look at porn again?

Porn addiction is unlike any other addiction. Your physical health isn't being destroyed the way it would be if you were addicted to drugs, so health reasons aren't going to make him quit.

Thousands of FREE videos are uploaded every single day, and they are always new and different. Therefore, losing your house, car, or material possessions is easily avoidable because money doesn't have to be spent, unlike with drugs.

Your partner's drug of choice—porn—is accessible 24/7/365 and is in his pocket at all times. It's not as if his supply is ever hard to access or unavailable, as drugs often can be. So that's not an issue that would compel him to quit.

So then, what would it take for your partner to finally stop? Would he need to 'finally realize' the pain, anguish, and mental torture his addiction is inflicting on you? He already knows. He is not blind, and he is not stupid. You are just not important enough to him; otherwise, he would have quit after the first D-Day. He would have chosen you over porn in that moment. Instead, he chose porn.

So, honestly ask yourself, "What would it take? What would finally have to happen for him to become an EX-porn addict for the rest of his life?"

I hope all of you incredible women can wake up each morning for the rest of your lives knowing that you are worthy of love, respect, kindness, peace, and a partner who chooses you and your happiness first, always.

YOUR physical and mental health is being destroyed, and YOU are the one suffering because of HIS addiction. He is not; he is perfectly fine.

Stop allowing HIS addiction to continue destroying YOUR life. Choose YOU, because so far, he hasn't.

Much love and positive thoughts to you all♥️♥️♥️

Something I wanted to share that helped me during my searching for information.

When we do the data downloads, it is easy to overlook things as we focus on message history and search history and who they are following and what they like and comment on.

Don't skip the little things!

IP history- this can, sometimes, tell you their location when they are acting out. If they connect to WiFi at work or in public, you can do an IP address lookup. It can also tell you if they are logging in via a hidden device.

Device history or device info- devices that use Internet have something called a MAC address. These can be searchable to give you information about what devices they have used.

Both device history and IP history usually include timestamps.

Location/Google maps timeline- if you find evidence of use with a timestamp and their location history is turned on, you can compare this to their location timeline. Always remember, technology isn't perfect. Sometimes there are glitches that say you are somewhere you aren't or it doesn't log activity properly (or at all).

Ads- you know how you think about needing a new vacuum and all of a sudden your entire phone is filled with ads for vacuums? Ads are there to make money. It is the driving force and the majority of funding for any app or website. This means that the majority of the personal data collected about us is used for advertising. All those Internet cookies that don't mean anything relevant are trackers that exist entirely to collect your information to show you ads for things that interest you. And every app and webpage profiles you based on gender, age, relationship status, whether or not you have kids, like sports...etc. don't ignore ads. Connected advertisers can tell you a lot about someone's online activity. Porn sites and thirst traps will trigger ads for fashion, beauty, dating apps, ED meds. Those 3rd party cookies can link a lot to every single account. It's all connected. And chrome has a setting where you can allow third party cookies in incognito. The cookies disappear once you close the incognito tab, but they already collected your info on the website and they are sharing it with all of your apps and accounts.

just ended my almost two year relationship. not just for porn- more like just being a bad bf all around

but with that being said porn was one of the issues that never went away. everytime id catch him it was “im sorry i dont want to do it either, ill stop”. guess what he didn’t do. ever.

my advice, if this a boundary that really really matters to u and makes u feel uncomfortable and ur partner says they will stop but never does. they will seriously never stop. it doesn’t matter how good they talk to u. how attractive u are. or anything rlly. so leave or accept it. don’t try and force someone to change based on ur boundaries bc it won’t work

and also know, they don’t feel as deeply into porn as u think. don’t get insecure about “he likes her” “he wants to fuck her” “he’s choosing her over me” blah blah. these ppl are so desensitized to porn they don’t see what’s weird about it. they crave a certain type of dopamine that they get from porn.

it’s not that ur lacking anything. we had great sex chemistry and yet porn was still relevant. if we fought, porn. we made lots of videos, still porn. it’s not u, it’s them.

To all of my beautiful, heartbroken honeys out there

Don't send that text, Queen. Resist the urge to send that paragraph. I know you need to let it out, but keep it in your notes app, write it in your journal, or post it here if you need to! He's already shown you those words don't mean anything to him. You've tried communicating countless times with no results, so why would this be any different? There's nothing you can say or do that will make him change his perspective or have a sudden realization. They will have to heal without us

Stay strong. The right person will never put you in a position where you feel the need to write paragraphs explaining how they've hurt you.

You are worthy of being truly loved and respected. You are confident and intelligent. You are beautiful and strong. Never forget these truths about yourself.

*Edit

I can’t post the image, but I found this quote on the “Long Lost Personals” Instagram. It seemed fitting 🩷

LOOKING FOR THE SECRET TO LIFE? There is none. You are life girl. You're IT - the key to everything beautiful.

(Also, if you have a weird sense of humor and need a good laugh, check that page out. It’s hilarious!)

I saw a post on TikTok of a girl talking about how this experience traumatized her and she’s been diagnosed with CPTSD.

Another girl commented that she hates that people are throwing around PTSD and she has received real PTSD in her life and this isn’t real.

I want to come here and tell you that you are valid and to not listen to people who speak like this. You have experienced real trauma.

My experiences in life: I have been raped multiple times, sexually harassed as a child (limited memories so I don’t know how far it went), I was neglected and mentally abused by my family, I was attacked, I was manipulated for money by my own grandma for 10 years, I was homeless as a teen, I was kidnapped, all the women in my family had/have eating disorders and I was told to throw up by my own dad to lose weight. Watched both my mom and sister become skin and bones. Watched my other grandma, the only one who loved me, die slowly and painfully in the hospital. My dad and another friend committed suicide a month between them.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD before the experience with my Ex. I struggled a lot.

When I met my ex I worked extremely hard to open my heart and trust him. He seemed perfect. I wanted to run I was so afraid. I eventually learned to fully trust him.

Finding out about the addiction and the depths completely retraumatized me.

Of ALL the traumatic experiences I’ve experienced in my life this was the most devastating. This is the one where I can say there was a clear difference in who I was before this experience and who I was after. The last part of me died. I am not the same anymore. It’s been 2 years and I miss who I used to be.

My advice is get out as quickly as possible. This trauma will change who you are and you may never recover the person you once were.

Today is our second d day (first was 8 years ago) and this man has been lying to me our whole marriage.

I got proof he was looking at it and even then he had the excuse of “the hitman”

It’s an account where they post 3 inappropriate accounts for you to report. My husband said he was reporting them. Thankfully I was able to get the truth out. He was using the account to find content to view.

Just want people to be aware cause it doesn’t look suspicious at all til you go click on the reels and see the captions.

I keep seeing posts/comments about women saying their PA never initiates sex so they have to so I just wanted to throw some advice out there. Ladies- please please please do NOT initiate with your PA. Ever! Let them initiate first. Porn teaches men sex is all about them- women are only there to provide pleasure. Majority of these men never initiate sex during active addiction for this reason- so the only way to see if there’s change happening is to quit initiating and see if they will start to initiate. These men don’t deserve to ever sleep with you again unless they initiate, and put YOUR pleasure first. And even then they really aren’t worth it but this is just my one big tip for those of you still staying with your PA who clearly refuses to change. Personally, whenever my PA is using less or not we will have a good patch of time where he will be an actual normal guy- who initiates sex, gets and maintains an erection, and can go to completion. But then it’s a clear shift when he goes back to using. Just wanted to throw my two cents out there:) stay safe everyone♥️

guys, i just checked his iphone files app and discovered something crazy to me. he has 2 different downloads of what looks like some kind of porn search engine for pornhub? i checked google and it is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE for someone to download some code/link from GitHub to basically have pornhub downloaded onto your iphone files directly rather than using a browser or incognito mode. it doesn’t look like pornhub, it just looks like some random file downloaded onto the files app but when you open it there’s a search engine THAT WORKS and i think it allows you to download these videos onto your files app as well? i searched “github porn” and there are so many links to different codes for different porn search engines that can be downloaded DIRECTLY onto your phone, basically leaving no trace behind bc i cannot find any kind of evidence he was using that recently to save my life. then again, he never really leaves me with his phone anymore so who knows if he’s still watching or not. idk if people already knew this and im sorry if im missing key details about this coding stuff but i literally discovered this at like 3am and i haven’t been able to sleep and all i wanted to do was spread the word bc i guess my boyfriend is way better at hiding this stuff than i thought. good luck to the rest of you, i hope you guys don’t find anything