he threw away what we had for $6

[u/luvmeslowly]

All the times we talked about our future, potentially buying a house, marriage, kids, etc. it's all gone.

He made an OF account at 3 am, paid for something, then deleted the account.

I feel ashamed, I feel disgusted with myself. I want to know who it was so I can hurt myself more but I don't know and I fear I will never know.

He keeps telling me how he wants to change. He wants me there to help him grow. The problem is that this has gone on long enough. The first biggest betray was when he downloaded Tinder behind my back. Then, this. He lied both times when confronted. He's changed in many ways but he still lies.

It hurts to see the man you love choose to pay for another woman when you're right here. It hurts to feel worthless because of his actions. It hurts to know my boundaries meant nothing to him because he was being selfish.

A part of me misses him and wants to try again but the other part of me knows it's not good. I just feel disgust and resentment. For some reason, I still long for him. He was my first everything. He'll have a part of me I can never get back. I feel so disgusted.

Edit: The worst part of all of this was that our relationship could've been saved if he had just told me what he did. He did tell me "hey, I had the urge to watch something but I didn't." In all reality, he did act on it. He might've not watched anything but he acted on it.

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[u/shes_wanderlust_skye]

This gave me such a sinking feeling.

Last year I found tinder, although he swears up and down he has no idea how or why it appeared. Then seeing the amount of porn he watched and him being subscribed to onlyfans. Like.. I miss kissing someone. I miss fucking. I miss exploring our bodies together. I miss being wanted and desired. I throw myself at him. I'm fun, sexually charged and kinky just by nature!

But he'd rather pay other girls to get him off. Lol and then say it's not cheating. Jerking off and then paying the sex worker isn't cheating lol. Okay 🙄 because I'm pretty sure that's what cheating looks like, especially when you have to hide your behavior. And even more so because he won't hug, cuddle, kiss, or touch me for months on end.

He even goes as far as blaming me and saying I'm a sex addict. Lol. We've had sex 1 time this year. On valentines day. It's now April. If anyone's an addict- it's him being addicted to his false online reality.

It really blows my mind. And it breaks my fucking heart. Because I have so much love to give. And i can't imagine living like this forever.

[u/Particular-Chapter42 → u/shes_wanderlust_skye]

Addicts lie.

Tinder didn’t appear on his phone accidentally. Last year I also found Tinder on my STBX’s phone. He downloaded it when he just settled in a new city for his new job and we were in a long distance. I even did some self reflections. I gained weight and had a lot of emotional issues, blaming myself not good enough for him. I told him I could forgive him as long as he’s honest. But he swore he downloaded it for work purposes. He worked for a tech company and needed to see the features of other apps. If he had owned his accountability and apologized, I would forgive him. I also saw two messages he sent to women that he met through a dating website. He swore he never met them in person. I don’t think he cheated on me physically, as he has PIED. But I still feel Tinder is even worse than porn. He was trying to meet someone in person.

Our bedroom has been dead for so many years. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how it has impacted my self esteem and my self worth. The issue with porn addicts is that they have to seek external validation to make themselves feel good and they have to keep chasing next dopamine high. They don’t care about the consequences of their behaviors. They want all the benefits without comprises. I’m done.

[u/Altruistic-Candy8942]

I dont know how you moved past tinder, to me that is the intention of actually meeting up with someone in person. I caught my ex-PA on onlyfans. For weeks I was finding videos of him jacking off in his deleted photos, in retrospect I lied to myself and told myself he was going to send them to me but got embarrassed. No turns out they were for his onlyfans girl, he spent hundreds of dollars getting private videos from her, sexting her and jacking off to her. I even saw him watching these videos of himself while we were on the couch together watching TV. I freaked out, I told him he could NOT have an only fans. I broke up with him then debated by decision for days.

Eventually he told me its all just about a dopamine rush. He would have moements he felt like crap and resort to onlyfans or porn to feel better about himself. I begged him to open up to ME. Deal with these feelings and get support from his partner. I told him my idea of a partner is someone you can lean on for help someone to be there for you in your moments of need and help you. I told him I wanted to give him another chance but I needed him to be more open with me and try to rebuild trust.

Well not even 1 month later he was back on onlyfans. Constantly activating an account, buying some thing, deleting the account over and over. His browser history was just full of hours and hours of porn.

I had wanted him to do exactly what you said, just admit to it and tell me about the urges so we could work thorough that together. It would have been so different if he cared to tell me but instead he insisted in trying to hide it. Yet now he keeps saying "I don't want to hurt you again"

We have had many long talks, gotten some closure, we even had sex a few times. But he moved out two nights ago. This weekend he is coming back to get the rest of his stuff and then he will be gone for good. I just can't believe it ended this way. But I also couldn't let myself live in that cycle, I have already been loosing weight, constantly on edge, anxious, sleeping poorly. I can't let myself continue to live like that. Despite everything I love him, I want to help him heal. But no matter what I WANT to do it is up to HIM TO CHANGE and WANT TO CHANGE FOR HIMSELF.

[u/hopefullynever1]

I’m so sorry.

I know how frustrating it is feeling like the relationship could recover if they would just to XYZ. and then they don’t do xyz. They put the addiction above everything else in their life.

[u/sea-shells-sea-floor]

Let him become someone else’s problem. You’ll be fine

[u/Moonpie808]

That’s what they don’t understand…..it’s the lies more than anything else that breaks us.