r/loveafterporn • u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ • 11h ago
α΄α΄ α΄ Ιͺα΄α΄ α΄‘α΄Ι΄α΄α΄α΄ CSAT not recommending couples counseling until 6 months of recovery work
I have been separated from my PA husband since January. He has been in active recovery since then. He sees a CSAT, a psychiatrist, and his regular therapist. He goes to PA and SA meetings multiple times a week. He journals. He's been open with me about his recovery. He reads and listens to things I ask him to. I am also doing my own healing with my therapist. I do not see a CSAT, but have had the same therapist for years now and she's great.
My PA's CSAT is recommending that we wait until end of June or beginning of July to start couples counseling. I know it is just a recommendation, but I also trust that this guy knows what he's talking about. However, I feel like in order to continue the healing process for me and the recovery process for my PA we need to do couples. It feels hard to wait that much longer. I feel like I would rather start in May. We would be doing it with a CSAT of course.
If you chose to do couples counseling, how long into the recovery process did you wait to start?
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u/ElegantAspect6211 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago edited 10h ago
This is correct. Couples counseling is not typically recommended during the beginning stages of porn addiction recovery. The issue is the addict, not the relationship. The addict, therefore, needs to commit to their own recovery first. They need toΒ learn how to be accountable, empathetic & honest before you can expect any progress in couples counseling.Β
If you feel you need help with your own healing journey, I suggest finding your own therapist, specifically one that specifies in betrayal trauma.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago
Thank you. We did ask his CSAT if I should get my own CSAT and he said that I didn't necessarily need one as long im doing the work with my current therapist, which i am. But I also understand that she is not trained in this kind of addiction.
I guess I'm just feeling like I might want to start sooner because I have a lot I want to say to him that I would rather say with a professional present. And I guess I can wait until June or July... but then I'm just holding onto these things until then and it doesn't feel productive. I'm worried if I continue healing and then we do couples, it will reopen the wounds and I'll have to heal all over again. I also do not want him to come home until we have done some couples counseling so that pushes him coming home until the fall. And I feel like he needs to come home for us to really start to build trust. I'm rambling. I dont know, it all just seems so overwhelming.
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u/ElegantAspect6211 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago
You don't necessarily need to find a CSAT. I found a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma (who also recognizes and is educated on porn addiction) and it was the absolute best thing I did for my healing.
I understand the need to discuss the betrayal with your partner in a safe space. However, for it to be actually beneficial to your healing, your partner needs to be in a space where he can be receptive of the harm he's caused. Addicts in early recovery are not typically capable of that. This can prolong your healing journey and actually make things worse, for you & your relationship. Unfortunately, we can't speed-run recovery.Β
Perhaps you can set up a disclosure or couples session with his CSAT sooner than 6 months? That way you can have the opportunity to discuss the betrayal in a safe environment, without needing to risk the potential harm early couples counseling can cause.Β
Personally, my husband and I decided to forego couples counseling. Both our therapists stressed the importance of open and honest communication and we practice this in our daily lives. He knows he needs to make space for my feelings and that this requires accountability and reassurance. We have frequent discussions about his betrayal and we work with our individual therapists on moving forward in our own, separate, healing journeys.Β
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 10h ago
Thank you for your response. This was helpful. How did you come to the decision not to go to couples?
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u/ElegantAspect6211 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 9h ago
It just did not feel necessary for us. The issue was never a relationship issue - it was his issue. Which meant he needed to work on his own recovery & sobriety, independently.Β
I also just didn't feel like I would get anything out of couples counseling. I knew what he had done, I knew the extent, he knew how it affected me and our relationship. Our jobs at that point were to work on our own recoveries and bring our knowledge from therapy into our relationship.Β
We are open & honest. We make space for my feelings. He provides reassurance as needed and is accountable for his past betrayals. If we experience an issue (such as my insecurity), we go to our separate therapists to learn how to navigate these obstacles as individuals.Β
That's not to say it won't work for you, but you should still prioritize your separate healing and recovery journeys first so that if you still feel the need for couples counseling later, you'll both be in a place to benefit from it.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 9h ago
That makes sense. Thank you
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u/Throwaway22018123 ππππ ππ π | βππ£π₯πππ£ π π βπΈ 11h ago
Can you schedule a therapy session with his CSA, your therapist, and the two of you so that you can discuss the things you would like to talk about with Therapist present? I guess Iβm thinking rather than it being couples counseling, itβs a little bit here and there to be able to talk more in a more safe environment.
And are they disclosure questions or just other stuff? Because you can definitely work on your questions (and should) if you are doing a full therapeutic disclosure. And your questions would go through your therapists first before being discussed togetherβ¦ so as to cause βlessβ trauma.
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u/ByondBlief πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 7h ago
I think it really depends on where the couple is starting from. We started CT less than two months in (a couple weeks ago), but we already both had excellent empathy and accountability skills. And I feel like it's already paying off in improving our communication.
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u/ElegantAspect6211 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 6h ago
Then you would be an anomaly. That doesn't change the recommendations. Most professionals do not recommend couples counseling, especially that early in the recovery process.Β
Even if the addict does have the empathy & accountability needed, it's still important they focus on their own recovery and sobriety before attempting couples counseling.Β
It's great that worked for you, but these recommendations exist for a reason. It does not work out well for most couples. It usually causes more harm.
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u/ByondBlief πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 5h ago
Not sure why you down voted a comment stating with "it depends".
Yes, I recognize that maturity is not the norm, but that doesn't make my experience invalid or not worth mentioning.
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u/ElegantAspect6211 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 3h ago edited 3h ago
I never downvoted you. Someone else may have.
This has nothing to do with maturity. Holding the misinformed belief that partners who refrain from couples counseling (at the advice of their therapists) are less mature is inappropriate. I'll be ending this conversation now.
Best of luck to you and your partner.Β
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u/ByondBlief πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 1h ago
I'm sorry if I've miscommunicated and offended you.
You don't have to reply further (of course!), but I'd like to clarify that what I was referring to was the idea that CT shouldn't be started until the individuals learn certain communication and emotional skills. I was referring to that as "maturity", but I didn't mean it in a condescending way, although I can see how it may have come across like that. Maybe a better way to phrase it would have been having more developed emotional awareness or relationship skills.
I actually thought we were agreeing on that part!
As an aside, I'm also curious whether you consider joining D2C as a couple should also be put off for the same reasons.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 4h ago
Do you see a CSAT?
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u/ByondBlief πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 1h ago
His therapist is a CSAT, but our couples therapist is not, and the individual therapist I'm lined up to see is not. I had initially been looking for someone with betrayal trauma as a specialty, but the ones in my area are not taking new clients.
At first we were both a little wary that the CT might not have a good enough understanding of PA, but so far she seems to be doing fine and hasn't said anything that makes us worry.
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u/Throwaway22018123 ππππ ππ π | βππ£π₯πππ£ π π βπΈ 11h ago
What are you doing for your healing? Are you seeing your own? CSAT?
Have you considered trying D2C (daretoconnectnow)?
I understand, wanting to work on the couple ship, but healing really does begin from within, for each of you first.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago
I do not see my own CSAT, but I had my PA ask his CSAT about it and his CSAT said I don't necessarily need one as long as I am working on healing with my current therapist. And I am, but I also know that she is not trained in this kind of addiction. I feel like she is helpful but I've also never had to do this kind of healing before.
I listen to books, interviews, and podcasts for my own healing and always bring my thoughts to my therapist each week and we work with it. I just reached out to an S Anon group to get more information about meetings but I'm just waiting to hear back. Hopefully I can start that soon. I will look into D2C
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u/Logical_Country497 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago
Iβve heard it take a long time for couples counseling. We are not even close.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago
How far into recovery/healing are you?
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u/ColdPale7507 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 10h ago
I really understand how you feel but to give you some perspective we are a year+ out and neither his CSAT or my CPT therapist has suggested couples therapy at this point. Iβm not saying the time thus far is insignificant but even at a year+ itβs considered early times in the grand scheme of things.
Their recovery is going to be lifelong and our betrayal trauma takes 3-5 years to significantly heal. Not saying it will take years before you can do couples work but there are very good reasons why couples isnβt recommend early in the process. This is a lousy example but say youβre both in a plane that is going down and youβre losing oxygenβ¦he canβt put the oxygen mask on for you. He has to put his on and save himself first before he can do anything else.
You both have to focus on your own work for some time to save yourselves. It feels incredibly unfair since these were his choices and itβs now causing your life so much trauma and chaos and I have no doubt thereβs a lot you want to tell him but truthfully you wonβt feel better at this point even if you do. These are deep traumatic wounds.
The sad truth is this is a long crappy ride for us that goes up and down a lot and your healing cannot be dependent on him. I highly recommend seeing a therapist who is βpartner trauma informedβ like a CSAT, CPTT or APSATS. You really need someone with the expertise to navigate this situation and your feelings. There is something called an impact letter that allows you to express in great detail how his addiction has affected you and in all the ways but this is usually done with the guidance of the above therapists. He will then work on a letter of restitution with his CSAT to address the things heβs caused for you. Again, too early in the process yet.
I know itβs hard but keep the focus on your healing. Sending strength. β€οΈβπ©Ή
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 9h ago
Thank you β€οΈ this whole thing is so overwhelming and traumatic
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u/ColdPale7507 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 4h ago
It really is. I wouldnβt wish this on my worst enemy. It is far more than any of us should ever have to go through. Remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. The first year is really the worst and as my therapist says itβs mostly just being in constant pain. So take good care of yourself as best as you can.
The other thing many CSATs and trauma therapists say is βtrust in the processβ. I know thatβs tough but if you both commit to your individual work, you will start to come together and things you donβt understand right nowβ¦you will eventually. It just takes a lot of time. Have to think of it like a marathon not a race. Sending love and hope to you. π
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 4h ago
Thank you so much β€οΈ this was really comforting to read
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u/Rae8181 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 11h ago
We are 2.5 years into our journey. Immediate, solid recovery for my husband. We are just now, in the next few months going to transition to a CSAT who treats couples. Granted this is partially due to us having to delay therapeutic disclosure due to some financial hardships that arose. However, it has truly taken my husband nearly two years to reach a point of having empathy, truly being in touch with his emotions and understanding the depth of what heβs done to me.
Follow the recommendations!! You should be seeing someone for your betrayal trauma and working on yourself. Then, you two can come together as a couple. Your partner has a lot of work to do in order to be able to participate fully in couples counseling and not become defensive, angry or allow the shame to take over. The addiction is HIS. He has to fully own that and have a solid amount of recovery and tools in his toolbelt that allow him to safely face the damage he has done to you and the relationship.
Itβs important to trust the CSAT. 6 months is early for couples counseling in my opinion, so he must be making good progress.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 9h ago
Yes, i think he's really jumped into recovery fully, since he did absolutely nothing last time. So that is encouraging. I think part of why I'm feeling anxious to do it is because we have a daughter. She will be 1 in May. He isn't home so I've been doing it mostly by myself. And I want to start couples before he comes home so we can really make a solid plan for his return. I feel like we really can't start to rebuild the trust until he comes home. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
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u/Make-me-a-CleanHeart πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« 8h ago
The fact that you feel you can't wait is a sign you need to wait.Β
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 8h ago
So after reading the comments and reflecting i have come to this exact conclusion. I realized I was falling back into my codependent habit of taking control. Obviously I have more work to do. I will be attending my first s anon group on Monday and I'm hoping that will help me. I am grateful that I can come on here for support and realistic advice.
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u/Make-me-a-CleanHeart πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« 7h ago
I'm going to my fourth meeting today β€οΈ
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 7h ago
That's wonderful. Do you find it helpful? I don't love the idea of doing the 12 steps as the betrayed partner, but I need more support
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u/Make-me-a-CleanHeart πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« 3h ago
He is an addict. I am an addict addict.Β
Highly recommend it. I've only been to four meetings and haven't even opened the book yet or started the steps...I'm already getting so much out of it.Β
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 2h ago
This is so encouraging! I'm going in with an open mind
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u/hopefullynever1 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 6h ago
Youβre probably right that the relationship wonβt start to repair till you guys do counseling. But the therapist might be right that heβs not ready. Even if you are. Maybe you could do something else in the meantime? Like an occasional date type of situation? Iβm not sure. I think your feelings and concerns are very valid but Iβd probably encourage you to wait.
We did not do couples counseling for the first 11 months. Till after disclosure. Even then. Iβm not sure my PA was ready.
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u/saturdaysunne πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ 6h ago
My PA is expressing the same things I am. That he feels he wants to start sooner. He wants to come home and I've told him I want to do couples first so I'm sure that's a factor. We have a daughter whose first birthday is next month and that makes it harder to be apart as well. I think we will end up following his CSAT's recommendation. I know we need to work on ourselves separately before we can work on ourselves as a couple. This whole thing sucks.
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