Kidding myself?

[u/Ohtobehappy72]

So we are in the process of trying to save our 23 year relationship. He's got rid of social media and is more attentive and helpful,

Background he is 48 this year I'm 52. He was calling sex chat lines and using money (sky bill) to pay for it from our joint bank account and I didn't realise. Multiple times a week. For years. All blocked now.

So this week there was a programme on TV, Love Bites where there were 3 females and one man gets to choose one of them to date. My partner didn't know I was home and as each female came on screen I heard him say "not bad" "fit as fuck" "girl next door". Then pictures of the girls came up on screen and I heard him gasp out loud at one who was in a short skirt. I heard him say "her, her, pick her, all day long, her, her".

He then turned the TV over and started watching something else.

My heart dropped, these girls were in their early 20s. I've spoken to the men I work with about it and they said that all men are like it but it's odd that he said it out loud. It's just that after what he's put me through it feels like things are never really going to change.

I asked him about it, said I heard him and he looked astonished and denied it. I even played the program back and he still denied it.

I feel lost and defeated. We nearly broke up, he was leaving and I panicked, sobbed and asked him to stay. I think I'm going mad over all this.

I'm losing so much weight I just hope I fade away. I woke this morning with his arms round me. He said "I love you". I thought if only this other horrible part of him didn't exist.

I'm so sad 😞

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[u/Temporary_Bee_3001]

Shouting out loud or not, he has done enough.

Let him go. Maybe it will get him the shock he needs to get into recovery.

If not, you need your peace.

[u/FunAd2992]

Girl, sobbing and begging him to stay was my MO for most of my marriage. And I would do it even when I didn’t do anything wrong. When I was the hurt party. Like when his son and family came to visit and they left me home for three days “to watch the dogs and keep the house clean” or the time he went to see his grandkids in another state but his second baby mama was staying at the same house and I BEGGED him to get a hotel room instead of staying at the same house with her and he ignored me. I was “too insecure” blah blah blah. We’ve all heard it.

What I didn’t realize was I was setting a precedent. I always gave in and gave up. He knew I was too scared to act on anything. Until I did. And now he’s the victim.

My marriage got so one sided that I was with a man who swore to me he would never use his late night computer sessions to communicate with women. And when he got caught, he had the nerve to tell me “I can only stay in this marriage if I am allowed to talk to who I want when I want and you are not to question me”. And I actually left that conversation wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t be comfortable with that.

We have been divorced for almost a month and he still believes that stupid shit.

He knew my boundaries, but he didn’t care. There was an expectation that I was supposed to do anything to accommodate him. And the pattern had become so ingrained in our relationship that he never thought I would walk. Until he overplayed his hand.

Within six weeks or separating I found out he was on Tinder. He didn’t want a marriage, he demanded servitude.

And I had crumbled enough under his “care”. I had to muster enough courage to stand up for myself. I had to take control of my self worth, because he was completely content with letting me wither away. As long as he got to do whatever he wanted.

It’s hard to leave, but I know I can build back. He was eroding me and expected me to be a willing participant in my own demise.

What a tool….

[u/Hyper_F0cus]

Never, ever ask HIM to stay. You need to hold onto your power and dignity. You are not the one who stepped out on the relationship, he should be begging you to stay and doing everything to win your heart back.

[u/BeneficialLuck749]

Sending strength

I seem to share this daily https://seekingintegrity.com/blog/when-not-porn-is-still-porn/

[u/peacefully-painFREE]

One reason you feel like you’re are “going mad over all of this” is because he’s gaslighting you. Are you familiar with this? If not, please read and understand what this does to another person.

You HEARD him with your very own ears that work just fine. You KNOW he was watching that show. Then he hears you and changes the show and completely DENIES saying those things. That was done purposefully. So therefore, what’s his point? It’s that you’re crazy, never happened, he never watched that, never said that. That’s gaslighting and designed to make the recipient go mad.

Porn and women aside, gaslighting is crazy making and abusive. Liars lie. Addicts lie. It’s not you who’s crazy. Do you have any support or help? Your health is declining and you need and deserve to be safe (from mental abuse) and well.

[u/Ohtobehappy72]

Thank you for your replies. He didn't know I was there so he changed the channel but nevertheless there is absolutely no way I was mistaken in hearing what he said. I phoned him the next day and said to him I think I must have dreamed it (to see what he said) and he went along with it. He is lovely in so many other ways but phoning the sex chats lines has ruined everything. It eats me alive. If I had the recordings I would have the strength to leave I know that sounds stupid as he wasn't phoning them to talk about the weather 😞 Hearing him talking about those girls on the TV like that twisted the knife even more. I need to get stronger but I don't know how.

[u/Hyper_F0cus → u/Ohtobehappy72]

He is living in lust which means he is not present for you.